Work Text:
Oh…
Harry stilled in whatever task he was doing as a flash of thought popped up in his head. A very familiar one and sure enough his mood immediately dampened. He closed his eyes and tried to take deep breaths through his nose and exhale through his mouth to get his head back.
Not again...please
However, fate seemed to be against him and as usual, it did nothing to help to stop the oncoming wave of dread he felt. Another thought flashed but this time it was accompanied by a picture. A memory.
Blood, lots of it. The beautiful entrancing deep red dripp- Harry squeezed his eyes shut and let out a shuddering breath as he tried to ignore the faint tingle he felt below his skin starting to crawl up. His chest started to feel heavy and every breath he felt as if he wasn't breathing at all. As the seconds ticked by he was more aware of the faint visceral urge that ate at his being to do something to his skin. To release the sensation bubbling below certain parts of his skin. Begging to be cut open as deep as he could as if it was his only life source. And honestly, it was a struggle for Harry to not think of it as that.
Stop it! Harry yelled at himself, so close to just hitting himself in the head. He was ansty and knew he had to get moving, to do something else than whatever task he was before. It wasn't enough. Letting out one more deep breath Harry pulled himself upright, determined to try and ignore it just as he has been doing for the past year. Just a few days and the urge to relapse would burrow back under enough for him to control it.
Not two days pass by when things get bad for Harry. Really bad. He of course kept his urges a secret from his boyfriend Draco because what could he do about them? Plus he didn't want to be a bother to him.
He was currently lying in bed after claiming whatever to Draco as he continued to work. He can’t even remember much, everything was overwhelming him and his urge grew so much over the past few days. More and more memories, or were they fantasies? He can't even tell the difference. Eyes clouded with visions of fresh bleeding cuts marring his skin. Him taking that blade, feeling the metal blade, slicing it across his delicate skin bringing that delicious pain that gave him so much relief but yet never enough. Need it.. Another cut… more blood… need to cut. The pure euphoria pulsing through his veins as each drop of blood bleed from his skin. Letting himself run dry, not bothering to wrap up his cuts. The need to wake up and bask in the lingering pain he felt on his thighs…. his wrist… wherever he can get to. Knowing nothing more than the primal need to cut.
Harry curled up a bit more each time as he wrapped his arms around himself and dug his nails in his skin. He buried his head and even harshly pulled at his hair quite a few times in an attempt to block the thoughts. Anything to stop them.
Another wave of urge, the harder he dug his nails and the harder he squeezed his eyes.
Fuck…. Come on…. He cursed himself when he immediately felt his skin break open from his nails. His urges doubled in force so he let out such a heartbreaking noise.
I can’t, I can't do this….
Fed up Harry let go of his hair and punched his head before latching back onto his hair to restrain himself. His breathing had picked up as his adrenaline spiked up a bit making everything harder.
I have to stay clean, I can't ruin everything…i mean what’s even the point?
Any fight Harry had suddenly stopped and seemed to be slowly depleting.
It’s not like it matters in the end if I'm clean or not. Yeah...so why not just self harm all I want? It helps me so that's enough reason to do it, it's the only thing that makes me happy. It's not even that bad, it does no lasting damage. Scars are nothing so I don't see why people say it's bad. Cuts heal
Opening his dead-looking eyes Harry bit his lip and seriously contemplated sneaking into the bathroom and relapsing.
Dammit I really can't go any longer without it, I need it. The blood, the pain, all of it. Fuck! I can't ever stop again.
Just thinking about how his scars are fading was enough to send another massive wave of need that made itself known under his skin, clawing to be marked. To be sliced open with that refreshing sting and-
With new fever, Harry un-burrowed himself and hastily made his way off the bed towards the bedroom door.
If I can just be quiet then Draco won't hear me…
He paused. Draco… What would Draco think?
Fuck Harry cried in utter distraught.
No no no I can't deal with this right now. I just need to- He let out a choked sound as he leaned his head against the bedroom door, hands all twitchy as they switched from clenching to finding something to pull. I have to do this, I can't go any longer, cant stop. He’ll understand…. He has to! Harry was close to hysterical at that last sentence.
Deep down he knows that Draco would be so disappointed in him. He wouldn't see it the way Harry does. He’d see it as a bad thing.
Harry didn't realize that he had been slightly banging his head against the door in semblance of some type of pain during his inner conflict. He can't hurt Draco like that, he loves him way too much. Such an amazing person like Draco shouldn't have to deal with a shit show boyfriend that's so mentally fucked up, he has the need to fucking cut himself multiple times a week to even function. No one would…
It's fine, I won't tell him so he won't know. I hid it for the first 2 years of our relationship, I can do it again! I know how he works now.
Mind made up, Harry desperately pulled at the door handle with shaky hands and swung the door open only to come face first with Draco who had his hand up looking as if he was about to knock.
Harry froze just as Draco did as he took in Harry’s condition. Somehow Harry’s brain decided to do a 180 for before Draco could even get a thought in, Harry’s face contorted into one of complete anguish before burying his face into his boyfriend's chest and clung to him for dear life.
Without hesitation, Draco hugged the ravenet back and gently asked ‘’Hey, hey it’s okay. What’s wrong love?’’
Harry just clenched onto his shirt even tighter and tried to keep his breathing even. Sensing that something wasn't right Draco silently brought them over to the bed never once letting go of Harry.
Draco was thankful that Harry was at least compliant as he tried his best to maneuver them around so Harry didn't have to let go of the grounding he so clearly needed. Draco managed to sit back up against the headboard with Harry’s head nuzzled in the crook of his neck sitting on his knees.
Draco patiently waited for his love to get a hold of his breathing and whatever was going on as he threaded his fingers trough Harry’s hair. Harry occasionally gripped harder at his shirt or unclenched it at seemingly random moments. It was every time that Harry got another huge urge or thought that he gripped harder or when he didn't think he could hold himself back any longer. The urge to slash open his skin was constantly at full force for the past while leaving it hopeless to even try to distract himself. The only thing stopping him from rushing to the bathroom was the knowledge that if he went to pull away Draco would definitely keep him there.
When it was clear that Harry wasn't getting any better after a few minutes Draco started to really get worried. Removing his hand from Harry’s hair Draco softly unfolded each of Harry’s fingers off from his shirt before grabbing his wrist and soothingly rubbing them with his thumb.
‘’Are you okay Harry? Did something happen?’’ He murmured in concern.
Draco was promptly taken aback by Harry’s reaction.
The second Harry felt hands touching his wrist he cringed but when he felt rubbing on top of his already tingling wrist who were begging to bleed he freaked out and yanked his arms back in a rush.
No no no no that made it worse…. He panicked, holding his wrist up to his chest trying to back away.
‘’Okay no touching your arms I got it, you're okay Harry shhhh’’ Draco hesitantly touched his shoulder, gripping the green-eyed boy a little so he didn't crawl back any further and fall off the bed.
‘’N-no stop. Not there, please… I just can’t, makes it...I'm sorry, I'm sorry’’ Harry brokenly chanted. Staring down at the bed with unfocused eyes.
Draco was starting to panic and worry with such a violent reaction. He observed Harry with furrowed eyebrows trying to figure out what was going on. He caught sight of what he thinks, because the only light in this room is from the hallway coming through the half-open door, are a few droplets of blood on Harry's shoulder. His concern grew even more. Why wasn't he okay with me touching his arms? Makes it more what?
‘’You have no reason to apologize love, okay? Just look at me and follow my breathing okay? You need to relax before you hurt yourself.’’
Harry felt guilt wash over him at the fact that Draco was so worried about him being hurt when all he wants to do right now is hurt himself. Harry felt his one hand be held as another on one held his cheek lifting his head up. Watching Draco he tried matching his own breathing to Draco’s as much as he could but his head wasn't focused on that right now. He shook his head after a few tries and grabbed his wrist in one hand and squeezed. So close to losing his mind like a mad man. He felt so frustrated he wanted to cry.
‘’Please, I need it! Please!’’ He pleaded out in utter need.
It was then and there that Draco understood what was going on. His heart shattered at the pain in Harry’s voice, the pure begging and need in his voice as if he would die without it. And unknowingly to Draco, that's exactly how Harry felt. How could anyone feel such a need to hurt themselves? He wishes he knew or even understood what Harry has to go through. Drugs he could understand someone's need to have them, why it's so hard to recover from such an addiction, it gave them a high, a buzz and made them feelgood but not this. Not slicing one's own skin. How could pain be an addiction?
‘’Ohh Harry, you really don't.’’ Draco was close to tears as he pulled his distraught boyfriend to his chest in an embrace. His heart going out to the sweet soul in his arms.
‘’You don't understand! I do…’’ Harry rasped out. ‘’ I cant… cant keep going on without it! I n-need it, I'll go mad if I don't, please stop making me suffer even more’’ Banging his head against Draco's chest. He knew it was unfair to acuse Draco of such a thing, he's the one helping him more then ever but he can't help it at the moment.
‘’I-ts always there… it never goes away… please just one cut, please please please just once’’ Harry cried out even as Draco held onto him tighter, trying to get the blond to understand. Once again removing Harry’s hands from his hair he guided Harry's hand to his shirt and started rocking them both hoping it would do anything to soothe the poor boy breaking down in his arms.
As he held Harry Draco silently cried as he was forced to watch his boyfriend suffer. Felling hopeless to help as Harry sobbed out mantras of ''please''s. No matter how long it takes, however long Harry needs him, he's going to comfort his love and try his darn best to distract him from such terrible unfair urges.