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Being on the idol board is a feeling that can’t really be described. You just have to experience it.
That doesn’t mean it’s pleasant. Or that it’s wanted.
Hewitt had never felt more sick in his life. It wasn’t the first time he’s been on the idol board, no that was last season when the Breath Mints had inexplicably been chosen as wild cards and he was good . So good that he just had to be attacked by consumers. He had come home broken and bloodied, trying not to let his pain show in front of Marco- he didn’t need him worrying the rest of them- and he had just lied down, called his boyfriend to let them know he was alright, and sighed.
He was too good now. The attention had all been on him, on praising him, on loving him- no, the idea of him- and using him for money. He couldn’t fault them, everyone was doing what they needed to to survive, but it made him sick to his stomach. The nauseous feeling accompanied by the knowledge that he wouldn’t be missed if he had died because of people’s love for him, but because they wouldn’t be making enough money, all used to seal his fate and change his destiny. That if- when. He has to remind himself it was when now, there wasn’t any hypothetical to be had here. When he had been attacked by the Consumers they hadn’t felt bad for him, but for the fact that he wouldn’t perform as well as he had been.
He hates the idol board.
The Consumer attack had left him shaky. He knew that it had left him with more than just a surface level scar and an ache in his left shoulder whenever he stepped up to the plate, but his soul too. He didn’t have very much left. He knew that. In fact, he was a single attack away from being redacted now.
Fuck.
Nothing scared Hewitt more than not knowing what comes next. He was always clever, good at problem solving, and always one step ahead of the game. But this time? There’s no “keeping up” to be had. It’s all or nothing, luck and chance.
He tries to make his peace with the fact that he has so little soul left (one more. Only one more and he’s gone.) but it's hard when he knows there’s no clear cut path to come back to the Breath Mints. The fans never built a Secret Base, it’d be virtually impossible to be returned to where he was- just one more thing to hate them for, he supposes. It’s more than just that that gets into his head, though. There’s the constant thought of what if you don’t come back that sits in the back of his mind, lurking and waiting for the best time to remind him of his worst case scenario. Redacted players that don’t come back after a few days, even after a few seasons, who just get stuck wherever you go when you get redacted.
The thought of tireless labor where you don't get compensated and are forced to play against your will is something so TERRIFYING to him, not because it’s anything he hasn’t experienced, he’s had his fair share of underpaid and overworked jobs in his past, but his greatest fear is not even knowing it’s happening. Or worse, that he’s being coerced into doing whatever it is, possibly even brainwashed. He doesn’t know much about blaseball, not even now 30 years after he started playing, but he does know he doesn’t want to be the next Pods.
He's torn between hating his ego and being grateful because he’s terrified of the unknown that is being redacted.
He hates all this coin bullshit, he hated it when he wasn't on the idol board and now that he’s been ego boosted he hates it even more. He has so many feelings that are complicated about it
He hates the coin. He hates her SO much. But he also doesn't want to die . He knows getting redacted isn't DYING. He’ll come back. Somewhere, but that's getting taken away from his FAMILY, which, for any amount of time is an unpleasant thought.
(This is also why he did not vibe at all with being forced to play for the crabs. Hewitt’s worst nightmare is being controlled.There was no control in that single game in Season 17, sure there wasn’t in any other time in blaseball, but it was different for some reason. Maybe because it felt personal. Maybe because he had known that’s how Cerveza got stolen the season before. It could’ve just been game jitters,
Ego is still very much an unknown to him and while it's still MORE known, comparative to the total lack of knowledge of what happens when people are redacted (he’s tried figuring it out often, he may be shy but when he has a goal he isn’t afraid to pursue it. But apparently no one who comes back from being redacted knows what happened while they were there. It's not comforting to know that.), he's scared that having Ego and being at peace with having it makes him a shill. He’s even more worried that it might make him more susceptible to being manipulated in the workplace later. He doesn't trust the coin at all, and now he’s a part of something that has literally changed his soul.
None of the mints can really understand the idol experience, save for Winnie who he loves dearly but doesn’t quite feel like he can trust with his feelings that he so rarely shares. She’s also a horse and while she can talk to him and they regularly have conversations, he doesn’t think that they have the same type of experience on the idol board (not that he had actually tried talking to her. He had always been stubborn in that way.) None of the rest of the Mints have actually ever been on the idol board, so they don’t really know how disgusted and torn he’s feeling beyond the general hating being a part of the system. Of course they’re worried about him, they’re so worried, but they just don’t know what to do in this situation between it being the closest thing to an actual EMOTION Hewitt has shown in a setting of more than 3 people since Boyfriend died and and just not even knowing where to start with the idol board and ego. So they sit on the sidelines, and hope he’s ok.
He's so scared of what ego is going to do to him. He knows it'll help him in the long run, if he can get on base at the exact right time and just stay on , he knows that it's DESIGNED to help him. But it can't JUST be that. its fucking BLASEBALL, theres ALWAYS more than what it looks like. He might not have ever gone to college, but that doesn’t mean he’s stupid. He’s the smartest person he knows, no degree will change that.
He doesn’t like having the ego boost, He HATES it. He hates how he can FEEL himself being different, and hates the feeling of being on the idol board, but he KNOWS that it’s the only thing that is even POSSIBLY keeping him safe
And he hates how conflicted it makes him feel.
He needs to have the security that he won’t get redacted because he’s scared of what that really MEANS but he also is terrified of the thought that he could become a tool of the system and a corporate shill.
Hewitt really wants to protect the team and every season, but especially since Season 7, he secretly hopes that the team won't make the playoffs. Call him superstitious or an old man, but he just knows being in the spotlight means bad things. The rest of the team brushed off his concerns, the ways that he would be overly cautious about his plays and his want to improve as a team, but he was careful. He always was.
Then he got on the idol board, the biggest possible spotlight for players.
Selfishly, like he feels so bad for thinking they shouldn’t make the playoffs, but he DOES genuinely want this. He doesn't want to make it to the playoffs because that's the only time he's on the idol board and knows that's when he can be traded away with plunder.
And HE doesnt wanna be separated.
Above all he is terrified for HIMSELF, and what HIS future is.
He hides it under the fact that he cares so deeply about his FAMILY.
But he just keeps getting better. He knows that that can make his family be in danger and the better he gets the more vulnerable they all are to consumers. He will never forget when Marq was attacked viciously, with no remorse in the consumer's soulless eyes, and it was because of him . Marq had nothing , and yet they still attacked him, when all it should’ve been him. He had been so helpless .
Then he realizes, oh my god pdz would be so upset if I got traded.
Suddenly he’s even more scared, he didn’t even think that was possible.
And even ANGRIER.
He is an angry person by nature, but he hides it under the fact that he is also a caring person who is always monitoring his emotions. Because he needs to have a good face for people because he’s the union rep. He needs to be reasonable. He can be mean and he can be demanding but he needs to LOOK like he has it under control. He is still a very shy person of course, that's just who he is. He also holds everything in because of it.
Outwardly he’s just SO mad about the entire situation with Ego because he should be! He is!!! And the idol board sucks because it's entirely antithetical to his entire life’s philosophy. But also he is so scared. And THAT is what makes him tick, why he’s so bothered by everything, it’s because he doesn't WANT people to know he's scared.
His reaction to seeing himself on the idol board is exactly the same every time, and it is one of intense anger. Not one of his teammates has seen him this angry in his life . He is SEETHING with rage in a way that no one has even seen from him but he is so OBVIOUSLY trying to keep it cool and hide it.
Until someone tries to ask his if hes ok, and he just fucking goes off.
He’s yelling. He never yells, and he especially never yells at his teammates. He is all but screaming because NO he ISN’T ok. He was already mad the FIRST time he got on the idol board (the season prior when they were the wildcard) and then now that he's not just on the idol board but he has this EGO now.
He can FEEL how the Ego is changing him. That's part of why he’s avoiding Yeong-Ho and not picking up the phone (because they DEFINITELY try to call when they hear, but they haven’t even gotten a peep out of him about why he’s been so mad recently) because he doesn't want them to know that his personality has somehow changed.
Hewitt Best is high-key freaking out. Something that has never been said in the history of ever. He’s really going through it and like it’s not even a season after his consumer attack. It scares people because he NEVER loses it, and he freaks out about how his image is ruined too. He doesn’t care about image really but he DOES care that people think that he’s put together and that he knows what he's doing. But now with this unknown and the go it's so clear that he DOESN’T know and that terrifies him. He likes to be in control of himself at all times and this new personality of his is just completely out of his control.
He likes it when he is comfortable and he KNOWS what’s happening or has an idea of how it’s going to happen, and when he has an idea on how to push back against any opposition to what he has to say. That’s why he’s so comfortable with Union negotiations- there’s a flow to it that he understands well. But this ISN’T some argument and this ISN’T some negotiation this is something that he just doesn’t know but something that so DIRECTLY impact him and CHANGES him fundamentally on some level and he doesn’t know how that will play out
That’s what makes him finally break. He’s sobbing into his pillow trying not to be too loud or he’ll wake Marco up, and he calls Yeong-Ho and they talk, really talk for the first time on the phone since he’s started to notice his Ego changes and they’re better for it, but he can’t help but feel bad.
Like yeah he is winning but that’s not his fucking goal!!! His goal is to protect his little family and that’s it. He doesn’t care about winning if it costs lives.
He's not as close to some people as others on the team. There's many people that he considers to be family, and no one will even come close to PDZ and Leach and even Marco to an extent, but he still CARES about them and he DOESN'T care about winning at ALL and he HATES being good at the game but he knows that being good is what keeps him safe until it DOESN'T because he's TOO good.
When Nagomi and York get Vaulted, he doesn’t react well. The price for Ego has been made clear, the price for being too good at the game laid in front of everyone to see. The Vault, another mystery he would rather keep in the shadows of his life. The Vault may be a place, but no one really knows where it is. He assumes he would ascend on his own. He does not want to go to heaven.
He’s relieved when he sees the soul patches in the Gift Shop in season 18. It’s the first time it’s been open, and as much as he has a complex relationship with him being good at the splort, he has a small moment of relief when he knows the fans will invest in soul patches for him to extend his time here, because he is good at blaseball. And when you are good at blaseball, the fans want to reward you. He is comforted by this fact, though he knows his treatment is based solely on performance and the second he slips up he will be gone.
He knows this because he sees PDZ get faxed into the shadows on Day 69 of Season 18. And he is sobbing and heartbroken, because how could the fans be so cruel for taking them away from him.
He feels like a fool for praying to the gods, because the next day he is incinerated.
So much for the Ego.