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“Hm? What’s this?”
Jisung stretches out his long arms, reaching for the tiny piece of paper underneath his bed. Groaning a bit as he stood up from his crouched position, he blows at the item in his palm, ridding it of its accumulated dust. A warm smile instantly makes its way to his thin lips when he finally recognizes the thing he was holding. It was a polaroid picture of a younger version of him and his best friend, Chenle.
Jisung slams back down on his bed with a loud thump, the pillows and plushies bouncing from the impact. He giggles as he observes the picture further. Their shirts were drenched and they had patches of mud on their shorts, probably from running through the sprinklers trying to beat the scorching summer heat.
Summer.
Oh, how Jisung had missed such happy times. Now all he could do was wonder where they’d all gone.
Every summer, he and Chenle sitting in his backyard under the shade of the big lemon tree without a single care in the world. Ice cream cones and cherry sodas dripping down their chins as they cool off from frolicking about in grassy fields. Every day, they’d go ‘round the neighborhood on bicycles, roller skates, and even bare feet, looking for new adventures to satisfy their juvenile hearts. It’s been a staple practice for them as neighbors, partly because their moms were very close.
He sits up, eyes darting across the four corners of his small room. Nostalgia settling at the pits of his chest. He felt like a complete stranger to his room. Everything was gone, packed up in bag after bag. It was the epic struggle of almost any teenager Jisung’s age, leaving home and going to university. When he’d been accepted for admission in his dream school in Canada, he knew he couldn’t let the opportunity pass by, even if it meant leaving his family and friends behind.
He sighs. The seemingly endless summers of his youth were finally coming to an end. There was nothing he could do about it, though. He was a windmill, and life was the never-ending breeze that kept him turning.
Jisung’s gaze fell back on Chenle’s face in the picture, carefully grazing his fingers above his figure. He’d miss his best friend, he thought. A bitter chuckle leaves his lips, shaking his head as a stray thought flies through his mind.
You see, Jisung has been hopelessly in love with his best friend for God knows how many years by now. But like most cases, he’s a victim of a thing called ‘unrequited love.’
Jisung’s tiny secret wasn’t really much of a secret, though. Everyone knew about his admiration for Chenle, except for the culprit himself. His friends have forced him multiple times to confess, yet all their efforts were futile. Frankly, Jisung was too much of a coward, unwilling to jeopardize their friendship at the expense of his silly feelings.
The sudden knocking on his door disrupts his thoughts. He clears his throat before yelling out, “Come in!”
The door swiftly swings open, revealing the face of Jisung’s older brother, Jeno. “Hey, mom wanted me to tell you dinner’s ready downstairs.”
“Y-yeah, I’ll be down in a bit.” Jisung shuffles in his bed, trying to find a suitable spot to put the picture in his hands.
Jeno raises a curious eyebrow, noticing his brother’s uneasiness. “Something wrong?”
“Huh? N-nothing.”
“Oh please, Jisung. We both know you’re the worst at lying. C’mon, you can tell me.”
Jisung shifts to the side of his bed, allotting ample space for Jeno, who’s now walking towards him with the kindest grin. Instead of answering his brother’s question, he opts to make an inhumane groaning sound—unsure of what exactly to say.
Worry painted everywhere on Jeno’s face; he tries again, “Is it about university?”
Jisung answers only with a slight nod, too afraid to open his mouth. Feeling as though his voice would crack the moment he spoke. Deep down, he knew he’d have to deal with these repressed emotions someday, but it seems like he still isn’t prepared for it.
Jeno rests his hand on Jisung’s back, dragging it along in small soothing circles. Truth be told, he didn’t know what exact advice to give his younger brother, despite the fact that he’d been in the same situation about two years back. All he knew was that things will get better; they always did. One day it just becomes so easy that it’s strange but also simultaneously comforting. He’s about to speak again but Jisung beats him to it.
“I don’t even know what I’m so worried about,” he starts, unthinkingly tapping his feet on the hardwood. “Like, I pretty much have everything set up. I’ll be moving in with this guy named Mark, who promised to teach me English while I’m there. He even suggested that I temporarily change my name to Andy, so that I’d fit in more. Ugh, but now I’m not even sure whether going abroad for school was a good decision or not.”
“Hey, it’s totally fine to feel that way, alright? Let yourself feel those emotions, don’t bottle them up,” Jeno said. “But… I know you’ve wanted this for the longest time. And I, for one, would hate to see you losing the opportunity because of those setbacks of yours. Sometimes you really just have to go for that leap of faith.”
“Just because I have doubts doesn’t mean I don’t want it.” Jisung exhales a breath he didn’t even know he was holding, realizing the weight of this excess baggage he’s been wanting to unload.
Jeno doesn’t respond, his chest aching at the sight of his brother in such distress. Instead, he pulls Jisung closer, motioning for him to continue.
“It’s just that, after I got accepted, it felt as if my dreams were finally coming to life; everything was going so smoothly. So, of course, I felt the unshakable need to self-destruct and sabotage myself. Since then, I’ve been having these hyperbolic scenarios in my head wherein I get so terrified of what’s to come, and I’ll have no one to turn to. There’s no you, no mom, no Chenle, or anyone else. It’s just me,” he trails off, voice growing quieter and quieter as he drags the words out.
Jeno inhales a deep breath as he gives encouraging pats on Jisung’s back. Somewhat sympathizing with his words, he says, “Look, Jisung, no decision comes without fear. However, keep in mind that you should make choices that reflect your hopes, not your fears. Plus, although we aren’t physically there, we’re always just a phone call away.”
Jisung playfully shoves his brother over the opposite side of the bed. A pout appearing on his lips as he looks at him with tears threatening to spill from the rims of his small eyes. “Yah! Why are you always like this? You always make me cry.”
Jeno bursts out laughing in response to his brother’s childish whining. Jisung was always like this, he thought—always had a million thoughts running through his head at a constant, yet outwardly demure and timid.
“Come on, mom’s probably waiting for us downstairs. You know how impatient she can get.” Jisung said as he starts off for the door.
“Oh! Speaking of dinner, is Chenle coming over tonight?”
“Yeah, he said he’ll be here in time for dinner.”
“Hm… since you’re leaving tomorrow, why don’t you confess your undying love for him tonight?”
Jisung snorts at his brother’s remark. Although he couldn’t see Jeno’s face from where he was walking downstairs, he already knew he was wearing his usual, annoying smirk. “Oh please, I don’t even like him that much anymore.”
“Whatever helps you sleep at night,” Jeno laughed.
The indistinct chatter emanating from the kitchen draws Jisung’s attention. Slowly peeking around the corner, he’s beyond surprised by the sight that welcomes him. There, seated at their dining table along with his mom, was no other than Chenle. The boy gives a small smile and waves when he notices him, unknowingly sending a swarm of butterflies rushing through Jisung’s stomach.
Jisung knew he lied right through his crooked teeth earlier. His poor self was still head over heels for Chenle, and nothing could ever change that.
He couldn’t tell if it was Chenle’s fair, porcelain skin accentuated by the dim drop lights hanging above or if it was his newly dyed cherry-pink hair that made his heart skip a crazy beat. Whatever it was, one thing for sure was that Chenle was breathtaking, even in just his oversized t-shirt lazily draped over his figure. At least in Jisung’s eyes, that was.
Jeno gives him a playful nudge with his elbow, jolting him out of his reverie. “Hey, Mr. hopeless romantic, close your mouth. He might catch you drooling over him,” he teased, chuckling as he makes his way to the table.
Jisung huffs, rolling his eyes so hard that he’s surprised they don’t pop out of their sockets. He takes the vacant seat next to Chenle, not daring to spare him even the slightest glance—too afraid that his heart would betray him and expose his flushed cheeks.
*
After hazy dinner chit-chatter and clanking of utensils, huddled together beneath the warm blanket and vast starry skies were Jisung and Chenle. The wrinkled silk curtains were parted, gentle drops of moonlight entering through the slight crevice to illuminate the pitch-black room.
It was another sleepless night for Chenle as he sat up on Jisung’s bed with a pounding headache. He was unsure whether it’s from sleep deprivation after scrolling on Twitter all night or from the endless thoughts racing through his mind. Corner of his lips collapsing into a frown as he whispers to himself, “This is it.” He paused with a heavy sigh. “This is really my last sleepover with Jisung.”
His eyes traced along the faint glow across the bare nothingness in Jisung’s room. It felt eerie, as though he’d been alienated from his friend’s room, where he was already so familiar with. On rainy days, there’d be paper planes gliding around till they crash on the walls. And on sunny days, they’d argue about the silliest of things, like who’d get the last remaining cup of ice cream or can of soda. Now, all those were nothing but a distant memory—a moment in time that’s forever gone.
He lies back down with a downhearted sigh, elbow against the mattress to keep himself upright. Ultimately, his eyes fixate themselves on a sleeping Jisung. Chenle hates to admit it, but deep inside, he knew there would be moments he’d miss, and there’d be a gap in his life that only Jisung could fill.
There’s an unsettling ache in his chest as he continued to stare at Jisung’s sleeping figure. Chenle had always found his best friend attractive, but something about the divine twilight bouncing on his soft, pastel skin seemed to have only enhanced his sublime beauty.
With shaky breaths and a rampant heartbeat, Chenle raises his trembling hand and lands it atop Jisung’s head. Carding through the long strands of hair as his hand gently trails down to his cheek, caressing it with utmost caution—frightened that his friend might wake up. As he’s basking himself in the splendor of Jisung’s features, the boy suddenly shifts in his sleep, startling him. Jisung’s eyes remained shut when he reached out for the hand on his cheek and tugged it closer to himself, hugging it.
Chenle froze with his heart beating steadily in his throat, a loud thumping resounding in his ears. His face filled with color and heat when his mind began to comprehend the position they were in. His arm was securely entrapped in Jisung’s firm grip, the steady breathing from the boy's nostrils hitting Chenle's skin as tingles traveled his entire body. He didn’t dare move a fraction of an inch, somewhat relishing the warmth of Jisung’s flesh against his icy hand. It was bizarre how even the subtlest touch from Jisung could elicit such potent emotions in him.
He would never say it out loud, but he’s always fantasized about being caught in such situations with Jisung. Kinda like those romantic scenes from a clichéd teen rom-com. Chenle wishes they could stay for forever that way. But of course, that can’t happen when his arm starts to grow numb from the bone-crushing grip.
Just as he’s beginning to detach himself from the other’s hold, Jisung heaves a throaty grunt whilst stirring in his sleep. Chenle mentally face palms himself, scolding the butterflies dancing in his stomach for finding the simple raspy groan attractive, seductive even.
As if the universe wasn’t done toying with him, all the oxygen gets knocked out of poor Chenle’s lungs when he hears Jisung talk in his sleep. “Hmm, Chenle, don’t go. Stay with Jisung.”
Jisung’s guttural voice resonated through the hushed atmosphere, forcing all of Chenle’s bodily systems to cease functioning. Despite the burning touch and Jisung’s words replaying in his head like a broken record, he attempts to compose himself with a few deliberate breaths. All he could do was silently pray the latter wouldn’t notice his rapid heartbeat pulsating through his wrist.
Reluctantly, Chenle opens his mouth only to close it, and open it once more. He realizes that Jisung wasn't even awake to hear him, anyway. Bitterness apparent in his tone as he mutters to his sleeping friend, “That’s what you are, Jisung. Always so oblivious even when you’re wide awake.”
With eyes shut tight, he finally pulls away from Jisung. Looking at his friend with downcast eyes, he stands up from the bed and tiptoes his way out of the room, totally ignoring the thunderous beating of his heart inside his ribcage. He dashes down the stairs to the front door, hissing when the freezing midnight breeze hits his exposed skin. His eyebrows furrow as he fumbled with the spare keys Jisung had lent him years back.
Chenle heaves a sigh of relief when he hears the faint click of the locked doorknob. He couldn’t bear to stand another second inside Jisung’s house. Not when his heart was threatening to leap out of his throat at any moment. Not when he was so close to Jisung, whom he was secretly in love with.
Yes, Chenle might’ve not wanted to leave and instead cherished every remaining moment he had left with his best friend. But how could he? He could no longer pretend; pretend that Jisung didn’t have his whole hand wrapped around his weak, pathetic heart. When in fact, Jisung does, and always did, and yet remained unaware of it.
One… Two… Three…
Chenle counted the number of stray pebbles along the pavement that he mindlessly kicked as he walked towards his residence, still pondering if leaving this late was a good decision. Gazing at the empty nighttime sky above, two lone stars emitting a vague glimmer caught his attention.
They reminded him of Jisung and himself. As if they were the universe’s laughingstock, two stars floating together in the same desolate sky, yet fate never permitted them to become one.
Chenle chuckled, listless at the sudden philosophical thought. He was never one to be cowardly. He’s outspoken. He’s even part of the debate club for crying out loud, but all that gladly goes flying out the nearest window whenever Jisung’s around. Although disliking how his best friend had such an effect on him, he also liked it—liked how he was this way only for Jisung.
The trees rustle when a chilly gust flies by, carrying Chenle’s thoughts away with it. He quickens his pace to save himself from freezing to death. After a few more minutes and rubs of his hands, he finally stood at his front door.
Briskly pushing his keys through the keyhole, he made his way inside. Treading towards the living room, he sees his older brother, Kun, messily sprawled out on their couch. He giggles as he snaps a quick picture of his sleeping brother, even zooming in on his widely gaped mouth.
Once he’s satisfied with the number of photos he’s taken—also sending them to Chittaphon, his brother’s boyfriend—he dashes to his bedroom upstairs. He shuts the door and jumps on his bed face-first, lying flat on his belly.
Chenle tossed and turned on the sheets, unable to sleep despite it already being a few hours past midnight. A certain ‘Park Jisung’ still lingering in his head, as well as in his heart. A slight blush slowly crept onto Chenle’s cheeks as previous events of their close proximity found their way to the surface of his mind. Pulling his blanket over his head, he groans and kicks his feet like a child throwing a tantrum.
Fuck Park Jisung and his stupid, cute face! Fuck him!
Despite secretly crushing on Jisung for so many years, Chenle never mustered up the courage to confess to his best friend like how he had always imagined. Even long ago, he could already see it all in his mind’s eye. How he’d approach his friend with a bouquet of red roses, confront him about his feelings, and maybe take him out on a date if he got lucky. And before saying yes, Jisung would give him his signature smile. The crinkled eyes. The crooked teeth. The most perfect smile Chenle had ever laid his eyes on.
Chenle chewed on his lower lip, fighting back a smile that inevitably made its way to his chapped lips. It was a common, pitiful sight of a teenager in love, one might say. It seems just milliseconds ago, he was shooting random curses at Jisung in his head, but now he’s all heart eyes for the same person. All because of a stupidly pretty smile— one unlike any other.
To say the very least, Chenle was blinded by that perfect smile. So blinded that he crossed the line and broke the golden rule: ‘Never develop feelings for your best friend.' The rule that Chenle had tried so valiantly hard to obey yet miserably failed either way.
Friends. Feelings. Of the 511,282 words in the Korean language, Chenle hates those two words the most.
To some, it may seem absurd how Chenle despised those two words with every fiber of his living being. But can you blame him? Out of all the people in the world, why did he have to fall for his best friend?
Chenle always assumed it was something temporary—nothing more than a hormonal, irrational teenage crush. He thought it was simply because Jisung always stuck by his side that he grew an attachment towards him. Little did he know that ‘something’ was something more. Buried feelings that grew a single sprout in his heart, which then blossomed into an entire garden of nothing but love and admiration for Jisung. Somewhere his dreams of becoming Jisung’s lover and not just his friend could come to life.
But to Chenle’s dismay, it was all but a fantasy that could never come to reality.
Chenle knew pain. He knew how loneliness stung, but not like this. How could he possibly be fine when his best friend is leaving for abroad in about 5 hours? Not to mention he’s harboring a long-overdue confession for him.
Best friend? Crush? Love of his life? Whatever you ought to call it, it all boiled down to none other than Park Jisung.
In his head, Chenle flicks through a mental scrapbook of memories, recalling how much time has passed. Seasons have changed. Buildings have been erected in previously vacant lots. Flowers have been plucked. Trees have been stripped off of their greenness. His youthful heart ached no more for toys, but for his best friend’s heart. Looking back, so many years had passed, and yet all that now seems misspent.
Chenle sighed for the umpteenth time that midnight, growing indifferent at the thoughts running wild in his head. When the clock’s hands hit 3 a.m., he finally passes out on his bed, locking away his feelings in the deepest dungeon of his heart where they had always been—where they should be.
*
Jisung woke up to the blaring noise of his phone alarm, the digital screen displaying that it was 5:00 in the morning. With a groan, he sat up on his bed and glanced out the window, feeling the early morning on his skin through the curtains. The door to his room suddenly swings open, and he’s surprised to see Jeno already dressed up.
“Rise and shine, Ji! Don’t wanna be late for your flight,” Jeno beamed.
Jisung groaned. He was never the morning person, and seeing his brother so enthusiastic this early bugged him. “Remind me again why I chose the 8 a.m. flight?”
“Oh, come on! It’s not that bad!”
“You’re just gonna drop me off at the airport, but you look more excited than I am.”
“Hey, am I not allowed to be hyped up for my little brother? You’re going to Canada, Jisung! It seems only yesterday you were crying because you stepped on a Lego block.”
Jisung rolled his eyes at him, shooing his brother out of the room. “Yeah yeah yeah, whatever. I’ll be down in about 30 minutes.”
Jeno walks downstairs after that, leaving Jisung alone once more. He looks over his shoulder and notices the cold emptiness to his left. Chenle was gone. Assuming that his friend had woken up early and is probably downstairs chatting with his mom, Jisung finally stands up, rubbing his lazy eyes as he walks over to the bathroom to get ready.
It was a rather cold summer morning. The day it was suddenly real. The dawn breaking right across the horizon. Pancakes sizzling on the pan. Roosters cuckooing. Faint noise from the radio news station echoing throughout the living room.
Jisung stepped into the living room with his plane tickets in hand, dragging along his luggage and a backpack hanging from one of his shoulders, the warm smiles of his mom and older brother welcoming him. He inhaled and exhaled, shoulders going up and down as he returned their smiles.
They ate soundly, clothed beneath the heavy yet still somewhat uplifting atmosphere. A certain glint present in each of their eyes. Whether it was excitement or tears of sadness, they did not know. It was an embarrassing silence, Jisung thought, or maybe he was the only one embarrassed.
After a quick breakfast and much-needed pep talk, there was no more turning back. There at the front door was Jisung, engulfed in his mother’s loving embrace. He returned her actions, hugging even tighter, not wanting to let go. Watching them was Jeno, turning emotional at the scene in front of him, all the while loading his car’s trunk with Jisung’s luggage.
Once Jisung and his mom separate, she raises her hand and combs through her son’s long hair like she always used to, a hard habit to break. Jisung would miss that one for sure.
Pressing a sweet kiss on her son’s forehead, she placed both her hands on Jisung’s broad shoulders, sighing as she realizes just how much her son has grown. “Call us when you arrive. Okay?”
“I will.”
Jisung starts walking backwards to the driveway, his eyes still glued on her mother’s figure as he mutters words of goodbyes and farewells.
“And don’t forget, Jeno and I always got your back even when we’re miles apart!” she called.
Jisung couldn’t help but allow a stray tear to trickle down his face at their exchange. With one last goodbye, Jisung ultimately steps into the car and shuts the door. He takes a deep breath once he’s inside but immediately regrets it when the harsh, fruity scent of his brother’s favorite car air fresheners irritates his nostrils. The early morning sun hit his face through the windshield, lighting up the vehicle and causing fuzzy particles of dust to dance around as they are reflected.
Jeno settles down at the driver’s seat, turning the keys and starting the engine. He glances over to his right, feeling a sentimental tug at his heartstrings. Jeno had already been preparing himself for this day but still winces at seeing his young brother go. But what else could he do? This was what Jisung wanted—only thing he could do was support him along the way.
“You ready, Ji?” he asks, one hand on the steering wheel and the other on the jiggling gear stick.
Deep down, Jisung knows they’ll miss each other, but neither he nor Jeno volunteered to raise the topic. He smiles and nods. “Definitely.”
With that, Jeno steps on the gas, and the 45-minute drive to the airport began. Only 15 minutes in, they stop at a red light. Jisung sinks into his seat, his drowsiness settling in again.
He pulls out his wallet to take out his plane ticket and mutters a silent “oops” when something falls out. He bends down to reach for it but freezes on the spot upon realizing what it was. It was the picture from yesterday. A million thoughts strike through his mind at once, with one prominent name resounding in his head.
Chenle. How could I have forgotten about him?
Alarmed, he turns to Jeno. He asks, “Did you see Chenle this morning?”
“What? No. He probably left early or something.”
I can’t leave without saying goodbye to him. Jisung told himself, more like an order than a statement. He shifts uncomfortably, tapping his shoes on the carpeted car floor as he shot glances at the windows and rearview mirrors—his heart sinking when he sees the heavy traffic behind them. Running a very stressful hand over his sleepy face, he faces Jeno again with pleading eyes and pouted lips.
Jeno takes notice of his restlessness, looking at his younger brother with curious eyebrows raised. “What’s the matter? Forgot something?” he asked.
“Hyung… turn the car around.”
*
Kun barges into Chenle’s bedroom with his mouth running like a locomotive at barely 6 in the morning. “What made you think it was okay to take pictures of me while I was sleeping?! Not to mention you also sent them to-” he paused, noticing his younger brother’s groggy eyes that were lined with terrible bags and his hair sticking out everywhere. Unsure whether to be disgusted or concerned, he goes with both.
“Ew… what happened to you?”
Chenle didn’t even move a single string of muscle, too exhausted to think of a proper reply. Instead, he kept his eyes glued on the blank ceiling, as if waiting for it to fall on him and end his self-induced agony.
Annoyed, Kun tries again, with more sass and authority this time. “Did you sleep?”
Chenle groaned, turning and facing him. “Barely.”
“Alright, be honest with me. What kept you up all night?”
“A broken heart.”
“Oh please, don’t even get me started with that teenage emo stuff. Let me guess, it’s about Jisung again?”
Chenle simply produces a dying animal sound at his brother’s query. Irritated at both himself and his nosy brother, who knew too much about his hopeless crush and had always held his cowardice as an object of ridicule.
“Okay, look,” Kun began, heaving out an exasperated sigh. “I’ve been there. I know how the fear of potentially losing a friendship or whatever, but the guy’s leaving today for crying out loud. You don’t even know when he’s coming back. So if I were you, I’d get my lazy ass out of bed and confess to the supposed love of my life before it’s too late.”
“You say that as if it were the easiest thing to do.”
“Because it is.”
Chenle does nothing but snort at his older brother’s remarks, remaining unconvinced as he turns and goes back to his prolonged staring contest with the ceiling. Even if there were a gun to his head, he’d never confess to Jisung—never in a million years.
Kun’s eyes saddened, pitying his younger brother. Even though Chenle got on his nerves on a daily basis, he still loved him dearly. “Chenle… I’ve been alive in this world much longer than you. And frankly, I have regrets, a lot of them actually,” he chuckles. “I hope I’m not crossing any boundaries here, but I just don’t want you to make the same mistakes that I have.”
When Kun receives no answer from Chenle, he begins to close the door. “I hope you make a decision before it’s too late. Don’t let your secrets turn into regrets,” he said his final remarks as he exited his younger brother's bedroom.
A sigh leaves his lips as he pondered on ways how he could be of more help to his younger brother’s dilemma. He stepped away from the door but can barely set foot on the stairwell when Chenle storms out of his room, racing downstairs to the front door at the speed of light. “Bye, I’ve got to go to Jisung! Thanks, by the way!” he yelled.
With that, a proud, prideful grin appears on Kun’s lips as he dusts off his hands. “My job here is done.”
Adrenaline coursed through Chenle’s veins, and before he knew it, his feet have already carried him to Jisung’s house. Sweat dripped down his red face and his neck and back, soaking his shirt, littering his forehead with stray and damp hair strands. Chenle swears this was the fastest he’s ever run his entire life as his hands were on his wobbling knees, desperately gasping for air.
Once he’s capable of breathing like a normal human being, he knocks on the door with his heart rate exponentially rising when he hears shuffling from the inside, but it seems that luck wasn’t on his side today. His anticipation-filled face shifted to one of utter disappointment and sorrow at what greeted him at the entrance.
“Oh, Chenle! What are you doing here so early in the morning?”
Fuck
Chenle could feel his heart drop to the soles of his feet. He had a hunch that Jisung might’ve already left but silently prayed that his gut feeling was false. “Mrs. Park, is Jisung still inside?” He asked, peeping over her shoulder.
When her smile faded, Chenle’s last ray of hope did too. He no longer needed a verbal response to know that his best friend had already left, and he didn’t even get to say goodbye.
“I’m sorry, sweetie, but he’s gone. It’s too bad you didn’t get to see him off.”
He was too late. The worst part was the fact that he had no one else to blame but himself.
*
Chenle let his worn-out sandals aimlessly drag him across the rugged sidewalk as he wandered the streets back to his house. Each painstaking step he took was accompanied by an unfathomable aching in the pits of his chest, feeling as though the fragments of his broken heart were stabbing him, each shard burrowing deeper than the one before. It was ironic, he thought. How emptiness could feel so heavy—such as that he could hardly make his way home—the 5-minute walk to his house turning to a 10-minute one.
There he sat on the short, oaken staircase leading to his house's front porch, too exhausted to even step inside. Stupid, stupid me, he mumbled lifelessly to himself as he crushed a single withered leaf beneath his foot—the crunching noise of it being somewhat cathartic. Shoulders dropped, head down, and knees to his chest as he hugged his weary body. He stayed there, shame, guilt, regret, anxiety, and fears he dare not name creeping up throughout his body, devouring him from head to toe.
if only he wasn’t a coward.
If only he didn’t leave last night.
If only he had been earlier.
What might have been?
Chenle is too preoccupied with the chaotic, blotchy make-believe scenarios playing in his head to hear the roaring sound of engines and a car pulling into the driveway, let alone the soft footsteps approaching him. That is, until he hears someone clear their throat—the tone of it sounding way too familiar.
“Is this seat taken?”
Right before Chenle’s eyes was Jisung, the main character of his fantasies, an innocent grin on his lips as the wind swept across his face, tousling his neatly kempt hair. As cliché as it may sound, Chenle felt his world come to a halt as if time had ceased ticking; the thumping of his heart hit a record high, and sparks seemingly flew and danced around at the mind-boggling sight.
Upon realization that he looked like a pathetic, love-stricken fool, he shakes himself out of his daze and scoots over to let Jisung sit alongside him. To which the latter, of course, gladly obliges.
A silence bestows itself upon them, making Chenle squirm in their cramped position. The more the silence prolonged, the more his anxieties skyrocketed, and Jisung’s calmness brought absolutely no respite to his sudden existential crisis. Desperate to strike up conversation, Chenle asks, “I thought you already left?” his tone dry and nonchalant despite the whirlwind of emotions inside him.
“Well, I couldn’t leave without saying goodbye to my best friend,” Jisung said as he craned his neck, finally meeting eyes with his best friend. He stares in such a way that causes Chenle’s inside to churn and his cheeks to burn. It takes him a Herculean amount of strength to not dive in and close the tiny gap between him and Jisung.
Chenle was the first to break eye contact as he felt himself shrink under Jisung’s intense gaze. Then there it is again, that unbearable, deafening silence that he hated so much. All he could hear was the faint engine of Jeno’s parked car and his frantic heartbeat in his ears. Chenle’s about to speak again when he feels Jisung suddenly place his hand atop his, stopping him right in his tracks.
Jisung scratched the back of his head with his free hand, the scent of freshly cut grass hitting his nostrils as he inhaled deeply. “Chenle, I didn’t come here just to say goodbye,” he started, lips quivering. “I… I like you, Chenle.”
What? Chenle’s eyes widen. It felt surreal to hear such words come out of Jisung. He looked at him in utter disbelief, anticipating Jisung to tell him he was kidding, and all was a joke. But to his dismay, he didn’t. Jisung’s face overflowed with nothing but sincerity and seriousness, and it was persuading Chenle to believe his confession.
Jisung looks down, a pained expression etched on his face at Chenle’s lack of response, but he continues nonetheless. “This is really embarrassing to say, but I’ve liked you since 8th grade. Jeno would always tease me about it,” he chuckled, attempting to uplift the tense atmosphere. “I just thought you ought to know.” He nodded, somewhat satisfied with his sloppy confession.
The honk of a car’s horn pulls them both out of their bubble. Jisung jerks his head forward, realizing that his brother was the culprit of the loud noise. Jeno peeks at them through the opened car window with raised eyebrows, gesturing to Jisung that it was time to go. Although agitated, Jisung knew his flight wouldn’t wait for him. All he wished was he could’ve spent more time with his best friend—even just a little bit more.
His gaze eventually fell on his hand, which was still on top of Chenle’s slightly smaller one. Hesitantly, he retrieved his hand and stood up, wiping his hands on either side of his jeans. He spared one last glance at Chenle, who remained expressionless. “Well… I’ve got to go now. Bye!”
Jisung smiled as he walked away. There’s a painful strike at his chest, but he ignores it. He didn’t want to regret confessing to his best friend. Although it seemed that Chenle didn’t reciprocate his feelings, at least now, everything was clear.
Or were they?
Everything happened too fast. All he could recall was the sudden onrush of footsteps behind him, followed by an abrupt grip on his wrist as he was turned around. The wires in Jisung’s brain short circuit when Chenle surged without warning, crashing their lips against one another. The kiss was short-lived, lasted no longer than two seconds. And yet, the electrifying sensation of Chenle’s warm, soft, although slightly chapped lips were already forever engraved in Jisung’s heart.
Chenle stared at Jisung, who was foolishly smiling like someone who had just won the lottery. This elicits a smile out of Chenle too. His grin stretching wider upon noticing the blush on the tip of Jisung’s ears that disappeared deep into the collar of his shirt. He was reluctant about the kiss, but seeing his best friend looking just as happy as he is, was the only validation he needed.
Jisung brushed his fingers over his lips. The thought of it finally setting in. Chenle had just kissed him. Oh my god.
It wasn’t the ideal first kiss he had in mind. His fantasies often told him he’d experience his first kiss, maybe on a windy day of a picnic in the park, or maybe on a beach with the waves crashing into the shore and an endless sea of stars twinkling from above. But, Jisung thinks he likes this storyline better. The one where his best friend kisses him right when he least expected it, in front of his house when he’s about to leave.
Perfectly imperfect.
He couldn’t help but burst into a fit of giggles—restlessness and giddiness taking over his senses. His eyes finally fixate themselves on Chenle, gaze travelling around his best friend’s face until it reaches his smiling lips. Shifting on the balls of his feet, an idea crosses his mind, and he doesn’t think twice before acting on it.
“Bye! I’ll call you right away after I land!” Jisung kissed Chenle once more as the words spilled out of his mouth.
Chenle’s jaw dropped, not expecting Jisung to lunge at him like he just did. He’s about to say something, but Jisung is already rushing towards his brother’s car, taking Chenle's breath away with him and the crimson of his cheeks not showing any signs of falter. He can’t even begin to protest when the car engines roar as they drove off. As he watched the car drive into the horizon and disappear from his sight, Chenle waves them goodbye, the same blissful, radiant smile still plastered on his face.
Well, it looks like they have a lot to talk about later on that phone call.
Jeno glanced at his brother, who was obviously suppressing a smile. He laughed and nudged him as he wiggled his eyebrows. Jisung couldn’t see it, but for Jeno, he looked like the cutest child trying to hide the vase he had broken. “What are you looking at me like that for?!” Jisung asked with his arms raised in defense.
Just in time, Jeno slammed the brakes as they approached the long file of cars caught in traffic. He fishes his phone out of his pocket and shoves it in front of Jisung’s face. His younger brother’s haunted look sends him bursting into laughter, knowing that he now has something new to tease him about.
It was a picture of Jisung and Chenle’s kiss. He had captured it precisely in time when Jisung leaned into Chenle with his lips puckered, cheeks reddened, eyes closed, bodies eclipsed, and everything mushy in between.
He retreats his phone into his pocket, stepping on the gas once the cars upfront moved—the teasing grin on his face remaining. “I am so gonna show that to mom.”
“Hyung!”