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The First Sight feels like this: a swoop in your stomach, a flutter down your spine, a twist of your heart.
Yeonjun’s been told this since he was young—has dreamed of it since he was young. He’s watched impatiently as his classmates, friends, family members had their First Sights and found their Halves. He’s read a hundred books, seen a hundred movies, listened to all the songs, and all the while there’s only been one thing that he’s sure of about the First Sight: you don’t really understand it, until you do.
Tonight, Yeonjun does.
He and Taehyun get to the frat party fashionably late, in that accidental on-purpose way that comes with being a college upperclassman. The plan is to meet up with Beomgyu—Taehyun’s Half turned boyfriend—and his new roommate. They don’t usually party together, but they’ve made it a point to go to this party, the start-of-year bash hosted by the biggest fraternity on campus, every year since college started.
Taehyun is more often than not a stay-in type, and Beomgyu is more often than not an agree-with-Taehyun type, even if he’d never admit it. Yeonjun is more of a nightclub person, himself. And Kai, Kai is always at a frat party. Side effect of being in a frat. Perk of being friends with someone in a frat? Yeonjun and Taehyun get to skip the line.
The feeling washes over Yeonjun the second the front door opens. The frat house isn’t huge, but the front room is packed to the brim with people dancing, chatting, and singing along to the music. Yeonjun’s eyes go to the center of the room of their own accord, focusing on what seems like several dozen people at once. There’s a girl with bright green and blue hair, a person wearing shiny leather boots, a tall, dark-haired boy with dimples, somehow towering over most of the crowd both awkwardly and self-assuredly.
And there’s the feeling—a swoop in Yeonjun’s stomach, a flutter down his spine, a twist of his heart. His First Sight.
And then Yeonjun blinks, and half the people he’d just been looking at have shifted with the crowd anyway. Behind them, people are pushing to get through the front door. Others are drifting into the kitchen or up the stairs to the bedrooms, where Yeonjun knows that Kai stays with his own roommate. He’s not sure who he had just seen, let alone who he had seen first.
Yeonjun shakes his head to clear it, clutching absentmindedly at his stomach. Who had he seen? Who had he seen?
“Hey, Hyung!” Taehyun says, shouting a little to be heard over the music. He waves a hand in Yeonjun’s face. “Earth to Yeonjun?”
Yeonjun bats him away, but his reaction’s a beat too late. “What?”
“You’re being weird. You just like, froze out of nowhere.”
Yeonjun hesitates. Should he make a big deal of it? Should he not make a big deal of it? He’s imagined this moment for years, hundreds of different scenarios, and not even one of them came close to experiencing his First Sight in the doorway of what will surely be the most obnoxious party of the school year. He settles on keeping it to himself for the meantime. “No, I’m not.”
“You are.” Taehyun eyes him suspiciously, then mutters, “Whatever. You’re always being weird, anyway.”
Yeonjun moves to pinch his arm, but it’s half-hearted, and Taehyun dodges him easily, nearly bumping into a freshman girl balancing multiple beer cans in her arms. She huffs at them.
“Come on,” Yeonjun says. “Let’s see if we can find Beomgyu.”
Taehyun predictably perks up at that. They weave through the partygoers, stopping every few seconds to say hello or ask how someone’s summer had gone. There’s over a hundred people here, at least, Yeonjun thinks dejectedly. Yeonjun’s Half is here.
*
“This is my new roommate, Choi Soobin!” Beomgyu introduces them over the music, some charting pop song that Yeonjun begrudgingly recognizes the chorus of. “This is Yeonjun! Soobin just transferred from Uni in Ansan…”
“It’s nice to meet you,” Yeonjun says distractedly. He continues to peer around, as if his First Sight would magically happen again, this time giving him enough time to actually meet the person who’d prompted it. But he knows the truth—it’s called first sight for a reason. First and only.
“Are you looking for someone?” Choi Soobin asks him curiously. He’s tall, and cute, if dressed a little homely for a college party. Yeonjun thinks he might have seen him earlier. “I can help—I usually see pretty easily over a crowd.” He laughs a bit self-consciously. Cute.
“Ahh,” Yeonjun says. “I was, but I’m not sure who I’m looking for.”
Soobin’s eyebrows knit together.
“Forget it,” Yeonjun says. He looks around again. Kai has disappeared to attend to some frat matter or another, and Beomgyu and Taehyun are heading up the stairs, hands intertwined, to do god-only-knows-what. Which is to say, Yeonjun-doesn’t-want-to-know-what. He turns back to Choi Soobin. “Hey, wanna do a shot?”
*
Soobin’s a lightweight, which should not be possible for someone as tall and big as he is, but he is. Yeonjun finds this absolutely delightful, maybe because he’s a little drunk himself. Warm beer, shady jungle juice, and watered-down soju shots—nothing like the college party experience, but it does the trick.
Between drinks and over the music, they learn about each other. Soobin is politely inquisitive, Yeonjun—well, Yeonjun just likes to know everything about everybody. He’s learned there’s no use being subtle about it, but Soobin’s brand of shy is endearing.
“Where are you from?”
“Why did you transfer?”
“What’s your major?”
“Do you like guys?” This one’s Soobin. The tips of his ears are red and he’s avoiding Yeonjun’s gaze. So obvious and so, so endearing.
“Sure,” Yeonjun says easily. He leaves it at that, even when Soobin mumbles a bashful, “Me, too.”
“Have you had a First Sight?” This one’s Yeonjun. He asks everybody. “Or do you have a Half?”
“Nope.” Soobin swallows around a sip of jungle juice and winces. “I’m not sure I really believe in those things.”
“It’s scientifically proven,” Yeonjun rattles off immediately. “There are compatibility blood tests—”
“I don’t think it’s fake,” Soobin backtracks quickly, stumbling over his words. Drunkenly, or nervously. Yeonjun can’t tell. “Just that it’s not something I really need to worry about yet, especially in college. If it happens, it happens, you know?”
“I guess,” Yeonjun says. He takes a large sip of beer, trying not to be offended. He should be used to this by now. Most people are like that about Halves, these days: if it happens, it happens. Not like his parent’s generation, when it was an absolute necessity to track down your half and get married and have kids.
“Why?” Soobin questions. “Do you have a Half?”
“Not yet,” Yeonjun fibs. Technically true.“Do you want to dance?”
“Dance?” Soobin splutters. “I can’t dance.”
*
It’s true, he can’t. They get to the living room (where the couches and furniture have been pulled apart the makeshift dance floor) and Yeonjun leads. Soobin is a little gangly, a bit awkward, like he grew into his long limbs just yesterday and isn’t sure what to do with them yet. So Yeonjun shows him.
“You’re good!” Soobin yells, their faces colliding as they move beside each other
Yeonjun grins. Is it too much to say that he knows? “I know. University dance team.”
“Woah.” Soobin’s eyes widen like that’s the sexiest thing he’s ever heard.
And Yeonjun feels… Well, he feels kind of bad. Maybe he shouldn’t lead Soobin on, even if it’s less leading and more of Yeonjun being Yeonjun. He’s just kind of like this, and it’s not his fault how people interpret it, right?
Right, because then Soobin is leaning down, and it’s just too easy for Yeonjun to tilt up. His lips are warm when they brush Yeonjun’s ear. He stumbles over the words as he says them, but Yeonjun appreciates them just the same: “Wanna get a room?”
It’s just another hookup at another party, maybe his last ever now that Yeonjun’s about to have a Half. Shouldn’t be a big deal. It’s not a big deal.
Right?
*
They don’t make it to a room.
“I’ve never seen anybody throw up that much in my life,” Kai says the next morning. “Here, I found some Pedialyte in the bathroom.”
Yeonjun watches, amused and only a little less hungover than Soobin, who takes the bottle and begins to gulp it down without comment. They’re sitting in the shared kitchen of Kai’s fraternity, if it could even be called that—there are clothes folded haphazardly on the island counter and workout equipment spilling out of the cabinets. Yeonjun doesn’t believe for a second that anyone has ever cooked in here.
“I feel fine,” Kai continues. “Refreshed, even.”
“Enjoy it while you’re young,” Yeonjun jokes, tussling Kai’s hair. “One day you can do thirty shots in one night, and then the next day…”
Kai rolls his eyes and escapes his grip, given that he’s lately—scarily—much taller than Yeonjun, and Yeonjun’s nursing a hangover of his own.
Speaking of…
“Doing okay?” he asks Soobin, placing a comforting hand on the other boy’s shoulder.
Soobin shrinks from the touch. He’s leaning precariously on the island counter in the middle of the kitchen, head buried in his arms. “Never showing my face again,” he moans.
Beomgyu and Taehyun come down then, looking suspiciously refreshed themselves. Though Yeonjun figures that they didn’t drink much. They had certainly disappeared before the second and third rounds of kegs had been dragged out.
“What was that?” Beomgyu asks innocently. “You’re gonna throw up on one of us again?”
Soobin groans pitifully.
Taehyun pouches his boyfriend’s arm without any real force. “Don’t tease him, Gyu.”
Yeonjun and Kai stifle giggles.
They never made it to a room—because Soobin had thrown up on Yeonjun before they’d even gotten to kiss. Not horribly, Yeonjun has had worse experiences in his college party career, but throwing up is throwing up. It’d only really splattered on his shoes and the bottom of his jeans, which Kai had replaced for him kindly with a pair of sweats and slides. Yeonjun had tried to muster up some annoyance about the whole thing, but there was really none to be found when Soobin was so clearly mortified about the whole thing, much to everybody else's amusement.
He’d apologized for maybe two hours straight before Yeonjun had decided, “If you say sorry one more time, Soobin-ah, then I’ll actually be mad.” They’d crawled their way up to Kai’s bedroom and passed out there around 4 am, a hundred more apologies later, anyway.
Yeonjun had woken up with a splitting headache himself, almost no recollection of the night before. Which sucks, because he’s certain there’s something he had meant to come back to.
“Come on, then,” Yeonjun says. “I’ll treat you all to pastries.”
Kai cheers. “And coffee?”
“Did I ever say you were my favorite hyung?” Taehyun says, batting his eyelashes.
“No, literally never.”
Yeonjun appreciates them humoring him, even though they do this the morning after literally every party they go to together like clockwork.
Soobin peeks his head up again once they’ve all gathered their keys and phones and dignity. “I should probably just get back to our dorm…”
Beomgyu cuts him off. “No way. Once you’ve thrown up on one of us, you have to be part of the group.”
Kai wrinkles his nose. “I think I missed that rule.”
“We let you skip,” Taehyun says, completely serious. “Since you’re so young.”
“Wait,” Kai says. “We’re joking, right?”
“Besides,” Beomgyu adds. “Puking is a completely normal response to being around Yeonjun, trust me.”
“Ignore all of them,” Yeonjun says to Soobin. “Come on.”
*
“Holy shit,” Yeonjun says right as their breakfast comes. “I think I had my First Sight last night.”
“What?” Four voices ring out in unison.
They managed to stumble their way to the only diner near campus that would still be selling breakfast at this time in the afternoon. The five of them are crowded into a booth, Kai animatedly recounting stories that the rest of them had missed happening at the party the night before. Beomgyu and Taehyun are doing an impressively bad job of pretending they didn’t miss all of it because they were having sex all night, and Soobin is taking tentative sips of his coffee, avoiding everyone’s eyes. He looks up every so often, and it’s at one of these glances that Yeonjun catches his stare and… he remembers.
“How,” Taehyun starts, “Do you forget to mention that? You of all people?”
Yeonjun groans. “I don’t know, it was a party, there were too many people, and then… I was drunk.”
“Well,” Beomgyu demands. “Who was it?”
“Do we know them?” Kai tacks on eagerly.
“That…” Yeonjun says. “That’s sort of the problem.
He gives them the general rundown of yesterday’s events—he’d walked in with Taehyun, same as always, and it’d hit him as soon as they’d opened the door and come inside. Like a swoop in your stomach, a flutter down your spine, a twist of your heart, Yeonjun recounts to them. Beomgyu nods in recognition. He was the Half of his Pair with Taehyun to have had the First Sight. Yeonjun tells them how he’d attempted to try to track down who he had seen, but it was no use.
“There were just too many people there to sort through,” Yeonjun finishes. “I didn’t want to make a huge scene of it.”
“Of all the times to make a huge scene…” Beomgyu says.
“Yeah. Making a huge scene is like your main personality trait, Hyung,” Kai agrees.
Yeonjun ignores them. “I’m going to need your guys’ help.”
“Of course,” Soobin says, surprising Yeonjun a little. It’s the first time he’s talked since they arrived at the restaurant. It’s weird, Yeonjun muses, because he fits into their little group so seamlessly. His presence is quiet—not in an ignorable way, but a way that brings a steady sort of calm to their dynamic. It’s nice.
“We can make a list,” Soobin continues. “Of everyone who might have been at the party.”
“Ooo.” Kai pulls out his phone. “The invites were through the frat Instagram story, so I can check the account and list down everybody who swiped up.”
Taehyun has already procured a piece of paper and pen from nowhere. “It’s gotta be someone you’ve never seen before last night, too. So most likely an underclassman, people outside of your major, or new kids, right?”
“I know a lot of the new students,” Soobin offers, pulling the haphazard list over to his side of the table and adding some names. “We had a mandatory transfer student orientation last week.”
Beomgyu pulls Kai’s phone, mulling over the list. “Half of these people are frat boys, Hyung. God, what if your Half is a frat boy? ”
“Yah!” Kai protests. “Everyone is really nice here!”
Yeonjun shudders. He hadn’t considered that. Nothing against fraternities or sororities, just that they weren’t typically his type. Yeonjun gets along well enough with everybody, though. He’d hung out with enough friendly-seeming people last night. But to be honest, frats weren’t his usual scene. The nicest person he’d met last night was Soobin.
As if reading his mind, Soobin catches his gaze across the table and holds it. “Don’t worry, Hyung. We’ll find them together.”
*
Depending on who you ask, it’s a close compatibility match, true love, a government conspiracy, an evolutionary nuisance. Depending on who you ask, the First Sight varies from an uber-important life milestone to strive for… to a pesky inconvenience. Older, more traditional generations stood by the true love story. Yeonjun’s parents had been a Pair, and have never been anything less than happily in love since he was a kid. His grandparents, and their grandparents, too. He came from a whole line of them, and he’d been accidentally instilled with the romance of it all—that life is about finding your Half and dating them, marrying them, having kids. Yeonjun had grown up on those stories.
But, times were changing. Ideas about the First Sight, about Halves and Pairs, were becoming modern and progressive and forward-thinking. Most people Yeonjun’s age considered it to be outdated. Yeonjun remembers two kids from his high school who had become Halves and decided to just stay close friends. Just last semester, two girls from Yeonjun’s dance group discovered they were Halves—they’d both already been dating other people, and chose to keep it that way.
When Yeonjun had first met Kai, Beomgyu, and Taehyun, they had much the same attitude as most people in their generation. Kai was the youngest in their group, content to stay single and unburdened, indifferent to whether he would find a Half or not. His parents were a Pair, too, but they were divorced. Taehyun and Beomgyu had claimed similarly— still did—but Yeonjun knows better. It has to be hard to deny the validity of a First Sight after you’ve had it yourself, and Beomgyu and Taehyun had been a Pair since freshman year, in the traditional way: they were both disgustingly in love with each other, as much as they liked to pretend otherwise.
The facts were facts: The First Sight wasn't the end-all, be-all, anymore. Or at least, it didn’t have to be.
Yeonjun, though, believes.
He believes in true love, in soulmates, the sanctity of marriage, all of it. He’s a hopeless romantic and he’s proud of it. He could recite the steps of the First Sight before he could read: Everybody is born as part of a Pair. One Half is born with the First Sight, and they’ll know they’ve found their other Half when they look at them for the first time. The other Half will know, too, after they share a kiss, and then they’ll be a Pair. And— this part wasn’t in the official story, but Yeonjun would always finish it off in his head, sighing wistfully— they’ll live happily ever after.
*
“Lee Heeseung is not my half,” Yeonjun reports grumpily. He slides into the booth at the ramen place in a huff. He’s having a bad day.
There’s been a lot of those recently. They’re two weeks into the semester and professors have started assigning homework and essays and research in earnest. To his simultaneous dismay and excitement, Yeonjun has been voted senior captain of their university’s competitive dance team, which was great for his resume, and horrible due to how little time it left him for homework, for catching up with friends… and for looking for his other Half.
“Maybe for the best?” Soobin tries, smiling kindly. “Isn’t he a freshman, anyway?”
Yeonjun blows the imaginary grit off his lips. Sure, he’s starting to get discouraged about finding his Half—Heeseung had been the seventh person to reject him this week, and it was only Wednesday. But he’d been pleasantly surprised when Soobin had messaged him about meeting for lunch today. They’d been meaning to hang out, though Yeonjun’s been busy. Apart from a couple texts here and there where Soobin had asked if he was having any luck with the search, and a pizza night with the rest of the guys last Friday, Yeonjun hasn’t talked to him since the frat party.
“He’s an annoying little shit, is what he is,” Yeonjun answers. “You know what he said after I went up to him? His eyes got all wide, and he was like, ‘No way.’ ”
Soobin winces. “He didn’t.”
“He did. ” Yeonjun confirms. “He’s apparently joining the dance team, too. Just wait until I give him no solos for the whole semes—”
But he’s interrupted by their waitress, a pretty girl around their age with short brown hair. “Soobin-ah!”
“Oh,” Soobin says, perking up. “Hey, Noona! This is Yeonjun hyung. Hyung, this is Arin.”
“Hi, Yeonjun-ssi!”
Yeonjun waves politely. “Hi.”
He tunes out a little as they discuss some broadcasting club or another that they’re part of together, trying not to pout. The first time he’s seen Soobin in forever, and they’re intruded on by some cute girl? He flips over the menu a couple times. Isn’t this Arin person supposed to be taking their order, anyway? He clears his throat subtly.
“Oh,” Soobin repeats. “Noona, Yeonjun’s a performance major. He was at the frat party we went to a couple weeks ago, remember?”
“You were at the party?” Yeonjun says, perking up. He tosses the menu aside. “Wait, I think I remember you. Choi, right? You’re really pretty.”
Arin giggles amusedly, visibly confused by Yeonjun’s sudden compliment. “Ah, thank you.”
It’s Soobin’s turn to be grumpy, now. He sighs and explains, “Yeonjun had his First Sight at that party, but he wasn’t sure who with.”
Arin smiles apologetically in understanding. “Sorry, Yeonjun-ssi. I already have a Half. We’ve been together since high school. Oh! Let me take your orders.”
Yeonjun is downcast and relieved all at once. At least she’s not interested in Soobin. Not that he cares who Soobin dates, just that she doesn’t seem like his type.
Later, when their food comes, Soobin asks him, “So are you just gonna hit on everybody, now?”
Yeonjun rolls his eyes and breaks the disposable chopstick set in half. “Not everybody.”
And the tips of Soobin’s ears turn red. He mutters, “Right.”
*
“Hey! Donghyun-ssi!” Yeonjun gathers up his notebook and laptop, shoves them into his bag, and chases the other boy out of the library, bowing a hasty apology to the glaring librarian. “Donghyun!”
The upperclassmen boy pauses just outside the double door, pulling out his earphones and looking at Yeonjun like he’s just grown another head. “Are you… yelling in the library?”
Yeonjun nods, breathless, pulling out his phone and opening the notes app. He scrolls down the list before landing on a name. “You’re Kim Donghyun? Education major?”
“Yeah.” He narrows his eyes suspiciously. “Uhh… Yeonseok, right?”
“Yeonjun. You know the back-to-school party a week or two back? It was a frat—”
Donghyun nods in recognition, but his confused look doesn’t go away. “Oh, yeah. I was supposed to go, but ended up having a shift.”
Yeonjun deflates. “Wait, you weren’t even there ?”
“Am I missing something?”
Yeonjun has already turned on his heel, marching back into the library. He has an assignment due this afternoon, for fuck’s sake. “Forget it.”
“Forget what? Yeonseok!”
*
On his way home from dance one night, Yeonjun witnesses a couple— two eager-looking freshmen, a boy and a girl, have their First Sight.
There are always a bunch of First Sights and new Pairs at the beginning of each school year, as all the new first year students or transfers, like Soobin, get to meet new people on campus. Usually, Yeonjun finds these displays heartwarming. In fact, he kind of secretly lives for the romance of it all. But today he’s just tired. He’d ticked off two more people on the notes app list earlier this afternoon, two guys from the same chapter fraternity that Kai belongs to, but at a neighboring school. Yeonjun had traveled half an hour both ways on the train just for them to say that they were already Paired with each other, but open for a threesome. Ugh. He’s bitter and sweaty and wants to shower, eat, and hate-watch some romantic comedy, preferably with Taehyun.
He dodges the young Pair, as well as the small crowd that was slowly surrounding them with a round of applause as they shared an adorably self-conscious kiss, and heads back to his dorm. He sighs when he opens the door. Taehyun’s bed and desk both look hastily abandoned, but his backpack is still there, which almost definitely means he’s out doing something with Beomgyu. Yeonjun groans and shoots Kai a text before he heads to the communal showers: Be here in 20.
Kai’s a good dongsaeng. He gets there in fifteen and is waiting patiently on the edge of Yeonjun’s bed with several packages of snacks and a concerned face when Yeonjun pads in from the shower, towel around his waist. “What’s the emergency?”
“I’m depressed, Kai-yah. Absolutely dejected.”
“Hyung,” Kai whines. “I thought it was serious. I ran here.”
“But had time to stop for snacks,” Yeonjun points out drily.
“They’re comfort snacks,” Kai protests.
To which Yeonjun can’t complain. He dresses quickly in some warmer pajamas, even though they’re not quite into the thick of fall yet, and Kai and him cuddle on the bed, playing some new drama on Yeonjun’s laptop. They giggle at the cheesy parts and pretend not to be affected by the romantic parts and munch noisily on chips. Yeonjun updates Kai on the past couple of days during the more boring scenes.
“What if your Half is already in a relationship?” Kai asks. “Or if they don’t like you back or, it’s a guy and he’s straight, or something? I’ve heard about that happening. Halves that don’t work out regardless of the Sight.”
Yeonjun groans. “Why would you put that in my head?”
“I’m just saying. That stuff really never crosses your mind?”
“If you had your First Sight, wouldn’t you want it to actually work out?”
Kai furrows his brows. “I’ve never really given it much thought. If I have a Half, nice, I guess, but if not—who cares? No offense, Hyung.”
Yeonjun sighs. “None taken.”
Kai’s sweet, in a childlike way even after all this time—he pretends to pay attention to the movie long enough for the mood to settle, long enough for Yeonjun’s metaphorical hackles to lower.
“Hyung?”
“Yeah?”
Kai is looking pointedly at the laptop screen. “You know that Half is just a term right?”
Yeonjun’s not following. “Yeah?”
“So, just remember that you’re not actually a Half. You know. It’s just, like, a metaphor. You’re perfectly whole already. You’re half isn’t going to complete you, because you’re already complete. They’re gonna make things better I’m sure, but just… Maybe don’t stress yourself out about it too much. You’ll find them eventually, but also you'd be absolutely fine without them.” Kai exhales once he’s done like he’s been wanting to say this for a while, cuddling further into Yeonjun’s side to avoid his eyes.
Yeonjun considers his words. How to explain that he knows already that everything Kai is saying is logical and true, but that it still doesn’t actually change how bad he yearns to be part of a Pair?
In the end, it doesn’t matter. By the time Yeonjun thinks up a decent enough answer that will appease Kai, the other boy is snoring, lightly, eyelashes fluttering. Yeonjun wants to coo. He starts to nod off himself, only stirring when their door cracks open a half-hour later as the end credits play. Taehyun does a bad job of tiptoeing in, dragging a messy-haired Beomgyu behind him. They shuck off their shoes and clothes lazily, piling into Taehyun’s bed and wrapping their arms around each other, a sight so familiar to Yeonjun that his heart warms exponentially. Eventually, even their whispers fade into steady breathing. Yeonjun follows their lead, toeing off the blanket to atone for some of Kai’s body heat, and burrowing into his pillow.
And Kai’s kind of right. Yeonjun doesn’t need any more love—his life is full of it.
*
“How’s the wild goose chase going?” Taehyun asks curiously. “Haven’t found anyone who wants to kiss you yet?”
Yeonjun tuts, doing his absolute best to school his face into the most annoyed possible expression he knows how to make. They’re at a coffee shop on campus, because Taehyun and him were supposed to be having a roommate hang out, except Beomgyu had texted Taehyun to hang out, and then Taehyun had given Yeonjun that pitiful, kicked dog look, so Yeonjun had bitterly said sure, invite Beomgyu, and Beomgyu was like I’ll buy everyone’s coffees in light of Yeonjun’s unending selflessness.
Except they had gotten here and Taehyun and Beomgyu had kicked up a huff about how Yeonjun is the hyung, here, and now Yeonjun was third wheeling, and on top of it, he’d ended up paying for their lunch, because of course once he’d agreed to pay, suddenly it went from just coffee to coffee and sandwiches and pastries. Yeonjun hates having Paired friends.
“Plenty of people want to kiss me, mind you,” Yeonjun grumbles.
“Ahh, you know what I mean.” Taehyun laughs. Yeonjun does his best to ignore the fact that he and Beomgyu are very obviously playing footsies beneath the table. “Have you found anyone who you want to kiss back?”
The short answer: no. They’re well into October now, and Yeonjun is more than halfway through the list they’d compiled at the start of the school year. Nearly everyone on campus has heard in some way or the other that Yeonjun is on the search for his Half. These days, it seems like more people are approaching him than the other way around. But none of them have felt right. Yeonjun updates them on the few experiences he hadn’t gotten around to texting in the groupchat yet: the freshman girl who Yeonjun remembers seeing before the party that had swore up and down she was his half, some straight transfer kid on the dance team who had practically ran when Yeonjun had approached him.
And Beomgyu asks, seemingly out of nowhere, “You’ve been hanging out with Soobin-hyung a lot lately, right?”
“I guess, yeah?” Since getting ramen, he and Soobin had hung out alone a couple more times, studying together at the library or grabbing lunch in the dining hall between classes. Nothing much to it; Soobin was just incredibly easy to talk to.
“Oh yeah,” Taehyun chimes in, exaggerating innocence. “Beomgyu mentioned that Hyung’s been gone a lot from their dorm hanging with you.”
Yeonjun narrows his eyes. He knows when he’s being ambushed, especially a planned ambush from a tag team. “So what?”
“So,” Beomgyu continues. “He’s cute, right?”
“Sure,” Yeonjun says easily. “But we’re just friends. I’m looking for my Half, remember?”
“And you’re not having much luck,” Taehyun says.
“No shit.”
“It doesn’t hurt to date, you know,” Beomgyu says. “Before you find your Half. Or even after—lots of people do it. Maybe it’ll get your mind off things.”
“Maybe you’ll end up liking him more than your actual Half,” Taehyun adds.
“Look I know what you guys are doing, and it’s not working. I don’t want to be set up. Soobin and I are just friends, anyway. He doesn’t like me like that, and he knows I’m looking for my Half. Hell, he’s been helping me to find them. Unlike you guys,” Yeonjun adds pointedly.
Taehyun and Beomgyu share a look.
It’s easy for them to say, Yeonjun thinks bitterly. They’re still in their honeymoon phase, still less than two years away from the day that Beomgyu had had his own First Sight. Yeonjun still remembers that day, how Taehyun and him had walked into their required Korean History class on the first day of the semester and Beomgyu had gasped so loudly that the professor was ready to call the campus health center.
He’d come stumbling over to them, so dazed that he didn’t seem to notice other students in his way complaining as he stepped over their bags and feet. When he reached them, there were tears filling his eyes. “I think we’re Halves,” Beomgyu had choked out, eyes only on Taehyun. To this day, it was the only time Yeonjun had ever seen Beomgyu with more than a hair out of place in public.
Taehyun had smiled at him brightly. “Really? Hi. I’m Kang Taehyun.” And that had been that.
That’s what Yeonjun had wanted, what he’d always dreamed of, something romantic and easy and memorable. His First Sight was certainly memorable, but the further he gets from that night at the party, the harder it gets, and he definitely wouldn’t call any part of this romantic.
Yeonjun pouts some more until the two of them eventually give up and leave him alone, chatting about other topics as they polish off their lunch. They leave a little bit after, but not before Taehyun and Beomgyu share a prolonged goodbye kiss, Yeonjun wrinkling his nose.
Taehyun waits until Beomgyu has walked off to class and the two of them are heading back to their dorm to broach the subject again. “All we’re saying is that you don’t have to feel bad about living your life in the meanwhile, Hyung. Your Half would want that for you, anyway. And they’re probably off living their own life. It’s only fair.”
“Would you?” Yeonjun counters.
“Would I what?”
“Just go about living your life? If you knew that Beomgyu was out there… waiting for you?”
“That’s different, though,” Taehyun argues. “We found each other—liked each other—right away.”
“But hypothetically?” Yeonjun presses. “If you hadn’t.”
Taehyun hesitates.
“That’s what I thought.”
Taehyun sighs. “Look, it doesn’t have to be Soobin, okay? Or anyone, even. I just think you should lay off a bit. Obsessing over something like this can’t be healthy.”
Yeonjun rolls his eyes. But he knows Taehyun is coming from a good place, that his friends are just worried about him. “Yeah, yeah, Taehyun-ssi. Your wish is my command.”
*
“Chaewon-ah,” Yeonjun calls.
He’s just finished leading a group of freshman girls in the first half of some new choreography for an upcoming competition—part of his new responsibilities as captain. He’s stretching, facing the wall of mirrors as the girls pack up and chatter around him. They finished early; he figures he should use the extra time to practice his own solo for the competition. He’s tuning them out, mostly, until a snippet of conversation catches his attention.
“Yeah, Oppa?” Chaewon replies easily. Her hair is red today. She dyes it so often that it’s not unusual to see a bead of colored sweat dripping down her forehead during practice.
“Did you say you were also at the start-of-year campus party?”
“Just for a few hours,” she answers. Then she laughs. “Don’t worry if you didn’t recognize me on the first day of dance, I had blue and green hair then.”
Green and blue hair. That does ring a bell. Then suddenly it clicks. Yeonjun does remember seeing her at the party. Right around the time he had his First Sight. His next words come out in a rush. “I had my First Sight that night.”
“Really?” Chaewon says. “I had mine at a party, too. In high school, right before graduation.”
“Oh.” Yeonjun sighs. “That’s nice.”
Chaewon stares. “Were you, uh, gonna say something else?”
Yeonjun waves her off. “Nevermind. Good job today; see you Thursday.”
She beams at him, appeased, then disappears with the last few stragglers from class. Yeonjun gets up to start the music.
*
In early November, Soobin invites Yeonjun to karaoke. A pleasant surprise.
Yeonjun’s beginning to realize that Soobin is a bit shy, not exactly in a nervous way, but more in a fundamental way. Yeonjun had mentioned offhandedly that he liked karaoke, and Soobin had mentioned offhandedly that he had a gift voucher. Didn’t really ask, had waited for Yeonjun to say, “Oh, you’re totally treating me.” It’s cute. Yeonjun was enough go-getter for the both of them.
Another surprise—Soobin has a nice, clear voice, sweet and steady. He’s simultaneously less and more shy when he sings. Even more so when Yeonjun sings along, loud and dramatic and a little nasally to some new top 50 song. It’s fun, the most fun Yeonjun has had in weeks. Somehow, the only time Yeonjun is not thinking about his Half, is when he’s with Soobin. When their hour-long session with the voucher ends, Yeonjun offers to pay for another half hour, and then another.
Soobin treats them both to a cone of ice cream afterwards, waving away Yeonjun’s—admittedly feeble—protests that he can buy his own. He’s usually the mathyung in all his groups. It feels nice to be treated for once.
Or maybe it’s not much of a surprise, based on Taehyun and Beomgyu’s less than subtle attempts to set them up whenever they hang out as a group. Or the fact that Soobin had basically admitted he was interested all that while ago at the party. Or the fact that they’re kind of sort of very obviously on a date.
“Is this a date?” Yeonjun asks finally. He has to ask.
They’re sitting on a bench outside, about halfway from their respective dorms. That was another surprise; they live less than five minutes away from each other, which Yeonjun probably should have known considering that Soobin was Beomgyu’s roommate. They’re both fast eaters, another thing they have in common, and working on finishing their cones, ice cream long gone.
Soobin is simultaneously less and more shy. “Do you want it to be, Hyung?”
Yeonjun considers. Any other time he would’ve said yes. Soobin is nice and sweet and tall and handsome, and attractive in that way where you don’t realize he’s your type until suddenly, oh, he’s exactly your type.
They have an undeniable bond. Since that first night at the party Yeonjun had felt it and reveled in how easy it is to talk to Soobin, to be around him. He’s not so much of an idiot that he hadn’t realized that Soobin is harboring a little crush on him. It would be so, so easy.
But… his Half.
“Let’s just be friends,” Soobin offers before Yeonjun can answer. “Sorry if I made it weird. If I’m making things weird.”
This tugs at Yeonjun’s complicated heart strings. “It’s not weird. I had a really nice time. It’s just…”
“Your Half,” Soobin finishes. “I get it.”
“I’m sorry,” Yeonjun says lamely. “Ah, you probably think I’m so old-fashioned.”
“Nah,” Soobin says. He finishes the end of his ice cream cone in one impossibly large bite and says, a little, impulsively, “I don’t think it’s old-fashioned. It’s kind of sweet. Nobody is ever that serious about their First Sight these days. It’s like romantic drama stuff. I bet your other Half will be happy to know that you were so serious about finding them.”
The thought makes Yeonjun smile. That’s why he’s doing all this, right? Compiling lists and staying after class to approach people and avoiding dating perfectly cute guys. For his Half. At least someone understands. Soobin can be so strangely sage sometimes. Yeonjun’s comforted, some of that weird buzzing in his body ever since he started looking for his Half quieted momentarily.
He reaches up to brush a crumb of the wafer cone off of Soobin’s cheek. “Friends?”
Soobin blushes. “I’d love that.”
*
“…Jay from student council, Beomgyu’s friend from chemistry, even that really scary senior Taehyung.” Yeonjun finishes, collapsing onto Soobin’s unmade twin bed. There are clothes everywhere—beside the pillows, on the floor, tangled in the blankets. But Soobin’s not gross, he’s just messy, and Yeonjun finds his space comforting.
Soobin looks up from his desk, laptop open. He’s dressed comfortably in a sweatshirt and pants, the picture of ease. “And nothing?"
“Nothing,” Yeonjun confirms. He groans. “God, at this rate, I’m gonna graduate before I find my Half.”
Soobin laughs. “You’re not gonna graduate at all if you don’t start handing in some assignments. Come on, study with me.”
Yeonjun ignores him. “And when I do graduate, who knows what will happen? Everyone will separate off to different cities or countries or maybe even continents—”
“Hyung,” Soobin interrupts. “Study with me, please?”
Yeonjun looks up at him, like he’s just noticing he’s there. “Study?”
“Yeah. Midterms are next week, remember?”
This is their new normal. Now that they’ve finally gotten their weird, in-limbo, Soobin-might-have-had-a-crush-on-Yeonjun, Yeonjun-might-have-liked-him-back-if-he-didn’t-have-his-First-Sight, stuff out into the open and out of the way, things are easy. Their friendship is simple and kind of perfect and exactly what Yeonjun needs. They hang out all the time now—getting food, watching movies, they even go back for karaoke again. He finds himself here a lot, when he’s free. Soobin’s not the type to mind being barged in on at any time of the day, and Yeonjun’s exactly the type to barge in at any time of the day. Beomgyu, Taehyun, and Kai poke fun at how much they hang out, but Yeonjun doesn’t care anymore. They’re just friends, and really good friends at that. Yeonjun needs a friend right now.
He gets up from Soobin’s bed with an exaggerated groan. Soobin and Beomgyu’s dorm is tiny, a near exact replica of Yeonjun and Taehyun’s room across the street. Two twin beds, two small desks, two little closets. Everything is so cramped together that if Soobin was to stretch over from the desk, he’d be touching the mess of clothes piled at the foot of his bed.
Yeonjun finds his backpack hastily discarded near the door and tugs it open, pulls out a random textbook. He takes it with him back to Soobin’s bed, stretching out on top of the clothes and hoping absentmindedly that they’re fresh from the laundry and not due for the laundry. He huffs and shuffles and loudly flips pages for exactly eight minutes before Soobin finally sighs.
“Are you even reading?”
Yeonjun pouts, even though Soobin is not looking at him. “I can’t concentrate.”
Soobin knows him, by now. “Because you’re still thinking about your Half.”
Yeonjun doesn’t deny it. Except, actually, he was thinking about Soobin—the gentle slope of his nose and the way the dim light from the laptop screen makes his eyelashes cast wispy shadows against his cheek as he concentrates on his assignment. “Because I’m a dance major being forced to take a history class.”
Soobin shakes his head, laughing quietly. He always laughs at all of Yeonjun’s unfunny quips. He reaches one long arm over his bed’s little wooden headboard tentatively… and then he threads his fingers through Yeonjun’s hair, dry and a little brittle from constant dye jobs. He combs through it softly, scratches Yeonjun’s scalp lightly, doesn’t even look away from his laptop. Yeonjun stiffens for a quarter of a second, and then he leans into the touch with an exhale.
“Just relax then, Hyung,” Soobin suggests. “You’re too busy these days.”
Yeonjun can’t argue with that. He dozes to sleep on Soobin’s bed, forgetting even to feel bad as Soobin is forced to type steadily at his essay with one hand.
*
“Hi, Jaehyun-ssi!” Yeonjun calls from his table in the dining hall. He’s getting a quick lunch with Kai, but he recognizes the guy walking past them.
“Sorry, Yeonjun,” the junior guy responds quickly. Jaehyun is a transfer student that Soobin knows from orientation. “It’s not me.”
“I didn’t even ask you yet,” Yeonjun replies, pouting.
“Everybody knows you’re looking,” Jaehyun replies, shrugging. “Anyway, I’m already Paired. Good luck with your search!”
“Thanks,” Yeonjun mutters.
Next to him, Kai stifles laughter behind his hand.
*
“Tell me what it felt like,” Soobin says.
“Mmm?”
“The First Sight.”
They’re lying on their backs on the wood floor in Yeonjun and Taehyun’s dorm room, staring at the ceiling. There’s some random indie music playlist of Yeonjun’s on, which Yeonjun had fought for, because Soobin had Bebe Rexha on his playlists non-ironically. Taehyun is out with Beomgyu, per usual. It’s a Friday night in November. Yeonjun was usually the going-out type on weekends, but he’d felt pretty averse to parties this semester, for obvious reasons. And besides, Soobin has texted Yeonjun, what’s up? Yeonjun had said, come over, and that had been that.
“It’s hard to explain,” Yeonjun answers. “It’s like… like something just clicks inside of you. You know when you’re watching a movie, and somebody offers you a blanket halfway through, and once you put it on, you realize that you were actually really cold the whole time, but you didn’t notice because the movie was distracting you?”
Soobin laughs. “Uh, I guess yeah.”
“It’s like that. Like something was missing the whole time, and you didn’t even realize it until that moment. And now that you do know, you can’t just keep going on shivering, right?” Yeonjun shakes his head as if to clear it. “I don’t know… it’s kind of intense.”
“Not really,” Soobin says. A little absentmindedly, like he’s thinking out loud.
Yeonjun turns to look at him. “Not really?”
Soobin’s eyes are shut, head facing the ceiling still. “I mean, it just sounds like falling in love.”
Yeonjun sits up, completely now, leaning over to look at Soobin’s face—eyes shut, slight blush, lips pursed. “Love?”
“Forget it,” Soobin says quickly. He goes to sit up without opening his eyes and Yeonjun doesn’t move in time; they bump foreheads. “Ow, Hyung.”
“Sorry,” Yeonjun mutters, rubbing his head. “You’ve been in love?” He’s not sure why he feels like Soobin’s answer might make him sick.
“I meant,” Soobin amends. “That it sounds like falling in love, you know? How they describe it in movies and things.”
Yeonjun leans back a bit, suspicious. “You’re a bad liar.”
Soobin groans. He’s impossibly pink now—tips of his ears, cheeks, everything. “You never leave anything alone.”
Yeonjun hesitates. He wants to know more, and also, he never wants to hear the word love come out of Soobin’s mouth ever again. He chooses the less-terrifying option and changes the subject. “What about you? Do you want a Half?”
Soobin hesitates. “Everybody has a Half.”
“You know what I mean. Do you want one?”
“I want… I want to be happy,” Soobin says. “In the grand scheme of things, I don’t think it matters that much to me if my happiness comes from a Pair or not. God, that sounds lame.”
“Not lame,” Yeonjun counters immediately. The song that had been playing ends right at that moment, and his next words sound painfully serious in the silence. “I wish I was more like that.”
Soobin sits up again. This time he’s looking over Yeonjun, bewildered. “Like me?”
“Yeah,” Yeonjun confirms, relieved when the next song begins to play. “You know, calmer. More thoughtful. More… steady. Lie back down.”
Soobin does. Slowly. “Hyung, I wish I was more like you.”
Yeonjun blinks.
“Like,” Soobin says, and the words trip over each other on their way out. “You know what you want, and you make sure you get it, you know? You go after everything in life. Living like that, you’ll have no regrets.”
Yeonjun smiles wryly. He shouldn’t say this, but— “It’s funny, I was just thinking that I don’t get everything I want though.”
“The point is that you try.”
What an odd thought, that the Yeonjun Soobin knows is braver and smarter and more daring than the Yeonjun Yeonjun knows. He likes that, though. He wants to be more like the Yeonjun Soobin thinks he is. So he says as much, because they’ve already ventured into uncharted waters tonight, what’s one more time?
“Hyung,” Soobin replies. “You already are.”
*
Naturally, the frat that Kai belongs to has an end-of-semester party. They do every year, and Yeonjun really shouldn’t be surprised, and he isn't. The surprise is this: Soobin showing up at their dorm dressed in a dark shirt and pants, expensive jacket, shiny leather boots that make him taller than he has any right to be. The surprise is this: the soft and smokey eyeshadow dusting his lids, the pinker than normal lips.
Beomgyu pushes past Soobin in the doorway and invites himself into the room, laughing at whatever face Yeonjun is making. “You can thank me, I did it. Where’s my boyfriend?”
Somewhere behind Yeonjun, Taehyun groans playfully. “Oh, I’m your boyfriend now—” he’s cut off by a loud smacking noise.
Yeonjun ignores them. “Uh, looks nice,” he breathes, pointing in the general direction of Soobin’s face like an idiot.
Soobin’s cheeks dimple. “Thanks. You too.”
Yeonjun turns and heads to his closet before he can embarrass himself any further. He digs for a minute before he pulls out his own pair of dressy boots, unused since last winter. They’ll probably pinch his feet a bit, but there’s no way he’s going to let Soobin just tower over him like that all night. He tugs them on and, yup, tight. He reaches for his jacket anyway, then clears his throat loudly. “Okay, ready to go. Enough weird foreplay, or whatever you guys are doing.”
Beomgyu’s hands freeze from where he’s tying a scarf around Taehyun’s neck and somehow making it look seductive. He sticks his hands in his pockets shamelessly but Taehyun’s strangled squeak gives them away. Beomgyu pinches his side. “Seriously?”
Taehyun pinches him back. Soobin laughs loudly and Yeonjun looks over and suddenly his toes aren’t the only thing feeling constricted.
“Let’s go,” Yeonjun repeats. “Please.”
*
School had technically broken for winter break yesterday, but there were still just as many students on campus, here for one last night of partying in typical university-student fashion. Tonight’s party is just as big as the one at the start of the semester, maybe even bigger. When Yeonjun steps through the front door of the frat house, he’s almost expecting to have his First Sight again, shoulders tense.
“Hyungs!” Kai shouts loudly from the stairs, waving them over, and Yeonjun relaxes. Perks of having a friend who was in a frat: the four of them hand their jackets off to Kai to store in his room, avoiding the gross pile of coats spilling out of the front closet. They get drinks from the keg and say hello to the people they know. The energy is victorious with the last of finals behind them, the music is thrumming beneath Yeonjun’s skin, and like always he just wants to dance. This is Yeonjun’s element.
“Hi, Yeonjun-oppa!”
“Oh, hey, Chaewon-ah. You’re here again,” Yeonjun notes. “Guys, this is Chaewon from my dance team. She’s my star student.”
Chaewon shakes off the compliment and tugs on the hand of a slight, shy-looking boy who is trailing behind her. “Ahh, that’s not true. This is my Half, Jungwon. He’s at uni in Daejeon.”
Yeonjun makes his introductions, trying to coo at how cute they are together. He waits to feel the prickle of bitterness that he usually gets from being around Pairs lately, but it doesn’t come. Chaewon wishes him a good break, and he returns the sentiment, sighing a little once they’ve walked away.
When he turns back to his group, it’s only Soobin left, somehow just like that first night. A warmth fills Yeonjun’s chest, something like deja-vu, but sweeter. Soobin’s looking at him like he’s thinking the same thing, and this time he’s the one to offer. “Wanna do a shot?”
“Duh.”
*
They do a couple before Soobin opts out, asking Yeonjun if he wants to go out on the balcony for some air.
“Gonna throw up?” Yeonjun teases.
“Very funny.”
Yeonjun’s been out here before. A couple times when visiting Kai, once or twice during a party. The music is still loud, but not so loud that they can’t speak at a normal volume. There’s only a few other people out—smoking—probably because it’s so cold that Yeonjun can see his breath. Their jackets were still in Kai’s room.
“It’s freezing,” Yeonjun says, at the same exact time that Soobin goes, “So, you never found your Half.”
They laugh at each other’s timing. Yeonjun’s teeth chatter. “Yeah, I guess I didn’t.”
“And?”
“And…”
“You don’t seem to be in so much of a hurry anymore. I noticed that you haven’t been talking about it as much.”
Yeonjun’s not following. “It’s not like I’m giving up. I’ll definitely find them next semester. I have to.”
“What if…” Soobin exhales. Yeonjun watches the breath come out of his mouth like smoke tendrils. “What if you never find them?”
Yeonjun squares his shoulders. That’s not an option. “I have to.”
“Would it be so bad, though?” Soobin continues. “I’ve heard of people not ever finding their Half. Apparently this year, more babies were born without a First Sight gene than ever in history. It’s not the end all be all. You can find love, be happy without it.”
“What are you, a reporter?” Yeonjun snaps.
Soobin recoils. “I’m just saying.”
Yeonjun frowns. “Aren’t your parents a Pair?”
“Well, yeah—”
“So are mine. And they’re happy, so happy, and they love each other and love me. Is it so bad that I want that for myself? It’s like you don’t want me to be happy.”
They’re making a scene now. The balcony door slides open and shut as the small group who’d been smoking over the railing return inside. Yeonjun wraps his arms around his torso.
“I do want you to be happy,” Soobin protests. “That’s exactly what I’m talking about. This—stalking people and making lists and wondering if you’re good enough—isn’t making you happy. And instead, you’re ignoring the things, the people, who actually could make you happy, in search of this stupid higher power that doesn’t even mean anything at the end of the day.”
“I’m not ignor—”
“You are!” Soobin shouts. Then he swallows. More quietly, he adds, “You are, Hyung. You’re not seeing what’s right in front of you.”
“Soobin-ah…”
Soobin’s voice is as soft as he’s ever heard it. “What if I’m right in front of you?”
And Yeonjun… Yeonjun’s heart thumps dangerously in his chest. He shakes his head vehemently. “No.”
“Why not?” Soobin demands. He throws his hands in the air. “Everybody else gets a chance, everybody else gets a second glance from you? But not me? What are you so afraid of?”
Yeonjun ignores his theatrics, thinking hard. Thinking back to that night at that party. Months ago, now. Has he really known Soobin for months already? Have they really been best friends that long? Because they were. Soobin is the best friend Yeonjun has ever had.
Hadn’t he met Soobin after he’d had the First Sight? Beomgyu had introduced them in the frat kitchen, Yeonjun was sure of it. And besides, Yeonjun surely would have noticed if he was one of the people in the frat house foyer, right? But then another memory strikes him. At the door that night, he’d looked into the throng of people and seen… a tall, dark-haired boy with dimples, somehow towering over most of the crowd.
What are you so afraid of? Everything, Yeonjun thinks. That it won’t be like he imagined. That his love story won’t be the fairytale his parents have. That the First Sight is really like what everybody says. Nothing special at all. That true love is just a thing of books and songs and movies.
That Choi Yeonjun is really just Choi Yeonjun, not somebody to be loved and cherished and wanted. That there’s no actual magic to life. That life is just. Regular. These are the fears that have kept him up at night for years, since before he’d even had his First Sight.
But there’s a new fear, too.
“Hyung, say something.” Soobin pleads. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to shout at you—”
“I’m afraid…” Yeonjun whispers. “What if it’s not you?”
This is the new fear. The thing that’s been secretly eating him alive ever since Soobin had asked him, “Are you looking for someone?” all that while ago. It hadn’t gone away, not when Soobin had thrown up over his party shoes, not after all this time. Because isn’t that worse? If it’s not Soobin? If Yeonjun’s Half is still out there, why would he want it to be anyone else? So finally, the truth: he’s been too scared to know.
Soobin’s gaze softens. “Would it matter so much?”
Yeonjun wants so badly to say that it won’t. “It does to me. I’m sorry. I am. I don’t know why I’m like this. I just… ” he trails off lamely.
Soobin doesn't even falter. His voice is impossibly soft, fond, warm. “I know. I like you… how you are.”
Yeonjun doesn’t deserve him.
Soobin steps closer to him, so that their breaths mingle in the cold air. He is so, so close. Yeonjun is so, so scared. Soobin says, “Let me try. I think… Let’s try.”
“Soobin,” Yeonjun cautions, but he moves in closer, too.
“Please.” Soobin’s voice cracks. “You’re not the only one who’s been wondering.”
“Soobin,” Yeonjun breathes again. But he says it like what he’d meant to say is yes. “Okay, let’s try.”
Yeonjun’s not sure who leans in first. What he knows is that it takes nothing at all to close the distance between them. Soobin’s mouth is warm but his lips are pleasantly cool. He tastes a little like peach soju. Like sunlight, too, if Yeonjun could taste sunlight. Like home.
But. It’s just a kiss.
Yeonjun pulls back, frowning. Soobin mirrors him.
They wait a minute.
Then another.
Another.
And… nothing.
Soobin scrunches his nose. “I don’t under—”
And then, there it is. Yeonjun knows it hits them both at the same time, because Soobin’s jaw drops open in a gasp right as the feeling blooms in Yeonjun’s own body. That familiar feeling— a swoop in your stomach, a flutter down your spine, a twist of your heart. It lasts barely two minutes, but it’s just as bright as the first time.
“Um,” Yeonjun says when he can talk again. “Um, yeah, that was it.”
Soobin beams at him. “Really? I must’ve missed it.”
And wow, that smile hurts. The way sunshine hurts. Yeonjun’s heart thumps. Of course, he’s been looking for Soobin this whole time, looking at Soobin looking back at him… and not seeing.
Yeonjun laughs. At Soobin’s stupid joke, at his stupid smile, at everything and nothing. He knows Soobin is just teasing, but he plays along, slides an arm around Soobin’s waist and tugs them together. Half, Half, Half. Yeonjun’s Half.
“Maybe we should try again… just in case.”
Soobin is laughing too. Was he always this pretty? Yeonjun doesn’t remember. It’s the alcohol, it must be. “You sure? I mean I wouldn’t want to play with fate.”
Yeonjun blushes. “Shut up.”
Soobin’s bold now. The one-eighty makes Yeonjun’s head spin. “Make me,” he says immediately.
Yeonjun groans. Then he makes him.
This kiss is less nervous, more exploratory. Hands come up to caress jaws, thread through hair, they press closer together. Another flutter down Yeonjun’s spine—this time it’s Soobin’s fingers, stroking him like he’s delicate. Like they have all the time in the world. He guesses they do.
When they pull back, Yeonjun’s chin trembles.
Soobin’s eyes widen. “Are you gonna cry?”
Yeonjun punches him in the shoulder, but it’s weak. Soobin is right—a weird, strangled sob slips out of his mouth. “You don’t know how long,” he chokes out. “How long I’ve been waiting for this. For you. Before my First Sight, even. For as long as I can remember, I’ve dreamt of it.”
Soobin laughs again, a wonderful, musical thing. Not in amusement but in awe. Not because it’s funny but because he’s joyous. He pulls Yeonjun closer to him again. “Well, I’m here now. I’m here.”
And he is.
Soobin leans down and kisses Yeonjun again, because he can. Kisses Yeonjun’s face like he’s delicate, mouths over his tears like they’re holy water. His breath fans over Yeonjun’s upper lip, and even that is sweet, like every part of Soobin was made for him to love. “Is it as good as you dreamed?”
“Better,” Yeonjun cries. “And for you?”
“Is it good?”
“Did you dream of me?”
“Oh, Hyung. Yeonjunnie,” Soobin says, holding his face like it’s the most precious thing in the world. “I’m dreaming of you even when you’re standing right in front of me.”
And he is.
*
When they all get breakfast the next morning, Taehyun and Beomgyu admit that they had taken bets on how long it would take the two of them to put it together. “I really thought it’d be next semester,” Beomgyu says, shaking his head at the two of them.
Taehyun whoops. “Too bad, pay up.”
Kai says, “Of course you’re a Pair. You’re both such idiots that it makes perfect sense. You’re made for each other.”
“Hey,” Soobin protests. “If I was the Half with the Sight I would’ve found Yeonjun immediately.”
Yeonjun glares at him. “It’s not that easy!”
Soobin is smiling, though. He tangles his fingers with Yeonjun’s under the table.“I know, I know.”
Yeonjun can’t help but smile back. There are just some things about being a Pair that are easier to experience than to watch. Like the way Yeonjun can’t seem to not smile whenever Soobin meets his eyes, or the tinge of anxiety that goes up his neck unless he can be touching Soobin in some capacity at all times. It’s overwhelming, sometimes too much. Most of the time, it’s just enough. You don’t know until you know. Now, Yeonjun knows.
Or maybe that’s just Soobin. Yeonjun’s sweet, sweet Soobin who is actually his now. Forever. The honeymoon phase goes away, is what everybody says, but Yeonjun can’t imagine a day where Soobin will look at him and his traitorous heart won’t skip a beat. He likes it that way. He squeezes Soobin’s hand back.
Maybe they’re doing a bad job at being subtle, because the others make disgusted faces at them. Yeonjun is sure to bring up Taehyun and Beomgyu’s own post-First-Sight adventures. They were much, much worse. And then he wrestles Kai into a headlock, taller than him or not, and assures the younger, “You’re next.”
Soobin laughs loudly at his antics, watching him with something like love in his eyes. Like the books, the movies, the songs. Yeonjun knows now—yeah, his life is full of love. So, what’s a little more?