Chapter Text
All the women I meet are tired;
They just kick up their feet prior.
‘cause we’re not afraid of the war we brought on
And we’re steady while holding you all
The story spread quickly. It was impossible for it not to, no matter how much Janine had tried to keep it to herself. After all, it wasn’t every day that the entire runner corps was dispatched to rescue their abducted commander, and everyone wanted to know what the hell was going on.
Namely, why the hell they weren’t going after the man who’d attacked her.
A quick briefing with only the barest of details (along with a stern warning from Five that anyone making too much of this would be on latrine duty for a month) managed to mostly shut the runners up, but Maxine heard the whispers when they came through for bite check. Everyone was on edge. Tom had managed to capture Janine while she was in the field with Five.
That made Tom about the most dangerous person any of them had ever encountered.
It didn’t help that Janine was now offsite for a few days. As soon as the Ministry heard what had happened, they insisted on having her meet with their officials at New Canton to assess her mental state.
Immediate furlough was mandated. Away from Abel.
There hadn’t been any arguing it, though Jo, who’d gone along for moral support/her general distrust of the Ministry, had tried. The Ministry argued back that New Canton had more amenities and more resources, both of which Janine needed to help get past what had happened to her.
Maxine and the rest of the doctors had resented that. Sure, none of them were mental health professionals, but was anyone in New Canton? And if they were, did they really expect Janine to open up to any of them?
Still, the Ministry was insistent that a few days’ change of scenery would do her good, and Janine had been too exhausted to fight. Jo had begrudgingly left her behind and accepted temporary command of Abel in her absence. Her command was smooth if stripped down. Essential supply runs and following up leads on Moonchild only for the runners, basic duties for anyone else. Those things alone were more than enough to account for most of the hours of her day without running or working in the hospital. Any time left over was devoted to poring over medical texts about addiction in hopes of finding anything else that might work like the Tavington machine.
As she often did when she was busy, Jo had stopped taking much care of herself. According to Sam, she didn’t sleep much, and no one saw her in the mess hall. Rather than fight about it, Sam had asked Paula and Maxine to help make sure she got at least a couple meals a day when he was working. He’d figured out that if you put food in front of her, she would eat it, but wait for her to stop working long enough to go find food for herself? You’d be waiting a long time.
Maxine had finished her hospital shift and was heading to the farmhouse with a sandwich and an attempt at distraction. She’d been thinking a lot since getting back to Abel and finally breaking the mind control. Her time off with Paula had reminded her of what was really important for the first time since the apocalypse began. All at once, she’d remembered the future they’d wanted to build, the life they’d wanted to share, and Maxine didn’t want to wait any longer to have that.
And as they’d all learned again and again, more time was never guaranteed.
Maxine knocked on Jo’s office door and took her the vague noise she made back as permission to come in.
Like she always was, Jo was sitting at the desk with three different books splayed across it. Her hair was haphazardly piled on top of her head and secured with a clip, and she’d wrapped an oversized grey and white flannel over her small frame and rolled the sleeves up to her elbows
“How goes it, Acting Commander?”
Jo groaned. “Please don’t call me that, I hate this. I would hate it even if it didn’t mean Janine wasn’t here.”
Maxine set the plate on the desk. “Any word on when she’ll be back?”
She turned a page. “Tonight, actually, thank fuck. Sam heard from New Canton not too long ago. Apparently she finally convinced the Ministry that she can sit alone in a room and ignore everyone in Abel just as well as she can in New Canton.”
“Oh, that is good,” Maxine said. “Knowing Janine, a little bit of work is more likely to help her than 100% rest, and you certainly need the break.” She nudged the plate towards her.
Jo glanced up at her. “Would you please tell my boyfriend that I do not need babysitters?”
“You know, I would, but I don’t really like lying.”
Jo stuck her tongue out at her, but she did pick up the sandwich and take a bite.
“Speaking of, what’s that shirt?” Maxine asked. “I don’t recognize it as Sam’s.”
“No, it’s Janine’s, I got cold and found it in her office, and it has nothing to do with the fact that it smells like her and I’m anxious about not being able to put my eyes on my best friend while she’s in distress.”
“Right, of course not.” Maxine sat down in the chair opposite her. “You mind if we talk while you eat?”
“ ‘course not,” Jo said around a mouthful, still flipping through the pages.
Maxine stared at her for a second. “Jo?”
She didn’t respond.
Maxine reached across the desk and closed the book, and Jo looked up abruptly.
“No, sorry, I’m here. What’s up?”
Maxine wrung her hands. “It’s…well, I…” she laughed. “You know, this is sort of a weird thing to bring up.”
Jo raised an eyebrow. “You and Paula aren’t looking to swing, are you? Because I love y’all, but I am solidly monogamous.”
Maxine laughed again and threw a napkin at her. “Oh, behave. No, it’s just…I mean it is about me and Paula. Paula and me. Now that we’re back together, like really back together…I’ve been thinking about the life we were trying to build before. How we wanted to get married in a vineyard and travel the world, do something extravagant like get a vacation house in the South of France or the Amalfi Coast…most of those things are impossible now. But there was something else. Paula…she always wanted children. And I never did.”
Jo nodded. “I remember.”
“It was always such a sticking point for us,” Maxine continued. “She’s always known that she wants kids, and I never did, or I wasn’t sure, and we would put off the conversation for another day and keep that worry in the back of our minds that someday, this was going to be the end of us. And in all the time we were apart, all I could think about was getting her back. Nothing else. Not what would happen next or what our lives would look like in this world, just being together again. And now we are, and we’re some manner of settled, so now I have time to think about what our lives could be like now, and the future we could build, and –”
“Maxine?” Jo said. “You’re kind of rambling, babe.”
“Sorry. Yeah, I’m nervous.” She took a deep breath. “I want to think about the future now. And that future is a family. With Paula.”
“Maxine, that’s…that’s great!” Jo said, looking confused.
“Thank you, but…there’s more. Part of the sticking point for this issue in the past was that we never had the right donor. But now…”
Jo’s eyes widened. “Oh.”
“Yeah…hence the weird. Sam is so wonderful. He’s my best friend, and he and Paula have gotten so close, and I just know his genes would be perfect. He is kind and caring and smart and funny, everything you could want your future child to be. And I haven’t said anything to him! I wanted to talk to you first. That felt fair since this is…well, asking if your boyfriend can be the father of my child is a pretty damn big ask, especially when I know you don’t want kids yourself. And you are absolutely allowed to say no! If this is too weird, or if you don’t want to deal with this, you can absolutely tell me no, and I will never bring it up again. But after I had the idea, it wouldn’t leave me alone. So I had to ask.”
Jo stared back at her with an expression Maxine couldn’t quite read. She held her breath, realizing for the first time how much she had just thrown at her friend who already had a lot on her plate. She felt her cheeks flush and wondered if this had been a massive mistake.
“Maxine, that’s…” Jo shook her head slightly. “I actually think that might be a great idea.”
Maxine was stunned. “Really??”
“Yeah. I mean, it is weird, don’t get me wrong, but what in our lives isn’t? We’re currently trying to track down a woman who’s building an army of mind controlled people, life is absolute chaos. But you and Sam having a baby…it sort of makes sense. He’s the best person I know, so why wouldn’t he be the best donor? He and I have talked about the kids thing. I am absolutely certain I don’t want kids, and Sam says he’s fine with that, but he would be such a good dad. Not that being a donor would automatically make him a dad – ”
“No, no, I’d want him to be as involved as he wanted to be. And you. I know you don’t want kids of your own, but I’ve seen you with Molly. I am so sure I want someone like you in my kid’s life.”
Jo smiled. “Thanks, Maxine. As long as you’re cool with their first word probably being ‘fuck.’”
She looked back down at the desk for a second. “Was this…a very weird thing for me to quickly say yes to? Like are we being way too chill about this?”
“I’m not sure I’m the best judge of weird today,” Maxine said. “Besides…everything is weird?”
“Touche. Have you talked to Paula yet?”
Maxine shook her head. “No, I didn’t want to get her hopes up before I had more information. And I’ll want to talk to Sam first too. I know honesty is a big thing for you two, but if you wouldn’t mind not saying anything to him, just for a couple days. I need some time to think through exactly what I’m going to say. If I thought this conversation was weird, I’m pretty sure ‘hey can I have some of your sperm’ will be worse.”
She laughed. “Absolutely, keeping someone else’s secret doesn’t count as lying. That is yours to share when you’re ready.”
“Ok. Yeah. Great.” Maxine exhaled. “Wow, that is a huge load off of my shoulders. You can’t imagine how nervous I was to bring this up.”
Jo laughed. “Really? You’ve never had the standard ‘hey mind if I have a baby with your boyfriend’ talk before?”
Both women laughed.
“God, now you’ve got my medical mind going,” Jo said. “Have you given any thought to the logistics of this? Because I’m not sure where we’re going to find IVF tech in the apocalypse.”
“None, I really just had the Sam thought and figured I’d go from there. Maybe New Canton has some equipment?”
“Yeah, maybe,” Jo said, thinking. “If not…you have turkey basters in the U.K., right?”
The sun had set by the time the New Canton guards dropped Janine at the gates of Abel. She’d insisted on arriving late – before curfew, but after most of the residents would be otherwise occupied indoors. The last thing she wanted was a welcoming committee.
Convincing the Ministry to let her finish our her furlough at home had been no easy task. They’d been so sure the familiarity of the place wouldn’t do her any good to try and process Tom’s reappearance, no matter how many times she reminded them she hadn’t been in Abel when he’d taken her. More than anything, she’d wanted to work through this in her own home, cry about it in her own bed. But they had been sure New Canton was better. It was true that being in New Canton left her without even the temptation to work, but she was sure her friends would see to keeping her on rest.
And she really wanted her friends.
She could see lights on inside as she opened the farmhouse door. There was light piano playing from the record player in the corner – Chopin, her favorite – and the smell of something on the stove.
She’d half expected this, though she hadn’t dared hope for it.
Jo poked her head out from the kitchen with a smile. “Hey. Welcome home.”
“Thank you,” Janine said weakly. “Is anyone else here?”
Jo shook her head. “Just me. I figured you’d try to slip past us, but I also thought you’d probably like at least one familiar face when you got home.”
Janine managed a small smile. “You thought correctly.”
She gestured towards the couch. “Sit. I’ll get you some soup.”
Janine walked over to the couch, running a finger along the end table before she sat.
“Did you clean?” she called into the kitchen.
“Uhh, yeah,” Jo called back.
“When did you have the time?”
Jo returned with two steaming mugs and a loaf of bread tucked under her arm. “When I wasn’t doing other things. Here.”
Janine tucked into the soup immediately – potato leek, if she wasn’t mistaken. She hadn’t realized how hungry she’d been. The food at New Canton was passable, but bland, and she hadn’t had much of an appetite for most of her stay. But now, presented with a homecooked meal, she found herself famished. She ate half the mug and about a quarter of the bread before she looked up.
“Is that my shirt?”
“Nope, you’re still traumatized.”
Janine threw her a look. “Is that really the most appropriate thing for you to joke about?”
Jo shrugged. “Are you implying there’s a way of dealing with trauma that isn’t making inappropriate jokes?”
Janine sighed, but she almost laughed too. “I suppose you want me to talk about it,” she said.
Jo shook her head. “Not until you’re ready.”
“Quite the opposite of what that damned counselor in New Canton said,” Janine replied.
“They have those?”
“Self-certified, I believe,” she said drily. “Residents with no degrees and too much time on their hands for reading books. I suppose needs must, but…”
“Fucking New Canton, man,” Jo muttered. “Well, I’m a doctor, not a psychiatrist, but you don’t have to tell me how hard this shit is to talk about. I’ve got so much locked up in my own brain sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever find it all.”
Janine nodded and was quiet for a moment. “I’m grateful you’re here,” she said finally.
Jo smiled and raised her mug.
The two women were silent for a moment, and Janine was grateful for the quiet. There was little quiet at New Canton, no matter how she locked herself away in the – admittedly comfortable – temporary quarters they’d given her. She was far happier here, sharing an amicable silence with a friend.
“The Ministry really sent people in to evaluate you?” Jo said at last.
“No, one of their people is stationed there. Do you remember Isabel Mariot?”
“The one who told us Jamie is actually king?”
“Yes, that one,” Janine replied. “I would speak to her and then she would report back to the Ministry via radio. It was all…quite the opposite of what I would’ve wanted in the aftermath of an event like that.”
“I’m sorry,” Jo said. “Did you at least get any rest?”
“Oh, I slept quite a bit,” she said. “And I got to do some reading. It wasn’t all a waste, I suppose. Ms. Mariot also told me that the Ministry reviewed those scans of Dr. Myers’s brain. There’s no rebuilding the Tavington Clinic’s machine, but they have become convinced that the effects could be replicated through hypnosis.”
Jo made a face. “And you think this is…a viable option?”
“No, I think it’s a bunch of cobblers, but they are quite keen on it. And they want one of our runners to meet with Ms. Mariot and test it out.”
Jo sighed. “Let me guess. They want me?”
“I’ve told them no,” Janine said. “It’s hogwash. If they want to test this theory of theirs, they can do so on one of their own people.”
“And they listened to that?”
Janine stirred her soup. “They did not. They do not wish to waste time testing this on someone at lower risk. They believe that, given Moonchild’s fixation, you could be a target. But I don’t care. I am not wasting your time or handing you over to the Ministry as some kind of guinea pig, not after everything you’ve – ”
“I’ll do it.”
Janine looked up. “What?”
“I said I’ll do it.”
“Johanna –”
“Janine.”
They stared at each other.
“I do not like the idea of you doing this, especially not after what happened with Van Ark.”
“Yeah, well, neither do I, and I especially don’t like the idea of anyone poking around in my brain, but if it gets them off your case?” Jo said. “It’s not like it’s going to work. So I meet with Isabel, waste an hour or so, and get the Ministry to leave you alone.”
“We could ask someone else – ”
“Nope, if the Ministry wants me they’re going to insist on me. Besides, I do love proving people wrong.”
Janine looked at her, fighting back the wave of emotion that came from knowing someone cared about her enough to go through something uncomfortable just to make her life easier.
“You’re sure about this?”
“I am,” Jo said. “I mean really, what’s the worst thing that could happen? Eat your soup.”
It had been a strange few days in Abel. Between Janine’s absence, Jo stepping in to run things, and the Ministry’s announcement that they believed hypnosis could be the cure for mind control, Sam’s head had been spinning for days.
And then, Maxine had come to talk to him.
She could’ve given him 1000 chances to guess what she wanted to talk about, and he never would’ve come close. Now he couldn’t stop thinking about the idea of being a dad. He was sitting in bed with a book, but he’d been on the same page for close to an hour now, unable to focus. Instead, he was indulging in one of his favorite hobbies, which was getting miles ahead of himself.
This was all theoretical for now. Maxine hadn’t talked to Paula, they had no idea the logistics, or how long it would take, or even when the right time would be. Abel under threat from a mind controlled army hardly felt like the moment to bring a baby into the world.
None of that stopped the way his heart swelled at the idea, though. In truth he hadn’t given children much thought since Jo had revealed she never wanted any. And while he categorically disagreed with her belief that she was “too selfish” to be a mother, he wholeheartedly supported her decision and accepted it for himself. Their world was a brutal and unpredictable one; as long as his future included Jo, he was happy, just like he’d told her.
Sam sighed. That conversation felt like it had happened years ago, when they’d thought Maxine’s anti-zombie formula might actually bring an end to the apocalypse. The Major was still alive then, and Sara. Simon was still one of them, though he was already working for the enemy by then. Mind control hadn’t breached their gates, the Ministry kept their hands off the Major’s command, Van Ark hadn’t taken Jo and done things they still didn’t understand to her. Could all of that really have been just a few months ago?
But a baby. A baby with his best friend, one they would get to raise in community – that was a new start. Something whole and clean in a world marked by monsters. A chance for them to do something good.
He checked his watch. He’d finished his last run before Jo’s session with Isabel had ended, but it should’ve been over for an hour by now. It was her third session in three days. Tomorrow, Isabel wanted to take her into the field to test if it was working.
Sam didn’t like it. He didn’t like the idea to start with, not given how Jo valued guarding her mind, he didn’t like how exhausted she’d looked after her first two sessions, and he especially didn’t like the nightmare she’d awoken from that morning. She was set on doing it, though. For Janine’s sake, she would shut up and do what the Ministry wanted. She was also certain it wasn’t going to work, and Sam hoped after they proved that tomorrow she’d decide she was done.
He looked back to his book, still not reading it. He wanted to think about happier things. He wanted to talk to her about the idea of a baby. Maxine had gone to her first, which was probably for the best, though he would’ve killed to be a fly on the wall for that conversation. She had said that Jo actually loved the idea, and Sam was dying to hear her thoughts.
As soon as she got home, though, he knew he wasn’t going to get that chance tonight. She stumbled through the door of their quarters looking worse than she had the previous two days. The clip holding her hair in place had slid halfway down the back of her head, leaving her curls mussed like she’d been tossing and turning all night. She was driving the heel of her hand into her left eye, something Sam had only seen her do when her brain was trying to make her remember something she didn’t want to. Her other eye was squeezed shut, hence the stumble through the door.
“Johanna, what happened??” he said, suddenly alarmed.
She didn’t answer him. Instead, she tripped over a pile of laundry and roughly pulled her clothes off like she couldn’t stand the fabric touching her. Before he could untangle himself from the blankets and get to her, she’d crawled into bed and sprawled herself across his chest, balling up her hands in the fabric of his shirt. She whimpered slightly as she tangled her legs with his and buried her face against his neck, clinging to him as tightly as she could.
“Alright, it’s okay, it’s okay, I’ve got you,” he said, trying not to let her hear the panic in his voice. He pulled the blankets over them and wrapped his arms around her. He hadn’t even gotten them fully settled before the change in her breathing told him she’d fallen into a deep sleep.
It was as if the air had been knocked out of his lungs.
“Oh, my love,” he whispered. “what did they do to you?”