Chapter Text
Their first kiss was in the middle of a road, a pretend broken car in a layby, and Aaron remembered feeling crazed enough to want to strip Robert bear in the cab of the truck he was driving. It'd been mad, the whole moment, it'd been madness, and it'd been...
He had never felt that rush of want and the want of more before. He'd been with men, he'd been in relationships, but Robert Sugden's hands on his face and his lips against his had sent him down a path he never knew. Never expected.
It was always filled with surprises that path, good and bad, intense and peaceful. It was never ordinary, and Aaron wondered if that was what screwed them in the end because life wasn't meant to be high-intensity all the time, and even the peace felt intense.
He spent most of it waiting for the shoe to drop. His pessimism had been rewarded.
He owed Robert something, and he knew that, but he wasn't sure what it was really, only that he hated how they'd left things. He felt like the door was wide open, and it either needed to be closed, or he needed to walk into it. But which was it?
He bit his lip as he remembered leaving Robert in the bed to answer his phone, knowing it would be Ben. The guilt and confusion whirring around in his chest. The intensity of being with Robert again, their sex half angry and half longing. He'd missed his skin, but he'd sprung awake knowing he'd done something wrong.
It just the wrong was beyond complicated in his head because he knew he'd cheated. He knew he cared about Ben -- loved him in some kind of way. He knew it'd been wrong to give in to that mad emotion that happened when he was with Robert. But that mad emotion, he could never call that wrong.
He felt like he was screwing it all up.
He'd used Ben.
He'd hurt Robert.
He'd been hurt because Robert left.
He left the bed and disappeared.
And he didn't look back.
He flashed to the moment he realized Robert had said goodbye to them in prison, and he threw their rings on the table. The way they clashed and spun before going to still.
He heard that sound for a long time in his head afterward. The end of them. He'd heard it again when he heard the door close that night and realized Robert had left...
Again.
"Fuck..." Aaron sighed and knew he wasn't ready to face him. He'd realized what he and Ben weren't, which was why he'd stopped the wedding. He'd wanted to tell Robert. Robert was the only person he'd wanted to tell. First and late. But he hadn't been able to make himself call him...
Was it that feeling of their end?
Was it just that? Had too much happened?
He felt like he was seeking something.
And he spotted Robert's car but blinked. The man that was in the cafe was still with him. They were both leaning on the boot of the car and talking. Robert was smiling, and jealousy twisted in his gut.
But the disappointment hurt more.
He'd wanted to face Robert alone and had hoped just luck had placed them face and face, and maybe they could work something out. Without him having to figure out why he hadn't called him.
Maybe he was a coward.
He drove past them to turn around and maneuver the truck where it needed to be. He watched them in the rearview mirror. Robert looked stern, his hands in his pockets, and slighter than Aaron had ever pictured him in his head. Smaller. The shadow of prison lingering there still...
He took a breath and got out.
They met halfway. All three of them.
"I'll just get it on the truck, then I can drop you wherever?"
"Keepers is fine," Robert said. "Where we're going."
Aaron nodded, but he couldn't move.
Robert wouldn't look directly at him.
The man cleared his throat. "Hi, I'm Peter Dunham."
Aaron stared at his offered hand and forced himself to take it. "Aaron. Dingle."
"Thanks for coming out. Rob said it's not your job."
"Family garage, it's alright..." he turned away to do the job.
"Aaron owns a scrapyard," Robert said, and Aaron heard the pride in his tone and felt the usual rush of awe he'd impressed him. That he saw him as worth something always meant a lot... "It does a decent profit..at least it used to."
"Still does, pretty much," Aaron said and glanced at Robert.
"I don't think I'd have the brains to run my own business. That's impressive," Peter said. "I'm the teaching type."
"You're a teacher?"
"What I tell the students..." Peter smiled and looked between them. "You know, if I'm staying at yours for a late supper, I should just let my parents know..."
Aaron watched as the conversation didn't stop with Peter's words and felt the jealousy twist harder in his gut. They could speak silently? Who was this guy? He'd never liked sharing Robert. Hated it. It'd twist him up. And he hated the thought of him with other men. It was a sharp pain in the chest...
He looked down.
Peter walked away.
He and Robert were alone.
"I should attach the..." Aaron walked to the back of the truck.
"I can help. I know it sticks..." Robert muttered.
And he would know that because he'd spent time with Aaron when he did the odd favor for Cain at the garage. They liked sitting in the truck together and going on calls. It was a weird little date for them.
Their first kiss was in the middle of a road.
"It can pull it out of the ditch, right?"
"Only half in, really, should be alright."
Robert nodded.
"So, uh, who is he?" Aaron wished he could take it back.
"Aaron..." Robert sounded tired.
"Right, yeah, none of my business."
"Yeah."
They hooked up the cars, and Aaron couldn't help noticing how in sync they moved, how they worked together, without words -- he'd talked to the bloke without words. It was his first. Or was it? Robert had a life before him and a lot of other relationships...
Maybe Aaron wasn't the one who changed everything?
"So..." Robert sighed as they finished stopping Aaron from walking back to the truck's cab.
"Yeah?"
"You and Ben... I'm sorry?"
Aaron couldn't help but chuckle at the question of it. "No, you're not."
"Gave it a try," Robert shrugged.
"It's alright. It should've happened sooner. Just an idiot, I guess."
"You loved him."
"A bit... not enough."
"Yeah, that matters."
Aaron felt a lump in his throat.
"Were..." Robert shook his head. "Were you going to tell me? Or did you want village gossip too?"
"You didn't find out from Brenda, did ya?"
"Vic, she might be worse."
Aaron snorted.
"Were ya?"
"Robert..." Aaron made himself look him in the eye and swallowed at the pain he saw there. But he did what they were both dreading. He could see Robert dreading it, and he did too. He hated the answer. "No."
"Thought so."
"I'm..."
"Don't say it. You're not, not really."
"I don't know that... something in me is."
"Not enough."
Aaron couldn't argue.
Robert took a breath and looked behind him. Peter was off his phone, standing across the street, pretending to be intrigued by a pothole. Robert smiled at him before he turned back to Aaron. "I should..."
"I'll get this finished." He turned back to the car but glanced at Robert and Peter. They were talking lowly, and Peter put a hand on Robert's arm...
He quickly looked away because it hurt. Because it wasn't his business. But he couldn't help wishing he knew who the hell the bloke really was...
How did he and Robert meet?
~~~
"That pothole have the answer to the universe?"
"Isn't that 42?"
"Well, yeah..." Robert grinned. "Most people don't know that."
Peter laughed. "The pothole is relatively boring, but I was tempted to eavesdrop, so..."
"Nosy sort?"
"I prefer curious. Are you alright?"
"No..." Robert breathed out and was shocked at the honesty.
"If you want to talk about it..."
"I don't."
"That's alright, but if you ever do, I can listen."
"Been doing that all day..." Robert shook his head. "You've caught me in a... you've caught me at a life crisis."
"You aren't alone there."
"Yeah?"
"I um... I probably would've talked myself out of talking to ya if I'd spotted you any other time. Been rethinking things lately, you know. Told you a bit about Oliver..."
"Breakups..." Robert couldn't help but glance toward Aaron.
"Yeah. I don't have to see my ex, though."
Robert nodded, not taking his eyes off Aaron. His heart was beating too fast, all its shattered pieces. He knew the truth before he heard it. Because it was the only reason, Aaron wouldn't have told him about leaving Ben. The only way he wouldn't have told Robert himself was if he hadn't wanted to...
They weren't going to try again?
Aaron, in reality, was a far better sight than the memories made fuzzy by time he'd lived on in prison. He'd relive memory after memory just to survive. Telling himself it was okay because maybe their future was gone, but their history was his...
He held onto Aaron to keep him sane.
Maybe too much.
Aaron was real now, the real him, and he had his own life and his own needs. A boyfriend hadn't been what stopped them from pretending Robert had never left...
Robert was...
It was always him.
Peter touched Robert's arm.
Robert looked up into his eyes and let out a breath. "I keep blanking out on you."
"Yeah."
"Doesn't bother ya?"
"Worries me a bit...but you're in a crisis?"
"A bit."
"I can back away, Rob. We can text, maybe wait until you're..."
"No..." Robert shook his head. "I need... I think I might need to face that summer some more. And, well... Do you like Doctor Who?"
"Are bowties cool?"
Robert broke out into a smile.
"It's all set," Aaron yelled across to them.
Robert tensed and looked at the cab...Memories flashed in his mind. Their first kiss and times they sat close as they could in the cab and stole kisses between callouts.
"Hey, why I don't sit in the middle?"
He wished that wasn't a relief and nodded his thanks.