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Lily

Lily had been feeling terrible for weeks, so much so that she even considered whether she was hit with a stray curse while she was apparating the wounded out of battle. She quickly realized how ridiculous it was to even consider that possibility, since she only ever arrived near the end of battles. Plus, she was certain she would've felt herself get hit by a spell of any kind, let alone a curse that made her constantly nauseous to the point where she couldn't keep food down.

Not that there hadn't been plenty of battles that she was needed at since Christmas. It was as if the Dark Lord was trying to prove something after his triumph over the residents of Grimage Hill. Though what he could possibly be trying to prove beyond his own evil, she couldn't hazard a guess. Still more than ever she was needed to help the wounded Order members and citizens of Britain, muggle and magical. 

The Order's dependence on her, definitely made her feel like she made the correct choice by not taking the job in Scotland, even if her life would be significantly easier if she had. Still when it came down to making the decision something in her gut told her that she was needed here far more than in Northern Scotland. She was more than correct considering that after November, she had seen an upturn in battles, which meant more injuries, and the devastating absence of Euphemia Potter.

When Lily had heard of Fleamont's injuries, she had been heartbroken for all of the Potter’s, especially James who she knew would be struggling with both his father and mother leaving the country. The rumor was that nobody knew when the Potter’s would be back and considering their immense contribution to the cause, this was a decisive blow to the Order. Effie was the most experienced healer they had and she could handle almost any case that came her way and Monty had been supplying the Order with nearly all of their potion needs.

So Lily was trying her best to make up for their loss, considering how much they had done for her, she wanted to help continue their contribution as much as she could. Of course that wasn't all that easy considering that she had a full-time job on top of the Order’s other needs. Both Monty and Effie had resigned from their daily jobs in order to contribute their expertise fully to the cause, which meant Lily could never do as much as they did. Still, when she wasn't working at the hospital, she worked with a few other members who were passable at potions to provide what Fleamont used to do all on his own.

Lily thought that the constant stream of work was weighing on her physical and mental capacities. She was tempting fate a bit, and this long-term bug was just a result of overexertion. She was as the muggles say, burning the candle at both ends. It wasn't a big surprise that her immune system was rebelling, though she took enough pepper-up potion to get through the day.

She thought that she had been pretty subtle about her illness in the workplace, had they not been so short-staffed she might have even considered taking some time off to recuperate. However, there was no possible way that she could manage that with how overworked the rest of her coworkers were. No, Instead she was careful to be hygienic and made sure to be as discreet as possible when she felt her stomach rolling, which happened more than she cared to admit.

It wasn't until her supervisor, Healer Lisa Went, stopped her in the hall before her lunch break today that she even considered the possibility that someone else had noticed her illness. She had been walking to the lunch room, mainly to socialize considering she could barely keep food down these days and she didn't want to risk the possibility of it coming back up on a patient when she heard her name being called just after she walked past her supervisor, “Lily dear, do you mind if we have a quick chat?”

Lily froze in her place, instantly calculating through the possibilities of what this conversation could possibly be about. She had turned down the promotion that her supervisor had recommended her for long enough ago that she knew that it couldn't be a response to that. She knew she was still doing good work, as the veteran healers were constantly telling her. When she turned around to respond, her face must have shown her concern because Healer Went smiled at her, “Don't worry it's nothing bad, Lily. I just thought we could have a quick chat about something in my office.”

Lily flushed, not wanting to seem like a schoolgirl at her place of work, so she cleared her throat lightly and tried to sound confident, “Of course, Healer Went. Lead the way.”

So Lily and her supervisor walked to the woman's office, idly chatting about one of their coworkers who had just had her first baby she named, Rosie. Lily hadn't known the woman well but she knew that she was good friends with Lisa. All Lily knew was that it was a loss to the department, and she couldn't begin to imagine why someone would want to have a baby in the middle of a war.

When they arrived at Lisa’s small but comfortable office, the woman waved a hand for Lily to sit on the sofa and quickly joined her after pouring them both some tea that had been simmering, it was almost as if she had prepared for company. Healer Went took a sip of her tea before speaking in a friendly tone, “Lily, I wanted to reach out to you and ask you how you have been feeling lately?”

Lily blanched at the question, but of course, she decided to play dumb, “I am very well Healer Went, thank you for asking. I know you were disappointed that I didn't take the opportunity in Scotland but I really felt like the place I could do the most is here.”

That made Healer Went smile indulgently, “Of course, I completely agree. If I was your age I would've said the same. It was a great opportunity to be sure but there are so many people who need our help right here, please don't think I disapprove of your decision. “

“Oh, well thank you, Healer Went.” Lily found herself surprised at her supervisor, who had personally trained Lily. She had always thought of Healer Went as a severe and brilliant woman, sort of like Minerva McGonagall. Lily often found herself chasing the woman's approval even though it wasn't strictly necessary for her job, there were many veterans that could take her under their wing, but none held her interest the way Lisa Went did.

“Lily, you know you can call me Lisa, right? When you were my trainee it would be a sign of disrespect but now that you are a full healer you should begin to feel more comfortable with me. You have your own patients now and everything, you should start considering me a colleague.” Healer Went laughed good-naturedly at Lily's dumbfounded expression.

Lily managed a smile back, though she knew that it was going to be a struggle to think of this woman who she admired so much as a colleague. She could never get in the habit of calling Professor McGonagall by Minerva, no matter how many Order meetings they had attended as equals. “Thank you, Lisa. I admit that will take some getting used to.”

Lisa smiled at her, before she continued in a more serious tone, “The reason I asked you in here, is because I have noticed you have been feeling ill as of late.”

Lily knew that it would just be foolish to lie to her boss now, she was a healer she obviously knew when someone was sick, so Lily nodded, “Yes, I have been feeling sort of nauseous for a few weeks here. I haven't been eating much as many foods tend to make me feel sick.”

Lisa nodded in understanding but then she posed a couple questions for Lily, “How long would you say you've been feeling this way? Are there any other issues you've been having lately that might be related? You have been taking Pepperup potions, correct?”

Lily hadn’t realized that this chat would be turned into a check-up, but she supposed it was nice for Lisa to allow Lily the privacy of this office before she started her grilling, “Well I have been feeling ill for about three weeks I would say and I do take pepper-up potions every day. I am a bit more tired than I usually am but I have also been very busy outside of work so that might have more to do with it than anything.”

Lisa nodded, before looking at Lily quizzically for a long moment, “Would you say the potions are having no effect or just not long-lasting ones? Do you have any trouble falling asleep?”

“They usually work for about an hour and then my stomach starts feeling queasy again, though it's only really bad when I smell something strong. I have had no problems falling asleep.” She didn't; she was fast asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow most nights.

Lisa nodded resolutely as if she had just made some decision before she stood up, grabbing her wand from her desk across the room, “Lily, do you mind if I do a couple of quick examination spells?”

Lily thought it was kind of odd for her to ask after she had already retrieved her wand but she nodded her consent anyway. Lisa was quick with her ministrations, waving her wand in a clinical manner, quickly scanning the results with her eyes flitting throughout Lily's body. Lily didn't look down but she could see the slight blue glow in her vision which meant that there were no causes for concern. Lisa performed three separate spells, each varying in their complexity before she stepped back from Lily with a nervous smile.

“Well, Lily, you appear to be perfectly healthy, not even a bruise on you.”

Lily could tell that this news didn't lessen Lisa's concern for her in the slightest so she asked, “That's good news, right?”

“Of course it is. However, there is a concern that it is something more difficult for our spells to detect, which could be a cause for concern.” Her face pinched with a brief flash of unease before she shook her head and smiled once more, “There is one more test I would like to run, just to be sure. This one I need your express permission before I run it. I would like to run a blood test.”

A blood test was only really relevant in the wizarding world for blood curses and pregnancy detection. Lily found herself flushing because she seriously doubted that her boss thought that she was suffering from a mysterious blood curse. In her embarrassment, she found herself nodding her agreement, just wanting to get this over with.

Once Healer Went had collected her sample and left the room to run the analyzing spell, she wanted to slap herself. She wasn't pregnant, of that she was certain, so why did she even let Lisa do the test? She was sure if she would've refused, Lisa wouldn't have been upset. Especially when Lily explained why she was so certain she wasn’t pregnant.

Lily had taken preventative potions every single time she even thought about being intimate with James, and she could admit towards the end of their relationship there hadn’t been that many times. She was if anything diligent in her determination not to be reckless when it came to bringing another life into this torn world. 

The test would only take about five minutes to run completely, during which Lily spent the entire time mad at herself for unnecessarily putting herself through this humiliation. Not to mention that now Healer Went probably thought she was irresponsible since she was even allowing this type of test to be run.

As soon as Lisa walked through the door Lily had resolved herself to backpedal on the running of the test even though it was already done. She startled Healer Went a bit when she walked back into the room by firmly stating, “‘I’m not pregnant. I am not even sure why I said to run the test, because I know I’m not. I guess I was just nervous when you asked me. Not th–”

Healer Went must have realized that Lily would've probably started to rant in nervousness and cut her off quietly but firmly, “Lily, I have your results and they are conclusive.” She paused before sitting down next to Lily handing her the forms as she spoke the results, “I know this isn't what you were expecting but you are pregnant.”

She allowed Lily a moment to react to this as her eyes scanned the form in front of her. Healer Went was right, these results stated that she was pregnant. Not only that but they linked her symptoms with normal symptoms of pregnant women in their first trimester. According to these results she was ten weeks pregnant. That wasn't possible though, was it?

What had been going on ten weeks ago? She couldn't for the life of her get her mind to work right at the moment. “Do you have a calendar I can look at?”

Lisa retrieved the calendar she had on her desk immediately, possibly picking up on the panic in Lily’s voice as she hustled over with it. Lily took the calendar from her and counted back the weeks. Seven weeks ago was the first week in December, but her mind couldn't come up with what exactly took place that week. Surprisingly it was Lisa who made her realize as she looked back at the week Lily had her finger on, “Oh wasn't that the the week I told you about the job in Scotland? I think you had about three or four days to decide.”

“Oh fuck.” Lily barely even comprehended the fact that she had just cursed in front of her supervisor, which she would've never done if her brain could function at the moment.

Lisa was right, she had been told about the job that Tuesday and was supposed to give her answer by the end of the day Friday. She had broken up with James that Thursday night, but the night before when she had spent the whole day contemplating what she wanted to do, James had come home slightly early. He had been obvious with his intentions as he snuggled in behind her kissing her neck, a part of her had known she wasn't likely to sleep so she gave in to the urge to be close to him when she was so uncertain about everything else.

“Lily, I assume from your surprise you were taking precautions.” At her shocked nod, she continued, her tone clearly trying to calm Lily, “Were you taking potions before or after?”

“Before.” Lily's voice cracked because now she knew that it really was true, it wasn't a mistake. She hadn’t taken the potion before that occasion because she had no idea it was going to happen. More than that, she hadn’t even been sure they were going to still be together by the end of the week so it hadn’t even crossed her mind to prepare. “I know when I missed taking it. The timeline lines up perfectly.”

Lisa nodded and placed her hand on Lily’s shoulder comfortingly, her voice soothing as she spoke, “Lily I know this is so sudden and shocking to you, but remember there are many options for you and I can help you with whatever you need. If you don't want to have the baby, that is completely fine.”

Lily's immediate thought was no, she didn't want to hear the other options. That was stupid though, she was so young and her life was a mess. She was literally sleeping on a sofa that she transformed into a bed in a flat with three other girls. There was no way that she could manage a baby when she seemed barely able to manage her own life.

Instead of making a rash decision when she felt so emotional, she asked, “Do you mind if I take some time to think things through?”

Lisa agreed immediately and reminded Lily that whenever she felt ready to discuss her options and future, she was there to help. She offered Lily to take the rest of the day off, but Lily insisted she needed to stay and keep her mind off things a bit. Still, it was not easy to get through the rest of her shift with this information weighing heavily on her mind. She did decide to skip her Order duties for the night, sending a patronus to the headquarters to let them know.

Instead, she went straight back to the apartment she shared with the girls now. She had moved in the night she broke up with James, the girls had offered as soon as she stepped in the door with her tear-stained face, of course. Lily was so grateful for them, in truth she wasn't sure she would've been able to move on so quickly if it wasn't for them.

They had allowed her all the time she needed to cry about it until she was out of sadness for her former relationship and then they helped her get back to herself and her life without James. It wasn't exactly easy, he had become such an integral part of her life, but she had needed the separation she got from living with the girls. They encouraged her to keep her distance from him for a while so that they could both heal, so she had avoided seeing any of the Potter’s for the holidays.

Luckily Mary had agreed to come to her family Christmas, as her own family was celebrating early, which made the whole thing bearable. She loved her family, she really did, but they just didn't understand her world sometimes. Her parents were disappointed that she decided not to take the job, thinking that not only would their daughter be safer up North but also that it was an amazing job opportunity that she gave up for nothing. That's what they thought anyway because she not only turned down the job but she had broken up with James, who they adored. They had encouraged her to follow her passions, but they thought that if she didn't decide to go then she would still stay with James.

Mary truly was a saving grace in that little argument she had been having with her parents since she informed them of her decisions. They would've never argued with her about it in front of guests of course, but it almost seemed that they forgot about their complaints after spending the holiday with Mary. Her bubbly personality had brought a much-needed levity into their household. They seemed to love Mary, they had heard many stories from Lily about her but this was their first time meeting her.

Petunia had a different opinion and of course as did Vernon. Petunia was showing by Christmas and Lily couldn't help but think that her sister looked adorable as a pregnant woman, even given the pursed lips she seemed to always have. She mostly ignored both Lily and Mary, which was better than snide comments, so Lily took it, Vernon on the other hand had inferred that Mary’s story about a pygmy puff she once had was abnormal and inappropriate for discussion during the Christian holiday. Mary had been fully briefed on Petunia and her husband so she just laughed before telling Vernon that she grew up Christian. Lily found the puckered face he made at being proven wrong hilarious.

Lily enjoyed living with all the girls again, but Mary most of all. These days with all of them so busy, it was hard to find time just to be with each other. It was even harder when it came to Marlene and Dorcas because their free time was usually reserved for each other. Lily understood that of course, she supposed she had been the same way with James. Before she moved in here, she hadn’t been all that available for any of her friends.

She knew that it was hardest on Mary who was best friends with Marlene, she wasn't used to having to share their time together. Once Lily moved in, she noticed how Mary would withdraw from the conversation if she ever felt like she was intruding on a relationship moment between Marlene and Dorcas. She also noticed that Mary seemed to think they were having a relationship conversation, every time they were out in the main room, which meant she tended not to join group conversations more often than not. 

Mary would forever pretend that it didn't bother her that her best friend had so little time to spend with her, but Lily could see how lonely Mary was. Lily wished there was something she could do to help but she didn't think there really was. Both Dorcas and Marlene were so busy with their careers and the war, there was little time for their own relationship let alone their friendships.

As soon as Lily stepped into their flat, she could smell Mary’s famous stew cooking on the stove. It wasn't really famous anywhere except this apartment, as Mary made it frequently and it was quite delicious. She set her bag down on the couch, which would later be her bed, before heading into the kitchen to greet Mary.

Mary was standing at the stove, her curls looking particularly wild in the halfhearted bun she had thrown it in. She was wearing her pajama top and shorts ready for bed though they had yet to have dinner. Mary heard Lily come into the kitchen, turning immediately towards her with a warm smile on her face “Hey Lils! How was work, darling?”

Lily couldn't help the smile that came on her face at the sunny tone Mary always had for her, “It was ... well it was work.”

Mary seemed to understand well enough, nodding before turning back to her stew, “Oh I hear that! I swear if they don't give me an actual story to work on soon instead of just sending me on errands like I’m their personal assistant, I'm going to go crazy.”

Mary had been doing an internship with Witch Weekly, before she got a job at the Daily Profit, nearly two months ago, and Lily genuinely couldn't tell which job she hated more. Even though she was technically a writer for the Profit, she had yet to be given an actual story to cover. Lily wondered why they even bothered hiring her if they weren't going to use her talents. “Your boss is still being a prick then?”

Mary rolled her eyes in frustration, turning back to Lily, “That doesn't even cover it, Lil. I mean yes Mr. Grubner is a right dick, but the real problem is some of the other writers. Like this one Aldon Burke, his family is part of the original sacred twenty-eight or whatever that stupid pureblood nonsense is. So he refuses to write anything remotely incriminating about Death Eaters or Voldemort. The dumbest part is that Grubner keeps giving him the war pieces, even though everyone in that office knows that he's hardly going to be fair or honest in his reporting. Not to mention that he has a tendency to blame the muggles for everything he possibly can, even though they are victims in this war. It's a total conspiracy.”

“That is definitely bullshit, Mary. I'm sorry that you have to deal with assholes like that. Do you think your boss will ever actually reprimand him? I mean he has to be receiving complaints, right?” Lily asked, wondering if the truth would actually ever be printed in a paper that was so obviously bought by money and power, which the Pureblood faction of the wizarding world held an unfair majority of.

Mary sighed heavily, waving her wand towards the pot in front of her, Lily instantly recognized the stasis charm she had placed on their dinner, preventing it from overcooking or going cold. She turned around completely leaning on the counter behind her, “Honestly? I don't think people have been bothering to send in complaints these days, considering most of us are scared for our lives, the last thing they want is to paint a target on their back by insisting that the press report fairly. I hope at least that people know that not everyone at the Profit feels the way that asshole Burke does.”

Lily quite understood Mary's frustration with the system. They were both members of the Order, and even though they didn't bother hiding their identities during battles, they never flaunted that fact. Flaunting the fact that you were opposing a wizard like Voldemort was practically a one-way ticket to being six feet under, more than their blood status already was. Still, they were risking their lives to protect the very people who kept their heads down when blood supremacists threatened their very way of life. It was hard to do the right thing when everyone else seemed too cowardly. 

They were only seventeen or eighteen years old and yet it felt as if the entire wizarding world was placed on their shoulders. Sure there were the adults in the Order that did their part but Lily knew she wasn't the only one who recognized how much of the Order was made up of Hogwarts graduates from the past five years. Seriously, why did it seem like no adults cared what happened to their world?

“I'm sure they know that, Mary. Still, it's not fair at all.”

Mary nodded, obviously still bothered by the lack of motivation for the war effort from her colleagues, but she passed on a half smile before asking, “Enough about my terrible job, why was your day so bad? Usually, you seem all invigorated after a day of helping people.”

Lily tried to muster a smile at her friend's teasing but she knew it just looked tired, “It was just a really long day, ya know?”

Mary nodded, seeming to take the hint that Lily didn't particularly seem to want to talk about her day. Thankfully, Mary was incredible and decided to take the lead in the conversation, steering it away from her terrible day. Was that even the right word for it? “Well there was one bright spot of my day, I actually managed to drag Peter off to lunch today, after trying for about two weeks.”

Lily couldn't help but smile, she had always admired the friendship between Mary and Peter. They were such an unlikely pair from the outside but once you knew them both, they were practically the same person. They always seemed to get each other in a way the rest of their friends never seemed to understand. If anyone could be more excited about Peter's upcoming baby than its parents it would be Mary, who had already purchased multiple onesies for the baby though she did not know what gender they would have yet.

“That's great, how is Peter doing?” Lily asked, having not seen Peter in at least a month, silently cursing how adulthood had pulled her apart from her closest friends.

Mary strolled over to the small dining room table and sat in the chair across from Lily, “Oh Lily, I have never seen him so stressed out. It's like ten times worse than he was for the OWL’s, the poor man looks like he's lost ten stone.”

Lily frowned slightly, she wondered if it was the war, impending parenthood, or the general crushing expectations of life that had her friend in such a way. “I suppose he has more to be stressed out about than he did back then. We all do really, even though back then the stakes seemed so high.”

Mary looked at her curiously for a moment before saying, “You are rather maudlin this evening.” In true Mary fashion, she was as always painfully honest, but quickly continued the conversation as if she had said nothing, “Yeah, I can hardly believe what Pete and Maggie are going through right now. Can you even imagine? All the same shit we are dealing with all while being weeks away from having to raise a child through this mess of a world we live in.”

It took everything Lily had not to flinch at her friend's words though they hurt more than she wanted to admit. Even though just yesterday she probably felt the exact same way. How could someone want to raise a kid with how messed up everything was now? Lily could now understand Peter and Magdalene, while they hadn't planned to be parents at such an early age, they adjusted to it the best way they could. In fact, Lily now had a newfound appreciation for how well the two of them had reacted to such shocking news. 

Lily just nodded along as Mary continued, all while her mind was racing about how she was now in their exact position but worse because she wasn't even still in a relationship with her baby’s father. “I mean I love them, you know that and Merlin knows I am going to love that baby, but it's just crazy that accidents like this happen when there are like ten different types of birth control nowadays and they're so easily accessible.”

Yeah, that's what Lily used to think too, how could someone forget to take any birth control when it's so easy to be prepared. All it took was one mistake, which Lily now knew for a fact, so she could no longer afford to be hypocritical. She didn't know much about the protection Peter and Maggie use, she would never ask such a personal question, but neither of them was dumb so she was sure it was really just a small mistake like hers.

“It's not that I have never been lost in the moment, I mean who hasn't been, but there are options for after if you happen to forget, you almost have to try to forget to take them. I know it–”

“I’m pregnant.”

Lily didn't know what came over her, one minute she was listening to Mary rant about safe sex and internally berating herself for her own mistake when before she knew it she was blurting it out. From the look of utter shock on Mary's face, that part had not been an internal thought at all.

Mary gaped at her for a moment, her voice coming out strained as she asked, “What?”

Lily felt her cheeks heat up and even though a part of her wanted to cry, she was mostly embarrassed because Mary had just gotten done saying that it was hard to accidentally get up the duff these days. “I–I’m pregnant, Mary.”

Mary looked at her for a long moment, still appearing to be in shock, before clearing her throat lightly, “Holy shit. When did you find out?”

Lily looked at the clock, so she could be accurate, she was nothing if not precise, “About three hours ago.”

Mary’s eyes widened comically in surprise before something like a hesitant smile came across her face, “Wait, am I the first person you told?”

Lily rolled her eyes at her friend, “Yes, Mary you are the first person I have told besides my boss who gave me the test in the first place.”

“I can't pretend that doesn't make me feel good, but the most important question is how do you feel about this?” Mary questioned, placing her hand on Lily’s from across the table. Lily had to admit that the contact was more comforting than she expected it to be, she had been feeling so alone since she found out. It felt as though it was all on her, even though it took two to make a baby.

Lily shrugged, three hours wasn't nearly enough time to know how she felt about the biggest thing that had ever happened to her. For Merlin's sake, she had spent three days making a decision about a job and had still not known what she would say till she stepped into her workplace that morning. This was much bigger than that and as much as she wanted to make a pro and con list about it right now, she knew that wasn't always the answer. No, this decision was less about facts and more about her feelings on the matter.

“I don't know. I mean I’m not even sure it's even fully sunk in, but it also hasn't left my mind since I found out. It's just I didn't expect this at all. I mean you know me, I prefer to have a plan and this was definitely not my plan.”

Mary nodded in understanding, having known Lily well enough over the past seven years to know she was a planner through and through, “That's completely understandable, Lil. I’m sorry about my little rant before, of course, I understand that accidents happen. I know you and James certainly didn't plan this.”

Lily shrugged, not blaming her friend in the slightest, after all, that would make her even more of a hypocrite. “Don't worry about that Mary, trust me. Before today I thought that it was perfectly avoidable too. I forgot that sometimes people's brains are too full to consider repercussions.”

“So you remember exactly when it happened?” Mary asked hesitantly as if she wasn't sure if it was rude to ask or not. Lily was hardly offended by the question, at least not when it was coming from Mary.

“It was two days before I broke up with James,” Lily admitted, a little guiltily, while she hadn’t known for sure that they were going to break up, she had at least suspected it. She hoped Mary didn't think she had used James or something.

Of course, she should’ve known that Mary would never judge her. She was by far the most understanding and accepting person that Lily knew. Mary smiled sadly at her as if she knew what Lily was thinking, “Oh honey, that must have been such a confusing time for you. Your head was a complete mess, I'm not surprised that it slipped your mind after the fact. That was such a stressful week for you.”

Lily couldn't help herself, her eyes started watering, Mary immediately shifted to hug her tightly. Lily started crying in earnest as soon as her friend embraced her. It felt good to let out the emotions that had been dogging her all day, hell for weeks. All the nausea and vomiting had caused her more distress than she allowed herself to admit before today. She had spent weeks confused about what was happening with her and now she finally knew and it was the type of thing that changed your life forever.

She didn't know how long she sat there crying, but she knew it was long enough that Mary probably had a crick in her neck from the angle she was bending to support her friend, still she never complained. After a while, the tears slowed till they finally dried up, though it still took her a bit to pull back from her friend's comforting embrace. Her voice was scratchy and exhausted when she finally spoke, “God, I'm so sorry, Mary. You must think I am the most dramatic girl in London.”

Mary looked at her with a soft smile on her face, apparently not too bothered by her using her friend as a literal shoulder to cry on. Her voice was calm and sweet as she spoke softly to Lily, “Now what do you think friends are for if they aren't here to pick you up in your toughest times? There is absolutely nothing for you to apologize about. Stop worrying what anyone else thinks of you, you are allowed to have your reaction.”

Lily smiled at her, almost not believing that she was real. Lily had spent every moment since she found out about her pregnancy beating herself up about the mistake and what it might mean for her life and James’s, but only a few minutes of Mary finding out and she had both understood and validated her. “I truly don't deserve you.”

Mary shook her head in disbelief, “Of course you do. You deserve everything, Lily.”

The two of them sat in comfortable silence for a few moments before Mary spoke again, sounding like the journalist she was, “Okay so that was what two months ago? So you must be somewhere between eight to ten weeks, right?” 

“Ten weeks.” 

At her confirmation, Mary nodded, all business once more, “Okay so ten weeks is still pretty early, you aren't even out of your first trimester yet. You have plenty of time to make any decisions about this pregnancy and–”

“I don't want to.” Lily hadn't realized that she was interrupting Mary until the words had already come out of her mouth. Mary looked at her curiously, but seemed to be waiting for her to continue so Lily did, “Not that I don't want to make the decision, but I don't–. It's just that even though I have only known about them for a few hours, now that I do know I can't imagine–” Not meeting this baby, the words didnt come out of her mouth, but Mary seemed to understand anyway.

She had suspected that her decision would come to that, the curiosity and affection that she already held for this being growing inside of her. She already wondered if they would take after her or James more. If the baby’s behaviors would lean more toward her own perfectionist tendencies or James’s chaotic disposition. She couldn't imagine not getting to find out what they would grow up to become.

She must've been quiet for too long, because when Mary spoke her voice was tentative like she thought Lily might burst into tears once more, “Lily, do you want to have the baby?”

Lily took a long moment, just letting herself breathe, even though she was scared. Scared of how her friend would react, scared to see how James would react, and just scared to take this giant leap into something she was no way prepared for. She nodded in response to her friend's question, “I know that it's probably ridiculous and stupid to want to do this, but I can't help but feel like it's what I need to do. A war might be the worst possible moment for someone to decide to raise a baby, and even though I would've never planned it this way, now that it's what has happened, it's all I want.”

Mary rolled her eyes at Lily, surprising her with the nonchalance of the action, “Please Lily, it hardly makes you stupid to want to have the baby that you created. No matter what is happening around you, this is your child and if you feel ready to have the baby then it's nobody else's business.”

“The thing is I don't feel ready, that's what makes me stupid. I mean look at my life, Mary. I literally sleep in a living room and I don't even have a real bed. I'm constantly busy with work and the war effort, not to mention that eventually I would like to be able to have a social life. Yet here I am bringing a child into my disaster of a life.”

Mary actually scoffed at Lily, dismissively, “Please Lily, you are the most put-together person I know. The only reason you live in a living room is because you only moved in a couple months ago, there is plenty of time for you to find a new place. Sure you don't have much of a social life, but to be honest none of us do. I mean Lily you are literally not even twenty yet, you can hardly expect to have everything in order. You need to look at the things you do have going for you that would make you an amazing mother. I mean you are a kickass healer, so that kids never going to get sick. You are probably the best listener in the world, you are so smart, and you have a great sense of humor. Not to mention that you are totally gorgeous.”

Lily couldn't help but laugh at her friend's little speech, “How exactly does my physical appearance prepare me for motherhood?”

Mary grinned at Lily, obviously noticing the uptick in her mood, “Duh, you and James are both fit as hell, that means your baby is going to be the cutest.”

Lily laughed once more at Mary, feeling like a weight came off her chest. She was going to keep this baby, as scary as it was. Her friend even supported her decision which made her feel like she was making the right one. Plus it was true, this baby would be beautiful.

************************************

James

“Why would Lily be coming over?” Sirius called, his voice slightly muffled from the shower he was taking. James didn’t mind that Sirius had a propensity for leaving the bathroom door open, he was plenty used to it. Seven years of living together had taught James that Sirius didn’t particularly like to be alone with his thoughts, he preferred to at least know there was someone else for him to talk to. 

James had no problem indulging him, by leaning against the bathroom door frame and chatting about what they each had going on for the night. He missed his friend, even with him living there. Sometimes it felt like they were two ships passing in the night, they were so busy. That was another reason why James was indulging Sirius, their busy schedules and Remus’ new mission from Dumbledore meant that his friend had to be alone with his thoughts much more than he had before. They tended to have opposite schedules which meant that the manor felt even more empty even though both Remus and Sirius had moved in.

“Uhh I don't actually know, she just sent an owl last night to check whether tonight was still my night off. She just said she needed to talk or something.” James spoke nonchalantly even though it wasn't really what he was feeling. He had been sort of nervous when he got that letter from Lily, he hadn’t spoken to her in weeks. He couldn’t help the anxiety that flooded him when she told him that she would be coming over to talk tonight.

Sirius, who had been in the middle of shampooing based on the soap piled in his hair pulled the curtain to the side, sticking his head out to get a better look at James. “That's all she said? Prongs, you know what that means right?”

James tilted his head, although he suspected he knew what Sirius was going to say, “Hmm maybe she wants to talk to me about something, Pads.”

Sirius rolled his eyes before pulling his head back in the shower to rinse the suds out of his hair. “Please Potter, modesty really isn't your best look. I mean it's obvious that she misses you. And why wouldn't she? You're a fucking catch, brother.”

James chuckled at Sirius’s flattery, crossing his arms, “Thanks Padfoot, at least I'll always have you to stroke my ego.”

“James, are you seriously telling me that you don't miss Lily? That if she came over here and told you she missed you you wouldn't be thrilled.” Sirius asked pointedly from behind the curtain.

James knew that was what everyone thought. They assumed that since Lily was the one who had ended their relationship and since he had been the one obsessed with her for half their career at Hogwarts, he was just waiting for her to change her mind and take him back. The thing was James still thought the world of Lily and he had genuinely been hurt when they had broken up, but the more weeks that had passed since it happened, the more he realized that it had been the correct decision for both of them.

He loved Lily, but he wasn't sure if it was mainly romantic love he felt for her or just general love for someone he cared about. The more he considered this, the more he realized that he probably shouldn’t have started a relationship with her until he had sorted out these feelings.

He shook his head at Sirius’ question, willing his friend to understand. “Of course I miss Lily. I miss her all the time but I think the thing I miss the most about her is our friendship. The times when we didn’t have the whole relationship hanging over our heads, but when we could just be ourselves.” 

Sirius stuck his head out of the curtain again, a curious look on his face, “You never told me that. When did you decide?”

“Decide what?” James furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, he wasn’t sure what Sirius meant.

“Decide that you weren't in love with Lily.” The way he said it was so matter of fact. James hadn’t said that exactly but Sirius knew him well enough to gather that he felt that way. It was sometimes a little disconcerting how well Sirius knew him, sometimes better than he knew himself.

James sighed, not really sure if this was the right time to discuss how complicated his feelings were on the matter. He would’ve preferred to have the discussion when they could look each other in the eye, also it might be nice if he could have this discussion when his friend wasn’t bare assed naked. “It's not that I don't love her, I just don’t know what kind of love I feel for her. I think I might've forced myself to move too quickly with her, ya know?”

Sirius frowned, pulling his head out of the curtain once more to look at James directly, “But you didn’t move that fast, right? I mean you guys skated around each other for months before you even kissed. Remus and I moved a lot quicker than you guys, so are you sure that’s really the problem?”

James shook his head, Sirius didn’t understand him. He was either willfully ignoring the fact that during that “skating around” period James had been healing from his former relationship or he had actually somehow forgotten that James had been in a relationship with his younger brother for a year. James didn’t want to upset Sirius by bringing it up, but it seemed like Sirius genuinely wanted to know how he was feeling. 

James hesitated slightly before speaking in a cautious tone, so as to not upset Sirius. “It's just– I moved really fast with… my previous relationship and I was so invested in that future, I think part of me had a harder time moving on than I thought. Lily helped me a lot when I was just coming back to acting like myself again. When Lily started indicating that she was interested in me, I had been depressed for so long that I felt like I sort of jumped at the opportunity. Lily had been so great to me all year and I think a part of me felt like being with her would help me move on fully. I don't know that I was necessarily ready to hop back into a serious commitment so soon, but I did anyway and that might have been a mistake.”

Sirius turned off the water but didn't move to get out of the shower, the silent tension in the air was palpable. James worried that he shouldn't have been honest with Sirius, but he made a promise to himself that he wouldn't lie to his friend again. He hadn’t really told Sirius everything that Lily had said to him when they broke up, mainly because he had already done his full rant with Peter. Part of the reason was also because he didn't like to mention his former relationship with Regulus, because he knew that Sirius still thought of it as a huge betrayal, one that he had put aside when James had gotten depressed but had never really been resolved.

When Sirius finally spoke, his voice was calm, but quiet in a way that Sirius usually wasn’t, which made James nervous, “You mean you aren't over Regulus. Is that why the two of you broke up? Not because she decided that the two of you were better off as friends like you told me. Did you lie to me again, James?”

James immediately denied it, he hadn’t lied to Sirius but he had purposely avoided the argument that he knew would happen if Sirius found out that Lily thought James was still in love with Regulus. “No that's not true, Sirius. That is what Lily said. She also said that she thought I was still hung up on my past relationship. She’s wrong about that, I’m not still in love with Regulus or anything. I just mean that I should've waited to heal before I started a new relationship. It wasn’t fair to Lily or me to force anything before I was ready.”

Sirius stepped out of the shower, grabbing a towel to wrap around his waist, his expression more annoyed than anything. He stepped closer to James before spitting a hard cold truth in his face, “Good, I'll remind you in case you forgot to take off your rose-colored glasses. My brother is a Death Eater, James. If you are sitting here pining after him like some love-struck puppy, you are wasting your time. I doubt that even if he wasn’t Voldemort's lapdog, he would want you back anyway. I think he made that pretty clear the last time you spoke.”

James couldn't help but flinch at something he knew for a fact. Still, it hurt to have Sirius throw that in his face as if it was something James had forgotten. He had told the truth, he wasn't pining after Regulus Black, the person who had hurt him more than anyone ever had before.  Still to hear his best friend in the world tell him that he essentially thought James’s feelings were pathetic, hurt. Sirius was also technically wrong, the last time they had spoken wasn’t when Regulus was breaking up with him, but that moment in the corridor last year, the one James hadn’t told a soul about. The one that had allowed James to fully move on and pursue a relationship with Lily. 

Sirius didn't wait before walking past him and slamming the door of his room, apparently preferring his own thoughts to being around James.

Sirius left pretty shortly after, for his patrol that night, without saying anything to James on his way out. Not that James tried to speak to his friend as he watched him step into the flu. See James wasn't exactly thrilled with Sirius either, he didn't think his friend was being fair at all. He had wanted James to open up about what happened between him and Lily and yet when James did, he freaked out on him. Not just that he had purposely tried to hurt James in his anger.

James ended up having to shove his thoughts about how childish Sirius was being aside when Lily apparated through the wards an hour later. She was one of the few who had clearance to do so, but James could still feel it when someone came with her to the wards. He was surprised to see Mary next to Lily when he opened the doors, as he had felt a second presence within the wards. 

His eyes landed on Lily first and his first thought was that she looked more beautiful than she had the last time he had seen her, though it was possible it was just because he hadn't seen her in months. Still, her long copper hair rested on her shoulders in shiny waves and the small smile she gave James made him realize how much he had missed her. His eyes flickered to Mary next who looked much more confident than Lily to be standing outside James’s door, “Aye Potter, you going to make us sit out here all night.”

James couldn't help the grin that flooded his face at Mary’s chipper tone, it had been much too long since he had seen her. He was immediately brought back to all the times she had teased him while they were sitting in the Gryffindor common room, the warmth that filled him was all too familiar. “Of course, come in! It's great to see you both.” He stepped aside so that the two girls could come in. “Are either of you hungry?”

It was past dinner time, almost eight but Effie Potter had drilled manners into her son, so he would never have guests over without making sure there was something for them to eat. Mary smiled widely at him, James noticed that Lily still hadn't spoken, mainly deferring to Mary, “Oh no thank you, James. We had some leftover stew before we came over. You are sweet to ask though.”

James smiled brightly at both of them, “My mother's training, she would take a portkey here the moment she heard me forget to offer company food and drink.”

The girls laughed at that, though it was obvious that Mary was much more comfortable being here than Lily. James figured it was better to cut to the chase, “So what can I help you ladies with?”

“Come on James, is it really so hard to believe that two pretty girls would come by just to visit with you?” Mary teased good-naturedly.

James rolled his eyes, but the smile never left his face, he truly had missed Mary. “Normally I would say no, but considering the advance notice, I'm assuming there's more to this visit.”

Mary laughed, her eyes flickering to Lily before she spoke again, “You are much too suspicious, Potter. Do you mind if I run to the loo quick?”

Mary was only out of the room for thirty seconds when Lily wandered over to the mantle over the fireplace, the one that held family pictures from when James was young. She stopped by a particular one, before picking it up and speaking, “How have you been, James?”

James frowned, confused as to why that picture was relevant to how he was doing. He stepped closer to her glancing over her shoulder to see the picture, it was him and his father. Fleamont had been teaching him how to fly when he was three, he had James on the front of his broom holding him tight. They were both laughing maniacally as they struggled to get balanced a few feet off the ground. That was his father's favorite picture of them, he had told James that many times.

He cleared his throat lightly, not wanting to think about how much he missed his dad right now. “I've been alright. Things are quiet here, even with Remus and Sirius moving in.”

Lily nodded, before setting the picture back on the mantle. She turned to him, a sad smile on her face as she spoke. “I know I should've reached out to you when I heard about Monty, I don't really even have an excuse for not doing it. I did send him an owl though, to check in and make sure he and your mom were well.”

James already knew that, his mother had told him as soon as she had received the letter. He thought it was sweet how caring Lily was, he hadn't even considered that she would send him a letter. “I know, they told me. They were really touched by that. Don't worry about me though, you certainly didn't need to send me a letter.”

Lily looked at him curiously, the way she used to when they were first becoming friends, as if he was a mystery that she had yet to figure out. ”James, we are friends, right? We said we were going to be friends again, didn't we?”

James knew what they had said, but it didn't really feel like they had been acting on it. He didn't really blame either of them for needing their time to heal from the end of their relationship, but it had been a long time since they had even spoken let alone talked like friends. He knew that he was partially to blame for not reaching out, especially when he finally knew what he wanted. He had just gotten done telling Sirius that he wasn't meant to be friends with Lily, so why hadn't he reached out?

James scratched the back of his neck, “I want to be, but no I don't think we've really been acting like it.”

Lily nodded in agreement, before sighing, “I should've reached out, not just because of your dad but just to see how you were doing. This war has been hard for everyone, but you especially have been so immersed in it all. I'm sorry for not being a better friend to you.”

“Lily, please don't say that. I have been no better friend to you and maybe I should reach out to you first. Actually, I won't lie and say I never thought about it but something always stopped me from actually sending a letter or calling through the flu.” James felt terrible, he didn't want Lily to feel like she had done anything wrong. He was the one who had been unable to tell her that he wanted to grow old with her, it should be on him to make amends, not her.

Lily smiled at him, still a little sad but with a layer of understanding, “It's okay James, I felt the same. I didn't know how you felt after everything and I will admit I needed my time too. Still, I don't want us to get to that point ever again. I don't want to go months without talking to you. I need to have you back in my life, you are one of my favorite people in the world to talk to and I've missed you so much.”

James didn't hesitate before stepping in and hugging Lily tightly, he had missed her so much. “We won't, I promise.”

A moment later they parted again, Lily seemed a bit lighter than she had before the hug. He wondered whether she had needed one in general or if a hug from him actually meant something to her. She stepped back a bit before her face went a little serious, “Good, now that we are on the same page with that. I have to tell you that I don't want to get back together.”

James’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion, he had not expected her to say that, “Okay, I don't think we should get back together either.”

Lily looked a bit amused at that, though she didn't fully smile, “Good.”

“Do you mind if I ask why you brought that up?” James asked curiously, figuring she brought it up for a specific reason.

“I just wanted to make sure we were both in agreement before I told you what I came here to tell you.” 

James nodded, though he was still a bit confused. He had sort of thought that she had come here to talk about them being friends again, “Okay, what do you have to tell me?”

Lily looked at him, her expression vaguely anxious, before letting out a sigh, “I'm pregnant, James.”

..

…..

……..

…..

..

There was a static filling James’s ears as he looked at Lily’s face, not comprehending her words. He could see that she was speaking but he didn't understand a thing that she was saying. His brain quite literally couldn't seem to get back to a functioning state as he stared at her, her mouth seemed to be moving a mile a minute but his ears felt like they had cotton in them.

“--ey doesn't always work that way, but with all the other symptoms I had been having it's in line with the usual symptoms of a woman in her tenth week of pregnancy.” Lily was speaking so fast that even when his ears stopped buzzing, he could barely understand her. Or maybe it was less that she was talking fast and more that the entire room seemed to be rushing around him.

He stumbled back to the sofa, practically falling back into the cushion. His voice was decidedly not steady when he spoke, not even registering whether Lily had finished speaking yet or not, “Tenth week? You've been pregnant this whole time?”

Lily seemed to take pity on him, stepping in front of him, and taking a seat on the coffee table across from him. She reached out to touch his leg which appeared to be shaking uncontrollably, her voice was calm and gentle as if he was a horse she didn't want to spook, “Yes, I know that it's not ideal, but I think it happened that last night we were together. Talk about timing, right?”

James was not at the point where he could find humor in this, unlike Lily apparently, “When did you find out?”

Lily gave him a look that told him that she had already told him this, but she didn't say anything as she repeated the story of how she had found out only a few days prior. James listened raptly, finding himself rather impressed with how Lily managed to go back to work after getting the news.

He sat there in shock as she continued speaking, grateful that she wasn't expecting him to be all that eloquent in his reaction, “I know this might seem selfish but I've already made the decision, and I'm hoping that you will back me up on this. I want to have the baby, even if we are way too young for it and not at all prepared. Something in me tells me that I need this baby as much as they need me, does that make sense?”

James wasn't actually shocked about that piece of information, the rest of it still had him reeling though. It had never even crossed his mind that they would decide not to have the baby, that might be in part because he had only just found out, but still, the decision felt right. “I know I just found out, but I'll tell you right now that I 100% agree with your decision and I will be fully involved with anything and everything that I can be.”

Lily looked as if a weight fell off her shoulders the moment James agreed with her, he wondered if she had been worried about his reaction since she found out. She smiled at him, her eyes shining with relief, “Thank you, James. It means a lot for you to be in this with me. I know it's probably not fair of me to be doing this during the war and with us being so young but I just have to.”

James reached out to touch Lily’s shoulder, squeezing comfortingly, “Of course it's fair, it's our life, right? The war already affects so much of our lives, we shouldn't let it stop us from starting a family too.”

Lily smiled at James, seeming to appreciate his words, “Still it's going to be so hard, James. What if we can't do it?”

James nodded, finding that he felt a lot more confident about everything knowing that Lily was just as scared as him, “Of course we can do it. Even if it does get hard, once that baby is born I think we will find ourselves capable of much more than we think.”

Suddenly a voice from behind them bellowed, pulling them out of the moment they had been having, “Plus it won't just be you two, you have way too many friends and family members to hog that baby all to yourselves.”

James looked back to find Mary leaning against the doorway to the hallway, he wondered how long she had been listening for. It was obvious that she hadn't actually had to go to the bathroom, but had just made herself scarce for them to have this conversation. He was surprised by the sound of Lily’s laughter next to him, he glanced over and saw her eyes trained on Mary, filled with amusement. He found himself happy that Lily had moved out and was able to spend more time with Mary. They had always been friends but he never thought she had been close enough to tell Mary this huge news first, but she obviously did and she had clearly helped her move beyond her freakout stage.

He smiled at them both as Mary made her way over to the armchair on his left, “Right you are, Mary. See Lil, we have almost too much help between Mary, Marlene, Dorcas, Remus, Sirius, Peter, Magdalene, and both of our families. We will be begging for alone time with our child after everyone gets their turn to babysit.”

Lily smiled widely at that, amusement written all over her face before she froze, her face falling a bit, “Oh no, Tuney is going to freak out.”

James tried to hold back his snort, but Mary certainly didn't, laughing loudly at the thought of Petunia Dursley’s face when she discovered that her sister had gotten pregnant at the same time as her. Lily didn't laugh but her lips twisted in amusement, “It's not funny. She was so set on this being her special time of starting a family and she's going to think I'm trying to upstage her again.”

James rolled his eyes, “Fuck her then.” 

Mary giggled at James’s abrasive solution before adding, “Besides Lil, at least this way she can always hold it over your head that you had a child out of wedlock and she didn't.”

Lily gaped at her friend, though James could see she wasn't really insulted by it, “Shut up, Mary.”

James realized that even though Lily didn't seem to mind Mary’s words, he should probably make the offer. Just a couple of months ago he had offered to marry her, though he had a better handle on his feelings for her now, it didn't mean he still wouldn't if that's what she wanted. He cleared his throat, dragging both of their attention to him, “Uh Lily, do you want to have the baby in wedlock? I mean do you think we should get married?”

It wasn't really a big deal in the wizarding world, but James had never understood the muggles that well, and maybe it would be improper for Lily to have a child outside of marriage. Lily looked towards Mary before turning back to James with way too much amusement for someone who had just been proposed to, kinda. “James, didn't we just go over that we wanted to just be friends and not get back together? I know we are having a baby together now and it's sweet of you to offer, but I think we can create a much happier life for our child without those types of labels, don't you think?”

James agreed, he had never wanted a marriage of convenience before and he didn't want one now. That didn't mean that he didn't want Lily and the baby close. He nodded in agreement with her assertion, “I agree, but I thought I should ask just in case. Now I know you might want to argue with me on this, but I really think you should move back in.”

Lily looked surprised by his words, “What?”

“I know you love living with the girls and everything but it's not a big apartment and you need your space. Plus when the baby does come, if you lived here then we could raise them together without shuttling between two different places.” At Lily's contemplating expression he continued, “Come on Lil, you know there is plenty of space here, especially without Mom and Dad here. This is way too big of a house for just me, I get pretty lonely when the boys are gone.”

Lily bit her lip, unsure of herself as she glanced back at Mary, “I don't know, James. Do you think it will be weird for me to move back in here?”

James shook his head, looking over to Mary who looked a bit sad at the possibility of Lily moving out. “No, I don't think so, like I said there are more than enough bedrooms. Hell, the girls could even move in if you would prefer it.” 

Lily laughed a bit at that before looking back at Mary who looked shocked by her offer, “What do you think Mary? Would you rather stay as a third wheel in a tiny flat or move into a manor in the countryside with me?”

Mary seemed to take a moment before registering that Lily had been speaking to her, “Oh I couldn't. I mean I pay rent there, it wouldn't be right for me to just move out.”

“Don't worry about that, Mary. You can continue paying rent there like normal but move into one of the spare rooms here. It's not as if either of you will be paying rent here. Only three of the rooms are taken, so there's plenty of space for everyone to do their own thing here.” James offered kindly, but he was finding he liked the idea of the girls moving in more and more.

Mary and Lily looked like they were having a nonverbal discussion before Lily finally spoke again, seemingly for both of them. “We will move in, I think Dorcas and Marlene might prefer to have the flat to themselves. Still, we will need to discuss this with them and move all our stuff over. We probably wouldn't move in for a week or two.”

James grinned at them both, he still felt a bit off-kilter from the news but he couldn't say he wasn't happy that the house would be filled once more. “Great, look at us becoming one big happy family.”

******************************

James hadn’t realized how long had passed since Lily and Mary had taken their leave, but he knew that he had already polished off multiple glasses of Ogden’s Old Firewhiskey, from his father's personal stash. He had mostly been staring at the flames in the fireplace thinking about how he was about to be a father, when suddenly the flames flared green and Sirius stepped through.

Sirius, who apparently had finished his patrol, which must have made it at least midnight, stepped through the flames quickly finding James with his eyes. He looked confused to see James sitting there, probably assuming he was waiting for him. James honestly hadn’t even thought about Sirius since he had found out he was going to be a father. Sirius spoke first, surprising James as his friend had a habit of holding a grudge, “What are you still doing up? Don't you have a strict bedtime when you don't have patrol?”

James didn't bother pretending to find Sirius’s teasing mood amusing. His entire life was shifting off its axel and the person who was supposed to be there for him no matter what had been completely unwilling to listen to James earlier. His voice was harsh and cold as he asked,  “What are you already over your tantrum from earlier?”

Sirius looked a little shocked that James was bringing up their tiff from earlier, probably because James almost always let Sirius get away without apologizing for his behavior, no matter how bad it got. Something in James wouldn't allow him to let Sirius off so easily this time, maybe it was the fact that he was about to be a father and he hardly would have time for Sirius’s tantrums in the future. If Sirius was an adult then it was time he started acting like it. 

“Come on James, you know I didn't mean it. I was just overwhelmed by the new information.”

“What didn't you mean, Sirius?” James asked harshly, not letting Sirius off the hook for once.

Sirius looked a little surprised by the questioning, obviously not expecting the third degree. “What?”

“Do you mean you didn't mean to freak out at me or that you didn't mean to let me think I could actually open up to you?” James asked, not even bothering to hide the venom in his tone.

Sirius looked as if he had been slapped, not being able to handle the thought that he had hurt James. “James, of course, you can open up to me.” 

“Really? Because I was just trying to be honest with you about my feelings and you went out of your way to make me feel bad for having them.” James knew he was being harsh, but he was so sick of having this Regulus-sized weight hovering over them.

Sirius looked a bit panicked as he tried to make an excuse, “I wasn't trying to, I just have a hard time hearing about him.”

“Well get over it.”

Sirius’s eyes widened like he couldn't believe that James dared to say that to him, “Excuse me. What the f-”

“You can't have a tantrum every time someone mentions something you don't want to talk about Sirius.” James interrupted, rolling his eyes at his friend's dramatic behavior.

Sirius looked unbalanced as he sputtered out uncertainty, “I-I don't.” 

James stood up from the couch, setting down his glass sharply on the coffee table, “You do and frankly I'm sick of tip-toeing around you. So whatever you want to say about it, say it now and be done with it.”

“Say what exactly?” Sirius asked, though, in James’s opinion, he should already know what he was talking about. He should already know who this was about, who it's always been about. 

There was once a time when Regulus was everything to Sirius, all that was right with the world. Sirius had been the one to poison that, along with the help of his parents keeping them apart. Still for years, no matter how much Sirius claimed to hate his little brother, James knew differently, Regulus was still the center of his brother's world. Except Sirius hadn’t been the one to make amends with his brother, James had, and a little part of Sirius resented James for stealing that from him. He stole Sirius’s ability to be the bigger person, who forgave his brother's wrongdoings and saw the good in him.

“Say what you want to about Regulus or Lily, or anything that you've been holding back to save my feelings,” James demanded, unable to handle another minute of the lies Sirius fed him.

Sirius must have known deep down that this was where James was heading, as he looked more contentious than surprised, “What makes you think that I have been holding anything back?”

“I know you, Sirius. You have things you want to say to me that you never got a chance to say because I was falling apart. I'm all better now which means you need to come out and say your peace.”

Sirius actually scoffed at that, “Please you're hardly all better, James.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” James knew that he was better, and he didn't like Sirius’s insinuating that he was still broken.

“If you were all better then you wouldn't still be hung up on someone who treated you like shit!” Sirius blurted out, looking a bit surprised at himself for saying the words, but he didn't backpedal on them.

“That's not true. I already told you I'm not hung up on him and he didn't really treat me like shit.” James had said before that he wasn't hung up on Regulus, why did Sirius not seem to hear him when he said it? He didn't think it was fair to say that Regulus had treated him badly because he hadn't, until the end.

Sirius rolled his eyes in frustration as he gritted out, “James I had to watch as you fell apart in a way I never thought you could. You were always my rock and the fact that I had to watch you going through hell knowing it was all my fault was worse than any pain I have ever felt. So don't stand there and try to tell me that everything was sunshine and daisies between you because I’m not that fucking blind.”

James threw up his hands in frustration, not understanding what Sirius even meant by that, “What are you talking about? How was any of that your fault?”

Sirius turned away slightly as he spoke, clearly not wanting to look James in the eyes, his voice quiet almost ashamed, “He's my brother, James. If he weren't, if we didn't share the same last name, then you would've never had any reason to interact with him and he would've never destroyed you the way he did. It's my fault that you spent what was supposed to be the best summer of your life as a complete zombie. I can't even blame his callousness on my parents because they hardly wanted anything to do with him until he went to Hogwarts. I practically raised him, and it's my fault he treated you the way he did.”

James couldn't believe his ears, that this was honestly what Sirius thought. That he was the puppet behind their entire relationship. James couldn't speak for Sirius's comment on raising Regulus, though it made him sad to think about the little boys who only had each other once upon a time. Regulus hadn't been perfect, particularly at the end, but he had had so many good times with him that James didn't think it was fair that Sirius wanted to claim those from him. The truth was that his relationship wasn't just some fluke, he had noticed Regulus first because he was Sirius’s little brother but it had never been about that. James had plenty of other reasons to notice Regulus Black, his looks, his quidditch ability, his wit, and did he mention his looks?

The first time that they had ever been together in anyways was a quickie hookup that was probably more embarrassing for both of them than sensual. When he looked back at that moment, all he saw were too horny boys who were scared to look beyond the Hogwarts walls, so they found solace in each other. Obviously, it had grown from that, but it had always been more about their own fears and insecurities than the fact that Regulus was a Black.

James felt his temper simmer a bit, feeling for his friend's guilt, but he needed him to listen now, his voice came out firm and sure. “Is that honestly what you think? Frankly, that's the biggest load of bullshit I've ever heard before. I know this might be hard for you to stomach but it needs to be said, my relationship with Regulus had nothing to do with you. We didn't get together after any interaction with you at all, but a quidditch game. Sure maybe I knew a bit more about him because of you, but I'm quite sure I would've noticed him either way. He's fucking fit, your brother. No, you aren't to blame at all on that matter. That was inevitable.”

“Inevitable? What exactly was inevitable?”Sirius asked, still not turning around.

 “All of it was inevitable, Sirius. Even the heartbreak was inevitable, and there was nothing you could've done to stop it. Hell, I wouldn't have even wanted you to stop it.”

Sirius finally turned, his face full of anger as he asked, “How can you say that? After everything he did to you and everything you know he's doing now as a Death Eater, how can you say you wouldn't have wanted me to stop it if I could? How could you still want him like that?”

James finally understood it. The reason Sirius refused to listen to James when he told him that he wasn't still in love with his brother, was because Sirius didn't understand what it was like to end a relationship with someone he loved. He assumed that since James refused to deny that he had once loved Regulus he was somehow still in love with him because he didn't understand what it’s like to fall out of love with someone. “I don't regret falling in love, Sirius. Anyone who says they regret falling in love is naive enough to think that love is avoidable. Sure your brother fucked me up and hurt me more than anyone else ever had before, but I still wouldn't trade the good times for anything.”

“You are fucking insane, James. He's a Death Eater and you are saying you look back upon your memories with him fondly.” Sirius accused him like it was a sin to have once loved a Death Eater as if he had never loved his brother himself.

James shook his head, his voice still firm as he tried to explain his feelings. “No, I can barely stand to think of the memories at all right now, it's still too painful, but I know that I will someday. No matter what happens I can tell myself that I truly knew the best of Regulus Black, the one that he never let others see. I didn't fall in love with a Death Eater and I would never compare the Regulus I knew to the one who took that mark, they aren't the same person.”

Sirius groaned in frustration as if James was the one, not understanding. “They are though, James. As much as you think you knew him, I knew him better, this darkness was a part of him long before you came along.”

“Sirius, you haven't known your brother in years. You wrote him off practically the day he got sorted into Slytherin. You hated your family and the moment he started to look just a little too much like them, you bailed. I have known you too long for you to try to tell me differently, it's partially my fault for letting you retreat on the person you loved more than anyone once upon a time. I think a part of me was jealous that I would never have a brother myself, so I let you vent about him, about the little things that didn't mean anything, and allowed you to form this resentment you have for him. The truth is, the Regulus I knew, the man that I knew better than anyone, was a good person who had had a fucked up life, just like his brother. Things changed for him eventually but it will never change the fact that I never saw an ounce of evil in him when we were together. So yes I know that eventually, I will be able to cherish those memories and I think you should do the same with the little brother you once thought hung the moon. You have to be able to look at people as more than just good and evil, everyone has both light and darkness in them. It's what part we choose to act on that makes us who we truly are.”

Sirius looked a little shellshocked by James’s assertion of the Black brother's relationship. He didn't speak for a long moment, but when he did his voice was meak.“You make everything seem so black and white, none of it was that simple for me back then. I loved him and it was hard to move on but I made that decision because I thought it was best for me. I don't understand you, James. He hurt you for no reason and you still defend him why? Is it really true that you are over him or is Lily right?”

James shrugged, “I think that there will always be a little part of me that is stuck on that time with him. As much as I know that one day I will marry someone else and love them with everything I can give them, I suspect there will always be a small part of my heart reserved for the first boy to tell me he loved me unconditionally.”

“I love you unconditionally, James,” Sirius said automatically.

James smiled a bit at his friend, but shook his head softly, “It's not the same. Think about the way you feel with Moony, the way he consumes your thoughts, and the way your heart beats faster when you see him. Now imagine he ends it without any resolution of closure, do you honestly think that a part of you wouldn't yearn for your first love no matter how bad they hurt you?”

Sirius frowned, “It's not the same.”

“How so?” James tilted his head, genuinely curious what Sirius meant by that.

“Remus and I are a real couple. We aren't each other's dirty little secrets.” Almost as soon as he said it Sirius appeared to regret it.

James closed his eyes for a moment before turning pleading eyes on his friend practically begging him to understand. “It was real to me, Sirius. More real than anything had ever been before. I know you think that something like that needs to be loud and proud, but our love was a quiet understanding one. We understood what we wanted and needed from each other, and it certainly wasn't other people's validation. He saw me for who I had always wanted to be and I saw him for who he was deep down.” James paused, not sure how Sirius would react, “And I know you resent me for that.”

Sirius’s face twisted in confusion, “What are you talking about?”

“You were so mad when you found out about us that I knew it wasn't just because of the lie. I mean you said I had your blessing but I think it's clear that even if Regulus hadn't dumped me, that wasn't really the case. I'm sure you would've come to this conclusion on your own had you not felt you needed to bury your feelings because I was well…. disposed. You never made up with Regulus, not really, and you hate that I was close to him while you hadn't been in years. You resent the fact that I knew him better than you had since he was eleven.”

Sirius shook his head in denial, “No, that's not true, James. I didn't even want to know him by then.”

“Maybe not consciously, but I think a part of you always hoped that you would eventually. Except by the time you found out about us, he was already almost gone. I think you really started resenting me once you realized that you would probably never get another chance to reconnect.”

Sirius didn't speak for a long moment, but when he did there was a sadness in his voice, as it cracked, “I don't think I will ever even talk to him again. We are on opposite sides of this war and even if somehow we both live, how do I even talk to him knowing what he's done?”

It was that moment when James decided to forgive Sirius for anything and everything he had said. He didn't care that Sirius had been cruel, he had never been able to watch his friend break down. He immediately folded Sirius in his arms when he heard his voice crack, “I’m sorry you might not get that chance, Sirius. If I had my way you would, but things don't always go our way.”

Sirius seemed to need a moment to resonate with the fact that he had just told James one of his biggest fears, one that he had obviously been holding close to his chest. He felt bad for getting angry at Sirius, deep down he was still as broken as the day James met him and he deserved to have his baby brother back again. It was also one of the only things that James had no hope of getting for him, so for now he just let his friend sink into his embrace.

After a while, Sirius backed out of his friend's arms slowly. His voice was calm, but it held a sense of resolution that James hadn't been expecting. “I'm sorry, James. I might never understand what happened between you two but maybe you are right and it's time I stop holding it over your head. You are aware of who he has become and I know that you would never go back. It's time that I stop looking at the past and start looking at the future.”

James nodded, that was all that he wanted from Sirius. And now that Sirius seemed to understand what James needed from him, he could tell him the big news he had heard tonight. “Thank you, Sirius. Now that we have that settled, do you want to hear about Lily’s visit?”

Sirius looked a bit surprised at James, as his friend grabbed a whiskey glass and poured the both of them a drink, handing one over to Sirius. Sirius glanced at the glass suspiciously, “Do I even want to know?”

James smirked at him before clinking his glass to Sirius’, in a cheers motion, “I don't know, that depends. How would you feel about being a godfather?”