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The first time it happens, it’s to Zoro and Luffy and the rest of them don’t even realize what’s going on until the pair comes running towards the ship in full wedding regalia while shouting incomprehensibly. Zoro is wearing a wedding dress.
The Straw Hats stare for one long, silent moment. And then Sanji bursts out laughing.
“What?!” Usopp shrieks, eyes bulging. Chopper clings to his leg, looking terrified.
By then, being incredibly fast monsters, Zoro and Luffy are closer to the ship. The crew can just about understand their unintelligible yelling.
“Aaaaah!” says Luffy, one hand on his hat to keep it from being blown away, and looking very strange dressed in a surprisingly well-fitting suit.
“Start sailing!” yells Zoro, his speed apparently completely unhindered by the puffy skirt of the wedding dress.
“What?!” shrieks Nami, gripping her clima-tact as if her life depends on it. Sanji is still laughing, but has apparently gone silent from the lack of air.
“Start sailing, you damn witch!” Zoro yells once again. The look on his face can generously be described as deranged. “They’re going to catch up soon!”
At the threat of some kind of unknown enemy, scary enough to send their biggest monsters running, most of the Straw Hats manage to compose themselves enough to get to work. They leave Sanji sprawled on the deck, laughing silently, as they unfurl the sails and prepare Merry for setting off. Zoro and Luffy clamber over the railing before anyone can even throw down the ladder and collapse beside the cook once they’re safe.
“Go!” Zoro says, just as a large mob breaks off from the jungle and spills onto the beach. Merry lurches on the waves as the sails catch the wind, and they’re off just in time to avoid the first desperate island native from throwing himself against the hull.
“You’re lucky the log pose had enough time to set,” Nami grumbles, hands on her hips. “What the hell happened there?!”
“We got married!” Luffy exclaims, arms up in the air and lips stretched into a grin.
Sanji’s laughter stops as he chokes on his cigarette.
“What?!” Usopp shrieks once again.
“Oh, no, Sanji is going to die! Somebody call a doctor!”
“You’re the doctor!”
“Congratulations,” says Robin, completely unperturbed. “I wasn’t aware Captain-san and Swordsman-san are in that kind of relationship but I support you wholeheartedly.”
“You’re just going to accept it?!” Usopp yells, arms flailing. “Hey, Luffy, what do you mean you got married? Why are you married? Why are you married to Zoro?”
“They offered us meat!”
The rest of them pause for a moment, allowing the silence to fill the ship, interrupted only by Sanji coughing out a lung while Chopper fusses over him.
“Yeah, that makes sense,” Usopp concludes. “But what about you, Zoro?”
Zoro drags himself into a sitting position and shrugs. “Luffy wanted it,” he says, as if that’s enough of an explanation. For Zoro, it probably is.
“Wait!” Nami says, lifting up her arms in a universal sign to stop. “You got married for meat? How does that work?”
“Shishishi!” Luffy laughs. “They had a big party, but they said we couldn’t eat unless we’re married. So, Zoro and me got married!”
The crew collectively looks at Zoro, waiting for translation.
“Apparently, the natives hold an annual feast for married couples and nobody else gets to eat. But Luffy was hungry, so we got married for free food.”
“Wait, wait,” Sanji coughs out, still doubled over. “If there’s a feast, how come Luffy ran for the ship?”
There’s a moment of uncomfortable silence, during which Zoro avoids everyone’s eyes and Luffy stares at the sky absentmindedly.
Robin smiles, and it looks very, very, gentle. “Swordsman-san? Is there something wrong?”
“No,” Zoro says, unconvincingly.
“Captain-san?”
“Shishishi!” Luffy grins, unashamed. “They started chasing us because we didn’t want to have sex. They didn’t even let us eat first!”
Sanji starts choking again, this time on thin air.
“I see,” Robin says.
“Well, I don’t!” Usopp interrupts, cheeks flaming red. “How would they even know–“ He interrupts himself and glances at Zoro’s horrified expression. “No.”
“They wanted us to have sex in front of people,” Luffy says, wrinkling his nose. “Which is gross. Sex is gross. So I said I didn’t wanna, and they started chasing us.”
“There are cultures where consummation must be performed publicly,” Robin says, “but I wasn’t aware we have visited one of them. Interesting.”
“No, stop here, wait!” Nami says, once again. “Luffy, are you saying you had the problem with the sex thing? And not the public part?”
“Yep,” Luffy says, one finger up his nose.
Nami stares at his uncomprehending face. She glances at Zoro, who looks faintly mortified, but manages to glower at everyone on the ship anyway. The effect is kind of ruined by the fact that he’s still wearing the wedding dress.
“I give up,” Nami declares, turns on her heel and strides towards the women’s quarters.
“Hey, hey, Luffy,” Usopp says. “Did you get a marriage certificate?”
Apparently, they did. And apparently, Luffy stuffed it down his pants for safekeeping, because Nami is particular about receipts and a marriage certificate is basically ‘a receipt, but for people, right?’.
Usopp frames it and hangs it up in the galley.
…
“Nami-swan!” Sanji wails. “Nooo!”
“Quiet, Sanji-kun!” Nami hisses from the corner of her mouth, even as she aims a sickeningly sweet smile at her groom. Usopp looks like he’s going to faint any minute now. “Don’t draw too much attention.”
“Aren’t we… aren’t we supposed to draw all the attention?” Usopp asks nervously, even though he’s almost cowering under Nami’s gaze. “We’re the diversion, right?”
“Shut up, you bastard,” says Sanji, his demeanor completely changing. “When this is over, I’ll kill you.”
Usopp whimpers.
“Yes, we’re drawing attention,” Nami interrupts. “But we can’t let them know this is a fake wedding. If they figure it out, Robin and the rest will never get the treasure!”
“This is fake?” Luffy chimes in, from where he is completely wrapped around Sanji to stop him from killing Usopp or throwing himself at Nami’s feet and begging her to marry him. “I thought this is legal.”
“Yes, it is.” Nami tucks a lock of hair behind her ear and looks over the gathered crowd. The whole town is here – on this island, everyone attends every wedding – and that means the treasury is going to be completely unguarded. “But it’s like you and Zoro, remember? You’re not really married either.”
“Yes, we are,” Luffy says. “We even got a receipt!”
“A marriage certificate,” Usopp murmurs under his breath.
“Well, Usopp and I are going to get the marriage certificate too, but that doesn’t mean we’ll be really married.”
“Nooo,” Sanji wails once again. “Nami-swan, why wasn’t I chosen to marry your beautiful, voluptuous self?!”
“Because you have to cook us a feast afterwards. Captain’s orders,” Nami says ruthlessly.
“Luffy, when this is over, I’m going to kill you too.”
“Sure!” Luffy chirps cheerfully. “We can fight after the feast!”
…
“This is fascinating,” Robin says, observing the festivities. “The natives seem to have quite extensive wedding traditions. It is truly a shame we managed to catch only the tail end of the celebration.”
“I heard someone say the feast is magnificent,” Sanji says musingly around a cigarette.
“Meat!” is Luffy’s contribution to the debate.
“Yes, that is all very interesting,” Robin says, smiling. “But I’m referring to the entertainment. It appears local weddings must be accompanied by recitations of epic poetry and historical reenactment of important events. I would have loved to see it.”
Nami shrugs, absently eying up all the expensive jewelry decorating the party-goers. “Just get married to someone and you’ll get to see all of it from the best place in the crowd.”
There’s a long, silent pause around the crew as they eye each other.
“An excellent idea, Navigator-san!” Robin says. “Who would like to marry me?”
Sanji practically trips over himself as he lurches towards Robin, landing on one knee in front of her. He’s somehow procured a red rose, and is offering it grandly even as he clenches one of Robin’s palms in his hand. “Robin-chan! I would be honored if you would take me as your husband!”
“Robin?” Chopper says shyly, peering up at her from where he’s clutching at her leg. “Can I marry you? I’ve never been married to anybody.”
“I’ve never been married either, Robin-chwan!”
“Sure, Chopper.” Robin smiles gently, and completely ignores Sanji in favor of hefting Chopper up in her arms. “It will be fun.”
“Yow!” says Franky, striking up a pose. “Nico Robin, I will marry you and Chopper too. It’ll be a super party!”
“Very well,” Robin says. “The three of us, then?” Turning to Luffy, she chuckles. “Captain, we’ll have another marriage certificate for your collection soon.”
“Yosh!” Luffy exclaims. “A party! A feast! Sanji, food!”
Sanji collapses on the ground, crying.
…
“What the hell happened last night?” Zoro grumbles, face down on the grassy deck of the Sunny.
A groan is his only answer. The rest of the crew is piled all over each other, every one of them nursing hangovers and paying no attention to the way their limbs are all sprawled together. Only Usopp tries to detangle himself, and even that is because Luffy’s somehow managed to tie his arms around Usopp’s chest.
“Can’t remember,” Franky says. “Haven’t been this super drunk in years. Man, that was a good party!”
“A party?” Luffy’s head pops up from where it’s been stretched two meters away from his body, apparently napping in Robin’s lap. “We had a party?”
“We must have,” Nami groans, miraculously as hungover as the rest of them. “I remember singing and fireworks and… ugh… was there a priest?”
“Yeah,” Usopp says, having untangled Luffy enough to be able to breathe. “There was definitely a priest. I remember, because I set his robes on fire with one of my fire stars.”
“Usopp!” Chopper squeaks. “Why would you do that?!”
“I don’t know!” Usopp wails and is immediately shushed by half the crew. “I don’t remember. I was drunk.”
“Why didn’t you spout some of your lies like usual, then?” Sanji asks from somewhere near the mast. He’s covered his head with his suit jacket, so the only visible part of him is his yellow hair.
“There was a wedding,” Robin chimes in to stop the argument.
“Again?!” Zoro grumbles. “Who was it this time? I bet it was the damn cook.”
“I bet it was the shitty marimo,” Sanji responds predictably, though his voice softens as he switches his attention to the women on the crew. “But if I was married to wonderful Nami-swan or Robin-chwan, I wouldn’t mind being wrong.”
“I don’t remember,” Robin says. “But it wasn’t me.”
“Oh,” Chopper says. “There’s a paper here. I think it’s the marriage certificate.”
“Give me that.” Nami snatches it from his hands and starts reading. Then she stifles a snicker.
“What?” Luffy asks.
Nami snickers some more. Then she doubles over in full-blown laughter, almost shrieking. “Oh, this is so good!”
“Let me see it!” Usopp says and peers at the paper over her shoulder. His lips start to twitch. “Good news! Both Sanji and Zoro win the bet!”
The crew looks at each other as the words register. They try not to laugh.
Sanji reacts first. He jumps up, his jacket falling from his face, expression frozen in disgust. “Oh, hell no!”
“It does seem so,” Robin says. She hasn’t moved from her spot, but there’s an additional eye blinking at Usopp’s forehead. “Congratulations. It seems you are husband and husband now.”
Zoro blinks, understanding lighting up his face. “Shit,” he says. “That can’t be right.”
Franky laughs. “Did you have to kiss each other to seal the deal?”
Sanji gags. Zoro’s hand falls onto the hilt of Wado Ichimonji. The crew pays them no mind as their laughter spills merrily over the deck.
“You damn shitty swirly-brow cook!” Zoro roars. “What the hell were you thinking?!”
“What was I thinking!” Sanji roars right back. “What the hell were you thinking, you idiotic, directionally challenged marimo! I was saving my marriage for Nami-swan and Robin-chwan and now you’ve ruined it!”
“Who would even want to be married to you?!”
Zoro draws his sword and Sanji is already on his feet, leg at ready, but the rest of the crew is laughing too hard to really care.
“I bet they kissed!” Nami cackles, and all of them just about keel over.
…
“Yohohoho!” Brook laughs. “This is very unusual!”
“So they think Brook is a god?” Nami asks, trying to parse through the utter lunacy of the newest island.
“As far as I can tell,” Robin answers. “They use a strange dialect of the common language. It is truly fascinating.”
“Never mind that,” Nami waves it off. “Let’s get back to Brook being a god.”
Robin nods regally. “They seem to think his existence can only be explained by divine intervention and consider him a sign from above. They are willing to offer what help and hospitality we require if only we can prove our connection to him.”
“Brook’s our nakama,” Luffy says. “What else is there?”
“Yohohoho, it warms my heart to hear you say that, Luffy-san. Though I don’t have a heart anymore.”
Luffy shrieks with laughter.
“Nevertheless,” Robin interrupts, “the natives here require more tangible proof than bonds of friendship. Blood relation is acceptable and so is marriage.”
There is a moment of silence. And then Zoro groans. “Who’s getting married this time?”
Luffy lifts his hand eagerly. “Oh, me, me! My last wedding was so long ago.”
Brook seems thrilled. “Luffy-san, I’m truly flattered by your enthusiasm. I will make sure our wedding is accompanied by the best possible music.”
“Count me in, too,” Nami adds. When she notices everyone’s incredulous stares, she shrugs. “What? Did you see the clothes they wear here? They’re so cute. They’ll have to give me some if I marry a god.”
“Oh, Nami-san, that is wonderful to hear,” Brook says and leans over. “But if we are soon to be married, may I see your panties?”
“No!” Nami shouts and hits him on the head.
Luffy laughs.
…
“I can’t believe this is happening,” Trafalgar Law says.
“Shut up and get married, Law,” Sanji says from where he’s standing among the doctor’s groomsmen. “It’s your fault anyway.”
“It is not,” Law hisses under his breath.
“Shishishi!” Luffy laughs, his hands clasped in Law’s as the priest drones on in the background. “Torao was the one who did illegal things.”
“How could I have known that messing with corpses is illegal here?!”
“Geez,” Sanji says. “Maybe you shouldn’t mess with corpses anywhere. It’s creepy.”
“I am a doctor,” Law grumbles.
“Chopper’s a doctor too,” Luffy says, face scrunching up in thought. “He never plays with dead bodies, though.”
“It’s not playing–“ Law takes a deep breath as he realizes his words will fall on deaf ears. “It’s a stupid law anyway.”
“Yeah, well,” Sanji says, “because of that stupid law you have to marry Luffy to escape prosecution since we have to stay on this island. You knew it takes two weeks for the log pose to set. You should have broken the law right before we were ready to leave.”
“And what kind of island doesn’t prosecute newlyweds?” Law asks incredulously. “It makes no sense!”
“Doesn’t matter,” Sanji shrugs. “You’re getting married. Nami-san said she doesn’t want to be chased out of the spa resort and you’re not going to ruin her vacation by making her a criminal.”
“Nami-ya is a pirate! She’s already a criminal!”
“You take that back! Nami-san is perfect and–“
“You may kiss the groom,” the priest interrupts, and the look of panic on Law’s face is priceless.
…
“These… marriage certificates,” Jinbe says during the tour of Thousand Sunny. “They are interesting.”
Nami glances at the dozen marriage certificates framed on the wall of the galley and smiles fondly. “Don’t worry, Jinbe-chan, it happens all the time. You’ll be married to someone soon enough.”
Jinbe looks perturbed. “Right.”
…
“– and there is a fifty percent discount for newlyweds in honor of Valentine’s Day,” the inn owner says, smiling. “I don’t suppose any one of you is going to take us up on it?”
The crew looks at each other.
“I call Robin!” Nami reacts first, grabbing Robin’s hand, her eyes lighting up at the thought of spending less money.
“Nami-swan, Robin-chwan, may I join you!?”
“I’m marrying Jinbe,” Luffy says, clambering over their helmsman to perch himself on his shoulder. “I haven’t married Jinbe yet.”
“Yohoho, Franky-san, would you be amenable to marrying me? We could make it a party.”
“Sure, bro,” Franky offers thumbs up. “It’ll be super!”
“Oi, Chopper,” Zoro says. “Come on, we’re going to the chapel.”
“Zoro! That’s the wrong way!”
“Oh. It moved.”
Usopp glances around, before grabbing Sanji and booking it. Sanji won’t get to marry Robin and Nami anyway. “Oi, Brook, Franky, wait for us! We’re joining you!”
Jinbe laughs, and follows the rest of them. It seems he’s getting married.
He wouldn’t have it any other way.