Chapter Text
They're not in the city, and Donghyun's body can tell.
The whispers and hums from the countryside sink him into a deeper, more rewarding sleep than he ever gets in Seoul, his limbs heavy, settled into a fixed, comfortable position around Seungkwan.
Seungkwan is nestled against him, and the soft, slow exhales against his chest make Donghyun's heart loop in a sleepy, exhilarated circle. A feeling of rightness, evidence that despite what others might say, nature does not abhor this connection: they slept better when they were together. Instinctively.
Seungkwan wakes with a series of sighs and touches, shifting around before finally blinking open his eyes.
"You slept well," Donghyun says, teasing at the lines from the bedding, imprinted on Seungkwan's cheek.
"Hyuuung," Seungkwan whines, hiding his face between Donghyun's shoulder and the pillow.
Donghyun laughs quietly, kissing the bits of Seungkwan that haven't hidden away, pulling him back out. He's not sure what about that made Seungkwan feel insecure, but it's easy enough to warm him up again.
Early morning sex feels right, and natural, too.
They have to be quiet – Seungkwan is loud in bed naturally, and sounds carry in the courtyard. This early hour means there's nothing to compete with the sounds of their love making, either, nothing to muffle any gasps or bed creaking. Donghyun moves careful and slow, and Seungkwan digs his nails into Donghyun's shoulders with more bite than usual, breath hitching, shaking, but quiet.
The struggle to contain their fucking actually gives it a frantic, especially satisfying edge. How badly they want it, badly enough that Seungkwan wraps his legs tighter around Donghyun, pulls him in deeper, needing to scream, and the amount of effort it takes to keep it in.
They both come faster than normal because of this, which is good, because Donghyun's not sure how much longer he could've kept it down.
He huffs out an especially hot exhale, snapping his hips and coming deep inside Seungkwan, and – this is the hottest thing – the hottest thing Donghyun's ever experienced with a partner. Seungkwan gasps, like he always does, like he can't help how good he finds Donghyun's fucking.
Seungkwan comes too, and his sharp, quiet little cry right before he does is the loudest noise he makes this morning.
They're breathless in the aftermath, kissing and petting, then dozing indulgently again until Donghyun wakes up a second time, to the sound of shuffling feet in the courtyard outside.
He shifts upright, pulling back a curtain to peer out the corner of the window.
There's two members awake. Hansol sitting on the porch on his phone, and Joshua. Joshua is stretching, in sneakers and shorts, talking to Hansol too quietly to hear. After a beat, he takes off jogging down the courtyard.
Mm. He'll be hungry when he's done. They need breakfast. Donghyun needs to get equipment for the boiler, too. He got the notice last night that the parts were ready to pick up in a shop down in the village.
It would be smart to get moving now, get all these chores out of the way so he can enjoy the rest of the stay with Seungkwan.
As if Seungkwan can sense these treasonous thoughts, he shifts, looping his arm more securely around Donghyun's waist.
Donghyun doesn't fight for now, combing his fingers through Seungkwan's hair. Playing with the light, smooth strands. Seungkwan's told him that when he bleaches it, his hair becomes frayed and dry like straw, but that's hard to imagine. Even where it touches Donghyun's chest is a silky, cool brush of hair, it's hardly even a mess after sleep, just puffy.
"What do you want for breakfast?" Donghyun asks.
"Something sweet."
"Okay. Do you want coffee?"
Seungkwan inhales sharply.
"Okay," Donghyun laughs. He gets up, but Seungkwan clings weakly, then grabs his hand as he stands beside the bed.
"Hyungie…"
"I know," he says. "I still have to fix the boiler. It's the one thing my grandmother asked."
Seungkwan pouts, but is effectively silenced. He does kiss Donghyun's thumb, though, which is a heavy blow against Donghyun's resolve, almost enough to get him to stay.
"This is the last thing," he says instead, to both of them.
"Hurry," Seungkwan says, bundling the blanket under his chin, frowning up at him. He's trying to be cute, and he is succeeding.
Donghyun promises he will. He gathers his clothes and heads to the shower, washing quickly.
Hansol is still sitting in the courtyard when he finishes.
Donghyun pauses.
Is Hansol working on something, or just messing around on his phone? He doesn't want to interrupt if it's important, but this is kind of the perfect time. He tries to imagine the next chance he'll have Hansol one on one and can't, so he's got to at least try.
"Hansol! Are you free?" Donghyun says "I could use an extra pair of hands."
Hansol looks up sharply – taken off guard, but there's only surprise in his face, and he immediately settles back into the placid, calm expression Donghyun is already used to, as he tucks his phone away.
"Yeah. What's up?"
"I'm heading down to the village, I need to get some parts for the boiler. Some of them are pretty big."
"Oh. Yeah, of course," Hansol says, relieved, like he was expecting something much worse. He's actually right, Donghyun thinks, a little guiltily, as Hansol hurries inside to change out of his pajamas.
There's a truck reserved for the hanok parked in the back, and they both climb in.
It's an old thing, and loud when the engine turns, and rough on the unpaved roads, enough that the two of them bounce in time with the bumps and potholes.
"Rough ride," Donghyun says, once they make it to the smoother street.
"Yeah," Hansol laughs, running his hand through his hair, then shaking his head, though neither do anything to tame it. "Woke me up."
Hansol's looks are just so pointed in the morning, hair uncooperative and he obviously just woke up, but there's no chance Donghyun could look that good, ever. Combined with his interest in Seungkwan, this could be something to be jealous of, but for some reason it's not – as they drive, and Hansol stays quiet beside him, Donghyun realizes why.
He just seems much younger. He's the same age as Seungkwan, but there's something about his energy that feels almost teenage-like. It's hard to view him as - a threat, a rival. As someone who can really keep up with Seungkwan, on that level. Still, though.
"Thanks for making the time to come out here," Donghyun says.
"No, yeah. Thanks for having us," Hansol says.
"Did you sleep well?"
"Yep. You?"
"Amazingly," Donghyun says. Hansol stiffens beside him – Donghyun was thinking of how peaceful the countryside is, so he leaned into the answer, but from the sudden silence from Hansol, he can tell he heard it a different way. A different reason why he would've slept particularly well, last night. "It's nice to get away from the city, I mean."
"Yeah," Hansol says.
They drive almost a mile in silence, which would be fine, if it wasn't excruciatingly obvious that Hansol didn't believe him.
"Are you seeing anyone, Hansol?" Donghyun asks.
"Not right now."
Donghyun nods. "I imagine it's hard. With your job."
"Right."
Silence.
"You and Seungkwan have a long history together."
Hansol clears his throat, shifts in his seat. "Yeah."
"When I told Seungkwan about meeting his members, I mentioned your name," Donghyun says. "Seungkwannie said, he better not have said anything! Because you're the same age. But I think it makes sense to feel protective after that long anyway? Right?"
"I don't – " Hansol stops. Donghyun waits, weathering out the silence that follows, needing Hansol to finish that thought. Reluctantly, Hansol clears his throat and finishes. "At first, I was worried about who Seungkwan was seeing. But we met." He shakes his head.. "You're fine."
Donghyun nods.
If it's not protectiveness, it's something worse. But the solution is obvious and easy. Just two words, even, back off.
But that could damage the dynamics of Seungkwan's group, and Donghyun knows he would never be forgiven.
He takes a deep breath. He needs to approach this as patiently, as gently, as he can.
He tries to imagine that Hansol is his younger brother. A child. The teenager he sounds like, with his short answers, the way he's avoiding Donghyun's gaze, staring down at his hands, or straight out the window.
"I can be a jealous man," Donghyun says.
Hansol goes stiff, again.
"When I really like someone, I mean. Sometimes it's hard to remember not everyone sees them in the same way I do," he says. "Sometimes I have to remind myself that there's no reason to be jealous. Because usually they don't want to do anything. They're just admiring it."
After a beat, Hansol nods.
"I don't have any reason to start thinking like that about Seungkwan, right?"
Hansol keeps staring out the front window. "Did Seungkwan say something?"
"No," Donghyun says. "What would Seungkwan say?"
"Just – " Hansol sighs. "No. I'm not with Seungkwan."
The but is so blaring and obvious that Donghyun actually grips the steering wheel tighter.
"Have you ever been with him?"
"No. It was kid stuff. Crushes. It was never," Hansol pauses here, awkwardly. "Anything."
Aaah. Everything clicks into place, that's the strange energy he was sensing, and it fits. Not a messy ex, but a messy what could have been. Donghyun had something similar, but it was in college. College ended, and Donghyun moved away and he never saw that man again. To be stuck around that person, that lost chance, for years. For the foreseeable future...
When do you ever let it go, admit it's never going to happen, really cut it off? Because it's always just – right there.
This can't be fixed, Donghyun realizes.
Hansol's not going anywhere, Seungkwan's not going anywhere, and Donghyun's not going anywhere.
No wonder Seungkwan's so willfully blind to it. What other choice is there?
They're approaching the city now, free of the long, empty, country roads. Donghyun slows to a stop at the first lights they've seen in some time.
It was never anything.
"Then it's nothing now."
"Yep."
Donghyun nods, mentally settling into his post, directly between Hansol and Seungkwan, for the foreseeable future.
x
The thumps are quiet, and so rhythmic that the first thing Hansol's half awake mind pictures is a car with one bad tire, driving down the street. Thud, thud, thud.
It's not until it picks up speed that he opens his eyes. Thud-thud-thudthudthud
Hansol stares first at the ceiling, then at Joshua – that's who he's sharing the room with, and he's awake, too. He glances at the wall, toward the direction of the thuds are coming from. It is a quiet noise, but now that he's awake, unmistakable.
They're fucking.
For Hansol, this is not amusing at all, though Joshua seems to find it funny. He's eager to escape, too though – he's already dressed for a jog, and both of them head out of the room, on to the porch.
"He should be able to have fun," Joshua shakes his foot, adjusting the shoe. "He's earned it."
Hansol has had this placating, vaguely accusatory conversation so many times over the past month that he almost lashes out. Instead he forces it down and agrees in a light, easy tone. "Yeah, man. Of course."
Joshua jogs away.
Hansol sits on the porch.
It's just him out there. Him, and Seungkwan and Donghyun, on the other side of that wall, fucking.
He can't hear it now so he doesn't know if it's still going on or not. He doesn't want to think about it. He didn't even want to think about kissing.
The first time he thought about Seungkwan like that, he felt guilty. It felt wrong, weird, and invasive. It wasn't really a conscious decision back then either, back when the shape of Seungkwan's body started to catch his attention. Peeks at his collarbone and the small of his back started to feel – exhilarating. Things that meant nothing suddenly had profound significance, needed his full attention: sweat sliding down Seungkwan's jawline, the way his hair tousled when he pushed it back. Lips going dark red from nervous biting.
Hips circling in a way their trainers told Seungkwan in no uncertain terms to stop, right now, and never do again, because it wasn't appropriate.
All these things needed serious, intense consideration, and he ruminated on them deeply before bed. But even if he distracted himself, he couldn't stop his dreams. He just knew so much about the way Seungkwan felt, they'd wrestled and grabbed each other enough, he knew what Seungkwan's wrists felt like against his palms, when they were chest to chest on the floor. It was so easy for his mind to fill in the gap, to explore –
But he was in conflict about this, was it bad? Was it disrespectful? To have thoughts like this about his friend?
When he talked to his dad about it, in as vague terms as he could, his father told him that what mattered most is what Hansol could control: how he behaved.
Hansol never treated Seungkwan differently, and that was the important thing. Feelings and interest waxed and waned, sometimes he went months thinking of other ideas, other images, other people, but it was always a particularly comfortable feeling, returning to particular thoughts of Seungkwan's movements, noises, attention.
These feelings have been carefully sorted and compartmentalized. They are for specific times, only, private, and never to be acted on.
They do not exist in daylight.
Hansol spent years making sure of that.
He resents being forced to hear it. It's not fair.
The last person willing to give any sympathy here is Donghyun, though, and that's who he's sat beside, stuck. Donghyun must have planned this, to get Hansol alone (trapped), to talk it out. Real anger does heat in Hansol's chest, resentful. What a smug, condescending – but Hansol forces himself to stop there.
He inhales, and releases it.
"Seungkwan likes that we get along," Hansol says.
They're in the parking lot of whatever shop Donghyun's getting his parts. Donghyun's taking the keys out of the ignition. He pauses with his hand on the wheel, and then nods.
"Yeah."
The errand itself wasn't a made up excuse at least – and like Donghyun said, the parts he ordered aren't heavy, but they are large and awkward, and need three to carry to the truck.
Hansol is the youngest, so he's naturally the one who climbs up onto the bed and straps it all down. The angle is awkward and the straps themselves are stiff with age, enough that they leave red marks on his palms as he struggles to secure them.
He gets it done, though, and after that, they pick up breakfast.
Hansol's had to make nice with people far worse than Donghyun before. He can do it again.
He can do it as long as Seungkwan needs him to.
x
Even if Jihoon wanted to take a break, he couldn't. So he doesn't feel bad.
He has a perfect excuse, he has the schedule right here in front of him, and listed on it is every answer, how there is no time for Jihoon to leave for a weekend. If Seungkwan had asked.
Jihoon was ready, but Seungkwan just accepted it. Jihoon said no, I'm too busy, and that was that.
This leaves Jihoon restless with the unresolved energy of a fight. It wasn't a fight, and that meeting with all the members wasn't a fight either. But unresolved feelings from that are building up in Jihoon, too
The night before Seungkwan left on his trip, Jihoon almost sent him a message defending himself, but his pride wouldn't let him, in the end.
The words still feel like weapons, and he'll wait until he's accused of - not caring, or being mean, or whatever - then he'll defend himself with them. He couldn't make time for it, and Seungkwan should understand that.
And it's not like this is normal, anyway. They've never done this for any of the members' friends or even siblings, or significant others.
If it was normal, Seungkwan would bring this - this friend along during dinner, or something.
"Mm. If it was normal," Bumzu says. He is agreeing with Jihoon, but it actually undermines everything.
It's not normal, is it, Jihoon-ah?
"I couldn't make it anyway, though," Jihoon mumbles, slouched low on the couch.
Currently, Bumzu and Jihoon are in the lounge of his studio, playing Mario Kart. It's a break, but it is a break that has gone on for some time – in truth, Seungkwan picked this week well. It's after the first round of submissions were sent in for notes from the company. They're still on schedule, but unplugging now allows everyone involved some luxurious breathing time. It's always possible they'll get notes, some so drastic that they need attention immediately, but they probably will not.
What he should be working on now is the stuff they already got approval on. Reviewing the suggested samples from the company. They need two more pieces that are still completely empty space, Jihoon could – should start working on that.
These are excuses that he would use, and ones Seungkwan would accept, ones Jihoon can tell himself, but Bumzu knows his schedule too well for it not to be an obvious, awkward lie.
"Why not?" Bumzu asks.
"There's other stuff I wanted to work on."
"Oh. I could leave?"
"Acch. No."
Bumzu nods. They keep playing, but Jihoon has been called out and they both know it. When the food arrives it breaks the tension, which is good, but as they start eating, it's bad, because now they're face to face, giving Bumzu as many chances as he likes to attack.
"When are they coming back?"
"Just Monday."
"Ah." Bumzu nods. "Sounds like a fun trip. It's sorry you're too busy." Bumzu isn't gentle with Jihoon in moments like this, he's honest, and this is drenched in sarcasm, so Jihoon replies to what Bumzu actually meant.
"I wouldn't be good company there anyway."
Bumzu's eyebrows go up, just a bit. "Still working through how you feel about it?"
Jihoon grunts a vaguely affirmative noise.
That's not Hansol.
That was Jihoon's first irrational thought when he saw Seungkwan kiss a man, and it's because the last time he thought about any of this, he was younger. Very young.
Jihoon never really thought about Seungkwan being gay, but he could tell that he liked Hansol. Or something, romantic or infatuation or whatever. Interest. More than just for fans, something real. A desperate stare, lingering just too long, clinging too long, touching too long.
It had irritated Jihoon.
It was irritating that Seungkwan could be so openly affectionate with Hansol, that everyone could tell, that he wasn't even embarrassed to show it – but Jihoon has grown up enough to be able to tell this is a sort of self-hate, so intense that it ends up reflecting on anyone else that dares to not be ashamed of the same things.
Jihoon never allowed himself to be so open back then, he was strict with himself, in every respect. Even being around someone like Seungkwan, who could just say how much he loved out loud, who didn't have to hide his feelings in lyrics, launder them through someone else's voice, soften them with distance… Seungkwan just said it. From his own mouth. It made Jihoon's own insecurities flare up.
Eventually he just had to make peace with it, he accepted that it was just Seungkwan's way, Seungkwan just loves Hansol, and that's not even bad. No one would be mad to see Seungkwan kissing Hansol's cheek, but Jihoon was not warned that Seungkwan would ever be kissing a strange man.
But those are the thoughts of a baby.
Maybe with Hansol, it felt like something contained, part of their group. Safe. A stranger makes Jihoon confront the reality of Seungkwan as a person, a whole person, with parts that have nothing to do with Jihoon, nothing to do with Seventeen at all. Maybe it's not that bad, maybe it's just – a lot to be confronted with at once.
Maybe it is bad, though. Maybe the guy isn't as good as Hansol.
"It can't be too bad," Bumzu says. "Seungkwannie is so happy these days."
"Yeah," Jihoon says. "I noticed."
He's happy in a way he hasn't been since he loved Hansol. Playful and lighthearted, laughing at jokes at his own expense, ones that might normally have had him pouting and sullen before.
Is that all Jihoon needs to know?
Bumzu must have felt like he said his piece because it ends there. They play another round, they listen to some files from Bumzu's portfolio, they watch the finale of a western reality show Bumzu has been into recently, they drink, and then Jihoon walks home.
It's almost ten by then, and he wonders what they're doing, down in Taeunbi. They must be drunk. With so many members, with how loud they certainly are, Jihoon's presence likely is not missed, but he knows his absence will still be a shadow on the back of Seungkwan's mind.
The antagonism he held about his schedule earlier feels petty and immature, in the dark of his bedroom.
Going might have been the better thing. Even if it turned into a fight. At least he would've been able to say he was there.
He falls asleep with some regret, and wakes with clear determination.
There's only one day left, but he takes the first train down, scheduling a ride out to Park Donghyun's hot springs and hanok. He grimaces at the price but refuses to look twice or question it, sending the money.
The drive out is long and quiet, and for a moment Jihoon thinks he might have provided the wrong address, and it's the driver that ends up reassuring him.
"Nah, I know the place," they say. They talk about the renters they've dropped off the cabins before, how it's very nice, and Jihoon will probably enjoy it.
"Good, good," Jihoon mumbles, nodding. This is a good sign: Seungkwan's boyfriend's family has a good reputation. He's successful. This is the sort of concern a parent would have, but Jihoon can't help it.
There's a sudden, steep incline, and once they clear it, Jihoon sees – Hansol, standing in the back of a truck. Jihoon steps out of the car, staring, but Hansol and – a man, certainly Donghyun – are so busy with their task, they haven't noticed Jihoon's arrival.
"Yeah, I don't want to risk dropping it," the man is saying.
"Alright. I'll go get someone to help," Hansol says, jumping down.
"Maybe after breakfast – oh," Donghyun says, doing a double take when he sees Jihoon. "Hello. Are you here for someone?"
"Hyung!" Hansol says, coming around the truck.
"Hello," Jihoon says, nodding toward Hansol, accepting his hand in greeting. "I was invited, but I couldn't make it last night. I'm Lee Jihoon."
"Ah! Jihoon-ssi!" Donghyun says, through a surprised burst of laughter. "Seungkwannie will be happy that you're here – I'm Park Donghyun. Ah, hello." He bows and Jihoon reflexively echoes it back, making it the fourth hello between them.
"Want to help with this? We need three," Hansol says, pointing to the massive metal piping strapped to the back of the truck.
Of course Jihoon would.
He hops up alongside Hansol to help with the straps. From here, Donghyun's impressive height is obvious, as Jihoon barely clears him by a head, even on the back of a truck. The height is probably the most remarkable thing about his appearance, Jihoon thinks. He's good looking enough, but there's good humor in his face, patience, even through the frustrating task of hauling the pieces from the truck.
Jihoon is the one who hurries ahead to open the gates while Hansol and Donghyun stay perfectly still, afraid of dropping the parts, then returns to help balance it as they walk slowly through a massive courtyard.
It's going well, and Jihoon is happy that he came, just from this, when they get it to the destination, a maintenance shed in the back.
They return to the front for the bags of breakfast. While Hansol and Donghyun take it to the kitchen, Donghyun pulls out one cup from the carrier tray, holding it out to Jihoon.
"Jihoon-ssi, could you pass this to Seungkwan?"
"Oh. Actually this one," Hansol says. "It's the one with honey."
"This is garlic tea. It has honey in it, too," Donghyun says.
Up until this point it's fine. But maybe there was an unspoken conversation that Jihoon wasn't keeping up with, because the next two sentences are suddenly sharp, impatient, like a dam breaking –
"Seungkwan doesn't like garlic tea," Hansol says.
"He never had a problem with it before," Donghyun says. "It helps his throat."
Jihoon looks between the two of them. They're both incredibly contained men, Jihoon realizes. They're both angry, but you'd have to look close to even be able to tell – possibly Donghyun is missing it, the way Hansol is clenching his jaw, the slight turn of his head, especially after that.
There's a standoff, silent and tense, when Hansol looks away first.
"Alright," Hansol says, and puts his coffee back in the tray.
It's awkward enough that Jihoon doesn't even want to ask where Seungkwan is. He just takes the tea and goes.
x
"February?"
"No."
"Yes, it was when you said you were visiting your sister, but then your sister updated from Kimnyeong Park," Mingyu says.
"Aaah," Seungkwan says, eyes narrowing as he remembers.
"Yeah, and you came back late," Mingyu says. Plus, tipsy. Seungkwan had started drinking a lot more than usual in the early part of the year, when he was normally a careful, light drinker. Mingyu doesn't include this as evidence for how he figured out Seungkwan was seeing someone, though. Right now, Seungkwan just wants happy things. So that's what Mingyu wants to give him.
They're laying on the bed Mingyu shared with Wonwoo last night, Seungkwan came in and flopped down on it after Wonwoo left to wash up. It's going to be another hot day, but it's early enough that the room is cool with the windows open, a pleasant breeze traveling through the room.
"You like him?" Seungkwan asks.
"Yes," Mingyu says. This is the third time Seungkwan has asked.
Seungkwan nods, and hides his face in the pillow. "I'm happy," his muffled voice says.
It's cute. Mingyu smiles, shifting over just enough for a selca: his face, a peace sign, the bump of the pillow, and Seungkwan's feet, crossed at the ankle in the background.
He does want Seungkwan to be happy, and doesn't want to taint it, but if Mingyu was being honest…
By now the rest of the members have learned to guard their hearts. Even if everything is perfect, even if it's love, even if the girl they're seeing is patient and kind and promises the world, and means it, sometimes it just doesn't work.
That's the case even with normal relationships. It's harder with their job. Their life.
It's a lesson the rest of them all know. It's a lesson Seungkwan probably knows too, with his mind, but not his heart, because he's obviously not considering this, whatsoever.
It's like seeing a high school couple who believes they'll be married. And maybe for Seungkwan it's exactly that. Has he ever dated? Mingyu doesn't even want to ask. If this is his first love… it's just a hard lesson.
But maybe Seunkgwan chose carefully. Donghyun does not seem like the type to take this lightly, at least.
"Are you thinking of – "
"Hyung!"
Seungkwan suddenly stands straight up in bed.
He's looking over Mingyu's shoulder, at the open window. Mingyu looks, and only sees a flash of dark hair – but short. Jihoon?
Seungkwan scrambles off the bed, throwing open the door. There is Jihoon, turning around in surprise. He's got a cup in his hand, which he holds out to Seungkwan, with both hands.
In a daze, Seungkwan takes it with both, actually half bowing as he does.
"It's from Donghyun," Jihoon says.
"Thank you," Seungkwan is saying, sounding near tears. Impossible, Mingyu laughs in disbelief, sitting upright, watching as Seungkwan, who can't seem to help himself, gives Jihoon a hug. It's a loose one, and Jihoon weathers it with his arms down by his sides, but Mingyu can see his eyes, over Seungkwan's shoulder. He's obviously happy to get it.
Impossible that Jihoon is here, that Seungkwan actually got this, too. Did Seungkwan somehow get his hands on a genie? Or maybe the universe itself is just angling itself in just the right way, for all the blessings it has to tumble onto Seungkwan. If so, it's about time.