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One of Our Submarines

Chapter 46: The Dissenter

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CT: D --> Hold it, hold it, do not put that load down yet please

CT: D --> If you leave it here someone will trip over the pile and break their blasted shin

NT: Sorry, sir!

IT: Sorry.

CT: D --> Is that panel new or salvaged

NT: Salvaged, sir!

IT: It hasn't been scanned yet.

CT: D --> There is a pile designated for salvaged paneling directly behind you

CT: D --> No, that's the new parts pile

CT: D --> More to your left, to your

IT: Here?

CT: D --> Yes, there

NT: Thank you, sir!

IT: Thanks!

CT: D --> Thank you

CT: D --> Incidentally you do not need to call me Sir every time you speak

CT: D --> There is not much need for such formality out here

NT: Of course, sir! It's just, you're, you know. With who you're with. It's all so exciting to be here and meet everyone who… I mean...

IT: It's like, you know?

CT: D --> Indeed

NT: Can I…

CT: D --> Can you what

NT: Can I ask, uh. His blood… is it...

CT: D --> I am really very busy, so

IT: Is it true He's not even on the hemospectrum, sir?

CT: D --> Sigh

CT: D --> It's true

NT: They say He rose from the dead!

CT: D --> I honestly do not know how these ridiculous rumors get started and I am really very busy today

CT: D --> Have you seen Mr. Nitram

CT: D --> He is the one with the wide horns and the e�llently balanced carbon fiber legs

IT: Tavros? Yes, I've met him already.

NT: He left an hour or so ago, s… Mr. Zahhak.

CT: D --> Nngh. I need to speak with him about the uplock actuator he recovered this evening

NT: Did you end up having to scrap it?

CT: D --> I located a stress fracture that cannot be repaired

CT: D --> We will need to replace it immediately and there are no compatible vessels here to cannibalize

IT: Why not order a new one from offplanet? It's bound to get here before we get this thing skyworthy.

CT: D --> Hm

NT: Hell, the helmsblock alone is going to take at least a perigee to seal off. It's a wonder no one died in the crash!

CT: D --> Hrrmnnn

NT: Will I, uh, have to go in there? And fix stuff? Sir?

IT: No, it'll be one of us who's been here longer that has to go in there. Probably me.

CT: D --> I will be performing interior modifications myself

CT: D --> Certain members of the crew have requested that the ship interior be off limits to the repair crew until further notice

NT: Yeah, I heard. Didn't some ceruleanblooded girl sneak in there and get blown up?

IT: Yeah, by the helmsman.

CT: D --> …

CT: D --> No

NT: One guy at my orientation said all you higher-ups are all friends. I even heard it used to be one of His followers.

IT: Is that true? Did you know each other? What's it like talking to a helmsman?

CT: D --> You should both return to your work now

CT: D --> It will be dawn soon and the light in this region is particularly harsh on the eyes

NT: Of course, sir. I, uh.

IT: Sorry.

NT: If I see Tavr--- Mr. Nitram, I'll tell him you were looking for him.

NT: Sorry.

CT: D --> I really must ask someone to put a stop to all this gossip



OS: Yo, are you guys done with Douche TV yet or what? I'm bored.

EP: It's almost finished.

OS: Finface is reading the battery sparklesmut again, isn't he.

ID: Hahahaha!

OS: EP how COULD you. He gives the characters little voices, for fuck's sake.

EP: It's not that bad. And don't call people that.

OS: Oh my fucking nonexistent yet somehow still disappointed in all of my friends GOD, cull me now.

EP: In a minute. Chapter's almost over.

OS: Fine, I'll cull myself and haunt your shit.

ID: Uh oh, trouble in paradise >:D

OS: I just want to know, how are your brains not rotting out listening to that garbage?

OS: Like, physically? Or maybe they are. Buzz once for yes and twice for hell yes.

EP: Maybe because SOME people don't need every golden word to glimmer with the exudate of the MG's hindmost ordained truth nipple to enjoy their media?

ID: Maybe because SOMEBODY's taking forever to TS the rest of the OTHER good book in my life right now???

OS: Maybe because brain damage.

ID: You're just a literary snob.

EP: Accurate.

DW: Accurate

OS: Yeah so what?

DW: So you are being obnoxious and need to shush

ID: LOL

OS: Oh no. No, no, no.

OS: Et tu, DW?

DW: Yeah don't judge me

DW: I was seduced

ID: Eeheehee.

OS: Is FS in here with the rest of you giggling fuckers too? He is, isn't he? For shame, FS, I thought you were the adult here.

DW: Actually he's offline but no

DW: He doesn't really care for the

DW: What was the term you used

DW: Sparklesmut

DW: Thinks it's wiggler stuff

OS: Because it fucking IS wiggler stuff. And dumb as shit, or maybe you didn't notice that?

OS: "OH!!! CAPTAIN PRISSY!!! YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL, MY VISUAL RECEPTORS ARE LEAKING GLANCE FLUID WITH EVERY AUGMENTED PEEP AT YOUR INCREDIBLE PSEUDOMAMMARIES AS THEY TREMBLE 'NEATH YOUR UNBUTTONED UNIFORM! BEING EQUIPMENT IS NEATO!"

ID: Onslaught c'mon :(

OS: "OH HELMSMAN! YOU'RE SO TRAGICALLY BEAUTIFUL WHEN I THINK ABOUT YOUR VARIOUS AMPUTATIONS IN A CREEPY OBJECTIFYING WAY FROM MY PLACE OF PRIVILEGE!"

ID: asldkfadjls is the P word bannable yet? >:l

DW: No

ID: Can I request we make it bannable? :D

DW: Denied

ID: You suck forever. :P

EP: Do you people mind? Trying to listen.

OS: "OH CAPTAIN YOUR CLUELESS ADMIRATION OF THE PHYSICAL AGONY I ENDURE DAILY BECAUSE THE MIDBLOOD WHO WRITES ME DOESN'T KNOW THE SUBNET IS A THING MAKES MY NETHERS ALL FRISKY! OOH LET'S PAIL IN JUMPSPACE!!!!!"

ID: You. Are. Insufferable D:

EP: ...

OS: "WHOOPS!!! I'M CRYING AGAIN!"

OS: "WHY SO YOU ARE! SAY! WHERE DID MY TROUSERS GO?"

ID: Blocking you now...

OS: "MM SO PITIABLE LET ME NOOF YOUR G-TUBE MMM YEAH"

ID: Bye-bye Onsnot...

OS: Kiss my redacted, Dusk.

OS: You could totally stand life without me for ten minutes. I'm {almost certain} of it.

ID: :P

OS: I rest my case.

OS: Oh shit, pretend I typed my awesome book summary in a poncy slimetripper accent.

EP: OS for the love you bear me would you please shut the fuck up and let the poor lesser minds enjoy their plebeian amusements already?

OS: Okay fine. <>

EP: <>



CA: so uh

CA: scale from one to screamin like a banshee tryin to bite my face off

CA: again i mean

CA: honest opinion okay no makin me feel good

CA: howw are you likin the book so far

TA: kk wouldn't even read thii2 at gunpoiint, that'2 how much iit'2 2hiit.

CA: sol

CA: sol

TA: fuck you eriidan.

CA: its good to hear from you again

CA: the actual you i mean

CA: howw you doing

TA: where ii2 aradiia?

CA: sigh

CA: sol

TA: yes, captain ganima.

CA: fucking

CA: nngh wwhy do you alwways do that

CA: wwhatevver

CA: my windchutes gone raww so youll just havve to find out wwhat happens next tomorrow night

CA: from the wway this magnificent book a golden prose falls open to the next section im guessin its going to be pailin

CA: probably wwith actual pails this time wwhat do you think

CA: theyvve done evvery other kind a thing

CA: getting pretty red

CA: yeah dont front like you dont knoww their lovve is the most beautiful thing in space you fuckin liar

CA: anywway

CA: sleep tight sol

TA: INSURRECTIONISTS ABOARD SHIP. VISUAL SENSORS DISABLED. UPLINK DISABLED.

CA: chase never sprays spit in prislas face captor

CA: just sayin

TA: …

TA: i'm sorry.

CA: its cool

CA: thank you for takin mercy on my lug channels at least

CA: look i knoww those guys theyre wwith us

CA: probably fixin that stabilizer thing you dont havve to report them just let them wwork okay

TA: fuck you, eriidan.

CA: one a those nights again huh

CA: i take it you wwant me stayin ovver

TA: ...

CA: fine you fuckin clingy wwreck but only cause you asked nice an didnt scream all through my readin a this excellent piece a literature

CA: but im goin to get dinner before i come back an maybe take a nice hot showwer and dont you dare yell at me like theres somethin wwrong wwith that

CA: im the captain on this rig and its beastflesh steww night and if i wwant to go take some time to reacquaint myself wwith soap and maybe evven some wwater that isnt coming out a your face im bloody wwell going to do so

TA: don't go.

CA: you knoww wwhat sol

CA: not evverybody wwants to go around smelling like this room all the time

CA: maybe some people havve standards that they didnt drop just on account a they got stuffed in a helmsblock

CA: wwhich by the wway

CA: you got it pretty swweet as helmsblocks go

CA: you fleww a grand total a twwo hours and retired on a full highbloods are doing evverything for you pension

TA: it is an honor to serve.

CA: yeah exactly

CA: crazy sol listen to smart mindjacked sol hes not as annoying

TA: yes, captain.

CA: i dont need to smell like im dead on top a evverything else thats miserable and depressin about bein out here wwhere nothin fuckin growws but the body counts and the vvultures

CA: you got that sol

TA: …

CA: so there you go then

CA: thanks for acknowwledgin my natural authority and all that goes wwith it sol i appreciate the thoughtful gesture

TA: traitor.

CA: youre quite right i did change my hair thanks for askin

CA: had kan take a little off the sides

CA: i think it makes me look more dignified an captainly

CA: im done tryin to covver up the scars

CA: it just makes it look like i aint proud a my battle vvictories you knoww

CA: wwhich is upright retarded if you believve in ancestors

CA: wwell not you on account a your ancestors wwould be nobodies

CA: but for the proper aristocracy like yours truly

CA: my owwn ancestor supposedly had a face full a scars

CA: so wwhy should i be hidin mine

CA: noww that im THE DISSENTER i should be showwin off a little instead

CA: lettin people knoww that im proud a wwhat i did because i am proud

CA: and uh also

CA: wwearin it the other way it sorta looked like i wwas goin bald and trying too hard to hide it

TA: ehehe.

CA: heh

CA: and so wwhat if i am vvain

CA: so fuckin wwhat

CA: wwho says theres anything wwrong wwith snatchin a little pride wwhere you can get it

TA: nngh

CA: wwell

CA: im claimin that as a compliment

CA: backhanded as it probably wwas seeing as howw youre you

CA: youre lookin better yourself you knoww

CA: practically almost alivve again

CA: noww theyve got the slimy shit to quit growwing on your face

CA: i wwould havve left it personally

CA: you always had the most godawwful hair and besides pink looks good on you

CA: wwould it ovvergroww your wwhole head if wwe let it

CA: like enough to block up your nose and mouth

CA: not that it wwould matter

CA: i cant help but notice sol but you arent evven breathin half the time

CA: its fuckin alarming

TA: …

CA: right im goin

CA: back in a feww



CG: I'M FINE, STOP FUSSING.

CG: TEREZI. IT'S FINE. L3T OFF.

GC: TURN4BOUT 1S F41R PL4Y MR V4NT4S. YOU G3NTLY C4R3SS MY FR4CTUR3D 3XTR3M1T13S, 1 FONDL3 YOUR 3XPLOD3D M1DS3CT1ON. TH4T'S TH3 D34L.

CG: NO, JUST LEAVE IT ALONE. I TREATED IT ALREADY.

GC: Y34H, 4ND NOW TH4NKS TO YOU 1 H4V3 TO R3MOV3 TH3 M4SS OF HUMOROUSLY 1N4D3QU4T3 4DH3S1V3 DR3SS1NGS YOU 4PP34R TO H4V3 P4RT14LLY 1NS3RT3D 1NTO TH3 WOUND B3FOR3 1 C4N 4CTU4LLY H3LP YOU.

GC: BR4C3 YOURS3LF, 1T W1LL ST1NG.

CG: OH NOOO, SHE'S GOING TO RIP OFF MY *BAND AIDS*!!!!

CG: I'VE ONLY JUST NEARLY HAD MY INTERNAL ORGANS UNZIPPED AND TOSSED PLAYFULLY INTO THE AIR AS IF IN END-OF-SCHOOLFEEDING-TERM CELEBRATION BY SUDDENLY-LASER-BEAMS

CG: BUT HERE COMES TEREZI WITH HER ULTIMATE ATTACK OF PULLING OFF A STUPID SHITTY LITTLE ADHESIVE BANDAGE FOR THE KILL SH-OW OW OW OW OW OW STOPPIT STOP YOU'RE KILLING ME STOP

GC: 1 D1D 4TT3MPT TO W4RN YOU >8/

CG: OH GOD I'M BLEEDING

GC: Y3S YOU 4R3.

CG: I'M BLEEDING I'M BLEEDING OH GOD

GC: K4RK4T

GC: 4R3 YOU FR34K1NG OUT ON M3

CG: NO I AM NOT!

GC: YOU H4D B3TT3R NOT B3 CRY1NG 31TH3R.

CG: CRYING? ME?

CG: HA!

CG: YOUR SAD ATTEMPTS TO MALIGN MY WARRIOR'S SPIRIT TO ESTABLISH YOURSELF AS THE BIG DOG IN THE PACK GET ORDERS OF MAGNITUDE MORE PATHETIC WITH EVERY SINGLE BATTLE WE SURVIVE, PYROPE. IN FACT, I'M SURPRISED YOU COULD EVEN FIT YOUR ENORMOUSLY SWOLLEN HEAD THROUGH THE TENT FLAP FROM HOW PUFFED UP YOUR EGO HAS GOTTEN SINCE THE BATTLE OF THE BROODING CA--

CG: WAIT WAIT HOLD UP NONONO WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT NEEDLE?

GC: HOLD ST1LL SO 1 C4N PUT TH3 SUTUR3S 1N STR41GHT.

CG: STITCHES? OH NO YOU DON'T. DON'T COME NEAR ME WITH THAT THING.

GC: W3LL 1 GU3SS 1 COULD L34V3 YOU OP3N BUT 1 TH1NK YOUR SPOOCHF1LT3R W1LL F4LL OUT N3XT T1M3 YOU B3ND OV3R TO L4C3 YOUR BOOTS.

CG: DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW TO SUTURE A WOUND?

GC: 1 4M 3XC1T3D TO L34RN 4S 1 GO.

GC: K4N4Y4 C4N F1X 1T UP L4T3R, 4SSUM1NG YOU 4R3 ST1LL 4L1V3 WH3N SH3 G3TS H3R3.

CG: OH GOD

CG: OW

CG: OH GOD THERE'S BLOOD EVERYWHERE

GC: 4 NOT UNFOR3S33N S1D3 3FF3CT OF B31NG GUT SHOT.

CG: STOP MAKING FUN OF ME, I'M DYING!!!

GC: T4K3 YOUR SOPOR T4BS 4ND TRY TO BR34TH3 YOU COMPL3T3 GOOB3R. 1 WOULD R4THER YOU NOT STROK3 OUT B3FOR3 TH3 4DR3N4L1N3 W34RS OFF.

CG: YOU JUST WANT ME TO DIE IN MY SLEEP BECAUSE YOU HATE ME.

GC: ON TH3 CONTR4RY YOU 4R3 MY SW33T3ST MOST T4NGY CH3RRY JOLLY R4NCH3R 4ND 3V3RYON3 KNOWS 1T. NOW B3 4 GOOD L1TTL3 WR1GGL3R AND SW4LLOW YOUR P1LLS OR 1 W1LL S3ND YOU OFF TO DR34ML4ND W1TH TH3 M1LD3ST H34D 1NJURY 1 C4N MUST3R.

CG: FINE. WHERE'S MY CANTEEN?

GC: 1NC1N3R4T3D W1TH TH3 R3ST OF TH3 C4MP. T4K3 M1N3, 1T ST1LL H4S SOM3 W4T3R L3FT.

CG: THANKS. ARE WE STILL PINNNED?

GC: NOP3, TH3 T1D3 TURN3D WH1L3 YOU W3R3 HYP3RV3NT1L4T1NG 1NTO YOUR B4ND 41D COLL3CT1ON.

CG: GREAT.

CG: SO UH. WE WON?

GC: H3H3H3H3H3.1T'S G3TT1NG TO B3 4 H4B1T W1TH US.


Notes:

SO MANY REFERENCES IN THIS STORY. the "Starship Pals" books referenced in chapter 25 is a nod to Biichama and Roachpatrol's fantastic illustrated fic The Baths of all the Western Stars.

Bunch of other nods to various non-fanfic F&SF, see if you can spot them!

Also if you are having trouble remembering which Helmsman is which, click here for a cheat sheet.

Series this work belongs to: