Work Text:
Sirius could cope with being stuck in the house if it was always like this, full of people and laughter and decorations. Molly had cooked up a feast, as usual, and they were all sat around the table chatting nonsense about how glad they were to be away from school, and how Arthur was doing and just how the Hillsborough Harriers had managed to top the quidditch league despite being in last place the year before ("they must be cheating surely")
Sirius had purposely sat beside Harry who, despite spending the first few days in the house being miserable and uncommunicative, was in a good mood and happily regaling him with stories of his quidditch matches at school, with Ron and Hermione occasionally chipping in with slightly more terrifying stories (his teacher had hexed him and he'd still managed to win, what the hell?)
"You're a natural flyer." Sirius told his godson with a grin which Harry returned despite looking faintly embarrassed.
"Yeah on a broom anyway." One of the twins, who had clearly been eavesdropping, said. "Not so great with cars."
Sirius raised an eyebrow at that, trying to figure out what he meant, even as Harry groaned loudly, "What does he mean cars?"
"Uh…" Harry grimaced, "Did you really have a flying bike?"
Something turned in Sirius' stomach at the thought of his old bike, he hadn't seen it since… since… "Yeah." He wetted his lips quickly, "Long time ago."
Harry nodded, "I dreamt about it once. Uncle Vernon said I was making stuff up."
Fucking Dursleys. "Nah it was real, gave it to Hagrid when…"
"Yeah." Harry whispered, looking down at his food, poking at it with his fork.
Sirius wanted to hug him, more for his own comfort than anything else, but he settled on nudging their shoulders together instead, "What's this have to do with a car?"
Harry looked over at Ron and Hermione (who's expression reminded him strangely of McGonagall) and sighed loudly, "Ron's dad enchanted their car to make it fly." He said and Sirius laughed, he was pretty sure Arthur's job was meant to be stopping people from enchanting muggle objects, not doing it himself, not that he could judge, his bike hadn't exactly been above board.
"And you took it for a spin?" He asked, surprised that Molly had allowed that to happen.
Harry, perhaps buoyed by Sirius' amusement, smiled and nodded, "Ron and the twins used it to rescue me from the Dursleys. And then me and Ron flew it to school."
Sirius froze at that, taking a second to register the words, not fully understanding them, "You did what? Just you two?!" He asked, filing away the use of 'rescued' when it came to his relatives as yet another reason why he desperately needed to talk to Harry about what living there was like. But another time, first he needed to figure out why the fuck two teenagers were flying a car to school.
Harry shifted awkwardly in his seat, cottoning on to the change of emotions and exchanging a look with Ron who grimaced, glancing down the table towards his mother, "Yeah, well the barrier didn't work." Harry muttered, "So we borrowed the car."
"When the fuck was this?" Sirius asked, voice sharp and drawing the attention of Molly who shot him a furious look that confused him until he realised he'd just sworn. Heaven forbid.
Harry's tongue flicked out to wet his lips, "Uh… Second year, September first."
Sirius swore his heart stopped at that, he had been twelve! "Harry!"
"The barrier didn't work!" Harry repeated loudly, "What else were we supposed to do?!"
"Wait for a fucking adult!"
"Sirius, language!" Molly snapped, "I'm sure the boys are sorry for -"
"We didn't know if the barrier would open again! We thought we wouldn't have been able to get to school, and we didn't know if we could owl anyone." Harry interrupted, sounding cross now, "We thought we didn't have a choice, right?" He scowled at Ron who grimaced again, glancing back at his mother who raised an eyebrow at him.
"We didn't really think it through." He muttered, his neck flushing red as Harry shot him a wounded look.
Sirius snorted, "Yeah, obviously not." He said, looking back at his godson whose face was an ugly scowl. "Seriously Haz; that was unbelievably dangerous." He was about to drop it, to change the subject and let it slide, knowing that it was years ago and there was no point in arguing, but then Harry scoffed and he felt a fresh burst of irritation, "What if you'd crashed? Or the flying part had suddenly stopped working mid flight and you couldn't apparate to safety? Gods Harry, you could have been killed." He snapped, resolutely ignoring the approving look Molly sent his way and feeling grateful when Bill pulled her into a conversation, distracting her from the pair of them. "What the hell were you thinking?" Sirius asked, his voice deliberately lower now.
Harry's jaw clenched and Sirius thought for a second that he was about to start shouting but instead, after a moment, he spoke quietly, his voice cold; "Well maybe I thought the risk made it fun, like my dad would have."
Sirius recoiled backwards, feeling like he'd been slapped and barely noticing as his knife slipped from his hand and clanged against the plate; he and Harry stared at it for a moment before looking back up, meeting each other's eyes for the briefest of moments before Sirius looked away, across the table towards his godson's two best friends who, judging by their expressions, had heard what Harry had said.
Whilst Ron's eyes were flitting between the pair of them with a vaguely panicked expression on his face, Hermione was looking at Harry beseechingly, silently pleading with him to apologise and, for a second, Sirius thought he might, but then he pursed his lips and looked down at his plate, staying silent.
He wasn't surprised really, an apology wasn't going to fix this. Not one from Harry anyway. Not when it was Sirius that had fucked up in the first place.
He had regretted his words about James as soon as he had left the floo that night, had thought about flooing straight back to apologise before deciding against it, figuring that letting it settle for a bit before writing would be best. Except that he'd never got around to writing, too busy wallowing in his own self pity. And when he had finally seen Harry again he had forgotten about it all, too caught up in the excitement of their defence club. He had thought that Harry had forgotten too, or forgiven at least, but clearly not; it had obviously hurt him more than Sirius had let himself believe and he felt physically sick at the realisation.
Sirius closed his eyes, trying to decide what to do, what to say; he really didn't want to talk about it here, surrounded by everyone, he knew Harry enough to know that he wouldn't open up and acknowledge his real feelings with everyone able to listen in. And, perhaps selfishly, he also didn't want Molly Weasley to overhear what they were saying, to realise that she was right about him being an awful godparent, that the public swearing was the least of it really.
"We'll talk about this later." He managed to say finally, pushing his plate away and rising from his chair; only just hearing the snidely muttered,
"Yeah, if you're not too pissed." That came from his godson's mouth as he left the table.
Sirius hid himself away in Regulus' room for the next few hours, transformed into Padfoot and curled up in the corner. He hated it in there, hated the memories it evoked, but it had also become his sanctuary in a way and he knew Molly wouldn't disturb him, no matter how much she probably wanted to discuss the whole flying car thing and how glad she was that he was taking it seriously.
He knew Harry had only parroted his own words back to him but he still wondered about them, about how James would feel. The truth was he honestly had no idea. James had taken risks, with his own safety and with his friends, many times over his life, Sirius hadn't been lying when he said that he thought it was fun. But they'd been young, and they'd thought they were invincible, even with the war raging around them, perhaps because of it even, at least until people they knew started to die. And even then, even in hiding James had still pushed the boundaries, going out for runs as Prongs or trying to persuade Dumbledore to give him missions to do, which at the time Sirius had found infuriating but now he totally understood. He tried to recall how he had felt about James back then, the concern for his mental state tied in with horror at the thought of him being caught, and killed.
Was that how Harry had felt when Sirius offered to come to Hogsmede? He whined softly to himself, knowing that it must have been. He needed to talk to the boy, to fix this somehow. To stop being such a dick and start stepping up.
He forced himself to transform back into a person and shook himself out before creeping from Reg's room and across the hall into his own where he spent a few minutes trying to make it at least semi presentable by kicking the dirty laundry under the bed out of sight and then cracking open the window and casting a quick air freshener charm. Finally he couldn't put it off any longer and he headed down the stairs in the direction of Harry's room. He could feel his heart pounding, suddenly, claustrophobically, against his throat as a wave of anxiety hit him; when had he become such a coward that the thought of talking to a child stressed him out so much?
He wanted a glass of whiskey, almost detoured downstairs to get one before he remembered Harry's words and felt a flush of shame consume him, a hatred for how useless he had become.
Harry and Ron were sitting on their beds, a small table with a chess board set up on it between them, and Sirius stood silently by the door for a moment, just watching them play, his heart warming at the sight of Harry just being a kid for once. He hadn't wanted to disturb them but within a few minutes Ron glanced up and spotted him, a slight frown on his face before he looked back down at the board and shifted his piece, "Checkmate."
Harry groaned, "For fuck's sake."
"Sorry." The redhead genuinely sounded it too and Sirius half smiled before meeting his eyes again and swallowing, clearing his throat and feeling a deep ache in his chest when his godson's shoulder's tensed in response to the noise.
"Harry, can I have a word?"
He couldn't see Harry's face but it was pretty clear, by Ron's raised eyebrows, that there was some silent conversation happening and Sirius shifted against the door, causing Ron's eyebrows to raise even higher, and he hoped the kid made a decision about speaking to him soon since he was pretty sure there wasn't much space left on Ron's forehead.
Finally Harry stood up and turned in his direction, not meeting Sirius' eyes as he grunted a "fine". The teenager followed him up the stairs reluctantly, dragging his feet as he did so and throwing a glance towards Regulus' room, and the sign on the door, before stepping into Sirius'.
When Sirius turned to look at him his gaze was focused on one of the posters of a semi naked woman that Sirius had stuck to his wall as a teenager, a weird attempt to somehow piss off his parents whilst also easing their 'concerns' about his sexuality. Seeing the posters in here now, with Harry, they seemed ridiculous, childish, and he felt his cheeks heat up, "Should have really redecorated since coming back."
Harry just hummed in reply and Sirius swallowed, not knowing what to say, or how to say it without annoying his godson too much.
But then to his surprise, considering how combative he had been earlier and how reluctant he had been to come with Sirius, Harry spoke first, "I'm really sorry for what I said at dinner. It was rude. I shouldn't have said it." He sounded almost frightened and Sirius felt his heart clench.
"No Harry, it's okay, you were just repeating what I said and I… I was completely out of order. I was just being a dick." Harry looked confused, finally looking away from the posters on the wall and frowning at him as Sirius continued, "I should never have said that, and I should have apologised right away. I'm sorry, being stuck in this house has… well that's no excuse. You were right. And I was a dick."
Harry's frown disappeared into a grin as the boy snorted, "Don't think you're supposed to swear in front of me." He said and Sirius laughed.
"Yeah well, guess I'm doing a shit job at being a parent figure."
Harry scoffed, "I don't need you to be a parent!" He said, sounding cross now, "I just need you to… be alive. Preferably with your soul still intact."
Sirius huffed out a laugh despite knowing it wasn't a joke, "Likewise." He said, "That's why I was so upset about the car thing." Harry looked somehow surprised at that, as though the thought of his safety being the issue genuinely hadn't occurred to him, despite the fact that Sirius was pretty sure he'd mentioned it several times in his little rant.
"Maybe the flying car wasn't my finest moment." The teenager conceded and Sirius snorted.
"To be honest kid I'd have probably done the same." He said and Harry laughed, "Still dangerous though!"
"Super dangerous, won't do it again." Harry agreed quickly.
Sirius smiled at him, "How about I promise to not take any risks and stay here safely if you promise to ask me for help or advice before planning to do anything life threatening?" He offered, though not sure how Harry would do that when all of their communications was either cut off or being monitored; perhaps those old two way mirrors were still around somewhere...
Harry gave a small nod, a half smile creeping across his face, "Deal." He said, his voice soft, "I am sorry you're stuck here. I'd hate being trapped at the Dursleys."
Right. The Dursleys. Sirius felt his irritation grow just at the name. "What's it like there? You said the twins rescued you?"
"Figure of speech." Harry said far too quickly for it to be true, "It's fine, it's not great but… it's fine."
"Harry…"
The boy gave a small growl, turning away from Sirius and scowling at one of the scantily clad posters "They just never really wanted me there, still don't, and they make that pretty clear. Used to bother me when I was a kid but I'm used to it now. It's fine." He repeated.
"It's not fine Harry."
"Alright, it's not fine, but it is what it is. And it's only for a few weeks in the summers and in a few years I can leave and never have to see them again." Harry gave a shrug, his jaw tense in a way that made it clear he wasn't going to expand on the subject.
"I'm sorry that you have to be there." Sirius said quietly, guilt burning through him like fiendfyre; if he had just kept Harry with him, if he hadn't gone after Peter. Harry shrugged again, looking awkward and Sirius cleared his throat, "I'm sorry that we're not living out in some hot country somewhere and the only things you need to worry about are girls and homework." He said, moving and sitting in one of the small armchairs Remus had conjured him one evening when he had been refusing to go downstairs and the man had been sick of sitting on the bed.
Harry smiled faintly at that, sitting on the second chair and twisting his lips, "Still do worry about girls and homework." He said after a moment, "Well not the homework so much, Hermione deals with that."
Sirius laughed, "Surprised she helps you! Remus used to outright refuse to help me."
"She says she got into a bad habit last year when I was busy with the tournament." Harry grinned and Sirius laughed again, finding himself immensely grateful that Harry had such good friends. "I kissed Cho Chang." Harry blurted out suddenly, looking as surprised at the words as Sirius felt; then again he had been the one to bring up girls so he probably should have expected it really, "Well she kissed me." Harry added, his voice quieter now, eyes trained on the small table in between them.
"Who is Cho Chang?" Sirius asked, keeping his voice light, teasing, glad Harry did have some normality in his life.
"She's seeker for Ravenclaw. Sixth year." Harry said, showing his priorities by declaring her quidditch position first and Sirius had to force himself not to laugh at how utterly like his father he was. "She's really pretty."
"And she kissed you?"
"Yeah." Harry said, the deep frown on his face confusing Sirius given the conversation topic, but then Harry added "But all I could think about was Cedric." And Sirius blinked, wondering just what Harry's feelings towards the murdered boy had been; at least sexuality related panic was something he knew how to help with. "And so was she clearly, since she cried the whole time." Harry said quietly and Sirius frowned in confusion.
"Why was she crying?" He asked, tapping the teapot on the small table (a birthday gift from the Weasley's) with his wand to fill it and pouring them each a cup.
"Cause of Cedric. She was his girlfriend."
"Oh."
"Yeah." Harry agreed glumly.
"That's… complicated." Sirius said awkwardly, handing Harry one of the tea cups, watching as he spooned in far too much sugar and getting a sudden flashback of Lily doing the same at his age, "Do you talk about him?"
Harry shrugged, "Sort of, not really… she says she misses him but then says she likes me and goes and snogs me." His cheeks flushed at that and he took a big gulp of tea, avoiding looking at his godfather.
"Maybe she misses him and likes you. Must be very confusing for her." He said, feeling sorry for this poor girl he had never met, losing someone you cared about was difficult enough to deal with at any age but as a teenager… "And for you I'm sure."
"That's what Hermione said." Harry glanced up then, his cheeks still pink, "That Cho's got a lot of emotions right now. Then she said I should have asked her out."
That made Sirius frown, because, whilst he could see the logic from a teenager's perspective, he also couldn't think of anything Harry, or this Cho girl, needed less. "Did you want to ask her out?"
"She is very nice."
"Yeah… Look Harry, do you think maybe you fancying her might have something to do with what happened to Cedric?"
He'd tried to be as tactful as possible but Harry still looked horrified at the suggestion, "No! I fancied her before he… before he… I asked her to the Yule ball and everything!"
Sirius nodded again, "Right, sorry, I didn't mean to upset you." He said, keeping his voice as gentle as possible, "She sounds like a lovely girl. I just wonder if maybe a little bit of time might be what she needs more than a date." He suggested, thinking that it was probably what Harry needed too, he knew the kid was still having dreams about what had happened in the graveyard, about Cedric.
"I guess." Harry said quietly, tipping his cup to the side and frowning at it, looking like he were trying to decipher tea leaves that weren't there, "I don't want to upset her."
"Well." Sirius said, as though he had any experience in healthy relationships, "I think honesty is probably the best policy. Just chat to her, tell her you like her but maybe it's a bit too soon. I'm sure she'll understand, she'll probably be grateful." He said, hoping
"Did you have a girlfriend at my age?" Harry asked then and really, he should have seen that question coming.
"Umm I… I had one, in fifth year" He said carefully, thinking of Marlene and their agreement to protect each other's secrets, "But I wasn't that interested in girls to be honest. Prefered being with mates and playing quidditch you know?"
"Yeah, girls are weird." Harry said and Sirius nodded, trying to decide how he would react if Sirius told him the truth and whether he should just get it over with.
But then the door opened and stopped him, speak of the devil and he shall appear, Sirius thought as Remus strode in, speaking loudly, "Does it still count as murder if it's -... Oh, hello Harry." He said, cutting himself off quickly and blinking at the boy.
"Probably but I shall love and support you regardless." Sirius replied and the man laughed.
"Yeah you would, since my next word was Severus." He gave Harry a grin and a wink, before adding a "Don't repeat that will you" as Sirius frowned at him, wondering what the greasy git had done now.
"My lips are sealed." Harry promised, an amused grin on his face and Remus laughed as the boy put his cup down on the table and rose from his chair, "I should go to bed." Harry said.
"Oh don't leave on my account." Remus said quickly, and sincerely, "I was only dropping by." Of course he was, Sirius thought, heaven forbid he stick around for a while. He hated himself for thinking it, knowing the man was doing important work for the Order, whatever the hell it was, knowing that his irritation was only due to jealousy at being so out of the loop.
"No it's okay; Mrs Weasley'll be checking we're in bed soon." Harry grimaced and Sirius returned it as the boy rose from the armchair and stood there awkwardly for a moment, "Umm… Goodnight then." He muttered.
Sirius wanted to hug him, he should hug him probably, but would he be too embarrassed in front of Remus? Their relationship hadn't really got past the professor student thing, which Sirius knew disappointed his friend, not that he'd ever admit it out loud, or do anything to fix it.
Moony cleared his throat then, clearly having the same thoughts, "Night Harry. I'm going to use the bathroom, see you downstairs in a bit?" He said to Sirius who nodded thankfully, rising from his own chair and smiling towards Harry who was still stood there, playing with his pyjama sleeves.
"Goodnight kid." Sirius said and pulled his godson into a tight embrace, pressing his palm to his back in the same way Monty used to do, the way that made Sirius feel like he was wanted and loved every time; he felt Harry's body relax and knew it had worked it's magic on him too.
"Sirius." Harry said suddenly, his face still pressed against the man's chest, "D'you think I'm being possessed?" The words were mumbled and Sirius could only just make them out but when he tried to draw back Harry clung on tighter, refusing to move his head.
Sirius swallowed, "What makes you ask that? Is this about the snake?"
Harry shrugged against him, still refusing to move, "Kind of… Overheard Mad-Eye and Mrs Weasley talking in St Mungo's. Moody seemed to think I was." He muttered finally and Sirius felt an irritation burn inside him at their stupidity, of course everyone wanted to know what was going on with Harry but surely they knew the kids would eavesdrop.
He stroked his hand along the boy's back, hoping to soothe him a little, "I don't think you're being possessed." He said, emphasising the last word, "Dumbledore doesn't think it's possession either okay but there definitely is a link there between your scar and Voldemort that he's trying to figure out." He was probably saying more than he was meant to but at this point he was past caring, "Possession is different it's -"
"Yeah I know." Harry said hollowly, "Ginny said."
Sirius felt ice in his stomach at the reminder of what the youngest Weasley had been through, something Remus had only filled him in on over the summer. He still couldn't quite understand how the hell that had happened at Hogwarts, or how no one had noticed the odd behaviour of the first year. He forced his focus back to Harry, "Okay, well good that's -"
"Why won't he even look at me?" Harry interrupted.
"I… I don't know." Sirius said quietly, "I didn't realise he wasn't." He added, hating that he hadn't known, that Harry hadn't come to him and told him, "I wish I had all the answers Haz I really do." He whispered, vowing to speak to Dumbledore again and insist the old man give him some sort of answer.
Harry nodded against his chest giving a small sniff, "But I'm not dangerous?" He whispered.
"No! No Harry." Sirius said emphatically, finally managing to detangle himself from the boy and force him to look at him, "I promise you."
Harry gave a small nod, his eyes glossy with tears, "Okay."
Sirius tugged him back into another hug, "You know you can always talk to me right?"
"Yeah I know." Harry's voice was muffled against his chest but he seemed to mean it, he gave another small sniff before pulling back again, "I should go to bed."
"You sure, can always stay here for a bit?"
"No it's fine. Pretty tired." Harry gave a small shrug, "Thanks for the tea, and sorry for… you know."
Sirius scoffed, "Don't apologise for calling me out on my crap." He said sincerely, "And tea is always on offer. Goodnight kid, I love you."
Harry looked faintly surprised for a second before his expression settled on embarrassment and Sirius felt a deep tug of pain at the realisation that this was the first time he'd said it, or at least the first time that Harry would recall anyway, "Uh yeah… love you too." The teenager said, his voice slightly strangled, "Night." And then he fled the room.
The kitchen was empty when Sirius walked in, which felt like a novelty after the past few days of it being busttling with people and he wondered where Remus had got to; he assumed the man had most likely detoured into the room Charlie and Bill were sleeping in to get an update on Arthur. Sirius cleared a few plates off the table, trying to distract himself from the swirling in his head, the thoughts of the Dursleys and of the war, and that surprised look on Harry's face just then when Sirius had said he'd loved him. He almost looked like… like Sirius assumed he had the first time James' dad had said it to him, the first time he'd actually heard it.
The thought that no-one had ever told Harry they loved him before filled Sirius with a combination of utter despair and utter rage. He walked over to the side cabinet without even realising what he was doing until he was stood staring at a half empty bottle of firewhisky, nausea bubbling in his stomach, and he picked up the bottle, remembering Harry's words form earlier and then turned as the door opened. Remus' lips pursed when he saw the bottle in Sirius' hands but he didn't comment and Sirius stared at him as he unscrewed the cap, feeling suddenly, and probably irrationally, angry at the other man. He could smell the whiskey as soon as the lid was off and the need to just drink it, straight from the bottle even, almost overwhelmed him but he clenched his jaw and upended it over the sink instead, watching as it poured down the drain.
He could almost hear Remus' surprise but the man said nothing and for the next minute the only sound in the kitchen was the glugging of the alcohol leaving the bottle. Once it was empty Sirius shoved it to one side and grabbed a second off the shelf, repeating the process.
"Are you okay?"
"Need to get my shit together." Sirius muttered, "Fucking useless."
Remus gave one of those long suffering sighs that made Sirius want to punch him, "You're not useless." The man said as Sirius reached for a third bottle, wine this time, "Though I think Moody might be a bit peeved that you're throwing away his drink."
"Don't care." Sirius said, aware he was snarling, "This is my fucking house and I don't want-"
"Hey. I'm on your side." Remus interrupted.
Sirius didn't turn, "Are you?" The words were a whisper but Remus still heard them, of course he did.
"Fuck you." He sounded tired rather than angry and Sirius almost felt guilty as he heard the scrape of a chair on the stone floor and then the sound of his friend flopping into it; he placed the empty wine bottle on the side with the others before taking a deep breath and offering Moony a cup of tea,
"Or you can finish that." He added, noticing the half bottle of red left on the table from dinner.
"Tea is fine." Remus said, looking almost amused as Sirius nodded and uncorked the bottle, pouring it down the sink to join the rest before making a start on the tea. Part of him, the childish, pathetic, part wanted Remus to comment, to praise him, but when the man did finally speak all he said was "so how long's this going to last then?" And Sirius wondered just how bad an example it would set for Harry if he threw the boiling tea into the man's face; he settled for slamming the mug down on the table instead, watching with satisfaction as the liquid sloshed out and Remus jerked backwards in his chair, "Christ, Sirius! What the fuck is wrong with you?"
Sirius felt suddenly hot, a fury rising in him and he curled his lip, sneering at the other man, "Wrong with me?! Apart from being a fucking wanted man you mean?" He spat, "And Voldemort being back. And being back at war and the prophet spouting all that shit about Harry. Who by the way is definitely at least emotionally abused by his aunt and uncle every time he goes back there, probably physically too but he wouldn't fucking admit it because I've done such a shit job in being there for him that he barely trusts me."
"You've not done a shit -"
Sirius cut him off, his voice rising with his anger, "And you! With your how long's this going to last and bloody Molly with her snide comments and even Tonks for fucks sake. But it's not like I'm fucking buying it myself is it?! Everyone just brings it here, abandons it and then gets on their high horse when I drink it." He was dimly aware that he was panting hard but he couldn't seem to stop talking. He wanted to hit something to hurt something. "And I'm sorry that being pissed makes it damn well easier to cope with being stuck here on my own feeling like I'm sixteen listening to Kreacher tell me how awful I am and wondering if my bloody mother's going to somehow manage to burst out of that fucking portrait and start crucioing me all over again!"
"Sirius." Remus' voice was strangled, haunted even and Sirius suddenly remembered that he had never wanted to hear that tone, that he hadn't told the others just how bad it had got for a reason. He felt his anger slip away as quickly as it had arrived, replaced with the dull sense of nothingness that was his constant company these days. He shouldn't have shouted at Remus, he didn't deserve that. And he certainly shouldn't have told him about -
"Sirius." Remus said again and then he was in front of him holding Sirius' hands in his own, looking at him with a combination of concern and horror and Sirius' hands were shaking, or maybe Moony's were, and he pressed his head forward, resting it on the man's chest so that he didn't have to look at him anymore. He wanted to apologise but couldn't seem to find it in him, instead whimpering as Remus dropped his hands and wrapped his arms around him and he was suddenly acutely aware of just how long it had been since they had embraced like this, perhaps that was what pushed him to quietly add, "Honestly, if it wasn't for Harry I'd…" Remus' hand tightened in his shirt and he trailed off, letting the words remain unspoken. He wasn't even entirely sure how they ended. Some days violently. Other days on a tropical island with a cocktail in his hand.
They stood in the embrace for what felt like an eternity, until Remus' shaking slowed and Sirius' heart stopped thumping so hard and he felt like he could float away, but then eventually Remus pressed a kiss to his head and murmured an apology and when he did finally draw back he kept his hand firmly on Sirius' arm, as though he didn't want to let him go.
Sirius understood that feeling.
"Tea's gone cold." Remus said quietly after a moment and Sirius huffed out a forced laugh, "I thought maybe… maybe I could stay here for Christmas?" He felt his heart soar at the suggestion and nodded, not trusting himself to speak; a small, bitter, part of himself wondered if it was just guilt making Remus stay but he pushed it away, finding that he didn't much care if it was. Having both Remus and Harry here for Christmas was like a dream come true.
Remus slid his hand down Sirius' arm until it met his own and threaded their fingers together and Sirius inhaled deeply at the tenderness of it, "I missed you." He whispered.
The lines around Remus' eyes crinkled as he smiled, "I've missed you too Pads."
"Even though I'm an absolute twat?" Sirius asked, using Remus' favourite insult for him when they were teenagers.
The man laughed, "Like attracts like." He said and Sirius snorted, he felt suddenly exhausted and it must have shown because Remus drew back from him and cleared up the tea cups, "Bed?" He asked, looking almost as though he expected Sirius to refuse him.
As if he ever could.
"Bed." He agreed and Remus grinned, stepping back into his space to brush their lips together before they left the room. The sound of quiet murmurings behind doors on the first floor made him smile and he vowed to make the most of the company over the next few weeks. As they reached the second floor he detoured over to Harry's room automatically, almost crashing into Molly who was stood in the open doorway.
"Oh you frightened me!" She whispered, adding a "Hello Remus." When she spotted the man who was hovering awkwardly at the bottom of the stairs to the top floor.
"They settled?" Sirius asked, peeking in and seeing Harry curled up under the covers, frown lines on his face even in his sleep.
"Yes, yes. Just wanted to check."
"Me too." Sirius said quietly and the woman smiled, patting him on the shoulder.
"I bet after the shock you had at dinnertime! You know I always thought the twins would be the ones that would turn me grey but Ron, Harry and Hermione certainly seem to be doing a better job of it." She laughed softly, "Well, goodnight boys." And with that she slipped past him and back down the stairs, Remus saying a goodnight for the both of them as she went.
Harry mumbled something incomprehensible in his sleep before rolling over and Sirius wondered how long it would be before the boy woke from another nightmare, his heart ached at the thought and he took a step back, pulling the bedroom door closed quietly and turning back to Remus who held out his hand.
"What the hell happened at dinner?" The man asked as Sirius took it and Sirius laughed.
"Trust me, you don't want to know."