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Childe was a fool. An utter fool.
It started out simply.
Zhongli was anxious that something might happen to their precious baby. Childe couldn't blame him for that, he himself was worried, but…
Maybe he only got himself to blame as he treated Zhongli like the finest porcelain doll ever since he told him he was eggspecting… Yeah, probably.
He shouldn't have offered to do the dishes every day. That must have been it. It wasn't exactly Zhongli's favourite activity with the slimy soap and mushed leftovers. Even with the gloves Childe bought for him, his face turned a bit green every time. It made perfect sense for Childe to offer doing it instead. It wouldn't be good for the baby after all.
How could he have expected it to turn into… this.
,,Childe, I require a cup of water."
,,Of course, darling!"
,,Childe, can you bring this to miss HuTao?
,,Of course, darling!"
,,Childe, pay this, please?"
,,Of course, darling!"
,,Childe, can you carry me to the fridge?"
,,Uhh, of course, darling!"
,,Childe, can you take the trash out?"
,,Childe, can you put on my socks?"
,,Childe, can you feed me?"
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,,Childe,...."
,,Yes?"
,,Carry me?"
Zhongli was already stretching his arms out, ready for Childe to scoop him.
,,Uh, we're… in the middle of the street, Zhongli."
,,Yes? Were you not aware?''
Childe ended up bride carrying him all around the market with Zhongli navigating him by pointing his finger at objects that caught his eye. He received a great deal of judging glances as well as pats on his back and praises for being such a caring husband. Mostly from the elders. Zhongli had a small satisfied smile on his face. So Childe supposed it wasn't that bad. After all, Zhongli's belly was getting quite noticeable, surely it must have put a lot of strain on his body... right? But after arriving home Zhongli wrecked the whole house by running around and arranging furniture and his favourite rocks and jewelry for three days straight…?
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Yes, Childe should have been smarter. Closing the fridge, he glared at the back of Zhongli's head peeking above the couch.
,,Why did you eat it. Again."
,,I req- The baby required nutrition."
,,What nutrition do you get from paper bags exactly?"
,,..."
,,This has to stop. I would understand you eating my breakfast but… Wait."
Childe opened the fridge again. It didn't give off any cold. Was it broken? Childe put his head inside to look for the cause. And sure enough he found it.
,,Did you eat the slime condensate…"
,,..."
,,..."
,,Can you carry me to the bathroom?"
,,...Of course."
,,Brush my hair?"
,,With what? You ate it yesterday."
He ended up doing all of these, after running around Liuye at 1 am trying to find someone willing to sell him a comb made of cor lapis.
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,,Tartaglia." Xiao growled.
,,Xiao." Childe forced out a smile. The small gremlin summoned his mask.
,,Venti!" the bard squeaked, bringing his arms around their necks in a suffocating hug.
,,Now that we properly introduced ourselves, let's have fun upstairs!"
,,Tch. Ginger piece of-ghrhlhlhhll" Xiao wheezed as Venti hugged his neck tighter and carried them up the stairs.
,,Hello, Xiao. I am glad you finally made it." Zhongli looked up from his cup of tea and gave the adeptus a blinding smile. Xiao went red from head to toe. Childe couldn't really tell if it was Zhongli's doing or the lack of air he himself was experiencing.
,,M-m-y l-l-ur-d" Xiao wheezed.
,,Are you feeling quite alright, Xiao?" Zhongli furrowed his brows, setting his tea aside. Completely oblivious to the choking grasp Venti had on them.
,,Yes, he is! He just agreed to go on a date with me! He just shy~!" Venti singsang, rubbing his head against a very panicked and even redder Xiao.
,,W-at urghll talki-ngrhul aboutglhh?!"
Childe could barely hear the threatening "Isn't that right, Xiao."
,,...S-sur."
Venti squeezed their necks one last time and then threw them away so hard they each somersaulted into a wall.
,,So? So? Morax tell! What surprise do you have?????" Venti ran right in front of Zhongli's face, knocking his cup and the rest of tableware in every direction with his uncontained wind. ,,Tell! Tell! I need to know!"
Zhongli merely chuckled, taking Venti's hand and bringing it to his stomach. The bard went still immediately, the wheels in his brain turning.
,,Oh... Oh! AAAAAAA!" Ventil screamed, pulling at his braids.
,,I don't get it." Xiao crossed his arms, annoyed.
Childe preferred it that way honestly. Getting beaten up by Xiao was nice. A good fight, Zhongli tending to him afterwards… What was there not to love? But Childe would prefer being alive, not to mention that after catching Xiao 'poisoning' his drink with burping potion to make Zhongli "realize what an incompetent idiot you are" he was very careful with what he consumed. Well, at least he promised himself that right after swallowing the drink whole bc "a mere poison will do nothing to me, kid"...Well, he didn't die but he burped for five days straight.
Zhongli, the bastard, found it hilarious much more so when he found out it was Xiao's doing. He thought it was cute. Childe didn't share the sentiment. Now whenever anyone in the vicinity burped, Zhongli would look at him with that glint in his eyes, barely holding his laughter. It was terrible… Yea, Childe would prefer Xiao not to know. Food was like weaponry, yea. Except Childe has never been embarrassed by a weapon. Hm. Ugh. Not for five whole days at least.
,,WE'RE GONNA BE UNCLES, CIAO!" Venti screamed at the top of his lungs, the power of his voice cords swooshing their hair backwards.
,,…" Xiao's mouth kept gaping like a fish.
,,...That's it." Xiao summoned his mask and spear, ominous energy surging all around him. ,,Imma end you for good."
For someone pissed beyond measure, he appeared very calm. If Childe was capable of fear, he would be pissing himself this instant. But alas.
,,Oh, will you, uncle Xiao?"
Childe's life was saved by Venti who jumped back at the adeptus and forcibly dragged him to zhongli ,,C'mon, touch it! Touch it!"
Xiao grumbled as Venti took his hand and placed it on Zhongli's belly. And then stilled as he felt the slight bump and energy swirling inside. He turned his head back at Childe, furious.
The harbinger merely held up his hands in surrender. But the satisfied smirk on his face told otherwise.
Zhongli cleared his throat. ,,I know Venti said you are about to be an uncle, but if you preferred you could be their older sibling of course. I must admit I thought of you as such. Although that is for you to decide."
The poor adeptus went impossibly redder. Venti chuckled beside him, arm coming around his waist, tickling his side. Not helping.
,,Right." Xiao squeaked. Zhongli smiled up at him, impossibly soft. Not. Helping.
,,Ah, my long lost son! Come to papa!" Childe cried.
This time Venti wasn't able to catch Xiao in time.
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,,I love you."
,,I know."
,,So…"
,,No."
,,Childe-"
,,No."
,,For the baby…"
,,No."
,,Wow, such a harsh husband you have, Zhongli."
,,Shut it, Bartobas."
,,As your husband-"
,,No."
,,As your wife-"
,,That won't help you."
,,I'll make my breasts bigg-"
,,Stop. Right. There."
,,Please?"
,,No."
,,Pretty please?"
,,Just buy that damned thing or he's gonna be unbearable, Fatui. I beg you."
Childe glared at the merchant. The price was outright ridiculous. It wasn't worth even a quarter of it.
,,I'll give you a discount, I'm willing to let it go for 59 500 000 mora for your husband's pretty ey-" the merchant didn't finish as Childe's murderous gaze turned darker.
,,Hmm. That's very generous of you." Zhongli subtly kicked Childe's knee.
,,That's just a 500 000 mora cheaper, how is that generous??''
He ended up purchasing the damned thing after Zhongli used his puppy eyes.
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,,Childe."
,,..."
,,Childe, I want this." Zhongli pointed his finger to something in the magazine. Childe didn't have to look at what, the answer was solid. Their house was almost impossible to move in with all the blankets, pillows, rags, golden statues, gemstones, jewels, perfumes and other trinkets.
The answer was a solid: ,,N-no."
,,Childe."
,,..."
,,I'll fight you?"
Childe whipped his head at him so fast, it almost flew off his neck to Monstadt.
,,You're pregnant!"
,,Yes, pregnant not invalid." Zhongli stretched his legs, so they rested on Childe's lap.
,,You can barely walk??"
,,I can walk just fine, I assure you."
,,??? I have to carry you everywhere???"
,,Yes?"
,,I'm-..." Childe didn't finish as Zhongli stretched out even more, yeeting him off the couch.
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,,And checkmate." Childe grinned as he was about to grab the last of Zhongli's chess pieces. Unfortunately, he wasn't fast enough. Zhongli swiftly reached for his knight and-
,,WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!"
,,Oh, Morax…" Ventil tried to hide his giggles behind his hand.
Zhongli had the decency to look ashamed as he crunched the piece between his teeth and swallowed.
,,The baby required it." he grumbled.
,,My chess piece?!"
,,Yes."
,,...I still won, you know."
,,You did not."
,,I did."
,,No."
,,Oh, but I did."
Zhongli pouted, crossing his arms. ,,If you were a proper husband, you wouldn't have."
,,A proper… listen here you little s-"
,,Wow wow, would you look at the time-" Venti quickly grabbed the wine from the table, intending to get as far away from here as he could. Angry pregnant Morax was unbearably funny and somewhat endearing, no doubt about that, but still as deadly. But there was something Venti didn't think of. A strong hand grabbed his coat, yanking him back on the chair.
,,Where do you think you're going with that antique bottle, huh?"
Oh, crap. At least most of Childe's attention was directed at Zhongli.
,,I've let you win seven times, Zhongli. Seven!"
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,,You know, my dear friend. I think paddleboarding probably wasn't our best idea." Venti sighed.
,,Why." Xiao grumbled before him, stabbing water with a paddle.
,,Eh…" Venti let his eyes wander to the pair on a golden paddleboard.
,,Zhongli, stop squirming, you'll get us knocked off!"
,,I saw a rock over there."
,,There are rocks everywhere!"
,,It would go nicely with the rest."
,,Ugh, fine. Where?" Childe groaned, steering the inflatable in the direction Zhongli was pointing at.
,,This one."
,,Zhongli…"
,,Yes?"
,,That's as big as our living room."
,,Yes?"
,,No. I'm not taking that home, there are people sunbathing on it!"
,,..."
,,Ughhhh! Fine!"
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,,Childe."
,,..."
,,Childe, wake up, please."
,,H-...huh? Ack! Is it happening?!"
Zhongli gave him an irritated look.
,,No. I want a pudding."
,,A…pudding…"
Zhongli shifted on the mattress. ,,Yes. A… pudding. A very special pudding."
Childe tiredly wiped at his eyes, getting up. ,,A very special pudding. Okay. Okay."
,,A very special pudding made of qingxin, wild glaze lilies and cor lapis."
,,How is that a pudding?" Childe groaned while he dressed.
Zhongli frowned at his back. ,,It is."
Yawning, Childe opened their window, not caring anymore to use the front door.
,,Childe."
,,Mm?"
,,You forgot something."
,,Oh. Ye, write me down that recipe will you?"
,,... well that too. But also something else."
,,..." Childe furrowed his brows in concentration. As much concentration as he could muster at 3 am anyway. ,,What? You wanted a goodbye kiss?"
Zhongli glared at him. ,,..Nevermind. I lost my appetite."
With a dramatic groan, Childe dragged himself back in bed still dressed.
,,You're lucky I love you, high maintenance dragon." he wrapped his hands around Zhongli, pressed a light kiss into his hair and contently closed his eyes. He loved his life, really. His little family. Zhongli and their child. Life was beautiful.
,,...Childe."
,,Yes?" the ginger mumbled already half asleep.
,,My appetite is back. Now I crave the special pudding and the thing Venti brought last time."
,,Nutella?"
,,I think that was the name, yes."
,,You know that's from Fontaine, right…"
,,I am aware and also no, I didn't want a goodbye kiss, I demand it."
Yes, he shouldn't have offered doing the dishes every day.