Chapter Text
“Never have I…masturbated whilst on a horse.” Aiden smirked, looking towards Lambert.
The youngest wolf scowled and took a drink. “One fucking time.”
Jaskier gasped in outrage, pointing an accusing finger at the Witcher. “On a horse? How, could you?”
“That’s disgusting Lamb.” Geralt scolded him, thinking about Roach and how he would never disrespect her in such a way.
“I was drunk and it was one time.” Lambert complained again. “It’s not like I’m always doing it, and it’s not like the horse even cares.”
“Did you ask the horse if it cared?” Jaskier demanded excitably, well on his way to drunk.
“Obviously I didn’t ask the fucking horse. It’s a horse. It doesn’t care!”
The two continued to bicker and Geralt looked around the table at his friends and brothers laughing and drinking and sharing stories. It was a jovial atmosphere, everyone having fun. He hadn’t felt this comfortable many times in his long life, but most of those had been relatively recent and it was looking promising that there would be more to come.
Eskel nodded to Geralt to indicate it was his turn, and Geralt felt a smirk settle on his lips as he glanced over at the laughing bard, a memory surfacing, we shall laugh about this one day, Jaskier had said, one day far from now when we look back.
“Never have I…fucked a dead drowner.”
Everyone, made noises of disgust, looking at Geralt as if he’d lost his mind.
Jaskier looked outraged, aggressively grabbing his cup and chugging what was left in it, to the surprise and horror everyone else. “Fuck you Geralt,” he said when he was done.
“Why?” Lambert demanded, looking traumatised. “Why would you…why? What the fuck? WHY!?”
“I didn’t do it willingly,” the bard defended. “Some prissy little lord got offended when his rather lovely wife decided I was better company than him and decided to humiliate me in retribution.”
“By making you fuck a drowner corpse?” Eskel confirmed, looking a little green at the thought.
“It was that or be hanged.”
“I would rather have hanged,” Aiden shuddered.
Jaskier rolled his eyes. “Baby.”
“Monster fucker,” Lambert countered, defending his lover.
“Shut it, horse tamperer.”
“I didn’t fuck the damn horse!”
“Your dick was out.”
“Your dick was inside a drowner.”
“How did you even keep it up?” Eskel wondered idly.
“I’m remarkably motivated when my life is on the line.”
Coen shook his head in disbelief, “There isn’t enough motivation in the world.”
“I’m sick just thinking about it,” Aiden agreed.
At that Geralt laughed, a wicked grin on his face. “You think imagining it is bad? I had to hear it, and smell it, directly. From three feet away.”
“It was more than three feet,” Jaskier argued.
“Woah whoa wait. You were there too?”
“Yes, Geralt here made a spectacularly bad rescue attempt and wound up captured as well.”
“Looser.” Lambert threw a bread roll at his brother's head which Geralt caught and threw right back. This went on for a while before Eskel slapped it away from both of them.
“So, it was as disgusting as it sounds then?” Coen asked the pair; not sure he even wanted an answer but compelled by morbid curiosity.
“Worse,” Jaskier shuddered, skin itching at the memory alone. He might go have a bath before bed.
“Allow me to set the scene,” Geralt chuckled evilly, placing two fingers into his mug of beer and fucking them in and out rapidly to create a wet sloshing sound which he then accompanied with a loud and exaggerated mimicry of dry heaving.
This was quickly followed by Lambert's very real heaving and everyone else’s disgusted laughter.
Jaskier laughed along with the rest. Utterly unashamed. Neither of them mentioned the alternative option the bard had been offered. Or the misunderstanding and argument that followed. It wasn’t important. Not anymore. Here, years later when any lingering mistrust had been long put to rest.
“That’s it,” Lambert declared once he’d gotten his stomach under control. “This game is over. I officially know too much about you people, things I wasn’t meant to know, things I didn’t want to know. You’re all freaks and I’m never playing this again.”
“Whatever you say horse lover.”
“I DIDN’T FUCK THE DAMN HORSE!”