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Tommy tucks his long lanky limbs on the windowsill, it doesn't look comfortable, and Techno is almost positive it must be freezing with Tommy's cheek pressed against the snow-covered glass, and yet… Tommy doesn't tear his gaze away from the frosty scenery, doesn't move from the cold. It's alright though, Baba is as close to the teen as the polar bear can physically manage, forcing warmth through soft white fur (it still smarts that Techno had to leave Steve outside, so Baba had space inside his house, but… Tommy connected instantly to Baba and couldn't bring himself to bother her like he would Steve, so Techno had to disturb Steve's comfort… his sacrifice would not be in vain! Techno would make sure of it...).
"You know you can do something," Techno comments as he keeps one eye on the potions he's brewing and the other on Tommy (one of these tasks can blow up viciously in his face if he doesn't pay attention and it's not the scalding hot liquids bubbling in front of him).
"Like what?" Tommy says, and the kid tries to infuse his words with those gruff angry tones he loves to use, but it just falls flat (10/10 for trying though, it's the thought that counts).
"You could help with the potions?" Techno offers, it's an olive branch (it feels like the thousandth one he's offered Tommy lately and even though he has no doubts Tommy will snap it in half like all the offers before, he still tries).
Tommy snorts (as expected).
"Like I'm helping you with those. As though you want me to help you with those," it's… not untrue. It's not as though he thinks Tommy is incompetent and couldn't create some potions (in actual fact Techno is aware Tommy is a master brews men), it's just that… Techno can't trust Tommy around open flames and sharp glass right now. Can't trust the kid around anything dangerous right now…
Techno doesn’t know how he got himself into this situation (he does, he does know, he’s painfully soft and pitifully weak when it comes to Tommy, even after Tommy betrayed him, but he doesn’t want to admit it. He’d rather blame anything else, so he does). Ranboo had come to him begging for help and… he couldn’t say no to his friend. His friend that looked like he was falling apart at the seams, his friend that had never done anything wrong to him. Techno lived by the policy of absolute reciprocity, so where Tommy didn’t deserve his help (he did deserve his help despite everything), Ranboo definitely deserved it, so when Ranboo had asked him to watch over Tommy, he had agreed.
He had reassured himself the first few weeks he had been forced to endure Tommy’s presence around his house that this was all for Ranboo, his shattered friend that had stumbled up to him, with a limp and almost lifeless Tommy in his arms. Reassured himself that caring for Tommy in Ranboo’s stead was not caring for Tommy himself (he cared, he cared far too much). Reassured himself that if Ranboo’s account of events was true (though Techno was justifiable in his doubts this was Ranboo and Tommy he’s talking about, one was known to have memory problems, the other was a known liar and scammer), Tommy wouldn’t even appreciate what Techno was doing, wouldn’t want Techno to do what he was doing (it was a feeble excuse, just because Tommy wouldn’t like it didn’t make it some obscure attempt at justice).
Then Tommy tried to kill himself.
It… it was stupid, all things considered. Ranboo had asked Techno to keep an eye on Tommy, because the kid had already tried to kill himself. Ranboo had apparently been the only one sensible enough to keep an eye on the kid, but after a month of Tommy not showing a sign of getting better and with Ranboo apparently having to keep an eye on Tubbo as well for some reason (Techno wasn’t going to pry, he might have a secret soft spot for Tommy, but that did not extend to Tommy’s friends), Ranboo had caved and asked for help. It was stupid… not Ranboo asking for help, not Tommy being suicidal, but Techno’s… dismissal of it all.
He had agreed to help. He had watched over Tommy for weeks without noticing anything different with the teen and… it’s not that he hadn’t believed Ranboo, he just knows how easy it is to fool the boy with memory problems, he knows how much fun Tommy has while swindling people (he ignores the thought that says Tommy wouldn’t joke about suicide, he had thought Tommy would never betray him and look where that had landed them). He relaxes his vigil around Tommy, not enough to betray Ranboo’s trust, not enough that Tommy could pull whatever scheme he was probably trying to pull and not enough that Tommy would be able to kill himself if he was in actual fact suicidal, but lax enough that there was an attempt.
He had left Tommy alone for a minute. A second was all it took for a blade to pierce flesh; it usually took minutes to bleed to death from a single wound (it’s why you go for multiple stab wounds or a strike that can’t be recovered from like decapitation). He had returned to Tommy’s side to see his chests in disarray and a sense of self-righteousness, a sense of pride at being right about Tommy, that instantly shrivelled up and died at the sight of Tommy.
Tommy was curled up in the middle of the room, tears covering his cheeks (and blood, blood covered Tommy’s hands and Tommy must have tried to wipe his tears away at one point because his face was covered in that same blood), an arrow thrust in his chest. The arrowhead had fully pierced his flesh but was stuck without the pressure of a bow to force it any further. Tommy fruitlessly tried to push the arrow further, hand slipping around the arrow’s shaft due to the blood sliding down it and-
“What the hell, Tommy?” Techno had yelled, charging over to the kid’s side.
Tommy had looked up. Wet blue eyes wide and panicked and-
He pulled the arrow free from his chest. Blood falling freely now that there was nothing in its way and-
Techno had taught Tommy that... Techno had taught Tommy that...
Despite rumours to the contrary, Techno and Tommy were in no way related to Phil and Wilbur, but the four of them had known each other for years. They had on occasion, when the situation called for it, lived together, so Techno had on occasion taught Tommy how to fight. Taught Tommy how to win. Had explained to Tommy that even if a wound wasn’t immediately fatal a person could still bleed to death eventually, so he should never leave his weapon in an enemy’s soon to be corpse. Tommy… Tommy was using that information to… try and kill himself…
Techno instantly put pressure on the wound and when Tommy tried to struggle away, he crushed the kid to his side. Forced the kid to walk with him as he walked over to a different set of chests, looking for, looking for-
Potions!
He finds them (his chests are an unorganised mess and he’s never hated himself more for it than in this moment where it's vital) and forces a regeneration potion down Tommy’s throat. The kid tries to spit it out, tries to fight against him and Techno has to shove his hand against Tommy’s mouth and nose to force Tommy to swallow it. Techno’s almost afraid Tommy will suffocate before drinking the potion, but at the last second Tommy swallows the potion weakly and Techno lets his mouth free, allowing Tommy to take large gulping mouthfuls of air (Techno wishes the desperate way Tommy is drinking in air meant Tommy was happy to be alive, but Techno sadly knows it’s just a natural human reaction; the body will naturally fight against death even if the mind doesn’t want it to).
With the knowledge that the potion would start taking effect, Techno had taken his hand away from Tommy’s wound (his hand is covered in Tommy’s blood, but Chat does not cheer). The bleeding is slowing down and Techno knows the wound would close up in a minute or two, but he still pulls Tommy’s shirt off to clean the wound (Tommy doesn’t complain like he usually would).
He observes the wound as he cleans, it’s a centimetre deep cut that slips between the fourth and fifth rib (Techno had taught Tommy that as well, told him that it wasn’t best to aim directly for the heart because of all the bone and muscle that gets in the way, but if he had to aim at one of the body’s most sensitive organs it was between the fourth and fifth rib). It didn’t reach the heart. It could have if Tommy had a better angle, if Tommy had more time, if Tommy had more strength.
“Why?” Techno had found himself asking, as he watched the wound carefully close up, not really sure what he was asking.
“I had to try,” Tommy says, and God had Tommy tried. Again, and again and again.
Techno honestly can’t say which attempt was the worst. The first one where he was forced to realise this was all very, very real or the increasingly desperate attempts Tommy had made.
There was the attempt in the Nether. Tommy had wanted to see Tubbo and where Techno didn’t want to be anywhere near the ex-President it was the first thing Tommy had asked for in weeks so he agreed and escorted Tommy to Snowchester… or well that had been the plan. As soon as they entered the Nether, Tommy made a mad dash towards the lava, throwing himself over the edge and Techno had to jump in after, throwing fire resist potions on the both of them (Techno wouldn’t deny any of Tommy’s requests to explore, if he had made any since then, but he made sure to hold Tommy’s hand in a near bone crushing grip every time they needed to travel through the Nether. As soon as the Nether portal came into view, Techno would grab Tommy's hand, afraid the kid would use the moment of teleportation to escape Techno's vigil and kill himself before Techno caught up. Periodically throughout their journey through the lava infested land, he'd squeeze Tommy's hand… he's still not sure which of the two of them it was meant to be comforting for).
There was that time when Wilbur had visited and Techno was hoping for a sympathetic ear for Tommy to talk to (Wilbur and Tommy had always been closer to each other than they had been with Techno), only… Wilbur didn't believe Tommy was actually suicidal (and Techno couldn't be angry about that, Techno was just as guilty of not believing him). Wilbur was forced (like Techno was) to realise the truth of the situation when he had distracted Techno long enough for Tommy to make another attempt. The window of Techno's bedroom had been flung open and Tommy had thrown himself out of the three-story house. Tommy had only broken his leg, but it could have been so much worse if a snowstorm hadn't picked up just the night prior (Techno proceeded to nail every window in his house shut tight, right after he dropped a shocked Wilbur off with Phil and force-fed Tommy more potions, the windows wouldn’t even budge under Techno's strength. Only tools would pry them open, tools Tommy didn't have on hand. And if Techno couldn't enjoy opening his window every morning, it was worth it if his house was even a little bit safer).
Then there was the time Tommy had almost blown his whole house up. Even when Techno hadn’t fully believed Tommy was suicidal, he’d gone through the motions of making it appear that he did. He had reorganised his chests, so no weapons were on display (a painstakingly long task that at the time had made him grumble about Ranboo appreciating their friendship), the chests had been more desperately organised after Tommy had used an arrow to try and kill himself (he frantically questioned Chat over the dangerousness of each item as he hid the ones dubbed risky either at Phil’s house of in his Ender Chest. Not even string or seemingly harmless potion ingredients were left behind). But… well… the chest that had housed the gunpowder must have had enough granules left behind to cause a small explosion, because Tommy somehow had that chest blown up (Techno couldn’t even make a joke about his property’s value as he tended to the burn wounds along Tommy’s hands).
That wasn’t even the worst time. The worst time… was when… Tommy had… He had… Tried to use Techno’s own cape to hang himself. Techno’s cape is long and thick, it’s a warm item that brings comfort. He’s used to wrapping Tommy up in his cape to keep the kid safe (he’d had done so numerous times after exile, had even gifted Tommy one of his old capes, to keep the chill of winter at bay). He hadn’t expected Tommy to use the item he wrapped around him to keep him warm and comfortable to kill himself with and… if Techno hadn’t caught him in time, it would have worked (Techno’s choked enough people out with his cape to know it’s a viable tactic, he doesn’t think he could ever do it again though… not after watching Tommy’s distressed face slowly changing colour and-). If Techno had been even a second slower, he could have lost Tommy so many times over the couple of months he’s been watching over him.
Tommy had purposefully tried antagonising Steve so the polar bear would mull him to death (and Steve would have if Techno hadn’t gotten in the way). Tommy would have bled to death from cuts he inflicted on himself from a smashed potion bottle (Tommy tried physically fighting Techno that time, desperate to bleed out before Techno could force a healing potion on him). Tommy would have tried starving himself if it wasn’t for the addictive nature of golden apples (Techno had tried stopping Tommy’s addiction back when he was staying with him after exile, he’s almost glad he had failed at the time. It wasn’t healthy relying on golden apples for nutrients and energy, but it was better than being dead).
Tommy had tried to kill himself so many times and Techno didn’t know what to do other than disrupt Tommy’s attempts. He had tried to get Tommy to take part in things he used to enjoy, tried getting Tommy to spend time with friends and he’d do it, but… there wasn’t much joy to it. Only a calculative look, one Techno used to associate with mindless pranks but now associated with death attempts. But… well there wasn’t much else he could do. All he could do was observe, prevent and try.
It’s why he’s spent the last couple of months child proofing his house.
It’s why he’s spent the last couple of months taking Tommy on trips, even if it means being constantly vigilant.
It’s why he’s spent the last couple of months just talking to Tommy, even when the kid doesn’t reply, even when the kid seems to be disassociating with the world.
He keeps trying. He just needs… something. Some sign that Tommy isn’t beyond hope (hell he’d take another betrayal over Tommy trying to end his life again).
“What potions are you even making?” Tommy asks, bringing Techno away from his panicked thoughts (he really can’t risk getting caught up in them like that, not anymore), and Techno knows he isn’t asking out of curiosity, nor is the desire to ask due to anxiety over the long silence. Tommy’s asking, because he wants to know how high a chance, he’ll have of killing himself this day.
Still…
“Fire resistant, regen, maybe some swiftness and slow falling,” Techno answers dutifully. He can’t risk not answering, can’t risk Tommy slipping further and further away from being himself. If he has to answer questions it would probably be better he doesn’t answer, then so be it. It was better than ignoring Tommy, to treat him as anything less than a person, to treat him as someone without thoughts and feelings. Speaking… speaking was good. Speaking meant that eventually Tommy would open up and talk, or he would eventually crack and scream his heart out (at this point Techno would take whatever he could get).
“So, we’re going to the Nether?” Tommy questions, and Techno would take one question as a win any day, so multiple questions felt like an, undeserved, victory (some days Tommy just stares at him, eyes hollow in a way Tommy’s eyes never should be, some days Techno wonders if he’s being cruel forcing a kid that doesn’t want to live any longer to carry on surviving. He… he can’t allow himself to get too caught up in his own thoughts, it’s not healthy… it’s exactly why he almost cheers every time Tommy speaks, even a second out of his thoughts is better than remaining trapped in them).
“Yeah, could use a little more gold,” Techno answers honestly. He has been nothing but honest with Tommy since he witnessed the first attempt Tommy made against his life, honesty was surely the way to regain trust and trust means he’ll be able to help more.
"I'm eating you out of house and home, eh?" Tommy asks, voice dragging through those cynical and self-deprecating tones. Techno wishes Tommy knew how to be nothing other than loud and boisterous, the headaches would be a blessing compared to this.
"No," Techno answers and it's an honest answer (he needs to be as honest as he possibly can). "We've still got plenty of golden apples, about a chest full, but I imagine we're gonna need more. Never can be too prepared."
The unspoken you'll be here for however long you need, and you'll be safe, goes unsaid, but… Tommy hears it. Techno can see as Tommy acknowledges it and… maybe Tommy won't feel like it's safe and home and happiness, not right now, but maybe one day he'll be glad Techno didn't give up.
"Ok," Tommy acknowledges, staring back off into space. His hand absentmindedly stroked Baba's fur. The bear is happy enough with the attention and-
Techno goes back to brewing. Goes back to preparing and planning.
He's fine helping Tommy on his own right now, and he doesn't really trust anyone else with Tommy. Techno is one of the strongest people around, has some of the quickest reaction times, and even he has almost failed to catch Tommy in time to save him. There's a reason Ranboo came to Techno instead of Phil or anyone else. Right now, Techno is the only one that can physically stop Tommy from ending it all, but that can't be sustainable long term. He'll need help getting Tommy back to himself mentally.
Ranboo and Tubbo already do the best they can. They have things going on themselves, so they're only able to spend a few days a week at Tommy's side, but even that is more than anyone should expect from them. Phil is still dealing with Wilbur and his revival, but both have expressed a want to help Tommy, just… they have to make sure both Wilbur and Tommy won't be disruptive of each other's healing. They're both depressed, with suicidal tendencies, they have to make sure they won't hurt each other before they can stay together. There's a therapist around now as well, Techno's heard, that's something to maybe look into, but… For now…
For now, Techno finished brewing. For now, Techno carefully cleans up, not leaving anything potentially dangerous about. For now, Techno wraps both himself and Tommy up warmly to survive the cold (even if seeing his cape on Tommy is now horrifying instead of endearing, the kid needs it to stay warm). For now, Techno holds Tommy's hand firmly as they trek across the snow and enter the Nether. For now, Techno makes sure Tommy stays hydrated and cool as they explore hand in hand. For now, Techno collects gold ore so he can make Tommy a large reserve of golden apples. For now, he keeps Tommy as safe and as alive as he possibly can, because later… Later Tommy will be happy to still be around, later Tommy will be laughing and howling out insults without a single care, later things will be fine. They have to be.