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“I’m not sure why I deserve any of this,” the king said one early morning, the sun from the open window making Arthur’s blond hair shimmer.
“What do you mean?” Merlin asked, placing his breakfast on the table. Arthur reached out to take a bite of his bread, humming when he found that it was to his liking, taking another bite.
“I’m not sure why I deserved to be king,” he said after he had taken a bite.
“Well, because your father was king? And his father before was king? It only makes sense that you would be next in line.”
“Well, I didn’t say that,” Arthur said, rolling his eyes. “You clearly amaze me with your idiocy, sometimes.”
“So, what then? You feel as though you don’t deserve to be king, is that it?” Merlin sat down at the chair, leaning in closer as if that would help examine the conversation more. “What is it that you want me to say?”
“I’m not sure,” he answered honestly, biting his lip. “I’m not sure what answer I want.”
The level of honesty that Arthur was displaying was almost hard for him to imagine. He questioned for a moment whether he was still sleeping and if this were only a mindless dream. The two might have gotten closer over time, but it was rare Arthur ever wore his heart on his sleeve and whenever he did, it was usually at night, when shadows could conceal his deepest secrets. Now, with the sun nearly blinding his eyes, casting Arthur in a warm glow, it almost felt strange having such a conversation in the morning where anyone could see.
When the silence became too much to bear, Merlin asked, “Why do you feel this way?”
Arthur shrugged, taking a bite from his apple. “You wouldn’t understand.”
“Try me.”
Arthur looked up, studying his face, as if questioning his motives, before sighing. A deep, weary sigh. One that someone made when they were tired, too tired to hold it in anymore. “I think… well, last night…” he took a deep breath, before stating, “I know this might sound crazy, but last night I had a dream about… some woman—I have no idea who she is—telling me that I have this… great destiny that I must achieve, that my life and my actions will forever affect hundreds and thousands of people, that my decisions could make or break… Camelot itself.”
Merlin’s eyes widened, processing the information before him. He knew he would have to talk to Gaius about it later.
When Merlin didn’t react, he continued, his voice shaking as he said, “People’s lives are at my mercy, my hands hold their possible futures, my hands might already be stained red with blood and I would have never known. I knew that this would be a part of becoming king, of knowing that people’s lives would be on my shoulders, the weight of the world pinning me down but… it’s not until I’m sitting on a throne with a crown that’s too heavy to wear, that I realize how tiring this all is. Which is when I ask myself: why was I given this destiny? Just… why? ”
Merlin processed his words carefully, wondering how to respond. He understood Arthur’s struggles–he too had his fair share of dealing with destiny. But, it wasn’t like he could speak those words, let them out for Arthur to see. It was too risky to delve too much into his own experiences, to speak too personally.
So instead, he spoke as vaguely as possible. “Ah, destiny.” He leaned back against his chair, not so sneakily stealing a blueberry. “Destinies are... troublesome things. They can be hard to deal with or understand sometimes. But they were given to you for a reason, Arthur. No one who has a destiny gets it for no reason.”
“But why me?” Arthur said, running his hands through his hair in frustration. “Why did I get this heavy of a burden? Why did they—whoever the hell they are even—task me with this destiny? Why not someone else, someone stronger, someone wiser, someone better than me?”
“Maybe because they believe you can handle it,” Merlin found himself saying. “Maybe because they knew you were the only one who could hold the weight of the world. Maybe they realized you would be the only one to change it, to make it better, that made them decide to pick you.”
Arthur shook his head, as if he couldn’t believe it, couldn’t understand the ideas he was presenting himself with. “Merlin, there are many people who are more important, more capable than I am, more able to handle this than anyone else. What makes you think I could be the best option to be king? To be the one to save everyone?” He looked down, shaking his head once again as if it were a bug in his mind he could just shake out and force to leave.
Merlin sat there for a moment, wondering how to respond. To be fair, he wasn’t quite sure why he was given his own destiny either. He wasn’t sure how he qualified, how they had decided to give him all the power in the world.
He looked outside, at the way that the yellows blended with the light blue of the sky, the way that the sun peaked out over their head and spread warmth towards the town, people coming outside to bask in it, closing their eyes to let their mind relax and ease their worries.
Something jolted his memory and he found himself saying, “You remind me of the sun.”
Arthur raised one eyebrow in confusion. “I… Merlin, you are a strange person, but I believe that is one of the most random statements you’ve ever said out loud.”
Merlin blushed slightly, looking down at the ground, a fond smile on his face. “When I was younger, my mother used to tell me how important the sun was every time I didn’t feel like leaving the house. She would talk about how… standing there, feeling the warmth, the light after a particularly dark night–how motivating and empowering it could be. How important it was.”
“And…?” Arthur asked, still looking at him as if he were speaking gibberish.
“And, how much the sun could rejuvenate spirits." He took a deep breath before looking directly into his eyes and said, “And I think that's what you bring. To people. You bring them hope, you bring them light, you bring them bright yellows in the mix of dark blacks; vibrant yellows in ugly greys. You bring hope to people, you guide them with your light and people follow you because they care about you, because you love them.
“There might be hundreds who could do what you could, but never as good as you. There will never be anyone else like you, Arthur, and that’s because you inspire so much hope, you care for them, and you make people feel safe. You are so much more than a man with a sword, and even if it was, you use your skills to protect people, to save people. And that’s why you have this responsibility because people believe in you and you care and love for them in return.”
Arthur was visibly shocked by the end of his speech, his eyes fully wide, his mouth agape, as he blinked in confusion. Merlin blushed, not meaning to say so much, as he waited with bated breath for Arthur to process his words.
There was a pause.
Then another.
Then one more.
Before he finally smiled, one of his familiar ones, lightly slapping him on the arm. “You know most of the time you make absolutely no sense but… I think, for once, I actually understand.” There was his usual twinkle in his eyes when he looked at him, one that made him feel proud that he was the person that had brought it back.
“Well then, if that will be all, then you’ve got to get ready soon. A council meeting’s been scheduled for today.”
Arthur groaned, flopping back onto the bed. “I think I’d rather not, thanks.”
Merlin merely rolled his eyes, grabbing his clothes and tossing them onto his face. “Come on now, Arthur. Get a move on.” He gestured towards the door, winking at him before saying, “The people are awaiting their king.”
Arthur grumbled to himself but finally got up from the bed, pulling on his clothes. While Merlin was clearing up Arthur’s now empty tray, the king called to him.
Merlin turned to him, raising his eyebrows. “Yes?”
He smiled slightly, one he had rarely seen, one filled with vulnerability and uncertainty, as he said, “Thank you.”
Merlin couldn’t help but grin. “Of course.” Then, quieter, “Always.”
And as Arthur grinned at him, the sun hit him once again, creating almost a halo of warmth around him, and Merlin grinned back, accepting the love he felt and the continued faith in the man that would one day restore faith and love to Camelot.