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June 28th, 2005.
Shibuya O-East.
Doomsday.
Or at least that's what Hitomi had called it. It was a fitting term really.
Even with all the lives leading up to our finale, time had flown past us. It felt like just yesterday Sanaka had been reborn as Kanoma (even though he was always and will always be Hitomi to me); like just yesterday we were oh so joyously singing Happy Birthday to Kanoma on stage. What a cruel joke that was. We all knew what was coming. We all knew we were about to break the hearts of a few hundred people and many more later on once the news got out.
I remember I thought I had braced myself for it. I forced a smile on my face as always. I bounced around stage as always. Pestered Mizuha and Hitomi as always.
But then those words came tumbling out of Hitomi's mouth.
六月二十八日、渋谷O-EASTにて．．．．．．Fatimaは．．．．．．解散します。
On June 28th, at Shibuya O-EAST.... Fatima.. will disband.
I remember how his voice wavered ever so slightly, taking pauses between the painful words he spoke into the mic, trying his damnedest to not let his voice break.
All those girls in the audience seemed to scream in unison, tears bursting from their eyes and cascading down their cheeks. No one wanted to believe it. They'd just misheard him, right? Fatima couldn't possibly be breaking up, right? It's just an early April Fool's joke?
Oh, how I wished it had been.
I remember those distraught cries dropped my heart into the pit of my stomach, hanging my head so maybe they wouldn't see the tears lining my eyes. I had to fight a strong urge to run off stage and break down completely as I felt my heart slowly shattering. But none of it destroyed my heart more than when I looked up and saw the silent tears slipping down Hitomi's cheeks.
He wasn't ready for Fatima to end.
None of us were.
And I had been the one to make the final call. The worst call I've ever made in my life. A call I wish with all my might that I could take back.
But what would that solve?
We came to this conclusion because things in the band had begun to fall apart. We were fighting more. We weren't sure what we wanted with the band anymore. I couldn't rightfully stand out there on stage and play music I wasn't happy with. And then the questions about why we were even doing music through Visual Kei. Once all that had started, Fatima was already doomed.
I loved this band. Fatima was my life, my entire being. Even when I spent time alone with Hitomi, we spent so much of that time working on this band and its music. Composition and lyrics, back and forth between the two of us. And if it wasn't that, it was scheduling rehearsals, recording sessions, lives, and figuring out how and when to sponsor events. Fatima was the language we spoke, the air we breathed.
I had worked so fucking hard to keep this band together. Before Fatima even came to be, everything nearly fell apart. Just when it seemed like Mizuha and Daisuke were going to give up on the band, I managed to create Downer. That song was the glue that tied us all together in the beginning, that helped us form Fatima from the ashes of Le:Cheri.
When Daisuke decided to leave, Hitomi wanted to give up and move on. I was the one who begged him to stay- I didn't want to work with anyone else. It took a year's hiatus, but we found a new drummer and a second guitarist. But when Zen left, the talks of breaking up began again. I was quick to quell them. We'd survived losing Daisuke. We could survive this.
And we did. We recruited 4ge and he even became a secondary composer after a while. It was a good change, and he brought a new style and new sounds to the table. We were happy, and Zen was happy returning to being a vocalist in his new band Vanilla.
Then Nao decided to leave. He at least gave us enough of a heads up that we had a replacement for him within mere days. Thankfully we avoided any "kaisan" talk this time. The addition of the younger, energetic Towa really reinvigorated the band- we couldn't have made a better choice.
The 5 of us- we were perfect, weren't we?
But somewhere along the line in just the last year things started to go wrong. Little things that all eventually piled up until it lead to this conclusion. And no amount of attempts to compromise, no amount of begging, seemed to fix it this time.
Fatima was my baby. It was our baby- Hitomi and I. We raised it. We nurtured it. We created beautiful works that stood out in a sea of mediocrity. Each song was our child. Our live shows stood out like no other, and not just because of the fan-service.
But now... now as I stood on that stage one last time, I realised: we were laying our child to rest.
When that last note rang out, when we walked off stage for the last time tonight- Fatima would be over.
Somehow, I managed to keep my focus on the songs and our performance, trying to pretend it was just another live like any other, but one that had to be the best out of all of them. All of our hearts were going to be in shreds by the end of the night, but we were going to go out in a bang, with that frantic energy Fatima was so known for.
Everything went perfect, didn't it?
The fans were more riled up than they'd ever been. Their screams as Mizuha and I shared that very tongue-heavy french kiss for a moment on stage were the loudest I'd ever heard them. Mizuha almost didn't seem to want to let go of me either, huh?
Perhaps they'd also screamed when I was straddling Hitomi's lap during Downer, but I couldn't hear them. The sound of Hitomi's fake moaning filled my ears, and when our gaze connected for a moment, I could see a flicker of the pain he tried to hide behind that mask he wore as Kanoma.
I felt my heart breaking all over again.
Was this all my fault? Was his pain all my fault? I was always prone to blaming myself, wasn't I?
But I could've put my foot down. I could've forced us to go on. But... that wouldn't have been Fatima.
The notes in the songs seemed to ring out forever, and yet, each song seemed to come to a conclusion far too soon. 2 hours. Over 2 hours we'd been on stage. I'd managed to keep my emotions in check for 2 whole hours... until the beginning of Shizumu Taion.
That song will never be the same to me.
I played with my head bowed, tears silently slipping down my cheeks. And when I finally looked up, I saw Hitomi standing there and I knew the wetness on his cheeks was more than just sweat. When he crumpled to the floor crying, clutching his mic, voice wavering as he struggled to get out the final words, I wanted nothing more than to run over to him and hold him, reassuring him that everything would be fine.
But we all know that would've been a lie.
Even still, the song finished long before I had wanted it to. The desperate cries of the fans filled the venue as one by one, we each exited that door in the back. Second to last, I lingered on that stage as long as I could near Hitomi, just taking in the sight of all the fans, all the Downers, in front of me... but then it was time for me to go too. Hitomi lingered even longer on stage, waving good-bye to the fans one last time before closing that door shut behind him.
That exit that symbolised the end of Fatima. The end of our creation, our child.
I knew we still had one final encore left, but I couldn't keep in the sobs anymore as I clung to Hitomi backstage. I never wanted to let him go, I was so scared that when Fatima was gone, really gone, that I'd lose him too.
Hitomi and I had already been through so much together. Not even just the seven years of Fatima, but even before that with Le:Cheri. Ah, I can still so clearly remember that first time I heard his voice from that audition tape he'd sent in, how it sent chills down my spine instantly. After that, I couldn't imagine being in a band with anyone else on vocals, it just seemed impossible.
How long have we been together now? It seems like it's been most of the years Fatima existed. From a relationship built on mutual lust into one built on love over the years. Love that ran as deep as my love for Fatima. Maybe that's why I was scared? I already thought I was going to lose both him and Fatima once before, in that bitter winter of 2003. I can never forget the sight of him in that hospital bed attached to so many machines that beeped incessantly, recovering from emergency surgery to repair a collapsed lung. I worried he'd never sing again. That I'd never get to hear that beautiful voice again.
The month he spent in the hospital was arguably the hardest month of my life. I barely slept due to all the stress from being so worried, keeping him company every single day that I was allowed to until he was released. I've even had nightmares about it happening again. It made me face the very real fact that I could lose him at any time. It was what made me realise I was completely in love with him and had been for some time. Funny how a near tragedy has that effect on you.
Deep in my heart I knew he wouldn't just disappear when Fatima came to an end, but I still wanted to just cling to him as long as I could.
I must've looked like such a mess then, soaked with sweat and mascara running with the tears that didn't want to stop.
With the final encore, we chose to completely let loose. Fatima could be erotic, we could be emotional, and sometimes, like right then, Fatima could be just pure chaos. We didn't want to finish the night on such a heart-breaking note. We wanted to perform until our legs wouldn't carry us anymore, until our voices gave out, until we collapsed from exhaustion. And we wanted to bring our Downers to that point with us.
DREAMERS, Star Spangled Butterfly (Downer ver.), and Candy Xtrippers.
We played DREAMERS faster than we ever had, an encore of the song itself. The energy was frantic and chaotic. What a hell of a final encore. Something one could only expect from Fatima. I let all of my remaining energy go into that encore. I wanted to have nothing left to give at the end.
We all seemed to share the same sentiment there.
Naturally, during Candy Xtrippers is when it really went insane. Hitomi ended up half naked, I don't even know where the top half of his costume went. Of course, he was rubbing himself and moaning into the mic just to tease everyone too. Mizuha was doing his infamous water spraying, dousing the front row of girls several times. 4ge ran around dumping water bottles on the heads of the rest of the front row girls as well.
When Hitomi got close to the audience, they grasped at him so desperately, as if he was going to be torn apart. But it didn't stop him from shaking as many hands as he could grab onto without being engulfed by the crowd. In the craze, I jumped into the wild frenzy of hands at some point, and I'm honestly not sure how I even made it back out.
I felt like I could barely move by the time it was all over. The concert had ended up being 3 hours in total.. and yet, 3 hours still felt far too short.
But we didn't leave just yet. Hugs were exchanged first. Mizuha hugged me so tight, I thought he would nearly squeeze the damn breath out of me, not seeming to want to let go. Maybe he was just as scared as I was? Ever since Le:Cheri, before Fatima, he and I had always been close... Obviously not as close as Hitomi and I ended up being, but a close second. Next to Hitomi, he was my best friend in the band, my secondary confidant. The one I went to when I had relationship problems.
For a moment, 4ge joined the hug, arms around both of us, as gentle as he'd always been. Until now, 4ge hadn't seemed as torn up about Fatima coming to an end as the rest of us. But I knew him better than that. He'd always been the quiet, more stoic one, the "eccentric" one in the band with his love for X-files and strange, unexplained things. But I could hear his quiet sniffles as we held each other for that short moment.
Whenever Mizuha finally released me, he moved onto Towa, though he didn't hug the drummer quite as tightly. Somehow, even in this painful time, Towa was still all smiles. That was just how Towa was- his smiles could brighten up the room, always lifting the mood of the band no matter what was going on. I knew that he was deeply upset by it all, even if he hadn't confided in me about it, but the drummer mostly hid it well there on the stage.
I managed to sneak a peck on Hitomi's cheek when the cameras weren't looking as he and I hugged. Ah, his bare torso was so sweaty. We all were so sweaty, really.
We came together in a huddle, just like we always had before each and every show. Hands on top of hands, Hitomi's hand on top of mine as always. We all loved Fatima. We all were going to miss Fatima. We all were going to miss our Downers.
Seven years of doing this, three years in our current complete lineup. Such a long time for a Visual Kei band, such a short time for a group of friends.
With a shout in unison, the huddle was over. Just as we'd always done, one last time. It was time to leave the stage for good, but I... I still didn't want to go.
It caught even me by surprise when Mizuha destroyed his guitar. He'd cherished that thing for all the years he'd had it. Maybe it was a symbolic move on his part. This was truly the end.
Eventually we all finally made it backstage one after the other, but I kept it together so long as those damn cameras were on us. I knew it was footage for the final DVD, the only live DVD we'd ever release. I didn't want our Downers to see their leader breaking apart.
And as soon as the cameras were off and gone, breaking apart is exactly what I did.
I crumpled against some wall in the dressing room, sliding to the floor and hugging my knees as I sobbed. I didn't want it to be over. I felt like my life was ending right in front of me.
I felt like I'd lost an entire part of my soul.
At some point I remember being pulled to my feet, Hitomi's arms draping around me and pulling me close as he cried too. Then Mizuha. Then Towa. And 4ge.
I'm not sure how long we stayed huddled together like that, all 5 of us crying our hearts out, clinging to each other and not wanting to let go.
After all, we had just laid our child to rest.
When we finally, reluctantly, broke apart, I stole a desperately needed kiss from Hitomi. I told him I loved him. Right in front of the rest of the band. I didn't care anymore. What more was there to hide from anyway?
Everyone lingered in the dressing room for a long time after the show. The staff was even crying, men and women we'd worked with for years. We tried to relax as we all shared some beer, but deep down, we were all hurting. Each and every one of us. And no doubt, the Downers were hurting all the same. Mizuha told me he saw lots of them huddled together, clinging to each other and crying much as we just had been.
Everyone was going to leave with a broken heart that night.
As I left that night with Hitomi, the two of us desperately clinging to one another, it began to rain. A nice slow pitter-patter cooling everything off.
Ah, the arrival of summer.
夏の訪れが別れを指しても この胸の中 思い出、咲き続けてくれ
Even if the arrival of summer means goodbye, keep these memories blooming inside your heart.
For seven years, Fatima burned oh so brightly.
Fatima officially began in June, and now Fatima has officially ended in June.
But Fatima and Downers will never leave our hearts.
素敵な夢ア・リ・ガ・ト・ウ...
Thank you for this wonderful dream...