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It is not meant to be.
Jonah knows so immediately.
Jonah is no stranger to falling in love, to falling in lust and falling out of all of that again. He is no stranger to love and passion and the bitter-sweetness of outliving his lovers.
Jonah has cared deeply for people he has already lost. Some of them, people he had coldly watched as they faded away. His thoughts stray to the memory of Barnabas, but Jonah feels no shame and no regret over his own inaction.
But none of that matters as Jonah shakes Peter Lukas’s hand – an imposition that Jonah insists on forcing on his benefactors – and he knows this is not meant to be.
Suddenly, Jonah thinks this is the ghost of Mordechai whispering in Jonah’s ear that he’s cursed followed by the certainty of too many failed attempts and the weight of them on the back of his mind. Jonah looks at Peter and he thinks the emptiness of Peter’s polite smile suits him.
It is not meant to be.
Jonah knows so when they kiss and he finds himself kissing the ghost of another man. A dead man. Jonah holds onto Peter’s shirt as if that would make him stay.
As if that would make him want to stay.
As if that would bring back what Peter's god already took.
Jonah has no illusions about what to expect from this relationship. It isn’t the first lover Jonah will lose to The Lonely. It is not even the only way Jonah has lost a lover to The Lonely. And, as evidence has proven so far, this is unlikely to be the last one. Not the first, not the last; absolutely nothing remarkable about this affair with Peter.
Jonah smiles against Peter’s lips knowing that Peter would like very much to know that.
It is not meant to be.
Jonah knows so with the unshakable belief of someone who should also believe in an unchanging destiny. It is not the first time he thinks so. It is not the first avatar of The Lonely he falls in bed with. It is not the first avatar of The Lonely he falls in love with.
There is a frustrating ache in his heart since he fell for Mordechai. It had been different back then. Jonah’s curiosity was brand new; Jonah’s heart was unknowing and naïve. But here, now, with Peter, it ought to be called a stupid decision.
A mistake.
A curse.
It is clear where they will fall apart. The cracks in the foundation of this thing between them are too big to ignore.
It is not meant to be. It will never end happily. And, yet, Jonah’s heart aches and he wants this and he misses Peter and he lies down in bed and hopes against all knowledge and all certainty that Peter’s love wouldn’t make him feel so alone.
It’s not meant to be. It’s clear, it’s clear, there is nothing for Jonah to cling on to but fog and absence. It’s not the first time. It’s not the only time.
It is not meant to be and the reasons are far from being few. Once – a lifetime ago and in a moment of incredible frustration and boredom – Jonah had written them all down. Reason after reason, neatly written in a list that had no future other than destruction. A list of shortcomings, grievances, and ill-fitting beliefs. A list of mistakes already made.
Of mistakes that he would keep on doing and that he knows he will keep on doing. That he does not regret in the slighest because every time Peter kisses him and touches him and then leaves him again, Jonah knows that his traitor heart was meant to fall for this man and he does not regret it.
No, Jonah doesn't regret things too often. And surely, Jonah refuses to think of any of this as fate.
It is just a mistake that Jonah keeps making.
“It’s a curse,” says Mordechai’s ghost during the days and nights when Jonah misses Peter the most.
“It’s my curse to you,” says Barnabas’s ghost when Peter returns and Jonah misses him even more than when he was gone.
“I do love you,” Jonah tells Peter one night.
Peter laughs.
“You’re cursed, dear,” Peter says and Jonah knows.
It is not meant to be.
It is not meant to be because Jonah fell for The Watcher and Peter truly belongs to The Lonely. It is not meant to be because Jonah knew from the very first moment that if he would have Peter he would lose Peter as well and it would hurt all the same if it was on Peter’s own terms or not. It is not meant to be because Jonah had chosen again and again to be loyal only to himself and when he sees the lurking disaster ahead, he doesn’t hesitate to hold Peter’s hand and bring him along.