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There’s a kindness in the quiet of cemeteries.
There’s no masking what they are—the inevitable, the end. An endless reminder of loss and pain, but they offer a boon to those who must visit: a moment of peace in a world that never grants time to grieve. A reminder of time and a respite from it all at once.
Sam’s at Hannah’s grave today.
“ Well,”, she thinks darkly, her eyes glancing at the two names carved next to hers on the stone:
Elizabeth Washington
1996-2014
In Our Hearts Always
Joshua Washington
1994-2015
Beloved Brother, Son
“ I’m here for Hannah today.”
Their graves are immauculate, as they always are when she comes. Some days she talks to Beth, sometimes to Josh. She brings flowers, even though the Washingtons never let their children’s graves go without stunning bouquets. They don’t let her come often, but as long as she keeps quiet they don't say a word to anyone about her visits.
It’s pretty here, under the shade of the tree. The sun is going down, but she feels no urgency.
“So, I’m sure you know what day it is.”
She drops to the ground, sitting cross-legged.
“I didn’t know where to go for the anniversary.”
She opens her bag and carefully lays out a row of candles, lights them one by one, without a word.
“Ever since that night, the first one, I’ve been so angry at you. I tried so hard to keep you away from Mike, I wanted so badly for you to let it go before you got hurt. I knew you wouldn’t listen.”
Sam’s hands curl into fists and she sucks in a breath, her voice shaking. “Why did you run into the snow? Why did you run away, why didn’t you come to me? I was right there Hannah, right there at your side and you went out into those woods instead. I still didn’t think—I didn’t think that you would never come back. I never thought that something like that…”
A soft breeze causes the little flickers of the candles to sway and Sam’s throat closes up, her eyes burn. “I’m the only one left Han. There were ten of us—now it’s just me. I couldn’t save anyone.”
She attended every funeral. Every single one, she stood tall in a black dress and she bore the angry stares of her friends’ parents, felt the weight of their accusations.
Why are you alive, while my child is dead?
Closed caskets and stained glass windows painted her dreams for weeks after the lodge. The police, once convinced she didn’t kill anyone, were careless with their whispers around her.
“Decapitation—“
“Impaled through the jaw—“
“—body completely destroyed”
What happened that night?
Most of the details of what happened at Blackwood were never released and she was dismissed. Poor, traumatized Samantha. She was just confused, a poor stupid kid. They treated her like she was made of glass, like she hadn’t survived the worst thing she could possibly ever go through.
“I keep thinking about what else I could have done. If I had just been faster, or done something differently, maybe you wouldn’t be...maybe everyone wouldn’t be—” She wants to scream. “Did I let you down, Hannah? Did I let you all down?”
She remembers that night, before the prank. They’d all played this trivia game Josh had played in college and Sam, Hannah and Emily were absolutely trouncing Chris, Josh and Mike. It was so fun...they hadn’t all been able to get together in months. How did things get so out of control?
“Everyone thinks I’m crazy. No one cares what really happened.”
She watches the flames reflect on the stone. It’s getting darker and the air grows colder and colder. She doesn’t shiver like she might have once.
“This isn’t how things were supposed to end.”
She stays there until dawn, long after the candles each go out.