Chapter Text
The album release was October 15th, titled ‘Clarity’ with twelve tracks. The main title track was ‘Arrow’ in Korean with the English name ‘Shoot’. It featured Yuta, Taeil, Hendery, Jisung, Jaehyun, Chenle and Johnny. The secondary title track ‘Seasphere’, which featured Kun, Haechan, Ten, Renjun, Winwin and Doyoung. It would start its promotion one week after Arrow did.
They broke records as they usually did, much to Kun’s disbelief, as they were already doing so well it was hard to imagine that things could get any better. Arrow smashed the 24-hour view record and while Seasphere was a little lower, it was just as warmly received.
The night before the album and release of the Arrow MV, Kun found himself unable to sleep. It wasn’t the throbbing pain in his foot that was keeping him up for once but the countdown to when people would be listening to his music. It wasn’t that Kun was afraid no one would like it – everyone around him encouraged him enough to at least be confident in himself as a producer. But Kun was a perfectionist. He couldn’t just settle for an okay song, a forgettable track from an ‘idol producer’ that only the fans would hype up but receive no acclaim elsewhere. Seasphere had to be special and memorable because Kun had poured blood, sweat and tears into it more than any composition he had done in his life.
Rain Day had 9 draft versions, but Seasphere had more than twenty. Kun had found himself going over each layer countless times, checking the harmonies, the mixing and constantly barraging his producer friends for help and advice. It could not be anything less than perfect.
While Kun knew that it was unrealistic for everyone to love it – NCT was known for having polarising releases, he still wasn’t sure if he could stomach comments and articles criticising his work, his baby.
It was two AM and Kun was still hunched over his desk, listening to Seasphere, trying to check for any mistakes and errors despite knowing damn well that it was totally out of his hands. The CDs were already in the albums! He’d tried everything possible to not succumb to his anxiety – taking a bath, exercising, meditation, aromatherapy, watching TV but he couldn’t focus on anything else.
A sleepless night was undoubtedly headed his way and he would turn up to the NCT2022 countdown live feeling rougher than sandpaper. When Kun reached a stage where even he was getting sick of listening to Seasphere, he decided to change his environment. Leave his room, get some air. Have some human interaction if anyone else was still awake. Enough was enough, he thought to himself, finally powering off his monitor.
He wanted to see where Louis and Leon were, they were good for destressing. The living room and kitchen was utterly silent so Kun tiptoed down the hallway (wincing in pain), avoiding the creaky plank, to the most likely location, Ten’s room.
There was light shining through the open slit of the door, left open most probably for the cats. If they were living here long-term, it might’ve been a good idea to get cat-flaps installed on their room doors. Kun raised a hand to knock softly on the door, then hesitated.
It wasn’t that things had been weird between them, but rather Kun was making things weird himself. The incident had forced him to admit to himself that he indeed had feelings, rather strong ones at that, for Ten.
There was no more pretending that his heart didn’t jump when Ten glanced at him or that he wasn’t hyperaware of where Ten’s attention was. That his urge for Ten to notice him extended beyond platonic. That their bickering didn’t bring him a little too much joy and he probably gave Ten one too many fond looks when he thought no one else was watching.
And Ten saying he’d always be there for Kun awakened a new hunger in him that hadn’t previously there. Now Kun was eager to get more, however and whenever he could, no matter the outcome. He didn’t want to hold back anymore. But there was no guarantee someone like Ten would want him. While Kun was confident in many things, he was still insecure when it came to matching up with Ten. Part of him fought to try and the other part of him begged Kun to quash these feeling before they got out of hand.
But he did really want to see the cats (and Ten, of course). So he rapped his knuckles on the door.
“It’s me,” he said. “Are the cats here?”
There wasn’t any response. Kun pushed the door open from the outside, trying to indicate to Ten someone was trying to come in.
“Yangyang?” came Ten’s voice.
“No, it’s me.” Kun said, louder this time. “Sorry, were you asleep?”
There was the groan of bedsprings and footsteps as Ten came and opened the door. He was in a loose vest and shorts (his usual fare), showing off all his tattoos. He had headphones in.
They looked at each other and to his horror, Kun could feel his cheeks warming. He desperately hoped it wasn’t noticeable in the dim light.
“Uh, I was here for the cats,” he said. Ten nodded and moved aside for Kun to step through, shutting the door gently after.
His iPad was on the bed, a sketch on the screen. Louis was on the bed, curled up by the pillow and Leon and Levi were in the cat bed, both fast asleep. Kun moved to them, kneeling and burying his face in Louis, inhaling that comforting cat smell.
“Why are you still up?” Kun asked. He was a night owl but Ten normally wasn’t up quite as late as him.
“Just really wanted to finish what I was drawing.” Ten knelt down next to him, and began petting Louis too. “You?”
“Can’t sleep. Thinking about the album release and all that,” Kun admitted, with difficulty. “I know it’s silly but I’m still scared no one will like Seasphere.” Louis rolled over and stretched, exposing his belly. The two of them had both seen it a thousand times but it was still adorable.
“You are being silly,” Ten replied. “Rain Day was fine. This will be even better.”
Kun pursed his lips, trying to hide his smile. Part of him wanted to thank Ten but also felt shy to do so.
“We should go to bed soon,” he said instead. His eyelids were heavy and drooping and Ten’s room was warm and smelled nice. Ten hummed in agreement.
The last thing Kun remembered was sitting on the floor, head resting on Ten’s mattress. He must have drifted off like that. At some point he recalled being pulled up and settling somewhere else and lying down and the vague sensation of covers being pulled over him.
Light tapered through his eyelids as he awoke and Kun blinked, disorientated. Ah. It was Ten’s room. He was in Ten’s bed, it seemed. The warm weight by his feet – it must be one of the cats.
But there was also the warm weight next to him, from shoulder to waist. Kun was facing the wall and Ten was facing the opposite side, back pressed against his, curled up with feet pressing on Kun’s calves.
The panic set in as his drowsiness dissipated. He couldn’t breathe. What time was it? Was Yangyang up? Kun could hear muted noise outside so he supposed so.
So Ten had let Kun sleep in his bed when Kun dozed off here last night and instead of going to sleep in Kun’s room, he had just…decided to sleep next to him? That didn’t make sense at all.
Ten had snatched half the blankets so Kun tried to turn around slowly as he could to get more warmth. He knew he should get up. But for now he was content to enjoy the close contact and fantasise that they woke up like this every day.
Get a grip, Qian Kun.
Ten, ever the light sleeper, stirred slightly as Kun finished moving around, effectively spooning him. He fought the urge to put his arm over Ten’s waist. It wasn’t even a double bed. Really, why was Ten here too?
After a few minutes, Kun could feel himself dozing off again and was about to give in to the lull of sleep when Ten shifted and turned round, so he was facing Kun. Kun’s breath caught in his throat.
They were only mere inches apart when Ten’s eyelids opened halfway. He didn’t seem shocked or react in any way at Kun being so close to him. He burrowed himself into Kun, much like the cats till his head was pressed to Kun’s chest. Then the bastard began snoring lightly, fast asleep again.
Kun’s heart was beating out his chest. Surely it was okay to do this now? Reaching his hand out Kun tucked his arm around Ten, pulling him in closer.
Kun was an only child. He was good at fantasising. Ten liked him back, Kun fantasised. And then he fell asleep too, the scent of Ten’s hair surrounding him.
*
When Kun woke up, he was not surprised to find the bed empty. It was unlikely they were going to talk about it. Kun didn’t have the nerve to bring it up himself either.
Ten took a different car to the comeback live with Yangyang and Hendery. Kun tried his best not read into it. Ten had days where he clung to Yangyang quite often.
The day passed quickly as Kun found himself on autopilot the entire time, covering his nervousness with a strained smile, desperately praying for the countdown live to finish.
While they were all getting their makeup done, Jungwoo pranced over to Kun.
“Long time no see, Kun-ge!” he chirped. “We haven’t gone out to eat for ages. You’re always doing things.”
“So are you,” Kun retorted, upper face perfectly still as his lips moved. He’d long mastered that skill for their make-up artist. “You literally just got back from another world tour.”
“World tour, schmorld tour,” Jungwoo dismissed. “Are you done yet?” A few more brushstrokes on his eyelids and Kun jumped up, thanked the make-up noona and let Jungwoo pull him outside the corridor and to the stairwell, where no one else was.
Kun felt that stabbing pain begin to emerge again. Good timing. He needed to go retake his meds before the live anyway. They talked for a bit, catching up with each other when Jungwoo frowned.
“Are you injured, hyung?” he asked, out of the blue.
“Not that I’m aware of?” Kun answered him, heart sinking. “I feel fine.” He willed his face not to betray him. He could feel the hair on the back of his neck stand up.
“Oh, you just looked like you were limping a bit,” Jungwoo said. “As long as you’re all good.”
“We should get going,” Kun suggested. “Or let’s take a selca first, for Instagram.”
They took a few photos and then Kun pretended to need the toilet. He shut himself in one of the cubicles and wrangled two of the painkillers from the foil packet, swallowing them dry. When he opened the door, he startled.
Ten was standing right outside, arms crossed and eyes narrowed. Had he heard the sound of the packet rustling? Kun debated between explaining or just not saying anything.
“Are you following me?” Kun scoffed dramatically instead, walking over to the sink. “Go on, pee if you need to.”
Ten didn’t say anything, nor did his face betray any emotion. He pursed his lips and headed into the cubicle soundlessly.
Whatever. Kun had himself to worry about for now. Ten could be dealt with another time.
The second they were free to go and the live ended, Kun wanted to dash back to the car and go home but they had to take photos, greet other members that he hadn’t seen earlier.
Like a proud dad, he watched Dejun, Hendery and Yangyang mingle easily with all the NCT members, no longer three shy little kittens huddled in the corner like they’d been in 2020.
Someone (Kun guessed Doyoung) had ordered what looked like a hundred cups of coffee and Kun went to get one. He was tired and thirsty. But then some kind of hubbub broke out and there were raised voices so Kun went towards the source of the sound.
As usual, the centre of attention were the most extroverted members, Johnny, Haechan and Jungwoo. Ten was amongst them as well, interjecting too. Kun knew, he knew that he was being irrational but his heart still protested at the sight of Ten laughing with Johnny, face radiant.
In fact, Kun was so preoccupied with this and that, he hadn’t drunk anything the entire day, much less gone to the toilet and his throat was dryer than the Sahara when they got home.
He needed to drink immediately, or he would end up with a sore throat. He couldn’t risk that with promotions. Kun shuffled to the kitchen in his slippers when he realised. His feet…they didn’t hurt that badly. Was he just imagining it or had the pain dulled, from a persistent stabbing to a background tingle?
Perhaps a curse would weaken and fade on his own? Kun pursed his lips in thought before desperately downing his glass of water. As the cool water slid down his throat, rehydrating him, the pain shot back up.
Ah. Of course. Water.
Kun hadn’t drank all day. The pain had then weakened. He let out a sigh. So there was a way to potentially break it. By dying of thirst.
So, nothing helpful then.
Kun thought about the boxes of painkillers he was hoarding in his secret snack drawer, hidden inside an empty box of butter biscuits. It really didn’t seem healthy or feasible to live like this forever. But what else could he do? He had to hold out for promotions, at the very least. Maybe afterwards he could tell the members. Let Ten know the truth.
It made him feel a little guilty to be lying to Ten. But Kun was doing fine. Not great, but he was managing the situation just fine.
Or so he thought, until the painkillers began to take longer and longer to kick in, as well as lasting for shorter and shorter durations of time. His body was beginning to accommodate the constant dose of meds it was on and overriding the painkillers. Or maybe it was the curse itself quelling any interference.
As a result, Kun had to grit his teeth and cut down on the tool that had made life convenient. He reserved them for music show performances and the latter half of dance practice, if he really couldn’t hold the pain in any longer. He was exclusively taking the strongest meds he could find now, the over-the-counter meds didn’t even touch the pain.
Beside Jungwoo, no one seemed to pick up on anything. Kun, in a rare move, forwent his usual baggy t-shirt and tracksuit bottoms for a tank top and knee-length shorts. The pain made him sweat far more than usual. He prided himself on his immunity to the heat (and constantly disappointing his fans who expected him to wear less in the sweltering heat).
There had been a bit of teasing about it but Kun lied easily enough, citing his increased gym visits as the reason. He was channelling his inner Dejun and showing off his body a little. It wasn’t all lies. Kun was almost living in the gym as of now. He figured he had to try and keep healthy as possible with his ‘condition’. For one, he wasn’t particularly keen on finding out how illness would affect him, in combination with a mermaid curse.
“Sexy boy,” cooed Winwin in English, squeezing his bicep. Somewhere near them, Haechan yelped, probably due to violence of Renjun origins. “You should tell the stylists to let you show more skin.”
“I’ve shown skin before,” Kun said absently. “My abs aren’t a secret.”
“But not in music shows, right?” Ten said. He suddenly appeared and pressed his palms against Kun’s abs. This was so normal in NCT that no one reacted. “You should copy me.”
“Being naked is your thing, not mine,” Kun replied primly, removing Ten’s hand. “I’m not an exhibitionist.” Winwin scratched his head in confusion at the unfamiliar word.
“How do you even know that word in Korean?” Ten said, flabbergasted. “You’re a pervert.”
“Takes one to know one,” Kun countered, cheeks flushing. “You knew what it meant!”
“If you have a sexy body, you should show it off,” Ten breezily said, fanning himself with his loose vest, showing off his own very sexy body. “The fans would love it.” Never mind the fans. Kun loved it when glimpses of Ten’s tattoos could be seen through his shirt. But let him stay on track.
“Are you saying I’m sexy?” Kun exclaimed, excited to catch Ten in the act of praising him casually. He waited for Ten’s usual rebuttal, a dismissive remark.
“N-no! You’re ugly as that squashed pigeon we saw on the road this morning!” Ten babbled and bounded away to insert himself between an arguing Renjun and Haechan.
“Now if that’s not weird, I don’t know what it,” Sicheng quipped. “Looks like you caught Ten-hyung off-guard.”
“Off-guard about what?” Kun demanded. And then it dawned on him. “Sicheng, shut up!”
“What? I’m not making anything up,” Sicheng defended himself resolutely. “You two are acting weird.”
“We’re not any weirder than the rest of you,” Kun grumbled but Sicheng just shrugged as if to say ‘your problem’.
*
Kun pulled the first MCountdown performance off without a hitch. The painkillers did their job and Kun performed like he’d never been cursed to feel like he was treading on knives with every step.
The stage was beautiful. Blue light recreated the shimmer of the ocean floor and large shells, fake coral and gossamer streamers were used to add to the ‘seasphere’ imagery Kun had wanted. Even the styling was on point and matched the concept well. They were garbed in billowy shirts of various colours with loose trousers to match, some people’s fabric noticeably sheerer than the others (Ten, of course). The other stage outfit, which had been used in the music video was the one that was driving fans crazy, essentially a mermaid outfit. It was ironic how close to the truth things were, Kun thought.
Crop tops and baggy trousers were used to recreate the look of a mermaid, with strips of fabric sewed onto their belts so every spin resulted in the fabric fluttering out. Make-up was dreamy too, shades of blue, pink and purple eyeshadow, red lips and pearls glued around their eyes.
Kun could hardly keep his eyes off Ten, who had forgone a crop top entirely and was just shirtless. He had been wearing a t-shirt in the waiting room earlier but was now showing his new tattoo (between his shoulder blades) to Renjun and Haechan, which for some reason needed his entire shirt to be off.
Kun couldn’t help but take smug pride in the fact he had seen it first. It was Ten’s own design as usual but there were a few ocean motifs on it.
“Inspired by me?” Kun had said coyly, tracing a finger feather-soft over the lines. It was fresh, skin red and Ten jumped at the touch.
“Not you specifically,” Ten said, not turning around. “Just what happened.”
God, he wanted to kiss Ten’s tattoo. With a smile, Kun pressed a finger to his lips and touched it lightly to the tattoo. It would be his secret.
When it was time for pre-recording, everyone huddled into a circle for a group cheer. Not entirely surprised, Kun found gazes drifting to him.
“To a successful pre-recording today and everyone staying healthy for Seasphere promotions!” Kun declared. “Fighting!”
They wrapped up smoothly and it all went without a hitch. Kun spent more time than usual looking at the fans in the audience, wanting to see their reactions, having to practically be tugged offstage.
They filed into the waiting room to monitor their stage, all sweaty. It was one thing to dance in the practice room and another to see it on stage, in all its glory. Maybe Kun blinked a few times to stop his tears of pride. All his hard work finally amounting to something.
“Shall we go out for dinner?” Doyoung suggested. “Before we get even busier with live music shows.”
As soon as Doyoung said this, Kun could predict what was going to happen. One could argue Kun was just as bullied by the members but Doyoung set himself up just a modicum more often than Kun.
“Hyung will be treating us, right?” Haechan said, without missing a beat. “Let’s go for Korean beef.”
Doyoung’s face morphed into panic.
“For your favourite dongsaeng?” Renjun joined in beseechingly, fluttering his lashes.
Kun stayed silent and started removing his make-up slowly. He wasn’t about to get involved in the outcome of this.
That was until:
“Shouldn’t Kun treat us?” Ten said slyly. Doyoung gaped, possibly in shock that Ten was helping him for once, albeit to attack someone else. “He’ll be getting all these royalties from Seasphere.”
“Yeah, you’ll be richer than all of us soon,” said the traitor, more commonly known as Sicheng. “Kun-ge should pay today.”
“That’s right!” Doyoung joined in hotly. “Why do I always have to pay? I’m not even the oldest here. Kun is!”
Kun sighed deeply, his face now make-up free. Six faces grinned at him devilishly.
“Fine, but we’re not getting seafood.”
*
Dinner was a short but merry affair, with everyone wanting to go home and catch as much sleep or relaxation time before they had to be up at 5am for broadcast. They went to eat mala hotpot which was hardly a luxurious meal so Kun could breathe easy and pay without sweating.
“Night,” called Sicheng as they got back to the dorms, no doubt off to go and game. “See you at the ass-crack of dawn.”
Kun turned to bid Ten goodnight with a smile. Even though he had to pay for dinner, he couldn’t suppress a huge grin at the thought of promoting Seasphere for the next two weeks. His song!
“Goodnight, Qinqin,” he said in Chinese and watched Ten avoid his gaze, eyes travelling to stare at the ground. He was just about to ask if something was wrong, when Ten ran forwards and tackled him into a tight hug.
“Good job,” Ten said in a garbled rush then immediately ran away, quite literally sprinting into his room.
Kun almost sank to his knees in the middle of the corridor. What was that? What the heck was that?
He stood there gormlessly for a minute straight. So there was another thing to add to the long list of things he and Ten would seemingly never talk about.
It was time for bed.
*
Kun was struggling. Sweat beaded under his hairline and rolled down his nose, chin and the back of his neck. He exhaled raggedly, trying to reduce the breathing noises on the mic so no one else realised just how inordinately breathless he was from the first two takes.
Nothing seemed to be working on his feet right now and the doctor had told Kun the painkillers he had were the strongest – the next step-up would be morphine, which was ridiculous.
Kun had resorted to traditional Chinese medicine instead, but it wasn’t doing much except make his poop green. His only resorts now were meditation and mind control. He’d watched a documentary on this guy who could withstand bathing in freezing water by hypnotising himself to not feel any pain. Kun was sure he could do it too! He was absolutely not desperate.
The next five minutes of recording were akin to dancing on top of the flames of hell. Kun was praying there were no sweat stains coming through his shirt and that his pained grimace translated to dreamy anguish in a manner that suited the concept. To top it all off, it was his ending fairy as well. He fired off an imaginary arrow into the crowd, a nod to their other title track and was holding his breath so hard his head was pulsing.
As soon as the shot ended, he burst out gasping uncontrollably, bent over and clutching his sides. His feet were almost numb but he could still feel a dull throbbing ache accompanied by sharp stabbing pains every time his foot impacted the ground.
They moved out of the ending position to line up and thank the fans. Kun committed a grave error and stumbled, a knee hitting the ground. Doyoung caught him before he fell properly but Kun could already feel a prickle on his neck.
Without a doubt, it was Ten’s eyes piercing into him. Desperately, he hoped no fans would be speculating about his accident on social media afterwards.
The next music show started in a similar vein, with immense pain and anxiety. Only muscle memory was keeping Kun through it. He should be enjoying comeback season but now he couldn’t wait until the goodbye stage and for it to all be over because his feet hurt more and more each day.
He finished the stage, only to find he could not physically move his feet at all. They weren’t obeying him whatsoever, rooted to the spot. His body only caught up when Renjun nudged him into line and his knees buckled, almost taking him to the ground. With great effort, Kun stiffly walked back to the waiting room and sunk into a stupor until it was time for the award ceremony.
Which they…won?
“…and the winner is NCT U’s Seasphere!” The trophy and microphone were being pressed into Kun’s hand when he finally realised it was his turn to speak. Doyoung had thankfully rattled off the usual acceptance speech in Korean, leaving Kun the easy task of delivering it in Mandarin. The shock hit him and his eyes started stinging. The confetti had just got him in the eye, that was why.
He'd left his home to come to another country and now his efforts as a songwriter were being acknowledged. To his left, Sicheng nodded at Kun, with toothy smile. Ten flashed him a grin as well.
Kun found himself in the middle of a group hug, being lifted of all things for the encore. Adrenaline carried him through and Kun’s smile was so tightly plastered to his face his cheeks were hurting, but he couldn’t stop. He wanted to call his parents and tell them he’d finally done it.
He bowed to everyone for the umpteenth time and they lined up to walk off stage when the mermaid curse hit him again.
“Fuck,” he muttered under his breath, his idol filter failing him for once. Kun knew he was going to fall flat on his face, even as his weight began to sway backwards, only to end up letting out a little gasp as someone rushed up behind him, taking his weight.
“I’ve got you,” said Ten, an arm around Kun’s waist. Oh no. Ten wasn’t meant to notice. That wasn’t part of the plan. No one was meant to be worrying about him.
“I’m sorry,” Kun whispered, not sure exactly what he was apologizing for.
“Later,” Ten dismissed with a jerk of his head, helping Kun get offstage. His palm was burning a brand onto Kun. Sicheng also noticed something was off and came to support Kun’s other side so he was barely putting weight down. He had to resist the urge to sigh with relief.
Haechan sidled up to them as well, eyes full of concern.
“Kun-hyung…?” His tone finished the question.
“Don’t worry, Haechan-ah,” Kun reassured, “It’s nothing important.”
At that, the grip of Ten’s hand tightened noticeably around him. They said a few words to the manager filming their waiting room vlog and packed up ready to get into the car. Renjun and Doyoung also checked in with Kun and he swept their worries aside, fibbing about a twisted ankle and some foot cramps.
“Everyone ready?” Doyoung called.
Kun had put his coat on and had begun to hobble over to everyone when Ten reappeared in front of him and shoved him back down onto his chair. It would have been hot in another context.
“You stay there,” Ten commanded brusquely, no room for debate in his voice as the rest of the members filtered out the room, save for one manager. “I talked to the managers. You’re going to hospital.”
“I don’t need to go,” Kun protested feebly but shut up when Ten glared at him with full force, eyes narrowed. “We have more schedules in the afternoon though…”
Part of him feared what the doctors would find. If it was explainable by human means.
“We can still make it,” Ten dismissed and tugged Kun up. “If we hurry up and get a taxi now.”
“We?” Kun repeated, bemused. “You’re coming too?”
“Only because I don’t trust you!” Ten snapped, looking to the side. “You lied to me.”
Kun didn’t refute that, he was too busy trying to stand up. He tried to take one step forward and completely doubled over in agony and collapsed onto his knees, unable to stop himself cursing out loud.
He couldn’t live like this; it was going to end his career if he couldn’t dance. His carefully tempered emotions rose to the surface – the frustration, despair and anger at his situation almost bubbling over.
“Kun, you…” Ten breathed out heavily, but he looked like he was on the verge of shouting at Kun. “Change of plan, Jianyue-ge has his car in the carpark, everyone else will take a taxi back. He’s waiting right outside the exit.”
“I really don’t need all this fuss,” Kun insisted, bracing a hand against the floor to stand. “We only have two music shows left anyway.”
“This isn’t us fussing,” Ten grabbed him by the shoulders and pushed him back down, looking right through him. “This is your member showing a normal level of concern about you when you keep taking care of everyone around you except yourself!”
It felt like Ten was always mad at him recently. Maybe Kun should re-evaluate his approach to the situation. He didn’t want Ten to look worried and be angry on his behalf.
You are so whipped, said a voice in his head that sounded suspiciously like Chenle.
But Kun was also stubborn. Last time he had already reassured Ten after he’d been worried about Kun. For fuck’s sake, he was just trying to keep his career together! It felt like he should apologise, but Kun didn’t want to.
Deep down, a voice in his head whispered that he just didn’t want to face reality. The possibility he really might have to give up as an idol if this curse didn’t resolve.
Kun sat in the waiting room uneasily. The doctor had called him in and Ten had to help him into the consultation room. He’d had his foot examined and the doctor had been baffled. It wasn’t tender to touch but standing on them was the issue. They’d taken his blood and done an x-ray, so here he was, sitting in silence with Ten.
“I’m coming in when the doctor next calls you in,” said Ten suddenly, breaking the tension. Kun glanced at him, an eyebrow raised.
“Do I not have the right to medical confidentiality or…?” he said, crossing his arms.
“Well, whatever. Go in alone. But I’m still having a word with the doctor.” Ten stood up, stretching slightly. They’d barely been here an hour, given they were at some private hospital rather than a general one. “How do I know you’re not going to lie about what the doctor says?”
“Glad to know you trust me,” Kun retorted, his heart sinking slightly. Ten was not entirely wrong. But he still didn’t like the way Ten was treating him, as if he were a child. Was he acting childish?
The doctor called him in again, still looking bemusedly at Kun, eyebrows furrowed above her mask.
“Doctor, may I come in and speak to you at the end?” Ten asked sweetly, arm around Kun’s waist. Of course, she said yes.
“So, we’ve got the result of your x-ray. It’s totally normal,” the doctor said, showing him the black and white image of his feet. “It was to be expected but it means we can rule out any fractures.”
“That’s a good thing, I’m guessing?” Kun said.
“Yes,” the doctor assured him. “Your bloods are mostly normal except one result. There’s something called the CRP which measures the inflammation in your body. We found it to be higher than expected.” She pulled up a table with all sorts of results for things Kun didn’t know the meaning of.
“Normally we’d expect it to be under five but yours is here at almost 100.” The doctor sighed. “I talked to my colleagues as well and we’re not entirely sure what’s causing your pain in both your feet. It could be inflammation of your nerves that’s causing the pain and this raised CRP but because you’re so young, it’s very strange.”
“So, what do you recommend I do about it then?” Kun pressed on. He wasn’t at all surprised they didn’t have an answer for a supernatural cause.
“I’d like to do further investigation in the form of a nerve conduction study to check it isn’t a problem with impulses. But otherwise, we’ll have to focus on treating the symptoms, rather than the cause. Which is tricky given how pain meds haven’t been working that well for you. But you’ve also been so busy, so I strongly recommend you take two weeks of rest.”
Which is not happening, Kun thought to himself. No way was he going to sit out on the promotions of his song.
“I only have a week or so left of promotions,” he heard himself say, slightly too fast. “I really want to do that. Could I just finish that, before resting?”
The doctor let out a long ‘hmm’. It didn’t sound like an optimistic ‘hmm’ either.
“With all due respect, Kun-ssi. You can’t even walk at the moment. Your teammate had to help you into the room and when I asked you to stand for me, you couldn’t. I’m not sure how you can perform well in those circumstances.”
“Is that a yes or no?” Kun said. Oh god, he sounded so rude. “I’m sorry, it just really means a lot to me to be able to perform.”
“I’m aware of that,” the doctor said. “But from what you’ve told me, the pain has been getting worse, probably from doing more. I’m a doctor, so I’m always going to ask you to put your health first. I don’t want to see you pushing it further.”
“Surely I can take anti-inflammatory medication?” Kun pushed on, his nails digging into his palms. No way this was happening. If only Ten didn’t force him to hospital then he wouldn’t have doctor’s orders telling him to rest. No, he couldn’t fully blame Ten. He should have hidden things better.
“Kun-ssi…”
“I’ve read about steroid injections,” Kun said desperately. “You can get them right into your joints, can’t you? That could tide me over for next week. Please.”
The doctor shook her head.
“I can give you a steroid injection to help with the pain. But for your best interest, I would not advise you to perform.”
“Thank you,” Kun said. Maybe he could still lie his way out of this if he could get Ten to not come in. “I’d rather not have my teammate – the guy with me, come in. If that’s alright.”
“Is that because you’re thinking of ignoring what I say and performing anyway?” The doctor chided. Because she could walk and he could barely crawl, Kun was powerless to do anything as she walked over to call Ten in.
As soon as the door closed, Ten started talking like his mouth had a motor attached to it.
“I’m not asking you to disclose Kun’s medical information to me,” he started. “But I just want to say Kun’s been hiding this injury for months and I’m afraid he’s going to lie to me about whatever you told him and tell me he’s fine to perform when I actually bet he isn’t, because he’s a stubborn idiot.”
Kun at least had the decency to look guilty. But he couldn’t help the tightening of his stomach. Why was this happening now, of all times?
“I strongly recommend for Kun-ssi to rest for the next two weeks minimum, until his pain improves,” the doctor said and with that, sealed Kun’s fate.
Kun didn’t hear the rest of the conversation between them. It was over. Ten wouldn’t let him perform. Neither would the managers. Or the members. He wasn’t going to get to perform.
Was he about to cry? No, he was too angry right now to cry. Kun didn’t say another word, remaining tight-lipped all the way home. He thanked Ten for helping him but that was as much as he spoke.
*
The sadness finally overrode the anger when he got home. It hadn’t hit him that this was the end of promotions for him. The worst part of it was that he felt silly and childish. He should take a break. He would have been just as furious as Ten if any other of the members were doing what he was. Maybe he would have the opportunity to promote his own song in the future.
But it was still upsetting and frustrating all the same! Maybe it was just two piddly music show performances but Kun wanted to be able to look back at the clips in the future and see himself in all the performances for Seasphere. Who knew if this unit could even perform together again?
He got out the car himself, almost falling over in pain and stomped (or hopped) his way to the elevator, not waiting for anyone. Why did he have to be so sensible? Even amidst his tantrum Kun felt bad for inconveniencing everyone. He didn’t want to explain it was because of the mermaid. But then everyone would think he was irresponsible and didn’t get his injury checked out. Now everyone would have to immediately rush to practice to adjust positions to perform without him. They were probably all gonna be mad at him deep down, but would be too nice to show it, given he was ‘injured’.
Forget that. He just needed some time to cry, to scream, to get over it. Then he would resume his status as Qian Kun, responsible leader and adult.
He could hear Ten and the manager rushing toward the elevator.
Fuck it, he thought and staggered up the stairs instead, eyes watering from a combination of pain and frustration.
He made it into the flat first and took the biggest strides possible to his room, slamming the door and collapsed onto the floor, his back resting on the doorframe.
For the next five minutes, Kun proceeded to cry (as quietly as he could, the walls weren’t that soundproof). Funnily enough, his fingers itched to express this emotion as a melody on the piano. He fumbled his way to his desk chair, put his noise-cancelling headphones on and got to work. If anyone knocked on his door, he actually couldn’t hear them.
So no, he wasn’t purposely ignoring anyone, he reasoned.
Three hours later, Kun let out a groan of frustration. Even with his emotions driving his creative process – it still didn’t sound right. Something was missing. He had been needing to pee for the past hour but hadn’t wanted to stand up, given the pain had subsided with how focused he was.
He wanted to just close the file but dutifully saved it and put it in his folder of works in progress. Bracing himself, Kun stood up and tried not to curse. The pain was still intense, but not unbearable like earlier.
Praying no one would talk to him in the hallway, he left his room as quietly as possible. Yangyang’s door was thankfully shut, but Ten’s was ajar as usual, leaving space for the cats.
Kun’s steps were clumsy and the landing let out a creak as he passed by.
“Kun?” He heard Ten say questioningly but kept silent.
After relieving his bladder, Kun was met with the urge to run the bath. Water. Wet. He just felt a strong pull to be underwater, perhaps from the curse.
He waited for the bathtub to fill and began shedding his clothes. The sensation was like hunger, some sort of craving. When the bath was half-full, he couldn’t resist anymore and climbed in.
Oh. It felt exquisite. His head went blissfully blank and when Kun came to, the silvery tail was splayed out in front of him, but for once, it didn’t invoke any feelings of dread. He just felt at peace. The pain in his legs had vanished, probably since he didn’t have any. Kun relaxed and gravity caused his back to slide further down, until his head was underwater. Breathing through his gills felt so natural and easy.
Bit by bit, the song he’d been working on came back to him and he hummed to himself. No sound emerged, only bubbles, but he could hear it in his mind just fine.
It was the first real peace Kun had felt for weeks. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been in for, till he heard knocking. Being in the water was so relaxing that the whole night could have passed without him knowing. He was so out of it that he even forgot he was still mad at Ten.
“Is it urgent,” he called drowsily. “Just a couple more minutes…”
“Kun?” It was Ten again. “Are you OK? I knocked a few times but you didn’t answer. I…I didn’t know how you were feeling.” If you were mad at me, went unspoken.
He was unpleasantly plunged back into reality.
“Let’s talk without a door between us,” Kun said and found his voice surprisingly steady.
“OK, you can come in when you’re ready,” Ten said and Kun listened to his footsteps grow fainter. He let the water wash back over his face and closed his eyes.
When he came to, his feet were back. It seemed like he’d mastered switching between the two. The hour spent in mermaid form seemed to have been like therapy for his feet. With his head unclouded by pain, he went into Ten’s room. This was the right thing to do, the grown-up thing.
For the first time in a while, Kun felt unsure where he fit into this space. Before he naturally gravitated to a spot without thinking, so it was jarring to find himself standing awkwardly in the doorway as Ten set down his iPad to look at him.
“How’s your feet?” he asked. That was a mistake on Ten’s part. The self-righteous, stubborn side of Kun made its presence known.
“Fine,” Kun declared churlishly. “I managed to walk over here, didn’t I?” Ten gave him a wry smile.
Should he sit on the bed with Ten…or just sit in the desk chair? Kun hovered for a second, making an aborted motion not missed by Ten, who helped him choose by patting the spot next to him on the bed.
“What’re you doing? Just sit down.” Levi opened one sleepy eye to see who was disrupting his sleep by climbing on the mattress.
Neither of them said anything. Leon’s purrs filled the silence as Kun stroked him with restless fingers. He kept his gaze on Leon, wishing his life was that easy.
“Are you mad at me?” Ten finally said, his voice the most tentative Kun had ever heard him. Kun tried to summon up the anger he had earlier inside him but failed.
“Just for an hour,” Kun replied, scratching behind Leon’s ears. He felt the tension drop considerably. “Are you mad at me?”
“Not really,” Ten said and he finally reached out for Leon, scooping him into his arms, forcing Kun to look at him. Was it a trick of the light or were his eyes a bit puffy? “I’m not angry. I’m frustrated. I want to know how I can make it easier for you to ask for help.”
“Huh?” Kun’s heart started picking up speed. Ten looked down, fidgeting with Leon’s paws. The cats really were very convenient to have during difficult conversations.
“Last time, I said I would be here if you need help. But you still won’t reach out to get it, from me anyway. I already told you to do better. But I thought about it and…what if this is your best?” Kun must have looked like he was about to say something because Ten shushed him. “I asked myself, what can I do better to help you? Or is there someone better than me I could find to do what I can’t?”
Kun didn’t say anything, because if he did, his voice would probably be trembling. He took a moment to compose himself.
“Ten,” he said heavily. “You’re not the problem. I do need to get better at asking for help, I admit it-”
“Never thought I’d see the day,” Ten muttered under his breath, which Kun politely ignored.
“You’re just doing what I would have done,” Kun said reluctantly. “If you had tried to perform in bad condition or any of the other members, I would have been strict with them too. I shouldn’t have demanded to keep performing like a child. But you know…”
Oh no, the waterworks were starting up. Kun swallowed again.
“It feels like you forget I know what you’re going through,” Ten chided. “Everything you felt, so have I.”
“It’s different,” Kun insisted, trying to phrase it right. “I mean, yeah, you had to watch everyone be on stage while you couldn’t. But right now, I’m sitting out from a stage where I had a spot, on a song that I put my heart into and I don’t even know if there’ll be another stage…and I just wanted to do everything I could, forget it, I know it’s stupid.”
“It’s not stupid,” Ten said instantly. “Kun, it’s not stupid at all,”
Kun shook his head, feeling even guiltier.
“I know I should have spoken up about things earlier but I was just scared, you know. What if they decided to pull my song? It’s not like the company don’t have hundreds of demos ready to replace it. What if they decided to have me out of all the performances? I was selfish. Now you and everyone else is gonna have to cover for me because I made trouble for you all. I don’t know why I was mad at you. You should be madder at me, if anything.”
The words left him in a turbulent flow. Like the waves, his brain supplied sarcastically.
“You let us come to you for anything we need help with. You would never invalidate any of our worries,” Ten said, then Kun startled, because he felt Ten’s fingers touch his knee, resting his palm on it. “Don’t do it to yourself. Just let us, let me be there for you, That’s all I’m asking.”
Kun felt like a puppet on strings and someone was pulling on them so his hand reached out and held Ten’s. His hand was cold and Kun’s was sweaty. No one reacted.
I love you. I’m in love with you.
In the dim light and quiet, Kun accepted his true feelings. He was so, so in love with Ten. That made him feel vulnerable. But in this moment, it felt safe to let Ten see that side of him.
“I don’t know how,” Kun whispered so his voice wouldn’t crack. His eyes were hot with tears. Ten made a small noise in the back of his throat. “I can’t – I don’t know how to do that. I’m sorry.”
“Oh, baby,” Ten said softly. “Just let me do this.” He nudged Leon out his lap and tugged Kun into a hug.
“Let me take care of you,” he said. Then no one said anything more and Ten pretended he couldn’t feel Kun’s tears soaking his t-shirt. They stayed like that for a while, until Kun was half-asleep.
He registered vaguely that Ten seemed to have called him ‘baby’ before he nodded off.
*
Grudgingly, he sat out the final performances, but Kun still insisted on attending and monitoring the recordings. He felt sad for his fans, they were probably almost as disappointed as he was about it.
Everything seemed peachy again in the WayV household. But of course, was he really Kun if he wasn’t still withholding a secret? If Kun was watching a drama about himself, he would’ve been utterly fed up with his character by now.
Well, so what if no one knew Kun’s new coping mechanism was to sit underwater for hours at a time?
Even after promotions ended, Kun relied on transforming into mermaid form to soothe his mind and to keep the pain in his feet bearable. He didn’t want to call it an addiction but could admit to himself he was quite dependent on it.
The bathtub was failing to give him the right feeling so he’d taken to using the swimming pool out-of-hours. Even so, something still felt incomplete, in the chlorinated water. It wasn’t authentic.
Since the mermaid incident, they had never gone back to the seaside again, privately Kun thought everyone had become a bit scared of the ocean after. He was slightly guilty he may have ruined a happy place for them. But it was understandable no one wanted to risk becoming a mermaid like him…although they all believed it was resolved.
The only other crisis Kun was having was less interesting and more embarrassing than anything else. It was just the fact he was becoming very certain he was gay but was an only child. So the constant talk from relatives telling him to settle down with a nice girl and asking when he’d give his parents some grandchildren was starting to get to him. Would his parents be able to handle it? He didn’t want to be dramatic but Kun was ending his family line. Stopping their heritage.
He went through a bit of an internet spiral, looking at adoption then surrogates and then ultimately bit the bullet and called his mum.
“I might not be giving you grandchildren,” Kun had said, buzzing with nerves. His mum had hummed in response, giving him time to continue. “Mum, I’m gay.”
“Baobei,” his mum had sighed and Kun’s heart had beat violently in his chest. “You don’t have to worry about such things. Why are you worrying about things like this? You should know by now that what Mum and Dad want most is for you to be happy.”
So that had been effectively resolved. Kun supposed he couldn’t really call it a crisis any longer.
But then he’d have to focus on the real crisis – the more he thought about his urges to go to the ocean, the more it began to feel like a parody of drug addiction. Because he was almost certain he was getting withdrawal symptoms.
The urge to submerge himself underwater bordered on painful at times and when those compulsions hit him, Kun found himself agitated and fidgety, unable to concentrate on what was happening in front of him. The longer he ignored it, the worse it would get. He’d end up with a pounding headache that simply drummed harder and harder against his temples until he gave in.
The most alarming time had been when Kun had seemingly blinked and then found himself at the train station, about to travel back to that beach, where it had all started. He had zoned out sure, but never in a way like this, where there seemed to be a gap in his memories.
But Kun had it under wraps, right? Ten wasn’t worrying about him anymore, Kun was content to love Ten from afar and the pain was OK. He could live with it if things stayed this way.
Until Yangyang finally caught him in mermaid form. Then all hell broke loose again.