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The loud alarm rang through his ears. Izuku raised his head and shut it off. He knew he would be pushing it if he stayed in bed any longer, but he felt so heavy and tired. Thankfully it was Friday and he wouldn't have to get out of bed so early tomorrow.
Izuku could tell today wasn't even going to be relatively okay. He already felt so drained. He tried to will his body to move but his fingers barely twitched.
He felt so useless on days like these. Days where he zoned out, staring at his clock, for what felt like hours but in reality was only a few minutes.
He let out a shakey breath and sat up finally. At this rate he'd be late to his and Iida's morning run, what kind of good training partner would be late for their run.
It's like his brain was set on auto pilot as he got ready to run, putting his uniform into his bag so he could change then head to class. He shuffled into the bathroom to brush his teeth. Taking one look at himself in the mirror, he shuddered. He looked horrible. His eye bags have gotten worse since the last time he checked, he needed to wash his face. When was the last time he showered? His hair was slightly greasy, his face was oily. He looked away from the mirror and up at the ceiling, taking a deep breath.
Finally, he got around to brushing his teeth. His brain was once again on auto pilot and he zoned out again, staring at the sink bowl.
He went out to the first floor where he saw Yao-Momo sitting in the couch in the common room drinking her morning tea.
"Morning Yao-Momo," He said almost animatedly.
"Morning! Are you sure you don't want to eat before your run?"
"Yeah, I'll just eat a snack after I run." He knows he won't, he doesn't even feel hungry. He's always felt guilty for lying about it, but couldn't bring himself to feel that way today.
_____
He walked to the track with an aching feeling growing in his stomach, not from being hungry or anything like that just a casual spike of anxiety. It happens sometimes. It's normal get over it. Everyone gets anxious sometimes.
He felt his phone buzz in his pocket and pulled it out. It was a text from Iida.
Iida:
Hey! You're going to be late, you almost here?
He replied with a simple yes and stuffed his phone back into his pocket.
He walked over to the bench where Iida's bag was, to set his own stuff down.
_____
He tried his best to keep up with his friend, but kept falling behind. Even with Iida's slow pace.
After tripping a few times he began to doubt himself.
'God I fucking suck today. What is wrong with me, usually I'm a pretty good runner.'
He stopped for a second and rubbed his face. He felt like he was about to breakdown and start crying. He started to walk over to the bench.
"Hey Iida, I'm going to take a water break!" He said, sitting down.
"Alright, I'll join you!"
Iida came over and sat down by Izuku on the bench. The smaller boy shrunk in on himself.
"Sorry I'm running very well today, I didn't sleep well last night," right off the bat, Izuku started with a lie. Because all he is, is a liar. Lied to Yaoyorozu, now Iida. He's such a liar.
"That's alright, I'm sure you'll be more awake for our trip after school!" Iida offered him a smile which he returned with a half smile.
Iida, himself, and the rest of the 'Dekusquad' had been planning a quick trip to hang out, outside of school.
"Did you eat today?" Iida knew. He had to have known, or else he wouldn't have asked.
Izuku bit the inside of his cheek, "Yes." Iida gave him a sceptical look but went along with it anyways.
"That's good," he leaned over and shuffled through his bag, finally pulling out some kind of energy bar, "here, it'll get your energy up."
Before Izuku could even respond the bar was stuffed into his hand and Iida stood and walked back into the track.
He stared down at the bar, maybe he'll eat it later. He set it down next to his water bottle and walked back onto the track.
_____
Class was tortuous. He wanted class to be over. The teachers were agonizingly slow with their lessons.
His friends and classmates wouldn't shut up. They just kept whispering and talking to each other. He needed to get out of the classroom. His head was pounding and he couldn't think straight.
He raised his hand and got permission to go to the restroom.
He washed his face in the sink, and finally tears began to slip out.
He stood at the sink for a few more seconds, letting the tears mix in with the water in the sink bowl, before washing his face again and drying it with a towel.
_____
His headache was getting worse the more the day dragged on and when it came time for lunch, he chose to sit out side, rather than sitting with his friends, and he picked at his food, taking small bites occasionally.
He wasn't that hungry. Definitely not hungry enough to eat all of his lunch but he had to try.
After the second bite he just felt sick.
He stopped eating after that.
_____
His head hurt. That was a hard fact. It hurt his eyes when there was light that was too bright. It hurt his ears when noises were to loud or too high pitched. He hated it. He felt like crawling into a dark hole and staying there forever, never moving again.
______
He decided to text the 'Dekusquad' group chat to let them know that he wouldn't be going out with them because of his headache.
_____
He went directly to the dorms after school. He kicked his shoes of at the door and shuffled up into his room.
He closed the dark curtains Iida insisted on opening everyday. He turned on his lamp to provide some light.
He played some soft, quiet, music through his speaker and the sound filled the room.
He changed out of his uniform and back into his pajamas. He hung his uniform up, turned off his lamp, and crawled into bed.
_____
He didn't know how long he had been asleep, but one of his classmates were knocking on the door and he could smell food, so probably a while.
He told them to come in and they opened the door open. It was Yao-Momo
"Foods ready if you're hungry."
He half mumbled an okay.
"Are you feeling okay? I saw you were back earlier than usual today," Yao-Momo, the ever caring woman.
"Yeah, just tired and I have a headache," he replied in a tired monotone voice.
"Again? I'm sorry. Aizawa brought Eri over for dinner tonight."
"Oh okay," he slowly stood up and paused his music, then followed Yao-Momo downstairs to the dining area. Eri was sitting waiting patiently for her food.
"Hey Eri!" He said with forced cheerfulness.
"Deku! How are you?"
"I'm good, how are you Eri?"
"I'm great! I didn't think Dad was going to bring me over today!"
Dinner was loud.
_____
Izuku had trouble sleeping that night and ended up staring at the ceiling most of the night. He did eventually fall asleep. But that wasn't until around five in the morning.
When he woke up, he still felt that heavy feeling. He didn't feel like getting up, he didn't feel like checking his phone. He already hadn't done that since he last texted the group chat. Apparently Shinsou had also texted him between now and then, but not that he would know that. He didn't feel like existing at the moment either. But to do that he would have to kill himself, and that was too much work. He would also have to write a note or two, and that was too much work.
He thought of the many ways he could do it and which way would be the easiest.
'Why am I thinking about that. I don't even have a bad life. If I killed myself, that would be selfish. Nobody like selfish people. I'm being stupid, like usual. Stupid stupid stupid.'
He heard the words over and over again I'm his head, repeating.
Again silent tears were falling from his eyes. He was hurting and he needed help. Of course he knew that he needed help. It- for him, it's just so hard to vocalize his thoughts. Especially when asking for help.
He rolled over and cried into his pillow. It felt good to finally let it out, but at the same time he felt a little guilty. He felt like he wasn't worth the tears he shed.
_____
Eventually he did stop crying. And when he did. He sat up and grabbed his water bottle off his bed side table. He throat was dry and he was super aware of that fact. It felt scratchy.
He could he talking from the other room, Kaminari and Tokoyami were laughing and there was a third voice that he vaguely recognized.
He ignored it and rubbed his eyes. He ran his hand down his face, back up and tugged on his hair when he reached it.
His mind wandered back the voices outside. And fell into another hole of self deprecation.
He thought of how stupid he was for not being able to socialize like his mom, or like any of his friends. He wished he was like Aizawa, or like All Might. God, he felt useless. He only ever does chores when he's told to, his rooms a mess all the time. He wants it to be clean, he really does. He just can't bring himself to pick up a single thing.
He wished he was normal.
His spiral was stopped by a knock at his door. He briefly panicked, but calmed himself down.
"Come in," his voice caught in his throat for a second.
The door opened and Shinsou came in holding a hand behind his back.
"Oh uh, hey Shinsou. What are you doing here?" He wiggled his toes under the blanket, anxiously.
"Well, since you haven't been answering my texts since yesterday and I got a text from fucking bubbly out there, who is worried about you by the way, I decided to come check on you."
"And before you say anything else, I want you to answer this question honestly. How are you doing?"
Izuku looked at the blanket and bit the inside of his cheek. He opened his mouth slightly, to say something, but the words wouldn't come out.
He tried again, "I'm... I'm fine." He managed to whisper out another lie.
Shinsou sat what ever he had behind his back down, and knelt beside Izuku's bed.
"Midoriya look at me. I know that you're not, and that's okay. Okay? It's okay to feel like how you're feeling. I don't know how you're feeling right now, one because I don't get like this and two you won't tell me how you're feeling. And I know it might be hard to talk about, I get that. But I want you to know that I'm here for you, and I'm listening. You don't have to go through this alone." Shinsou put a hand on Izuku's shoulder.
Izuku nodded stiffly and tried talking again. "It's just- I don't know. Some days everything just feels... so- so hard. And I don't know what to do. Shinsou I... I thought about killing myself this morning. It's stupid! I'm so selfish for even thinking about that. I don't- I don't know what to do. Some days I don't eat at all or just eat very little and I can't help it because I just don't feel hungry, either that or I just don't feel like eating." Izuku was crying again. Shinsou moved up onto the bed with him and pulled him into a hug.
"It's okay Midoriya, I'm sorry. And don't talk like that either. It's not stupid, and you're not selfish for... that. Okay? I need you to know that, I need you to understand that. I know this is hard. I'm so proud of you for telling me, that was a big step forward."
The two sat together for a while.
"Hey Midoriya I brought something for us but first I want to talk a bit more is that okay?" Izuku silently nodded. Shinsou separated from Izuku and sat across from him.
"This is uh a difficult question but um, you- have you ever self-harmed or thought about doing it?" Shinsou chewed on his lip.
"I- yeah, I have a few times," Izuku replied with shame in his voice.
He ran his fingers subconsciously over the thin scars in his thighs.
"I only did it on my thighs, Since we wear short sleeves for our PE uniforms and I knew the pants would cover it." He didn't want to look up at Shinsou.
"Did you yesterday?"
"No."
Shinsou let out a breath of relief.
"Okay good, good job. I'm proud of you. Next time you think about it, do you think you could text me? Or call me?"
"Yeah."
"Okay uh well I brought us candy apples, Eri helped me make them last night, she said you would like them. She's worried about you too. I'm going to go get a water do you need anything?" Izuku shook his head and Shinsou left to get water.
Izuku took a few deep breaths and another drink of water. He dried his face on his shirt and waited for Shinsou to come back.
_____
The two ate their candy apples and Shinsou talked about yesterday's Gen Ed first period because apparently Izuku had missed the greatest thing since sliced bread.
After that they watched some videos on Shinsou's phone.
Before Shinsou left, they talked a bit more.
"I know it'll be hard but it's important. You should tell your mom or Aizawa about what's going on okay? They'll be able to get you help," Izuku nodded, he knew he had too but that doesn't mean he wanted to, "also if you don't respond to Bubbly I think she's going to use her quirk the get to you faster and attack you or something." Shinsou laughed laughed and Izuku smirked.
_____
Finally looking at his phone he saw the unlimited number of texts from the group chat, a few from Shinsou and one from Uraraka.
Uraraka:
[Insert funny meme they would both enjoy]
Hello?
Dekuuuuuuuuuu >:(
Izuku:
Sorry Uraraka!
That's hilarious btw lmaooooo
_____
"Uh hey Aizawa Sensei, can I- can I talk to you?"