Chapter Text
There was an old world charm about Russia. It was certainly beautiful, but it wasn’t the safest place to walk hand in hand with the woman you loved. Much less so than all the other countries they visited. It was a shame, really, to be in a place as pretty as Moscow, but to only see it through a window.
Life looked different through a window. You could only see fragments of the world through that periscope, you never really saw the full picture. Tobin sat on the edge of her bed and tried to draw her girlfriend from memory. She had only seen her in fragments, too, through a periscope she had locked on her from the start.
It hurt – knowing now that Christen felt so broken and alone back then. And all she did was gawk at her from afar, seeing only the parts of her she wanted to show the world. Seeing the perfect dancer with all the grace and poise and beauty lesser women prayed for. She made her out to be perfect in her head, but all Christen wanted was to be herself again.
Some nights she laid awake and watched Christen sleep, and she would wonder what she was dreaming of or what she was running from in a nightmare. She would wonder what it felt to be Christen and to go through what she goes through. Sometimes she would match her breathing with hers and hoped that it would make her feel closer to Christen. She loved her so much and it hurt not being able to help carry her burdens.
But Christen’s ever the pro – juggling her work, her therapy and their relationship with the sort of ease Tobin never would’ve. She has Zoom meetings with a therapist and sometimes she’d tell Tobin all about her sessions. Other times she clammed and changed the subject whenever Tobin asked. Both times Tobin respects her decision and offers her tea and company.
And when she dances, she doesn’t just do it because it’s her profession or because she loves it. She dances to fight off the demons and the voices in her head that tell her she’s not good enough and doesn’t deserve her spot. Tobin watches over her with a new kind of admiration. Not of adoration or love or even lust, like she had in the past. Not of appreciation of her technique or talent, but of her strength. She was so incredibly strong.
Tobin looked at the sketch of her girlfriend and sighed. She didn’t think she would ever capture her just right. She closed the sketchpad and fell back onto her bed. She was tired from the flight and the early morning set up the auditorium. Before she could fight it off, she fell asleep.
A few hours later, she was woken up by the weight of another person on her hotel bed. Christen reached out and smoothed over her messy bed hair.
“Are you awake?”, she asked softly. “Please be awake, I’ve missed you so much”.
“You missed me?”, Tobin asked teasingly, rolling over and wrapping her arms around Christen’s waist. “I missed you, my love”.
Christen leaned down and kissed her passionately, moving down to her jaw and then neck. She found her pulse point easily and lingered there for a bit. “We spoke about intimacy today in therapy”, she said against Tobin’s clavicle.
“Oh, did you?”, Tobin asked, moving her hands down towards the crux of Christen’s hips.
“Yes”, Christen said and placed a kiss in between where Tobin’s breasts swell on her chest. “It was an interesting conversation, actually”. She let out a breath and sat upright on the bed. “Intimacy isn’t something I struggle with”, she said and freed her hair from the little black elasticated band keeping it in a ponytail.
She was so beautiful with her dark hair cascading down her shoulders like that. Tobin smiled up at her lazily. “That’s good, right?”
“I’d say so, yes”, she said with a laugh. She thumbed along Tobin’s bottom lip. “But I like the pace we’re going at right now – it feels safe but still thrilling”.
“I agree”, Tobin said and sat up, too. “I want you to get better first; before we go any further”.
Christen frowned. “You don’t mind waiting?”
“With you it doesn’t feel like waiting”, she said.
It did feel like waiting, but not like waiting for a bus to come on a rainy day or in line to pay a bill. It wasn’t the kind of waiting that left you irritated and stressed. It was the counting off days until Christmas kind of waiting. It was a quiet anticipation, a daydream you knew would come true someday. It was waiting for an inevitability; so it didn’t feel like waiting at all.
They kissed after that. And spend the entire early evening in each other’s arms, talking about everything and nothing at the same time. Later, Tobin showed Christen her drawings. Her hands danced over the sheet of paper, all along the lines her girlfriend had drawn. And she tells her it’s perfect, but Tobin never could take a compliment. So Christen peppered her jaw with kisses until she accepts that the dancer thinks she’s talented.
“What do you want to do tonight?”, Tobin asked once they finally unlatch from one another.
“I suppose we could stay in and watch Gentleman Jack and I could once again beg you to speak as if we’re in the Regency era”, Christen joked.
“You just wanna be the Anne to my other Anne”, Tobin said, opening the hotel window. She breathed in the new air and smiled when she felt Christen’s arms around her waist and her chin resting on her shoulder.
“And would that be such a bad thing?”, she asked, and joined in as Tobin laughed.
••
It was reassuring – dancing up on that stage and knowing Tobin was watching her. Watching over her, almost. She felt a lot safer with her there. Now when she danced, she danced for herself and for Tobin. To make them both proud.
As she left the stage she looked up at the control room and blew her a little kiss.
“What was that about?”, Danielle asked as they walked to the dressing room. “Who was that kiss for?”
“My girlfriend”, Christen answered coolly.
“She’s been sneaking out every night”, Magda said as she brushed past them. “Must be nice”.
“Is she part of the crew?”, Danielle asked.
Christen nodded. “She’s a light tech”.
“Oh, you mean hot Tobin?”, Lieke asked from somewhere in the dressing room.
Christen craned her neck to look over to the younger dancer sat across the room. “Yes?”
“Cool”, Lieke said and started talking off her make-up.
Christen shook her head, making nothing of the comment. She needed to clean off her face, let her hair down figuratively and literally and find her girlfriend.
She found Tobin outside on the steps and they took a car home. She wanted so badly to rest her head on Tobin’s shoulder and weave their hands together. She wanted to smell her and get drunk off her lavender and sandalwood scents and the floral notes of her shampoo. She wanted to bury her face in her neck and tell her she loved her.
But she couldn’t, so she settled for gently brushing the tips of her fingers against the back of Tobin’s hand. The brunette looked over at her and offered an understated smile.
She adored her smile – in which ever form it came. Wide and happy or shy and warm. She sighed softly and continued to trail her fingers over her hand.
“You were incredible again”, Tobin said as soon as they got out of the car and walked across the street towards the hotel. “How was it?”
“It was good”, Christen said and smiled at her. “It’s getting easier – performing in front of the crowd and you”, she said and nudged her shoulder against Tobin’s.
They split up so that Christen can go shower in her own room before heading back to Tobin’s. When she arrived, she found that dinner was already there.
“Looks lovely”, Christen said and settled on the couch next to her girlfriend. “How did you know I was in the mood for grilled chicken?”
“It’s your favourite, you know I gotchu. Also, the bread in freshly baked and the white wine is imported from Italy”. Tobin gave Christen her plate. “Enjoy”.
They ate in silence, until Christen remembered the dressing room.
“So, today I learned that you have a few admirers”, she said, biting at her lip.
Tobin had a frown on her face as she took a sip of wine. “What do you mean?”
“Some of the girls are calling you ‘hot Tobin’. Lieke nearly gave me a high-five when she heard we were dating”, Christen said inconspicuously.
“Really? I was sure they didn’t even notice me. I try to be as incognito as possible”, she said with a chuckle. “I’m literally in the shadows”.
“Well, clearly not”, the dancer said teasingly and faked a concerned expression on her face. “But a little competition never hurts, I’ll just up my game”.
“I only have eyes for you”, Tobin said and nudged Christen’s knee with her own. “I just didn’t think I made that much of an impression”, she said into her glass of wine.
“You made an impression on me”, Christen said and reached out to rest her hand on Tobin’s knee. “Or do you not remember how I pretty much stalked you until I found you again after that night?”
Tobin laughed and nodded. “I remember that”.
“I think I loved you then already”, she said and leaned in to give her a kiss on lips. “And I am not surprised that all the girls like you. I’m sure they’ve seen you carrying around lights and cables, flexing those biceps. Swoon-worthy”.
Tobin cut her off by kissing her, hard, and pulled her closer by her waist.
And Christen did get drunk off of her – her scent, her hands on her hips and her mouth. She climbed into her lap and straddled her.
“Are we still talking it slow?”, Tobin asked in-between kisses.
“Yes”, Christen breathed out and broke away from Tobin’s lips. “I just missed touching you – I can’t even hold your hand out on the town”.
“I know”, Tobin said, running a hand through the ends of Christen’s hair. “We’re together now”.
“That’s why we should make it count”. Christen ran a hand along Tobin’s jaw before kissing her again. When they finally break apart it’s only because she’d run out of breath. A couple of seconds was enough and they latch on to each other one more time.
Tobin drew Christen’s lip in between the bit of her teeth and tugged on it ever-so-slightly. The dancer let out and almost-whimper and rolled her hips against Tobin’s waist. She loved the way her body reacted to it all, but it was the same reactions that made her pull away.
“I think we should…”
“Yeah”, Tobin agreed softly.
“Maybe let’s just… talk?”, she suggested.
Tobin said and watched as Christen climbed off of her. “What do you wanna talk about, babe?”
Christen smiled at the unexpected pet name and swung her legs over Tobin’s. “How did you get so good at being a great girlfriend?”
Tobin chuckled lowly and gently massaged Christen’s feet, rubbing her arches. “I was in a serious relationship for a couple of years. I really loved her, but… it didn’t work out in the end”.
“So, you have experience?”
“Not with someone like you”, Tobin said and smiled. “I’ve never met anyone like you”.
“Good”, Christen said with a laugh.
“What about you? Any serious relationships?”
Christen shrugged. “Only one, but I was a lot younger then. I think I lost myself in her; it wasn’t good for me”.
“But did she make you happy, at least?”
“She did”, Christen confirmed. She thought back to years ago when she was a bright-eyed student dancer, hanging on to every word a wild, protester hippie said. They loved each other, but maybe Christen loved her more. “She showed me a different side of the world”.
“I’m glad”, Tobin said, still massaging her feet.
“Did your ex make you happy?”, she asked.
“She did, but… I was the one who hurt her”, Tobin said softly and looked down to the carpeted floor.
“I don’t believe that”, Christen quickly countered. “You’re one of the kindest, warmest people I know. You wouldn’t hurt a fly”.
“I was young then, and I was so caught up in trying to find my own bliss that I didn’t really treat her well. I let her down, I should’ve done better by her”.
“We’ve all made mistakes”, Christen said, sitting up. “We were kids. I was too in love with a girl who cared more about saving the world than me”.
“And I was so scared of being just another face in the crowd that I forget about making her happy”.
Christen rubbed circles on her back, sensing her hurt over the past. “You make me happy”.
Tobin leaned over and gave her a quick kiss on the lips. “Thanks for letting me”, she said. “Before you I was just some tech with too much love to give and no one to give it to. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Some nights I lie awake and I wrack my brain, trying to figure out how I got so lucky. How someone like you would want someone like me”.
“You’re amazing, Tobin. I should be the one wondering how I got you”, Christen said, eyebrows drawn closer together in a frown. “You’re the wish-upon-a-star, throw a penny in a fountain for kind of woman”, she said and smiled at her. “But don’t worry, I’ll keep saying it to you until you believe me”.
That night they laid in bed, limbs entangled, sharing in each other’s warmth. Christen trailed her finger along Tobin’s sharp jaw in the dark. Even in the low light she watched her sleep. She looked so peaceful, even with her lips slightly parted and her gentle snores filling the quiet room. Christen wished she could tell how much she meant to her so that she never doubted it again. She sighed and buried her face into Tobin's shoulder. She supposed she had the rest of their lives. The thought of the rest of her life with Tobin lulled her into peaceful sleep.
••
Nothing was better than waking up next to Christen, Tobin thought as she tried to free herself from her girlfriend’s torso draping over her. Her arm was lazily flung over her chest and her head was on her shoulder. She was pinned down, but she didn’t mind it one bit. It was a beautiful conundrum.
But she needed to use the bathroom, and she needed to see what the sunrise looked like in Finland. She carefully escaped her girlfriend and went about her morning rituals. She came back and opened the blinds, looking up at the Nordic skies. Every now and then she looked over to her slumbering girlfriend.
She snuck out for breakfast pastries and coffee and came back to find Christen stretched out on the bed, reading her novella. She looked up and smiled. “Good morning”.
“Hey, I got danishes and the lady at the bakery said they were Finnish danishes – it was quite confusing”, she said and went to sit next to Christen. “Are you ready for tonight?”, she asked and gave Christen her coffee.
“Thank you, baby”, she said and took a sip. “I am, I feel good”.
“I can’t wait to see you on stage. I never tire of watching you dance. It’s honestly the best part of my job”.
Christen gave her a peck on the cheek. “What do you wanna do today?”
“Anything. We can go see some sights or just chill here”, she said. “Both excellent choices, but if we stayed in we can do this”, she said and kissed Christen softly.
Hours before the show, Tobin and Leon checked to make sure everything was in order.
“We’re going to Germany next, are you going to see your family?”, Tobin asked as she inspected one of the light fixtures.
“Ya, you and Christen should come with me. My parents will love you – they love love”, he said with a bright smile.
Tobin laughed. “I don’t know if that’s the sort of hot date I should be taking Christen on”.
He shrugged. “Alright, but you’re missing out”. He checked a switch. “How are things with you and Christen?”
“Great”, Tobin said and couldn’t hide the smile that had formed on her lips. “She’s amazing”.
“I want to be the best man at your wedding”, the German said and patted Tobin on her shoulder.
“I mean, we’ve not talking about wedd-”
“I know what true loves looks like. And I see it in the way you both glow these days”, Leon said and winked. “People shouldn’t waste time, they should just be together. I’m going to go make sure Mason and the guys are set up in the back”.
Tobin watched as he left and wondered if she should even tell Christen about the conversation. She shook her head to herself and moved up the steps to the control room.
That night she watched Christen dance and a million things went through her head all at once. She loved her and wanted her and needed her, but more than that – sometimes she wondered what life was like before Christen. She honestly couldn’t remember anymore.
Oh right, she thought as her eyes move along with the dancers on stage. She was a purist, judging the ultra-rich aristocracy who used the theatre as a way to appear cultured and refined. Everyday she had a new internal rant over how sacred the stage really was.
She was lonely and the nights were long and cold. And sometimes she wanted to go back home because the flights were tiring and the hotels smelled like cleaning products. And all she wanted was a place in the sun to sit and read books or sketch kaleidoscopes and dream.
But now she relished the trip around the world because she got to see Christen in every beautiful place. She gets to love her in all the places she’s ever loved. Kiss under London rains and hold her during an African thunderstorm. She got to tell her the stories she kept inside and show her the art she wanted to make.
Maybe that one singer of that one song that one time was right – maybe the world was built for two.
Christen took a bow, and Tobin gave a standing ovation.
This was how it was meant to be.
≈≈≈
Tobin popped another piece of salted caramel candy in her mouth, another show was done. Another two hours well spent. She got up and stretched her arms. Leon and the rest of the crew were already busy taking things down, so she went to the staff restroom. She never left the control room, not even during intermission.
She came back humming the melody of one of the songs from the show and saw that almost everything was already switched off, save for the low lights fixed on the stage. She looked down and was about to call out to the stagehands that they needed to finish up, but she never did. Instead, her gaze was drawn to the dancer who was sat centre stage.
The girl who had hurt herself in Milan. The one who she would often see with AirPods in her ears. The one with whom she’d only locked eyes with once but whose eyes she never forgot.
Christen! We were just looking for you. Crystal and I are getting drinks. Do you want to tag along?”, another dancer asked in a Dutch accent.
Her response was quiet and uncertain. “I’m very tired. I just wanna get to the hotel, take a shower and sleep. I’m really sorry”.
The other girl pouted. “Next time then”, she said and turned to leave, halting only when a brown-haired stagehand spoke to her.
“You were amazing tonight”.
“Thanks Mason”, she said and chatted with him as they walked to the back.
The green-eyed dancer watched the exchange and Tobin watched her. She watched as she waited until there was almost no one around before she got up and waked across the stage.
What it must have felt like; to lose her place as a lead dancer. To be relegated to the chorus line, to be so talented only to be hidden behind others. Tobin sympathised, more so, she wanted to do something to show that she still appreciated her. That even though things were hard now, she still saw the starlight inside of her. Just in case she had forgotten.
Tobin didn’t think twice, she leaned over and switched on the ash blue spotlight again, and it was right on her.
The dancer looked up towards the control room and shaded her eyes from the light with the back of her hand. Tobin took a step back.
She took two steps forward in an attempt to continue walking across the stage and to get away from the light. But as soon as she set her foot down for a third pace, Tobin shined the light on her again. It was rather fun, teasing her like this.
She paused and took three steps back, and Tobin had pressed the buttons to maneuver the light with each of her steps.
“Hello! Is anyone up there?”, she called out. “Montre toi!”, she asserted in perfect French.
She took a step to the left so she would be out of the trailing light and looked up at the gallery.
The jig was up and Tobin decided to step out of the control room. A harmless prank, really, but she didn’t want the dancer to get scared.
“I’m sorry”, she said from the very top of the spiral staircase. “I didn’t mean to scare you, I just…”, she took a few steps down “…I just thought you deserved a little bit more spotlight”.
No, Tobin thought as she got halfway down the stairs and found the dancer’s eyes from across the room, you deserve all the spotlight.