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The door is propped open with just an inch of light slanting into the hallway. It always is now with their new arrangement, and yet, when Jensen sees even a sliver into the suite, his chest tightens and breath comes quick, like all air has been sucked out through the AC vents rather than pumped in.
His mind slows down as he tells his heart to stop pumping so fast. His feet keep carrying him right to the door, but he’s doing all he can to mentally put space between him and the suite. He wars with the giddy anticipation of seeing Jared’s face and the immediate physical reaction he has to the man, versus some semblance of control he always fails to maintain.
Jensen enters the suite and puts on an automatic smile to Jared’s soft and easy hey. “Hey yourself,” Jensen says, avoiding the tremble in his words, clearing his throat immediately.
Jared’s leaning back in the arm chair, legs crossed up on the ottoman, and head tilted to watch Jensen come closer. He’s holding a glass on his thigh, just a dash of whiskey left, and Jensen immediately feels his mouth go dry.
A drink would be great.
Something to take the edge off.
“How was your day?” Jared asks as Jensen approaches, head tipping back to look up at him.
Jensen shakes his head with a small smile, trying to push everything away, shoving down all the words bubbling to the surface. The ones Jared doesn’t want to hear. His mind flashes through details of his lunch meeting with the financial advisor who favors using his teeth and likes it when Jensen does, too; it feels all sorts of wrong when he’s looking at Jared’s sincere face now.
With a quick breath, Jensen reminds himself of this understanding they have. That these feelings of comfort and ease, physical attraction and affection, are their own imagination when they’re inside these walls.
Pretend, that’s all it is. A ruse. A game. An agreement that they’ll both commit to 110% for the hours they’re together, then part and get on with the rest of their lives.
If only Jensen knew how to do that these days.
Like a world-class actor, Jensen drags other emotions to the surface and maintains a gentle smile as he runs a hand over Jared’s hair. “My day was pretty good. How about you?”
“Better now.” Jared grins, reaching up to snag Jensen’s hand in his. “And this helps,” he adds with a chuckle as he jiggles the glass in his other hand.
Jensen winks and heads right to the sidebar to pour his own. “You save any for me?”
“Maybe.”
Jensen’s got a healthy sip of whiskey down his throat before he can think of what comes next. What he should do to satisfy Jared and maintain the mood that Jared expects from him. With another long drink, Jensen pulls at the knot of his tie and gets rid of this noose around his neck and his jacket. It’s stifling to be all buttoned up and overdressed in this full suit, even when he’s been wearing one more often these last few months to maintain the image of a man returning home after work.
On his third sip, Jared is suddenly behind him, arms sliding around his waist and the heat of that long body settling all along Jensen’s back. Jensen jumps; he can’t hide it, but he tries to laugh it off and wipes down the front of his shirt while complaining. “You made me spill all over.”
Jared’s voice is low in Jensen’s ear when he taunts, “Guess I’ll have to clean it up then.” Making his point, he runs his palm up Jensen’s chest to his neck, nudges Jensen’s jaw to turn his head closer, then leaves a sucking kiss at his neck where whiskey had dribbled down.
“Fuck,” slips through Jensen’s lips before he can stop it, all withered and breathy. A natural reaction, even if Jared hums in Jensen’s ear like it’s all part of the script.
“Of course, sweetheart.” Jared tightens his hold around Jensen to drag their bodies together. “Right here? Right now?”
This time, Jensen’s fuck is whispered in his own mind. Heat spills into his veins at the sound of Jared’s voice so dark and confident.
In the beginning, Jared was the one dreadfully crashing into whatever mess was building between them. These days, Jensen recognizes that Jared has pulled himself to the surface and easily shifts in and out of the façade, all while Jensen finds himself drowning in a myriad of conflicting emotions in a constant back and forth of reality and make-believe.
Jared turns Jensen around to face him, his arms ringing around Jensen’s waist again, so calm and assured of himself in direct contrast to Jensen’s nerves rattling from the inside out.
“Missed you,” Jared says, though it sounds less like a deep confession and more matter of fact, fitting right into their game. Especially when he goes on, “Today was so long and they were all cranky over this quarter’s reports. Kind of reminded me of you when you’re good and grumpy, and I couldn’t wait until we could just be home and relax.”
Home.
No matter how innocent, it’s a direct hit to Jensen’s gut and he holds onto Jared’s arms to keep upright as his knees wobble a little.
It’s not just how candid Jared is about what he’s saying; it feels more like Jensen recognizing how true he wishes it really was. The thought sticks at the front of his brain and he can feel how his face drops incrementally the longer it sits there. His first instinct is to flee, stop the whole charade and move on from what should’ve always been an average transaction.
But Jensen never stood a chance from their first meeting, and he knows he doesn’t have it in him to abandon Jared. Not after all that Jared has done to rescue himself from his own demons and grow into the comfort of being here with Jensen.
Jared’s smile fades away and he’s frowning at Jensen. The look is foreign and makes Jensen’s stomach turn with guilt.
“What’s wrong?” Jared asks, quiet yet steady.
Jensen can’t answer him, won’t. His impulses overrule his voice and he rises to his toes to press into Jared’s mouth, his hand coming up to cup Jared’s cheek as they deepen the kiss, like any other time before. Only, Jensen knows there’s more to it this time and he decides to just jump right off the cliff and throw himself into tonight.
If nothing else, he can allow himself the relief from his own torment. He thinks he’s owed it when he spends the rest of the month sinking into his shame over his inability to compartmentalize Jared from everything else in his life, that he didn’t try harder to avoid an exchange of cash, and dared to follow Jared into this rabbit hole where neither of them will come out clean.
Jared moans from the back of his throat as the kiss continues, needy yet slow, messy at times yet thoughtful when either of them pauses long enough to catch their breath.
They’re growing hard, obvious in the closeness of their bodies, and Jensen slides his arms around Jared’s neck to bring them even closer so there’s little air between them. Less than a breath between what they’ve crafted and what exists beyond this suite.
In seconds, Jared’s pulling them over to the dining table against the next wall and lifting Jensen by his thighs onto the wood top. He undoes Jensen’s belt and pants to drag them down off his legs along with his underwear. A playful look appears as he runs his hands inside Jensen’s legs and pushes them apart to make room to stand between them.
Jensen bites his lower lip when Jared’s fingers dance along the side of his ass and up around his hips, then he shudders when Jared’s index and middle finger run down the dip of Jensen's ass cheeks and around his hole. Up and back down a few times as Jared leans in to kiss Jensen, sweet and light, unlike the insistent press of his fingertips right where Jensen wants him.
“Take off your shirts,” Jared insists in between kisses.
He’s quick to work the buttons on his oxford shirt and yank it off, his undershirt quickly following. Jared remains fully clothed and that ignites another flare of desire in Jensen’s gut as he wonders when Jared will undress … if he will. Jensen even thinks about commenting on it, but he’s distracted when Jared pulls a packet of lube and condom from his own pants pocket and undoes his pants just enough to get his dick out.
Laughter bubbles up from Jensen’s chest. Sweet relief from the well of emotions he’s been wading in since he came off the elevator. “What, you were planning for this?”
“No,” Jared insists with an awkward chuckle.
Jensen narrows his eyes in response. His lips tilt into a comfortable smirk as he feels further levity in the moment, as he easily slides into suffering endearment for Jared, like he’s played since they first agreed to this set up.
“Hoping, maybe.” Jared blushes, all sweet pink and downcast eyes. “Always hoping.”
Jensen rubs his thumb along the color blooming on Jared’s cheeks, and he thinks the touch grounds them both because Jared suddenly hesitates when he’d been so in control from the start of tonight.
Then Jensen realizes the problem. Jared stutters his movements and brings his fingers down Jensen’s torso, pausing briefly over the teeth marks from lunch that Jensen hoped would have gone away by now.
There’s a brief flash in Jared’s eyes, like he’s lost the rose-colored hue of the evening and sees them both for what they really are. What this really is for them.
On one hand, the reality is they live on opposite coasts and Jensen is comfortable in his skin, while Jared stays wrapped up in his self-imposed prison as a rich, smart, endearing businessman whose only real connection is Jensen and the price tag attached to these evenings.
On the other hand, Jensen’s reality is that he no longer can keep everything stowed away in boxes. Nothing is tied up with a neat little bow, like he was once capable of. He knows Jared would do whatever he could to make something tangible happen within his carefully constructed boundaries, and Jensen also knows that Jared has blinders to Jensen’s life outside this building. Jared has never accepted what Jensen does the other 29 days of the month, immediately sidesteps even the barest of hints to other clients, so there’s no way he could ever accept Jensen as he is, for who he is when he’s not here.
This moment, namely Jared’s reaction, is further proof of that.
Jensen leans back on his hands and holds his breath as he waits for Jared to flash back to the program.
Jared’s eyes skate over Jensen’s stomach to the handful of marks then up to Jensen’s face before looking down again. His voice flattens out, almost hard and mad, when he asks, “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” Jensen insists, reaching for Jared’s hands to distract him from the blemishes. But Jared yanks his hands away as if he’s been burned.
And maybe he has. They both have.
“Jensen.”
So much can be heard in those two syllables and Jensen fears which is accurate: that Jared is worried for him or for himself, being shocked right out of the moment by this heavy reminder that Jensen has other clients. That Jared isn’t the only man in Jensen’s life, when Jensen is for him.
Jensen shoves his own feelings far below the ones he keeps for Jared and reaches for Jared’s hands again. This time, Jared doesn’t shake out of the hold and Jensen breathes in relief. He takes the time to pull Jared in close again and brings his hand to Jared’s jaw, sweeping up his cheek, and softly smiles when Jared leans into the touch.
Jared’s throat constricts with a hard swallow and his eyes slip closed, and Jensen’s transported to early in their relationship when Jared was skittish as a newborn colt, shaky and anxious of every step.
He pulls Jared down, foreheads touching. The need to bolster Jared and lift him back up to his full bank of confidence grows and Jensen only has Jared’s happiness in his sights. So he murmurs, “You’re the only one I do this with.”
There’s a brief nod as Jared seems to get it, but then his thumb coasts around one of those marks again and he sighs.
“You’re the only one,” Jensen stresses as he holds Jared’s face with both hands and forces them to look at each other.
Jared slips out of the hold and stands straight, and Jensen’s sure that Jared’s about to bolt to the bedroom, hide in the shower like that time they tried to escape the borders of this suite for fresh air. Maybe Jared’s ready to kick Jensen out and that’ll be it for them.
Hell, that could be just what Jensen needs to break out of this prison he’s confined himself to.
Another short nod and Jared steps back, one foot then another. He turns and walks further through the living room. All he says is, “Bedroom,” as he turns off every light along the way.
Jensen takes a moment to collect himself and get realigned with Jared’s mood.
The guilt is heavy, making him stew in his own troubles; he could have cancelled or rescheduled this afternoon’s or, at the very least, insisted no marks were left. He didn’t, because it’s one of his long-standing clients, and now it’s made an even bigger mess of this thing with Jared. And he knows that’s all on him.
So, he’ll face the music on his own and do whatever he must to make it up. To make Jared forget about seeing anything, make Jensen forget that they’re in this chaotic tangle where truths and lies are blurred.
In the dark of the bedroom, Jensen can make out the shape of Jared sitting at the edge of the bed, head hanging and hands rubbing along his knees. He’s nervous, worried. Jensen is, too, but he’s the professional here and has to bypass what happened in the other room to get them back on track, otherwise he’s not doing his job.
Jensen walks right up to Jared and combs through his hair, leading his head back to see Jensen’s small, encouraging smile in what little moonlight comes through the windows. His eyes are adjusting to the dark and he can see Jared blink at him before beginning to slowly smile with him.
“What were you saying before?” Jensen asks with his voice light and breezy. “About the guys at work who were grumpy like me?”
Jared chuckles a little, like he doesn’t want to, or can’t let himself fully fall back into the cadence they had when the evening first began.
He strokes along Jared’s jaw and leans down to him. “When you said you missed me?” Jensen hums a quick, soothing kiss against Jared’s lip. “I didn’t tell you, but I sure as hell missed you, too.”
He ignores that it’s more fact than fiction, instead focusing on how it kicks Jared into action with his hands coming up to Jensen’s neck and reeling him in to kiss.
It gets deep and needy, more intense than by the bar, and Jensen crawls into Jared’s lap to get as close as possible and continue to soothe Jared, to draw them back into the scene.
Jared shows it’s working when he grabs around Jensen’s waist and holds tightly as he flips them over to Jensen’s back. He immediately pushes Jensen further up the bed and follows to dive deep into Jensen’s mouth, tongue incessant and needy as he grinds slow and dirty into Jensen. There’s a brief pause as he reaches for the side table and a cache of lube and condoms in the top drawer that Jared always has ready for them, and Jensen thinks they’re past the trip-up from before as this feels like most other nights they’re together. All tied up in each other, unable to stop kissing or touching somewhere, anywhere.
There’s the shock of cold and wet when Jared presses lubed fingers to Jensen’s ass, running around the rim before nudging the tip of his middle finger in. Jensen moans, drawing it out for Jared; it’s blissful for him, too, as Jared pushes in another knuckle and another. He rocks down on Jared’s finger as it works him, and he pulls at Jared’s tie, loosely knotted around his neck as he’s still fully dressed, and Jensen suddenly doesn’t give a shit if Jared’s naked or not. He tugs Jared down to kiss through the pain of a second finger breaking through, groaning into Jared’s mouth and trying to split focus between the talented fingers and gifted tongue.
When Jared gets a third finger in, he stops the kiss and stares at Jensen. His chest is working hard through his rough breathing, and his mouth keeps opening and closing until he gets the nerve to say what he needs to. “Say it again.”
Jensen winces against the burn of Jared’s thick fingers along with the confusion of the demand.
“Tell me again,” Jared says, voice thick and wet, “That I’m the only one.”
Closing his eyes briefly, Jensen fights against the pain fracturing his chest wide open. Not only to hear Jared brokenly begging, but to have to repeat his admission.
“Jen,” he whispers, and Jensen’s whole body shivers at the nickname, the way Jared sounds so needy yet endearing when he says it.
It takes a lot to drag the words out, to yank them from the dark recesses of his heart. “You are.” Jensen feels a bloom of pride that he’s able to do it without fully breaking apart. “Only one I have this with.”
Jared kisses him hard, lips pressed tight together, then pulls back just enough to get the condom on, slick himself up, and begins sliding inside Jensen.
He thinks Jared’s shaking as he does it, holding himself up by one hand on the mattress near Jensen’s head, and going so unearthly slow until he’s flush to Jensen. Jared drops down to cover Jensen and rocks slowly, almost carefully. Maybe he’s trying to savor it, or maybe he’s still rattled and splintering at the seams. Then Jensen realizes Jared seems distracted as he’s quickly looking down and up, but nowhere in between. And that’s why the lights are out, why Jared’s draped over Jensen, all so he doesn’t have to see what was left behind on Jensen’s skin.
Sidestepping the minefield of accusations that it’s all his fault they’re so fucked up right now, Jensen drags his hands up Jared’s back and tucks them over his shoulders. Trying to distract Jared, he pitches his voice low and groans. “You feel so good, babe. Can’t wait for you to really give it to me.”
It seems to be enough and Jared quickly pulls back and pushes in like a test run. He does it again and Jensen moans loudly and wraps his legs around Jared’s hips to encourage him. And that works, too, because Jared finally starts moving with real intent. The rhythm is slow and steady, but the power slams into Jensen, forcing him up the mattress to the headboard in seconds.
Jensen sets his palms against the board to get some leverage, but otherwise lets Jared drive into him, fucking hard and relentless with his own grunts in tandem with each stroke.
Jared gets his knees in the mattress to change angles and tucks his hands beneath Jensen’s shoulders to pull him down on his dick. He’s moving a little quicker now, hips smacking to Jensen’s ass, his breath coming louder in Jensen’s ear.
“There you go, Jared,” Jensen pants out. He even brings his arms down around Jared’s shoulders to hang on and let Jared take all that he needs to forget their earlier missteps.
Jared’s hips pump faster with his dick sliding deeper on each stride and hands pulling harder on Jensen’s shoulders. He must be getting closer because he arches his back and brings his forehead to Jensen’s as he stutters and holds his breath, and Jensen cups Jared’s face as he eggs him on to fuck faster, harder, to finish him off. And Jared follows the orders through the last rocks of his hips until he bites his lower lip and whines as he comes.
Within seconds, Jared pulls out and gets rid of the condom. But he stays close as he looks into Jensen’s eyes, searching. For what, Jensen has no idea. He doesn’t ask, just thumbs at Jared’s bottom lip, which is hot and plump from his own teeth, and Jared leans in to bite the pad of his thumb.
“Do you like that?” Jared asks, but there’s no trace of enticement. Just wonder.
“Do you?” he counters. There’s a brief shake of Jared’s head, so Jensen asks, “What do you like?”
Jared drops a hand between them and curls his fingers around Jensen’s dick, hard and aching, begging for attention even when he was intent on letting Jared have it all. “You,” he finally answers. “A lot of things about you.”
Jensen’s eyes flicker closed as Jared strokes him and his hips rock into the fist. He tries to hide away from the real affection behind Jared’s words. Still, his mouth betrays him to ask, “Like what?”
“Like your lips.” Jared sucks at Jensen’s bottom lip, releasing before Jensen can draw him into further kisses. His eyes are fixed on Jensen’s as he continues fisting him, getting quick and dirty in no time. “And when you come for me. When you say my name.”
His orgasm slinks right up and his breathing catches in his chest. “Jared,” he whimpers to Jared’s tilted smile.
“And I like that we have this,” he whispers to Jensen’s lips.
“Fuck, Jared,” he whimpers again just moments before his orgasm fully slams against him. Jared kisses him through it, and it’s so surprisingly gentle, all lips, soft touches of tongues, that Jensen whines against the emotion crashing over him like a tidal wave.
He’s certain he’s about to drown now.
Especially when they’re all cleaned up, Jared’s ordered room service for a late dinner, and they’re sprawled out in bed with the TV on low. The lights are still out and when Jared looks over, his eyes never trail further than Jensen’s neck. To save them the trouble, Jensen brings the sheet over his chest to cover up.
They haven’t said anything for a good ten minutes, just letting the TV keep them company. Jared’s voice is gravelly when he opens his mouth. “Can I ask you something?”
Jensen glances over, remaining quiet until he can judge the look on Jared’s face. Figure out if this is just some random wondering Jared’s had before, like when he asked about pets and Jensen’s childhood, or something more dire to discuss.
“How much …” Jared clears his throat and keeps his eyes to the screen. “If I was the only one.”
He swears his heart stops.
“Not just like this,” Jared goes on, “but all the time.”
It stops again, and Jensen has to draw in a deep breath to get back on course of breathing. He looks over to be sure Jared actually asked that and that he’s actually awaiting an answer. A real answer to a real question.
Before this second, Jensen had considered any situation even close to this entirely hypothetical. For anyone, not just Jared, to make him a kept man. Long ago, he’d decided that he didn’t want that for himself, so it would take mighty deep pockets. Probably even deeper than Jared’s, but that’s not the real problem.
Instead of saying all that, however, Jensen turns back to the TV and simply replies, “Too much.”
“How much?” Jared asks again. After a beat, he adds, “Give me a number and I’ll decide if it’s too much.”
“I can’t,” he replies, yanking the sheet higher out of frustration. He wants this discussion over. Needs it to be, but Jared is a dog with a bone and keeps going.
“What if I were here more? If I moved here?”
Jensen closes his eyes against the barrage of ideas and does all he can to root himself in place because he’s sure if he fled now, it would do more damage to Jared than rejecting the suggestion.
“Then what?”
“Are you really moving here?” Jensen asks as level as possible. Maybe it’s not even in the books and Jared is just curious.
“I’m here all the time anyway,” Jared explains. “I could cover whatever else they pay you.”
“No, Jared,” he pushes back with a sigh.
“Or if you came to California?”
“It’s not on the table.” Jensen’s voice gets harder, and he looks to Jared to show it on his face. Because he knows that this isn’t a simple business transaction. And it sure as hell isn’t something Jensen wants to negotiate.
When Jared’s eyes go wide and soft, Jensen’s walls crumble and he has to tell the truth.
Finally. For the both of them.
“I don’t want that. Not because I don’t want you, but you don’t deserve it.” And that’s the thing … he knows Jared doesn’t deserve to be wrapped up in Jensen’s orbit of illicit contracts, not to mention it being a solitary deal and have this be part of their history. “You can move on and be with someone who deserves you. Who you deserve. You’re growing and gaining so much confidence in the man you want to be. I can’t get in the way of that. And you don’t want to waste your time with me, anyway. Not like this. You don’t want my baggage.”
Jensen’s chest is heaving as he rattles it all out then it tightens when Jared doesn’t say a word, doesn’t try to fight.
Jared’s simply blinking at Jensen, eyes wide and wet. Jensen figures his are, too, but his confession had been an out-of-body experience and the words tumbled faster than Jensen did in this relationship.
In due time, Jensen can feel how hot his cheeks are, the pinch of his fingernails in the palms of his hands, but he can’t move. Not even when the quiet is too much. He waits, wanting, for Jared to speak, because while Jensen knows he has to stand his ground, he’s stunned Jared isn’t trying to convince him otherwise.
Maybe Jared knows everything already, already knows Jensen isn’t good enough. For some reason that hurts deep in Jensen’s gut and adrenaline pumps hard. He suddenly stands from the bed, dragging the sheet with him, but he can’t run just yet.
He turns back to the bed and waits another few frozen moments as Jared continues to stare at a spot between them. Those thin, perfectly lips open slightly, like Jared’s prepared to say something yet can’t get the words together.
The silence is far too thick and Jensen clears his wet throat. “I’m sorry, Jared.”
“That’s it,” Jared says, more than asks. “No deliberation.”
Frozen in place, Jensen can’t discern which way is the easiest way out of this conversation. He’s too afraid to try and hit a landmine that blows everything to dust.
Maybe he already did that, because Jared slowly nods and barely spares him a look. His voice is low and tired, and Jensen’s chest tightens at the sound. “So you don’t want this after all?”
It couldn’t be more true, yet Jensen is sure his reasoning is far different than what Jared means.
In the silence, Jared finds an answer, even if it’s not Jensen’s. “I guess so.” Jared turns off the TV and tosses the rest of the bedding to the ground as he gets out of bed and marches right to the bathroom. Seconds later, the door is slammed shut and the shower is on, both making Jensen flinch.
The shower is Jared’s best escape in the suite - has been before, and just like before, Jensen considers going in there to clean everything up for Jared.
And still, Jensen is terrified of finding the wrong words … or worse yet, the right ones and burying himself even deeper in this mess. A small part of his mind is telling him to run, to take this opening and dive right through it so he can release himself from the guilt and pain of this prison. For now, it’s the only piece of him with any confidence, any action, so he listens to it.
As Jared holes up in the bathroom, Jensen gets dressed in pants and shirt half-buttoned over his undershirt, tie hanging around his neck. He sorts out a few things in the bedroom so Jared can return to an organized bedroom – this at least, Jensen can clean up.
He takes one long last look at the suite before scribbling his final goodbye on the hotel pad on the desk. There’s a long pause as he wonders how to sign it and eventually settles on a simple, tiny heart and J.
Just as he drops the pen to the desk, the shower shuts off and Jensen looks to the bathroom, as if he can see through walls and offer Jared one last smile. He’s not even sure he deserves the moment. Surely, Jared doesn’t deserve any more pain, so with his own grief bottled up, Jensen finally leaves the suite and leaves Jared behind.