Work Text:
Now:
A doorbell sharply buzzed as Roy walked through the glass door, a half-asleep attendant perking up in front of him. The room was cramped, the flooring tacky, unkempt ancient wallpaper peeled at the seams. A bucket sat in the corner catching a steady drip of – what he hoped was – water.
The lady gave him an unimpressed look, her manicured nails clattering against the keys of a dusty old laptop. “You here for a parole meeting?” Roy rolled his eyes.
“Lady, do I look like I’m here for a parole meeting?” She shrugged, shuffling some papers. Her icy blue eyes lingered on his sling for a moment.
“Could have fooled me, you get in a fight?” Crossing her arms, she stared at him challengingly.
He widened his stance. “Nah I’m here for-”
“Robbie Malone.” A robotic voice chipped in his ear.
“Robbie Malone, you can charge bail to this card.” He finished, slipping an envelope out of his pocket.
Clacking away, she sliced open the envelope. “I’ll need proof of ID.” She continued, not giving him a second glance. He bristled, placing his left hand on the counter, flexing his muscles. The clattering sped up, growing louder as she determinedly focused on the screen. “Waiting room is over there.” She titled her head towards a dark hallway.
“Everything alright?” The earpiece buzzed. Dingy lights flickered as he made his way to the room. He sighed as he entered the room, finding a too-small uncomfortable looking chair.
“Peachy.” Leaning against the doorway, he rubbed his aching right arm, breathing deeply. Crossing the room, he took his place in the shitty chair. Tilting his head back, he stared at the off-white, water-stained ceiling.
How the hell did we get here?
Last Night:
Dick aimlessly stared up, counting the holes in the safe-house’s ceiling tiles. If he counted one row and one column he could multiply them – but he kept messing up and starting over.
This wasn’t productive. He should be doing literally anything else. He was moping, this was pointless, he ought to-
Shit, I lost count.
He started over. In truth – he’d tried getting up but a weight in his chest pinned him to the spot. Stars danced above his head – mixing with the holes - but he couldn’t bring himself to care – he was just… so tired.
There’d been a human trafficking ring – it was gruesome sure, but he’d seen gruesome before - he’d been managing fine – then obsessed – he let this happen - this was his fault – Bruce would be disappointed – Babs too –
Fuck it, he didn’t care anymore. And he lost his count.
He felt awful – like his body was imploding. He needed a shower. Couldn’t remember the last time he ate. He hadn’t slept in five(?) – he wasn’t keeping track anymore but he didn’t even have an excuse not to sleep anymore.
He could sleep any time he wanted.
Yeah - he chose not to sleep…
Totally.
He closed his eyes. The case was over – that’s what was bothering him right? He could sleep now – he was fine – the kids were safe – everyone was safe – everyone was –
Don’t think about it.
His eyes shot open before he could see her face. His insides squirmed – he rolled over, picking himself off the floor, compelled to do something – he couldn’t patrol, Bruce had helped with cleanup and ordered him home – the thought of food was nauseating, that was out – he could clean… but he didn’t even know where to start – he could –
Someone knocked on the door… was he expecting someone? At… what time was it? It was dark out and the clock was too blurry to read. Another knock and he lost his train of thoughts.
Drawn forward, as if in a daze, he gripped the door-knob, twisting before even bothering to look through the peephole.
That’s how Barbara got shot. Bruce’s voice chided.
He grinned as he swung open the door, revealing a shining face. “Donna.” He nearly tripped over the doorstep, Donna laughing at his antics, spreading her arms wide.
“Good to see you, Boy Wonder. Heard you were having a rough night, I thought you might want to talk?” Dick nodded, already enveloping her in a tight hug, lost in the faint scent of coconut shampoo. “Let’s take a walk.”
Now:
Roy sat, watching a clock across from him tick. His ass hurt – arm hurt – he hadn’t eaten breakfast. He was supposed to spend the day with Lian – but fuck – here he was cleaning up after the batboy. Dick owed him pancakes. With chocolate chips. Maybe eggs. Homecooked – like he used to make post-successful mission.
Who was he kidding?
He was sitting in a county jail waiting around for a friend he hadn’t talked to in nearly a month. They couldn’t just eat pancakes and magically fix everything. Rubbing his eyes, he tried to ignore the awkwardness of the situation.
It was a shame – Dick’s pancakes were amazing. Yeah. Pancakes…
Had the clock grown louder when he wasn’t watching?
He pulled out his phone, resolving to find the nearest IHop. If things were going to be awkward, he would at least have food to distract him. “You owe me a meal.” He whispered into the earpiece.
“There’s an iHop 5 minutes away. Turn left coming out and it’ll be on your right.”
“How did you-”
“I’m amazed you think I can’t get into your phone.” Showoff. He quietly whistled.
“Rob’s got friends in high places.” The voice was silent for a moment. It was the weirdest thing (albeit not the weirdest thing that had happened to him) – someone had just slipped an envelope and earpiece on his kitchen table – a letter O was written on an attached sticky note.
“You’d be right about that.” There was an unspoken rule in the superhero community – never turn down an assignment for Oracle.
Last Night:
Metal squealed as he swung back and forth on a little swing set. “I miss this.” He pumped his legs forward. “We should do stupid shit more often.” He flipped off the swing – doing a perfect double flip before landing. “You see that?” He beamed, turning to face – “Donna?!”
“Yes, yes, you’re brilliant. The crowd goes wild.” She rolled her eyes, politely clapping. “But I came out to talk to youuu, and you haven’t even told me how you’re doing.” She swung her legs, keeping her swing impossibly still. Well. She was Donna – she was perfect – she could do things like that.
“I’m fine.” He solved the case after all – that was what had been keeping him up – he could sleep after this.
“Dick…” The corners of her mouth turned down, pulling at the strings of his heart as they went – Donna was perfect, he was having fun – things were fine.
“Don’t – please – I’m fine, I don’t want to fight right now.” His mouth went dry, his pulse speeding uncontrollably. “Could we just… keep hanging out on the swings? Like we used to?” His legs shook, knees threatening to give out. “Please?” He croaked.
“Okay.” She pulled out a camera, smiling. “Next time, I’ll take a picture.”
Now:
This was taking forever. He impatiently tapped the side of the chair, staring at the blank wall ahead of him.
“I can play music.” The voice offered.
“How long is this going to take?” He groaned – his arm throbbed; he left his ibroufen at home. Fuck. His. Life.
“Maybe thirty more minutes.” Came the guess.
“I’ve been here forever.” He complained; he was starting to suspect the lady was purposefully taking her time.
“It’s only been one hour.” The voice deadpanned. “Quit whining or I’ll play country.” Roy sighed.
“You got Rob’s playlist?” Maybe it was silly, but listening to his friends’ playlists made him feel a bit closer to them. And dammit, he missed Dick.
“Mmmhmm.” If nothing else, Dick’s trash taste in music was better than country.
Last Night:
He caught a glimpse of a familiar face walking towards the playground. His heart swelled, chest lifting as he leaped off the swing.
He fumbled the landing, recovering quickly – and running, he spread his arms open wide. “Joey?!” His feet pounded on the grass, and he launched himself into a flying hug, momentum accidentally carrying them both to the ground. Dick laughed, hugging Joe tight, hands racing through his golden curls.
Empathetic eyes found his, concern clear, swimming behind stunning green irises. It was as if Joey was looking in his soul – or rather - his heart. Joey started signing. ‘Are you-’
Dick cut him off. “I’m fine, can I just – have this?” Joey’s face softened, leaning forward. Dick closed the gap between them, cradling the back of his head in his hands. Their lips met, butterflies filling his stomach – he was on top of the world - completely invincible in the moment. He slipped a hand up, feeling Joey’s steady pulse, and moved down, adorning his neck with a kiss.
Joey tenderly pressed a kiss to the crown of his head. ‘Not here.’ He signed. They were in public – not that he cared.
“I love you.” Dick protested, standing, and pulling Joey to his feet. He kissed his hand, tugging him into another hug. “I should have told you sooner.” He whispered.
They stood, illuminated by moonlight – melding into one. Joey was soft and warm, and smelled of honeysuckle. He felt nineteen again, dumb and in love, with everything to lose – but everything to gain, spending reckless nights flirting and teasing. Donna cheered in the distance. It was breathtaking, he was happier than he’d felt in years.
Perfection was something he was always searching for – and this – right here – he’d finally found it.
Joey pulled back, signing again. ‘I love you too.’ He smiled softly, studying his face. ‘You haven’t been sleeping.’ Reaching out, he gently pushed back Dick’s bangs, leaning forward for a quick kiss before pulling away again. ‘You promised not to do this.’
Dick brushed off his worry, taking Joey by the hands. “I swear I’m fine – I feel better than I have in years now you’re both here.”
Someone laughed behind him. No. It can’t be. The laugh continued, tinkling like a little bell. Joey placed a hand on his shoulder, tears welling in his eyes as he turned.
“Jason?”
Now:
“Rob?” Dick stepped into the little room, stonily staring at the floor. Stubble decorated his unshaven face, his left eye swelling – bruises blossoming across his face. The skin under both was dark and puffy, his eyes bloodshot. Roy rose to his feet - automatically rushing forward. The lady stepped between them, getting in his face and handing him a thousand papers to sign.
“You’ve got to be kidding me, he needs medical attention.” Roy bit back a scream. Dick crossed his arms, refusing to meet his eyes, as he tried to get a better look. His mouth was set in a taught line, as if determined to show no emotion.
“He refused. Sign the papers.” The lady spat, shoving a pen at him.
“You better fu-”
“Play nice!” Chided the voice in his ear. “Just sign the papers. I’ll pay for all the pancakes you can eat.”
“Excuse me?” Frost tinged the woman’s words. She turned on her heel, whipping her hair around – almost hitting his face as she stormed back to her desk.
“I’m signing the goddamn papers.” He aggressively clicked the pen open. Fuck this. He scribbled his signature as fast as he could, flying through the papers, throwing them each at the lady as he finished.
Dick remained silent, staring at the floor, standing completely still.
“What the fuck did you even do?” The woman sneered at him disapprovingly. He shoved the last paper at her, throwing the pen on the counter. Dick remained silent.
“They picked him up at 3rd street park this morning.” The voice supplied. “He’s charged with loitering and resisting arrest.”
Last Night:
“It can’t…” He trailed off, looking at Jason’s grinning face.
“Sure it can.” Jason asserted, darting forward. “Tag!” His heart leaped, as he ran after. Laughing, Jason took the steps to the little castle two at a time, meeting Lilith at the top.
“Oh no, I don’t want to play.” She put her hands up. “Get Danny instead!” He turned, watching Danny wave from over by the fountain. He kept contorting the water into different shapes.
Dick grinned, running forward. “No way, I’m going for my baby brother!” Jason snorted, flaunting around on top of a slide. His smile was so wide – always so wide –
Robin gives me magic.
Dick doubled his speed, they should go for ice cream after this – just the two of them, like old times.
“Please, as if an old geezer could catch me.” Jason taunted, doing a cartwheel as Dick started climbing up a rock wall to the top. “Especially with the shape he’s in.”
“I’m in better shape than you!” He teased back.
“You really aren’t.” Donna’s face appeared at his side startling him, he found himself losing his grip – falling back off the rock wall. His shoulders hit woodchips, knocking the wind out of him. “If you were, that wouldn’t have happened.” She pointed out.
Dick couldn’t breathe – his lungs were frozen – he couldn’t –
Joey kneeled on his other side, helping him sit up. He wheezed, desperately sucking in air.
“See you can breathe.” Jason’s head popped out overtop the wall. “Must be nice.” He muttered.
“What -” he panted, “do you… mean?” A coughing fit overtook him. Donna slapped his back.
“Really?” Jason looked at him mournfully. “You’re being pathetic.”
“Jason!” Donna chided. “Quit reminding him we’re-”
“Don’t!” Dick sputtered, burying his chest in Joey’s shirt. It smelled like honeysuckle – honeysuckle and lilac. “Please!” This was all he had left. “Don’t take this from me. Please, Jason – PLEASE!” Broken fragments and shards of memories.
“Robin?” Tears spilled over into Joey’s shirt. His heart was bursting in his chest. Let him have this. Please. For just a moment more. Joey pushed him back slightly.
Jason popped up in front of him, looking at him accusingly. “I thought I was Robin.”
Now:
“Dick, what happened to you?” Roy asked, rummaging through the trunk. No response. He looked up through the rear-view mirror. Dick stared out the window – looking at nothing at all. “Dick?” What the hell?
His hands closed around the first aid kid. He slammed the trunk walking back up to the front seat.
“How is he?” Roy nearly dropped the kit, anger overcoming him.
“How is he?! How is he?!” He flailed his arms. “That’s it! You fucking Bat people just keep pushing and pushing each other - tell Bruce he’s FUCKING OUT OF THE GAME – that’s all you fucking people care about isn’t it-”
“-Roy you don’t understand-”
“I UNDERSTAND JUST FINE!” A couple across the street stared at him. He shooed them off, putting his phone up to his ear belatedly as a cover.
“We love him too.” The voice insisted. “I only want what’s best for him. So does Bruce.”
“Then where the fuck is he? And why isn’t he the one bailing him out?” The line went silent for a moment.
“I said I wanted what’s best for him. Why do you think I sent you?” Roy found himself speechless – not a problem, the voice continued. “Wally was busy, and Garth is still in the hospital, and you should visit him by the way, Dick’s only been stopping by at night - they haven’t even talked! ROY! Don’t talk to me about understanding Dick Grayson, you aren’t the only person who gives a shit about him.”
Roy pinched the bridge of his nose. What the fuck was going on? “Does Bruce even know?” Another pause.
“No.”
“What do you want me to do?” Roy watched cars whiz past on the little town road.
Finally, the voice replied. “I don’t know.”
Last Night:
A calloused hand rested on his shoulder. His fists still clenched Joey’s shirt, tears blurring his vision.
“Dick, aren’t you going to turn around?” Jason asked, squatting on the ground. Panic overtook him.
“I can’t.” He tucked his knees to his chest. She can’t see me like this. He was pathetic.
“Mm.” Donna hummed knowingly. “Why not?”
“You know.” Joey gently patted his back as he squeezed harder.
“I do.” She dropped down slipping an arm over Jason’s shoulders. “But I’d like to hear you say it.”
“Why are you doing this?” He choked back a sob. “Can’t we just… talk on the swings – and Jason we can go out for ice cream you can meet Danny and Joey and Lilith can come and - ”
“Dick. Look at me.” Donna placed a hand on his shoulder, waiting until he met her eyes. “You know we can’t stay.”
“You can’t tell me you don’t know this is all in your head. You’re smarter than that.” Jason kicked wood chips without spraying any around. “We didn’t die so you could end up like this.” Joey tapped his shoulder.
‘What he means is, we love you and it hurts to see you like this.’
“Dick, if you won’t talk to us, could you talk to them.” Donna sadly smiled.
“I’m sorry.” He was a disappoint – a failure – it was his fault – his –
“Deep down you know I made a decision.” Donna stated. “And that I don’t regret it.” Dick jumped to his feet.
“What do you mean you don’t regret it – you fucking DIED FOR ME, DONNA. HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME?!” He grabbed her by the front of her overalls, she just sadly smiled as he shook her. “YOU LEFT ME ALONE! IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME – DONNA – HOW COULD YOU!?” She shrugged as he screamed, dropping to the ground. “It’s hard for you to look at me?! Try looking at your graves and knowing that you’re the reason you died!”
Joey placed a hand on his shoulder. Dick stared at him. “I’m so tired of being alive.” He confessed. Joey pulled him into a hug. “Just. Let me stay with you… please.” He breathed in, but the scent of honeysuckle was long gone - the warmth of Joey’s body fading. “Please?”
“Dickie.” He’d nearly forgotten the sound of his father’s voice. “You have someone to get back to.”
“Multiple someones.” Donna added.
“A new little Robin.” Jason noted. “Take care of him for me, okay?”
“Can’t you just stay?” Joey shook his head. The hand slipped off his shoulder.
“Sleep well, love. Take care of yourself. We love you.”
He turned, diving for a hug, finding nothing but empty air, as he skidded through woodchips, splinters tearing through his skin. Someone grabbed his shoulder and he screamed, clamping onto their wrist. No. No one was getting away this time. Just as he looked up, a blow finally sent him into darkness.
Now:
“So… How are the pancakes?” Roy shoved another scoop into his own mouth. Dick poked at his plate without actually eating anything. “Hey, I bought those. You’re going to eat them.” Dick wistfully swirled a piece around in syrup. “Lian’s going to be jealous.” A spark of recognition passed through Dick’s eyes at the mention of her name.
Alright. New tactics then. Talk about his daughter. Oh, this would be easy. “She’s been getting math homework recently. Math homework! Can you believe it? She’s in first grade and this teacher is already giving out math!” He blundered through the conversation, Dick slowly looking up to make eye contact. “And it’s not the crap we learned as kids either. They want them to count a whole different way! I mean how on earth do you count differently.”
“Binary.” Dick suggested, Roy tried not to cringe at how rough and raw his voice sounded.
“So, you could help her with that, yeah?” Two birds, one stone. “She needs help and you’re the best math nerd I know.” Dick turned to stare mournfully out the window. “Finish your food, we’ll go back to my house, you can sleep, and I’ll bring home Lian, and when your brain’s working again you can help her with math, sound good - yeah?”
He probably failed to keep the panic out of his voice, but at this point he didn’t know what else to do if Dick said no. They weren’t kids anymore – he couldn’t force Dick to do anything he didn’t want to, or call in Bruce. It felt like he was teetering on the edge of losing another friend.
Now:
He was hurting Roy – Roy’s smile was forced, his shoulders were tense, he was holding his fork too tight. Dick looked out the window, avoiding his gaze.
You have someone to get back too. Multiple someones.
Lian needed math help. Roy needed someone to talk to. Tim needed more training.
Donna could have helped Lian. Joey could have talked to Roy. And Jason should have been the one training.
They weren’t here anymore.
When are you going to face reality?
“Okay.”
He stabbed into a piece of pancake and stuffed it in his mouth. For the first time in days, he ate something that didn’t taste like ash.
Later:
Roy flipped through channels, as casual conversation continued in the kitchen. “Okay so if you cut the pancake like this, it’s in thirds, so there are 3 pieces. Get it? Like halves but now there’s one more piece.” Dick had been trying to explain fractions for the past fifteen minutes.
“Mmmm, do I get to eat the pancake?” Lian giggled, smacking the table excitedly. Roy admired her ability to avoid talking about math, that – that was something she got from him.
Time had passed, Dick was rebounding – he always did, and Lian got a perfect score on her last test. Things were good.
For now…
One day, they wouldn’t bounce back – maybe he would die or Dick would shatter, but for tonight fractions were being taught with pancakes – and that wasn’t something he thought possible a week ago. And as Lian served him his piece, he painted on a smile because that’s all they could really do anymore – real smiles seemed to have died with Donna – but maybe if they kept surviving, they could go back to living.
Dick knowingly cocked an eyebrow and placed a hand on his shoulder, ducking down to whisper thanks in his ear, wrapping his arms around his neck, squeezing tighter than usual. Dick’s chin settled on his shoulder, warm puffs of air a constant reminder of his presence.
Tomorrow was unknown, but tonight Dick was alive and healing and Lian was smiling and squealing, and for him, that was enough.