Chapter Text
When she got home, Jiang Yanli was still out of it.
She was feeling like there was cotton inside of her head, like nothing was real anymore. She got in the shower, and didn’t get out until the water turned stone cold. Only then, she could shake the feeling.
A few days after that, she had her bi-weelky appointment with her therapist. She had decided to go see one a few months ago, when she decided that three panic attacks a day, everytime she needed to eat something was a bit too much, and she (with the help of her incredible roommate) had decided she had to do something about it.
Jin ZiXuan had made a few calls, and soon enough, she had an appointment. Her therapist was a young woman with a pretty smile, and sometimes, she had trouble concentrating when talking with her. She had to focus on the pretty scented candle on the end table next to her.
Fortunately for her, the office was pretty enough, and she could also focus on the lovely frameworks on the walls.
During that particular session, she had talked about a lot of things, when suddenly, her therapist had stopped her.
“Why don’t you tell me how your dinner with your mother went?”
“Uh?” She answered, confused, as she was clearly talking about her new highlighting system with her notes and her binders.
“You’ve been avoiding the topic ever since you came here, and even though I’m truly impressed by your dedication towards your notes, I know that it doesn’t bother you as much.”
Jiang YanLi mumbled something about not paying to be bullied, but she answered anyway.
“It went well. Not as bad as I had expected.”
The therapist nodded and stayed silent. Yanli hated when she did that, because she hated long silences and she felt like she had to add something, she felt like she had to speak.
But she didn’t want to. She didn’t want to talk again about how she had wanted to vomit as soon as she saw the food in front of her on the table, about how she felt her stomach twist when she met her dissatisfied mother’s look.
How she had put on the outfit where she looked the least fat, even though it was the most uncomfortable one.
She sighed and continued anyway.
“You know. The usual. Intrusive thoughts, nausea, dysmorphia, uneasiness, nothing really new.”
The therapist nodded and took some notes, and gosh how she hated when she just did that.
“But I ate as much as I could, and I didn't go to the bathroom afterwards so I guess it’s a good thing! Right?”
“Mmh. I suppose so. Do you feel like it’s a win?”
Jiang Yanli stayed silent. She couldn’t look at her therapist in the eyes. She didn’t know why things weren’t as good as she wished them to be. She was doing everything she could : She diligently did the daily affirmations and exercises that her therapist gave her, she meditated, she took care of herself. So why didn’t it feel like a win at all ?
“What’s wrong ?” Her therapist’s voice shook her out of her train of thought and Jiang Yanli sighed.
“What’s wrong is that I am doing everything I can. Everything by the book. I come here every two weeks, I do all the homework you give me, I eat well, I study, I play with my siblings, they are nice, I have a nice roommate. Everything is good right now. But I can’t…” She paused to breathe.
“I can’t enjoy it. It all seems fake and like it’s going to disappear and that everything and everyone I love is about to go away. All the time. And I’m tired.”
***
When she got home, she was exhausted, and her eyes were red from crying. Her phone rang as she took her shoes off.
“Shijie ! You won’t believe how my date went!” Her sibling's voice shouted from the device when she answered.
“Your date? I didn’t know you had a date sweetie ?” She threw herself in the couch, waving at Jin ZiXuan to say hello.
“Didn’t I tell you ? I must have forgotten, sorry!” She could practically hear them smile. “I must tell you the whole story then! But I’d rather do it in person, are you available today?”
“Well, we planned a rehearsal at 7 tonight, and I had planned to study a little before tomorrow, but I guess we could go to that new coffee shop nearby?”
“Shijie you’re the best. I’ll see you there in a bit then!”
“I’ll see you there love.”
She hang up, and tried to escape her roommate’s all knowing eyes. He came to sit next to her, and put his hand on her shoulder.
“You know you’re allowed to say no, even to Wei Ying right?” He said, and Jiang Yanli sighed.
“I know, but they want to talk, and I want to see them!”
“Yes, but you’re just out of your therapy session, and you’re exhausted. They would have understood, I'm sure. Besides, you’d have seen them tonight anyways.”
“Sush now, I have to go wash my face before going” She winked at her roommate and got up.
Half an hour later, she entered the shop, spotting Wei Ying who was waving at her. They wore their hair up, and were wearing baggy black clothes. She sat beside them after a warm greeting.
“You look well A-Xian. I’m sorry I took so much time, have you ordered already?”
They shook their head.
“Don’t apologize. I ordered you a matcha. Is that alright?” She nodded.
“Perfect, you know me well. So, what is it that you wanted to tell me?”
Wei Ying wriggled happily in their seat and began their little story.
“So. You remember the other night, the duo who played before us at the club?”
Oh boy did she remember, the pretty violinist and the other guy. That thought reminded her that this particularly pretty girl worked at this very caffe, and it made her stomach twist. Her sibling added.
“The ones with the zither and the xiao, well they are brothers.”
So, not the same duo she had pictured. Jiang Yanli forced her mind to focus on that memory.
“Well, I went backstage, and I managed to talk to the very pretty one. He didn’t say much. Well, he said nothing at all actually, his brother introduced them. It was a bit weird and all, but I gave him my number. He was so cold I thought it was a lost cause BUT he texted me the day after and well. We went on a date last night. He took me to this very fancy veggie restaurant and well, it was very nice. I’m trying to stay calm about it, because he looks very cold and he doesn’t talk much, so it’s hard to tell what he thinks. But he’s nice, and he texted me that he would like to see me again. It’s a good sign right Shijie?”
Jiang Yanli noticed their cheeks growing pink and she smiled. She knew they had a tendency to get their hopes up easily, but it was part of her sibling’s charm after all.
“Yes A-xian, I guess it’s a good sign! What’s the guy’s name ?”
“Lan Zhan.” They said that name like it was a precious gem, and Jiang Yanli’s smile brightened again.
Their order arrived, and it was Yanli’s turn to get her cheeks pink. The cute violinist, who also happened to be a barista here was, of course, the one to take care of them.
“One iced americano and a matcha latte, right?” she asked.
“Yes, thank you!” Wei Ying answered, and she left.
She was pretty beyond reason. Her eyes were sharp and dark, and her face could put to rest any representation of a goddess. Today, she wore a simple outfit, black jeans with a dark shirt. But simple wasn't a word to fit her. Nothing about her looked simple. To think this was the same woman she saw play the violin was really something. When Jiang Yanli snapped out of it, she noticed her sibling looking at her with a sly smile.
“So, it looks like someone else has a little crush here right?” they laughed.
“Oh sush you.” Yanli shook her head and added. “Tell me more about that mysterious Lan Zhan will you?”