Chapter Text

Neil wakes to warmth. 

It’s all around him: splaying across his body, wrapped around his back, dancing across his face. Neil’s cheek is squished against something hot and soft; there is an arm curled around his back that is keeping him in place. It’s probably the nicest way Neil has woken up in his entire life.

Fluttering his eyes open, Neil shifts his face upward, unsticking himself from the spot where he fell asleep against Andrew’s chest.

The sun is coming in through the window, highlighting the golden locks splaying against the white pillow and curling into the air. Andrew’s face is slack with sleep, the usual tension that he carries washed away with a night’s rest undisturbed by nightmares. Neil can’t help but wonder if the night they had, has anything to do with Andrew’s peace.

Neil’s stomach flips at the reminder of last night’s events; inside him, there is a warmth quickly growing to rival the one surrounding his body. They are still naked, Neil realizes; their bodies are still pressed against each other. Neil thought that waking up with his body exposed would make him panic, but he’s snuggly and buried under the white sheets and the thick duvet - and the way Andrew holds him makes any fear melt away. 

Reaching up, he moves his hand up Andrew’s chest to touch his chin with two outstretched fingers. At the touch, Andrew shifts, rousing slowly with a quiet hum. Neil lets his head fall back onto Andrew’s chest as the arms around him pull him closer. 

“Morning,” Andrew mumbles, voice gravelly from sleep. It makes something in Neil’s gut tighten. 

“Good morning,” Neil whispers back, not wanting to break the quiet atmosphere surrounding them. Andrew ducks his head slightly so he can press a kiss against the pads of Neil’s fingers resting on his chin. 

Hazel eyes open, looking down to lock with ice-blue. Neil can’t help the giddy smile that splits across his face. 

“How are you feeling?” Andrew asks, shifting to his side and gently dislodging Neil from his position on his chest. Neil grumbles a bit at that but Andrew quickly scoots down so he can look properly at Neil, tilting his head so now they are both just resting beneath the pillows. Lifting a hand, Andrew tucks a stray curl behind Neil’s ear before smoothing his thumb across the scars lining his cheeks. “Are you okay?”

“More than okay.” Neil promises, but the crinkle that forms between Andrew’s eyebrows gives away his anxiety. 

“I’m serious, you can tell me if something hurts or-” 

Neil reaches up and cups Andrew’s face, still smiling softly, but he cuts Andrew off in a gentle voice. “I know Andrew. I would tell you, I feel good. Really good.”

He can’t help but blush at the admission - because it’s true. It’s not that Neil doesn’t feel anything, because he does. There is a pleasant ache throughout his body - through everywhere. It’s like Andrew is still there, still inside of him. Neil thinks he might be addicted to it. 

Andrew’s face softens at Neil, and he nods. “Good.”

“What about you?”

Andrew hums. “I feel good too.” 

Their faces come closer, and Neil can’t help but pull Andrew in to kiss him. The butterflies burst to life in his stomach immediately, like they always do. He scoots closer, feeling warm skin against his own. Andrew sighs quietly against Neil’s lips and it’s... nice. Everything feels nice . 

Banging on the door jolts them apart. 

“Andrew! Neil! Come on! I still need a ride to class.” Kevin’s voice drifts through the wall alongside the sound of his pounding fist.

Neil groans, rolling his eyes and thumping his head into the pillows. “You should never have promised to give him rides to class.”

“It isn’t my fault he moved dorms,” Andrew mumbles. “Or that I got a little tipsy one time last year.” 

The banging continues and Neil glares, only for it to fall flat when Andrew noses at him.

“I’m going to use my key!” Kevin finally threatens. The scratching of his attempts to get the key into the lock follows soon after to prove the validity of the threat. That finally drags Andrew up.

“Fuck off Kevin! We’ll be out in a minute.” 

“Hurry up! I have a test in my first lecture, you asswipes!”

Andrew groans and Neil laughs, enjoying the view as Andrew clambers to his feet and begins getting dressed. 

“Come on, Josten, we have a child to appease, apparently.” 

Neil snorts, sitting up and running a hand through the mess of his hair. Pillowing his face in his hand, he shrugs.

“Woah, two kids now? Moving fast, are we?” 

Andrew gives him a bewildered look and Neil motions over to the safe still nestled in the corner of their room by his bed. Andrew stares at it before his brows raise in question.

“Wow, are you finally going to show me what’s in your super secret safe that you threatened to beat me up over?”

Neil laughs, getting to his feet and tugging on the boxers he wore last night with a grimace. He quickly moves over to the metal box and leans down to unlock it. It isn’t difficult to unlock - but he’s grateful that Andrew didn’t even try to snoop at the beginning. 

Inside is a slumped-over, very familiar stuffed fox. Neil pulls it out to wave it at Andrew.

“Sock-dick,” Andrew whispers in mock surprise. “I almost forgot about Sock-dick.”

Neil stifles another laugh into his shoulder before reaching back into the safe to answer Andrew’s original question. Behind the fox is an old photo; it was the original reason behind why Neil spent the money on the safe in the first place. Living with Riko left him in constant fear that one day he’d piss Riko off enough for him to destroy the last photo Neil has of himself and his mother. 

It didn’t need a safe this size, but Neil supposes he wanted at least one spot where he knew his stuff would be safe if he ever did get more things for himself that he truly cared about. 

Behind him, Andrew steps closer, and Neil arches so he can see the photo. It’s been bent weirdly at the edges and the photo is partially blurry, but Neil can still make out the brown curls and tanned skin of his mother, her warm grey eyes staring at the camera in a rare moment of happiness.

“It’s the only thing I have left,” he explains, but Andrew doesn’t need him to. Instead, Andrew squeezes Neil’s shoulder softly.

“We can get a frame,” Andrew says quietly. Neil smiles because yeah, he guessed they could.

He opens his mouth to thank Andrew, but more loud banging both cuts Neil off and causes them both to jolt.

“HURRY UP!” Kevin shouts again. Andrew scowls, pulling away and flipping off the door aggressively before walking to their closet, grabbing clothes at random. He throws a black hoodie at Neil along with a new pair of boxers.

“That’s it, we are only having one kid. That one can go up for adoption,” he growls. Neil has to hide his laugh into his hoodie. 

-

The drive to class is a nice one, even with a scowling Kevin in the back.

“I hate this. I hate the fact you two are together. This is going to be the end of me. I can barely handle you both on your own, but together ?” Kevin throws his hands in the air in exasperation. “I’m never going to be at anything on time.” 

“You could walk,” Andrew grouses from the front seat, which does nothing but stroke Kevin’s ire more. 

“If I did that, then neither of you would show up to your classes or practices on time.” 

While maybe Kevin isn’t completely wrong, neither Neil nor Andrew want to hear it. Andrew pulls into general parking and puts the car in park with a sigh. Neil leans to look over the passenger seat with a grin.

“Mind your business,” Neil says. Kevin narrows his eyes, his mouth opening to argue, but Neil is quick to stop him. “Oh! By the way, I forgot to ask last time we talked - how’s Jeremy doing?” 

Like whenever this topic is brought up, Kevin’s face goes beat red. His green eyes widen in surprise and betrayal; he begins sputtering the moment Jeremy’s name leaves Neil’s lips. It’s a power move that never ceases to both amuse Neil and drive Kevin crazy.

Andrew’s eyes jump up to the mirror as well, a smirk crossing his face as he turns to look at Kevin too. 

“ Oh? So this Jeremy guy is a long time thing,” Andrew accuses. Neil feels more glee fill him at the realization that Kevin must have told Andrew about Jeremy, their old exchange student who came to America four years ago. Jeremy only stayed with the Moryiamas for two weeks on an Exy-based exchange program sponsored by the RAVEN company. The two hit it off and, as far as Neil knows, the two still text.

Also Kevin is still smitten.

“This is what I mean!” Kevin cries. “You two are horrible together!” 

“Did you tell Andrew the whole story? About the hot dog?” Neil asks, trying and failing to hide his growing smirk. 

“Hot dog?” Andrew inquires. Kevin scrambles for the door, managing to pop it open before Andrew can lock the truck. 

“Shut up, Neil! You say a word to him about that, and I will tell him every single embarrassing memory I can scrounge up about you!” Kevin shouts, pointing an accusing finger at Neil once he gets outside the car. “And here I was considering telling you about what Allison was planning to do, but I guess I won’t!” 

“Wait, what?”

Kevin shrugs, throwing a wave over his shoulder as he begins to saunter off. An offended noise leaves Neil’s lips as the door slams shut and Andrew makes an amused noise in contrast next to him.

“He’s a bastard,” Neil mutters. “An absolute bastard, I should tell you all about the hot dog story right now just to get back at him. What do you think Allison is planning?” 

“Hopefully to give us our five hundred bucks.” 

-

Allison was, in fact, not handing over the five hundred dollars. 

“You need to come to lunch with me first,” Allison argues, covering the paper Neil was trying to fill out in the library before his next class. “You can’t just start hooking up with the scariest guy on the team and not tell me anything!” 

Neil doesn’t fail to notice that so far she has carefully avoided mentioning Riko. He isn’t sure if he’s grateful for it or annoyed by it, but either way, he wants to get back to his paper before it’s too late.

“Allison,” Neil levels, “I need to finish this.” 

“Come on Neil! Aren’t we like... best friends?” 

That makes Neil raise a brow. “We only really started talking like a few months ago. I don’t know if that puts us in ‘best friend’ territory.” 

Kicking a chair out from the table, Allison plops herself down with a huff. “Fine, then we’re going to become best friends.” 

“Well, okay. Just so you know, not letting me finish my work is not a spectacular start.” 

“Sassy, I like it,” Allison muses, placing her chin on her hand. “So, how was Andrew?”

Neil’s cheeks flare red on instinct. The pencil he’s holding clatters to the ground as he looks up at Allison in accusation. 

“ What?” 

Allison throws her hands up defensively. “Whoa, calm down, tomato, I didn’t say anything about it being sexual, I was asking about the dates! That last photo seemed awfully hasty, and I just want to make sure you’re happy, you know, having a good time!” She mimes an interesting motion with her hands that is rather not appropriate for a library setting.

Neil tries to hide the annoyance that flickers over his face, but he knows it’s futile. As much as he appreciates the Foxes and Allison, he just wants to finish his work and get back to Andrew. And maybe get the money they’ve won. But ultimately, it doesn’t matter. He isn’t interested in divulging his private life.

Clenching his teeth, Neil looks down at his paper and ignores Allison instead. 

Across from him, Allison has seemingly picked up on the mood shift as well. Her shoulders settle and the teasing expression she was wearing smoothes out to a more sincere one. She nods, as if agreeing with Neil’s reaction, and purses her lips.

Finally, she asks, “Can I tell you something?”

Neil frowns, confused. “I mean, yeah?” 

She nods, tapping a perfectly manicured finger on the table before she speaks, “I get it.” 

Of all of the things he thought she might say, Neil expected that the least. He looks up to meet blue eyes, tinged with a sincerity that is no longer hidden behind Allison’s usual mask of apathy and snobbiness. 

“Get what?” 

“No one expects it to be the gay couple,” Allison continues, a bitter smile pulling at her lips. “No one expects it to be someone they know. Never expect it to be us.” 

Neil blinks, losing whatever else he was planning to say. Allison, on the other hand, seems like she’s just getting started.

“I had my first girlfriend in my sophomore year of high school. I wasn’t out to my parents, of course, because I knew what I could lose. So I was flying blind. The relationship started out harmless enough, I suppose, but then suddenly I was scrambling to keep her attention - suddenly nothing I did was good enough unless I was naked. Suddenly, I was doing things I didn’t want to do and I was crying myself to sleep every night because all I wanted was to feel the love I gave in return.” Allison pauses, and she shakes her head. “And I’m sorry, Neil, because you would think, after all of that, that I would’ve noticed quicker that something was happening to you.”  

Neil’s mouth dries at the confession. He stares at the twisted mess of emotions on Allison’s face. He doesn’t think he’s seen her look this upset before, even at the party with Riko. Allison has worn a smooth mask of aloof apathy or anger during every interaction she’s had that Neil’s seen. Neil thinks she and Andrew would probably get along if they ever gave each other a chance. 

“That isn’t your fault, Allison.” 

Allison scoffs. “Isn’t it? Isn’t it everyone’s responsibility to care enough to notice these types of things before it’s too late? Shouldn’t we have done something that day on the field? Or, fuck, we should have done something that night at the party when we were all playing truth or dare.” 

“Allison…” Neil begins, but he trails off when she shakes her head. 

“No, stop, this isn’t going to turn into you comforting me. I just… I just wanted to say that I am sorry. That we all are. And I’m really fucking thrilled that you’re on the team now, and not just some asshole’s boyfriend that we only get to see part-time.” Allison, ever the antagonist, reaches across the table and plucks the pencil out of Neil’s hand with a smile. “ And I’m happy you have Minyard to keep you warm at night.” 

Thunking his head on the table, Neil groans. “You were doing so well.” 

There’s still a smile on his face, though. (And a warm feeling in his chest. But Allison can’t see that.)

Still, she reaches over and ruffles his hair with a laugh. “Come on, we all see those arms. And to think you lasted ten dates? I was jumping on Renee by our second one.” 

Neil can’t help the flush that goes to his cheeks at the thought of Andrew (and his arms). More importantly, the way those arms held him just the night before. 

He decides, in that moment, to give some ground to Allison. 

“Yeah, he’s… good,” Neil amends. “I’m lucky to have met him.” 

Allison latches on to the small thread Neil hands her, but instead of exploiting it like Neil anticipated she would, she takes it with a smile and a gleam in her eyes.

“I think he’s lucky to have met you. But I’m probably biased.” 

Neil’s brows furrow. “How?”

“Well, since Renee is one of Andrew’s best friends, that means I have to be your best friend. It balances out, you see. Besides,” Allison murmurs, “now you can help me win bets against him.” She is leaning in closer as if telling a secret, but at the mentions of bets again, Neil perks up. 

“Speaking of bets, where is the five hundred that you owe me and Andrew?” Neil asks. That has Allison sitting back with an affronted look; she stares at Neil, who meets her gaze easily and raises a brow. 

Suddenly Allison is moving. “That’s my cue to get going!” she chirps. “Lovely chat, Neil, I’ll see you later.” 

“Hey, wait!” Neil jumps from his seat, making an aborted attempt to snag Allison’s arm. But she’s already jogging away while waving a hand over her shoulder. 

Not even five minutes later, while Neil plans his confrontation of Allison at the next team meeting, his phone dings with a text from Andrew. 

Drew - just secured our money from the benefactor >:) date #11???

Neil - oh god   

-

Neil is in his second lecture of the day, half-falling asleep while his mind wanders to warm hands and soft sheets, when his phone buzzes to life again.

He reaches for it, expecting it to be from Andrew. His heart sinks into his gut when he sees the contact name on the lock screen. It's a name he never wanted to add to his phone, but was forced to by a combination of Riko and the fear of what would happen if he didn’t answer in time. 

There could very well be a death sentence to Neil’s new life waiting on his phone right now - and he would learn about it in his fucking Calculus 1200 class. 

Fingers trembling, Neil unlocks his home screen and opens the message. He reads fast enough that the words begin blending into one. 

Tetsuji Moryiama

Nathaniel, as per recent events, it has come to my attention that you and Riko Moryiama are no longer on speaking terms. While this is very shocking and unfortunate to both our family and our business, there is nothing that can seemingly be done to mend this tear. I suppose I do not blame you for this. I am not unfond of you, Nathaniel - you have been a valuable addition to the Moryiama family and also the RAVEN’S future court. For this reason, I wanted to inform you of the decision our family has come to, as a business and other. 

You and Kevin Day will continue your lives as they are now, or how you wish to spend them. But you will never refer to yourselves as Moryiamas, nor will you speak of your time spent with our family. All potential funds provided by the family will be cut off as a result of this, as well as any and all RAVEN sponsorships in your EXY futures. Any continued talk will be considered a breach of this contract and will be seen as slander to our company’s name.

Also, per your Coach David Wymack’s demands, enclosed are the proper papers to have your name changed from Nathaniel Wesninski to your preferred name, Neil Josten. This will suit both of us well and will be done through the same network used to alter your identity after the incident with your father. 

One last piece of information -

Riko Moryiama has been permanently removed and will no longer pose any kind of issue to your continued life. 

Take care, Neil Josten.

Signed, 

The Moryiama’s

Neil stares at the message. He rereads it: once, twice, three times, maybe even four times. Then he’s stumbling to his feet, fumbling for his bag. 

He’s practically sprinting for the exit, which is thankfully closest to Neil’s chair. If it wasn’t, he’d probably look insane. He needs to find Andrew, needs to phone Kevin, needs to tell every person he’s grown to care about that he’s finally- 

Somehow, Andrew is already outside of the classroom. 

Neil collides with his black-clothed chest and Neil reels backwards, feeling warm hands grasp at his shoulders. He looks up to see Andrew’s face. Andrew’s glowing and Neil is trying to show him his phone because he can’t speak. 

“I know, I know, that’s why I’m here. Kevin, he-” Andrew is waving a hand over his shoulder, and that’s when Neil realizes that Kevin is also there. Kevin is holding his own phone in hand with a slack-jawed expression on his face that probably matches Neil’s. Neil can’t tell if he’s happy or if he’s hurting. He’ll have to ask Kevin, he’ll have to be a good brother, but right now the weightlessness of cuffs falling from his wrists and ankles is consuming everything. 

“Andrew, Andrew I’m- he’s- we’re-” Neil shakes his phone again, as if that’ll prove everything, but Andrew just pulls him back into his chest and hugs him. 

The warmth and familiar scent of Andrew helps Neil find his footing again. It helps him intake a sharp breath and will his racing heart to slow. 

“ Free ,” Neil finally gasps into the muffled space between them. “I’m free.” 

“You are,” Andrew whispers, lips pressed to the side of his head. “You are.” 

When Neil looks up, Kevin is smiling too. There is still a crinkle in his brow, one that is inevitable. Kevin just got completely disowned by the family that raised him, and even if said family wasn’t good, nothing can erase the years spent there. But Neil knows that with time, Kevin will be okay. Kevin has Wymack, he has the Foxes, he has Neil. 

As for Neil - well, now the wounds on his wrists are finally getting the chance to heal.

-

After dropping Kevin off at Wymack’s office, Neil and Andrew begin making their way back to their dorm. They walk side by side, their shoulders occasionally brushing and their hands hitting each other with every step before Andrew finally pulls Neil’s hand into his grip. It’s probably dumb, but Neil can’t wipe the smile from his face as he walks hand-in-hand with Andrew down the university’s hallways. 

“You can still go to the police, you know,” Andrew tells him once they are safely inside of Bertha. “You don’t have to stay quiet because the Moryiamas tried to buy you off.” 

“I know,” Neil says, leaning his head against the window like he usually does. “I still might. But I don’t even know if Riko will be alive to be charged with anything.” 

“You really think they’d kill him?” 

Neil shrugs. “They have a lot of money, and Riko has always been expendable. It wouldn’t be out of the realm of possibility.” 

Andrew tightens his hands around the steering wheel.  “They should’ve given me a call. I could’ve dealt with it.” 

That makes Neil roll his eyes. “Alright Mr. Tough Guy, how about we leave this alone for now and come back to it later. I sort of want to enjoy my first few hours of no longer feeling owned by a super-rich family.” 

“I suppose I can allow that.” 

Neil smiles, letting the conversation die between them. He watches the familiar sights of campus roll by as he pounders what he actually wants to do. Part of him wants to make sure that Riko will be no one's problem ever again; the other part of him wants to be done with all of this completely, even though that isn’t realistic - the trauma won’t be gone, and neither will the nightmares and the bone-deep fears still sewn under his skin. 

Still, Neil supposes, he now has time to decide. And he won’t have to be alone while doing it.

As if reading his mind, Andrew clears his throat from the driver’s seat, pulling Neil’s gaze over to him.

“So uh, since winter break is soon… I was still wondering if you wanted to come home - with me. And Aaron, obviously.” Andrew fumbles over his words. Neil, with everything the two of them have done together, doesn’t think he’s ever seen Andrew this nervous. 

“I just… don’t know if you are wanting to stay with Kevin at Wymack’s. But if not, I’d… you could come with me. See that stupid Exites documentary or whatever. Meet my mom properly, you know, like, as my...” Andrew trails off, and waves a hand towards Neil as if that explains everything. 

Neil cocks an eyebrow at that. “As your boyfriend?” he asks, only so he can see the way the blush creeps up Andrew’s neck and down from his ears. 

“Sure, yes, that works. As my boyfriend, partner, whatever.” 

Smiling into his hand, Neil nods. He’s trying not to be too giddy over terms that he has never cared for. But with Andrew, Neil is starting to realize that everything is different.

So he hums his agreement.

“I think I’d really love that.” 

Andrew looks away from the road to glance at Neil, a small spark in his eye. 

“Really?” he asks, as if it’s ever been a question. 

Neil still answers.  “Really.” 

-

Once they arrive back to the dorm and Neil has unlocked their door, he’s hit with an onslaught of emotions.

He’s been thinking about this all day: about being here, being alone with Andrew again, being alone in their dorm. Andrew’s sheets are still a mess for their morning; there are still clothes from the night before sprawled across the floor; there’s still an open lube bottle on the bedside table with a condom wrapper laying next to it. Neil flushes at the sight of it, and then he turns to see Andrew resting against the door. He’s looking at Neil, and fuck, Neil never wants him to look away. 

“Hi,” Neil says, trying to tame the blush spreading across his cheeks with a vengeance. 

“Hi,” Andrew mocks, standing up straight and walking towards Neil. Andrew’s ears are turning red too, just at the tips, which makes a smile tug at Neil’s lips. No matter how aloof Andrew may try to seem, his emotions always find a way to show their true state.

“How are you?” Neil asks, once Andrew has reached him and wrapped warm hands around Neil’s shoulders. 

“Mm, okay, how are you?” Andrew murmurs back, looking up to compensate for the few inches they have between them. 

“Good,” Neil whispers.

“That’s good.”

Neil isn’t used to this feeling in his gut - the one that has been growing, festering, since this morning. His imagination has run wild with the memories of last night. His body hums with Andrew’s past touch. 

Peering down at Andrew’s lidded eyes, he feels his stomach flip - oh, God, he wants Andrew again.

With Riko, it was never like this. His stomach was always heavy with dread or discontent. Neil hated being naked, hated feeling Riko’s eyes rake across his body as they judged each flaw they could find. 

With Andrew, though - with Andrew, it’s so different. 

Neil is the one to close the distance between them, giving Andrew time to push him away if this wasn’t what he wanted. But, Andrew is rushing to meet Neil just as quickly. 

His heart is racing again; he wants, and he wants. He just wants what Andrew wants, because Neil doesn’t think he’s ever seen anything better than Andrew’s flushed body on top of him. 

They end up on the bed again, Neil hauling Andrew down on top of him as he collapses into the pillows. 

“What do you want?” Andrew is asking against his neck, and Neil lets all of his secrets spill out.

“ You , again. Wanna feel you again.” 

Andrew pulls away, face levelling with Neil’s. 

“You’re sore already, Neil,” he accuses. Neil huffs. 

“No, I told you that I was good.” 

“You said it felt like a good type of sore, that’s still sore. There are other ways we can be together, Neil.” 

Neil’s heart squeezes at Andrew’s concern; it’s so different from Riko shoving Neil into the bathroom and telling him to figure it out when it all got to be too much. 

Still, Neil bites his lip and rakes one hand through Andrew’s wavy hair. “I told you to trust me about what I can handle. This is me, answering your question. If it is a no from you because you aren’t comfortable, then we can figure something else out. But I am okay, and I would really like to do what we did last night, if you do too,” Neil promises, tipping forward to plant a kiss on Andrew’s noise just so he can watch the way Andrew scrunches it. 

He lays there, sprawled on the mattress, waiting for Andrew’s choice. His heart pumps with anticipation because he knows he’ll love whatever Andrew does decide, even if it’s just watching movies for the rest of the day. 

Andrew tilts forward. “I want to too, so we’ll try, okay?” He hesitates. “But if you feel any pain, tell me, Neil. Listen to your body.” 

“I will,” Neil promises with a smile. “Now come here and kiss me.” 

And Andrew does. 

Their clothes are thrown to the floor again. Neil laughs, thinking of the mess they’ll have to clean up after. He relishes the way Andrew kisses his bare skin, relishes the way he looks at Neil as he is. The way he touches is so different from how Riko’s cold fingers did. They skim, search, and hunt only so Andrew can know the best places to make Neil gasp - not to find the best ways to hurt him. 

Neil used to prepare himself alone. It was Riko’s request after the first time he had tried to have penetrative sex with Neil. The way Riko sneered, the way his face morphed into disgust at Neil’s body, the way Neil’s body hair made Riko shake his head, the way he pushed with rough hands against parts of Neil that he himself didn’t have time to understand. How Riko had pointed to his washroom and told Neil to figure it out, if he didn’t want it to hurt. 

But now, Neil is here and he feels . He feels the cold press of lube, coupled with the warm kiss of Andrew. He feels goosebumps raise along his skin in anticipation of what is to come as Andrew so carefully guides them on to a path to completion. 

He thought he knew what sex was. He thought he knew the ins and the outs, what he was supposed to do and what would leave his partner satisfied. He told himself that it was alright, that it was good if Riko rolled over and fell asleep right after. 

Neil only now is coming to understand just how wrong he was. 

It’s in the way they both fumble for a condom and meet each other's eyes with shaky smiles. The way Andrew sighs when Neil rubs the lube onto him and then kisses him, even while he smears lube across Andrew’s cheek on accident.

The way Andrew looks up at him when he presses inside. The way Andrew’s lips part, but he still makes sure Neil is melting into the pleasure too, makes sure he’s ready as he waits with hips pressed to hips. The way Neil’s body wants him, takes him, craves him. Andrew moves up to kiss the sounds that leave Neil’s lips, the way pleasure shocks through his hips and runs along every limb. Andrew’s warm hands cup Neil in every way they can. Neil feels powerful, he feels beautiful and he doesn’t want to shy away anymore. He watches Andrew; he watches the way his hips move and his shoulders flex; Neil feels how far he can reach inside him. 

Last night was something indescribable, and a small part of Neil might have feared that he and Andrew could never achieve it again. 

He laughs. How wrong he was. 

Hands intertwine with his own. It’s faster today, but just as good. Andrew touches him and Neil flies. He always wants to be this close to Andrew, if he can. 

The midday sunlight is pouring in through the window and lighting up their bed, their hair, and the smile Neil can’t keep down. Neil giggles, because the pressure in his chest needs to come out somehow.

“What are you laughing at?” Andrew asks, a smile of his own playing over his lips. He cups Neil’s cheek, stopping his movements so he can just look at him. Neil looks right back. 

“I’m happy,” Neil whispers truthfully. He kisses Andrew again. They both muffle the moans from their bodies shifting against the other’s lips. “I’m just really, really happy.”

Andrew kisses him once more before pressing himself forward against Neil and mumbling a soft, “ Good.” Then he’s moving again.

And Neil is. Happy, that is. Because now he understands what it all means. 

After everything: after Riko’s cruel hands, after never knowing a gentle touch, after never understanding what intimacy could really be - Neil finally understands what ‘making love’ really is. 

He isn’t being invaded, broken, or used, he’s loved - being made loved to . 

And he’s doing the same for Andrew. 

He’s pulling Andrew to his chest; he’s kissing Andrew’s neck because he knows it makes Andrew shiver. He’s moving his hips with Andrew, trying to convey his own feelings back. They can do this, they can make love together. They can rewrite their worst nights, their worst memories, with the other - they can give themselves a clutch, a safe place, for when they have bad days, because they will still have bad days. 

But Neil hopes that they can have this then, too. 

When they fall, they fall together. Andrew cups Neil’s face, their foreheads press together, they swallow each other’s sounds, and they crash without fear that their edges will cut into each other. 

It’s a continuation, it’s a promise of more, of healing, of them. 

It’s warm, it’s safe - it’s home .