Chapter Text
He leaned back in his seat at the Staff table and his eyes drifted lazily across the faces of the students seated along the Slytherin table. Most of them were preoccupied with their conversations as they talked loudly amongst themselves, but his eyes narrowed as they came to rest on the head of messy dark hair he was searching for. The candlelight reflected off her glasses as she toyed with the spoon in her hand, absentmindedly moving bits of food around her plate but not eating. Her eyes were distant, unfocused and her face was drawn down in a frown.
He had summoned her to his office the moment the train had arrived. Lupin, damn him, had at least notified the school about the dementor that had boarded the train. The girl and her brother had both reacted strongly to its presence, and while he did not care what nonsense the boy was involved in, he knew some of the horrors in the girl’s mind. He had been more than a little surprised by her appearance- she had changed her hair, wearing it much shorter now than she previously had. The addition of the makeup she seemed to be wearing made her look far less like the fragile, broken child that had last been in his office just a few short months ago. Perhaps the summer hadn't been as hard on her as he had thought it would be...but then she had turned and looked at him and he could see it so clearly in those haunted green eyes: the desperation to maintain some sort of façade... It had taken him several attempts to convince her to divulge what had happened; how the dementor had forced her to relive a partial memory of what Lockhart had done.
He went to Dumbledore immediately after and beseeched him to take action but the headmaster had only nodded gravely before telling him that the Ministry would have a difficult time making anything of a case- every available Ministry employee was still tied up looking for Black. His patience had run out rather quickly after that, frustrated by the headmaster’s evident refusal to help the girl, and he stalked out of his office, muttering curses under his breath.
*
Rose listened only halfheartedly while her friends talked around her, staring down at her plate with disinterest. “Eat, Rose.” Amber urged from across the table. “You don’t want to end up with that yellow potion again, do you?”
Rose looked up at her best friend and forced an uncomfortable smile onto her face before stabbing a sausage slice with her fork. She wasn’t hungry, but she definitely didn’t want that awful nutrient potion again, and she knew Snape was watching her like a hawk- he would definitely notice if she didn’t eat. So she ate slowly and tried not to gag at the way the food felt in her mouth as she chewed.
At long last, Dumbledore stood up and dismissed them and she was free to escape to her dormitory. It didn’t provide much respite though; her sleep was plagued with nightmares about Lockhart, Uncle Vernon’s fist swinging through the air, Sirius Black chasing after Harry… She hadn’t gotten much sleep several hours later when she gave up on it entirely; swinging her legs over the side of the bed and getting up. She grabbed her sketchbook and headed downstairs. She hadn’t been able to draw all summer- every time she tried it just kept coming out as nothing but scribbles and smudges, but she was going to try today, anyway. Maybe drawing would help. She sat down in her favorite sofa near the fireplace, mildly annoyed by the fact that her legs had grown a bit longer and she couldn’t curl up in the seat quite the way she used to be able to. Rose opened the sketchbook, but after a while she slammed the charcoal pencil down in frustration before tearing the scribbled on page from the sketchbook and tossing it into the fireplace. She watched it burn for a moment and sighed deeply, feeling a sense of hopelessness overtake her as the paper was reduced to ash. What good was doing this now? She closed her sketchbook and stood up, then she quietly made her way back up the stairs to her dormitory, where- thankfully- all her roommates where still sound asleep. She set the sketchbook down on the bed and reached into her trunk, digging quietly through the contents until she found the old pocketknife she had stolen from Dudley years ago; then climbed up into her bed and pulled the curtains closed around her. She hadn’t dared pull the pocketknife out all summer- Harry had been far too invested in her business to risk him catching her. She didn’t want him to think she was a freak, too. But now, she was alone and her mind wouldn’t stop racing as she pressed the blade of the knife into the exposed skin on her forearm. Blood welled up, soaking her sleeve as she slid the knife across her arm, drawing thin red lines through her flesh for a few minutes before setting the knife down beside her. The pain distracted her, quieting the racing thoughts in her head, and giving her a twisted sense of peace as she laid her head down on her pillow, blood still trickling from the cuts on her arm. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes- it was almost liberating, even if it hurt like hell. For a while, everything else fell away as she relaxed her body and let the pain take control, letting herself relax in the numbness that had taken hold over her emotions.
She dozed off, the thin rivulets of blood on her arm drying as she drifted into a fitful sleep. Nightmares plagued her once more. Visions of Evan Hastings taunting her and laughing at her; telling her that she deserved her pain after what she did to his father… He spat at her, calling her a murderer, promising her that everyone she loved would find out the truth about her and what she’d done. She woke again with a start, her heart hammering in her chest and tears leaking from her eyes, staining her pillow. A wave of panic threatened to overwhelm her as she thought about the things Evan had said to her in her dreams. It wasn’t real, it was just a dream… but what if people really did find out? Rose felt her blood freezing in her veins at the thought of everyone seeing what a horrible freak she was… What would they say? She didn’t want to find out. She needed to run… she needed to get away.
She scrambled to her feet and darted out the door, hurrying down the steps, through the Common Room, and out into the corridor. Dimly lit torches along the walls cast flickering shadows as she ran by them, her footsteps echoing softly off the stone walls. Her breath came in panicked gasps, her eyes wide as she glanced around wildly, looking for any sign of movement as she tried to figure out what to do next. She had to get away… She couldn’t face anyone now. Not after what she’d done. She ran towards the entrance hall, taking the stairs two at a time, desperate to escape, but stopped short when she reached the castle doors. They were barred shut. They had never been barred shut before, had they? She pushed feebly against the doors, not surprised when they didn’t budge; she hadn’t really expected them to but it seemed stupid not to at least try.
“New security measures, because of Black’s escape.” said a warm voice behind her, and Rose nearly jumped out of her skin before whirling around, her heart racing. It was the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Lupin- the man who had given her the chocolate after the encounter with the dementor on the train. “Are you alright, Rose? You look rather upset.” Lupin asked softly, moving over to stand next to her.
Rose shifted her gaze away from the warm brown eyes that looked at her with such concern and nodded her head. She didn’t like the way he looked at her... like he knew her, knew exactly what she was thinking. Like he understood her. It made something inside her twist uncomfortably, and she wished she could just disappear. Disappear into thin air and vanish forever. “May I escort you back to your Common Room at least?” Lupin prompted, his tone gentle, and Rose sighed, nodding her head.
“No need, Lupin.” Snape’s voice interrupted, making Rose jump. She hadn’t heard him coming. “I will take her back- she is my student, after all.” he said curtly, turning to leave without waiting for a response from Lupin, who watched him go with an almost resigned expression on his face. “Now, Potter!” Snape called out sharply and Rose turned and hurried down the stairs after him.