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"Hope" is the thing with feathers -
That perches in the soul -
And sings the tune without the words -
And never stops - at all -
And sweetest - in the gale - is heard -
And sore must be the storm -
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm -
I've heard it in the chillest land -
And on the strangest Sea -
Yet - never - in Extremity,
It asked a crumb - of me.
Hope is a Thing- Emily Dickinson
Ellie Chu is still my girlfriend after ten years together.
Of course, such milestones depend on how you mark such things. At thirty-two, I feel like being in love with Ellie Chu has been the centre of my universe for the last 12 years, but it took us about two years and many books to get our act together. Friends are starting to make the usual noises about marriage and children beyond the rescue cats. 'Ellie and Aster' is almost moniker amongst the group, as the most long-standing couple, which is laugher considering our beginnings. They like to tease us about the wonders of a small-town love story.
"What are you going to mark ten years, Aster. That's a pretty big deal." Sarah, the gallery assistant, asks eagerly.
We are in the middle of planning out the next show. Sarah Samuels is an art lover who adores this job. My role as the curator means that she is unofficially my assistant when it comes to putting the shows together and placing the artworks. She has a particular passion for contemporary landscapes and my relationship with Ellie. My girlfriend is a constant presence in the art scene and makes friends quickly, especially when I take up regular work at the higher level gallery.
"Ellie doesn't like making a big production out of things, much fewer anniversaries. She would kill me if there were flash mobs or public displays. So I'll look for a first edition again. It's challenging finding ones for her collection, but it's fun going on the hunt." I struggle not to feel self-conscious.
"Oh no, you can't do something low key for such a big milestone. The traditional gift is tin or aluminium, symbolising strength and durability." Sarah's mother is a professional wedding planner.
"We are not technically..." I begin almost reflectively.
"As if that matters with you two, hometown sweethearts." Sarah sighs in an inaccurate romance subplot.
"We have a while yet; let's focus on getting the pieces installed, then you can regale me with all sorts of wedding trivia." I promise somewhat reluctantly.
"I would do what says, Sarah. Aster has been trying to hang paintings in her sleep for the last foresight. It's looking great in here guys. " a voice calls from the entryway.
"Ellie! Aster didn't tell me you were visiting." Sarah rushes to throw her arms out.
"Pretend I'm not here for the next few hours, don't rope me in for heavy lifting or aesthetic eye. Everything Aster does is beautiful. Head cheerleader in the wings." Ellie declares with a beaming smile.
"Always happy to have you, Aster's Girl." Sarah declares, pulling Ellie to her customary chair in our office.
Ellie Chu is grinning at both of us, carrying a pile of books and several cups of coffee. The plan is for her to do some writing while waiting for us to finish for the evening. We are taking Edwin out for his birthday; our booking accommodates my frantic work schedule for the last few days. Ellie jokes that she should get me a sleeping pod for the office as an anniversary present. Still, the nature of her work means that Ellie can fit around my schedule.
"Dad is trying to convince us to save money and have some more of Paul's sausages and potatoes at home. He wants an excuse to open another package from the second store, not that they will vary from the legendary Munsky Method. I don't think he adjusted to the fact that we aren't quite starving artists anymore and can spring for a steak night." Ellie holds up her phone affectionately.
My heart clenches watching Ellie sink into her books, forgetting the rest of the world. Not for the first time; I am so relieved that we took the chance all those years ago, even if we don't manage everything official on paper. There are so many milestones between here and our lives in Squahamish. The daughter of a judgemental decan and a depressed immigrant navigate a decade together, facing the challenges of geography, families, long-distance and artistic temperaments, whatever that means.
***
The first year's obstacle is friends and family.
One thing that being the church kid teaches you is a sense of black and white. There are many horror stories of gay teens and the reactions of religious families and towns. There is a reason that Jessie and I bonded so thoroughly over being queer youth. It takes me a while to realise how many shades of conservatism there are, just like LGBT identities. Her family began and stayed firmly in the middle. Of course, it helps that their strange, wayward artistic daughter is miles away.
My mother, sister and school friends do their best to understand in different ways. Then, of course, Trig and his parents move on from the Church Incident. He marries a suitable girl and goes into the family business. Everybody seemed willing to forget when I was on the edge of being a new bride in my father's congregation. Sophia is still struggling to be the little sister in such an uncertain shadow, now that Dad has a permanent post in Squahamish.
"Why now and why her? We have known Ellie Chu for years. You barely said ten words to her before this pen pal/deception drama. Is the girl thing new? Sophia sounds like she is trying hard to figure out the mystery.
"That's on me for not expanding my friendship group and going along with the crowd. If everybody knew how to answer the question, why do we fall in love, The Hallmark Channel would make a lot less money, Soph. It turns out we are both creative types who love books." I point out practically.
Fortunately, these conversations have been infrequent since Ellie and decided to become an official couple. As a result of zero attractions, Squahamish residents become experts in watching their young people leave for the cities. People like Mrs Geselschap actively champion the process. My strange choice of girlfriend is mostly out of sight and mind unless my sister feels like solving a mystery. Then, I can usually divert attention.
"Paul Munsky is defending you guys to anybody that will listen, which is weird, don't you think?" Sophia glares at me intently.
It takes me several weeks to hunt down the first edition for our anniversary. There is no point in looking for something rare and valuable that will end up on Antiques’ Roadshow. The student budget will only stretch so far. Ellie loves to read and write in many genres. So it's about appealing to the budding author and the girl from a small town who longs to escape.
***
The second year's obstacle is geography in all its forms.
In some ways, our relationship has the best training ground for long distances; after all, I fell in love with Ellie through her words. There are benefits to being with a writer, even if she still qualifies that notion every chance she gets. More often than not, Ellie seems long, rambling emails that have me both laughing and crying. Then, of course, she gets that dream job in Iowa, so we start to build plans around our respective career responsibilities. I need to have a solid reputation before I can consider moving or freelancing. We both attend elite colleges, and they demand to allot in their final years.
"I am not going to be able to make it next weekend. This final paper is driving me to distraction." Ellie explains in a rush.
The words aren't unexpected, but it's impossible not to feel the crush of disappointment. Getting our schedules to combine with the holidays is almost impossible. We manage it for Christmas, but the ones in between can be tricky. Ellie works hard to maintain a good grade point average and puts in long hours at work. I want to get angry and frustrated, but the situation could easily be the reverse. So I don't bother to hide the sadness in my voice.
"I am going to miss you." I manage through tears.
"Don't let me stop you, go out and have fun with Darcy and Jessica. They seem like experts in the idea of letting loose." Ellie says encouragingly
"The point of the holiday wasn't to have fun, but to spend time with you, Ellie. If I'm there I'll be the miserable girlfriend, sending you literary texts." I declare with complete honesty.
"Video chat and movie marathon?" Ellie offers with a sad smile.
Our newish relationship involves an endless series of negotiations and disappointments. Both of us worked so hard to get into a university. The demands on our time are only increasing with every semester. However, I wasted time ignoring Ellie and my feelings for women. Therefore we make time to connect when we can; insomnia works in our favour.
One of the advantages of being an artist is that many of your friends are into books and other forms of creativity. So it doesn't take them long to start suggesting titles for Ellie; I spend pleasant weekends looking through bookstores and online stores. Postage to Iowa is something of an art and a science. I have a special packet of wrapping paper for the task.
***
The third year's obstacle is financing.
Ellie Chu may be building a career and a reputation as a writer, but that isn't her dream, not truly. Mrs Geselschap saw her talents were beyond that what our hometown could offer. It takes me years of knowing and loving her to realise that Ellie's true dream is to have a sense of security and safety. In the year and a bit since our graduation and probationary periods in respective jobs, things have been frantic but good. Ellie's role extends to her previous one; they give her plenty of time to write her short stories.
" I was going to take you out and see the town..." Ellie begins but stops when a cough wracks her body.
"There is nowhere I would rather be, Ellie Chu. You are working too hard," I whisper, reaching forward to brush her sweaty forehead.
Ellie Chu is down with a particularly nasty cold and fever. My girlfriend tries to convince me not to come, even though the distance isn't so great anymore. But, when I saw the pile of misery in blankets and tissues, the drive was worth it ten times over. Ellie weakly protests about germs, but I ignore her. How hard she works and the proportion of the wages that go to Edwin are sources of contention between us. Edwin Chu is capable of operating almost full time again.
"We only get to spend a few weekends together, why did I have to get sick now." Ellie groans
"It's hardly a mystery why things are happening now, Ellie. You regularly try and bend the laws of time and space, as you did at home. Only now the schoolwork is harder and you more responsibilities on the job. You don't need to get top marks in adulting right away." I point out while reaching for her water.
"Asian stereotypes, much?" Ellie gasps with a cough.
I have a feeling that this will be an ongoing debate between us. Finally, Ellie drives off to sleep, and I move quietly around the room. There isn't much to tidy up; Ellie keeps everything neat. It makes me smile to see the printouts of Munsky Sausage mock-ups that she must be helping Paul with, complete with logo suggestions. Everything you want to know about Ellie Chu is on display in this tiny room. A photo of us is in prominent display on her desk.
This year I get to give her a gift in person. Ellie wakes up and smiles when she sees the package and bright paper. It becomes something of traditional for her to guess that author or topic.
***
The fourth year's obstacle is moving logistics.
"You did it, Aster. I am so proud of you."
"Thanks, Darling; I couldn't have done it without you."
Ellie comes up behind me and wraps her arms around my waist. We are the last ones in the major studio hosting my first solo exhibition of any note. The last few weeks were a whole new level of stress and preparation. They were still figuring out exactly where the paintings would go, their titles, lighting, insurance the day before opening. Still, it is beyond gratifying to see the sold signs everywhere. Ellie is embarrassing, excited for her, raving about my talent with anybody who will listen. Surprisingly both my mother and sister make the long drive to attend.
"May I speak to both for a second?" Mom asks, trying but entirely succeeding at being casual.
Ellie quickly untangles our embrace, which saddens me, but I understand her reluctance around my family. There is something close to a 'Don't Ask or Tell' rule. But, thankfully, we don't have to confront these problems too often. So it is surprising that mum specifically asks to include Ellie in whatever she has to say. Declan Flores is conspicuous in his absence and everyone else's nervousness. I still straighten to stare at my mother carefully, trying not to find the situation intimidating.
"For a long time, your father and I have been saving money for our daughters. For major life events like the wedding or a house, it isn't much but it might be helpful when you are looking for a place together." Mum sounds genuinely nervous.
"Did Ellie finally pass the test after so many years? Is Dad still referring to her as my friend, roommate and friend?" my words are whispered but still angry.
"Aster...don't start now, we have had such a lovely evening at your show." Mom pleads, holding out the envelope.
"Thank you Mrs Flores, that is very generous of you." Ellie replies quietly.
It makes me angry to know that this wouldn't even be a question if Ellie was a man, even if he was the son of an immigrant family. It's taken them years to reconcile to the idea that our relationship isn't anything more than a passing phase. But, on the other hand, Ellie is unfailingly respectful to them as both a former member of the church and my parents. Even now, she is smiling and waiting for further information. Her strength and calmness give me the courage to stand still.
After such a long time apart, I adore living together with Ellie; we make the place our own, complete with photos and pictures. Ellie wants to make a shrine to my work, but there are limits to such things. It takes some creativity to hide her book for the year. I end up placing it at the highest shelf on our bookshelf.
***
The fifth year's obstacle is family obligations.
"I think we should invite your father to live with us or at least stay longer term."
Ellie looks up from the bowl of noodles she greedily eating. I love how she still cooks many of the same meals, using the supplies Paul ships us from the butchers. My chopstick game still needs work, but things are almost respectable now. Ellie looks somewhere between shocked and uncertain, but she knows better than to stop me before hearing me out. We have been circling for weeks. Edwin Chu is in good health, but he isn't getting any younger. The pressure of his depression years left their marks.
"Loving you is was always something of a package deal. Your love and devotion to Edwin would be the thing that everybody in Squahamish knows about Ellie Chu, even if they didn't understand it out the time. While he is there and you are here, your heart always needs to stretch those extra miles." I explain, keeping my voice as light as possible.
"Aster, you don't need to do that for me....we need an extra room." Ellie begins hesitantly.
"Ellie, I want to build a life with you that includes Edwin. I love you; therefore, when you worry about him, it affects me too. But we can make things work, even if he splits time." I offer beseechingly.
"Okay, I'll raise it with him, no guarantees." Ellie warns dubiously
This year I made an effort to buy a book in Mandarin, which could appeal to both father and daughter. It takes a long time, but the ultimate result is worthwhile when Edwin reads aloud in the evening. We become a unit of three with relative ease. Of course, intergenerational living is far from easy, but Ellie's happiness makes the minor squabbles worth it. Edwin doesn't make any comments about our relationship and displays affection.
***
The sixth year's obstacle is professional pressures.
Ellie has her second book detail, and the writing progress is going slowly. However, there is consistent pressure to follow up with another bestseller. Living with a writer full-time gives more than a few insights into how difficult the creative process can be, especially when deadlines loom. Ellie Chu is in an awkward place in her career. She is famous enough to have buzz and expectations, but not so notable that she gets help from the big publishing houses. All I can do is be there as a partner.
"You need to come back to bed, Ellie. The words won't make any more sense after the eighth hour, Darling." I come up to stand behind her.
Ellie's shoulders are rigid and tense, they flinch under my touch, but I persist in my gentle massage. Ellie leans back when there are loud cracks and pops. She removes her glasses with a faint groan and leans down to capture her scowling lips. Ellie seems like she wants to protest, but the tenderness between us starts to ease her stress.
"Have I mentioned recently that I love you, Miss Flores?" Ellie asks softly.
"Not recently and it never gets old." I say, leaning down to capture her lips.
Elle's book for this year is a collection of LGBT's women's poetry and anthology, and we take turns reading to each other. Ellie is sentimental enough to have special bookmarks for each of them; they come from her cousin who has an Esty's store.
***
The seventh year's obstacle is loss and gains.
My baby sister is getting married to the perfect son in law, and I am grieving the notion. Our family isn't as close as we once were, but that doesn't mean that I hate the idea of change. On the contrary, my sister is my strongest ally when reintroducing their parents to Ellie as my long term partner. I am in Squahamish for the bridesmaid's dress and visiting friends. Ellie is going to come down for the ceremony and reception. My future brother in law seems like a lovely man.
"When I am going to be able to return the favour, stand up for with you and Ellie?" Sophia asks while eying herself critically.
We are standing in front of the floor-length mirrors, so my shock is clear for my sister to see. We are alone for the moment, but our mom and aunt will be coming back shortly. The rest of the family more or less accepts my long-standing relationship with Ellie. She comes with me on almost all occasions. However, everyone is careful to avoid using formal terms like marriage or commitment ceremony.
"Don't look at me like that; we aren't all backwards even without the fancy colleague in the city. You and Ellie are practically married in every way that counts." Sophia insists firmly.
"Not according to the rules of Dad's church and most of his friends." I can't help but point out.
“He is getting there Aster, give him time to find his barrings.” Sophia pleads not for the first time.
Our father's obvious love of his future son- in law remains a sore point. Deacon Floras will always struggle with the fact his daughter is in a same-sex relationship. He may like Ellie as a person, but this is far from the life that was one in my future. The humiliating of that drama in the church is not something he can easily forget or forgive. Nevertheless, Ellie is making incremental progress each year.
Ellie makes something of a game to look for her gift each year. Even though there are only so many places to hide a book, especially in this house, it becomes something of a fun scavenger hunt and game between us. We are each developing a personal library and find other additions for both an artist and an author. So it becomes a highlight of my year to fit a book that marks our anniversary.
***
The eighth year's obstacle is a combination of pain and fear.
Edwin Chu is the centre of his daughter's universe. Whatever happens in our future, I would never deny the importance of that relationship. Living with the two of them up close reinforces that notion. Edwin is moving beyond his grief slowly but with ongoing progress. He collapses in the kitchen while cooking dinner; luckily, both are home and just in the next room. Seeing him lying on the floor is one of the most frightening moments in my life. Ellie starts to cry, babbling in both English and Mandarin.
One thing about being a deacon kid is that we learnt plenty of first aid and extra-curricular activities. So while I haven't done the certification for this year, I'm still relatively up to date enough to keep Ellie calm. Fortunately, we live close enough to emergency services that paramedics are there in less than ten minutes. Unfortunately, Ellie looks dangerously close to shock, and it's up to me to carefully recount his medical history and medication.
"What am I going to do without him?" Ellie whispers as we ride in the ambulance.
"You don't know what's going on yet. Your Dad is strong and healthy. The Munsky food is keeping him in fighting shape. Don't panic yet, Sweetheart."
"Too late." Ellie grips my hand painfully tight
It turns out Edwin needs to adjust his medication and perhaps cut down on Munsky sausages for a while. However, the doctor has family from his province, so they get on well, and I think Edwin will obey instructions. Paul is the first one to ring and check in when we get back from the hospital. The two chat for hours in their odd way, which has lasted for years.
I ended up reading out loud to Ellie from my book selection this year. Mainly because I didn't have time to wrap it and because she clings to me for comfort. Ellie isn't truly paying attention to the words or even the topic. Instead, the familiarity of the action keeps the worse of her nightmares at bay. My voice is hoarse, and my eyes weary by the time she falls into a fitful sleep.
***
The ninth year's obstacle is insecurity and emotional fatigue.
In our respective circles, Ellie and I have thriving careers with multiple and competing obligations. We were no longer two poor girls from a tiny hometown. Our house on the edge of town is the centre of a fairly impressive social life. At almost 30, Aster Flores and Ellie Chu are part of a joint universe rather than opposite ends. I have a small studio above the garage, and Ellie has the spare room as an office. We haven't had a serious conversation about having children yet, but there is plenty of space if to become a reality. Edwin finds companionship with the leader of his favourite Thai Chi instructor, but he is still such a welcoming presence in this home.
"Stella seems to enjoy being your student, she is your biggest fan on social media. You made her life by offering to collaborate on that project together, complete with tags and hashtags. " Ellie doesn't do a good job of hiding her jealousy.
I am in the middle of preparing another canvas in my home studio. Collaborations with younger artists are fairly frequent now. I have the luxury of choosing most of my projects. Ellie is leaning against the doorframe; as far as I'm aware, we are having a casual debrief about the day. Ellie is getting better at keeping her hours regular, but she will always find solace in financial security. If she didn't have her Dad to consider, Miss Chu would delight in finding side hustles like the letter writing in high school.
"What are you talking about, Darling?" I keep my attention on applying the layers.
"I think you should be careful with the fandom you create and generate. 'Aster Flores' is not the same girl that left our hometown." Ellie warns, a tremble in her voice.
"That's not true..." I begin to protest
When I look at Ellie, I see real doubt and insecurity in her gaze. This emotion stops me from making a crack about how unappealing I find the notion. Instead, I reach out and pull Ellie into a hug, ignoring the fact that she is her best work clothes, and I am in the rags I used to paint with, complete with the stains. Ellie resists, but it only takes her a few moments to relax. Occasionally, she still feels the effects of being the town outcast, especially with me having our the more visible of our careers.
"I love you, Ellie. My worse day with you is still worth a hundred eager students, any day. I'm sorry if these last few weeks gave you any reason to doubt that, Darling." I whisper against her hair.
Ellie insists on finding the perfect bookshelf to display her gifts throughout the years. Unfortunately, the first, second and third editions are far from perfect, nor are they the kind that book collectors covet behind glass. Nevertheless, Ellie still treasures them and reads them carefully in the reading chair. My gift for this year is a set of the books we discussed during her time pretending to be Paul. Those were bad times, but the conversations were meaningful.
***
"Edwin, may I talk to you about something?"
My Mandarin isn't half bad after years of conscious effort and study; I'm far too nervous right now to even attempt it. Edwin Chu is in the kitchen putting together the finishing touches on the meal for the night. Our little family unit of three eats together at least once a week. It seems that the older man has more of a social life than we do, meeting the local Chinese and Thi Chi community. So I have to pick my time carefully to catch him when we are likely to be alone.
"Of course Aster, what can I do for you?" Edwin asks formally without looking up from the dumplings.
As unusual, he is going to let me do all the talking. Edwin Chu will never be a talkative man. I've learned in the last years that he is an active listener but struggles with conversations in either language. His debilitating grief, depression and dependency on Ellie may be lifting, but that doesn't mean he is fundamentally a different person. There is a reason that being a conductor in Squahamish suits him so well. As a retiree supporting the local Asian American Association, his life is more social but has many similar systematic qualities.
"I would like to ask your permission to ask Ellie to marry me, mark our ten years together." the handful of words never felt so meaningful and scary.
Edwin doesn't answer; instead, he focuses on the dumplings, waiting for them to crisp. Finally, he shifts them onto a tray, scrutinising the edges, following his high standards. Once the home chief is happy, they end up in the oven to warm, waiting for Ellie to get home from the writer's workshop. He moves slowly into the lounge; I follow along for lack of anything else to do; Edwin sinks into the recleaner that Ellie spent hours debating, with the excellent foot support. Today he sits up straight, giving me his full attention.
"We came to this country, so there was the opportunity for our children to reach for greater things than we could imagine. Ellie held this dream together while I fell apart and lost myself in grief; there are limits to a father's authority, especially if I can only claim the title in the last few years." Edwin keeps his gaze straight ahead.
"Edwin.." I start nervously
"I cannot pretend to know all the language of pride or acceptance that they talk about on the news. The accept that is asked of parents with their child's difference. English is hard enough without all these new terms. The Mandarin taught to me as a boy struggles to acknowledge such things, at least not well. However, I do know that you look at my daughter the way I did her mother. Being with you is Ellie's dream; ten years of joint book dedication is enough to prove that fact, yes?" Edwin smiles at me proudly.
I fight the urge to blink back tears of both sadness and pride. This speech is by far the most Edwin has spoken to me in all the time we have known each other, both us strangers and family. I fight the impulse to reach over and hug him, knowing that such demonstrative shows of affection will make him uncomfortable. Instead, I settle for grasping his hand softly and struggling to smile. The sad thing is I know that the same conversation with my father would not go as smoothly. Edwin Chu is profoundly brave to challenge such conventions.
"Hey you two, is everything okay?" a familiar voice calls out.
Edwin and I exchange a brief look before standing up to meet Ellie in the doorway. He gives me a complete dictionary of encouragement within non-verbal communication, even a solid shove. Ellie looks tired after a long day of teaching and writing drafts. Still, she has enough energy to find the scene suspicious. My love hates surprises, and she can usually count on us to be upfront. Edwin starts moving towards the kitchen and taking out the dinner. Ellie gives me a curious look, but I smile before leaning to kiss her cheek. We settle down for a quiet meal, and Edwin insists on doing the dishes.
"Happy 10th Anniversary, Ellie." I say, handing over the package I agonised over.
"It's not our anniversary, we officially got together four weeks ago, but I'll give it to you. Communication wasn't our strong point at the time," Ellie teases while presenting a gift to me.
Ellie grins with anticipation at the idea of a book to add to her collection and our late-night discussions. The wrapping has almost the same dimensions and weight. Ellie unwraps the paper; her fugal nature insists she saves it for Christmas. Ellie blinks in surprise when she covers an artist’s notebook with no clear title or identifiers. It looks the same as the ones from my school days. She carefully opens it and flips through each image that is there. Ellie's brow frowns with the concentration of somebody who lives with an artist.
"If I had my way, my every exhibition would centre around you. I know that idea makes you uncomfortable, so this is the next best thing, a collection that is for you, and reflect how you inspire my art. There something on the back page." I explain.
Ellie looks at me and smiles broadly before turning her attention back to the paintings. But, of course, my lover won't skip over them to get to the end of the mystery. Paper isn't my preferred medium, too thin. But Sarah helps me to treat them so it will keep the paint well enough. There is a range of images in their, portraits of Ellie, landscapes from home, abstracts that represent the artists we talk about; my personal favourite is one of Ellie in the phonebooth in the rain. In different ways, they represent our life together.
"To Ellie, who inspires every stroke. Will you be the honour of being my wife?" the words take up the entire last page, even though calligraphy isn't my strongest suit.
Ellie's hand trembles, but she manages to put the book down carefully before turning to face me. Her eyes shine with tears, but she is smiling, and she sweeps me into a hug that is bone-crushing. We stay in that embrace for a long moment. Then, I see Edwin hiding a smile over Ellie's shoulder.