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Smoking, for once, wasn’t an option.
Sebastian swallowed, his fingers still clutching the unlit cigarette, yet the person who just moments before intruded into his personal space also encouraged him to smoke as if smoking were simply a pastime he enjoyed for the fun of it, but she thought his smoking was cool. In reality, he smoked to help relieve the stress that his medication didn’t take care of, yet the very idea of doing what she wanted of him, let alone using the porcelain plate she dragged him to The Round Table to purchase made the thought of tasting the cigarette make his stomach churn.
And then there was the look on Arlo’s face as if Arlo wanting to not speak with him somehow grew despite Sebastian not knowing what he’d done wrong.
Eventually, the stars came out, reminding Sebastian of Stardew Valley, where he left so he wouldn’t have mental breakdowns. Sebastian headed inside, closing the door of his shop behind him, locking the door to avoid anyone interrupting his sleep, his medication forgotten in his backpack as his anxiety started peeking. He instead collapsed into the bed, wishing for the cacophony of negative thoughts to go away.
~
He awoke to the presence of someone in the workshop, whatever anxiety was washed away by sleep suddenly returning and then amplifying greatly as his entire body stiffened as the lights when on. Sebastian knew he’d locked the workshop, not wanting to interact with anyone, particularly the children who thought sneaking into his current home was fun and games. His eyes opened slightly so that he hoped he wouldn’t look as if he were awake, which made Sebastian’s eyes adjusting to the dark more difficult.
As the panic started to set in, Sebastian felt the intruder sit on the edge of the bed next to him, but moments later, they touched his shoulder. “Sebby, we need...”
Sebastian jolted awake, pulling away from the person despite recognizing the voice as someone he shouldn’t be pulling away from. He skittered backward, his back against the bed frame, his breath sucking in deep. He croaked out, “Arlo...”
Arlo sat there, the one person with actual access to the workshop; even though he’d locked the door, his hand reached out, frozen at the sight of Sebastian’s panic attack. Eventually, his hand lowered, and he looked away, disappointed. “That bad?”
Sebastian wrapped his arms around his chest and pulled his legs up. He swallowed, unsure of how to respond to Arlo, having just witnessed one of the panic attacks he’d managed well until the misinformation about him started spreading around Stardew – simply because Harvey was being sent the wrong tests. He sucked in his breath, resting his forehead against his arms to avoid eye contact.
“Do you hate me that much?”
“What?” Sebastian muttered, his stomach churning with nausea, the need to smoke suddenly hitting hard, yet he couldn’t help he was forgetting
“Look. I know I said in my letter that I’d wait until you were ready to talk, but I can’t. I can’t wait around, not without knowing what I did wrong, to make you hate me so much.”
Sebastian looked up, feeling super tired. “Arlo....”
“And then there you were with Emily today, and—I was honestly jealous. I understand that I’m your brother, and she’s a girl you like, but it still hurts.”
He stared, mortified. His eyes blinked, thinking back to when he’d seen Arlo pass him by and that look of disappointment on his face. “I’m confused.”
“You’re confused?” Arlo sighed. “You showed up a few days ago saying you don’t know me, but then you’re out and about with Emily as if she’s not a complete stranger. I mean, sure—she did visit her grandmother when she was younger, but it rarely, if ever, correlated to when you were in Portia. I mean, you were here for school, and...”
“Arlo shut up.” Sebastian raised his hand to his eye, gritting his teeth. To his dismay, Arlo tensed.
“I see.”
“No, you don’t.” Sebastian’s eyes closed. “Why am I having such a bad anxiety attack, outside of the fact Emily seriously violated my personal boundaries today—yesterday, I guess?” He then muttered, “I forgot to take my medicine. That’s why I don’t feel good.”
“What medicine?”
Sebastian stiffened, his eyes glued onto Arlo—although he didn’t make eye contact. He swallowed, realizing he said one of the things he didn’t want to say.
“You—are you sick like Ginger is?”
Sebastian’s eyes drifted down, his throat feeling dry while his fingers tightened around whatever body part he held onto, his mind in a fog. “I—no. It's not that kind of illness.”
Arlo didn’t say anything, which made Sebastian grateful—at first, but then he realized suddenly that Arlo was contemplating what he’d said, figuring out what he’d just said. He needed a smoke. “A smoke?”
He flinched, realizing he’d also said that out loud in front of Arlo. “I’m heading outside.”
Sebastian got up, grabbed his jacket as he did so, and headed out the front door. Stepping outside and lighting up—did nothing to relieve his anxiety like usual, his eyes glued to the sky, his mind focused on his current problem. Arlo—he was taking too much time inside, but then he might be waiting for Sebastian to finish smoking and come in and speak with him. His teeth gritted, realizing that the conversation that Arlo had kindly let him avoid—
“I should have known that Arlo wouldn’t have written something like that in the latter—that I’d misunderstood everything, like usual.” Eventually, sometime after that particular thought, the porcelain plate he’d set on a stone stool shattered against the workshop door just as it started to open, which meant Arlo wouldn’t wait.
“Well, that’s one way to let off some steam.” He stepped out further, then held a glass of water and—
“Arlo, did you just go through my things?” Sebastian croaked out, absolutely mortified.
“Will it make you feel better?”
“And I’m supposed to be the socially inept one,” Sebastian muttered.
“You’re not inept,” Arlo chimed in, yet something in the back of Sebastian’s mind realized that Arlo didn’t know what he was referring to, what with being out in an area with little contact with the outside world and specific information.
Sebastian turned, taking the pill and placing it onto his tongue despite the nasty taste before taking the glass of water and chugging it down. He handed it back to Arlo, his eyes narrowed. “No comment on the smoking?”
“Why do you ask?”
“Because mom constantly rags on me for it?”
“Well, I’ll admit it’s not a healthy habit, but—” Arlo’s mouth twisted into a frown. “Does mom know?”
“Know that I’m here?”
“Well, there is that. I’m talking about your mental illness.”
Sebastian swallowed, turning his head away while his cigarette rested in his fingers. “You’re to the point like always.”
“Did you really think I wouldn’t recognize the signs of PTSD or some other form of mental illness?” That comment made Sebastian cringe, but Arlo said, “Is that why you were avoiding me? Why you pretended not to know me the other day?”
“Do you really think I wanted you to know? About how messed up I’ve come?” Sebastian closed his eyes. “It’s why I’ve not returned to Portia for so long.”
“Yet, you came back here, but why would I be surprised that Mom doesn’t know you’re here?”
“Demetrius knows. You remember him, right?”
“Yeah. I do.”
“Well, he and Mom are married now.”
“That—” Arlo sounded slightly uncomfortable with the knowledge, yet Sebastian couldn’t blame him.
“He knew about the mental illness, but it was his idea that I come out here for what was supposed to be only a few weeks for a job so I could get away from Mom and Maru for a bit.”
“Maru?”
“Their kid,” Sebastian muttered.
Arlo didn’t say anything, and then—“Could you call her our sister or half-sister instead?”
“She’d like you.”
“You’re changing the subject.”
“Not really, when Maru hates my guts. I don’t know how to be an older brother to her like you are to me, and it feels like shit.”
“Well, it’s rather hard to be an older brother to someone who doesn’t tell you what’s wrong.”
The words stung, and Sebastian looked at Arlo. He felt the tears start to well in his eyes. “What?”
“I mean, how can I help you if you don’t tell me what’s going on?” Arlo said, meaning what he said wasn’t meant as a snipe.
“That.”
“It’s my job as an older brother. That’s all you’ve got to do, is there when she needs your help.”
“She’s got you.”
Arlo let out a laugh. “She’s not even met me, what with how mom and I aren’t on speaking terms, yet from the sounds of things, she doesn’t even know I exist, does she?”
“No. Mom doesn’t talk about Portia, like, at all.”
“And she doesn’t know that you’re out here, but more importantly, there was some reason for you to get away from her and our sister.”
“Arlo—”
“I told you, Sebby, that as your older brother, I can’t do my job if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.”
“I don’t need you trying to fix things between Mom and me. That—I honestly think that would make it worse.” Sebastian felt the corners of his mouth twist together but mentally noted he wasn’t feeling better.
“I’m not saying I’m going to fix it. Hell, I’ve got the impression it’s something I could ever fix. I mean, it’s our mom, and I know how stubborn she can be, but I wouldn’t be surprised if our sister inherited her stubbornness as the rest of us did. What happened?”
“What happened?” Sebastian took a deep swig of his cigarette, wishing the negative feelings would go away—after all, he was having his smoke and had taken his medicine, so why the emotions weren’t ebbing, he didn’t know. “What happened is she thought I did something I didn’t, and then got mad at me when I didn’t take responsibility for that thing I didn’t do despite that thing turning out never to have happened in the first place.”
“Well, that sucks. So, the reason for coming here is to give her time to cool down so you can tell her what really went down?”
“As if I could tell her!” The panic was still there, and Sebastian lifted a hand to his forehead. “God, I feel sick.”
“Seb.”
“And what’s worse, I get here, and I’ve yet another girl stalking me!” The cigarette hung from his fingers, and he stared out ahead of him blankly, the exact reason why he was still in a horrible place despite taking medicine. “Oh shit.” He headed inside to snuff the cigarette in the sink while Arlo muttered something about not smoking in the workshop, only to voice his understanding when Sebastian put it out in the sink.
He attempted sucking in his breath, the panic not going away. He felt Arlo place a hand on his shoulder, which he flinched away from. “Who? Who are you talking about?”
Sebastian’s eyes remained closed. “She’s not. I know Emily’s not, but...”
He heard Arlo suck in his breath. “Hold on. Emily...”
“I told you. She’s not. My mind knows it’s not the same as with Abigail.”
“She—are you telling me that you were completely uncomfortable with—that it wasn’t—” Arlo’s voice became sharp. “Seb!”
“I’m sorry! I’m so, so sorry!” His entire body shook, and—well, he was crying. He was crying in front of Arlo, showing just how messed up he was.
“Seb, you could have told her. She would have understood.”
“But that’s just it! I can’t! I can’t tell anyone I’m uncomfortable because I get uncomfortable at the weirdest things. Stupid things.”
“They’re not stupid, Seb. More importantly—” Arlo’s voice tensed as if he were afraid to ask his question. “Did this Abigail, did she—”
“God, no,” Sebastian wiped away some tears, knowing where Arlo was going. “I’m still—”
He suddenly vomited, which meant the medicine came up as well. “Seb?”
“I’m okay.”
“You’re obviously not. Should I get Dr. Xu?”
“No. I’m...”
“If you’re still like this come morning, I definitely am. No arguments. Let’s get you back to bed.”
“I’m not.” Sebastian sighed. “I mean, nothing happened. That is not what you were asking. Hell—” His cheeks turned a bright red. “I’m still a fucking virgin!”
“You say that as if it’s a bad thing?”
“Well, are you?”
“Well, no. But that doesn’t mean—”
“It’s not normal.”
“Who cares?”
“I care!” Sebastian muttered. “I told you, I’m fucking inept when it comes to social interactions, Arlo.”
“Yeah, but...” Arlo sighed, brushing back a lock of hair before turning on the sink to wash the vomit, and cigarette butt, down the drain. “Isn’t knowing when to say no also important? And mom—she doesn’t know about Abigail? That she was—”
“Nobody knows. Not even Demetrius, not even Sam.”
“Our Sam. How---”
“No. Sam is back home. I mean, in Stardew. He knows about my meds, and he—” Sebastian swallowed. “Everyone thinks we’re dating.”
“Seb, that’s bad.”
“I know that—”
“Let me finish with the fact I’m in the Civil Corps, and that isn’t something we want to hear in our line of work.”
Sebastian let out a half-laugh.
“I’ll talk with Emily.”
“Don’t! Don’t tell her—”
“That you need some space? I don’t need to go into details.” Arlo sighed. “But seriously? Everyone thought you were dating?”
“And everyone but Demetrius and Sam thought we were fucking, but Sam knows—” Sebastian swallowed.
“He isn’t the reason you think being a virgin is bad?”
“No, no. He just teases me because he’s the exact opposite and likes to see me squirm when the subject of sex ever comes up. He says it’s how I knew I was in the first place, but that I should continue being me.”
“Sounds like a good friend. Have you been in contact with him since you’ve been here?”
“Kind of hard. No cell reception, and I get his mom when I call.”
“How’s that stopping you?”
“She’s one of the ones who thinks...”
“Okay. Anyways, let's get you showered and into bed. If you’re still jittery like this in the morning, we’ll—no. I’ll go and get Dr. Xu.” Arlo then paused. “Also, why was the door locked? People don’t go barging into other people’s homes late at night here. Those boundaries are respected.”
Sebastian groaned, muttering something about—he knew it was about the two girls sneaking into his place and waking him in the morning, and he used the word evil, but his mind didn’t register exactly what he said as he wiped a sleeve of his jacket across his face.
“Okay. Not locking the door may not be an option yet. I’ll have a word with them.” Sebastian tried to protest, only—he couldn’t, as Arlo wouldn’t let him. Soon, he found himself in a hot shower, in clean clothes, and into bed with Arlo sitting next to him as if to keep an eye on him during the night.
He felt—safe and fell asleep despite the anxiety rattling through his brain.