Chapter Text
Maybe we'll meet again,
when we are slightly older
and our minds less hectic, and
I'll be right for you and
you'll be right for me.
But right now,
I am chaos to your thoughts and
you are poison to my heart.
- unknown
2013
Cas had been having memories lately. Good and bad ones. They came to him, sometimes violently and all of a sudden, sometimes slowly and caressingly like a dream. Flashes. Thoughts. Images and an aching longing for something - someone, he didn't remember. The badly heated up hole in the wall where he lived, and his full-time job at the gas station across the road, both kept him busy but still never fully satisfied. Although, who would be content with such a miserable life; a mere existance. There was a void, constantly present. It was there when he woke up in the morning and yet again forgot to remember to get a new light bulb. Alone. It followed him around the shelves when he cleaned and closed up shop for the night, alone. It pulled on his leg when he came home and crashed on the couch in front of the TV, alone.
He hadn't set his foot in Sunnyville, or even Kansas, for three years. It was hard to miss something one barely remembered. The street corners, stores and parks all felt so new. The only memories he had of living there were from his childhood, and he would have sworn that this was the first time he visited the place since then - if only he hadn't been told otherwise. If only he didn't recall moving away from here after the supposed traumatic incident. He remembered the thoughts that had gone throught his head on his way out the apartment door all those years ago. He had left his family. With no home and no source of income, he felt freer than he had in years. The whole world lay open at his feet - he could do anything.
When he had parked his car across from the town square, he stayed in his seat for a while, watching the calm stillness of the summer through his windows. A while back he had found a wrinkled, folded paper napkin with frayed edges, tucked down deep in the pocket of an old coat. It now rested unfolded on his jacket in the passenger seat. The worn creases where it had been folded, spread out like a thin square net across the words. He squinted his eyes down at it, as if he expected it to say anything more.
"To Cas' mom.
You don't deserve him.
Sincerely, Dean."
It was a squiggly hand-written thing; slightly more vague and crooked in some places, as if it had been written with the paper in someone's lap. Cas had read the note a thousand times, and every time he imagined it, he grew more certain that that was how the message had come into existance. But he had no clue by whom. Well, by this Dean, obviously, but Cas didn't know anyone with that name. At least not anymore.
Finally, he stopped glaring accusingly at the paper napkin, and opened the car door, daring to take a few steps along the concrete. He pressed the button on his keys and locked the car without giving it as much as a glance. The summer wind caressed his cheeks and played in his hair as he began his stroll up the street. He took the short bridge which crossed over a fifteen feet wide canal that whirled on through the park to his left. It felt nice, just walking, and even though he couldn't remember every turn, it somehow felt like more than just a childhood town. Like a dream. This was why he had come back; the small inklings.
"Hey! Ehm-... Novak, right?" a female voice said somewhere behind him.
He came to a halt outside of a hardware store and turned around on the pavement to see who it was that wanted to know. He had to peer his eyes and think really hard, but he still couldn't place that strong yet sweet, sunkissed face. She looked to be in her mid twenties, and so did her brown-haired friend with the bright eyes.
"Cas. Novak, yeah" he said.
"We've never met. I'm Lisa. Lisa Braeden." The beautiful dark-haired woman gave him a wide smile, flashing a row of shiny white teeth.
"Oh... Lisa Braeden... Right..."
"Dana Keel." The brunette gave him a smile as well.
"I think we went to- not the same school, obvioulsy. But my college was right across from the med school."
"Oh, I wish I had been that successful in school!" Dana Keel laughed.
They never stopped smiling.
"Forgive me" Lisa Braeden began and made something turn in Cas' stomach. "You were in the papers a few years ago." She furrowed her brows suddenly and in all seriousness. "Something about a kidnapping. It's hard to forget an article like that in a small town like this, you know. How are you doing?"
"Eh- Yeah..." he answered, unsure if it was true. How do you know if you're okay when you can't even remember what has happened? "I lost a few years worth of memories, but otherwise..." He shrugged once. He still wasn't sure if he should be telling these strangers all that much about himself.
"Oh-... I'm so sorry."
It was a little funny how people always felt the need to apologize for something they hadn't caused or even had anything to do with.
Lisa Braeden quickly brushed a hand against his arm in some sort of comforting gesture.
"How's it going?"
"They tell me I'm lucky. Could have been worse. I've gotten some back. Not alot, though." He shrugged again, not knowing what else to say or do. "So... How are you and Dean?" he asked as casually as he could, changing the subject to something. He had been filled in on alot that had happened, by the only person he had talked to after it all.
Suddenly he felt his face flush hot. He didn't know what to do with himself. He rolled a pebble around under the sole of his shoe and scratched his neck.
"Who? Winchester? Oh- No, we broke it off years ago" she replied with a laugh, conversationally, as if it was obvious. "Actually, he broke it off. I can see why now..." Her dark eyes gave him a strangely indecipherable look.
"Oh. Okay."
"Well, it is hard to think about you in college without bringing up your counterpart" Dana Keel admitted with a teasing nudge at Lisa. "Ruby once said she thought you two would make it in the long haul."
"Yeah, Ruby said alot of things."
"It wasn't just her, though. I mean, if the Dean and the Lisa couldn't make it, what hope was there for the rest of us?"
Cas suddenly felt like he was intruding on a private conversation, which was silly since the two women had approached him, and not the other way around.
"You married Richard" Lisa reminded her friend before turning back to Cas. She didn't catch Dana raise her eyebrows doubtingly. "It's just me and my rambunctious son. Ben. He's great. Three years old already. The father split when Ben was born, but- you know... Men! You can't live with 'em and you can't-... Well...!" She snorted with a half grin. "What're you gonna do, right?" She shrugged a shoulder and her grin faded into a soft smile.
"Oh... Yeah... Must have been difficult."
Lisa and Dana exchanged a glance.
"How do you mean?"
"I-... I heard Dean Winchester was kind of a-... a player" he said cautiously. His chest started to hurt.
"What?" She furrowed her brows again, uncomprehendingly this time. "I guess he could be perceived like... like that. But Dean never slept around. And I'm not making this up just to paint myself as the nice, understanding ex-girlfriend." She laughed at herself. "He told me everything. He might have been acting tough, but it was all talk."
"I didn't know him that well, but he seemed like a genuine, nice guy" Dana added.
"Yeah, he was. Is. Towards the end of us, he didn't even seem to wanna sleep with me. It's like we faded out into friendship." She gave out another laugh. "And I don't know why I just said that!"
Cas tried to smile, as if he understood and it was okay, or something. But her words shook him, for some reason. It was all so confusing, especially his own reactions. He could barely even remember why he cared. He had loved Dean once, or so he had been told. But he wasn't going to argue with Lisa Braeden, because he couldn't really remember if she was right or not.
"Well, Cas, I hope you'll be okay."
The two women started to pull away.
"It was nice meeting you!"
Then they smiled again, turned on their heels and continued walking. Lisa Braeden's dark hair swayed from side to side behind her, in pace with her steps.
Cas watched them for a moment before he let his eyes wander off over the street. Suddenly he locked eyes with a tall, brown-haired man in a white and red chequered shirt, arms rolled up to his elbows, unbuttoned to reveal a dark t-shirt under. He held a shopping bag in his left hand while his right had a firm grip on a big stroller with a sleeping child in it. They looked at each other for a second, standing on opposite sides of the street, until Cas ran across on a whim. He snorted shortly and stared at the man when he stepped up on the sidewalk and under the shadow of a sun blind, so relieved that he almost got tears in his eyes.
"Sam" he said under his breath.
"Cas?" Sam looked shocked, which really wasn't all that unexpected. "I haven't heard from you in years. Where have you been? What are you doing here?"
"It's good to see you too. Sam." He kept saying his name. It felt so good, saying it. Something familiar. He had no clue why he remembered this guy more than other people, but he didn't really care either. He was just so happy he remembered someone.
"Cas...?"
"I just-... " Looking at Sam, he forgot what he was saying. "Sorry." He shook his head and chuckled.
The big guy seemed to ease up by the second, smiling.
"Of course it's good to see you, Cas" he exclaimed before pulling Cas into a quick, tight hug. "How-..." He let go of Cas again and shrugged his wide shoulders, as if he didn't know what one was supposed to say when the person believed to have lost their memory and moved away for years, suddenly shows up just across the street. Silly Sam.
"How's Dean? Still working at the garage?" Cas asked, diving right into his most pressing questions.
Sam's eyes widened slightly.
"Oh- No, he doesn't live in town anymore."
"He moved away?" Cas furrowed his brows.
"Eh- Kind of... He bough a house, actually. Like two- three years ago." Sam sounded as if he still couldn't believe it himself. "If you take the south road out of town and follow it a few miles, there should be a sign leading in on a road to the right. It's out in Winds Hollow. Angel Bay house."
Cas nodded once, determinedly.
People walked past them on the sidewalk, talking, laughing. Birds were chirping somewhere nearby. The sun blind above their heads created a strong shadowed contrast to the sunshine on the pavement below their feet.
"I hope you'll come by while you're in town" Sam offered. "Jess would be so happy. I've got the same phone number."
Cas wasn't entirely sure who Jess was. All he knew was what he had been told, that she was Sam's girlfriend. He nodded in reply either way.
They hugged once more and Sam made Cas swear that he would call, before Sam was on his way again and Cas returned to his car. In his head he repeated the description Sam had given him of how to get to Dean's, while he drove. Take the south road out of town. Follow the road a few miles. A sign will lead in to the right. South road out of town. A few miles. Sign to the right. South, out, miles, sign, right. Maybe Dean was at work. Cas glanced at the clock radio. Okay, it was almost five in the afternoon, so maybe he was home after all. But he could still be busy. Cas started to feel stupid for showing up unannounced and he was just about to find somewhere to turn around when he caught sight of an old-looking, wooden sign pointing his way in on a narrow, dry dirt road to the right. Angel Bay house.
Without thinking any more about it, he blinked and turned in on the road which was lined by tall trees. A few minutes later the view opened up and the road ended on a gravel drive way at the edge of a huge, green lawn. In front of him rose a two-storey, pale yellow house with white window frames and a porch across the whole front. To the left he could discern an apiary; two wooden, man-made beehive boxes up on hive stands, both painted in a pale yellow colour that matched the house. They seemed abandoned or at least low on any bee activity. The grass lawn behind them went downwards towards a sparkling, sunny lake with a short, wooden pier reaching out from the shore. There was a forest stretching out behind the house, and to the right there was a garage, a henhouse with a ring-fence and next to it, a lonely, giant tree with two red ropes tied one above the other around the trunk not that far off the ground. The soft shine of the sun gave everything an illuminating glow as if he was watching it through a crystal glass.
He turned off the engine and suddenly dreaded this whole idea. His skin felt itchy and warm. Was this really such a well thought through plan? He didn't get much time to really change his mind because a figure of a man had appeared on the porch in front of the house. Cas wasn't sure from this distance but it looked like the man was wiping his hands on a kitchen towel. What Cas actually was sure of was that the man had seen him; they were staring right at each other, so turning around now would only be ridiculous. He took a deep breath and climbed out of the car. A sweet, warm scent of open water, wet paint, grilled food and freshly cut grass met him as he nervously and slowly began moving towards the man on the porch. This was it. This was where he would meet Dean Winchester for what felt like the first time - that is, if he was at the right house.
His stomach flipped up side down as he started to get close, and the man took the three steps down from the porch to meet him. He was actually really beautiful, like a roughly chiseled, neoclassical sculpture of an angel warrior, but less smooth and with some scruff on his strong jaw, freckles across his nose, wind in his dark-blond hair and more life in his golden green eyes. He looked shocked, soft lips slightly parted, eyes peering at Cas in the sunlight. They stopped a few meters apart and the man threw the kitchen towel over his left shoulder. A golden locket dangled in a chain around the man's neck. It looked a little out of place against the black t-shirt which revealed two strong, sun kissed arms. Cas had seen pictures - back then, before he moved, when Sam still tried to help him remember - but he hadn't expected this, the man standing in front of him now.
"Cas?" was the only word that came out of him. His voice was deep and rugged, rubbing Cas up all the right ways.
Cas nodded and ruffled his own dark hair a little, suddenly extremely self-conscious. So, he was at the right house then.
"Are you Dean...? Dean Winchester?"
They were both treading slowly, cautiously. The man's expression faltered almost imperceptibly for a second at the question, but regained control and nodded. Words visibly stopped themselves on his tongue, lips still parted. He seemed to fear he'd scare Cas away if he spoke, and Cas feared he'd scare himself or make a complete idiot of himself. This was Dean. This was the man he had loved - who had loved him. This was him and he was beautiful. Cas shrugged and moved around on the spot, nervously.
"What are y- I mean-... It's great seeing you... You look great...!" Dean stumbled over his words slightly and Cas didn't want that voice to stop talking. But he kept all those wishes to himself. "You remember?" It sounded like a hard question to ask aloud and Cas understood why. He didn't know where to start.
"I wanted to meet you" he said, tentative. It took a few more seconds for him to figure out what to say next - he just wanted to get rid of this tension. "Are you surprised to see me?" Cas dared to smile a little at this stranger and it seemed to ease him up because he didn't seem to be able to keep himself from smiling widely in return.
"I hoped you'd be back one day" his deep voice rumbled admittedly, soft lips still smiling.
They were silent for a few more seconds. Cas almost burst out laughing at the situation.
"So..." Cas began. "Beekeeping." He motioned over his left shoulder towards the pale yellow boxes. He couldn't remember if that was something Dean was interested in, but Cas found it interesting either way. Besides, he was ready to talk about anything to break the ice between them.
Dean chuckled.
"Yeah" he replied doubtingly and with a frown. "Someone told me they wanted to do that" he added. "I tried, but I wasn't very good at it. And I ain't got nobody to help me out. So if I want any goddamn honey I gotta go to the farmer's market like everyone else."
They both laughed lowly for a moment. It wasn't like Dean had said anything funny, it was just the whole situation that felt a little weird.
"You wanna come inside? I just made some potato and beef hash... if you're hungry" he offered suddenly.
Cas smiled politely.
"I don't want to intrude."
"You're not" Dean insisted quickly. He snorted, raking his fingers through his hair. "To be honest, man, I'm scared shitless right now." He took a deep breath, flashing teeth, chuckling, peering his eyes in the sunshine. He didn't seem scared. A little nervous maybe, but too comfortable in himself to be scared. It felt a little familiar.
"Really?"
"I don't want you to freak out, okay...? But there's actually someone I've been dying for you to meet." He turned around slowy with an excited gleam in his eyes, and went back up on the porch, disappearing into the house.
While he was gone, Cas searched the vague faces in his memory to see if he could guess who it might be. He couldn't pinpoint a single one, and a few seconds later Dean was back out on the porch with a young child in his arms. She was beautiful, stunning, and Cas could easily see parts of Dean in her. She looked to be no more than maybe a year old. Two bright, uneaven, short braids, a freckled nose and the bluest eyes Cas had ever seen. She grinned at them with honest and complete happiness in her eyes. There was a drool stain on her purple, tiny t-shirt.
"I think she looks more like her other dad, rather than me" Dean said in awe, smiling at the child in his arms. "Cas, meet Grace. Grace Mary Winchester. One of the first children created from two men."
"Grace?" Cas said faintly.
"A pretty name for a pretty girl." Dean kept his eyes on the tiny human in his arms for a moment longer before he looked up and met Cas' stare. "Have I freaked you out yet?" he asked with a nervous laugh.
"About what?"
Cas froze. He didn't know what to think or say or do or-
"Who's her other father?" he asked flatly. He felt his throat turning dry.
Dean turned his eyes back to Grace and rocked her a little back and forth. He clenched his jaw. His smile had turned sad.
"Dean?"
"You are."
Time stopped.
"Don't freak out!" he added quickly. "No pressure, Cas. I don't mean for you to drop everythin' and come take care of her, or anything."
The ground felt like it was pulled away from under Cas' feet. He faltered and swayed slightly as if he was going to fall, but he managed to stay on his feet. He had a child. A daughter. With this man- this Dean Winchester... This stranger... And now, there was this tiny person who consisted out of them both. Both their genes. Both their cells. Both their atoms. Together. Creating a new life.
"Cas? You okay?" Dean waited for a reply. "You wanna hold her?"
Cas shook his head quickly, vaguely.
"How?" he mumbled.
Dean swallowed.
"The doctor took a bunch of cells and stuff... from you, to do some tests, after the..." He didn't seem to want to talk about what happened. "And when you were released, your-... parents... They signed all of that over to medical reaserch, or something..."
The explanation had holes and gaps, but Cas got the basic context of it. He nodded, barely.
"You made me promise. You said you wanted her- And I get that you don't remember it. I get it. And you don't gotta- you know. I want her... And I just wanted you to know she exists." Dean tried to stay calm to not upset Grace, but Cas heard in his voice how badly he wanted him to understand.
"Why didn't you call me?" he asked, voice faint. He wasn't sure if it was a reasonable question, but he was too shocked to think.
"I tried. I even went back to that apartment of yours. You weren't there."
Cas wasn't sure how long he stood staring down into the grass. In the peripheral vision he suddenly noticed Dean trying to catch his eye. Grace tried to grasp the scruff on her father's jaw.
"You okay, Cas? You don't look so good" he said with a pointed glance. One corner of his mouth quirked up. "How 'bout some dinner?"
Cas nodded with his mouth in a sharp, tight line. His stomach felt like it needed something. He followed, mechanically, when Dean turned and walked back up on the porch with Grace. Everything was suddenly so strange. What was the proper way to act in a situation like this? He slowed down by the door and came to a halt as his eyes shifted out over the garden to the right and stopped on the lonely tree.
"What do those two red ropes mean?" he asked curiously, keeping his eyes on the tree.
Dean took a few steps backwards until they stood next to each other. He traced Cas' stare. They were so close. Dean smelled like he had just cleaned himself up. Was that Axe shower gel?
"I tied the first one when I bought this house. The top one" he explained. He held Grace with one steady arm and pointed at the ropes with his free hand. "The one under, I tied when Grace was born. Just thought it was a fun thing. They kinda grew up with the tree, or something." He continued inside the house again. Cas watched the tree for a moment more before he followed him.
He came into a hallway with warm wallpapers. There was a staircase immediately to his left, followed by a door with a bathroom sign on it. The hall turned around a corner to the left after the bathroom and continued on towards an open door. Cas caught a glimpse of a yellow wall with orange flowers behind a white crib. He figured it to be Grace's room. Grace. The toddler. His daughter. He suddenly got a strong urge to walk down the hall and peek in. But his feet faltered, stopping themselves in the middle of a step. Instead he shifted his stare the other way. In front of him, opposite of the open front door, there was a huge living room with a fireplace and a long gray couch. He turned to the right and locked eyes with Grace who sat in a highchair at the end of the kitchen table.
"The hell you doin' out there?" Dean shouted from somewhere in the kitchen, and Cas stepped in to look for the source of that voice. He wanted- no, he needed to see him, for some reason. It was an unexpected ache he couldn't get rid of.
Dean placed the last casserole on the table and met Cas' eyes with a badly restrained exitement in his own, green ones.
"Just admiring your beautiful home" he answered politely.
"You can do that later." Dean motioned towards the chair on Cas' side of the table as he sat himself down to the left of Grace. Cas followed his example.
"So" he began as Dean passed the potatoes over to him. "Why did you move out here? To the middle of nowhere."
Dean snorted with a grin as if he rememberd something funny. He scooped up beef hash and fried eggs on his plate.
"It wasn't my idea" he answered. "I thought about it for a long time before I got to it."
Cas nodded once and took a bite.
"So you're a doctor now?" Dean asked, changing the subject slightly.
He flinched, still unaccustomed to the fact that this man knew so much about him. Dean didn't seem to take notice of his unease, and Cas shook his head, chewed and swallowed.
"No- eh- You know, it's hard to graduate as a doctor when you can't even remember having sent in applications." He chuckled dryly.
"Oh. Right. Can imagine. All I know 'bout doctor business's is from tv shows."
"I can't remember having taken a single class" Cas continued. "But it's alright. It wasn't my dream. My father just wanted to be able to brag in front of people about how he had a world-renownd surgeon for a son."
"So how's the rest of the family?" Dean asked amusedly as he ate.
"Don't talk with food in your mouth" Cas suddenly complained before he could stop himself, frowning. It seemed to amuse Dean even more and he grinned widely with his mouth full. Grace giggled and waved her little, blue, plastic spoon around. Cas looked down at his food and felt an embarrassing warmth creep up his neck. "I'm sorry" he said quickly. "I'm not qualified to tell you what you should or shouldn't do."
"Yeah- Actually, you kinda are" Dean said with a small smile when he had swallowed. "You used to do it all the time."
"You should've had a salad to this" Cas said, changing the subject. "I can make one, if you want."
"We're ain't gonna eat rabbit food. We're warriors!"
Cas just assumed that Dean spoke for both Grace and himself, and he rolled his eyes.
They didn't say anything for a long time. What could he say? He didn't know Dean the way Dean knew him. Grace dropped her spoon in her baby food repeatedly. Dean fed her and wiped something off of her round chin. The three of them soon finished their dinner and Cas placed his cutlery as nicely as he could to the side on his plate.
"Thank you, Dean. That was good."
"What's wrong with the eggs then?" Dean raised an eyebrow amusedly at the fried egg that Cas had left, merely cut in half and pushed aside. The yolk had run out over the platter.
"No-" He raised his hands apologetically before he wiped the corners of his mouth with a napkin. "I'm not that into runny yolks" he explained.
"You used to be" Dean said, snorting.
Another spark of remembrance passed by on his face before he stood up and began cleaning off the table. Cas helped moving it all to the wooden kitchen counter top by the sink under a wide window that stretched all across the wall. He didn't say anything for a long while. Dean put down everything he had in his hands and stared out through the window, at the lawn and the gravel driveway and the lake which loomed and glistened to the right beyond the veranda. Cas watched him; the dark-blond hair at the nape of his strong neck, the sunbleached jeans-shirt he had thrown on, his broad back under that shirt. He started to feel an uncomfortable ache to touch that scruff and that sunburnt skin and the curve of that back - his fingers itched to know the feeling.
"I need to use the bathroom." He excused himself and hurried out into the hallway. He opened and closed the bathroom door without getting in. Instead he leaned himself against it, breathing unevenly, staring at the photographs on the wall opposite to focus on something else. There were a few pictures of Sam and a beautiful woman, Dean, Grace, some other toddler, more people Cas didn't recognize. One photo with slightly faded colours where a man and a woman held two children in their arms, one of which looked to be no older than Grace.
As Cas' eyes danced over the pictures, his heart calmed down a little. In between all the images of people, there were some polaroids of a more amateur-artistic nature. There was one of a coffee table which looked very much like one he had had once. A shot of a familiar, stylish kitchen. Something that looked like a close-up of some kind of fabric where a few threads deviated in the pattern. Sheets and laughs in a bed he recognized. Cas furrowed his brows and smiled a small smile at them all.
"You hear me, Gracie?" Dean's voice from the kitchen caught his attention. He took a few steps towards it but stopped himself from going in. Still out in the hallway, he leaned his right elbow against the doorframe and watched in silence. The scene in front of him made his heart swell with warmth. It was a sudden and unexpected feeling, but he liked it.
Dean stood by the sink with his back towards Cas, just where Cas had left him. He seemed to be washing their plates by hand, and was lit up by the soft and warm shine of the day's last sunlight coming in through the facing window.
"Don't you dare grow up to be someone who nags about how their eggs are cooked" Dean said with a pretended sternness to Grace who sat in her highchair, merely grinning and giggling at him in return. He snorted once, and the corners of his mouth curled up when he peeked over his shoulder to glance at her. It made Cas smile too in his hiding place out in the hall. For some reason this felt like home - and he had only been here a few hours. He was reminded that he was merely a guest and that he soon might have overstayed his visit.
He finally entered the kitchen and broke the spellbinding charm of the home-like scene he had been watching. This Dean Winchester was still a stranger, even if they did have a child together. Cas smiled at Grace and dared to stroke her hair. When he looked up he caugh Dean gazing at them.
"You're so good with her" Cas commented. "Isn't it hard? On your own, I mean..."
He chuckled.
"To be honest, I'm just making it all up as I go" he answered.
They were silent for a second, but it wasn't an uncomfortable silence.
"I think it's time for me to go" Cas said eventually.
Dean suddenly looked like he wanted to say something, biting his teeth together, furrowing his brows slightly.
"I was gonna offer you a beer. You want a beer?" he said. He leaned against the kitchen counter, crossing his chest with one arm, motioning towards the refrigerator with his free hand. "Or wine- I've got wine too. Red or white? What's your poison?"
"I don't know" Cas began. "I've got a motel room to check in to." The thought made him picture his bags in the back of his car.
"You could stay here. If you want" he suggested with a trying smile. The idea was extremely tempting for some reason. "And I don't mean that in a creepy, Norman Bates way!" he quickly added with his hands up in a dismissive gesture. "I've got a guest room." He chuckled at himself.
Cas thought about it without answering.
"Just need to put the little slugger to bed, an' then we can have a glass on the porch." He went around the table and lifted Grace out of her highchair and headed out and down the hall without waiting for Cas' reply. Cas followed them with his eyes and kept gazing down towards the room with the yellow, flowery wallpaper and the white crib... until Dean came back to him a minute later, where he stood still, frozen in the doorway to the kitchen.
Dean walked by him and disappeared behind his back.
"So. Beer or wine?"
"Er- Wine, please" Cas answered hesitatingly. He could hear glass clang before Dean gave his shoulders a few whacks and went by him towards the front door.
"C'mon, Cas" he beckoned without even throwing a glance over his shoulder. A laid-back confidence oozed off of him and it did all kinds of inappropriate things to Cas. For a second it felt too easy ignoring the alarms going off in his head, in order to slip right into this life with this man and this child in this house. The thought scared him. Dean was still a stranger, he reminded himself. Easy to forget.
He followed. Of course he did. And when he came out on the slightly chilly veranda, he caught Dean sitting down on one of two wooden armchairs. On the small table between them he had lit two candles and placed a bottle of wine along with a glass for Cas, and three beers for himself. It was like a relentless force; him being drawn to sit down on the other armchair a mere meter from Dean. What was wrong with him? He needed to stop these sudden outbursts of emotion which Dean evoked in him. He needed to think of something else, so when he had sat down he shifted his eyes. It really was a beautiful view from the porch; both the plain garden and the grass leading down towards the lake to the right.
"Hope red's fine" Dean said, claiming Cas' attention. Dean had a joyous smile playing on his lips as he leaned forward and filled half of Cas' glass with the red liquid. "Chef says we're out of white."
He took the glass with an offhanded "thank you"-nod. Dean leaned back in his chair and popped a beer open while Cas stared down into his glass, stirring the wine round and round for a second. He had had red wine once before - as far as he could remember anyway. That evening had ended at eleven o'clock, on a stranger's bathroom floor.
"So what do you do now? I mean, if the doctor thing didn't work out-..." Dean arched an eyebrow, took a pull of his beer and threw one foot over the other, his legs stretched out long in front of him.
Cas kept looking at his glass. He shrugged a little and almost smiled.
"I tried doing the physics thing at university" he admitted. "But I figured that talking about series of differential equations and sameness in a quantum superposition, and drawing diagrams of subsonic frequencies, among other things, wasn't really what I wanted to do for the rest of my life." He took a sip of the wine. It wasn't half bad.
He raised his eyes to Dean and bit his lip to not break out laughing at the confused wrinkle between his eyebrows. Dean caught him looking back and relaxed his face, raising his brows instead, turning his attention back to his beer.
"Yeah. Whatever you say, Cas." One corner of his mouth curled upwards.
"I found this old polaroid camera at home, though" he continued. "I got it for myself when I was fifteen. My father didn't like that I wanted to be a photographer." For a second it looked like Dean was going to say something, but he never interrupted. "So anyway. I took some photo classes and I really got into it again. I've done a few weddings and family photos for acquaintances."
"Impressive" was all Dean said. There was an open, honest streak in his facial expression. "Glad you followed your dream."
"Most of the time I just work at the Gas'n'Sip across the street from my apartment." He snorted shortly at himself and tensed up. He didn't know why he had said that. Dean was going to think he was one of those guys who never got around to actually follow through on anything. He stared down into his glass again.
"It ain't easy earning money on a dream either."
Cas relaxed slightly. Dean seemed to be a good man. Why was Cas so jumpy?
"So what about your folks? And those- What- was it two... brothers?"
"Mike and Gabe. Yes." He swallowed nervously. Would he ever get used to Dean already knowing so much about him? "I don't know" he answered eventually, leaning back in his seat a little to maybe manage to at least look half as relaxed as Dean. "I broke with them after the-... the incident. I've always wanted to be free, to be me, and back then- with school and everything... I saw the opportunity and I took it." It was a few years ago now, and Cas smiled at the memory of the relief he had felt. "My parents cut me off, as expected, and I had to move out of the apartment they had paid for. So I went back upstate." It surprised Cas that he spoke so freely in Dean's company. He didn't even talk this much around people he actually knew.
Dean nodded pensively and took another pull off his beer.
"Er- I'd ask about your life, but since I don't... know..." The sentence trailed off.
He quit with all the questions after that and told Cas more about himself instead, and Cas lost track of time. The sky was pitch black when Dean offered to help carry his bags inside and Cas' slightly tipsy brain caused him to smile and bow his whole head in reply. The dark velvet above them was lit up by a handful of star constellations that threw glistening white light over the garden. Cas gave it all a last glance before he followed Dean and his bags inside the house. They took the stairs directly to the left by the door and carried on upstairs. Dean walked ahead to show the way. His rolled up shirt sleeves revealed the muscles playing under the sunburnt skin as he lugged Cas' duffle in one hand and his aluminium framed carry-on bag in the other. At the top of the stairs he turned to the right, walked a few steps through the small hallway and pushed a door open with his foot.
"So, this is you." He stepped inside, put down the bags at the end of the double bed, turned to Cas who had followed, and motioned at the guest room with both his hands. There was a window straight ahead, on the opposite side of the door, the bed was on the left and an old-looking wardrobe painted in different shades of green towered to the right. It was actually quite cozy. Cas walked further in, slowly, taking in everything as he sat down on the bed.
"It's nice" he commented, giving the room a final once-over before his eyes sweeped to meet Dean's.
"I'm right over there." Dean pointed with a thumb over his shoulder, across the hall, towards the door opposite. "If you need anything-..."
Cas nodded once.
"Thank you, Dean."
"Anytime." With flickering eyes and an offhanded smile, Dean closed the door behind him when he left.
The zipper sounded so loud when Cas opened his carry-on and rumaged through it for a t-shirt and his grey sweatpants. He finally found what he was looking for and methodically changed into them, folding his pants and shirt neatly before picking up his small, blue toiletry bag. He headed for the bathroom downstairs, but he didn't get any further than to the hallway outside of his room. The door to Dean's was ajar and Cas couldn't stop himself from peeking in. Dean sat on his double bed, facing away from Cas. The drawer in his nightstand was open and he held something in his hands. As Dean shifted in his seat, Cas saw the small, black, velvet box and the shiny object inside. A ring. Dean smiled a soft smile down at it and drew a deep breath before flipping it shut with his thumb and placing it back down into the drawer for safekeeping. Cas shivered, for some inexplicable reason. With a steady breath he took a step back to continue downstairs, but the floorboards squeaked under him and caught Dean's attention. He turned halfway around where he sat on the bed.
"Cas?" Dean's voice rumbled.
His heart sped and his palms felt clammy as he pushed the door open a little more. He felt incredibly embarrassed as he met Dean's wondering gaze.
"I- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"
"Somethin' wrong?" He furrowed his brows concernedly and Cas shook his head. He willed himself to smile a little in an attempt to calm down.
"No- I-... I just wanted to say that-..." He drew a deep breath, leaning his shoulder against the door frame with one hand casually in the sidepocket on his sweatpants. "I've understood that we lost alot, and I'm sorry... And you- I mean- You seem to know me, but I don't-..." He cleared his throat, shrugging a shoulder.
"I get it" Dean said. "I rushed you. You're uncomfortable."
"N- no, Dean-"
"You don't know me." His eyes were a telltale that it hurt saying those words out loud.
"But that's just it. There's something about you." Closely, he watched Dean as the sadness faded away. "I can't really put my finger on it, but it's like-..." He bit his lip, thinking. How could he say that it felt like he had come home, without it sounding stupid? "There's something familiar..."
A warm smile spread across Dean's face and Cas shook his head as his cheeks grew hot.
"I'm sorry. This must sound really weird."
"Sounds perfectly not weird."
Cas raised his gaze and smiled back. Pursing his lips, he leaned away from the doorframe, backing out into the hall again, reluctantly.
"Well... Good night then, Dean" he said, grinning like an idiot.
Dean gave him a chivalrous nod.
"Looking forward to getting to know you" he said. "Again."