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He's started smoking again, which you knew he would. He knew it too, because a few months ago he asked if he could start keeping cigarettes in your bedroom. He said he'd need them for emergencies, and you both knew that Monica would kill him if she found that he'd hidden any in their place. Although for the last couple of days he's been getting through a packet a day and smelling like it, yet Monica hasn't said anything. For Monica not to be getting mad about something, she's got to be pretty damn down. She's wanted to be a Mom since forever, and you assumed it would happen for her like it did for Rachel, and for your Mom and your sisters. Even Carol got pregnant, and she's a lesbian for crying out loud! That must be hard for Mon to know. Rach said it'll be hard for her to be around Emma too, so Emma's with Rachel's mom for a few days. You miss that cute little pipsqueak, though you have to admit that it's nice to be able to sleep for more than three hours at a time.
This morning Chandler came over for his cigarettes, and you ended up playing foosball together. You studied his face to work out if he'd been crying (he cried a little on the night they got the phone call from Dr Connelly. You were all round at their place, the girls had gone out to the balcony and Ross was in the bathroom. You and Chandler were sitting in silence, and then his face crumpled and he mumbled that he was so sad that Monica was so sad, and there wasn't anything he could do to fix it. He sniffled and scrubbed his eyes with his fists and cursed his useless lazy sperm). He didn't look like he had been, which was a relief because you're good at handling the girls crying and part of you likes looking after them, but you hate the thought of Chandler being upset. You care about him so much, and you want things to work out for him and for him to be happy no matter what. You don't know what to do when he's upset about this sort of thing. You knew how to handle Chandler having girl trouble (before Monica he had a lot of girl trouble), or work problems, or a few months ago when he quit his job. But this is bigger than any of that, and more adult too. Chandler and Monica not being able to have kids is as big as Rachel and Ross having a kid. You're used to Ross having Serious Adult Problems, because Ross has always been older and more of a grown-up than the rest of you. Chandler hasn't. For a long time, Chandler was your other half. You figured things out together, or actually most of the time you didn't figure things out so you muddled your way through together. You were different, but you were also almost the same person. Then he fell in love with Monica and he moved out and got married, which seemed huge and adult and un-Chandlerish. Except it was fun, and everybody can see how happy she makes him, and Chandler was always fretting about ending up alone so you're relieved that he's quit kvetching about that. Plus, it's Monica. Your two best friends falling in love- what could be cooler than that?! It was nuts but it was awesome. And although some things have changed and you're not JoeyandChandler like you used to be, he's only moved across the hall and you still see each other all the time.
But this baby stuff is an Adult Thing happening to Chandler which isn't cool or exciting. It's upsetting, bewildering and complicated, and he's completely miserable. You let him win at foosball this morning, which made him smile a little, and then he pulled on his suit jacket and sighed that it was time he got to work.
"I'll see you tonight," you promised.
"Yeah," he mumbled.
"You gonna be okay?"
He shrugged. Normal people shrug with their shoulders, but Chandler shrugs with his whole body. You wondered if you should say something like I'm here for you, dude, but he was halfway out of the door before you could get the words out, so you clapped him on the back and hoped he understood. When he left, you felt blue for a few moments, and then you started thinking about Rachel. And then you felt guilty, not because you've officially got a girlfriend but because you shouldn't be thinking about that when you've got all this Chandler and Monica headache. But those feelings for Rach, the ones you so carefully let go of last year, have slunk back in lately. Is that normal? Does it mean you're falling in love with her again? You wanted to ask Chandler, but you can't now. Ross is off-limits obviously, and Phoebe's tied up with her new boyfriend because even she's growing up. You thought it'd be you and Pheebs as the last two left being happily single. If it wasn't for Rach you would be happily single, or at least happily casually dating Charlie. You're not desperate to commit to one woman and settle down- your friends are a good advert for how difficult that is, and how complicated the marriage-and-babies thing can be. You like your life how it is, and just because the rest of them are changing, it doesn't mean you have to. Except these stupid dumb feelings for Rachel have screwed things up. You had a good thing going with her and Emma, but now all this emotional stuff is getting in the way, and it's taking up too much of the space in your head that's supposed to be focussing on Chandler.
Once Chandler left for work, Rachel breezed back in from across the hall (she'd gone across to check on Monica. You're tag-teaming), chattering as usual, frowning as she searched for her jacket, and looking absolutely perfect. You tried to concentrate on remembering the way Charlie's top lip curved, and on how much better normal mayo tastes than light, but that didn't make Rachel seem any less wonderful. She swung out of your apartment a couple of minutes later with a, "Goodbye, sweetie," and a yelped explanation that she'd be meeting her Mom and Emma after work so would be home a little late, but Ross would be round to check on Monica.
"Sure," you murmured.
Rachel smiled, though it was a slightly mournful smile. You mirrored it back at her, and then she closed the door behind her. Chandler had left and Rachel had left, and you were alone in your kitchen, worrying about one while thoughts of the other jostled for attention. Perhaps you have grown up, after all, and this is what it feels like. You really need to have a word with God about that deal you had with Him not to get any older.