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Zuko looked up at the stars.
It had taken him a bit more effort that it used to when he was younger, but he had climbed up to the highest point of the palace so he could see the night sky at its brightest. He remembered when he was a child, laughing and giggling all the way up to the top with Azula, enjoying how the quiet nighttime seemed to give his sister back to him. How they would wait for the palace to fall asleep and they would try finding new ways to make it to the roof without falling or asking for help. He also remembered when she had attempted to push him off after a bad day with their father. He laughed softly at that little girl’s anger. It seemed so small now compared to what it had become.
Thankfully, he thought, the stars hadn’t changed since then. He knew a little more of the constellations, and he could somewhat understand how to navigate by them now, but he picked out the lion-turtle face his mom had shown him on one of his birthdays. He smiled when he saw the Greedy King that Uncle had pointed out when they had first started looking for the Avatar. And he laughed when he remembered asking Toph about any she knew. He wondered if Katara knew any special Water Tribe constellations.
The breeze picked up a little, and he was thankful he hadn’t changed out of the ceremonial robes. It would have been easy to warm himself up, but he probably would have made fun of Zuko for needing to on a summer night like this. Tonight, it didn’t feel like aging was the great blessing it should have been. Growing older felt like an invitation for more things to happen, on nights like these. Maybe tomorrow night he’d feel more optimistic about surviving.
He started remembering all the things he had survived, but his mind had some mercy and whited out for a bit. That was one of the positives about being who he had become, he could think of everything at once, everything so loud and bright that it would all combine and it would grant himself a reprieve from thinking. Aang called it anxiety daydreaming. Someone else had said it was Zuko’s special move to project his mind out of boring meetings. It definitely wasn’t the most helpful of responses he had developed over the years, and he shook his head now to get himself out of that headspace. He would make himself feel everything tonight. It was the least he could do before having to move on.
Picking at the embroidery on his sleeves, Zuko wondered if he’d have to have another meeting with the palace tailor soon. He’d only had a few special occasion outfits since the twentieth anniversary celebration, having donated all the formal attire to a traveling culture exhibit. After this week, he’d probably need more clothes that didn’t remind him of—
He liked the current tailor. The one he’d inherited from his father’s reign had been nice, but Kala had quickly become friendly. After apprenticing with the previous tailor, Kala had stepped into the role like she was born to work in the palace. Her first meeting with Zuko had led to them discussing which different shades of red were absolutely off the table, and how blue could easily be incorporated into his daily attire. He sighed when he remembered the lecture she’d given them about fabric waste and having to make him and his sparring partner new clothes every other week.
“Your highness, I understand you have access to the royal treasury and have almost no worry for wanting, but there has been a silk shortage ever since the Shuhon Island fires.”
“How was I supposed to know that?”
“You signed the forms they sent asking for aid! If you keep this up, I’ll have to start using flour bags for your clothes.”
Kala was smart and reliable, attributes Zuko hoped his new advisors would have. The candidates were arriving by the beginning of the next week, and he and his friends would have to interview all of them. Although, Katara’s involvement was still up in the air. Maybe he’d talk with her in the evenings about what he had learned.
Katara was supposed to be staying in the palace for the next month, though he had asked if she wanted him to take her to Ember Island. She had been stubborn, of course, and had said something about wanting to make sure they were nearby in case anything else happened. He’d let it go, but he was thinking he might take off anyway after the interviews next week. He had his friends here for that reason anyway. Uncle would have been proud at how he could delegate. He’d also probably tell him some parable about doing the bare minimum to take care of himself during such emotional hardships. But Zuko had never been great at following his loved ones’ advice. That’s what had gotten him in this situation to begin with.
Oh.
It wasn’t great to have that thought. Nothing was great about any of this, but maybe ignoring it for tonight would be OK? He’d understand, right? He looked up, but the stars held no reply.
And this was supposed to be his one night for himself. After everything, he’d allow himself these few quiet moments away from everyone, sort through everything he could, and get ready for tomorrow. His interim advisor had suggested he take some time to himself, or at least spend it with his friends that were visiting, but he didn’t think he had it in him. What would he even do? Take a walk around the garden? Spar with the Kyoshi Warriors? He couldn’t keep pushing this off, not if he was supposed to move on.
He felt that anger flare up again, but he didn’t feel any flames rise up out of him. There was such a dichotomy in advice he’d been given the past week. Make sure to process through everything, but keep moving forward. Take time to accept what had happen, but also don’t forget to plan for the future. If he’d been that kid all those years ago, he’d probably be halfway to some stormy mountain range by now. Zuko felt the frustration cool off slightly as he heard a specific voice telling him he was being stupid, and that obviously he wasn’t supposed to follow everyone’s advice. What that voice didn’t say, and what Zuko wanted to hear the most, was that it was all a mistake.
No, he was supposed to have accepted it. Tomorrow was the big day, and he couldn’t go into it like this. If he walked into his first day back performing all his normal duties and he couldn’t even accept the death of his best friend, his confidant, and the love of his life, then he might as well give up and run away now.
Admitting it was painful. He’d try smiling through every time someone brought up his name. He’d spoken at length today about the time he had shared with him over the years, as eloquent and poetic as a Fire Lord could be. He’d been the perfect picture of a grieving spouse, and it still felt like he’d been shot through with lightning.
What’s a perfect grieving husband supposed to look like? You’re too dramatic to be a widower.
Zuko laughed, comforted by words he hadn’t heard. There was going to be a time to relearn how to do things again. He may be going back to meetings and paperwork, but he’d overheard Toph and Suki talking with his assistant about spreading the workload amongst the rest of his cabinet. He’d have to make an appearance in a few weeks at the Eclipse Festival, but Aang had mentioned coming back to be a part of it as well. And Katara—well, he knew they both were going to need each other over the next several months. There had to be some perilous mission they could use to distract themselves with. Some despot who was terrorizing a town, or maybe a hidden spirit market place that could be explored. Whatever they needed to get through this.
The moon was new tonight, and Zuko couldn’t help but feel like it was a gift from the spirits. Sokka had always wanted to see Yue again. Maybe now when Zuko looked up, he’d be able to find him next to her. Maybe he’d find some comfort in the evening sky like Sokka had for all these years.
Wrapping his arms around himself, as he fiddled with the blue ribbon sewn into the sleeves, Zuko looked up at the stars.