Chapter Text
Duke: I know you were off to Edmonton now lockers are clear and the off season has started but have you gone yet? Are you still in town?
To Duke: Thea’s working through to the weekend, we leave Monday lunchtime, where are you?
Duke: Still in town, wondered if you were possibly free to meet up this morning? Don’t worry if you’re not.
To Duke: The hot tub has just about reached ease the pain-in-my-ribs temperature so I’m not really for going out but if you want to come here? Join me in a well-deserved end of season hot soak?
Duke: Who else is in? You’re at G’s yes?
To Duke: Everyone’s out, place to myself until 8! Well Thea will be home around 4 but the guys are out with Niki and their parents.
Duke: I can leave it until tomorrow? If that works better for you?
To Duke: Do you need something from Sid and G too? I thought when you asked if I was free you just meant me? If you set up a group chat with everyone you need it might be easier to coordinate?
Duke: No I don’t need them, I just wanted to talk to you, but I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Thought you might not want to be just the two of us?
To Duke: Get your gear and get your ass over here!!!! Blue, red or orange Gator?
Duke: Yes boss!! Whatever you have.
To Duke: Blue, Red or Orange?
Duke: I really don’t mind, whatever you have.
To Duke: I have all three which is why I asked!!!!!! Answer me!
Duke: Red then if I can?
To Duke: red it is :) I’ll have it waiting for you, be quick the water is calling :D
- -
“Wow!” Duke said with a gasp as Steven opened the front door in just his swimmers, a towel over his shoulder, and then took a step back, blushing and looking panicked, hands coming up in some sort of defensive motion.
“Looks worse than it is,” Steve laughed, his hand finding its way to his ribs, rubbing at the large black, yellow, green bruise that ran up most of his side.
“Well, it looks awful.” Duke said, recovering a little.
“it’ll be better once it gets in the warm water,” Steven smiled, trying to calm whatever had spooked Duke, “Come in.”
“Thanks,” he stepped past Steven, knocking his shoulder on the far side of the door frame as he did.
“Okay,” the door slammed as Steven pushed it closed with a little too much force and Duke flinched and turned to look at him, “what’s going on? You’re being weird!”
“Sorry, I.” Steven watched as something played over Duke’s face, a look of nerves and something else. “Okay,” he finally took a deep breath, “This isn’t what I came for okay, but if you kick me out right now it’ll sort that for me too so I’m just going to ask okay.”
“Will this be easier if we’re in the pool first?” Steven said, trying to lighten the mood a little, but Duke shook his head. “Go on then, ask? Tell me?”
Duke’s eyes flashed around the entry hall, as if he couldn’t really work out what to look at, and then he stopped, shook himself and looked Steven right in the eye. “How did you hide the bruises? How did no one know? Guys look at each others’ bodies all the time right, or do they not?”
“In juniors?” Steven asked, “Is that what you mean? How did no one notice?”
“Yeah like, the things you’ve talked about, told me, told people, how did no one notice? Even guys just looking to compare, or is that not really a thing? for other people?”
“Come on,” Steven stepped towards Duke, putting his hand on his shoulder and pushing to turn him around, “this conversation will be easier in the tub, even if only for me.”
Duke didn’t resist the push and they made their way quickly through the house and out through the door to the pool, Steven dropping his towel on the lounger next the pool and climbing in, picking up a bottle of water from the ice bucket and cracking the top. “Strip and get in,” he said, picking up the red bottle from the ice bucket and waving it in his direction, “the water is so nice, it’ll help you relax.”
Duke nodded but he looked uncomfortable, keeping his eyes fixed somewhere on the floor and then on the wall as he climbed into the pool and settled back against the side, as far away from Steven as possible and looked sideways, out over the garden instead of at Steven.
“How many guys have you heard talk about Sid’s ass?” Steven said after a long moment of uncomfortable silence, “In interviews or in the room? Or about Flower’s ability to get his legs over his head? Or the size of Geno’s hands? The machine that is Kris’ body?”
“Once or twice,” Duke replied, with a huff of laughter.
“And don’t get me started on guys obsession with Tkachuk chewing on his mouth guard or the comments about double teaming a guy or, I don’t know who it was, but that thing about what it feels like to feel the air rush from a guy’s body as you drive him against the boards, holding him there with your body weight.”
Duke really laughed at that.
“If you think about it you can see why guys gets so panicked about the gay thing. Why people get so defensive, or worried. As hormone riddled teenagers we’re obsessed with the bodies of grown men, trying to make ours look like theirs, working out how their body helps their hockey, most of the time the obsession is with the science, the biology, the hockey but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t mess with your head sometimes, leave you confused, or mess with the heads of assholes who then turn nasty, who feel that they have to prove they’re not gay by being mean.”
“Yeah,” Duke breathed out with feeling.
“So yeah, hockey guys are obsessed with each other’s bodies, looking, comparing, discussing, that’s all perfectly normal and whichever bastard you met in juniors who made you feel that it wasn’t needs running into the boards, hard, next time you play against him.” Steven laughed and was relieved when Duke did too.
“And as for the covering up bruises question,” he said, more seriously, “Always had my under armour on when in the room, no one looked very hard, some people intentionally looked away.”
“But showers and stuff?”
“Honestly?” Steven sat forward, leaning closer to Duke who mirrored the movement, “Do you really want to have this conversation?”
“Sorry, I, I shouldn’t have,” Duke pushed himself up to sit on the edge of the pool, “I’ll go.”
“Stop,” Steven lunged forward, grabbing at Duke’s knee, the closest part that he could reach, as Duke made to swing his legs over the side, “Don’t go,”
Duke stopped moving, tense like a statue and Steven pulled back his hand.
“You know most things about my situation, been in the meetings, you know more than most, all I meant was do you really want to know or do you just want to settle in to the fact that I’m not hiding my bruises from you, that I don’t feel like I need to hide anything from you, that I feel as safe with you as with any of the other guys on our roster, safer maybe?” Duke shrugged, “There will be guys from your time in juniors who do not have good memories of you.” Steven said looking Duke right in the eye, “You can’t get away from that, can’t go back and change that, but unless there’s something you’ve kept from me this whole time, you never actually did harm directly to anyone, you were more a follower than a leader in this shit, and you wouldn’t do it again now.”
“God no, I hate myself for it, I would never.”
“Good,” Steven smiled, “then you just have to learn to live with the guilt, own it because you deserve it, and make sure it makes you better going forward. It’s not going to be easy but making up for fucking up never is.”
“I have some things planned for my cup day,” Duke said, slipping back into the pool and relaxing back against the side, “My agent’s been working on a few things for my summer, even before the cup, work experience with a few different groups, some hockey some not, one of them is being the muscle for a group of people too scared to try things.” He laughed, “We’re doing a thing on my cup day with a group of young people, a really diverse group that are trying to build bridges in the town I grew up in. I want to use my profile while I can, not going to have this profile, even at home, for long. I’ve invited Taylor up, like Sid suggested, she’s got plans for interview with some of the groups and she suggested maybe doing something like the hired muscle thing if I’m back here next season.” He shrugged.
“Hired muscle?” Steven asked, “sounds a bit worrying.”
“Nah,” Duke smiled, “it’s a group where people who wouldn’t normally go places can find people to go with so like women who want to go to sports, men who want to go to the theatre, see the ballet and stuff, it helps people find other people who share the interest so that they can do things and enjoy them. Most of the things just need a partner, a friend, to enjoy the thing with, you know, just friendships, but sometimes, when people don’t feel safe, even with a friend, they look for hired muscle, someone that gives them confidence that they’ll be safe, my first booking is to take three guys to a sport bar, even though there’s no sport, because they’ve never dared to go in.”
“That sounds pretty cool, I think Thea could probably have used a group like that when they first got down here, so if you’re setting something up next year I’d be up for helping, can’t do anything alcohol related though, still too young.”
“So young,” Duke grinned and took a drink from his bottle before setting the bottle back on the side. “Can I ask you the thing I actually wanted to talk to you about now or would you rather we just soak and relax?”
“Go for it, I can multitask!” Steven grinned and winked at Duke.
“I met with the GM yesterday,” Duke said, sounding suddenly very formal, “he told me they won’t be qualifying me,”
“What?” Steven said, feeling a sudden spike of anger,
“It’s okay” Duke raised his hand as if to tell him to calm down, “he offered me a deal, standard, two way, four-fifty guaranteed. Sign it by weekend or off the table, completely free to look elsewhere.”
“Okay?” Steven asked, feeling a little confused as to where this was going.
“Do you mind if I sign or would you like me to leave?”
“What?”
“Is it okay if I stay? Do you think it’ll be okay with the team? Or should I say no and go somewhere else?”
“I’ll miss you if you leave,” he said without even thinking, “I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one.”
“You think Geno will be okay with it? And Sid?”
“Yeah, I think you’ve restored their faith in human growth to be honest, I know it’s easy for people to see how I’ve recovered from juniors, and Fitzy, but your journey this season has been pretty special you know, it’d be nice to keep the band together for another year.”
“You can’t compare me stopping being a shit to you and Fitzy!” Duke said with a scowl, “I did what I did, you two had it done to you!”
“I’m not going to argue with you, not when I know I’m right.” Steven grinned and drank the rest of his bottle and Duke picked up his to do the same, still looking like he wanted to argue.
“So, now I’ve answered your question, and my ribs feel partly human again, will you do me a favour? Look something over for me?” Steven pushed up onto the side of the pool, “Not in the pool though, electrocuting ourselves would not go down well with management.”
“I can, if you want me too.” Duke climbed out of the pool, dropped his shorts to the floor and wrapped a towel around his waist, “can I use the bathroom first? Get dressed?”
“Totally, you know where it is, right?” Duke nodded, “I’ll meet you in the kitchen in ten? The table will be useful.”
“Okay”
- -
“So, I’ve been working on a thing with Thea, I’m not asking permission, I’m not wanting permission,” he said feeling nervous and knowing that he was repeating himself but unable to stop. “It’s my choice, I get to decide, but I wondered if you’d read it for me?”
“Take a breath,” Duke said with the calming comfort that he always used when he knew that Steven was on the edge of something, gentle enough to push him back from the edge rather than pity that always sent him over it, and Steven shook himself, remembering why asking Duke before anyone else was a good idea.
“Okay,” Steven huffed a laugh and shook his head at himself, “So, just under a year ago I locked my phone in a box in my desk at home and got a new one, a new number. At camp no one had my number, took me ages to be happy with my phone making a noise, the vets still ask before they share my number with people, the media team text before they call, people are still so careful, I know why, and I love them for it, but it’s still a thing right? A thing that’s different about me because of my past.”
“I guess,” Duke agreed, beginning to look a little confused.
“So, I’ve been talking to Thea for a bit, and to the guys over the last couple of days, and I’m thinking of setting up an Instagram, most guys have them, the world runs on socials now and I can’t keep living off Thea’s, it messes with their algorithms apparently.”
Duke laughed, “I’ve been following Thea for a while, the photos are amazing, is that what their Major was?”
“I know right? But no, just a hobby that they’re very good at. They did some of the photos for me,” he opened up the iPad on the table in front of him, selected the folder of pictures he’d set up and passed it over, “Some of the ones I was thinking of posting. What do you think?”
Duke swiped slowly through the pictures, the first one wasn’t one of Thea’s, it was from the draft, stood on the stage next to Mario, the first time he’d put on a Penguins jersey, but then there was the group of them in bed with the cup, one of him and Fitzy, the photo with his coaches, the back to back one, the one of him and Thea kissing over the cup that Catherine had taken on the ice after the game, one of him with his family and one of his whole support squad, Carey and Cole included, and then a couple of media shots, one of him the second after scoring the winning goal and the other him skating with the cup above his head.
“What are you asking me?” Duke looked at him a little warily, “What am I supposed to be commenting on? Or are you just watching my reaction to decide what to do? See if I’ll be an ass about that picture? Trying to guess what the world will say about you and Thea from my reaction?”
“Fuck! No!” Steven said quickly, “This wasn’t a trick, fuck sorry!”
“Okay then,” Duke said still sounding wary.
“Really,” Steven grabbed the iPad back, “It wasn’t the photos I wanted you opinion on, it really wasn’t,” he said clicking through to his notes and opening up the words that he’d been working on for his post. “It was this.” He slid the iPad back over and then dropped his hands under the table and onto his knee, curling his fingers into the material of his shorts as he waited for Duke to read it and tried not to analyse his facial expressions.
- -
“Wow,” Duke said, pulling the hem of his shirt up to wipe at his eyes.
“So, you think it’s okay?”
“Yeah,” he wiped his eyes again, “it’s okay, more than okay. Beautiful.”
“You don’t think it’s too much, weird just to put out there? Odd with the pictures?”
“It’s what you want to say, it’s important, the pictures go with it perfectly, and the fans are going to go wild for it which means it will reach a lot of people, do a lot of good.” He wiped his eyes again, “and it’s going to make people cry, but that’s good too, tears are good sometimes.”
“They are, really, but I’d like to have fewer of them next year, the sad ones at least, I know there’s trials and stuff I have to get through at some point but I want to, I don’t know the word for it really, but sort of draw a line under it all, go into next season as something other than the fucked-up abuse survivor.”
“No one but you sees you as that,” Steven raised a questioning eyebrow at him, “no one who matters anyway, but if this helps you stop feeling like that then I think that’s got to be a win.”
“So, you think I should post it? Or share it or whatever they call it?”
“I’d talk to the vets and the media team and your agent first but yeah.”
“Why do I need their permission?” Steven snapped, anger bubbling in his stomach and burning in his chest.
“You don’t,” Duke shook his head, “but why not have their support? Have them set up to like it, share it, comment? Why take your team, your friends, off guard if you don’t have to? Why not have your agent monitor comments, report what needs reporting for you? Why not use Jen’s media knowledge and contacts? Assuming you want people to actually see it. The team may already have Insta handles registered for you, in case you wanted them one day. It’s not asking permission, it’s using your resources, using your friends, letting us all do something, letting us be proud of you.”
“It’s hard,” Steven said after a minute of quiet thought, “remembering I’m part of something here, that I belong somewhere again.”
“You’ll get there,” Duke said, reaching out and thumping him in the shoulder, “But maybe it’s a good job I’m sticking around to remind you.” He grinned and Steven laughed.
- -
To Team: Okay, so everything is organised, the post is ready in drafts, my agent will post it around an hour after I let her know we’ve arrived in Edmonton. She’ll let Jen know as soon as the hour starts, and Jen has a plan with the media team and with the communication team. You should all get a text or call from Jen so you know it’s happening BUT this does not mean you have to do anything.
Jonesy: This is Monday afternoon your time, right? Anyone know what time that will be in Scotland?
Sid: We’re 5 hours behind, so you should all have finished your golf by then :D
28: Early afternoon would be good if you can, Bea doesn’t like me using my phone at dinner with her parents!! (only kidding she’s all over supporting this!!)
Jonesy: Thanks Cap!
Jake: I’ll be ready!
Fitzy: Do we get to know the handle? Or do we have to wait for the team to let us know?
To Team: It’s nothing complicated Stevie_93_James don’t follow it yet though, the account’s there but it’ll look weird if you all start following something.
Letang: Not sure it works like that anymore but whatever you want.
Geno: More easy since no longer see likes, even nearly convince Sid is safe :D
Duke: Are we okay to copy to our stories or do you just want likes and comments? Do you want us to follow it around if its shared? Like on other accounts?
Flower: Good question Dukey boy!! What’s the play Stevie?
Sam: I second Duke’s questions. Also, just so you know Stevie, it’s been an honour to play with you this year!
To Team: honestly, I don’t mind what you do other than not getting into arguments with any idiots in the comments!! I want the people who need it to see it though so the more it’s spread the more chance of that, I guess.
To Team: You too Sammy :D
Rusty: Makes sense, the team will probably share it.
To Team: Michelle is going to write a tweet with a link, rather than share it :)
Geno: Is good plan!
To team: okay then, I think I have replies or thumbs up here from everyone so I’m going to tell Laura it’s a go! Thank you all for being awesome this year it’s been fun and I can’t wait to do it all again soon!!
Letang: Not too soon! Holiday and cup days first :D
Sid: Like you’re not already back in the gym?? So glad to have you here this season Stevie!
Geno: Sid want to see Calder when back for training camp, I’m make space on shelf in den next to mine.
Sid: Fuck off G!!!
To Team: Team Calder all the way G :D
To Team: Enjoy your summers guys. Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
- -
PensInsideScoop: As the season officially comes to an end and we get set for a summer of celebration, fundraising, family and preparation for next season I would like to take a moment to introduce you to the first social media post of our Calder Cup winning rookie. Please follow the link to Steven_93_James for the most important words on his truly amazing season.
- -
Steven_93_James.
[10 Photos attached]
A message to the 1317, to the 237 parents, the 13 coaches, the 27 teammates, the 3 witnesses, the 6 wives, the 12 partners, the 853 adults and the 464 children who have written to me over the last few months.
I hear you.
I see you.
I believe you!
When the puck left my stick at 12.58 of overtime on Thursday, and the world slowed around me as I watched that little piece of rubber pass by all those bodies and finally, hours after it left my stick, nestle in the roof of the net, I felt something that I had only ever imagined.
I threw my gloves and stick in the air, I screamed and cried, I hugged my teammates, I took the cup from Petey and skated down the ice to the cheers of the crowd, I did interviews, I took photographs around the cup with players I’d grown up pretending to be. I kissed my partner, I hugged my parents, I carried my brother around the ice waving at the crowd and I cried when I hugged my peewee coach, a surprise arranged for me by the best coaches I have ever had.
At the time, in that moment, I felt that everything I had done, everything that I had been through, was worth it for that feeling and, in that moment, MAYBE it was true.
MAYBE the cup was worth it?
MAYBE the money was worth it?
MAYBE the fame was worth it?
MAYBE the joy of that moment, surrounded by that roster of amazing people was worth it?
MAYBE the pride on my partners face was worth it?
MAYBE the tears in my dad’s eyes, the kiss from my mom or the hug from my amazing little brother were worth it?
MAYBE?
Or MAYBE NOT?
Or even, with certainty, ABSOLUTELY NOT!
Nothing will ever be worth it!
Not one moment of the future will ever make the past, my past, worth living through and no dream of reaching this moment, of your child reaching this moment, should ever silence you, should ever stop you from speaking up for yourself, for your son or daughter, for your child, your partner, your husband or wife, your friend or teammate.
I can’t promise you the Stanley cup. I can’t promise you the money. I can’t promise you an organisation, a coach, a captain, a core, a team like this one. I can’t promise you that the first person you tell will help you. I can’t promise you that it will be easy. I can’t promise you a million billion other things that I wish I could.
But I can tell you, with a certainty that I didn’t have a year ago, when everything was a maybe and my abuse and suffering was a secret known only to those doing the harm.
I didn’t deserve my past,
I didn’t deserve the abuse,
I didn’t need to survive it in order to deserve where I am now.
And as good as Thursday night was, as amazing as this season has been and as much fun as I have planned in the weeks, months and years ahead, none of it would feel this good if I was still carrying my abusers with me.
MAYBE it’ll be hard to say it,
MAYBE it’ll be hard to speak up,
MAYBE it’ll be scary to take that step,
but believe me it’s worth it.
YOU are worth it!
Xx🖤💛xx
Stevie James 93.