Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

You sat on the floor of your room, your shoulder blades aching as you leaned back against the cool metal frame your bed, one leg stretched out in front of you and the other bent at the knee, the sole of your foot pressed into the freezing linoleum as your forearm rested limply on the raised limb. You stared ahead, expression blank and eyes glazed over as you failed to focus on anything in particular, your jaw clenching and unclenching absentmindedly, though somewhat rhythmically. Your eyes burned as they grew dryer but you couldn’t bring yourself to acknowledge it. You hadn’t blinked in some time now and you were certain that if you remained unbothered you could have gone the rest of your life without performing the action. You didn’t know how long you’ve been sitting here; time was ticking by slowly as you remained almost impossibly still. It could’ve been a few days or a few weeks and you wouldn’t have been able to tell the difference, the motivation to get up or even shift around to allow your blood to flow dwindling as easily as water down a drain.

An apt comparison, you thought.

You clenched your jaw again, harder this time. Your teeth pressed together harshly, the force almost causing them to crack as you tilted your head down towards the floor. However, you continued looking forward through your eyelashes as your gaze finally focused for the first time in what felt like hours, fixating onto the bathroom door of all things. You finally blinked then, eyelids shutting slowly as your eyes burned again, this time from another night of limited sleep. You couldn’t have gotten more than an hour of slumber before waking up and spending the next few hours berating yourself for your inability to remain at rest.

You understand that there are ways to ensure that you get indefinite rest…

You pushed that intrusive thought away as quickly as it occurred, your pupils flickering all over the door as you tried to take in every little detail, from the slightly rusting silver hinges to the dingy black knob as you began to chew hard on your tongue, your molars digging into the muscle as if it were trying to tear through a piece of meat, your head beginning to throb as your thoughts raced.

You’re still afraid, aren’t you?

Your eyes flickered from the door and towards the half filled bucket that sat just beyond your feet in the middle of the room, the once steaming water having long since cooled, the bubbles having popped long ago while a used wash rag floated atop the surface, the fabric still, heavy and confined much like your current predicament. At least the rag wasn’t submerged like you, at least it wasn’t drowning…unlike you. You shook your head slightly, the throb in your temples only worsening at the action as embarrassment and shame filled your chest.

You rose your head once more, glancing away from the bucket and back towards the bathroom door. When you woke up several hours ago you were itching, your skin inflamed as if you had been bitten by thousands of mosquitoes though there wasn’t a single mark on your body. But everywhere you scratched, lines appeared on your body only to disappear after a few minutes. Your mouth hadn’t fared any better, the plaque on your teeth continuing to build and your own tongue tasting absolutely vile that you hardly dared to speak as you went days without tending to them. It had been going on day seven? Eight—over a week of missed showers and neglected teeth—and the lack of hygiene was getting to you like an unwanted plague. You could smell yourself every time you moved even the slightest inch, every time you whispered even the smallest of words and the stench was absolutely putrid. It reminded you of something your mother told you as a child: if you could notice your own fumes that meant others could too. At least, the few people you did manage to see when you left your cave of a room and wearing thick, bulky clothing could only do so much for so long.

The thought of your mother lead you to think of your father, your nose crinkling in disgust as the man you haven’t thought about in months infiltrated your mind. Despite not having spoken to him in years you could still hear his voice, still smell the alcohol and cigarettes on his breath as you felt the spittle land on your cheek from his constant yelling.

What would he say if he saw you now?

You felt your eyes narrow. Why did you care? It wasn’t like he would acknowledge you and if he did he wouldn’t have anything nice to say. Why would he? Never in your life had you gone so long without taking care of yourself and despite your lack of motivation, the itchiness had finally grew unbearable. It was getting to the point that you were practically clawing at your skin, ready to tear off your own flesh and skin yourself alive. You knew you needed to do something about it even if your mind screamed at you that it truly didn’t matter. But you had to, if only to avoid more embarrassment, more shame. You didn’t want to be uncomfortable in your own skin, you couldn’t stand the way it prickled and itched, your armpits sticky as you woke up night after night in a cold sweat from the little sleep you did manage to get, nightmares of what happened to you beginning to infest your thoughts in both your slumber and wakening hours.

So early this morning, very early to where the sun hadn’t even began rising yet, you crept down the hallways, careful to avoid any lingering maids as you made it to one of the many storage closets scattered around the castle and grabbed a miscellaneous bucket, dragging it down to the empty kitchen to fill it with hot water. It took a long time to fill it, too long by any normal standards. You had barely turned the faucet on and the water ran languidly, a steady stream coming out and hardly making a sound as it took nearly ten minutes to fill. You had done that on purpose, of course, you knew what would happen if you let the water run at full force, if you heard the sounds of the liquid rushing….you poured dish soap into the bucket when it reached halfway, knowing that all of your actual body wash was in your bathroom and you didn’t dare wish to step foot in there. You figured it was better to have some soap than none at all. After the bucket was full you carried it back to your room easily, the weight barely registering as you grabbed a wash rag from your dresser, removed your clothes and kicking them to the side as you proceeded to wash up slowly. It took a long time, again much too long, the hot water practically burning your skin as you haphazardly cleaned yourself for the first time in days, soapy water splashing onto the floor though you couldn’t bring yourself to care about that.

The look of the rag disgusted you when you were done, dirt, grime and debris embedded into the cloth as you dropped it back into the bucket with a soft splash. You dried off, moving to your dresser and throwing on a random shirt and pants, neglecting to put on underwear or even lotion yourself to keep your skin from drying. You didn’t care to do all of that, it took almost all of your energy just to clean your body and despite the wash, you still didn’t feel clean or refreshed; your mouth still bugged you, the plaque rough against your tongue as you ran the muscle over each tooth over and over again, counting each and every time you did it in your head as your gums pulsated in time with the throbbing in your head. Your skin still itched, though not nearly as much as it had been.

You blinked again, offering moisture back into your incredibly dry eyes and pulling yourself out of your memory as you ran a hand over your hair, yet another part of you that you had been neglecting to take care of. It practically resembled tumbleweed at this point: dried, tangled and begging for hydration. If you turned your head a little bit to the right you could see your products sitting there on your desk just waiting to be used but…you didn’t have the motivation to begin your regular routine, didn’t have the motivation to do anything and the realization made you feel guilty but even that wasn’t enough to pull you out of this funk.

The sound of your door opening suddenly grabbed your attention and you jump in surprise, your back popping loudly as Alicia rushed in and shut the door behind her in her haste with a hard click, the sound sending a devastating jolt throughout your body before settling uncomfortably in the pit of your stomach. Leaning back against the door, Alicia’s gaze landed on you instantly, her eyebrows furrowing as she noticed you sitting on the floor and all you could do was look at her, your fright quickly melting into annoyance as easily as butter in a pan, the feeling spreading across your chest rapidly at the fact that your self induced isolation had been rudely interrupted.

“Hey, Imma use your bathroom real quick.” Alicia stated quickly, pushing herself off the door and shuffling towards the aforementioned restroom, her legs pressed together as if she could spill over at any given moment.

“What’s wrong with yours?” You questioned, your throat dry and voice gravely like you’ve spent the past few hours swallowing rocks.

“Nothing.” Alicia stated as she continued her duck like waddle. “Yours is closer.”

Instead of offering a verbal reply, you waved your hand towards the door, watching as Alicia quickly padded in and once again slammed the door shut, the sound echoing loudly between your ears.

“Can you grab my toothbrush and toothpaste out of there when you’re done?” You asked through the door, the ringing causing your brain to vibrate.

Alicia yelled out a “yeah” in affirmation, a sigh of relief filtering through the door as you reached behind you to place your hands on the bed frame, taking a moment to prepare before pulling yourself up. The metal squeaked in protest until you were now sitting on your mattress, your backside crying out in relief and strain at your movements. Alicia came out of the bathroom not too long afterwards, leaving the door open behind her as she walked over to you, nearly tripping over your bucket of water in the process, your toothbrush and toothpaste in one hand and a damp, wadded up paper towel in the other. Alicia cursed as she stumbled but ultimately remained upright.

You couldn’t help but noticed your friend’s appearance. She looked tired, disheveled even, but not in the way one would be if they didn’t get enough sleep. No, this tired was different, she looked like she was done, completely over whatever situation she had found herself in. Her hair was in a big puff on top of her head, a style that you rarely saw the woman wear and her clothes, while appropriate for work around the castle, were loose and wrinkled, like she had picked them up off the floor and threw on.

“Uh, are you gonna take these or not? My arm’s getting tired.” Alicia asked, her arm outstretched. You blinked, only just realizing that you had just been sitting and staring for the better part of the past few moments.

“Sorry.” You murmured, reaching out and taking the items from your friend, fingers closing tightly around each one. “I spaced out for a second.”

“I can see that. You good?”

You nodded almost convincingly before slowly standing up, Alicia’s eyes following you as you moved to sit at your desk as she asked, “Okay…are you busy, then? If not, you wanna walk with me in the village for a bit? Actually, before you answer that I wanna know something else first: why do you have a bucket of water sitting in the middle of the floor?”

You hummed as your heart began to pick up its pace. You tried you absolute hardest to not focus on the bathroom behind you as you shakily flipped the cap off the toothpaste and applied some to the brush. “I was cleaning earlier. Hadn’t put the bucket back yet. Why you wanna go to the village? What’s out there?”

Alicia shrugged and moved over to your desk to lean against it, her eyes fixated on the specks of dirt decorating her shoes. “I don’t know. I was thinking we could just walk around and get a few things. Or not. We could just sightsee.”

“Shite-shee.” You deadpanned, mouth full of foam.

“Sightsee.”

“In the village.”

“Yeah. Look, it’s my first off day in a while and don’t wanna be in the castle right now. And it’s been a while since you and I actually did anything together.”

A familiar wave of guilt filled you lungs and nearly caused you to swallow the toothpaste, the reminder of your lack of socializing gripping your vocal cords so tightly you could barely remember how to speak. It has been a while since you and Alicia had done anything together. More than that, it’s been days since you’ve had a conversation with anyone that wasn’t Alcina. You knew you should be doing a better job at keeping up with your friendships—at keeping up with everything in general—but it was just…it was more than difficult, it was nearly impossible for you right now, you just couldn’t muster up enough motivation to leave your room, much less hold a conversation. It was getting to the point where you found that you didn’t even bother most days and each day just seemed to be getting harder.

But…Goddamn it, you made a promise to your friend and…fuck, now you had to uphold it. You couldn’t break another promise. You had to honor your own words, even if every muscle in your body was protesting. Pushing the toothbrush along your tongue and resisting the urge to gag, you nodded slowly, reluctantly, wanting more than anything to just stay in this room. Unfortunately you didn’t have an excuse, at least, not one that you thought was good enough to justify your stay and you began brushing your teeth harder, the bristles scraping cutting your gums as Alicia glanced behind her to pick up your sketchbook. She opened it and began flipping through the pages, her thumb tracing lightly along the spine.

“Thing’s starting to collect dust.” Your friend remarked almost teasingly as she examined one of your older pieces, taking a moment to analyze it before turning her head to look at you. “You have any new pieces in here?”

You shook your head, glancing away from the book and getting up. Keeping your gaze fixated on the floor you moved to the bathroom door and closed it, nearly slamming the door shut, though you managed to control yourself. You continued brushing harshly as your back faced Alicia. You didn’t want to look at her, didn’t want to look at your sketchbook, it was only a reminder of your diminished desire, a reminder that you were too preoccupied within yourself to focus on the one thing that was certain to bring you joy. It hurt more than anything else. This was…what you were feeling was worse than any art block you’ve experienced, burned hotter than the fire you plunged your hand into to save your previous book. At least during art block you could practice anatomy or even make plans for future pieces you wanted to complete. Now…you had no drive to even pick up a pencil, much less draw a single line across the page. Even the idea of drawing a stick figure was exhausting so there your sketchbook sat, waiting for the day you could open it up again. Your heart began to slowly plunge. The one thing you enjoyed doing more than anything was now no longer a place of happiness and that…that wounded you a lot more than you had anticipated.

“Art block?” Alicia asked, careful to not drag her fingers across your sketches.

“Sure.” You offered, pulling the toothbrush from your mouth and spitting into the bucket; white mixed with red and specks of black swirling along the rippling surface of the water.

“You’ll get through it.” You heard Alicia say softly, a soft thud following her words. She must’ve put your sketchbook down. “So…like I was saying, I was thinking we could spend the day together. Only if you want, though. If not then I can ask the twins. Good chance to show them around or something.”

You furrowed your eyebrows as you stared into the water, your tongue running over your teeth again as the taste of iron tinged the back of your throat. “I’m surprised Bela isn’t your first choice. You don’t wanna ask her?”

Out of the corner of your eye, you saw Alicia stiffen at the mention of her girlfriend. “What, I can’t hang out with other people?”

For some reason the sarcasm sent a ping of irritation down your spine. Resisting the urge to roll your eyes, you walked back over towards your desk and put down your toothbrush before looking at the dark skinned woman. “I didn’t say that. Y’all are dating, that’s why I figured you’d ask her first.”

“And you’re my best friend. Couples need time apart every once in a while, right? Independence and all that…are you sure you’re okay? Why are your eyes so red?”

You blinked and reached up to rub your eyes. “I’m good, just didn’t get enough sleep last night.”

Alicia smirked. “Alcina been keeping you up late?”

You nearly snorted. You wished that Alcina was the reason you were losing sleep. No, unfortunately for you that was far from the truth. Not only has the Lady not kept you up late, you’ve also had hardly been sleeping with her. The two of you barely slept together and that was completely your fault. Alcina would be sleeping beside you peacefully, her chest rising and falling evenly as you laid on your side facing away from her, eyes straining as you tried to focus on the darkness in front of you and inside of you as your own visions plagued you nonstop until you were forced to get up and leave the room, forced to leave Alcina to wake up to a cold, empty bed once again.

Part of you was a little surprised that Alcina hadn’t questioned your missing presence but another part of you, a much larger part of you was relieved that she didn’t ask. You weren’t sure if the Lady was simply respecting the fact that you would come to her eventually or if she had her claws full with something else. That was fine with you, honestly. You didn’t know how you could properly explain what it was that you were feeling anyway. You could hardly understand it yourself.

“I wish.” You tried to say as nonchalantly as possible, pushing your thumbs into the waistband of your pants to pull them up. Alicia didn’t need to know your issues, you wouldn’t burden another person with your inner turmoil. “I just haven’t been sleeping that well, not sure why. But yeah sure, I’ll go to the village.”

“Alright then. You want to take a nap before we leave? Because you actually look like you’re about to pass out.”

You highly doubted that you would be able to find any rest right now and you shook your head dismissively.

“Okay, if you’re sure.” Alicia said slowly, her eyes traveling to your hair. She examined your coils in astonishment, like she was cataloguing every split end and tangle that you knew was there. “Elise might have something that’ll help you, you should talk to her at some point. If you don’t need a nap, I was hoping that we could leave now.”

“Right now?” You asked, glancing towards your window, the curtains drawn shut, though a few miscellaneous rays forcefully pushed their way into your room. “What time is it? Don’t you have to work?”

Alicia tilted her head in confusion. “It’s a little past noon and I already told you that today was my off day.”

Right, right, she did say that already. You just hadn’t registered that piece of information. Still, it didn’t change how you truly felt. You really did not want to go but you found yourself nodding for Alicia’s sake, running your tongue along your teeth again, the surface smoother than it had been all week, yet it still somehow felt rotten. You tasted something familiar, something metallic and you didn’t have to look in a mirror to know that your gums were bleeding. Of course they would be. You swallowed harshly, wiped your mouth with the back of your hand, rubbed the sticky, excess foam on your pants and moved towards the door.

“You gonna get dressed?” Alicia asked, glancing down at your current attire.

You looked down at your clothes, wondering what exactly was wrong with it before rolling your eyes and moving to your dresser, opening one of the drawers and pulling out a hoodie. You threw it on and moved back to the door to tug on your boots, not even bothering to tie the laces and instead tucking them deeply into the sides. You looked towards your friend, tilting your head and gesturing towards yourself as if to say “this good enough?” Your appearance wasn’t a priority right now, you just wanted to go to the village and get back as soon as you could. Alicia just shrugged, pushed herself off your desk and padded across the room to leave, you following close behind. You walked behind the shorter woman, your steps quick as you tried to keep up. Alicia was moving like she was trying to avoid being caught. Eventually the two of you reached the front doors of the castle, neither of you acknowledging anyone on the way out. Alicia held the door open for you and you step out, taking a moment to take in the fresh air, to feel the warm beams of the sun penetrate your skin before continuing on with your unwanted journey.

The two of you walked down the road that lead to the village, your boots crunching against the gravel as you reached up to rub your eyes again, the fatigue settling in hard. Lord, you were tired, more than that, you were exhausted. You tried so hard, so fucking hard to sleep, keeping your eyes shut and body still as though to trick yourself into falling asleep but you simply couldn’t. You could maybe shut down your body but you couldn’t turn off your mind. It was always thinking, always analyzing, always remembering despite your best efforts to forget. Not that it mattered if you slept anyway, you would only be tormented in your dreams, terrorized in your nightmares and forced to remain awake. The lack of rest was slowly burrowing into your bones, seeping into each and every one of your muscle like an I.V. that’s been left in your arm for too long, slowly poisoning you with an unknown substance that ripped at every tendon and ligament holding you together. You closed your eyes as you walked, a futile attempt to get some rest as you felt Alicia stare at you, her gaze hotter than the burning end of Alcina’s cigarette.

“You’re breaking out.” Alicia commented unnecessarily.

You tried not to scoff too loudly as you opened your eyes and ran you fingers down your cheek, bumps of various sizes rubbing against you skin. Despite not having looked in a mirror recently, you knew the acne was there, you could feel each and every one of them growing on your skin. “Thanks, I know. It happens.”

“It’s a lot. All along your jaw and cheek. We should look for some something for it on our way. Anyway, you hungry? We could get some food while we’re out.”

“No, I’m not hungry.” You muttered, wishing that Alicia would stop talking. You haven’t been hungry in a while and you haven’t eaten anything since lunch time yesterday, the soup you had been served turning cold before you decided to try and take two and half sips. “You can eat if you want.”

“You’re not hungry? That’s a first.”

You shrugged as you continued walking, keeping your eyes forward and refusing to respond to your friend as the two of you eventually entered the village, the once comforting sun now beaming down on you and causing beads of sweat to build up on the back of your neck. Maybe a hoodie wasn’t the best choice in attire but it was too late now. If you died from heatstroke maybe that was what you deserved. As you and Alicia began walking around the village, your eyes immediately fell to the tall stone statue of a woman holding a sword and a shield that stood erect in the center of the area. You stared at the piece in diluted wonder as you walked towards it. The stone was cracked and worn in various places, the color having turned a blueish green color, most likely due to exposure to the elements. Still, despite her hardships the warrior stood tall and confident, sword raised high as if she were ready to tackle anything that came her way. You wished you possessed that strength, you craved it even but unfortunately for you, you could only dream to be half as brave as her.

You didn’t notice that you had been staring for a while until you blinked and looked around for Alicia, your heart beginning to pound when you couldn’t find her at first, only to breathe a small sigh of relief as you found her continuing a slow walk down the pavement. You took a step to walk towards her when the hairs on the back of your neck rose straight up suddenly, your throat beginning to close and the muscles in your legs tightening as you felt a presence form behind you. You whipped around quickly, trying to see who—or what—it was that had caused such a visceral reaction, only to be met with nothing but air, a swarm of gnats buzzing loudly a few feet in front of you. You clenched your teeth, your jaw flexing as you slowly turned around and jogged to catch up to Alicia, her hands shoved deep into the pockets of her pants as she stared down at her feet as she walked, clearly preoccupied with her own thoughts.

“You good?” You asked, trying to keep your slow brewing panic under control.

“Yeah.” Alicia replied, tilting her head up to gauge where she was going before looking back down, her feet scraping almost unbearably against the pavement. “Just thinking.”

“What are you thinking about?”

Your friend shrugged. “A lot of things. Have you…talked to Bela lately?”

Alicia asked quietly as if she were afraid the mere mentioning of the daughter’s name would be enough to summon her. You furrowed your eyebrows at the way she had asked the question, her tone crestfallen and indicating that she hadn’t spoken to the blonde in days. Arms stiff as you held them at your sides, your eyes examined anyone walking nearby, analyzing them more intently than strictly necessary. “Not in a while. Why? You two okay?”

“I dunno. We’re…its been a while since I’ve seen her. Four days, actually. I know you two talk and I wanted to know if she was okay.”

“Uh, I’m sure she’s fine. She is a Dimitrescu, why wouldn’t she be?”

Alicia paused in her strides, forcing you to come to a stop as she brought her hands out of her pockets and to her torso, beginning to pick at her nails in that way she did when she was trying to keep herself from becoming too overwhelmed. “She told me she loved me a few days ago.”

You tilted your head slightly, trying give off some degree of surprise. You wished you could have offered a congratulations or an “I’m happy for you” of sorts but you just…it was almost taxing on you to feel joyful about a supposedly joyful revelation. One, you were already aware of how Bela felt about Alicia but two…you found that you were having a difficult time truly caring and your lack of positive emotions made you feel horrible, even worse than the emotions that you were actually capable of displaying. “You don’t sound happy about that. What did you say?”

Alicia was silent for a moment, pausing in her nail picking to crack her knuckles as she said, “Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“Well, I didn’t say it back.” The woman continued, resuming her walk down the road, her strides much longer as if she were slowly preparing to run away from this conversation. “I couldn’t, I actually could not say it back to her. I didn’t know what to say, I was shocked, [Y/N]. I wasn’t expecting her to tell me that, not this soon. Is it too soon? I mean…it’s not that I don’t love her. I do…I think?”

“Are you asking me or telling me?”

“Ugh, see, that’s what I’m talking about.” Alicia groaned as she let her hands drop to her side, her limbs swinging as helplessly as her tone. “I don’t know. I said this before; I know that I can love her, honestly loving her would be the easiest thing in the world, but…it’s only been five months, not even half a year. I don’t want to move too fast and have everything fall apart and right now? It all feels too fast and like it’s about to fall apart.”

You remained silent for a moment as you followed Alicia into a deli, the two of you greeting the single employee there as you moved towards the cash register and looked through the glass at various cuts of meats, none of it looking very appetizing to you.

“Did you tell Bela any of that?“ You asked, the hairs on the back of your neck beginning to stand up again as the familiar feeling of dread began flowing through your veins, the feeling gripping at your heart and threatening to crush it. You took a deep breath before continuing. “If not then you need to.”

“I tried but I’m gonna be honest, she took me by surprise and I was stuttering and shit, I couldn’t explain that to her the way I wanted to.” Alicia replied, looking up towards the employee behind the counter. “Can I get a few slices of this one? The roast beef and the turkey? Yeah, thank you. Actually, can you add a few slices of the ham too, please? Thanks.”

“Did you try to explain it afterwards?” You asked, you stomach roiling in mutiny at the meat as the worker began to package the cuts Alicia requested.

“I never got the chance. I would tell her if I could find her and trust me I’ve been looking.” Alicia continued, ignorant to your sudden change in your demeanor as she waited patiently. “But you know how the daughters can be, if they don’t want to be found they won’t be. I haven’t talked to Bela or even seen her since, that’s why I asked if you have. I can’t even find her now, but Daniela and Cassandra have been on my ass about it, Dani more than Cassandra but still…I feel like an asshole. Bela told me how she felt and I just stood there looking stupid for like five minutes only to say that I didn’t know if I felt the same.”

“So what’s supposed to happen now? What do you want to happen?”

“I don’t know.” Your friend sighed, clearly despondent as you remained vigilant, every inch of you body tightening as if you were preparing to run as the employee weighed the meat on their scale. “I mean, what normally happens to couples that don’t feel the same way about each other?“

You had an answer but you didn’t want to voice it, lest to upset your friend further. Instead you watched critically as Alicia pulled out her money to pay for the meat. The exchange went smoothly, Alicia taking her bagged meat and leaving the shop. You followed shortly, quickly sizing up the employee before doing so and allowing the door to shut behind you, the bell on the door ringing in your ears long after you had continued walking down the road. It wasn’t until you were on the other side of the street that you finally offered an answer.

“Well…I don’t want to say what happens to couples that aren’t on the same page but…” You trailed off, hoping that Alicia caught on to what you were trying to say.

“I know. I know.” The woman sighed, dispirited as she opened her bag and pulled out a cut of beef and stuffing it into her mouth, chewing a few times before swallowing. “I don’t…I don’t want to break up with her but I also don’t want her to have an expectation, you know? And I know she has expectations. She told me about the last woman she was with and how she disappeared after she told her how she felt and…I mean, I don’t know if she’s expecting me to disappear now or what.”

You trailed behind Alicia for a moment, glancing behind you again as your friend’s words became background noise. Your back was stiff, muscles taunt as you felt a pair of eyes bore into the base of your skull. You glanced behind you, trying to locate the suspect. Unfortunately, or fortunately rather, you saw no one there save for a massive crow sitting on the roof of a nearby store, beady black eyes peering at you almost quizzically. You glared at the bird, the urge to flip it off almost overwhelming. You could still heart Alicia talking but her voice sounded watery, like she was trying to speak to you at the bottom of a lake…or through a rushing waterfall...

You’re okay…you’re okay…

“Obviously you’re not gonna leave her.” You forced yourself to say quickly as you snapped your head forward, your heart hammering as you tried desperately to contain yourself. You couldn’t go back to that place of panic, not here and especially not in front of Alicia. You knew you wouldn’t be able to stop it if it happened but if you could just make it back to your room…

“I’m not.” Alicia agreed around another piece of meat, her chewing loud and moist in your ear. You could smell the cut she had chosen, turkey this time. “But that other girl hurt her so bad and I don’t know how she’s…I think Bela might be waiting for me me to say it back to her soon and I just don’t feel that way yet. I want us to work and keep doing what we’ve been doing but that’s hard to do if she won’t talk to me. We’ve been great up until now, minus a few minor arguments but that’s normal.”

“Mhm.”

“I just don’t want her to resent me, that’s all.” Alicia swallowed thickly, the meat and her emotions trickling down her throat. “What would you do? If Alcina was here right now and told you she loved you? Would you say it back?”

You paused, your face scrunching in…distaste? Confusion? Bewilderment? You weren’t entirely sure what emotion you were portraying right now but it certainly wasn’t a positive one. Alicia offered you her bag and you shook your head to decline as you took a second to think. Well, think as much as you could about the question seeing as your mind was more interested in other things. You couldn’t help but feel a pain twist in your gut. You’d…what would you if Alcina told you she loved you? You’d be rendered immobile, your feet melded into the floor as you tried to process what she told you. Would you say it back? Well, you and Alcina hadn’t been together long despite how it felt and…love wasn’t something you had spent much time thinking about and if you were being honest…it wasn’t something you were certain you could express right now, not in a way that Lady Dimitrescu would need and certainly not in a way you felt that you deserved.

“No, I wouldn’t.” You admitted.

“Too soon?” Alicia asked, pulling out another piece of meat, ham it smelled like, and pushing the entire thing in her mouth.

“Too soon.”

“Exactly.”

“I guess you’ll just have to wait until Bela comes to you, however long that might take.” You offered, determined to continue eyeing any wandering pedestrians critically. All of them could be potential threats, all of them could make the decision to hurt you at any given moment should they want to…

“Yeah…I know.” Alicia swallowed before closing her bag. “Hopefully it doesn’t take too long. It just…weird, is all. I feel like I’m being punished for not feeling a certain way but I can’t force myself to feel something. I’ll just try to wait.”

“It’s all you really can do.”

“Yeah…anyway, other than that I’m fine, I guess. Just miss her. Anyway, did you hear about Mother Miranda visiting the castle?”

Your skin prickled instantly and you nearly tripped over your own feet when the woman’s name was mentioned, though you managed to catch yourself and play off it off as a mere stumble. “Y-yeah, I’ve heard.”

You tried to keep the fear from seeping into your voice but to no avail. You’ve done more than simply heard, so much more. You couldn’t describe exactly what was happening to you but it felt like you could almost…feel her presence. It was like you knew exactly where she was when she was in close proximity despite the fact that you couldn’t actually know that. You recalled the events vividly: you panicking, Alcina calming you down before leaving, Daniela chatting incessantly into your ear as you waited impatiently…you had heard two sets of footsteps approach the Lady’s chambers, both of them stopping just outside of the door. Daniela was speaking as if she hadn’t heard a single thing, but you felt it, tuning the redhead out and focusing on the person you knew was lingering outside the door as you fought tooth and nail to keep from becoming overwhelmed. You hated to admit it but part of you wanted to open the door, a small voice in the back of your head was beckoning you forward, telling you to go and seek Mother. The much larger, more rational part of you fought back against the intrusive thoughts and remained seated, fingers curled deeply into the mattress, not daring to go near the door out of fear of what would happen should you risk taking a step. You held your breath for a long time, much longer than you thought you were capable of and only released it when the footsteps continue down the hall and fell out of earshot.

Daniela’s chattering had started filtering back into your ears and you remembered letting your shoulders fall in relief. You were thankful to every possible being out there that Mother Miranda hadn’t entered the room…you were terrified of the person you’d become should you see her again, petrified by what looking into her cold, dead, watchful eyes would do to you…the kind of things you’d see or be subjected to…you couldn’t go through that kind of terror again.

“Shit was insane, it was like the whole castle was on some kind of weird lockdown or something but literally none of us saw her or even knew she was coming.” Alicia continued, coming to a sign with a steel pole and using the hand that wasn’t holding her bag of meat to spin herself around momentarily before continuing her journey. “Bela was damn near yelling at me to at least look like I’m working and Cassandra was just ordering everyone around, saying that if we break anything it would be our ass. I haven’t seen Bianca—you know her, she’s the one that mops the cafeteria every other day—in a while but I did hear screaming. I think she’s the one that got dragged off. It’s been so long since I’ve last heard of someone getting taken to the cellar I almost forgot that the family was infamous for that. Maybe Bela just makes sure it doesn’t happen in front of me or something, I don’t know.”

You recalled the screaming clearly. A bloodcurdling, horrified scream, one so piercing you could almost believe that the unfortunate maid had yelled directly into your ear. “At least Mo-“ You tried before abruptly stopping yourself, the words catching in your throat and nearly choking you. “…at least…”

Too afraid to say her name?

“At least she didn’t stay long.” You amended, glancing at your friend and hoping that she wouldn’t pay too much attention to your blunder. Fortunately for you, Alicia was preoccupied with eyeing every shop the two of you passed by, likely trying to figure out which one she wanted to go in next.

“Yeah, glad the Lady got rid of her quick.” Your friend agreed, reaching up to twirl a strand of hair. “Did she tell you what Miranda wanted?”

No, Alcina hadn’t informed you of what had gone down, not exactly anyway. She had yet to provide full details of the encounter, though the Lady hadn’t seemed to be in a discussing sort of mood. If you were being honest you couldn’t bring yourself to ask either, not wishing to spend more time than necessary hearing, speaking or thinking about that vile, evil woman. Alcina had told you that she was merely visiting and you took that for what it was. It made sense to you, or rather, you tried to make it make sense: Miranda hadn’t visited the castle for years so it was time for her to fix that by coming in unannounced and thoroughly ruining everyone’s day.

But the problem was that you had trouble believing that. There was too much conviction in Alcina’s words of affirmation, too much strength behind the hug she gave you. She might not have noticed but you have and it was too much for you to simply ignore. The story revolving around Alcina and Miranda was one that was still incredibly confusing to you, one that still made bile burn your esophagus whenever you thought about the very little that Alcina had revealed to you months ago. Despite not having all the information and only encountering the woman once, you knew that Miranda wasn’t someone who did things simply just to do them. No, you’ve encountered people like her before; she had a reason for everything she did, as malicious as it was. You discovered that yourself when she dropped you over the edge of the cliff that day. Her point then had been to strike lasting fear into your heart, to poison your heartstrings and to say that she succeeded would’ve been a massive understatement. That alone was enough for you to know that Miranda hadn’t visited the castle just to get a look at the change in decor. No, there was something bigger at play here, something that correlated to you somehow and you were going to have to figure out what that was, even if you had to force Alcina to tell you.

Even still…you knew Alcina a little bit better than she probably thought you did. You were observant—years of practicing your artistic craft and studying your subjects aided in that ability—and even when she was comforting you, her arm wrapped around your shoulders and holding you close, you could feel her heartbeat through her fingers from how harshly they were digging into your skin. Her pulse had been thumping rapidly the day she came back to check on you after Mother Miranda left, her heart going a mile a minute as if she had been startled and was trying to calm herself down. As far as you knew, nothing had happened so it was likely that Alcina was thinking about something, possibly something Miranda had said. You debated on whether or not you wanted to ask her about it, even if the meeting had been four days ago.

But for now you’d wait. You would wait for Alcina to come to you. She had been more than patient with you, had been there for you when she didn’t need to be and offered comfort when you needed it, when you wanted to refuse it. Even if you didn’t deserve it. The least you could do for now was offer Lady Dimitrescu that same sentiment. You trusted her to come to you about whatever it was that Miranda had said to her. You only hoped that she wouldn’t wait too long.

Quite hypocritical of you, yes?

“No, she didn’t.” You replied, trying to quiet your inner monologue . “Doesn’t matter now, at least she left. I doubt anyone would’ve been safe if she stayed.”

Alicia nodded slowly, eyes trained upwards. “You’re probably right. I haven’t even met the woman face to face but I know she’d probably scare the shit out of me. Hell, she scares me now. But at least we don’t have to worry about her.”

Unfortunately for you, Mother Miranda was all you could worry about no matter how hard you tried to silence your mind.

She certainly has no idea how horrid mother can be

You shook your head in an effort to clear the thought and you kept walking, the sweat building up on your forehead though you weren’t sure if it was from the sun hanging up overhead or you own hyper vigilance. Either way, you reached down to grab the hem of your hoodie and tore it off before tying it almost painfully tight around your waist. You lifted your arms up to find that you had already sweated through the fabric of your shirt; dark, soaked patches that only seemed to be growing bigger the longer you stayed out here. It was nearly the end of October, the warmth making way for the coolness that came with the push of autumn, there was no reason for you to be perspiring like this. You needed to calm down.

However, it was almost impossible to do that with the impending sense of doom creeping over your shoulder.

“Have you seen the way Dani has been acting around Keon?” Alicia asked suddenly before ducking into another store, this one resembling an antique shop of sorts.

“Keon?” You questioned in confusion, unable to recall a time where Daniela’s behavior had been awkward around the particular twin. “You mean Kyrie?”

“I…shit, yeah, I meant Kyrie. Their names are similar, my fault. But anyway, I know you’ve seen it. It’s actually really cute, the way Daniela talk about Kyrie, she was basically gushing to me about her the other day. I walked into her room yesterday and tell me why she had all these books on sign language scattered around on her bed. She asked me to sign with her so I guess her and I are practicing together. You should join us, by the way.”

You tried not to feel overwhelmed in the overly crowded shop as you followed closely behind your friend. “Daniela’s actually learning how to sign?”

“Yeah, she wasn’t lying when she told me she wanted to learn. Even when she was talking to me she kept trying to sign. It’s nice to see her trying so hard to talk to Kyrie.”

Why would you agree to come out here? Do you have any idea what could happen to you? What if she’s out here? What if she’s watching you?

“Mhm.” You hummed, halfway paying attention, consumed by your own thoughts.

“Let me tell you something,” Alicia continued, shuffling around you while trying to avoid running into the overfill shelves. “I was helping the twins out in the library yesterday, showing them how to sort the books or whatever, and Dani comes in and immediately starts talking to Kyrie. You should’ve seen how she was trying to sign the little bit she learned but I guess she forgot what she was trying to say because she stopped like, what, halfway through her sentence. I don’t think Kyrie cared honestly, she kept smiling at Dani and correcting her. Keon, too. She was the one translating. It was cute. You think she might be into Dani?”

You shrugged, not necessarily all that concerned at the moment as you followed Alicia, the older woman browsing the aisles. “Maybe. She’s only been here what? Barely a week? And Daniela can’t really talk to her unless Keon is there. Plus she’s always catching feelings for someone, give it a few weeks.”

Alicia glanced over her shoulder at you and gave you a curious look, an eyebrow raised at your response before looking forward and saying, “I guess. She’s just very invested in trying to talk to Kyrie, you know? She’s never went this hard for someone, I don’t think so anyway. I really hope Kyrie’s into Daniela, they would be cute and Dani deserves something good after the whole Naomi thing. Plus…they’re hot, I can’t even lie. Kyrie and Keon are very fine, they both got that tattooed, pierced up kind of alternative goth thing going on and it works.”

Alicia stopped near the end of the aisle and crouched down to peer at the items on the bottom shelf. You remained standing, examining a set of polished silverware absentmindedly, eyebrows furrowing at the price. Four hundred lei for that? “They’re both very pretty, yeah.”

“Uh huh. Keon thinks you are too. I think she wants to talk to you more.”

You snorted at that. Why would anyone want to talk to you? You were nothing, hardly worth anyone’s time. “Why you say that?”

“Because she told me. You need to get out of your room more often, you two would be good friends. She’s into art, too. Did she tell you she was a tattoo artist and that all the ones Kyrie has she designed and actually did?”

“No, I didn’t know that. That’s pretty cool.”

“It is!” Alicia exclaimed sprung up on her feet, her knees popping in the process. “They’re both cool, Kyrie was actually a piercer. She did hers and Keon’s ears. Wished they didn’t stop, I’d get a tattoo and piercing from them.”

You nodded in agreement as Alicia continued looking around for who knew what. You followed her like a puppy, wishing she would hurry up and find what she was looking for so they could leave. You could feel the eyes of the store clerk on you, her gaze piercing as she watch the two of you dutifully. Apparently deciding that she didn’t want anything from the store, Alicia made her way to the front, thanked the clerk and left the store, you following a few step behind her.

“Can I ask you something?” Alicia asked the moment the door shut behind you.

“What?” You replied a little more pointed than you meant to, though Alicia didn’t seem to catch the tone.

“I was thinking…if Dani and Kyrie were to be a thing, Dani would have to tell her about her diet, right? I don’t know how the twins would take the whole “eating people to survive” thing, though.” Alicia pondered almost absentmindedly. Part of you wondered if she actually cared about whether or not the twins knew about the Dimitrescu family’s diet or if she was simply asking in order to keep her mind off her own problems. Possibly both. “Should we tell them that the daughters do that or should we just let them figure it out on their own?”

“I’d be surprised if they haven’t figured that out already, honestly.” You replied swiftly, readjusting the loosening hoodie around your waist. “They all walk around with blood on their faces, especially Cassandra. Kind of hard to miss that.”

“Cassandra, yeah. Bela doesn’t do anymore and Dani wipes her face everytime she’s around Keon—Kyrie, goddamn it, I don’t know why I keep confusing them, I know they’re twins but they look very different.”

“Kyrie’s the taller one. And honestly, they’ll figure it out eventually. I mean if they ask sure you can tell them but until then…they’ll learn.”

“Like we did? You sure? Because I sure as hell wish I had a warning before watching Cassandra drag someone down the hallway for the first time. Maybe we should tell them soon? I think they deserve to know.“

You’d never forget the first time you watched a maid get dragged down the hall and towards the cellar. It had been your second day on the job and you were trying to remember the layout of the castle. One of the new maids—you didn’t get the chance to learn her name—was screaming in pure agony as Daniela in all of her giggling glory tugged her right past you, her sickle buried deep in the calf of the unfortunate woman, her nails practically leaving claw marks in the floor. The redhead had fixed you with an cheerful glint in her eyes, one that made it clear that, despite her joyful demeanor, you would be next should you make any sudden movements. Not that you could, not with the way your body had froze in fear, the bile rising in your throat as you forced yourself to wander the hall and not spew the contents of your stomach all over the floor.

It was funny—maybe alarming to some, depending on who you asked—about how desensitized both you and Alicia became to this sort of thing now, so desensitized that the two of you were able to discuss the dragging and murder of a servant easily as if they two of you were just talking about something as mundane as the weather, as if someone wasn’t being tortured for hours upon hours before being drained and devoured right under your feet. You weren’t sure if it was a trauma response or something entirely different but regardless it didn’t bother you as much as it used to…and you weren’t sure if that had become a source of strength or weakness. Death…was an interesting concept to say the absolute least. It didn’t seem to bother as much as it once did, you were almost numb to it…in fact, part of you wondered what it would feel like.

*Dying only affects those that truly care for you. The lives of those around you wouldn’t change if you were gone.*

“I’ll tell them next time I see them.” You decided.

Alicia’s shoulders dropped in relief. “Good, because if you didn’t I was going to. Also, question: can I do your hair tomorrow?” Alicia asked quickly, the words falling from her mouth as if she had been waiting all day to ask the question. “Please? I’m not tryna be mean but…it’s a mess, honestly. What’s going on with it?”

Your nostrils flared at the question as Alicia reached over and gently tugged at your hair, using her thumb and index fingers to separate the knotted strands. She fiddled with a particularly stubborn knot and ended up pulling on the strand a little too hard and nearly ripping the hair out. You winched and jerk away from her, glaring at the woman as you reached up to rub your scalp. “Nothing’s going on with it.”

“Yeah, I can see that.” Alicia agreed, her tone dripping with sarcasm as she pulled out a strand of your hair caught between her nails. “What’s up? I haven’t seen your hair this tangled before. Have you been wearing your bonnet at least?”

You looked up at an upcoming sign for a store and ducked inside, the cashier greeting you and Alicia as you walked in. You moved to one of the aisles, pretending to be interested in the assortment of cheap candles littering the shelves.

“No, I haven’t been wearing it.” You finally replied, walking down another aisle that held products that you knew wouldn’t work for your hair. “I keep forgetting to put it on. If you want to do it you can tomorrow after breakfast.”

“That works.” Alicia agreed, gawking at the hair products before picking one up to read the label. “Just wash it first and I’ll style it for you.”

Wash it…the dread that you were trying to keep contained was slowly building back up, this time with a vengeance, the fear clutching your heart in a way that made you have to place a hand on your chest to ensure that it was still beating. Wash it…normally you’d get in the shower to do that but that wasn’t an option for you, not right now. You’d have to find some sort of alternative…maybe the bucket again…

“Yeah.” Inhale…exhale…inhale…exhale. “Okay.”

“Good.” Alicia replied, squinting as she read her bottle. “So what do you want? Twists? Plaits? Cornrows?”

“I don’t really care. Whatever you feel like doing.”

“Alright and when I give you micro locs or shave your head don’t be upset.”

“Like I wouldn’t just spend three days combing those out. But if I ever want to start my loc journey, I’ll be sure to book you. And if you shave my head, you and I will have problems.”

Alicia snickered as she sat down the bottle and continued looking around the store. You followed your friend, not particularly interested in anything the place had to offer. At one point, Alicia had wandered off for a few minutes only to come back with a basket that had more than a few items in it; a new set of combs—“didn’t you just buy a set of combs?” “I broke them.”—bandages, hand soap and other basic necessities. You moved ahead, eyeing an aisle of sweets, your stomach once again churning in repulsion as you impatiently waited for Alicia to grab whatever else she thought she needed and pay for it so you two could leave. It felt like the two of you had been out for days when in reality it hadn’t been more than an hour. Eventually Alicia joined you again in the candy aisle, grabbed three bags of some kind of gummies to toss into her basket and the two of you moved to the next aisle over. This one actually had a person in it, not surprising considering the size of the building. You noticed that the stranger had locs piled on top of their head, muscles rippling underneath their dark skin as they crouched to get a closer look at the items decorating the bottom shelf, a basket full of groceries next to them. They hadn’t noticed you and Alicia at first, clearly more interested in the can they were examining, but you couldn’t help but notice that they looked very familiar.

“Charlie?” You questioned, not expecting to run into them.

The stranger glanced up at their name being called and grinned as they saw you, rising to stand to their full height.

“Hey, [Y/N].” Charlie greeted, their eyes moving from you to Alicia who had come up behind you. You took the chance to look over Charlie; they were very much dressed for the weather, sporting a white, loose tank top and blue well fitted shorts that showcased their muscular legs. Their locs were tied up into a neat pile on top of their head, two strands falling directly into their face and hanging past their shoulders, and their nose piercing glinted almost teasingly as the light in the store bounced off of it. “It’s been a minute. Thought you might’ve gotten eaten or something.”

“Yeah, my fault.” You apologized, the palm of your hand beginning to itch. “And nah, I’m still here.”

*Even if I don’t deserve to be.*

“This is Alicia.” You gestured next to you and towards your friend, trying to ignore the sensation growing in your hand.

“So, this is Charlie?” Alicia questioned in wonder before Charlie could speak up, taking a moment to examine them with wide eyes before letting out a long, high pitched whistle. “Well, now I see why Cassandra is acting the way she is. I’m not even gonna lie, you’re fine as hell.”

Charlie’s eyebrows rose to their hairline as if they weren’t expecting the compliment. To be fair, they most likely weren’t but nonetheless their grin widened in appreciation. “Me? Nah, but you? I’ve seen fine before but damn. You know Cassandra?”

“Everyone who works at Castle Dimitrescu knows her. Now, does everyone like her? That’s a different question.”

“Yeah, I can imagine that she’s kind of hard to like.”

“Only kind of?”

You stood back awkwardly as Alicia and Charlie shared a laugh. Alicia gestured towards Charlie’s basket by swinging her own. “Over here grocery shopping, I see.”

“Yeah.” Charlie commented as they reached down to pick up their basket. “I was actually in here earlier but I forgot a few things.“

“Your basket’s full.”

Charlie shrugged. “I forgot a lot of things?”

Alicia let out a noise from the back of her throat as if to say ‘well, yeah.’ The sound caused Charlie to chuckle again and move further down the aisle, once again examining the items on the shelves. Both you and Alicia followed them, Alicia looking for more things as well and you…well, you didn’t have anything better to do but follow them. The silence didn’t last long-it never did when Alicia was around-and she immediately began interrogating Charlie.

“So Charlie, you got a thing for Cassandra or not?” Alicia essentially deadpanned.

“Do I have a thing for Cassandra.” Charlie repeated in exaggerated wonder as they pretended to be interested in a can of ravioli. “Hm…that’s definitely a question.”

“One that needs an answer. But if you do like her then you need to say something. She’s been acting all kinds of weird ever since you two met.”

That seemed to pique their interest. Charlie’s eyebrows rose again, this time in curiosity as they tilted their head. “Weird? Why, did I do something wrong? I didn’t mean to make her uncomfortable.”

“I don’t think you did. Well, maybe, I don’t know. Cassandra doesn’t really talk about how she feels. From what [Y/N] told me Cass has been thinking about you a lot.”

Charlie finally turned their head at the confession, their eyes glancing towards Alicia and then you before they averted their gaze. “Has she? I…didn’t think she cared, honestly. I thought she hated me, actually. She looked like she wanted to kill me the two times I’ve seen her.”

“Cassandra always looks like she wants to kill someone.”

Charlie snickered and apparently decided that they didn’t need anything else from this location. Adjusting their hold on their basket, they made their way to the checkout station, the blonde woman behind the counter straightening her posture when the three of you approached. Charlie sat their basket down on the counter and began pulling out items for the cashier to scan.

“Back again, are we?” The woman behind the counter asked as they examined the items in Charlie’s basket.

“Yeah, forgot to grab some things the first time. Funny, considering that this…” Charlie trailed off as they pulled out a pack of gauze. “Is what I actually came in here to get the first time.”

Charlie delivered the lines smoothly, their voice deep and rich like honey. It was a lot more colorful, more meaningful than the tone she was using to speak to you and Alicia. Your friend must’ve noticed it too because she glanced at you out of the corner of her eye causing you to shrug, just as lost. You couldn’t tell if Charlie was purposely flirting with the cashier or if they naturally spoke like that way but regardless the cashier smiled a little bashfully.

“It happens to the best of us.” She offered somewhat coy as she placed the items into bags. “I’m glad you came back…to the store. We appreciate your company.”

Charlie smirked with a lot more confidence than anyone had a right to own as they eyed  the empty store behind them before placing their gaze back on the woman, eyebrow quirked in amusement. “We?”

The woman flushed red as you and Alicia exchanged glances again, Alicia trying her hardest not to laugh at the cashier’s expense. “Uh, yes. We. The company because of your money…and me, as well.”

“Well, I’m glad that I came back, too.” Charlie smiled at the cashier, they’re eyebrow raising higher almost suggestively at the woman who only blushed harder and struggled to scan the items. You were almost embarrassed for her as you watched her pick up the coins Charlie handed to her while they took their bag and moved to stand out of the way. “You can keep the change.”

Alright then.

The cashier offered an embarrassed thank you to Charlie as she began to scan Alicia’s items, the blonde woman not offering the same sentiment she offered Charlie. It didn’t take long for Alicia to pay and the three of you were walking out of the store and continuing down the road.

“So you just be flirting everyone, huh?” Alicia asked as you trailed behind, your head swiveling back and forth as you paid close attention to your surroundings.

“Nah…” Charlie denied before tilting their head in thought. “Sometimes, but whether I’m serious about it or not depends on who I’m talking to. The cashier? I wasn’t flirting with her.”

“Right, right. You just be smiling and telling any cashier to keep the change then?”

To your surprise, Charlie continued to answering, not at all concerned about the fact that a near stranger was asking them halfway invasive questions. “If I have change left might as well let them have it. What imma do with 12 lei?”

Despite not being able to see their face, you could tell from their tone that they were teasing, purposefully avoiding giving proper answers to Alicia’s questions.

“What about Cassandra?” Alicia continued, ignoring Charlie’s lightheartedness. “Were you serious when you were flirting with her or were you just playing?”

Charlie stopped walking and ducked inside a store, Alicia on their heels. You rolled your eyes and walked inside as well, noticing that the inside of the place resembled a hardware store.

“You know what?” Charlie decided as they began to engage in some obvious window shopping. “Yeah, I was. As serious as I could.”

Alicia sputtered, incredulous. “As you could be? Dude, Cassandra isn’t really the type to play games. Are you into her or not?”

“Why’s it so important to you? Are you and her close or something?”

“I care about her.”

Charlie paused in front of a row of wood, their throat bobbing as they glanced away from Alicia’s scrutinizing gaze, a wave of nervousness seemingly washing over them. “I…don’t know, okay? Like I said, I’ve only met her twice. Maybe, I guess? I don’t know her all that well, other than the fact that she likes to trespass and destroy other people’s property. And that she eats people. I’m not really into that sort of thing, you know? I don’t think she’s interested in me at all so it doesn’t really matter how I feel.”

You ran your finger alone the edge of some unsanded wood, trying decided whether or not you wanted to give yourself a splinter. You wondered briefly if you should speak up and inform Charlie about Cassandra’s growing interest in them. Under normal circumstances, watching two people dance around one another instead of confessing how they felt was very draining and frankly quite annoying. However, these circumstances were anything but normal and you decided against it. One, it was none of your business and two…what Cassandra told you a few days ago had been in confidence, a sense of trust that she had been able to build with you and you didn’t want to do anything to betray her. Cassandra would come to Charlie in her own time and in her own way.

“She’s just not used to people flirting with her.” You offered, pushing your finger against the splinted wood until it broke the skin. Immediately you pulled your hand away and stuck your bleeding finger into your mouth.

“Right.” Alicia agreed, eyeing Charlie critically. “I’m still surprised that you had the balls to flirt with a Dimitrescu daughter in the first place. The fact that she didn’t kill your days a lot.”

“To be fair, I didn’t know she was part of the family until after everything happened. It’s funny you say that though, because I really thought she was going to end me.” Charlie replied, reaching up to scratch the back of their neck as they kept walking. “Especially when she visited me again a few weeks back, that was…something. But look, I think she’s pretty and interesting but I’m not gonna waste time on someone who clearly doesn’t care. I’m sure she has bigger things to worry about.”

“Bigger things? That girl does nothing but restore weapons and hunt.”

“Cassandra restores weapons?”

“Yup. And I heard that you make weapons. Are you seeing what I’m seeing?” Alicia asked, her hands pressed together like she was putting hypothetical pieces together. “You’re skilled at making swords or whatever and using them and you’re strong as hell? Oh trust me, Cass is gonna be all over you whenever she pulls her head out of her ass.”

Charlie smiled bashfully and took a moment to answer. They picked up something off the shelf and examined it, though you could tell that they weren’t at all interested in the box of fishing hooks they had acquired. “Maybe. I won’t hold my breath, though.”

Charlie and Alicia continued walking with one another, staying near the front of the place while you migrated away from them, moving towards the sections that held various tools and small devices. Hammers and nails, wrenched and screwdrivers, baits and locks…locks? You stopped in your tracks and walked backwards back towards the various bolt locks for doors. Hm…that looked useful. Maybe you could get one and lock yourself in your room, maybe nab some wood and nail it over the entrance to prevent anyone from coming in. The idea was enticing.

You glanced to your left and right, checking to make sure no one was nearby before grabbing a bolt lock and stuffing it into the pocket of your pants. You nonchalantly moved back towards Alicia and Charlie, finding them standing near the exit, apparently waiting for you.

“What else do you do, Charlie?” Alicia was asking, smiling at you before leaving the store. “Other than make swords and act like a flirt.”

Charlie shrugged their shoulders as they held the door open for you so you could leave, the three of you continuing your exploration of the village. “I don’t only make swords. I make different things like nails and hammers. Swords are just my favorite. But I also like reading and collecting. I also enjoy trying different foods.”

“Hm, interesting. Do you like flies by chance?”

Charlie gave Alicia a weird look as the three of you ended up walking into what was clearly a bookstore. The air in this place was quiet, a few people looking around the rather spacious area. Alicia made a beeline towards the music section of the store, leaving you and Charlie to speed walk in order to catch up with her. You found Alicia thumbing through a book that contained a number of music notes on each page.

“I think Bela would like this.” Alicia murmured as she put the book underneath her arm and and looked through another book full of musical scores.

“Who Bella?” Charlie whispered, mindful of the serene atmosphere while readjusting their grip on their various bags.

“Bela. She’s my girlfriend and Cassandra’s sister.”

Charlie blinked. “Sister? You’re actually dating one of the Dimitrescu daughters?”

“Yeah, I’m actually surprised too. It’s not the weirdest thing that’s happens in the castle. Like, you’ll never guess who [Y/N] get to fuck every night.”

You blushed deeply as Charlie looked at you, their lips parted as they whispered, “Are you dating the third daughter? I know there’s three of them.”

You nearly gagged while Alicia only cackled, earn a few looks from the nearby shoppers.

“Close.” Alicia replied, using her book to fan herself. “Nah, she’s dating her mom.”

You cringed internally at the wording as Charlie said, “You’re dating Lady Dimitrescu? Why?”

You couldn’t help but to scowl at the intensity of the question, like the idea of being with Alcina was impossible to comprehend. “Because we understand each other.”

“But isn’t she like…” Charlie gestured around as much as they could with bags in their hands. “Don’t she eat people? I know I haven’t lived here all that long but I’ve heard about what she does. You’re just…fine with that?”

You clenched your jaw, irritated by the fact that your morality was being called into question again. “Yeah, I’m more than fine with that.”

“That’s…I want to say that’s pretty fucked up but then again, I was just talking about how I kinda like Cassandra so I’m not tryna be a hypocrite.”

“Good, because it’s a lot more complicated than you would think. A lot more.”

“I believe you. So if you’re dating Lady Dimitrescu can I just ask how tall she is? Because I’ve heard she’s massive but I’m not sure.”

“You know what a refrigerator looks like?” Alicia asked.

“Yeah?”

“Imagine three of them stacked on top of one another.”

Charlie snickered and returned their attention back to you. “Okay but I’m still lost because how does something like that happen? I mean, with the things I’ve heard about her…it’s hard to imagine someone like her caring about anyone or anyone caring about her.”

You bristled at the words and shoved your hands into your pockets, the bolt lock cool against your fingers. “She cares a lot more than you’d might think. She just has to know you, she’s been through a lot.”

“I guess. I don’t know her so I can’t say nothing. It can’t be that simple, though.”

“It wasn’t.” Alicia interjected almost absentmindedly as she went back to looking through her book. “[Y/N], tell them how you spent two months flirting with Lady Dimitrescu while painting her portrait.”

Charlie raised an eyebrow at the new information. “You’re a painter? Are you good at it?”

You were growing increasingly uncomfortable with the amount of attention you were receiving and you shuffled your weight from foot to foot. “Yeah. I’m alright.”

“She’s amazing! Her work looks realistic as hell, like someone took a picture. She’s just being humble.”

You glanced behind you and towards the exit of the store, wishing desperately that you could just walk through them and make your way back to the castle. The conversation about your artwork only reminded you of your inability to create and it weighed heavily on you, like an anvil was chained around your neck. When you glanced back, you found that Alicia and Charlie had engaged in a new conversation and you took the opportunity to slip away and mindlessly walk up and down the aisles.

You wandered the store and picked up various items, trying to read the label with your limited knowledge in Romanian before putting it back. Eventually, you found yourself in the car back corner of the store, looking up at your small reflection in the circle mirror that hung from the ceiling, angled so that you could see the entire store. You saw Alicia and Charlie near the front, looking at something that you were unable to make out. You looked over near the register where the cashier was leaning over, elbows pressed against the register with his head in his hands, looking so incredibly bored, no doubt counting down the hours until his shift ended. You looked towards the far left and saw someone sitting in the middle of the rows reading peacefully. You then looked towards yourself, you figure slightly deformed like you were gazing into a funhouse mirror. You tilted your head from left to right, wishing that you could see better but unfortunately the mirror was too high off the ground.

Then you saw it. You looked beyond your reflection and directly behind you, your blood turning to ice as you stared into the eyes of a familiar blonde woman, one that you hoped you would never have to see again in your life. Every muscle in your body tightened as that familiar cold breeze brushed horribly against the back of your neck. You whipped around so fast you nearly fell. But Miranda was nowhere to be seen, nothing to indicate that she was there other than the stench of death permeating the air. That didn’t aid well in your suddenly tense muscles, the sweat building up on your forehead, the inability to breathe properly. You were painfully aware of the tightening in your chest and the sparks of electricity shooting from your fingertips.

Fuck, not now. Not right now.

But there wasn’t anything you could do to stop it. She was here, Miranda was most definitely here and standing less than a foot behind you, stalking and baiting her prey. But why? Why couldn’t this woman leave you alone? Hasn’t she done enough already? You couldn’t see her but you could feel her all over you; her breath on your face, her fingers tightening harder and harder around your throat. Your own hands came up to your neck, clawing at your skin as you tried to fight off her iron grip, oxygen unable to enter your body. You needed air, you needed to get out of here.

Stumbling your way through the bookstore, you made your way to the exit, panicked breaths ailing you as you struggled to walk down the narrow road. You jogged until you found a deserted alleyway and moved in, your heart pumping so rapidly you could practically feel the blood being filtered throughout your body. You clutched your chest and leaned back against the wall, sliding down the stone roughly as you crouched down. You chest was constricting, tighter and tighter and tighter until you could hardly breathe, the breaths you did manage to find coming in sharp and uneven.

“You’re okay.” You choked, nearly swallowing your tongue as you leaned forward until your chest touched your thighs. Your entire body felt like it was about to burst into flames. “Y-you’re okay…you’re…okay…”

When was the last time you truly felt okay?

You squeezed your eyes shut tight, trying to ignore the negative thoughts swirling around in your head. “I’m good…I’m okay…”

You can’t be this foolish to truly believe that, can you?

“I’m not foolish!“ You whispered frantically as you tried not to think about it, think about what happened.

But it wasn’t about what you were thinking. It was all that you could see. Miranda was there! You knew that she was! You could hear her bone chilling laugh now, hear the wind whistling past your ears so loud, so indescribably cold. You couldn’t forget it, Miranda wouldn’t let you…your own mind wouldn’t let you as you saw everything happening to you again, once more feeling like you were actually there.

“[Y/N]! [Y/N]!” You heard you name being called from somewhere over the horizon, like the clouds were somehow calling for you. You blinked as you continued falling, your screams becoming lost with the wind as you began bracing yourself to crash, to splatter, the break over the raging waters below.

“[Y/N]! What’s wrong? Stop moving around!”

“What’s wrong with her? What the fuck?”

You were forcefully pulled out of your spiral as Charlie and Alicia materialized into view, the two of them looking at you with matching looks of concern. “Are you okay? What the fuck just happened? Why are you yelling and screaming?”

“I…” You felt an overwhelming sense of dread, you’re entire heart falling until it crashed into the pit of your stomach. You were overwhelmed, overheated, overstimulated and you jerked away from Alicia hands as they came toward you, your back slamming back into the stone behind you.

“Are you okay?” Alicia voice came through and you glanced at her, her features blurred like she had taken a photograph while she was moving. “What happened? We’ve been trying to calm you down for like fifteen minutes.”

Fifteen minutes? How? The whole thing felt like it lasted only one minute max. You couldn’t help but to be embarrassed by the entire ordeal. This was supposed to be a nice outing with a friend, or rather friends, and this happens. How could you even begin to explain this mess, your seemingly assured actions?

“Can we…” You swallowed and stood up on weak, shaky legs, using the wall behind you as a support to keep from collapsing. “Can we go? I wanna go back to the castle.”

Alicia looked disappointed “Yeah, sure just let me pay for my stuff first and we can head back.”

“I got it.” Charlie insisted, standing up. “You stay with her.”

Charlie jogged out of the alley and back into the store while Alicia stayed with you on the ground, her eyes burning every inch of your skin that it came across. You’re breathing was still ragged but at least now you could take in full intakes rather than choppy puffs. The sense of dread and hopelessness still soaked into every muscle of your body though and it didn’t seem keen on leaving anytime soon.

It would be so easy for you to take the pain away.

“[Y/N]?” Alicia asked. “Are you alright?”

You shook your head, much too preoccupied with your own thoughts to be upset at the ridiculous question.

“Dumb question.” Your friend acquitted. “Do you need anything? Any way I can help you?”

“I wanna go home.” You whispered, your voice so soft that even you had trouble deciphering what you just said.

“Huh?”

“I want to go back to the castle.” You repeated with a slight amendment.

It didn’t take long for Charlie to come back, multiple bags in tow. Putting all the bags into one hand as they approached, they used their now free one to offer you help on getting back to your feet. You stared at Charlie’s hand before declining it and deciding to stand up on your own, using the wall as a support to keep you from falling back down as your embarrassment shifting into irritation; towards Alicia for asking you if you were okay when you clearly weren’t, at Charlie for offering their hand to you like you were some kind of helpless, broken child, towards yourself for allowing this to happen to you again, for being unable to hold it together for a few hours and jumping at ghosts and apparitions…for these thoughts to continue to dictate you…control you.

“You’re going back to the castle right? I’ll see you two around, I guess?” Charlie asked, giving you a look that was so pitiful that it almost made you want to punch them. Pity, sympathy, you didn’t need any of that. What you needed to do was get back to your room and replace the lock on your door. “Hope you feel better.”

You walked off without a proper goodbye, not wanting to waste anymore time than you already have. You and Alicia walked back to the castle in silence, the tension in the air so thick you could almost believe that you were trying to breathe through a thick smog. Your movements were both slow and sluggish, like you were attempting to swim through syrup. You walked languidly, eventually falling a few steps behind your friend, your steps sluggish and uncoordinated as you kicked up dirt and dust, more than a few rocks being scattered around due to your actions. You kept your head down as you focused solely on making sure you didn’t trip, placing one foot in front of the other, left right…left, right, your black boots already covered in a fine layer of dust and debris. You positioned your tongue between your teeth and began to chew on the muscle, a bit more harshly than strictly necessary as you tried to contain the darkness and despair that gripped your heart and threatened to pull you under, all while trying to ignore the fact that Alicia had now slowed her own strides so she was walking next to you, your steps now in unison.

Your ear began to tingle and burn as you felt your friend’s gaze lock onto you and you didn’t need to look at Alicia to know that her lips were quivering, mouth twitching almost sporadically as if she were fixing to say something but couldn’t formulate the words. You knew that she wanted to question you, wanted to ask what the hell happened back there but you didn’t want to talk about it, not with her, not with anyone. You didn’t even want to talk to yourself about it. All you wanted was to go back to your room and barricade yourself in, locking the door behind you, the window in front of you and walls around you to wallow in the isolation…the safe solitude of your room. At least there you would know what to expect, at least then you’d know what to prepare for.

“[Y/N]…” Alicia began after a moment.

“I don’t wanna talk about it.” You stated abruptly, shutting down the conversation before it had a chance to get off the ground.  You snapped your head up to look straight forward, willing your legs to move faster in an effort to run away from the conversation. Left, right, left, right…Alicia wouldn’t understand what you were going through so you didn’t see any benefit in wasting your breath on it. However, that didn’t keep you from thinking about it. Your stomach was still churning as your pulse thumped in your throat and you’ve taken to clenching and unclenching your fists just as an excuse to give your hands something to do. You heard Alicia sign behind you but you didn’t bother to acknowledge the sound, you only had one goal in mind.

Just get to the castle.

It didn’t take too long for you and Alicia reached the castle doors, your friend going ahead first and pushing the door open, holding it for you to walk through. You stepped past the threshold without thanking Alicia and nearly stomped through the hall of the four before climbing up the stairs that lead to the main hallway.

“[Y/N].” You heard Bela’s voice call the moment you reached the top and you glanced up towards her, watching as the woman leaned slightly over the balcony as if  she were trying to get a better look at you. Out of the corner of your eyes you noticed Alicia stiffening as she came to stand next to you, she too staring up at the blonde as if she hadn’t seen her in days. It vaguely occurred to you that it had, in fact, been a few days for her. Apparently deciding that she wasn’t close enough, Bela burst into her flies to quickly meet you on the ground floor.

“Hey, Bela.” You greeted once the girl rematerialized, trying your best to keep the dejection and irritation out of your voice as you took in her appearance. She seemed…okay, for the most part. She was wearing her normal black cloak but this time her hood was pulled low and covering her hair completely, very unusual for her, or rather to you at least. Her lips were also stained with red, blood decorating her entire mouth, cheeks and jaw, a look that you haven’t seen on the woman in a while. Her normally bright gold eyes looked more than subdued, like storm clouds rolling in front of the sun, an imminent and dangerous thunderstorm brewing in the horizon.

“Hi, [Y/N].” Bela greeted, her eyes completely focused on you and hardly sparing Alicia a glance. “Mother’s in the library, she’s asked that I summon you whenever you returned.”

“Okay. Thanks.”

The blonde nodded before tilting her head and looking over you in concern. “Are you okay? You look exhausted.”

You nodded quickly, fingernails digging into your palm. “Mhm, just tired.”

You felt Alicia glance at you momentarily but if she had something to say she failed to do so. Bela only nodded, determined to keep her attention on you. “You should get some rest soon. Mother has told us that you weren’t feel well lately.”

You tried to keep the confusion at a minimum as you reached up to your forehead and tugged on your bandana, the fabric damp from the sweat it had collected throughout the day. “I’ll try. After I see your mom.”

Bela nodded again and only then did she finally give Alicia a glance, one that lasted no more than a millisecond before turning to leave. However, before she was able to do you, Alicia dropped her bag, the contents nearly spilling out on the floor as she blurted out, “Bela, hold up. Can we talk? Please?”

Bela’s back visibly stiffened before she slowly turned back around, her face shifting from the concern she expressed for you to a stubbornness that you could only describe as debilitating. From your peripheral you saw Alicia stiffen again, her hold on her book tightening as she swallowed so hard you could hear the saliva trickling down her throat.

Bela rose her eyebrow in question. “Talk about what exactly?”

“You know what.” Alicia stated, nervousness seeping into her voice. “About us and about what you told me.”

The blonde’s chest rose slowly, as if she were trying her best to contain the beast you knew she contained, her jaw squared and clenched as she blinked once before shaking her head dismissively. “I have things I need to take care of right now. This is not the time for this conversation, especially not in front of [Y/N].”

“Like you actually care about what she hears or not? This ain’t about [Y/N]. When are we gonna have this conversation? It’s been four days, Bela. When are you gonna talk to me?”

“I’m speaking to you now, am I not?”

Your friend huffed in irritation, dropping both her arms in barely concealed frustration, her book hanging loosely between her fingers. “You know what I meant.”

You stood off to the side as the two women stared each other down, your eyes moving back and forth between them like you watching the world’s most intense tennis match. It was almost comical watching this stand off play out, especially considering that Alicia was nearly a foot shorter than Bela but you didn’t have it in you to laugh. Your own fingers twitched as you were adamant about staying out of this particular battle, highly doubting that your input would be warranted or even enough to persuade either party into speaking to one another in a proper, private fashion.

“I can’t talk to you about this right now.” Bela murmured, glancing away momentarily before seemingly collecting herself and keeping her eyes on Alicia.

“Then when?” Alicia asked, dark eyes hard as she took a brave step forward. “Because from the way you’ve been avoiding me I don’t think you want to talk about it. Avoiding me? At your big age? You’ve been acting childish about this whole thing.”

“Childish? The way that I feel about you is childish now? No, Alicia, what’s childish is that way that you don’t seem to understand that we’re supposed to be honest with one another about how we feel.”

“The fuck are you…I was being honest! I’ve been honest the whole time, what are you talkin’ about? What, did you want me to lie to you and myself and just hope that one day I would magically return your feelings?”

Bela’s nostrils flared, lightning flashing behind the clouds. “I’m not doing this. Not now and especially not you acting like this.”

“Like what? When are you gonna sit and talk to me about this. Four days, Bela. Fucking four! I mean, damn, did you forget that we’re still in a relationship?”

“Are we?”

The words pierced through your ears and your eyebrow shot up to your hairline in shock as Alicia took a step back as if the force of the words physically assaulted her. You wouldn’t be surprised if they did. Alicia’s face was frozen, her eyes unblinking and lips parted as if she still had yet to process what exactly had just been said. It took maybe a moment or two but eventually her shoulders dropped, her entire posture declining until she was about two inches shorter. You couldn’t look at her anymore and you turned your attention to Bela. Her own eyes were wide, her lips parted and twitching as if she wanted to take the words back but her face remained hard and somehow expectant as if she were truly waiting for an answer to that question.

“Are we…” Alicia repeated, her voice on the verge of cracking as her arms swung helplessly. “Are we not?”

Bela didn’t respond, not verbally. She glanced down at the floor, her head twitching slightly as if she were on the verge of shaking her head but was having a difficult time translating her thoughts into actions. You remained still, holding your breath, knowing that you could do nothing but hold your breath as Alicia’s body visible jolted, her heart hammering in her chest, beating much to fast in anticipation for an answer.

“Bela…” Alicia tried again, voice uncharacteristically quiet and watery. “Are we still together?”

“I have to go.” Bela stated abruptly, turning around fast. Rather than continue the conversation, the blonde turned into her flies and disappeared through the nearest vent, leaving you and Alicia standing in the hallway. It was silent, your eyes focused on the spot Bela had once been standing in before you turned to Alicia, trying to think of something, anything to say.

“She’s gonna break up with me.” You heard Alicia whisper.

“She’s just hurt right now.” You tried to console. “She didn’t mean that.”

“Bela doesn’t do things unless she means them.” Alicia murmured, staring straight in front of her as if she were in a trance, her shoulders somehow dropping further as she held her book tightly. “She’s gonna leave me…and for what? What did I do wrong?”

“You didn’t do anything wrong. You can’t help how you feel or don’t feel and she can’t either.”

Alicia continued to stare into space, her eyes unfocused. You weren’t sure if she was listening to you or simply just hearing you but after a long minute she finally turned around, absolute devastation overtaking her features. Her eyes, while still unfocused, were also gleaming, tears gathering in their wake and threatening to spill.

“Alicia?” You asked, the shorter woman’s demeanor beginning to scare you.

“What?”

“Do you…want to talk?”

Alicia shook her head slowly, paused halfway through the motion and snapped her head forward before bellowing, “She so…fucking Christ, she’s so fucking stubborn!”

Your eardrums thrummed at Alicia’s sudden intensity, the sound of her voice seemingly amplified and shaking you violently to the core and putting you on high alert. She kept ranting, “She can’t be fucking for real right now! That was the first time I saw her in days and that’s what she has to say? ‘Are we in a relationship?’ What the fuck, I don’t fucking know, you tell me!“

“I told you to wait until she was ready. She loves you but you don’t love her.” You reminded, seemingly unhelpfully but you continued by saying, “I’m sure anyone would be hurt by that, I know I would be. Bela just needs time. Pushing her right now isn’t gonna help either of you.”

But your words only angered Alicia further, the woman turning towards you quickly, her eyes narrowed and set ablaze, the tears in growing yet unable to douse them. “I don’t need a fucking reminder, [Y/N]! I know that but how long am I supposed to wait for? Weeks? Months? I don’t have time to play these kind of games. And I never said that I didn’t love her and I also never said that I couldn’t! Not really! I’m not ready for that yet, why can’t she understand that!?”

Calm down, don’t yell, don’t yell, don’t yell…

“She’s just upset.” You tried again.

“So am I!” Alicia insisted hotly, throwing her hands up. “And she’s not the only one either! She’s not the only one hurting! I’m not the bad guy for not feeling a certain way! I don’t understand why she or you don’t get that.”

You scowled, your irritation flaring your again though this time you were unable to keep it at bay. “First off, I never said that you weren’t hurting. All I’m tryna say is that you need to chill out and wait for her to come to you. Then you can tell her everything that you need to say.”

Alicia shook her head harshly and dropped her arms, the tears beginning to fall though you could tell she was still holding them back. The dam was leaking. “Chill? Nah, fuck that, I’m done waiting. Ain’t we supposed to talk about this kind of shit? Ain’t we supposed to communicate? But now she wants to hide and I don’t got time to be chasing her. We’re not kids! But I guess it don’t matter. She doesn’t know if we’re together? Well shit, I don’t know either, I guess.”

“What does that mean? Don’t you want to work things out?”

“No shit! I want us to work but obviously she’s not tryna do that! And honestly, why fight for it if she’s already made up her mind? If she wants to break up then maybe we should.”

You shook your head in defiance. “You don’t mean that.”

“Don’t tell me what I do and don’t mean!” Alicia exclaimed before sniffing, her tears gathering on the tip of her chin and falling to the floor as she crouched down to snatch up her discarded bag, the crinkling like static in your ears. “Like you care anyway. I want us to work and for that to happen we need to talk. I didn’t mean to upset her but she dropped that confession on me and…fuck, I want to love her too, I’m just not there yet. All I want is some time but she doesn’t want to give me that. She doesn’t respect me.”

Despite your best efforts, you couldn’t seem to calm Alicia down. Meanwhile, your irritation was beginning to boil into full blown anger the longer Alicia continued yelling at you. Or maybe herself. You weren’t sure. All you knew was that her voice was scratching as the base of your skull, like worms burrowing their way into the dirt and it was growing more and more painful by the second. You weren’t even sure if Alicia wanted comfort or not but before you could even begin to ponder the best course of action, your friend wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her shirt and walked off angrily, tossing the book she had gotten Bela onto the nearest table before climbing up the stairs, her stomps heavy against the marble floors. You continued watching until Alicia disappeared from your sight before deciding to make your way to the library, not giving yourself a moment to calm your own inner turmoil as you went.

You almost found it funny how despite not being able to personally relate to the drama between Bela and Alicia, you could still understand both of their perspectives. Through the fire burning the back of your throat, you understood Alicia because she was right, you couldn’t force yourself to feel an emotion you didn’t possess, whether that be love and happiness or pain and rejection or any given one in between. Love itself was a tricky subject, arguable the most complex emotion, probably due to the fact that it was a choice, not necessarily a feeling, though past actions and emotions could change the outcome of said choice. And it wasn’t one that should pick on a whim, no, it was one that people should make wisely. You knew that deep down Alicia did love Bela, the woman just wasn’t sure just yet and that was more than okay. She didn’t have to make a decision just yet.

That being said, you understood Bela’s perspective as well. You could only imagine the heartache she was currently going through right now; someone that she allowed herself to vulnerable with, someone that she shown a softer, more caring side to, someone that she truly loved, not feeling the same way about her. It was a pain that a lot of people could relate to and for Bela to seemingly have to deal with it again, having her heart broken for the second time in a row? It wasn’t uncommon but just because you’ve been poisoned once doesn’t mean it wouldn’t hurt the second time around.

You hoped you would never have to experience something like that. Fortunately for you, you were far from making the decision of loving anyone at the moment, your mind not allowing you to feeling that particular emotion. Did you love? Sure. You loved your family, you loved your friends, but that was a familial type of bond, platonic. You were capable of feeling that…mostly. That wasn’t the issue. No, you were having a difficult time loving yourself if you were being truthful. It showed in your inability to take care of yourself half the time, showed in the fact that you’ve hardly been showing up for work, showed in the fact that you kept having these dark, intrusive thoughts that you had no intention of pondering or even getting help for. Who could help you anyway? You didn’t even deserve it.

You shook your head, that familiar pit of despair opening in your chest again. Maybe one day you would unlock it, unlock that feeling of being deserved, whenever you didn’t feel like a walking corpse every waking moment. You didn’t believe that, of course but who knows? Only time would tell but right now you were still trying to figure out if time was working against you or in your favor.

As you dragged your feet down the hallway, you focused on the air in front of you, you’re mind turned from Alicia and Bela to Miranda and your near breakdown from earlier. The thought of that woman caused a reaction instantly, like dry wood igniting from the smallest of sparks. Your breathing was coming in hard; long and deep, like you had just finished running a marathon. You could feel the adrenaline coursing through your body though you tried to keep your boiling anger in check, your body jostling with every beat your heart as your clenched and unclenched you’re fists at your side, knuckles paling from the sheer tension. Saying that you were angry was a massive understatement, livid didn’t feel appropriate either. It wasn’t enough. You couldn’t think of an emotion that could encase your embarrassment, your shame, your fear and hatred. Embarrassed from what happened in the village, shame from the fact that you were still dealing with the fallout even though everything happened weeks ago, fear and hatred of the woman who did this to you-

“Hey, [Y/N]!”

You screamed, your heart spasming painfully against your ribs as you jumped and spun around on your heel, your eyes falling onto a familiar, cackling redhead. Another wave of adrenaline coursed through your body at the sudden scare, your entire system nearly going into shock though it didn’t take long for your fright to turn to irritation that only evolved to complete vexation. Daniela’s laugher bashed against your eardrums, the sound mocking. Why, why the hell did she always do this to you? Too often would Daniela sneak up behind you and startle you to the point where you were nearly paralyzed only to gawk and laugh at your reactions, as if causing you a heart attack was the highlight of her day. But this time felt different; you’ve been frightened by Daniela before but never to this degree and the fact that she was laughing, fucking laughing at your expense only made you feel that much more embarrassed and you couldn’t hold it back this time.

“What the fuck is wrong with you!?” You yelled, unable to hold back your irritation.

Daniela’s snickering was cut short at your rage, something she’s definitely never seen from you before. “Sorry, I just haven’t seen you in a while and I heard you-“

“No, be serious, is there something wrong with you? Because you do this stupid shit all the time! Stop fucking coming up behind me and scaring me, it’s not funny!”

The redhead stared at you with wide eyes, stunned. If you had been thinking clearly you would’ve been mirroring her expression. You’ve never spoken to a Dimitrescu like that, hell, no one in the castle would have dared to raise their voice at any of them, much less swear in their general direction. However, it was difficult to stifle your outburst and biting down on your tongue was all you could do to keep from lashing out completely. You and Daniela were engaged in a staring competition, your gaze hotter than a desert and your competitor’s cool and subdued. You watched as her mouth opened and closed, opened and closed again before her face fell completely, eyes filling with confusion and bewilderment, like no one had ever spoken to her that way before. A small ping of guilt and regret began clawing at the back of your throat but you swallowed it back down harshly. The staring lasted a few more moments before Daniela melted into her flies and stormed off in the direction she had come from.

Well done.

You blinked rapidly, you entire body heated like you were burning on a stake. Through the flames you were aware of everything, could feel everything; the blood rushing in your ears, the acid in your stomach bubbling and threatening to creep into your throat and burn your esophagus, the deeply disturbing thoughts that echoed off the walls of your skull…all of it was happening at once and you couldn’t focus on one specific sensation, couldn’t control anything that was happening around or within you and that only added to your dilemma. Glancing around, you scowled deeply as continued your forgotten journey through the halls, running up the stairs three at a time and moving quickly through the castle. Just get to the library, see what Alcina wanted and get back to your room. However, once you reached the top of the stairs, you paused in your strides when you noticed that the door to Alcina’s wine room was open, a room that you had passed by a number of times over the years but never gone in. Through your anger piqued curiosity. Why was it open? How long had it been like that? Glancing around to make sure no one was around, you walked towards the room, placing a hand on the door and pushing it open before walking inside and shutting it.

You took a moment to marvel at the room in all of its unexplored glory. The first thing you noticed was the sheer number of wine bottles decorating each wall of the room. You craned your neck from left to right slowly to take all of it in. There were a variety of vintages hung up like they were on display, not unlike deer heads you’d find in the home of a hunter, though you found the bottles to be a bigger testament to an achievement. These must’ve been Alcina’s most prized vintages, ones that she would only drink should a special occasion occurred. Or if she simply felt like having a meaningful drink. You stepped further inside, turning your head towards a table that rested against the wall across from you. On it held an open bottle of wine and a used wine glass sitting next to it, not dissimilar to the one you normally filled for Lady Dimitrescu during breakfast and dinner. Walking over to it you picked up the bottle gingerly as if it were a newborn baby, the bottle large and heavy in your hands, though not as heavy as you would have expected it to be. You turned the bottle around to read the label—you simply wanted to know what brand this wine was—only to find that it was written in Romanian. Of course.

You glanced behind you towards the exit to make sure that the door was closed and that you were truly alone. You then examined the room again, goosebumps rising on your arms as you felt a cold breeze pass over you and skin in your skin. Your fingers clenched around the bottle tightly, almost protectively. You were alone so why did it feel like you were being watched?

This is a room full of ghosts.

All of these bottles…each of them represented a life lost, blood drained and bottled, curtesy of the Lady of the castle. Each one of them contained a soul that would forever be confined to the walls of this inescapable prison. If you focused hard enough you, could almost feel the desperate scratching and clawing of the victims trying to find a hold strong enough to lead them to peace, could almost hear the twisted wails of pain and agony, though whether they were coming from the blood infused wine bottles or your own subconscious remained a mystery. Still, despite the unsettling noise…you found that it didn’t bother you, not as much as you knew it should’ve. You couldn’t decide whether or not it was a good thing that you were standing in this forbidden room, completely unbothered by the walls whispering to you or if this was simply another sign of your crumbling mind. It was probably the latter. Countless deaths occurred around you and for years you had lived in feared that you would end up just like this, another vintage on the Lady’s rack, displayed and forgotten until Lady Dimitrescu decided you were worth drinking, consuming all that remained of you. The bottle grew heavier in your hands, grew warmer and you looked down at it, blinking slowly as you peered through the uncorked top.

Drink it.

You scowled almost instantly. “Why would I drink it? It’s blood and alcohol.”

What would drinking this even solve anyway? You were angry, oh you were so fucking angry but it was deeper than that; you were pessimistic, guilty, regretful and overwhelmed. You were filled with so negative emotions that you had no idea how to properly deal with, emotions that seemed to be getting worse with each passing day despite how hard you tried to hide it from others and from yourself. The part that crushed you the most was…you didn’t have an outlet. You couldn’t drift away into your sketchbook, couldn’t talk to your best friend about anything unless you wanted to revisit your time on that cliff, couldn’t even fall asleep because your mind and body just wouldn’t let you rest, like you were stuck in overdrive with no way to override the controls. All you wanted, all you craved was an outlet. You desired a quiet, empty mind more than anything else, even if you haven’t experienced true silence since before you saw your mother for the last time.

Drink it…

“Okay…” You finally relented, breaking through a resolve you’ve upheld for the better part of a decade. “Okay…”

You didn’t know why you felt so compelled to listen to your less than positive thoughts. You’ve never felt the urge to drink before but now the idea of doing so was…intriguing to say the least. It was already open, already sitting out in the open, it wasn’t like you did this yourself. You’d just have a sip, just to know what it tasted like and you’d never consume another drop. That was enough to convince you. Lifting the bottle and bringing the lip of the bottle to your mouth, you rested your lips against the top before pulling it away, your tongue darting out to lick the liquid that lightly coated your mouth. That taste…rich grapes with a metallic kick to it, like you had placed a penny in your mouth. Your face contorted in confusion at the concoction, unable to decide if it tasted absolutely amazing or absolutely disgusting. You stared down at the bottle, the idea of stopping not even crossing your mind as you brought the bottle back to your lips. You tilted it up slowly, criminally slowly as the liquid began filling your mouth. You didn’t swallow it, not yet. Instead you put the bottle back down and held the wine in your mouth, swishing and swirling the liquid around with your tongue until you were able to determine how it tasted. It was…good, warm, metallic and yet somehow nowhere near what you had expected it to taste like.

You swallowed the wine all at once, a large gulping sound emitting from you as you brought the bottle back up and took another sip, this one much longer, more drawn out, the liquid coating your tongue smoothly as you drank…and drank…and drank. You drank as if you had done this before and kept going until your stomach bulged, begging for you to relent. And you did. Pulling the bottle away from your lips, your mouth tingling as the smell of blood spilled from your mouth and floated upwards, the scent invading your nostrils and the taste overpowering your tastebud as you shakily sat the bottle back down on the table.

You suddenly felt absolutely disgusted with yourself as the reality of what you’ve just done sunk in. You just drank alcohol, one of the thing you had vowed many years ago never to do but worse than that…you drank blood, human blood and all you could think about was how delicious it was. What the hell was wrong with you?

You took a step back, your tongue buzzing as you quickly left the room, slamming the door shut behind you as you resumed your trek to the library, you unnecessary detour slowing you down. As you walked, you mentally berated yourself for your sheer stupidity and lack of self control before the sound of subdued sniffling in the distance caught your attention. Somehow you knew it was Bela without having to really think. As you walked further, the sniffling only grew louder and the sound of another voice came through, this one more calm and comforting.   Was that…Cassandra? It had to be. The girls must’ve been close by for you to hear them this clearly.

You made it to the library and didn’t waste a moment before pushing the doors open. As you stepped in, you were suddenly hit with a nearly overpowering wave of nostalgia. It’s been a while since you’ve been in this room but you were able to remember each event that took place clearly as if you had been inside a few hours prior; Alcina returning your sketchbook and commissioning you, you coming in here to sketch her as she complimented you—even now, when she talked about how good you smelled you still weren’t entirely sure if she were talking about the scent of the product in your hair at the time or your blood—you serving her lunch and apologizing for your lack of communication. The last reminder made you cringe. Even though it hadn’t been that long since you’ve had that conversation you wondered if you were doing better. Probably not.

You walked into the far corner of the room and was greeted by the Lady herself.

“Where have you been?” Alcina asked, worry evident in her hard tone. The sound was off-putting and you immediately stopped in your tracks.

“I was in the village with Alicia.” You replied slowly, feeling as though you were being interrogated. “She wanted to spend some time together, buy a few things.”

The Lady nodded, her hat casting a shadow over her eyes. The action looked relieved, though you weren’t sure if it was more to reassure herself or you. “And what of you? Did you buy anything?”

You shrugged and reached into your pocket to pull out your lock. “I got this.”

Alcina raised an eyebrow as she squinted to examine the item. “A lock?”

“Yeah. Tired of people just barging into my room whenever they want.”

You tried to joke but you couldn’t generate the humor required to make it work so it sounded serious, strained even. Probably because it wasn’t a joke. You pushed the lock back into your pants and glanced away. You felt Alcina study you closely like you were some sort of science experiment. The comparison made you crease your brows in annoyance.

“Is that really the reason you got the lock?” The Lady asked.

You shook your head. “No. Well, yeah but no. It would makes me feel safer.”

“Mm. I suppose this means that you will no longer be sleeping in my chambers?”

“Um…I don’t know, I haven’t really thought too much about that.”

“Do you no longer feel safe here?”

No longer? If you were being honest, you’ve never felt safe in this castle, at least not until recently and even then that had only been because you were dating Alcina. You never said it out loud but you were certain that came with at least some degree of protection, provided that the two of you stayed together. But to ask if you no longer felt safe here? No, you didn’t. You hadn’t felt safe anywhere, not now and especially not since your encounter with Miranda. The only way you would be able to keep yourself somewhat sane is if you could at least ensure that you and only you could enter your room at any given moment. It wouldn’t make you feel that much safer but it was a start.

Deciding that you didn’t want to get into that conversation with Alcina right now, you scooted over and closed the space between the two of you, leaning your head against the Lady’s arm, the fabric of her dress rubbing against your temple.

“You smell of wine, darling.” Alcina commented after a moment. “I was under the impression that you didn’t drink.”

“I don’t.” You replied quickly before wincing, the stench of blood and alcohol burning in the back of your throat. “I mean, usually I don’t. I found a bottle and I just…wanted to try it.”

“I assume the bottle was one of mine considering that you also smell of blood”

The guilt came rushing back and you hung your head. “Yeah…the door to your wine room was open and I went inside, saw the bottle and just…took a few sips. It was alright.”

Alcina’s face took on an expression of deep concern at your admission. “I’m certain that it was but those bottles are not meant for human consumption. You know as well as everyone else what the main ingredient my wine is and while I am no longer too familiar with human dietary needs, I am certain that blood is not a part of your daily nutrients. Do you feel any different?”

“I feel fine.” You offered before shaking your head, not at all satisfied with your response. “Well, maybe not ‘fine’ fine but I feel the same. A little warmer but that’s it. I’m sorry for drinking your stuff, though. I’m not sure why I wanted it but…”

The Lady waved you off. “Don’t worry, darling. I’m not upset with you for that. However, I would advise against consuming it again. I can only imagine hazardous effects it would have on you and I would prefer not see you sick again.”

You couldn’t agree more with that statement. “I won’t drink anymore. And I’m good, don’t worry.”

You glanced up at Alcina and the look on her face told you that she would be doing exactly that.

“I believe you.” Alcina concluded as she leaned over to place her book down on the table in front of her. “If you are feeling well enough I think the two of us should talk.”

You tilted your head thoughtfully, part of you hoping this would be the moment where Alcina told you whatever it was that seemed to be on her mind for the past few day, whatever it was that her and Mother Miranda had discussed. “Talk about what?”

“You. If you’d like and are comfortable, I think we should talk more about your…condition.”

Your condition. You nearly rolled your eyes and you pushed yourself away from Alcina, kicking your boots off and placing your feet on the edge of the couch. “My condition.”

Alcina watched your movements closely as she straightened herself, her own barriers coming up. “Yes. I know that things for you have been difficult-“

A chuckle bubbled in your throat and you let it out unintentionally, the sound low and lacking actual humor. Lady Dimitrescu continued to peer at you, pausing in her sentence before continuing. “If I am to help you I need a better understanding of what it is you’re experiencing.”

“Yeah so I actually realized something: I really don’t want to talk about that right now.”

The corner of Alcina’s lips twitched, her eyes still examining the side of your head as if she were choosing her words carefully, like she were concentrating hard on disarming a time bomb, the looming threat of an explosion imminent should she cut the wrong wire. She always looked at you like that and while you did appreciate the concern she harbored for you, it was slowly grinding on your nerves the way she seemed to be over watching you. Alcina had been doing this ever since you told her about your struggles the first time, ever since her conversation with Miranda, whatever it was that entailed. Sure it had only been a few days since then but the change was as clear as the Lady’s over exaggerated size. It was as if she were walking on glass around you, carefully skirting around and clearing the mess with her toe in order to create a path.

“I understand, darling. I know this must be difficult for you.” Alcina’s eyes took on a softer, eager look, almost like she were excited to have a conversation about your mental health. You felt your jaw clench at her insistence and turned in your seat so you were now facing her.

“What happened to ‘if I’m comfortable?’” You asked sardonically.

The Lady’s lips pressed together in a firm line, her once soft eyes now hardening as she stared at you, the brim of her hat low over her face. Right, that made sense. Lady Dimitrescu was not used to people questioning her, not used to people defying her. Of course she wanted to help you, of course she wanted you to speak only if you were comfortable. The problem was that she expected everyone to respond in a way that she wanted, completely foregoing negative alternatives, the negative being anything that she didn’t want. That was something you didn’t understand about Alcina, how could she be so caring and yet neglect what you wanted at the same time. You felt your nose flare in irritation but this time you were able to swallow it back down as you scooted backwards, your back hitting the arm of the sofa, legs now sprawled out in front of you with your right one hanging off the edge.

“What do you wanna know?” You sighed at the fact that you were being forced to talk about something you didn’t wish to discuss. Still, if you gave in and provided Alcina the answers she was looking for then maybe you two could get through it quicker.

Alcina’s face softened slightly, her expression now a little kinder yet still reserved. “I only want to help you, draga mea, please understand that. We can start by talking about why you yelled at my daughter.”

Of course she knew about that and you flushed from embarrassment, glancing away. How did it slip your mind that you had to deal with the consequences of your actions? “Honestly, I’m surprised that you didn’t ask me that the second I came in here.”

“Had you been anyone else I doubt you’d be standing here right now.”

Oh trust, you knew that. If you were anyone else you wouldn’t have even thought to raise your voice towards Daniela. “She came up behind me and scared me, touching my arms and I don’t like that. I don’t like not knowing who’s there and not being able to…I just don’t like being snuck up on and she does it all the time. I didn’t mean to yell at her, though. I know I shouldn’t have but I was already upset and before that I just…”

You trailed off for a moment, the reminder of your panic attack from earlier flooding you mind. “I just wish she would listen when I tell her not to do something. I mean, I know I can’t tell her what to do but…”

But what? Did you think that just because you were dating Alcina that suddenly you and the daughters were friends now? No, you and Daniela had been on somewhat friendly terms before that but still…you would’ve thought that the redhead would have at least taken your feelings into some consideration.

“It doesn’t matter.” You amended. “I’ll apologize to her soon.

To your surprise, Alcina remained silent. She didn’t berate you like you thought she would and the silence that followed quickly became deafening. When you looked over at Alcina, you saw that she was staring off to her left, the back of her head facing you. Could she not bare to look at you right now? What was she thinking? You wanted to ask but a lump settled in your throat and you couldn’t get a word out. Fortunately for you, you didn’t get the chance to overthink as the Lady finally spoke up.

“You were saying something about earlier today.” Alcina continued as she leaned back and crossed one leg over the other. “You were upset, yes? What happened?”

The change in conversation caught you off guard and you blinked slowly before saying, “I was…I just got a little overwhelmed.” You stated as evenly as you could, not wanting to tell her about your panic attack or the fact that you swore you saw Mother Miranda standing behind you, haunting you. This wasn’t the conversation for that, at least, that’s what you decided to tell yourself. “It was pretty warm out and I already don’t like heat so I was getting irritated.”

“Do you prefer the cold?”

“Yeah. That doesn’t mean I like when the temperature is in the negatives, I mean I enjoy cooler weather. I’d rather be cold than hot.”

“It has been a while since I’ve encountered someone who prefers the cold. My daughters thrive in warmer climates.”

“I’ve noticed. They’re always inside whenever winter hits. I get not wanting to be cold but they take it to the extreme sometimes.” That was putting it mildly. You’ve heard various stories about what happened to maids who dared to open a window during the colder months. “Why do they do that?”

“They have their reasons.” Alcina stated before quickly moving on. “So you despises the heat, is there anything else that tends to disturb you?”

You pursed your lips, both at the change in subject and at the fact that Alcina believed that the heat was something that truly bothered you. It was funny really, you knew what the woman was asking and heat wasn’t going to be the thing that killed you.  “Um…loud sounds in general scare me, especially when I’m not expecting them. Being touched or grabbed without expecting it causes me to react…very dramatically, I guess. Daniela is the worst with it because she has a habit of coming up to me out of nowhere. That’s why I yelled at her earlier.”

“I will ensure that Daniela is more considerate when she speaks with you.”

You shook your head at that. “Nah, I’ll tell her. I need to apologize to her anyway. But also…um…okay, so I know this is gonna sound weird, maybe even dumb but it really bothers me. More than that, it…I can’t think of the word for it but the sound of running water? I can’t stand it. It doesn’t matter if it’s coming from the sink or from a river, I can’t…the sound of it reminds me of…well, you know what I’m talking about. It makes doing basic shit hard, like showering or even washing my hands.”

“I don’t find that ridiculous, I can understand why the sound would be an issue.” The Lady sympathized. “Does this mean you avoid showers at all costs?”

“Yeah. It’s not the shower or even the water itself, I don’t think. Still water and a light stream coming from a sink doesn’t do anything. It’s really only the sound of it, especially when it’s rushing. But still, water is…being around it is a challenge, that’s the best way to describe it. It reminds me of the waterfall and…”

You thought back to just before your flashback in the hallway a few days ago, right before it actually happened when you had saw that maid that looked just like Mother Miranda. You knew that it wasn’t her, at least…you hope that it wasn’t. But the way you reacted to that figure…so visceral that it ripped a hole in time and put you right back on that waterfall…

“I…” You knew that you needed to tell Alcina about your flashback but you just…you just weren’t ready to talk about that yet. It was too soon, too fresh, the scab having yet to form. Alcina did tell you to share only what you’re comfortable with and that flashback had only been a one time thing. If you were lucky it wouldn’t happen again. You hoped that it wouldn’t, even if you knew deep down that was only wishful thinking. “I think that’s it. Loud noises and water. If there’s anything else I’ll let you know.”

Alcina nodded slowly as she looked at you to take in your words, concern practically seeping from her pores. “Thank you. And your sleeping situation, may we discuss that as well? I know that you hardly sleep and that you tend to leave the room in the middle of the room.”

You sighed, bending your left enough for you to rest your forearm against it. “I started having nightmares. They’re quick but they’re always about what happened and I can’t fall back to sleep after that. I’m too high strung to go to sleep anyway so I’m always tired now. And with me leaving the room…well, in case you’re wondering, I don’t leave because I don’t want to be next to you, I do, it’s just…it’s stifling sometimes, just sitting in a room and not doing anything. I feel confined. I’m already stuck in my mind since I always think and overthink, I don’t want to feel that way physically so that’s why I leave. I promise, it’s not because I don’t want to be with you.”

She hadn’t asked about that specifically but you wanted to reassure her anyway. It seemed to have a positive effect on the Lady seeing as her expression softened further. You took comfort in the fact that you were able to make her feel a bit better, even if this conversation was beginning to drain you the longer it went on.

“I’m not really sure what to do about that.” You continued on, reaching up and tugging at your hair, the strands breaking when you tugged at them too hard. “But I’m sure that I’ll figure it out.”

There is nothing to figure out.

Your thoughts made your jaw clench, your teeth nearly cracking underneath the pressure as you let your hand fall against your thigh as Alcina spoke up. “I will look for solutions that might help. And what of your panic attacks? The one you had a few days prior was startling. I understand that when you’re reminded of what happened you start to panic. Is there anything else that else causes it?”

“Just reminders.” You muttered, leaning your head against the back of the couch, your eyes glazing over until you saw three Alcinas instead of one. “The water if I hear it or even myself if I think too much about it.”

“There must be ways to combat that.”

You scoffed. “What? You gonna lock me in your room or something? Hide me away from everything for the rest of my life.”

Your eyes focused again and you met Alcina’s gaze, the much taller woman appearing as though she were seriously considering your comment. You scowled. “Stop doing that.”

Alcina’s own manicured brows furrowed. “What am I doing?“

“Being careful with me. I don’t want you to treat me like I’m broken.” You stated firmly, not wishing for your girlfriend to pity you. “I’m not fragile and I’m not someone who needs to be taken care of.”

“I understand that but, darling, you must agree that you’re…”

You gave the Lady a glare so hot that you could feel your retinas burning. The look was more than enough to cut her off, a feat very few could achieve. “That I’m what?”

Alcina’s jaw clenched, her mouth falling into a firm line as she said, “You’ve been through quite a bit and-“

Sneering and rolling your eyes, you quickly scooted over to the edge of the bed and jumped off, moving to pace back and forth in front of the table. You needed to move around. “You don’t gotta remind me, Alcina. I know that I’ve ‘been through a lot’ but I don’t need you to protect me, okay? I can handle this.”

No, you can’t.

“I also don’t want your sole focus to be on just helping me either.” You continued, stopping in your tracks to look at your partner. “I know you have other things to do. And listen, despite me not being there all that much lately, I still want to do things with you. None of that has changed. I still want to be with you and…I don’t want to be the reason why we don’t progress.”

You waited until Alcina’s golden gaze locked onto yours. “If I need to stop or need anything at all I’ll let you know, okay? Until then, can we please talk about something else?”

Alcina was silent for a moment, her eyes unblinking as she stared at you for a long moment, then two. You wished you could tell what the woman was thinking but her face was steel, her features set in a way that prevented you from reading her. Eventually she nodded. “I understand. I apologize.”

You waved off the apology. “Don’t, you’re good. I appreciate you checking up on me, though. Thank you.”

An awkward silence filled the room, neither of you sure what to say.

“How was your time in the village?” Alcina asked again, her tone more curious than confrontational.

You shrugged, crouching down to tie your laces. “It was alright. Like I said, I went with Alicia because she wanted me to go with her. We talked about a few things and we met with Charlie.”

“Ah, yes, Charlie. How were they?”

“They were fine. They met Alicia for the first time and we all talked. Actually, they talked, I just listened honestly and we…left after a while.”

You stumbled over the last part of the sentence and you knew Alcina noticed. Before she could question you, you moved around the table, the side closest to the Lady and perched on top of it. “Alicia wants to do my hair tomorrow but I have to wash it and do a bunch of other stuff to it and I don’t want to. I need to do something to it, though. I can’t keep walking around like this.”

You ran a hand over the top of your afro, ashamed with yourself for not taking care of it. You used to take pride in the upkeep of yourself. Why couldn’t you find the motivation to do it anymore? You stared down at your shoes again, your legs hanging in the air as you heard Alcina ask quietly, “May I?”

You paused and looked up, Alcina’s fingers twitching from her place on her knee. “May you what? Wash my hair?”

“Yes, only if you’d like. I understand if you refuse but I also know how important your hair is to you.”

You tilted your head as you pondered the offer. You couldn’t deny the fact that you were a little more than weary. You’ve never had anyone offer to wash your hair before, other than the few stylists you went to over the course of your life.

“You are very much welcome to decline.” Alcina continued at your hesitation. “However, we could use a bucket and fill it with water. You wouldn’t have to step foot in a restroom.”

You took another moment to think about it. You’ve never did a wash day without actually being in the shower but you really did want to have your hair in some sort of style. Even if it were only because you didn’t have the motivation to take care of it, at least it would be tucked away, protected against the elements. You wouldn’t have to worry about it.

You nodded. “Yeah, you can wash my hair if you really want to.”

“Are you comfortable with that?”

“Yeah, I am.”

Alcina smiled softly, one of those smile only reserved for those she cared about, reserved for you and for some reason the gesture tugged on your heart like the string on a violin, the melody that was playing only causing pure sadness to flood your entire body.

You jumped off the table and moved away to allow Alcina to push off the sofa and stand at her full height. The Lady looked down at you and offered you her hand, giving you the option of whether or not to take it. You were ashamed to admit that it took you a moment too long to decide whether or not you wanted the contact before you reached up and grabbed it, palm pressed against palm, fingers sliding along warm skin as the two of you managed to find a comfortable hold, Alcina’s massive hand easily encompassing yours. Once the two of you were secure, Alcina lead you out of the library, bypassing a number of servants—some of who were less than thrilled to see you gliding around with the Lady of the castle. But you didn’t care about them. How others felt about your relationship with Alcina Dimitrescu was one of the few things that failed to bother you, failed to worry or concern you unlike a number of other things. You felt more at ease now than you were a few hours ago and you were going to try you damndest to hold onto the feeling because you knew that it would be temporary and the negative thoughts would come roaring back with a vengeance.

Everything is temporary; your relationships, your desires, your life. What would you do if it were all take from you?

Well that certainly didn’t last long.

You and Alcina didn’t stop by her chambers like you had expected. Instead, the Lady lead you toward the servant’s hallway, various maids nearly tripping over themselves as the two of you approached, no doubt confused and terrified as to why the Lady was down here in the first place. She very rarely came down here and when she did, it was normally to deal with an insubordinate maid herself. It was funny actually, seeing her in here, and the two of you kept walking until she stopped right outside of your room.

“I’ll be only a moment.” Alcina promised before ducking inside, leaving the door open a crack.

Through the crack you could see Alcina slouched over, nearly bent at a ninety degree angle as she entered your bathroom. Opening the main door to walk inside, you pulled out the door knob you stole and tossed it onto your bed, making a mental note to change the locks later whenever you got the chance.

It didn’t take long for Alcina to return and the two of you left the hallway, two familiar blue bottles in the Lady’s left hand. Your shampoo and conditioner, you realized. Both of you moved through the hallways and made it back to Alcina’s chambers quickly, the taller woman ushering you inside before ducking back out again. As you waited for her to return, you went ahead and removed your shirt, knowing that it would most likely get soaked should you keep it on. You grimaced at the sweat stains pooling in the armpits and you dropped the shirt to the floor. Your bandana was next. Reaching behind you and untying the knot, you unwrapped the fabric from around your head and let it fall the the floor as well, moving over to Alcina’s vanity where you climbed onto her bench in order to get a better look at your appearance. You stared at yourself in the mirror, wondering how exactly you got here. Your hair was flat on all sides from the bandana why the top was frizzy due to the humidity. You would’ve laughed any other time but right now you were devoid of joy.

The door to the room opened before you had a chance to criticize yourself further. You turned your attention towards the sound and watched as Alcina crouched inside, a bucket full of what you presumed was water in one hand and…what was that? Combs? In the other. You watched as Alcina bounded over, her eyes trailing over your torso before setting the bucket down on the floor near the bench and the combs on the edge of the vanity.

“Would you mind guiding me, draga?” Alcina asked, her face taking on a look of embarrassment probably due to her lack on knowledge of how to do your hair as she rolled up the sleeves to her dress and sank down to her knees in order to reach you properly.

You found the gesture sweet. She really did want to learn. You turned and laid back again the bench, letting your head hang far, but comfortably, off the edge. “Get my hair wet first. Drench it, actually. It’s gonna take a bit before it’s completely wet.”

Alcina nodded, shuffled to get comfortable and then reached down into the bucket to grab what sounded like a cup. Of course, that made sense. Tilting you head back further, you gazed at Alcina upside down as she raised the full cup and poured water over your hairline, warm liquid working it’s way through your roots, across your scalp and down your hair where it trickled back into the bucket, the plops ringing in your ears. You closed your eyes as the cycle repeated itself over and over until your hair felt heavy and it took you another minute or two to realize that Alcina had made no effort to move on.

“You can touch my hair.” You stated, your arms folding across your chest. “You’re gonna have to if you plan on washing it. Just be careful, there’s a lot of snags and tangles. You’ll have to take your time.”

You didn’t get a response to that and you opened your eyes, a smile playing at the corner of your mouth as you watched Alcina’s eye dart around questioningly. It was as if she heard what you said but was still unsure of where to start. Right, she really needed to have her hand held with this. Bracing yourself, you sat up, warm water rushing down your neck, back and chest before soaking into the fabric of your bra.

“Usually I start by sectioning it.” You instructed. “I use my fingers and create four sections like this.”

You showed Alcina what you meant by bringing both of your hands to your hair and pulling the strands apart as gently and slowly as you could until you reached the nape of your neck, your hair now parted like a river. It wasn’t easy, trying to force knots and tangles apart never were, but you managed, even if you were ripping at your hair at some points. “After that, I section again from ear to ear. I don’t have any rubber bands or clips to keep the sections apart so we’ll just have to try to keep them clean ourselves. You can use the comb to help your if you want.”

Alcina picked up the comb, the item tiny in her hands. You watched out of the corner of your eye and through the mirror as the Lady stared down at the tool, confusion evident on her face before she handed it to you. Taking it, your face just as perplexed, you watched as Alcina raised her hand and unsheathed a talon from her middle finger, the claw the same length as the point of the comb. She caught your gaze in the mirror.

“Is it okay for me to use this instead?” She asked.

You nodded and using her nail, you remained still as Alcina used it to part your hair, gently pulling apart the tangled strands. You had thought the Lady using her talon to part your hair would feel at least a little uncomfortable but that wasn’t the case at all. It wasn’t like a blade cutting through flesh, though you could still feel the razor sharpness of the tool. It actually felt nice in a way that you couldn’t explain. Alcina parted your hair with precision, well, with as must precision she could muster given that this was her first time as she slowly worked through tangle after tangle and sectioning your hair.

“Ow.” You jerked your head away when Alcina tugged at a knot a little harder than necessary.

“I’m sorry.” Alcina apologized, pulling her hands away immediately. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, just don’t tug too hard. Use more water to help you detangle it easier.”

The Lady obliged and after a few more reassurances that you were okay, she continued her work, trying her best to section as pain free as possible. It wasn’t long until she was finished and when the parting was complete, Alcina grabbed your bottle of shampoo and poured some into her hand. It was more than some, it looked to be half the bottle to you, a large amount that you personally wouldn’t have used but you weren’t about to correct her. Rubbing the liquid into her hands, Alcina took out one of your sections and began to apply the soap.

“Try to really focus on my scalp.” You suggested. “Use your fingertips to scrub it gently.”

The moment you felt Alcina’s nails dragging across your scalp you closed your eyes, the feeling somewhat euphoric. You’ve been to salons before and the stylist you normally frequented would scrub your scalp and it always felt amazing but Alcina’s fingers? Absolutely magical, if a little unorthodox. She scrubbed slow, her movements calculated and intentional. Her gentle scratching felt more than good, it felt incredible and you felt your eyes roll to the back of your head the longer she continued.

“Am I doing the correctly?” Alcina asked and you nodded as best as you could, soap slipping slowly down your neck.

“You’re doing great.” You murmured as the room shifted into silence, nothing but the squelching of soap and the drip of water filling the air as Alcina worked each section languidly. Eventually she had you lean back again so she could rinse your hair, sitting you back up again so you could instruct her on how to properly condition it. Use as much as you need and detangle and once you were finished explaining, Alcina got right to work. It wasn’t long until you felt something damp land on your torso and you blindly reached down to grab whatever it was, bringing it to your face. When you opened your eyes, you noticed that it was a wad of your shed hair, a rather large wad that was, it was about the size of your palm. This much had had fallen from your scalp? And Alcina had only completed one section? You hoped that you weren’t losing hair, that certainly wouldn’t do anything positive for you.

It took a while until you felt Alcina rinse out each section slowly and thoroughly, clearly taking her time in getting rid of every sud. You heard the water drip back into the bucket and you found yourself being sat up. Immediately the water began to slide down your neck again, the now cool water sending shivers along you skin. Water got into your eyes and you reached up to rub it away. Alcina quickly stood up and rushed to her restroom to grab a towel and used it to wipe the water off your back before spreading the fabric out and placing it on your head. However, you reached up and pulled the towel off, much to the Lady’s confusion.

“Don’t dry my hair with that.” You stated, reaching for your hoodie and offering it. “Use this.”

Alcina gingerly took the hoodie. “You’re clothes?”

“Yeah, it’s better than a towel, for me anyway. Put it on my head and pat around, don’t rub.”

Alcina did what you suggested, her movements cautious and deliberate. When she pulled away, she took the hoodie with her and you shook your head slightly, hair completely covering your eyes and nose. Reaching up, you parted your hair like a curtain so you could see.

“Here’s some leave in.” You handed Alcina the bottle. “Use this first and detangle some more while you go.”

“This smells amazing.” Alcina commented as she opened the bottle, a smile, wide and full of longing forming on her lips. “I recognize this scent. You’ve used this before.”

“Yeah. I have different options to choose from but I usually go with this. My sister made this for me. The last time I used it was…after the dinner I cook for you and the Lords, I think.”

“I recall. You came into the library and smelled delightful.”

“Oh okay, so you were talking about my hair.”

Alcina’s smile turned into a smirk and she caught your gaze through the mirror. “Was I?”

Well now you weren’t sure. “Were you? I’mma be real, you were really suggestive and were getting real close to me…I didn’t know if you were talking about my hair or something else.”

Alcina raised an eyebrow in amusement before continuing with her work. “I might have been. I remember quite a bit of that evening, specifically the way you looked at me.“

The blush creeped up your neck. “You were teasing me and I wasn’t expecting that. I don’t know what you thought I was supposed to do. I low key thought you were going to kiss me. I wouldn’t have been mad at it.”

“I’m certain you wouldn’t.” Alcina agreed as you squeezed some more leave in into her palm. “And if I we are being honest, I wouldn’t have either.”

You stared at Alcina while she worked, her eyebrows furrowed and lips set in concentration as she tried her hardest to clean and set detangle your hair as gently as she could. Her hands were large, massive even, she could easily grip the side of your head so you could only imagine how awkward it was for her to do you hair. Still, she tried—using her fingers to spread around the conditioner and remain as gentle as possible—and you greatly appreciated it, appreciated everything she was doing. It was all so strangely…domestic. None of your previous partners have done this for you and you strongly disliked having people touch your hair, especially without your permission. But Alcina had always been so respectful of your hair, complimenting your various styles, always reminding you to put on your bonnet, even going as far as to have a whole new one sewn for you…you trusted her to handle your hair properly, with the respect it deserved. You caught her eye in the mirror, the two of you just staring for a moment before you offered a small smile, the only one you were able to muster. Alcina returned it about half a second too long, her lips not exactly reaching her eyes, her irises slanted as if her mind were preoccupied. You wondered what she was thinking about.

Not you, that I’m more that certain of. She doesn’t care about you she cares about the idea of you. She’ll let you down sooner or later

“You’re doing a good job.” You offered in an attempt to shut down your thoughts and Alcina’s eyes darted to your own in the mirror. You watched as the Lady swallowed and gave you a tight smile, a light blush beginning to dust her cheeks as she continued.

“Thank you, darling.” She replied smoothly.

“Did you hear about Alicia and Bela? I’m sure you have but do you know how Bela told Alicia how she felt about her?”

Alcina hummed sadly as she pulled strands of your hair out from between her fingers. “Yes, I heard what happened though Bela has yet to inform me herself. It’s unfortunate that Alicia doesn’t reciprocate my daughter’s feelings.”

“She might, she just needs a little more time. You can’t force yourself to feel something, you know.”

“I suppose. I simply hate seeing my daughter so upset. She’s having a rather…difficult time accepting how Alicia feels. I’m afraid of her withdrawing again. This isn’t the first time this has happened to her.”

“She told me about her last girlfriend, a little bit of it about how she told her that she loved her and she just ran away or something.”

Through the mirror Alcina grimaced, as if she had swallowed something bitter. “I recall. I was never too fond of that particular maid and even today I still fail to see what Bela saw in her. She would have been dead sooner had my daughter never fallen in love with her. That servant never cared for her but unfortunately Bela refused to see it. As intelligent as she is, love does blind us all at one point or another, I suppose. There was no talking her out of her infatuation and when that woman disappeared, that was the beginning of a very rough time for Bela. I image that she believes the same fate will befall her with Alicia but I disagree. I understand that she is hurt and while it may remain for a while she will eventually talk to Alicia about how she truly feels.”

You were silent for a moment before asking, “Do you think they’re gonna break up?”

Alcina sighed, the fingers in your hair slowing, the movements less eager. “I sincerely hope they do not. I’ve never seen my daughter so happy and yet so distraught by the same person, even if it isn’t Alicia’s fault truly. I don’t want her to throw away what her and Alicia have. However, if she decides to end things, if she truly believes that is the best way to protect her heart then I will be there to comfort both her and Alicia should she want or need it. Neither of them are in the wrong, sometimes two people just happen to be incompatible no matter how well the relationship seems to be going.”

You knew what that was like, thinking you’ve found the person you were meant to be with only to find out later on that the two of you didn’t share the same vision. It was entirely possible Alicia and Bela were at two separate points in their lives. Despite their similar appearance in age, Bela technically had at least thirty years on Alicia but the problem was Alicia had the experience while the daughter herself didn’t. It was confusing for sure but you didn’t want to be dramatic either. It was a simple case of one person needing more time than the other.

One thing you knew for certain, throughout your years of knowing both women, was that the two of them were stubborn and when they felt a certain way and it was difficult to change either of their minds. You hoped that the worst wouldn’t come to Alicia and Bela, you thought the two of them were great for each other, it was simply just a case of one falling too fast and the other not falling fast enough. Hopefully they would work this out and if they couldn’t well…you would try to be there for both of them.

How can you do that when you can hardly be there for yourself?

You used your hand to push your hair back and out of your face, your strands damp and heavy with product. You lifted a lock of your hair and let it fall back down, hair hitting your shoulder and coming to rest. It wouldn’t do that when it dried but that was more than fine with you. You felt somewhat better now and you glanced over your shoulder.

“Thank you for-“ You were cut of by a sudden buildup growing in your throat. Alcina looked at you in concern before you opened you mouth and release a loud, thick, long belch, the force ripping past your throat. Once you finished, you let out a sigh, your breath smelling of blood and wine. You captured Alcina’s eye in the mirror, the Lady’s face a cross between absolutely shocked and absolutely disgusted. You smiled sheepishly.

“‘Scuse me.” Was all you could offer.

Alcina continued to stare at you until an amused smile spread across her lips, a deep chuckle coming soon after. “That was absolutely vile.”

“What, like you don’t do it?”

“Never.”

You only rose an eyebrow and the Lady only chuckled again before amending her previous statement by saying, “Only in private and never that loudly. Do you feel better?”

“I do. I’m sorry, I actually couldn’t stop that one.”

“No need to apologize, darling. I’m actually quite impressed with the force of the belch and very happy that you felt comfortable enough to do that in front of me.”

You stated with a genuine smile. “Partners, right? Anyway, before I interrupted myself I was gonna say that I really appreciate you taking care of me like this. It means a lot to me.”

“Of course. Thank you for trusting me enough to do this for you.” Alcina replied, using one of her fingers to push back a miscellaneous lock of hair falling back down in your eyes and blocking your view. “Your hair is a lot long than I originally believed it to me.”

“It’d be longer if I straighten it.”

“Would you straighten it?”

You tilted your head in thought. “Maybe a silk press but using chemicals to keep it straight? No. I love my hair like this in its natural state.”

“Do you have pictures of your appearance before you cut your hair? Or while your hair was straightened? I’d like to see them.”

You nearly blanched. “Yeah, no. You’re not allowed to see my hair that short even if I had the photos.”

Alcina snickered. “Am I right to assume your hair was very short at one point?”

“Very very short, I’m talking buzz cut. I just cut it off one day because I wasn’t happy with what my hair looked like before. My mom? Holy shit, she was shocked when I came home and my hair was gone. She even…”

You trailed off as your voice cracked, the memory of your mother overtaking you and making you more emotional than you thought you’d be. When was the last time you had spoken about her out loud? You were beginning to accept the fact that you would never get over her death, no matter how many letters you wrote and burned, the smoke getting into your eyes and stripping your throat of much needed moisture. You could feel that familiar sting coming on again now and you blinked away the tears as they began to blur your vision.

“Would you like to talk about her?” Alcina asked, her presence warm behind you.

You were quiet, so quiet and still like the statue in the village. “Not really. I just miss her, I’m sure I’ll always will. I wish I could see her again and just apologize for not being there.”

You’ll see her soon

“I’m sorry for everything that you’re going through.” Alcina asked. “May I touch you?”

You nodded and you felt Alcina shift as her arm slide around your torso to hold you close, her chest pressed against your back. Alcina placed her chin on your damp shoulder, irises gleaming as she captured your eye in the mirror.

“I’m certain she knows.” The Lady offered. “Your mother? She must know that you miss her. When I picked up your sketchbook the day you misplaced it, I looked through it. I saw the picture you had drawn of her. She’s beautiful.”

You nodded somberly. “She is.”

It took a while for either of you to speak, the two of you taking a moment of silence; you to mourn the memory and Alcina out of respect for you, it seemed. When you were done, you found Alcina’s gaze again, the woman staring at you deeply, irises darting around in what looked like deep thought. “What?” You asked. “Why you staring at me like that?”

Alcina blinked, seemingly bringing herself back to reality only to shake her head, blinking again slowly as the look evaporated from her face. “It’s nothing, darling. Hardly appropriate for the conversation at hand.”

“What’s up?”

Alcina was silent again before murmuring, “You’re beautiful.”

You only glanced downward, your fingers opening and closing, flexing when they got to the peak of the action. You didn’t feel beautiful, not at all and the fact that the most beautiful woman you’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting was telling you this…you felt so dejected, so horrible that you didn’t believe a single compliment she gave you even when you were certain that she was telling you the truth that only she herself believed.

“Thank you.” You forced yourself to accept and you looked back up and over to Alcina. “You’re the beautiful one, though.”

Another moment of hesitation, rather peculiar for the Lady. “Would I be wrong to ask if I could kiss you?”

Yeah, you would be. You didn’t say that, though. Instead, you responded by turning around in Alcina’s arms and pressing your lips to hers, her deep red ones soft and comforting. The two of you kissed slowly, languidly, as if the two of you had all the time in the world, like you two were the only people in the world and you wished it could be like that. But it wasn’t, it couldn’t be, not when it felt like there was another person in the room with you. You couldn’t explain it but it felt like you weren’t the only person experiencing this moment but you knew no one else was there. You slid your lips against Alcina’s, successfully deepening the kiss as you tried to ignore the feeling of…something creep over your exposed shoulders.

You’re going to lose her and when you do it’ll be all your fault

You pulled away from the kiss then, your breathing more than shaky as you tried to calm yourself. Alcina was in a similar state, though her pupils were dilated, her eyes flickering quickly from your own to your lips.

“How do you feel?” Alcina asked.

“I’m okay right now. Just tired. What about you? Are you okay?” You asked, wishing you could word the question in a much better way as your thumb traced over a worried line embedded in Alcina’s forehead. “I can tell that you’re thinking about something. Do you want to talk about it?”

Alcina’s eyes flickered and if you concentrated hard enough, you felt like you could almost hear her heartbeat quicken at what you thought was a very generic question. Despite your inner struggles, you wanted Alcina to know that if something was on her mind she could come to you. You could push down your own inner issues, put your own feelings on the back burner in order to help her out should she need it. You didn’t have to always be a burden, you could be an outlet too.

“I’m simply thinking about work.” Alcina replied coolly. “I’m working to reach this month’s quota though I’m unsure if I’ll meet it. I’ve worked tirelessly for the past few days and I’m still far from completion.”

“Hm, well if you need any blood for the wine you can have some of mine.” You offered with a chuckle. “How much do you need? A pint? A liter? I don’t know if I can give you gallon but we’ll see.”

Alcina only smiled at you, though it failed to reach her eyes. “I’m touched you would offer but I can survive without your assistance.”

“If you change your mind you know where to find me. Question: do other people around the world drink your blood wine?”

Alcina snickered at the question, clearly amused. “I doubt so, considering that isn’t the wine I sell, not very often at least. I do make normal, bloodless wine. That is the kind of send out.”

You tilted your head, curious. “I feel like I should’ve known that you make regular wine.”

“Possibly. You have been here for nearly three years, after all.”

You rolled your eyes. “Okay but I didn’t really start talking to you until over two years in so who’s really at fault here?”

Alcina looked towards the ceiling for a moment as if she were lost in deep thought. “I suppose you’re correct. I’ll just have to work harder to reach this month’s goal.”

“You’re always working hard. You need to rest and take care of yourself. It’s not like you’ll lose everything by the end of the month.”

Alcina’s expression fell so quickly you almost couldn’t believe that she had been laughing with you merely a moment ago. A hint of darkness fell over her face for the briefest of moments before she quickly fixed her face, resuming her once content demeanor. You had no idea what you said that would warrant a response like that but you didn’t get a chance to ask before the Lady continued to speak.

“I will rest, I promise….Will you be staying with me tonight?” She asked softly, hoping tinting her tone, a deep want filling her eyes as she waited for your response.

It’s been a few nights since you spent the night in Alcina’s bed and you could tell that the Lady missed your presence. You wished you could say that you missed her but you felt somewhat…safer in your room. Alcina never questioned it, she wasn’t even awake when you slipped out of her chambers but you knew she must’ve woken up every day, a deep disappointment spreading across her chest as she came face to face with an empty bed with cold sheets.

Still…you didn’t want to upset her. She deserved at least one night with you and you…you needed to at try to stay in bed, try to get some sleep. It was your fault that you could never rest comfortably anyway and it was only your problem to fix. So you nodded slowly, your damp hair sticking to your shoulder blades. You only wondered how long it would be before you slipped out of bed once again in the middle of the night.

“Yeah, I’ll stay with you tonight.” You whispered.

Alcina beamed at that, her entire face lighting up and it was almost enough to brighten the black hole forming in your chest. Almost. But not quite and all you could do was force a small smile before leaning forward and pressing your lips against the Lady’s again, hoping that it would be enough to keep you from collapsing within yourself.