Archive of Our Own ^beta

When they were eight, Chifuyu and Takemichi met up in the old parking lot next to the Sano family’s house, awake in the ungodly hour of the night, the moonlight filtering through the trees. Darkness stretched far and wide, and Chifuyu’s blade glistened in his hand.

They were both tired and sleepy, so this felt like walking in a dream.

“Okay, okay,” Takemichi said, smiling. He sat down, and his friend followed, facing him. He gestured. “Gimme the blade.”

Chifuyu, with plump cheeks and big, sharp eyes, stuck his tongue out. “No! I’ll go first!”

Takemichi huffed in the air, but watched in focused fascination as Chifuyu sliced his own palm, the blood trailing across the edge. His mind went static. Chifuyu handed him the blade next, and his cut went deeper than he meant. Takemichi winced, and swiped a tongue over the wound.

“Disgusting, Takemichi! We’re gonna hold hands, you know?”

“Eh, but blood is more disgusting than saliva anyway.”

Chifuyu didn’t argue with that. He held out his hand, beckoning him closer. Takemichi gripped it tight, and thought that that wasn't as painful as he anticipated. Chifuyu’s hand was warm, and although it stung, it made him feel like they’re now intertwined in blood, in spirit. As if Chifuyu’s blood streamed to his skin, seeped inside his wound, made a brand right to his bones.

He smiled. “Bestfriends forever?”

Chifuyu’s grin was bigger. “Partners forever.”

“Never lie.”

“Or betray.”

“Or keep a secret.”

“Promise?”

Takemichi brought their linked hands higher. “It’s an oath.”

“Eternal and everlasting!”

“I don’t even know what those mean.” Or how to even spell those.

“It means forever,” assured Chifuyu, not holding back a bright smile. 

The wound healed, eventually, though neither of them put a band-aid to it, like they’re both spellbound in the sting. It turned into a scar after a few days, and Takemichi liked it the most over any part of his body.

During their third year of elementary school, Takemichi befriended a group of friends that call themselves Mizo Middle. Chifuyu and him made fun of their proclaimed name behind their backs, but when it came to actually getting to know them, Takemichi thought they weren’t all that bad. 

Akkun was a lot more mature than he lets on, sometimes Takemichi wondered if he was several years older, because he had an expression like one. But he laughed big with the others when Takuya trip over himself, ran away from teachers when he was called, and styled his hair differently every day to see if anyone could bet right if he had altered something. Chifuyu and Takemichi became rather fond of them instantly.

But there was still something different, Takemichi thought. They were friends, but it was not the same, and it was evident by how they sat together during lunch, when Mizo middle gathered on one side of the table and Chifuyu and Takemichi on the other side, like they couldn’t be bothered to have anyone else. The two of them unknowingly created their own bubble, and it was better that way.

Chifuyu invited them over for his 9th birthday because he was sweet like that. There were cakes and balloons and other visitors from Chifuyu’s family, and when it was time to come to his room, Takemichi hesitated. Chifuyu’s room was their hideout, if anyone else entered, it won’t be the same again.

Mizo Middle noticed it, particularly Akkun, who laughed and said, “I get it, I get it. Let’s just play outside!”

No one talked about it after. They played in the snow and laid flatly across the soft ground and made snow angels. When dawn came, the Mizo Middle went home, dumb smiles on their faces. Chifuyu would later tell him, once they were alone in his room, that it had been the happiest birthday of his life, and they’d snuggle to each other until the lights turned off.

They’d watch movies together until dark and Chifuyu would have to be fetched. Takemichi enjoyed playing the hero together. He stitched his cape, red and fading in the edges, swung it around him and shouted, “I’m a hero!”

Chifuyu played the villain, sometimes, or the victim, even though Takemichi was the weaker one to both of them. Chifuyu’s kicks were high and he could take on boys bigger than himself. Once, Takemichi saved a girl who was being bullied by a group of boys, and Chifuyu swung his feet and the boy, bigger than any of them, collapsed immediately.

He thought it was Shinichiro who taught him that move, the guy next door who owned a cool motorbike (he and Chifiyu played with it once, when the older man unknowingly parked it in front of Chifuyu’s house. Takemichi had accidentally pressed his lower leg against the uncovered exhaust muffler, fresh from the heat of a ride, and got a second-degree burn. They learned their lesson and never mounted it again).

“I saw Shinichiro-san’s brother kicked a boy across a face once. Then I tried to learn it,” Chifuyu told him instead. The two best friends rarely see the other two Sano siblings aside from Shinichiro since they don’t exactly go to the same school, but Takemichi knew that they were both blond and had American names (he had forgotten what those are, sadly). 

During their first month in summer, Chifuyu found a cat which he named as Peke J. It had black fur and black pupils surrounded by yellow rings and its eyes, chillingly enough, glowed in the darkness. Takemichi avoided staring at it too much for the first few weeks, but once it rubbed its paw against him, all his reservations crumbled immediately.

“He’s so cute, Chifuyu!”

“It’s a she .”

“Oh. Right.” He took the cat to his arms, and basked in its warmth. “I kind of want to take her home now.”

Chifuyu snatched his cat from him. “No way! Peke J.’s my pet!”

“She could be my pet too!”

“Yeah, but you’re not taking her!”

“That’s selfish!” He stood up. “You know what— I’m buying my own cat!”

Takemichi ended up not buying anything, he returned several minutes after, the argument forgotten and he was stoking Peke J’s fur. Thrice a week, Chifuyu would let Takemichi borrow Peke J, dress him up and stuff. Sometimes, they take her to the forest next to the school’s yard, and they’d play hide and seek, or soak themselves in the lake, or collect insects and compete. It was all cozy, like riding in clouds and finding no routine because each day was new and brimming.

If anyone were to ask what place he wanted to be in the most, he wouldn’t miss a beat to say right next to where Chifuyu would be.

The month before another school year started, Chifuyu had to transfer schools to a province. It was before they turn for fourth grade in elementary, and Takemichi wailed and protested and threw a tantrum with everything in him.

When nothing changed, he crumpled himself in the corner of his room, buried his face to his knees because the tears won’t stop, like it was all his entire body is filled with.

He heard a loud slam on the ground next to his window. He lifted his head, his face covered with snots and tears and sweat. “Chifuyu!”

Chifuyu made a stifled sound at the back of his throat that seemed to be between a snort and laughter. “Takemichi, you crybaby.”

There was no bite to his words, not when his swollen eyes were noticeable as well. Chifuyu leaped from the windowsill of his room, impressively, as if he didn’t come from the ground to the second floor. Nowadays, his best friend was getting better at climbing walls like a monkey, with seemingly no gravity that could pull him down.

“Stop crying, it’s not like I’ll live there forever.”

“You’ll live there for 2 years. Sounds like forever to me.”

“Geez, you’re too dramatic!”

But Takemichi had already dragged himself to his feet, giggling despite everything. He fisted Chifuyu’s shirt, sniffing. “You’ll call, won’t you?”

“Of course silly. Every night and day.”

“Afternoon too,” he said, a pitch higher than intended to. “And then I’ll send you letters.”

Chifuyu embraced him. “I’ll do that too.”

Five nights before, right after learning of Chifuyu's departure, the two decided to leave by themselves, adults, and their awful choices be damned. But they barely left the town with heavy baggage before their parents noticed them gone.

“Don’t make a new bestfriend while I’m gone,” Chifuyu warned.

“Of course I won’t. Same with you.”

“I’ll be lonely there.”

“Me too.”

They lasted a few minutes hugging before Takemichi’s mother called for him from downstairs, shouting that Chifuyu was missing from his house and his parents were looking for them. Takemichi laughed, and laughed, and when he calmed down, he told her he’s right here with him.

They earned a smack on their necks, but it was worth it.

Fourth year of elementary dragged on with Chifuyu’s absence next to him, until Takemichi soon lost the sense of time but he didn’t stop waiting. Akkun and the others still hang out with him, but it was getting more difficult to fake his smile everyday. They called and wrote letters, but in the gaps where he’s not hearing his bestfriend’s voice, or feeling his words in his letters, the terrible loneliness would gape within him. 

Chifuyu left Peke J with him, like his substitute of sorts, and he liked cuddling her because he smelled like his bestfriend a lot. During lonely nights, Takemichi would pinch the scar on his palm until it started stinging, and he’d fall asleep with it.

Takemichi met her during his fifth year in elementary. It wasn’t their first meeting, not-coincedentally, she was the same girl Chifuyu and him saved from a group of nasty friends. 

Her name was Hinata Tachibana, and she had the loveliest of smiles.

She was tiny and bright, like a walking sun. When Hina accidentally touched his elbow, he felt a sudden surge of electricity, something he had never experienced before. 

Takemichi didn’t know what to look forward for during his next call with Chifuyu, but when he started talking, he realized he had rambled on about Hina for fifteen minutes straight.

“ Chifuyu, Chifuyu, she’s so charming, ” Chifuyu singsang, a poor mimic from his manga texts, a pitch purposely higher. “ She has pretty amber eyes that glow like gold under a bright morning sky, ”

Takemichi frowned, even though Chifuyu wasn’t here to be able to see it. “I don’t sound like that.”

“ You definitely do! ” From the other side of the line, he heard Chifuyu crack loudly. “ This is so funny! ”

“Stop making fun of me, Chifuyu! I’m serious! Is there something wrong with me?”

“ He thinks something’s wrong with him! ” He sounded hysterical as he laughed, and he heard a thunderous slam followed by an owie sound. Chifuyu must have fallen from his bed. Must be karma. “ This is the funniest shit ever, Takemichi. ”

He blushed. “Shut up! I’m ending the call!”

“ I’m just kidding! Hahaha! Well, what do you think this means, then? ”

He nibbled on his bottom lip, he felt small under the plentiful stars across the sky. “I think I like her.”

Silence. Too much dose of it that Takemichi thought he had gone deaf in one ear. 

“Chifuyu? Are you still there?”

“…. Uh, yeah. I just had— my mom just called me. Dinner. I’ll get back later. ”

There should be more to it than that, but he soon heard three beeps. Takemichi pulled his phone down and hugged his knees. It was still 5 pm, Chifuyu’s family was having dinner earlier than any other day. He sighed when cold air brushed along his face.

He missed his bestfriend.

*

Somewhere, a boy wished the moon was black instead of silver.

*

Hina saw him rubbing his hands together one winter morning, trying to create friction for some heat. She took his hand, intertwined them, but Takemichi felt warmest in his stomach.

“There,” she said, playing innocent. “Warmer, isn’t it?”

Takemichi found himself liking her more and more each day. 

“She definitely likes you,” Takuya said one time. Their houses were near each other, sometimes Takemichi walked with him home. “You should ask her out.”

“Would she say yes?” He didn’t want to ruin their friendship.

“Definitely. Anyone with eyes would know.”

“Do you think I should ask her out?”

“ How about you wait? You’re not sure yet, are you?”

“No, but…”

“ If you think it’ll go fine, you should… ask her then. Before it’s too late .”

“You think?”

“ I don’t know… I have no idea how this whole thing works, honestly. ”

“Hey, Chifuyu.”

“ Yeah? ”

“I’ll just ask her out once you’re back.”

Takemichi hang out in her room, sometimes, and it was a place that was a manifestation of her personality, all things tidy and bearing aesthetic. He liked it as much as his own room. 

Hina had a mole on the left corner of her mouth, and Takemichi unconsciously stared at it fondly everytime she laughed. 

One of the days he visited her, Takemichi had forgotten his phone back home, until the sun sunk in the horizon, replaced by a moonless night. 

He went home, fell asleep right away, and when he woke up and checked his phone, almost felt his heart plummet when he saw more than 50 missed calls from Chifuyu.

“Shit, I’m so sorry—”

“ Asshole .”

Chifuyu immediately dropped the call. They didn’t talk for a week straight. It was just one day , to receive such cold treatment for a week isn’t fucking acceptable. Takemichi almost hated him for that. When he told that to Hina, she smiled sadly and apologized, even when it had not been her fault.

Takemichi still sent Chifuyu texts everyday, and when it didn’t work, handwritten letters. Chifuyu ignored all of them.

Takemichi was about to play his game right back at him. You’ll ignore me? Fine, I’ll ignore you too, see how long until one of us breaks.

Then Chifuyu called and Takemichi forgot all about that game.

“Sorry. I was just upset. I shouldn’t have treated you like that. That was awful of me. ”

His eyes welled up. “And an idiot. Seriously, I missed you, you jerk.”

“ Are you crying? I said I’m sorry! ”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m sorry too. That won’t happen again, I promise.”

A beat of silence. “ You like her a lot, don’t you? ”

“I do,” he admitted. “But I don’t love her."

“ Oh. You’re right. I was an idiot. ”

Takemichi giggled and fell asleep to the sound of his breathing, both of them forgetting to end the call.

It was exactly the month when he left that Chifuyu returned, two years later. Takemichi literally had no idea he was to come home in Shibuya that day, but when he spotted the familiar van in Matsuno’s house front, he instantly knew .

It was the longest run he had in his entire life. Chifuyu sprung from the van, with the same undercut hair, the same gold hoop on his left ear, the same eyes, the same bewildered look on his face as he saw Takemichi speed up toward him, the same voice as he called out his name —

He fell to his arms, Takemichi almost shoving Chifuyu to the ground in the moment of lost momentum. 

“Asshole! You didn’t tell me you’re coming today!” He aggressively wiped his tears, damn these tear glands—

Chifuyu laughed and laughed, and goddamnit , Takemichi missed his voice a great deal. “Surprise?” he said teasingly.

Takemichi punched him on the shoulder with no real force behind it. “Jerk. Son of a bitch. Bastard. Dickhead—”

“I get it already! I’m sorry, alright?!”

Takemichi didn’t say anything, reduced to a clingy boy as he hung on to Chifuyu, terrified he’ll disappear again if his grip was any looser

He hugged him tight and unyielding until both of them couldn’t seem to breathe anymore.

*

Time resumed again now that Chifuyu is back in his life, easily claiming his place next to him as if he had never left at all. Mizo Middle created a celebration out of it, saying that Takemichi now looked brighter than he had been for the whole two years.

Takemichi introduced him to Hina, and he must have imagined it when Chifuyu visibly tensed and froze when his gaze locked with hers.

“Hello!” she chirped, and smiled wide. “I heard a lot about you from Takemichi!”

“Oh.” He seemed to hesitate before shaking her hand. “I heard a lot about you too. You really do have pretty amber eyes.”

Takemichi and Hina simultaneously blushed. Takemichi turned to his friend with an honest look of betrayal. “Chifuyu?!”

“What? I’m just telling the truth—”

“You can’t just tell people that!” Oh god, he’s so embarrassed now. When he stole a glance over Hina, a smile was playing by her lips, tender and shy in her softened features. Perhaps he should actually thank Chifuyu later.

Takemichi asked her out on his birthday. It was all sudden and a spur-of-the-moment decision. Hinata was a pretty visage in the sunset, accentuated by the gold of her dress, and he couldn’t help himself. He was walking her home when he confessed everything.

She returned his feelings.

On his way back, the world melted in a half-dreamy state, his cheeks were starting to ache from grinning excessively. He subconsciously danced and swayed in his steps like a lovestruck fool as he trailed back to Chifuyu’s house. His bestfriend, partner and everything, barely looked up from his manga to say, “You look like a dumbass.”

He didn’t care, so he said, “I asked Hina to a date and she said yes.”

Chifuyu dropped his book. He stared at Takemichi as if his own ears betrayed him. “You did?”

But Takemichi, young and giggling and too in love, didn’t pay attention to any of that. “I did! I just said, ‘I like you, can we date’ and it was so lame and all, but she was blushing, and I was ready to pass out— and then, she said, ‘Okay, I’ve been waiting too long, Takemichi, you know!’ And oh. My. God. Chifuyu, I thought I was going to die. Is this how to fall in love, I can’t — I think I’m liking her too much, do I even deserve her—”

Chifuyu took him by the shoulders. Takemichi had been lost in his daydream; he hadn’t even noticed him get near. “Calm down. You’re going too fast. So… you’re dating her now?”

He nodded six times.

Chifuyu’s hands fell to his sides. “Oh.”

“Oh?” he repeated, perplexed. Something about his eyes didn’t feel right with Takemichi. “Is something wrong?”

Chifuyu withdrew back like he had just realized himself. “No. I’m just not feeling well. I’m sorry. I think it’s the weather.” 

“Oh. I see.” The energy retreated from him, concern taking over. “You should rest.”

He nodded. “I will. I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for, dummy.” He turned for the door. He should let his bestfriend rest, first. Excitement could come later.

“Um, Takemichi?”

“Yes?”

“Congratulations. I’m happy for you.”

He smiled at him softly. Something nagged the back of his mind, but he didn’t have much clues to ponder too much about it. “Thank you. It means a lot to me. Get well soon, Chifuyu.”

Dating Hina took in the form of cloudless mornings and bright nights, every day warm regardless of time, or where he is. 

If their relationship was a novel, then it would be the cheesy kind where every chapter was more exciting than the last, where it kept him in his toes every time, longing and longing, the kind where he’d lose sleep for.

Perhaps it was for that same reason that Takemichi unknowingly loses control of his friendship with Chifuyu, and slowly, gradually, the boy he had sworn his life to was slipping from his fingers like cinders. 

He rarely came over to his place anymore, he’s with Hina these days, like he found someone new to orbit to. When he noticed the change, it was all too late.

He was sitting on Chifuyu’s bed uninvited, Peke J on his lap, waiting for his bestfriend to go home. When Chifuyu did enter the room, he was a picture of absolute shock.

“You— What the fuck are you doing here?”

Peke J leaped from his lap to rub herself against Chifuyu’s thigh. Takemichi swallowed. Now that they were here, he didn’t know where to start. “Are you mad at me?”

Takemichi wished he was given a warning before Chifuyu avoided his eyes and appeared severely broken that the sting struck home into Takemichi’s chest. “Why are you asking?”

He faltered. “I feel like you are.” 

Chifuyu moved his gaze to him. “And if I am?”

“Then I’ll break up with Hina,” Takemichi replied, sounding strangled. It will hurt, yes, but this was a lot more unbearable. Chifuyu’s eyes widened like the moon. “I feel like I’m losing you, Chifuyu, and I can’t have that—”

“No, shit, no, no.” Chifuyu moved from across the room to him, like he’s been told to jump from a cliff. And then. he’s towering over Takemichi, his expression dark, yet something else is in there, something he couldn’t place. “Listen, Takemichi, you don’t break up with her because of me . Fuck, I didn’t mean, shit—” He ran a hand over his hair, frustrated, messing it further. He looked thoroughly conflicted, like he was lost. “You-You're happy with her. Don’t you do that, Takemichi. Not for anyone.”

“Except if it’s you.” Takemichi didn’t back down. He loved Hina, but Chifuyu meant to him more than anything in the world.

“No. Not even if it’s for me. I’m so fucking mad at you for even thinking that!” The sudden shout made Peke J jump. “If you break up with her, Takemichi, we’re done for. Screw all that oath—” He paused with his face gone chalk-white. “Ugh.” He paced back, opened the door that led to the rest of the house, went out and slammed the door close.

Seconds later, he returned, furious and screaming, “Wait, this is my freaking room! You’re the one who should leave!”

“Am I forgiven?” he asked, picking Peke J off the floor.

“No!” Chifuyu’s eyes narrowed, like he’s surprised at himself. Takemichi would have laughed at such an adorably confused expression if there wasn’t a gaping hole in his heart. “I mean— I’ll think about it.”

“Okay,” he said. “That sounds fair.”

“Okay.”

Chifuyu sighed. “Okay.”

Takemichi slept over in his room that night. Chifuyu didn’t complain, so maybe that could be the start of being forgiven.

Dating Hina had been like a novel, with pages fresh from ink and one he could fall asleep reading, but like any novel, it had an ending, and the last page was flipped sooner than he thought.

“Let’s break up.”

If this was a bad dream, Takemichi wanted to wake up already, slapped by his mother for staying late, then he’ll go over Chifuyu’s house, and Hina’s next, and they’ll restart December 23th all over again.

It was not supposed to go like this. The day was supposed to be lighter. Brighter. Softer. Like winter. 

But this wasn’t a bad dream, nor could he ever go back to the past to restart. 

Hina bowed, even if she’s crying, she still managed to make herself look presentable. “I’m sorry, Takemichi.”

Takemichi was frozen struck, broken to pieces, and he even told Chifuyu he was ready to break up with her when he can’t even—

He didn’t ask why, didn’t say the final goodbye, didn’t even cry when she turned and left without looking back. He went straight to Chifuyu’s house, a stark contrast to the last time, when he had been giddy and dizzy, now he walked like a zombie trapped in a lively present time. His bestfriend didn’t comment at the devastated look on his face, instead stayed silent as he moved to provide enough space for Takemichi to land on.

Takemichi cried on the sheets of his bed when the reality of everything sank in. It was his first breakup, and it was as if something ripped his heart apart and replaced the contents with needles. 

Takemichi wondered if he’d die crying. 

The smell of freshly baked cookies and hot chocolate wafted to him. Takemichi sank deeper into the cushion as Chifuyu walked with his tray, and he looked like a goddamn angel at this point. 

He settled it down on the table and offered one of the mugs to Takemichi, who held on to Peke J like she’s his dear life. “Here, partner.”

Chifuyu was wearing one of his oversized sweaters, the one that covered half of his palms. Takemichi wished he had one like that too, it looked pretty comfy and soft. And— well, Takemichi thought he didn’t actually need to have one, because his bestfriend sat next to him, and Takemichi didn’t waste time clinging to his furry sweater. 

Chifuyu swerved to the side, missing him by an inch. “Wait— no cuddling yet. I’m holding a steaming cup.”

Takemichi pouted, but retreated back. “I thought you’re going to the shrine with your family.”

He grinned flippantly. “I told them I felt sick.”

It elicited a laugh out of him. “You sneak.”

“For good reason though.”

Takemichi grinned before taking a sip of his beverage. The warmth spread throughout him fervently. Thinking about Hina still hurt, but it was getting better.

“So,” he began, turning on his T.V. and pressing for Netflix. “It’s still three hours before Christmas. What are we gonna watch?” He faced his besfriend, and caught him staring. “What?”

Chifuyu ducked his face. “Uh—Ghibli marathon?”

They’ve watched all of the movies a billion times already. Yet. Yet . “Spirited Away first!”

“No wait, Howl’s—”

   When morning came, he was woken up in the harsh light of morning sun, and it was Chifuyu’s face he saw first. 

Chifuyu listened to him open up about what happened on the day of 23th, and then, when the events turned into words to be remembered by, Takemichi figured it didn’t hurt as much as it did anymore.

Takemichi entered middle school with lingering feelings, and because fate was nasty, Hina was one of his classmates, a constant face in the room when he was supposed to be moving on. She was happier, but not anything livelier. He was at least spared of the heartbreak a second time.

Chifuyu was still his classmate, and he sat next to a guy named Hakkai who talked a lot despite the long scar on his mouth, which roughly made his smile appear crooked. 

Takemichi sat next to a familiar blond with a distracting bust size. She painted her nails under the table sometimes, or combed her hair when the teacher looked away. She never wore her jackets like how it was supposed to be worn, because she tied them around her waist all the time, maybe a sort of fashion style. Used to speaking her thoughts freely, one time Emma deliberately commented that Takemichi was a ‘guy with no tact and the last person I’d date’, except she’d say that to everyone, or at least, to any boy she was with while Draken hovered by. Draken was a senior by a year, but he was so tall Takemichi nearly mistaken him for a teacher once. 

Anyway, back to Emma. She was, apparently, head over heels to this Draken guy, and made several attempts (all failed) to pursue his attention, except all of them backfired and now Draken thinks she was a weird underclassman that always crosses paths with him in the wrong place at the wrong time. 

“I don’t know what I should do, Takemichi!” she cried, her mascara messed up. Takemichi grimaced, and didn’t comment on it, half-scared it’ll turn her into a horror-film widow that cries black, and half-lazy to point anything out. “I’ve tried everything I can! But he’s. So. Clueless!” She plucked another set of tissues and sniffed at it. “Why are you boys so dumb?!”

“Eh, Emma,” Takemichi tried. “Maybe you should just frankly tell him how you feel?”

Chifuyu nodded in approval. He offered Takemichi his half-finished ramen. “Do you want? I’m full already.”

Takemichi happily took the free food and started eating. 

Emma frowned at them. “You guys are sharing chopsticks?”

Takemichi looked up, gave an absentminded nod, didn’t see what was wrong with that. Chifuyu and he had rolled in dirt together, took a bath together, sometimes even shared one cone of ice cream when they’re too broke to buy two. “Yeah, why?”

“That’s gross.”

“It’s not. We’re like siblings, anyway.”

Chifuyu cringed away. “Partners, not siblings.” 

“Partners?” Emma hung her head curiously. “Are you dating?”

Chifuyu’s eyes widened a fraction. Takemichi choked on his food. “What—?!”

“Oh. I guess I misunderstood what partners meant?”

“We’re not— We’re not into each other like that!” Takemichi felt his face burn, like it’s made of lava underneath. “By partners, we mean like bestfriends type!”

“Oh.” Emma gave an apologetic smile. Chifuyu deliberately coughed for no reason, because the embarrassment didn’t subside yet. “I thought you were an item.”

Takemichi couldn’t even bring himself to look at Chifuyu. “Geez, stop making assumptions easily.”

“Heehee, sorry!” Suddenly, she climbed to her feet, solid conviction between her brows, like she was about to set an incredible plan in motion. “That’s great you’re not dating, then! We can carry this out!”

Chifuyu raised an eyebrow. “Carry what exactly?” 

“Takemichi, let’s date!”

None of them saw that coming, but the answer was instantaneous regardless. “No!”

Takemichi glanced at Chifuyu, who glanced back. They said the same thing.

“Emma, if this is just another—”

“C’mon, don’t be a bore! Just a month. Pretty please?” She fluttered her eyelashes to him, which made him blush and derailed his thoughts from saying no again. Chifuyu watched the exchange with a frown, like a child watching his parents flirt shamelessly.

“Why do we have to date?” Takemichi finally asked.

“Why, if it isn’t to make Draken jealous and finally see me as a woman!”

Ah. As he thought, this was another one of her I’ll-make-Draken-fall-for-me tactics that lead to nowhere and if anything, trample her pride as a woman. Takemichi took a glimpse at his bestfriend, who shook his head profusely, his expression, no, you can’t, this is a bad idea.

He furrowed his brows when Takemichi seemed to heavily consider the idea. Takemichi’s expression said, that'll be fine. Just a month, she said.

And immediately, the unspoken loser rolled his eyes, sipped his juice, and didn’t look at him again.

Takemichi smiled mildly as he took it in. “Okay. But I’ll have to get something from this.”

“Sure!” Emma’s face lit up. “In exchange, I’ll score you a date with Hina! Don’t think I didn’t notice you catching glimpses with her?”

Emma…. Emma was so oblivious sometimes.

Takemichi almost wanted to punch Chifuyu for giggling like a maniac in his seat, covering his mouth with his fist, shoulder trembling, while Emma stared wide inquisitively.

“Please tell me you’re joking,” Takemichi said. For the love of God, pray he’ll get through this with his dignity still intact. “Hina and I were exes. She dumped me last year.”

Realization dawned, and her doll-like face glinted with seemingly a bunch of theories. Takemichi didn’t want to hear any of it, wanting to get swallowed whole by the ground instead. 

“I see.” She scratched her neck, putting on the best guiltless face. “Err, too bad, huh. I guess I’ll just think of another reward then!”

“No, no, it’s fine.” Please don’t bring this up again. “I’m okay without any reward. If you and Draken get together after, then that’d be enough.”

“Really?!”

“Really.”

Without a warning, she bounced from her seat onto his lap and engulfed him in a suffocating hug. “Takemichi, you’re my hero!”

His face was red and hot, but, mercifully, neither Chifuyu nor Emma caught sight of it. 

*

Emma only made few rules for the fake dating, because none of them could be bothered with the details, except sprinkle some restraint so that nothing would get out of hand. 

1. No touching unless we’re in public.
2. NO KISSING. ABSOLUTELY NOT!
3. No one else should know. (T: Chifuyu does, already? E: We both know he doesn’t count.)

And lastly, the cherry on the top, as (unremarkably) suggested by Chifuyu with his romance manga surface knowledge:

4. No falling in love with each other.

Takemichi bit back a laugh at the last part, because this was becoming closer to some kind of unoriginal romance plot that had no depth whatsoever aside from the characters inevitably falling in love as some sort of anticlimatic twist. Everything was done on a piece of paper, two copies with their signatures, and as to seal the deal, they added their respective fingerprints for a flair of drama.

Then, there you go, a girlfriend for a month. It started out harmlessly fun, because it was the first time Takemichi experienced in his life a rainbow before a storm.

The storm came in the form of three things: a boy, a kiss, and a girl.

The first part started out like this: Chifuyu, Takemichi and Emma were on their way to a cat cafe per the latter’s request, which she also promised to treat them with. It was a weekend, Saturday to be specific, so if anything, she owed them considerably a lot.

“Takemichi, what are you doing?”

He gave her a pointed stare, another one of his what is it this time ? “What do you mean, Emma?” From next to him, Chifuyu paused the song playing on his phone to pay them heed.

“What do I mean? If I were an outsider I would think the one you’re dating was Chifuyu instead of me!” 

Takemichi took a small time to process it. He became aware of how pressed close he is to Chifuyu when there was enough space on the sidewalk, sharing headphones with him in their own little reality as if Emma didn’t exist near. “Oh. Sorry.” Reluctantly, he drew himself away from Chifuyu, it was an instinct to always be in each other’s personal bubble since they were children.

Emma didn’t look actually irritated about it, more amused rather. “Geez. Here, hold my hand. You had a girlfriend, once, right?”

He nodded, yes, and she beamed before intertwining their fingers together. It was a simple gesture, not genuine even, but it was ticklish to his system regardless. 

They got into the cat cafe, named Kitten Sweet , with pink walls and pinker ceilings. Takemichi was compelled to watch as his bestfriend instantly swooned at the strolling cats, some even started rubbing themselves against them the moment they entered. 

“Look,” Chifuyu motioned excitedly. “That cat looks exactly like Peke J! Though Peke J’s still cuter!”

“Who’s Peke J?” Emma asked.

“His cat,” Takemichi said.

“ Our cat,” Chifuyu corrected matter-of-factly, then raced toward the said Peke J lookalike, leaving the two to their own devices. Takemichi was about to ask Emma their plan now that they were here, until he spotted a mop of blond in the distance that was recognizable anywhere, next to a man with long black hair, their backs turned to them.

“Is that Draken?” he questioned.

Emma’s spine automatically straightened up. “Err, I think so!”

That summed up everything. He tugged her hand. “Let’s go, then?”

“W-Wait!” She brought out her pocket mirror, checking her reflection. Takemichi thought her blush was quite mesmerizing. “Do I look fine? Not haggard— because I don’t think— Hold on, Takemichi!”

Takemichi dragged her toward them without waiting for another remark, and the moment the two older guys noticed them, Takemichi plastered his most unsuspecting smile. “Hello, Draken-senpai! I didn’t think we’ll run into you here, do you like cats too?”

Draken leaned against the table, amused. “Not really. It’s Baji here who likes them. I’m not very fond of furry animals.” He gestured listlessly at the guy next to him, Baji, as he was introduced.

Takemichi bowed to him as a greeting. Emma followed suit. “I’m Takamichi Hanagaki, it’s nice to meet you!”

“I-I’m Emma Sano!”

Sano ? Before he could ask if she was related to Chifuyu’s neighbor somehow, Emma pulled him close, her features fixed in resolve. Huh?

“Draken, this is my boyfriend, Takemichi!”

Smash . The glass of juice Draken was holding fell to the ground in an echoing noise that sounded like a crevice in earth opened. 

White noise.

When it registered, Takemichi’s face was the brightest shade of red. He staggered away. “Emma?! Why would you— W-What the—” 

“Is that so,” Draken answered, not a flicker of emotion in his eyes. Takemichi thought he saw the shadow of death pass by. “Why are you telling me that, though?”

“Because you’re like a brother to me!”

Emma, for the love of God, shut the fuck up. They were all stunned into silence. Draken, in particular, looked like he was hit by a boomerang.

The silence was cut short as Baji chose the moment to start roaring with laughter, the tense atmosphere being swallowed by his unexpected interruption. 

“…Do you have a death wish, Baji?” Draken inquired dangerously.

Baji didn’t respond immediately, still somewhat unhinged, as the three waited with different expressions on their faces. Once he calmed down, he said, “This is some scoop! I can’t wait to tell Mikey about— Oh, sweet Jesus .” He chuckled, low and rumbling. “Takemichi, right? Watch your back from now on.”

Takemichi felt the hairs on his neck rise. Emma shouted, annoyed, “Baji! Don’t scare my boyfriend like that!”

“I don’t. I’m just warning him.”

“Mikey doesn’t care about this stuff!”

“No, he doesn’t. But I’ll tell him anyway.”

Wait. Wait. Emma and Mikey? It struck Takemichi like a lightbulb. Those are Shinichiro’s siblings! Takemichi looked at his fake-pretend girlfriend. “You didn’t tell me you were Shinichiro’s sister!”

Emma blinked at him, pausing. “You know my… brother?”

“Of course. He used to play with us when we were like, five.”

“Oh. So that means you already have a connection with me even then?”

“No. The one I had a connection with was your brother.”

“Yeah, my brother. Is it destiny?”

“No, I don’t think that was—”

Draken coughed. Loudly. “So to simplify things,” he cut in, “You’re here for a date?”

Emma nodded with fake enthusiasm. Takemichi wondered what was taking Chifuyu long with the cats. “Y-Yes! What about you?”

“Just relaxing.” Draken switched his gaze to Takemichi. The latter tried his best not to flinch. “Let’s hang out sometimes, Takemichi. Alone, wouldn’t you think?”

Takemichi gulped. “N-No problem!”

“That’s good.”

This whole ordeal was taking a bit too long than he’d like. Where in the world was Chifuyu? And speaking of the devil, Chifuyu popped up on his side like that, carrying a bunch of cats, not even counted the other three snuggling close to his lower legs. “Hey— Oh, Draken-senpai, hello!”

Takemichi introduced Baji to him, who stared back at Chifuyu as if he was entranced, and Takemichi fought the feeling of annoyance within him. He didn’t even understand where it came from in the first place, but he certainly knew he wanted to pluck the guy’s eyeballs for staring too hard at his bestfriend.

To his disbelief, Chifuyu blurted out, “Oh, I know Baji. We met a couple of times before.”

Takemichi cast a startled look in his direction, features shifting to a slight frown. “I didn’t know that.”

Chifuyu merely smiled ruefully. Baji offered him a wink. “I didn’t notice you here, Chifuyu.”

Using first names, huh. He felt his heart prick a little, but he was given no time to wrap his mind around it as Chifuyu flushed red and averted his eyes. “Yeah. I didn’t notice. You too.”

Oh?

He had never seen Chifuyu this awkward ever since Hina, so this was new… and a bit disappointing, for the lack of better word to name the feeling. “Would you like to stay here longer, Chifuyu?” Takemichi asked.

“Ah, I don’t mind— yeah, um, sure. I like cats, anyway. What about you two?”

“We’ll resume our date. We’re done here, anyway.” What a lame excuse, Takemichi thought.

Emma’s gaze kept flickering to them, from one to another, confused at the faces they were making, like they need to work on it. Sure enough, once they left the cat cafe, Emma peered to his face, chin down, and mumbled, “Are you okay?”

Takemichi kept himself from furrowing his eyebrows. “Why are you asking?”

“Nothing just…. I don’t know. You’re fine, aren’t you?”

He shoved his hands to his pockets. “Yes.” It sounded like a no, but he didn’t care. 

The second one: the kiss.

It happened in their second year of middle school, in the month of spring, where cherry blossoms were in full bloom and scattering, but Takemichi found himself never paying attention to that. His dating with Emma stretched for another month, then another month, until they didn't know who they were pretending for anymore. What’s worse, a few weeks after their relationship was declared, Draken started avoiding them, and Emma misunderstood completely saying that he didn’t care, instead of the other way around.

In addition, Chifuyu started seeing Baji, an upperclassman from another school. Chifuyu would deny it, but it’s pretty obvious in their closeness that there was something more going on, something that friendship alone couldn’t explain.

He felt like shit, was what he was saying. During these times, he couldn’t help but feel like wearing someone else’s skin, pretending as if the air wasn’t stifling when Chifuyu and Baji walk in, nestled close, sometimes laughing at a joke one of them made, and they would ring in Takemichi’s ear like a broken record.

Chifuyu was happy. That should be enough, right? Right. It wasn’t like Baji was robbing Takemichi of time with his bestfriend, it wasn’t like Chifuyu was distancing himself, but it still felt lonely. He didn’t tell any of that to his bestfriend, of course. 

He sat in the middle of the classroom, listening as their math teacher rambled on about triangles and circles and areas he couldn’t give a shit about. He dug his nails to his palm, and when he checked, crescent rings had marked themselves over his scar, the one he made himself with Chifuyu five years ago.

The teacher’s voice was a monotonous noise, something he could mute anytime if he was to focus hard. The finals were nearing, he was supposed to listen, but he couldn’t afford to, when his own head felt like it had its own inner working separate from his goals.

When the bell chimed, Takemichi wandered to Emma’s seat in autopilot, and she was fixing her hair, like she always did. “Lunch?” he asked, and she nodded curtly. Chifuyu hovered to him, took his arm, said hey, and then,

“Are you avoiding me?”

Takemichi shrugged his hold. “No. Aren’t you supposed to be with Baji?”

Chifuyu’s eyebrows rose in stupefaction. “Baji? We don’t eat lunch together.”

“…Do you?”

“We’re not in the same school, idiot.” A pregnant pause, then, “Takemichi, are you jealous?”

Immediately, his eyes flash with irritation. “I am not! Chifuyu, what the fuck?”

Emma was shaking in laughter behind him which made this whole process more embarrassing than it should probably be. 

“Ah, well, that’s good. It’s not like he’s my bestfriend now, or something.” Chifuyu grinned, lifting a thumbs up. “We cool, right?”

“Yeah. And of course you two are not. You don’t flirt with your bestfriend, after all.”

Chifuyu froze and his eyes widened impossibly. “Flirt— Fuck, what? I’m not flirting with him, dummymichi!”

He kept screaming that all the way to the cafeteria, like he was also convincing himself. Takemichi laughed and laughed and pretended that maybe, just maybe, Chifuyu really didn’t.

*

Takemichi shoved Chifuyu’s room open, saw him on the bed being pinned by Baji. Takemichi slammed it close and felt the air in his lungs turn to poison.

He heard Chifuyu called for him, but it sounded vague in his ears, and he was getting away, down the staircase, turn for the door, and almost stumbled over the gate. 

He didn’t even run, but he was still breathless when he went home.

*

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” his mother remarked knowingly as he was standing next to the sink, washing the evening dishes. Her presence suddenly felt overwhelming, especially when she asked, “Wait a second, are you crying ?” 

Suddenly, the warm water on his cheeks and the sting behind his eyes made sense. Takemichi wiped it away with his arm in a desperate attempt to prove that he wasn’t, that maybe it’s just soap or something, no, I’m not crying mom, only for his mother to stare at him, unconvinced.

“Stop it, Mitchy—” She seized his hands. “Stop. What’s wrong? Did you and Emma break up?”

His mother still thinks the whole dating was true, and he never corrected her. He valued the rules in their deal, after all. “No,” he said, and his throat was dry. “We’re still together.”

“Then what’s wrong?”

He wanted to know too. What was wrong? Why did after he saw Chifuyu with someone else, positioned like that, he—

But Takemichi wasn’t ready to face the truth yet, so he said, in a lie not even he was convinced of, “I failed my finals.”

That was true, but he never cried because of that.

His mother took it at face value, and he was prepared to be lectured, but all she said was, “Then go study if you don’t want that to happen again. Stop crying, there, smile already, fine right?”

Takemichi mustered a smile, and neither of them brought this up again.

*

On the day after that, Chifuyu apologized like it was all his fault. They were in Takemichi’s room, still in their uniforms and socks and blaring metal music at the edge of the bed. It killed the atmosphere so Takemichi turned it off as soon as Chifuyu started saying sorry when he barged into his room.

“It was an accident,” he amended. “I didn’t tell you because frankly, we’re not dating… yet.”

Chifuyu had let another friend into his room. Takemichi told himself that that was the only reason why he was upset. “Did you two kiss?”   

Chifuyu stared at him in horror. “N-No, we didn’t. Why would you ask that? Also, um—”

Takemichi stared at him, waiting patiently.

“You know...”

“What?”

“We’re both boys. So, uh…”

“Are you asking if I’m okay with you being gay?” 

Chifuyu nodded slowly, red to the tips of his hair. Takemichi smiled softly at his friend. 

“Silly, it won’t change what I feel about you. It’s who you are. And thanks for letting me know.”

He saw Chifuyu appear utterly relieved, if the heavy exhale was any indication. “Thanks, Takemichi. You’re the first person I came out to. I was really scared.”

“When did you realize?”

Suddenly, Chifuyu’s expression closed up, like he was a flower folding inward. “I-I can’t tell you yet. I’m sorry.”

He pretended it didn’t hurt. “That’s fine! I mean, you already told me a lot and I’m very happy you trusted me. So take your time. With that. Err, or whatever.”

Chifuyu lowered his gaze, smiled, and fidgeted. “…Yeah.”

They sat in a comfortable silence for a while, Takemichi couldn’t focus on what he was reading anymore, the letters had turned jiggly, and the meaning of every sentence get lost in his head, maybe even disappeared along the way. Chifuyu was sitting next to him on the side of the bed, hugging his knees like he was frozen cold. He was mindful of their distance, or the lack thereof. And it was all his mind could focus on— like how he could feel every shift in Chifuyu’s position, or his breathing, or how he could smell his shampoo from the morning shower. 

It was a bit dizzying. An awareness that was poured all at once, and he felt stuck with it.

“Hey, I have a question,” Chifuyu addressed, almost making him jump.

“Uh— what is it?”

“Why are you and Emma still together?”

It didn’t take him by surprise. He’d been prepared to be asked that, eventually. “I’m not actually sure. It just felt awkward to say ‘let’s break up’ out of nowhere. So I’ve been waiting for her to say that.”

“I think you’re just waiting on each other.”

He laughed bashfully. “I think so.”

Silence and crickets. 

“How about you and Baji? You said you’re not dating yet. What are you now, then?”

“To be honest, I’m not sure. More than friends, less than lovers, I guess?”

“You love him?”

He stared at his hands. “No. Don’t think so.”

Takemichi wondered why he wanted to cry when he said that, the relief overpowering, but he knew he was going to regret everything if he did. He just knew he would, so he stifled the tears and pretended the words didn’t hold impact as much as he thought they did.

*

The kiss happened the day after that, when Hina leaned in and planted her lips on his own, in the school rooftop so no one else could play witness but themselves (it tastes like air and mint, it brought him back to winter of two years ago), and said I’m sorry, and said can we get back together?

Hina knew the truth behind his relationship with Emma, after the latter slipped up a few months in their friendship. Takemichi was supposed to say yes, but seconds became minutes and the word wasn’t there, not even on the back of his tongue, or throat, or lungs. It should have been there, but it wasn’t, after all, wasn’t this the sole reason he agreed to Emma in the first place? Why he acted like he wasn’t gaining anything when it’s all about getting Hina and him back together?

He didn’t say no, but he thought he shattered her the same anyway.

When she left, what he focused on wasn’t his blatant rejection, but the thought: the kiss didn’t feel right. 

He ended up not telling Chifuyu anything. It was the beginning of the strings of mistakes.

The last one was a girl. And her name was Yuzuha. Looking back he didn’t know how things turned out like this, not exactly, just one day, she appeared in his life and lit something within just as he was about to turn sixteen.

It was a fleeting relationship they had, nothing more than a fling, but enough to tilt his world regardless. Every kiss they had was raw and all consuming, somehow made Takemichi feel hungrier than the last. He didn’t know what she drugged him with, but it was definitely addicting, made him think with his dick rather than his brain.

She yanked his hair, and he took everything he could and more. He felt like walking on fire, burned without scars to prove to people that he did. When all was done, he wouldn’t feel a thing, as if nothing happened at all.

Sometimes they make out in corridors with no sign of life and where shadows grow large, sometimes under the stairs, the sounds of steps up and down muffling their moans and sighs. 

He didn’t know he could have something like this, but every time he was alone with Chifuyu, him reading his magazines and mangas and slipping smiles toward Takemichi when he caught him looking, Takemichi would think this wasn’t still enough. Something still didn’t feel right.

He brought her to his room, kissed her until they were out of breath, and then, they broke up. The thing about them is that every make out had no string attached, so it had been the easiest to say those two words. He had ended his fake relationship with Emma a year back, and somehow, he figured he didn’t really care if she hated him after.

Though it still broke him a bit when she did. 

Chifuyu hadn’t said anything about Yuzuha, nothing monumental, only that there are many words in his eyes that Takemichi couldn’t decipher, no matter how he thought he knew his bestfriend. 

*

The night they broke up, Takemichi rested his back against a wooden post near his house, rethinking every decision he made in his life. Tomorrow is Hakkai’s birthday, he ought to buy a gift, but his feet couldn’t move.

Suddenly a shadow settled near him, tall and seemingly slender, and brought out a lit cigarette. 

Takemichi coughed when the smoke curled to his lungs.

The guy noticed him then. “Shit, sorry. Didn’t see you there.” He didn’t stop smoking, if anything, he apathetically inched closer to Takemichi, the smoke hazardously near to his face. 

Takemichi ignored him, and considered going home. But he didn’t like to be rude, or at least, be too outright that he was one , so he waited idly, counting the minutes in his head.

The stranger spoke again, “Damn, you heartbroken or something?”

Takemichi wondered what was on his face that made him say that. “I just broke up with my girlfriend,” he confessed, which didn’t explain anything. He wasn’t heartbroken over it, not in the slightest, but he was not going to tell his entire life to a total stranger, even if he looked like the kind of person who would.

The stranger offered him a cigarette, and under the dim light, Takemichi saw the tattooed kanji character on the back of his palm. Punishment . He tried not to think too much about it. “I don’t smoke.”

The guy shrugged and retracted his hand. From across the road, he heard an owl howling. 

“So,” the guy said. “Who cheated?”

Takemichi silently praised himself for his self-control not to punch the guy. “No one.”

“Boring.” Thank god Takemichi is a renowned pacifist. The stranger held out his box of cigarettes again. “Sure you don’t want one?”

“No. How old are you?”

“Older than you, that’s what.”

“I’m underage. I can’t smoke.”

“I started smoking when I was fourteen.”

Takemichi craned his neck to look up at him. “It’s bad for your health.” Though he probably should have known that already. He wasn’t sure why he suddenly said it like an accusation, maybe that one he was trying to convince was himself the most.

The guy shrugged like he couldn’t care less. “All things safe are never worth the risk, now are they?”

Takemichi didn’t know what to answer with that.

“You look like an uptight guy, you should let loose once in a while.”

Takemichi didn’t bat him an eye. “I am not an uptight guy. I was told I cry a lot.”

“Huh.” He puffed out the smoke. “Sounds hot.”

He didn’t know who kissed who first, by the next moment all Takemichi understood was that his mouth was suddenly on this mysterious stranger, and it was his first time to ever kiss a guy— nothing the same from all he’d ever tasted.

It was like diving himself head first on uncharted waters. He wondered if this was what kissing a boy felt like, wondered if he could ever forget this sensation— no, he didn’t think he ever would. 

It lasted like forever, but it was Takemichi who pulled away first, trying to catch his breath, a trail of saliva on his chin. The guy wiped his mouth, smiled with a hint of teeth, and if thunders and sins were a kiss, then that would explain what just happened.

*

He learned later that his name was Hanma and that he already has a boyfriend. All things safe are never worth the risk. Takemichi realized he was never talking about cigarettes and lungs after all. He didn’t feel the guilt, didn’t feel it still when he kept it all from Chifuyu.

He dug his nails to his palm again, and he flinched when the scar hurt.

*

He was studying for the midterms when someone took the empty seat across from him, a certain air of arrogant nonchalance in the way he carried himself. Takemichi didn’t look up, although he thought he saw a glimpse of a scar on the left side of his face.

“Taiju wanted to beat you up for sleeping with his sister.”

Takemichi snapped up, and he was right about the scar, thinking to himself that it looked rather appealing in its own painful, unique way. His mouth parted a bit, the boy was pretty, like he’s someone straight from a portrait, and Takemichi was amazed when he moved because he didn’t look exactly alive. 

“I didn’t sleep with her,” Takemichi corrected, a little scared of who this Taiju was at first, yet having a vague idea. Takemichi wanted to inquire more, but he has tests to pass and worrying about his ex didn’t seem productive at the moment.

“You didn’t? Shame.”

Takemichi took a good look at him. His eyes were as green as emerald, framed by pale lashes and pink lips that looked just as inviting. The boy caught him staring, tilted his head in the most distracting way possible that made Takemichi’s gaze linger. 

“Inupi!”

Both their heads turned toward the call, and he saw a guy with strange eyebrows standing in the bookcases close to their table, an amused look on his face.

He sauntered over them, holding a librarian copy of a book entitled Money for Beginners in one strong clutch. “Hey.”

Inupi cast him a bored look. “Don’t shout, Koko. We’re in library.”

This guy, Koko, stuck his tongue out in defiance. “You’re not supposed to flirt in library either, but here you are.”

Takemichi became beat red, and he saw Inupi snuck a glance in his direction, a blush dusting his annoyed face. He rose to his feet and escorted his friend out of the library. Takemichi heard Inupi hissed, “How about I’ll cut your tongue next time? How about I’ll chop it off with scissors and feed it to your rats.”

Koko placed a dramatic hand over his chest. “How morbid of you!”

When Takemichi looked again, Inupi was staring at him over his shoulder, before glancing away and opening the doors outside.

*

If Takemichi had nothing to look forward to in libraries before, he did now. He allowed himself some few things, like peeking half-heartedly when Inupi thought he was busy reading, or stretching and allowing his feet to brush against his calf. Inupi would only stare, sometimes return the gesture, and Takemichi would think he liked his eyes, after all. They reminded him of Chifuyu, of seawater and summer grass and green, green, green.

*

Baji asked Chifuyu for a relationship. Takemichi’s world tilted sideways when he learned Chifuyu said why not?

*

Takemichi also learned that Inupi kiss like a sea lulling the sailors before an imminent storm. He was easily drawn the same way nonetheless, snuggled between the bookcases, drowned in the scent of books, ashes at the back of his tongue that Inupi couldn’t kiss away. 

There was a hollowness between his ribs that he couldn’t shake off, something that developed an awareness and continued to grow, like how all black holes do, only he knew a way to escape it now, he had memorized the spell.

But he realized too late his face was far too above the water. 

Inupi cradled his cheek. “You’re crying, you know?”

Takemichi was pieces lost, and Inupi looked at him as if he watched them flutter away, tossed in the waters. 

He wiped his face with his arm. “S’rry.”

Inupi shook his head. “What for.” He sighed and pulled away. He leaned his head against the row of books. “I got the gist of it. You look at me as if you want to see someone else in my place.” 

“Oh god. I didn’t mean—”

Inupi waved his hand dismissively. “No, it’s not like that. I’m not hurt or anything. Kinda used to it.”

That made Takemichi feel more like the shittiest person alive. “I’m sorry. It doesn’t matter if you’re hurt or not, you don’t deserve that.”

Inupi merely graced him a smile, something tender to it. “Thanks. You wanna talk about it?”

“What?”

He gestured between them, like no words could do to explain. Or perhaps leaving things unspoken was better. “This. You, crying like a baby.”

He thought his face went warm. “Ah— I think, I—”

What did he think? He didn’t know what he was doing, even now. 

“I’m upset my bestfriend has a boyfriend, that’s all.”

Inupi shot a look that said there should be more to it, but commented nothing. Takemichi still saw Inupi as pretty, but with the low light and thick specks of dust, he couldn’t see his eyes properly, and thought what a shame, and thought how the green waned to blue.

“Is their boyfriend an asshole?” Inupi asked flatly.

“No.”

“Hot?”

“He is, but I don’t care about that.”

“Jealous?”

No, maybe, close to it, or far. He squeezed his eyes shut. “I don’t want to talk about it.” 

Inupi nodded sagely, something forlorn and meaningful behind the layers of his expression. “You know, my bestfriend likes my sister.” Takemichi stared at him, startled. “And when I asked why, Koko said because she’s pretty. I almost gutted him for getting attracted to something superficial, treating my sister like a doll he can walk with at any moment. But I realized, it’s where things begin, you know? Sometimes even small, superficial stuff bring forth the real change within us.” He turned his head to offer a small, understanding smile. His eyes glinted a different shade of green, like the bright edges of northern lights. “Sometimes it’s too late when we see them.”

Takemichi almost believed him, almost accepted those words for what they are. Except Takemichi had seen Koko, the lingering glances sent his way, felt the bitterness before he can taste them, and if Inupi can’t see that, then how could Takemichi hang on to those words when they felt far fetched even in his own head? 

He feigned a smile. “I’ll try,” he said, half sincere, half cold.

*

Takemichi, despite what people think, was a coward. Cowardice took in a form of many things, to Takemichi, it was placing his feelings in the shadows, never to see the light of the day, until they start bleeding him black.

He saw Chifuyu giggling with Baji in the corridor, and for the first time, knew he had to look the other way. He didn’t want another record of laughter to keep Takemichi awake until dawn.

*

One day, he forgot to dye his hair blond, until the roots grew and grew. He let it remain black, and cut the yellow tips after.

*

Emma dropped her books on his table. Takemichi flinched and looked at her like she was asking for an unreasonable fight in broad daylight. Emma pulled the chair —the same one Inupi sits on —and propped a chin in her palms, watching him unblinkingly.

Takemichi was twitchy in his seat. “Err, yes?”

Then Emma pulled two of her fingers together, the forefinger and middle finger with no apparent distance between. “You two used to be like this,” she said, without elaborating anything. She pried the two fingers apart. “But now you’re like this. What changed?”

Takemichi felt like he’s been slapped. “Nothing. We’re both just busy.”

“Liar.” 

He said nothing.

“It hurts me too, you know.” Takemichi looked up to her, mouth hanging open. “You used to be inseparable. But now it’s like there’s an invisible barrier around you too, not letting the world in, not letting each other in.”

Takemichi closed his mouth. He averted his eyes.

“You’re just hurting yourselves.”

He exhaled. “I know.”

“Then why aren’t you doing anything?”

“I don’t know.”

“Liar,” she repeated. “You do know. You just keep running away from it.”

“Emma.” His voice was deliberately raised higher. “You don’t know anything, so can you please shut up ?”

He immediately regretted it as soon as the words were out. She drew back, face crumpled in genuine hurt, close to breaking. Takemichi wanted to punch himself for that.

Emma didn’t leave, not immediately, she stayed and read her books and the two of them quietly pretended like they’re not holding back their tears.

“I’m sorry,” he said, after sixteen minutes. “I didn’t mean— I was an asshole.”

“It’s because Chifuyu’s not with you.”

Takemichi forced a laugh from his throat. “Yeah. Maybe you’re right.” 

Emma tore her eyes from the book, intently watching him. “So what are you gonna do now?”

“We need space,” he told her, and it sounded wrong, wrong, wrong even to his own ears. 

“You look lost.”

He forced his eyes to the ground. “Am I?”

“Yeah. Chifuyu too. I hate it when my friends look like that. I may not know what happened, but if you need anyone to listen, I’m here.”

He sent a smile her way, he’s so grateful for the world he has her. “Thank you, Emma.”

She smiled back. “Anything for you, Takemichi.” 

*

The day after Emma’s 18th birthday, she invited him and some others to her house. Those some others didn’t include Chifuyu, and it was baffling, but not unexpected, to realize Takemichi welcomed that absence more than anything else, perhaps for the first time ever. 

“He can’t come because all 18 below are not allowed and those who’ll snitch will get beaten up by Draken!” Emma declared, and everyone stared at Takemichi.

He swallowed the lump in his throat. “Your secret’s fine with me.”

They didn’t exactly believe him, but he figured that was fine. He just wanted a drink, that was all.

*

He wasn’t sure how much they could hide when Emma’s house was right next to Chifuyu’s, but they made it work, somehow. No loud music, but strong beers and stronger waves of laughter, and they were all half drunk with it. 

Takemichi wondered if Shinichiro was somewhere here. As children, he and Chifuyu looked up to the elder Sano child like a hero, and he was popular in the neighborhood, always attracting attention like flies to a light when he strolled around.

Sad to say, he was out of the country to fetch the brother of hers. Philippines, Emma said, my brother was too demanding in seeing Shinichiro after many years he was gone.

After a few bottles, Takemichi passed out, though it must have been a short doze because when he woke up, it’s still midnight, and all his friends had fainted in all directions. In the couches, tables, Pah-chin in particular sprawled on the ground like a starfish, an empty bottle in one hand. Emma and Draken were a bit of a spectacle, cuddled to one another on the couch, fast asleep. 

His bestfriend flashed to his mind. “Chifuyu, Chifuyu, Chifuyu,” Takemichi muttered, in a sort of half-prayer that he would appear out of nowhere. He didn’t, of course, so he wandered to the bathroom, feeling… awful, but not exactly. He pushed the guilt out of the way and shoved the door open, scrambling to take off his belt. He felt dirty all over, like someone took his brain and replaced it with mud.

He flared, his own belt was being uncooperative out of all days, like a fucking cockblock, and where the hell was the buckle, why was this all strap? 

“Need help?”

Takemichi raised his head at the voice, and through slightly blurry eyes, he could make out a mop of blond and— “Chifuyu?” Only he didn’t sound like Chifuyu, but it wouldn’t hurt to try.

“I’m not,” said the new guy, approaching. He was smaller than Takemichi by several inches, and it didn’t help that he almost had an identical hairstyle as his bestfriend. Takemichi felt terrible. “I heard you were my sister’s ex.”

Takemichi lost balance in his feet, intoxicated. His arms hang on the sink. “Who? I had a lot of ‘em.”

“Emma.”

“Oh.” Emma’s brother— “Shinichiro? I thought you were in Philippines or whatever.”

The man produced a soft chuckle from his throat, and it was such a smooth timbre that Takemichi wouldn’t mind listening to it forever. “I’m not Shinichiro,” was all he explained before he drew his hands to his belt, helping as Takemichi fumbled over it. He grinned as he looked up to him, a twinkle in his obsidian eyes, all deadly games beneath. “I’ll give you a kiss if you guess who I am.”

Takemichi stared at him as if he was just offered sex. Takemichi focused on his eyes, all black, not letting any light in. His gaze lowered to the bow-shaped lips, and they looked enticing, curved to a sensual smile.

   ”C’mon, no idea at all? I’m hurt.”

   He was wearing an off-shoulder blouse, and a sleeveless shirt underneath. Takemichi couldn’t think.

   The blond shoved his face closer. “What a shame, Ta~Ke~Mitchy~”

   Emma, Shinichiro. Then someone else. A brother. A blue eye squinted. A name Draken kept mentioning before, if only he was as attentive as a person as Chifuyu.

   Chifuyu… Shit. Focus, Takemichi. He remembered it started with K—no, it was M. But it had k. And then he remembered remembering a cartoon character when someone mentioned anything about him.

   ”Mikey?” he slurred out, searching his face like the confirmation would show itself there. 

   ”Yes.” Mikey’s breath smelled like alcohol, with a faint trace of something sweeter. “Here comes your price.”

   The kiss was quick and measured, which felt like he was being granted a taste. It was too soft. He angled his face and allowed himself a little nip on his bottom lip. He felt Mikey shiver, before the latter laughed against his lips and pulled away. Cocking his head, Mikey pulled an amused expression that said well, well.

   Takemichi had never really known Mikey as a child, only as a name and never a body. Though he caught glimpses of him at middle school, because of Emma, and he had longer hair then, which left a small ponytail at the upper back of his head.

   Mikey kissed him again, and he jolted but didn’t shy away. It was a mess of hands and tongue and teeth. It took him a bit to realize that his belt was already long tossed away by Mikey.

   He looked small and delicate, like one wrong move and Takemichi could break him easily, that is until Mikey slammed him against the wall with strength and precise control unbecoming of his tiny figure, and he wondered if some unknown power ran in his bones, beneath those hard muscles, as if he was a skeleton of gold. 

   Emma walked in the middle of it, and thank the gods it was her, though she still screamed, get a fucking room!

*

   They staggered upstairs, because Mikey was tipsier than he appeared. He must have drunk on his own, because Takemichi didn’t remember him present in the living room where they gathered. 

   The room they entered had a sweet scent, like chocolate was tucked away in a corner somewhere for ants to feast on. 

   Getting kissed by Mikey felt like getting devoured whole, one bite at a time, and Takemichi kissed him just as roughly.

*

   In the morning, he woke up and gagged everything out, his own head a traitorous little thing.

   In the morning, he received a message from Chifuyu and learned his grandmother was dead, he was going back to the province not for long.

   In the morning, Chifuyu called and Takemichi didn’t tell about Emma’s hidden party, about his lost of virginity, about Mikey.

   In the morning, Takemichi stared in the mirror, and wondered how could a boy he’d known his entire life be a stranger overnight.

*

   He thought Mikey was the kind of guy that disappears after he got what he wanted, because how awkward it would be to sleep with your sister’s ex (it was fake, but still.) Except he visited Takemichi the day after, stretched out on his bed like he owned the place, rummaged through his closets and refrigerator as if he wasn’t fed for weeks.

   Takemichi let him do whatever he wanted, gladly receiving the whirlwind of a person that was Mikey. After moments of playing around, Mikey threw himself next to Takemichi on the ground, his back on the side of the bed, a piece of cookie hanging from his mouth like a treat. He asked, “Why’d you date my sister?”

   ”It was fake dating, She wanted to make Draken jealous,” Takemichi quickly supplied, not bothering to look up from what he’s reading— a shojo manga he borrowed (or snatched, it was the same thing to them) from Chifuyu’s room several weeks back. Thinking back, maybe that whole charade was where everything started, not a catalyst per se, because sometimes Takemichi would think this was all a set of dominoes, only they haven’t reached the end yet where it would all tumble apart.

   Mikey hummed thoughtfully, and when he stared at Takemichi, he looked like a child. “So nothing went on between you two?”

“No, why would there be?” If there ever was one, it’d be a one-sided crush from Takemichi’s part, nothing more and nothing less. Now, he sees Emma as a little sister, if he’d ever had one.

“That’s good. Your plan worked, by the way. Ken-chin wanted to bash your skull then.”

“Ken-chin?”

“That’s Draken.”

Takemichi frantically jumped back. “Eh?! I should probably tell him the truth!”

“You don’t have to. It was so funny.”

“Ugh.” By appearance alone, Draken was already terrifying of a guy, no one should cross him unless they got a death wish. It was luck that the guy seemed to be fond of him enough to put the past behind them. 

“Hey, Takemitchy.”

He tipped his head to the side. “It’s Take-mi-chi, Mikey.”

Mikey flashed a blinding grin. “I know. But it sounds cuter, doesn’t it? Take-mit-chy.”

It should be illegal to look dazzling when he smiled like that, that Takemichi couldn’t really find it himself to say no to. “I guess s—”

He was caught off guard as Mikey crashed his lips against his, and straddled him. Takemichi moaned, tangled his hand over smooth short locks, and allowed himself to forget.

*

On some nights, Takemichi would kiss him knowing there was no way Mikey could ever break, or fall apart easily. Sometimes he wondered if Mikey would ever grab hold of him, and he’d say hey , and then, no . But he didn’t, he encouraged Takemichi if anything, and it was easy to take it all out on him, because Takemich was angry at the world, at himself, at B—

He would bite down on Mikey’s shoulder until he tasted blood, and wondered what kind of past Mikey had that he wouldn’t even wince, wouldn’t even flinch away.

Mikey only laughed, shuddered, and for some reason, understood.

*

One time, Takemichi drew his head back, going to a sudden halt.

Mikey frowned and pulled a what seemed like sulky expression, and he attempted to kiss him again, but Takemichi set a hand over his chest and said wait . 

Mikey stared. “No.”

Takemichi didn’t immediately give in, but after a moment, he leaned in again, making sure he was as gentle and sensitive as possible, because he learned Mikey’s bones are not one to break, because something a lot more fragile is kept within.

Mikey went still, like he wasn’t made for gentleness, like he was meant to be held with rough hands and kissed desperately rather than passionately. Takemichi cuddled his face in a way one would hold something precious.

Then Mikey went alive , and kissed him back at last.

That night, Takemichi learned how to kiss a lost soul.

*

“What’s this?” 

In the dark, Takemichi caught a glimpse of Mikey’s frown as he clasped his palm. “What?” he asked.

“You have a scar here. Who did this to you?” 

Takemichi blinked. “Oh, that. No one. I did that to myself.”

His frown deepened. “Why would you hurt yourself?”

“I—” He paused. “” It’s not like that. I was a child when I did this. As a promise.”

Mikey cocked an eyebrow. “Promise?”

“Of sorts.”

Mikey didn’t probe him for more, but subconsciously, Takemichi kept his hand away from him for the rest of the night, because he was selfish like that.

*

“ They want me to inherit grandma’s pet store. ”

“I see.”

“ I don’t want to live there. I think they’re going to transfer the shop in Shibuya. ”

“Makes sense.”

“ I think I’m not going to college .”

“Oh.”

“ What’s wrong with you? 

“What do you mean?”

“ At least fucking say something. ”

The call was cut off. 

*

“How do you keep yourself from losing important things.”

Mikey paused from playing with Takemichi’s hand. “Come again?” 

He shook his head, and buried his face on the pillow. “Forget about it.”

Mikey didn’t. He rolled over the bed and poked a finger on his cheek. “Takemitchy, c’mon, look at me.”

He stayed buried and his voice came muffled. “What is it?”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Nothing.”

Mikey climbed on him, until he lolled on his back. He reminded Takemichi of a cat hungry for attention.

“Mikey, get off. You’re heavy.” He looked over his shoulder, Mikey’s hair falling on his face. “Mikey, I can’t breathe.”

Mikey kept moving restlessly, like he’s searching for a comfortable spot while sprawled all over him. 

Takemichi groaned and rolled to his back, catching Mikey’s waist before he fell off him. He grabbed them in a sitting position, with Mikey between his legs and his back pressed against Takemichi’s chest. “Geez, why are you so…”

Mikey opened his mouth, then closed it again. He snuggled against him, satisfied, although he looked like he had something to say a while ago.

“I have a bestfriend,” Takemichi started, unsure where he was going. “Or had, well I don’t really know anymore. We’ve been together since we were children, he was a family to me. But now I think…” he trailed off. Mikey raised his chin to look at him. “I think he hates me.”

Mikey frowned. “Who’d hate you?”

“You don’t understand.” He sniffled, the familiar sting at the back of his eyes returning. “I was a shitty friend. He didn’t deserve it.” 

“What did he say?” asked Mikey.

He tucked his face to Mikey’s hair, and let the tears stream down, unable to hold them back anymore.

“…Takemitchy?”

“Sorry.” He sniffed. “Can I stay like this for a while?”

Swiftly, Mikey said, “I don’t mind.”

*

Chifuyu returned two weeks after he left, because he still has school. He didn’t talk with Takemichi for a week, then a month that skipped Chifuyu’s birthday, and then a month.

They didn’t talk at all. 

When Takemichi grazed his teeth on the scar, it bled all the way red. He didn’t wash his hand.

“Hey.”

Takemichi didn’t stir from where he sat on Mikey’s bed. 

“Hey, Takemitchy.”

Takemichi was unresponsive, still didn’t move. Couldn’t. Didn’t want to. His feet lagging behind him.

“Stop sulking there. It’s bothering me. Seriously.” He kicked Takemichi’s leg. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s almost graduation.”

“So?”

He buried his face on his knees. “It sucks.”

“That you’re graduating high school?”

Mikey didn’t know about Chifuyu. They didn’t talk about that. “Yeah.”

“Are you scared of college?”

“No.”

“Then what hell are you sulking for?”

He took a deep sigh. “It’s about Chifuyu.” From across the bed, he felt Mikey stiffen, he looked up and saw his smile froze.

“Who’s that?” he asked.

“My bestfriend. I mentioned him to you already.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“I did,” he insisted, although he didn’t really remember anything. 

“You only mentioned him once,” Mikey said, undeterred. “In the bathroom. When you mistook me for him.”

“Ah.” So he really didn’t. “Chifuyu’s my bestfriend. We haven’t talked for months.” 

“Is that why you’re sad?”

Takemichi answered nothing. He felt the weight on his side of the bed dipped down, hair tickling his cheek. Mikey was suddenly sitting close.

“Takemitchy.”

“Mikey.”

“You alright?” 

He didn’t glance at him. “No.”

“How long since you last talked?”

“2 months and 18 days.”

“Oh wow. I’d be upset too if that happened to me and Ken-chin” Without notice, Mikey began pulling him off his comfort position, his expression not betraying a clue to what he was aiming for. 

“Mikey?!” he shouted, alarmed.

“The guy’s living next to ours, right? Let’s go to him then.”

He felt his heart explode. “Wha— No, fuck, no! I’m not ready yet!”

Damn Mikey and his herculean strength. What does this guy eat?!

“Let go, Mikey!” he cried.

“No. We’re going to him whether you like it or not.”

His nails scraped against the bedsheets. “No fucking way!”

“Do you want me to carry you all the way there?”

“Mikey!”

“NO! Don’t you fucking take my dear towel as hostage—”

“Stop pulling my feet first—”

“That’s my whole life, Takemitchy!”

“And you’re going to ruin my life too!”

“You’re fucking exaggerating!”

“I’m not the one calling an old, dirty towel my life!”

“Listen here, you little shit—”

*

Chifuyu didn’t hide his surprise when Takemichi was dumped on his front door by Mikey. Seeing his bestfriend’s face was enough for Takemichi to burst into tears again. 

“Chifuyu!” he shouted, throat dreadfully dry. “Chifuyu, Chifuyu, Chifuyu.”

Chifuyu looked paralyzed on the spot. “Y-Yes, I’m Chifuyu.” His gaze flitted at Mikey narrowly, then snapped back to Takemichi. “W-What’s going on?”

“I… I…” In that instant, the rain poured down, lightning flashing briefly in the pitch-black sky. Chifuyu yanked Takemichi to his feet, then turned towards Mikey.

“Let’s get inside before any of you get wet.”

*

Chifuyu threw him to the couch, and Takemichi immediately leaned down to pet Peke J from under his seat. The cat nuzzled to his touch, it’s been a while since they saw each other, after all. He was glad to be missed.

The black cat licked his hand. He giggled. “I missed you too, Peke J.” 

“You’re talking to a cat,” Mikey deadpanned, nose turned up in amusement. 

“I’m going to the kitchen to make hot chocolate. Wait here,” said Chifuyu, as he strode away in another direction. At the same time, Takemichi rose to his feet.

“I’m following him,” Takemichi said, talking to Mikey, who waved his hand offhandedly and shouted after him, 

“I want lots of marshmallows in my drink!” 

When Takemichi arrived in the kitchen, Chifuyu was standing before the counter, his hands intertwined together in a calm, thoughtful gesture. There was little moonlight filtering through the small windows, kissing the side of his face in an afterglow. There was something breathtaking to it, because his bestfriend had grown up beautifully, and it didn’t diminish his soft features, not in the slightest bit. No one would know that aside from him, and he wondered how someone could look so simple yet perfect in all sense of the word.

For a moment, Chifuyu looked back. Takemihi stared at him, like he was seeing for the first time, when they had known each other for years. Then Chifuyu smiled, because there was an idiot in his doorway. “What are you standing there for?”

Takemichi was reminded of the time they first met, in the first year of elementary. He could still distinctly recall Chifuyu, walking toward him, an air of awe and curiosity. He remembered golden locks under the sky, captivating green eyes, like a summer sea that reflects emerald hues on the surface. What are you standing there for , he had asked. Stop crying. Where are your parents?

Here, right this moment, he felt like home.

His heart gave a painful squeeze. 

Chifuyu was still watching him in silent question, oblivious that Takemichi was having the revelation that could tip his entire life upside down. 

Takemichi trembled at the brewing tears, the air in his lungs turning to water, fixed on drowning him. God , he thought. I’m in l—

“Takemichi—shit, you alright?” Chifuyu caught him right before he fell, but that’s too late. He really fell a long time ago. Takemichi inhaled shakily, and fisted Chifuyu’s clothes, crying hard to his chest. “…Takemichi? What’s wrong? What happened?”

All this time he was—

He was—

Takemichi was shaking. He was too much of an emotional wreck at the moment to hear what Chifuyu was saying, but he stifled when gentle arms carefully wrapped themselves around his back, saying, there, there .

He allowed silence to fall between them, only cut off by Takemichi's occasional sobbing. 

“I’m sorry,” he said. 

Chifuyu perched his chin on top of his head. “For what?”

“I was an asshole to you.”

“So you know.” 

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too.”

Takemichi peeked from his collar. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

Chifuyu sent him a sad smile. “I do. For a lot of things.”

He hugged him tightly. “I hid many things from you.”

“I know.” Takemichi’s heart skipped a beat. “But I didn’t ask.”

“How?”

“I just do. I’m your bestfriend, you know? I know you the most.”

Right. He’s his bestfriend. His partner. Some things hadn’t changed, and maybe won’t ever. And wouldn’t that be for the best?

“Do you… hate me?” He felt like the time itself held its breath too, waiting patiently but Chifuyu’s answer came instantaneously, as if it was written on instinct. 

“No. Never. I could never hate you, Takemichi. Remember that forever.” 

Takemichi cried, and even then he didn’t stop breaking. “Thank you.” He sniffed and sobbed and ached. “Thank you,” he said again. 

They stayed like that for what felt like hours, because maybe if he held on enough, things wouldn’t ever fall apart. But time didn't wait for them, and the kettle bellowed at that moment so Chifuyu latched himself off from each other at once.

Takemichi whined a little. Chifuyu shook his head, amused. “Let’s have this later, dummy. You’re making your friend wait.”

Takemichi accepted it at that. 

Chifuyu made a coffee for himself while two cups of hot chocolate for Takemichi and Mikey. Takemichi told him about drowning one of the cups in marshmallows because Mikey wanted his like that. Chifuyu smiled, curious, but obliged.

The rain roared outside, and it was chilly but not that chilly. Not with Chifuyu standing close to him.

When they came back in the living room, Mikey was relaxed on the couch, Peke J snuggling on his lap. They thought he was fast asleep, but he cracked one eye open as soon as he heard them approaching.

“Is that my hot chocolate?”

Chifuyu handed the steaming beverage to his waiting hand. Takemichi sat next to Mikey while Chifuyu sat across them, warm in his thick jacket.

“Peke J seems to like you a lot,” Chifuyu remarked. The cat bounced off Mikey’s lap to Chifuyu instantly, like she wanted to express, I still like you more! . Takemichi giggled when Mikey snorted, betrayed. “Soo, Mikey, isn’t it?”

He sipped his drink before answering. “Yes, and you’re Chifuyu?” 

“Yep, that’s me.”

Takemichi shuffled sheepishly, unsure if there’s a room for him in the conversation. Then Mikey blurted out, “Takemitchy was sulking a lot about you, he even cried—”

He clasped Mikey’s mouth immediately for all the dignity he left. “I did not!” He retracted when Mikey stuck his tongue out in his palm. “Disgusting, Mikey!”

He feigned a gasp. “You’re disgusted at my saliva? Who are you kidding—”

Takemichi clamped his mouth shut again, whole face red. “Shut up already!”

He heard Chifuyu say ehem . Takemichi composed himself back to his seat, but not before casting Mikey a troubled look. “So,” Chifuyu uttered. “What are the two of you?”

Takemichi was a bit at lost. “What do you mean—”

All of a sudden, Mikey grabbed his hand, intertwined their fingers together, then declared, “We’re in a relationship.”

Takemichi spat out his drink. Chifuyu choked on his. What the fuck, wait, since when—

Then Chifuyu was nodding, a distant understanding on his face, and Takemichi’s heart sunk that left his whole chest vacant. 

“I see,” he said. “I’m happy for you.”

There was a clang that echoed dully in his ears. 

“Anyway.” Chifuyu turned to Mikey. “Were you the one who brought Takemichi here?”

The conversation faded in his mind, and he found himself doing everything on autopilot, answering questions, talking when he was needed, but it’s mostly Mikey and Chifuyu who spoke, their discussion entering in one ear and exiting in the other. 

*

Mikey left some time at 10 pm with a peck on the lips. Takemichi was— tired, so he smiled and accompanied him out, something unspoken hanging between them. He had a lot of things to say, a lot of why’s, how’s, but they merged themselves as a lump in his throat.

When it’s just two of them, alone at once, Chifuyu noted snarkily, “You make an odd pair.”

His own laugh felt foreign. “We do?”

They went upstairs, to Chifuyu’s room, and it felt like ages since he last set foot here. Until now, he could still hear the strange voice that sounded remarkably like his own telling him he didn’t deserve to be here, not with all lies wrapped around him.

He padded barefoot toward the lone chair, making himself feel at home. Chifuyu took a squat on his bed. “About Mikey, I kind of know him. Please be careful when you’re together.”

Huh, he didn’t expect him to say that. “Why?”

“He’s connected to a lot of things. Him, Baji, Draken and others more, fighting and stuff. I heard he got involved in a criminal case once.”

Mikey didn’t tell him anything about that. Not that he had any reason to, but he thought… they were friends, at the very least. “Criminal case?”

Chifuyu widened his eyes. “But I’m not saying he’s a bad person or anything! I’m pretty sure you know those things already. You’re together, right?”

He dodges his eyes. “Oh… right. Yeah,” he lied. “We met at Emma’s party.”

“What party?”

Oh. Right. How should he explain this. “Remember her 18th birthday last year? On the day after that, she threw a party at her home. There were drinks and stuff. You weren’t invited because you weren’t legal yet.”

“Dude.” Chifuyu looked subtly offended. “I was literally a month away from turning 18.”

“But you were still 17.”

“And you didn’t tell me.”

“Those were the rules.”

“We had our own rules too,” Chifuyu reminded him. “One that comes first before anything else.”

The sting came without a warning. “I’m sorry! I’ll make it up to you, I swear.”

His bestfriend chuckled breathily. “You better do.” Chifuyu smiled and Takemichi almost forgot the blankness he felt earlier— Almost. Chifuyu crossed his legs and tapped the space next to him on the bed. “Come sit here, partner.”

He did. 

Chifuyu stared at him, observing. “You stopped bleaching your hair.”

He nodded briskly. “I’m not a child anymore, so…” It was a weird hairstyle anyway. Chifuyu pointed that out a lot.

Chifuyu still kept his hair blond, though Takemichi thought anything would suit him just fine. Chifuyu pressed his back against the wall. “Yeah. We’re not children anymore.” He tilted his head to one side, searching his face, and his expression indicated, tell me more .

He told him everything that happened, ever since Hina’s kiss, then kissing a guy in the dark, all his messing around that made him sound like a whore that ended with Mikey.

Takemichi hugged his knees together, like he always did. “Apparently, I like guys too.” 

Chifuyu rested his head on his shoulder. “There’s nothing wrong with that.” Then he said, “I thought you were avoiding me because I did something wrong.” 

If he could bring back those months missed, he would. “No.”

“Then why?”

“I can’t tell you yet… but it’s not because I hated you. I promise I’ll tell you someday, but not…right now.”

“Is the reason connected to you messing around?”

“…Maybe. I think so.”

There was a fleeting silence as Chifuyu seemed to doubt himself. “You won’t go back to that habit again, will you?”

Takemichi snapped to him, neck craning. “Huh?”

“You know… making out with people.”

He transformed to a stuttering mess. “Uh—Uh, n-no, not anymore! I swear Mikey’s the last!”

Chifuyu seemed relieved to hear that, his tensed features softening. “Good to hear." It must have been the trick of light, but he could've swore he saw Chifuyu's eyes darken. "Don’t do that again.”

“Y-Yes.” He won’t, that was his biggest mistake. He came to terms with that.

Chifuyu sighed. “Is there something else you want me to know?”

Yes, Takemichi thought. I’m in love with you, I want you to belong with me, I want you to be mine, I want to be yours. I don’t think I could ever stop loving you—

“That’s everything.” He swallowed the bitterness because he can taste them. Somehow, those two words felt longer than the sentences he had in his mind. “Your turn now.”

“Just one thing,” Chifuyu said. “It’s about Baji.”

Takemichi wondered if he ever hated a man in his life. Only one other person came to mind, and it was Kisaki. The same guy who hit Chifuyu with a crowbar during a fight when they were seven and sent him to hospital. Takemichi cursed Kisaki until the loathing turned his skin black.

“What about him?” he muttered.

“He asked me if I want to marry him after college.”

His mind went numb. Takemichi knew he needed something to anchor himself with, anything to ground him. “What did you say?”

“I told him the truth: I’m not sure I could.”

Takemichi took Chifuyu’s hand, leverage or not. “You’re not sure?”

“Yeah. I don’t know. I just— I can’t see it— I wasn’t ready yet.” 

He drew breath out of thick air. “What did he say?”

“And then,” Chifuyu continued, the world going silent. “We broke up.”

Dread was the sound of Chifuyu’s voice breaking, too many pieces falling apart to catch hold of. Takemichi was instantly filled with misguided anger. “He broke up with you over something like that ?”

“No,” Chifuyu croaked, squeezing his hand. “We talked… a lot after. He made me figure out a couple of things.”

“And those were?”

He felt him go rigid on his side. “…Like my feelings.”

“Feelings?”

“I admired him so much, Takemichi,” Chifuyu’s forehead slipped, until his mouth was pressed on his shoulder. “But it wasn’t like that. It wasn’t like that.”

“…Chifuyu?”

Chifuyu hummed in answer, a burned-out sound from his throat. It took a lot of seconds —Takemichi counted 143, because he had nothing else to do— before Chifuyu said something again. “I’m tired.”

Takemichi leaned his neck to fit Chifuyu’s head in the hollow space. He wrapped his arm around his partner’s shoulder. “Me too.”

The sleep that befell him was a bittersweet mercy.

*

“Why’d you say that?”

Mikey didn’t look in the slightest bit regretful, and Takemichi realized he wasn’t as infuriated as he should probably be. “That we’re dating?” Mikey asked.

They were in Takemichi’s room, and Takemichi counted 28 days in his fingers. 28 days before graduation. He curled his fingers to a fist then focused on the book he’s reviewing for the finals— or try to, anyway, he had been stuck on the same page for more than half an hour.

He nodded remotely at Mikey.

“You don’t like it?”

“Because we’re not like that,” Takemichi answered easily. He flipped for the new page. The lollipop hung from his mouth. Sweets were good for the brain, they said.

“So, would you have preferred to tell Chifuyu that we’re fuck buddies?”

Takemichi choked in his own spit that the candy fell from his mouth. “We’re what—! Oh my god.” It wasn’t completely inaccurate, but regardless— He threw the book at Mikey, scandalous. “Don’t say something like that with a straight face! And what if anyone hears?!”

Mikey ducked away with no difficulty. “So would you have told him then?”

Takemichi almost pulled his hair in frustration, because he promised— he promised he wouldn't hide anything anymore. He felt like he’s back at the starting point again. “I—” He shut his mouth, gaze downcast. “I need to.”

Mikey seemed to consider that. “Are you so against the idea to have me as a boyfriend?”

Something about the note of worry in his tone took Takemichi by surprise. “No, It’s actually the other way around!” He crossed the room to pick up the book he mindlessly threw in a fit of annoyance. “You’re the one who wouldn’t like the idea of me as a boyfriend.”

Mikey had an unreadable face when he asked, “Why not?”

He chuckled nervously. “I’m not exactly made for that. You know, relationships. Besides, I’m still trying to fix what I have with Chifuyu.” 

“Didn’t you fix it already?”

“Well yeah.” He came back to his spot, which was beside Mikey. “But fixing myself is also part of it. Like, for example,” He opened the book, and everything was a mess of numbers and letters that were supposed to be numbers. “Accepting myself and my feelings.”

Mikey stared in wonder. “Accept?”

“Yeah.” He needed a start, something to propel him to move forward. He wanted Mikey to be the first person to know. So he smiled, looked up to face him, and remembered yesterday. Chifuyu, basked in the moonlight. Chifuyu, looking stunning while just standing… there, and Takemichi knew he would never exchange that moment for the world. “Yesterday I realized I’m in love with my bestfriend.”

And God, was it so easy to say now, when he wasn’t so intent in pushing everything to the shadows, when he finally held the courage to accept those feelings as part of him, because the more he denied it, the more it grew, uncontrollable and lashing, until there was a stark difference between the person Chifiyu loved and the person Takemichi was seeing in his reflection. 

They needed to be set free. So set them free he did.

Mikey’s reaction was the one he least expected. A mixture of horror and dread slowly unraveled themselves in his features. Takemichi couldn’t understand. 

“Mikey?” He scanned his face. “Did I say something wrong—” Mikey caught his wrist mid-air. His eyes were big and wide and onyx pitch black. Takemichi wondered if pupils were somewhere there, or if it’s already all pupils— no irises, seeing everything. 

“What did you say?” Mikey’s grip was hurting him.

“Mikey—ow, let go—” He winced.

Mikey’s face was— terrifying, his heart almost lurched. Then the blond blinked, and it was gone as soon as it came. Mikey promptly released him, muttering apologetically.

He rubbed the skin there, didn’t feel like it would bruise anytime soon. “It’s fine. What happened?”

Mikey shook his head. “I was just… surprised.”

“I—” He was cut off as Mikey abruptly climbed to his feet, and walked toward the door without a pause, without looking behind. “Oi, Mikey, you’re going already—?”

“Yeah.” Then he slammed the door shut without another word.

Takemichi came up with nothing about why he’d suddenly act like that.

*

“ What? Why’re you suddenly calling in the middle of the night? ”

“I just wanted to hear your voice.”

“ Wha—?! ”

“Just kidding! I can’t sleep.”

“ I can. Goodbye— ”

“WAIT! I just— Can you leave the call in line?”

“ What d’ya mean?”

“Don’t hang up.”

“ …Okay. Just like back then? ”

“Yep!”

“ Sure, partner .”

*

“Hey… partner? Are you still there? You’ve fallen asleep, huh. Makes sense. It’s really late.

“…You know what, Chifuyu? I love you. And sometimes I’m so in love with you that I’d forget you don’t feel the same way.”

*

“Three weeks!” Takemichi shouted, drawing heads in his direction that were just as stressed as he was. He immediately buried himself behind the stack of books in embarrassment. Chifuyu giggled across him.

“Idiot, don’t suddenly scream like that. This is library,” he teasingly reprimanded him. He was reading Japan history books, or was that Macbeth? Takemichi didn’t know anymore, his eyes had been glazed for studying three hours straight. He wanted to go home. 

He stretched his body, bones cracking. Maybe he could hang out in Chifuyu’s place for quite a bit, play GTA and start gang wars, or just—rest. He was fine with anything. He needed the break.

It was three weeks before the graduation, the same day he was planning to…

He felt constipated.

“Takemichi? What’s wrong?”

He schooled his crumpled look to a chirpy one. “Nothing! I’m going to the bathroom for a bit.”

“’Kay.”

Takemichi headed out. On his way to the building’s bathroom, he bumped into Emma. He grinned at her, but she has a different look on her face. “Hey, Emma! We were studying in library. Wanna join— Huh, what’s wrong?”

“ Takemitchy. ” He flinched at the nickname. Only one person uses that nickname on him, who happened to be Emma’s brother. She was frowning at him. “What gives?”

“Study,” Takemichi repeated. “I said Chifuyu and I were studying in lib for the finals. I was asking—”

“I heard you with that!”

He grimaced at the sudden rise of tone. He stared at her dumbly. “Huh?”

She seized his palm, and without offering any kind of reason, no room for hesitation, grabbed him with her. They arrived on the school grounds, outside and mostly isolated. Takemichi’s anxiety spiked up. “Emma, uhm— Miss Emma—?”

Her nose flared. “This isn’t a time to be joking around, Takemichi!”

Okay, well. She’s mad. Was he supposed to calm her or something? “I don’t know what’s going on?!”

“You don’t?! Stop pretending! Mikey— My brother is so sad because of you!”

He was expecting a lot of things but—that. Worry transfixed his expression. “What do you mean Mikey is sad?” 

Emma seemed to be less angry. She still was, but it was now less directed at him. “You really have no idea?”

“I don’t. He didn’t tell me anything. What happened? Where is he?” The last time they talked was when… Mikey stormed out of his room. He thought he was just hit with one of his sudden moods, or realized he had more stuff he opted to do. 

Emma bit her bottom lip, her face ashen. Emma was the only other person who knew about his… kind of friendship with Mikey, if they were to call it that. Regardless, it was hard to ignore it if someone like Mikey, who was constantly all grins and mischief, to act less like himself. “I heard from Chifuyu,” she confronted him. “That you’re dating Mikey. I thought you guys were just…?”

“Ah.” He blushed. Then he told her what happened last week, how Mikey lied and Takemichi rode with it and all that. He thought how awkward was it that he got to fake date these two? And they were siblings at that.

Takemichi wished he was not setting a record for himself.

Emma took the information in with a grievous face, going paler every second. His breath hitched, feeling the amiss in the air.

“Emma.” He took her hand in an attempt to comfort. “What happened?”

She was shaking like a leaf, worry apparent on her face. “Can you go to him? It’s not your fault, Takemichi. But…”

“Of course I could!” he assured confidently. “I’m just gonna pack my stuff and head there.”

Emma’s smile was sincere, although he couldn’t help but notice the hint of pain in it. “Thank you. Also, you look brighter.”

He paused. “Huh?”

She stared at him like she’s watching a flower bloom. It made him feel flustered. “It’s because you fixed whatever went on between you and Chifuyu, isn’t it?” She grinned. “I feel like I’ve watched two lovers reconcile.”

His heartbeat sped up. “Eh!”

She stifled a giggle. “Oh my, you’re blushing!” Her smile faded to a knowing smirk. “Somehow, I feel like I’ve always known.”

“…Emma?”

She promptly took him by the shoulders, pushing him from behind. “Off, off, you go! Talk to Mikey, okay?!”

He had the impression that there were some more things he needed to know, but he didn’t want to read too much into it. “Yes!” he saluted.

*

“You’re going home?” Chifuyu asked. Takemichi shoved his books into his bag.

“Not my home. I’m coming over to Mikey’s.” He strapped the bag to his shoulder. “Wanna come with me?”

“I’m not going to third-wheel you,” Chifuyu turned him down with a snort. 

He rubbed the back of his neck. “Ahaha. Well, I guess so. I’m off now!”

*

When he knocked at the Sano household, the person who opened the door wasn’t Mikey, but someone else as familiar, an all but forgotten face from his childhood. “Shinichiro?!”

The older man chuckled, a cigarette in the corner of his mouth. With two fingers, Shinichiro pulled it from his lips, a residue of oil and grease in his nails. “Hey there, Takemichi,” he greeted with a relaxed expression of polite interest. “You’ve sure grown up a lot, huh?”

He grinned and scratched his cheek. “Well, yeah! It’s been years, after all.”

Shinichiro nodded thoughtfully. He had Mikey’s obsidian eyes, which were as dark as his hair. “I just came back from the Philippines yesterday. I think I’m gonna check on Chifuyu later.”

“Is that so!” Then he’ll hang out in Chifuyu’s place later!

“You’re here for Mikey?”

“Yes. Is he here?”

“Sure. Having one of his outbursts.” Shinichiro nimbly pressed the tip of the cigarette on the doorframe. “The brat threw the remote control across the room and broke the fucking thing when Doraemon was supposed to be aired around this time. That little shit.”

He laughed meekly. “Why is he…?”

Shinichiro caught it. “Dunno. He has been like that since I got home. He only greeted me with ‘You’re finally back’ then kept himself in his room. I asked Keisuke, he said he didn’t know either.” He shot Takemichi a look, head tilting sideways. “Do you?”

“I don’t know— Emma sent me here.”

“Emma— oh .” Understanding fell on his face, it was like he found an implication in mentioning Emma, a hidden conversation between them that Takemichi wasn’t privy of. “I’m getting the gist of it.”

“Huh?”

Shinichiro appraised him for a moment. “Takemichi, you were about to go to him, yes?”

He nodded uncomprehendingly.

“Right, take your sweet time, kid.” Shinichiro pulled himself to the side, allowing Takemichi to enter. He ruffled Takemichi’s hair, brotherly fond. Takemichi wanted to linger for longer, Shinichiro was the sort of person you’d feel like you could talk with anything about without the fear of getting criticized. But alas, he needed to get to Mikey first. “I’m cooking dorayaki. Mention that to Mikey,” Shinichiro requested. “I’m sure he’s hungry already.”

“Okay!”

He waited as Shinichiro vanished in the other arched doorway before he climbed upstairs, ignoring the foreboding intuition.

*

Or maybe, Takemichi should have listened to that bad premonition of his. He went straight to Mikey’s room without any sort of reservation, making his way in memorized steps. The door was unlocked, remarkably, and he pushed it open without much thought.

He was nearly struck by a hurled cloth hanger. He barely closed the door in time as the thrown object slammed the door in a ringing thump .

“I said fucking leave me alone, Shinichiro!”

Takemichi reflected for a moment. That was Mikey. Furious. “This is not Shinichiro!” he shouted, unsure. “It’s me, Takemitchy !”

There was a silence on the other side, and then— the door opened, revealing Mikey, looking exhausted and bewildered. “Takemitchy?”

“Yes! I’ve come here.” He fumbled for words. “I heard you are not feeling well.” 

Mikey was quiet as he processed that. Somehow, Takemichi thought his eyes flickered. “You came here for me?” he asked.

“Of course. I was worried,” he admitted, because he really was. “Can I come in?”

Mikey nodded, pushing the door more open. It made Takemichi smile in relief. He entered the room, and found that the smell was still the same, still so Mikey and somehow it stirred him with familiarity. 

Takemichi waited for Mikey to move, sit or anything, but he remained standing, blinking at the ground like he was seeing it for the first time, like he was reading a pattern there. Takemichi didn’t know if it was deliberate or done unconsciously. He cleared his throat. “Mikey?”

Mikey’s unnervingly blank gaze flickered to him. “Yes?”

“What happened?” His gaze swept around the room, the upside down chairs, books fallen from the shelves, ripped curtains and blankets. He frowned. It was like a hurricane struck the room. 

“Wouldn’t you like to know.” Mikey’s demeanor was tense, fist clenched. He gave Takemichi an impression of a guarded dog, something that would bite your finger off if you got closer.

“I would like to know,” he said. “We’re friends, aren’t we?”

He saw Mikey wavered at the term, and Takemichi pretended the blatant repulsion didn’t hurt. Then Mikey cupped his neck, tiptoed, leaned his face, and collided their lips together.

Takemichi gasped, and Mikey used the opportunity to shove his tongue in his mouth. Takemichi staggered back, collapsing on his butt. The trip slipped Mikey’s mouth slantingly. It allowed Takemichi to stagger back, giving himself room to breathe, filling his lungs with air.

His heart was racing. “M-Mikey?” Mikey seemed to go in for another, but Takemichi brought out his palms to stop him. He was shaking with fear. “W-Wait.”

He thought he saw Mikey’s eyes shift with anger. But like the last time, it was a passing shadow. “There’s your answer, Takemichi. ”

Takemichi didn’t know what to think of that. And then—

It hit him. Oh. Oh . He hid his mouth with his palm. “Mikey— shit, shit .”

He saw Mikey’s eyes plunge to darkness. 

He sat down on the floor, his eyes unseeing. Takemichi was an idiot, he didn’t know, he didn’t— He gritted his teeth. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know— Fuck I—”

And then, a small laugh, and it took everything from Takemichi not to hold Mikey again. It would only make matters worse, if it wasn’t already. “I see,” Mikey said. “I understand.”

“Mikey—”

“It’s fine, Takemitchy,” he interrupted, his voice cracking at the last syllable of his name. He heard his own heart break too. He was starting to hate himself for this. Out of all people, why him ? He didn’t deserve this, for Mikey to love someone like him, he couldn’t—

“It’s fine,” Mikey said again. Takemichi looked up, and there were— tears. Falling from Mikey’s eyes, like a downpour of rain in pitch-black sky. It was a face that will forever burn in his mind. It pierced his heart, molded it into something different, a gaping hole right in the middle.

Mikey’s head fell to his chest, and Takemichi waited until dawn until all his tears were liberated. 

The poets lied, love wasn’t the most wonderful thing in the universe at all. It turned dreamers into fools, and lured the fools into a promise of paradise, only to be a nightmare in disguise. 

*

Takemichi wondered if there was ever a way for someone to stop loving someone else. If anyone else out there had figured out the answer to that.

“Do you know,” Chifuyu said, his smile meaningful, one Sunday morning where the time seemed not to matter. “That Hina and Yuzuha are dating?”

Takemichi choked on nothing. “Wait, really ?”

His partner laughed deliberately, as if it was particularly amusing that Takemichi had no idea. “Yep. Are you blind? It was literally obvious they’re into each other.”

“Well, good for her,” he said. He really meant it. He was happy she finally found someone. He hoped she was happy, wherever she is now, wherever she will be.

Chifuyu side-eyed him, and nudged his elbow. “You look distracted. What happened? How are you and Mikey anyway?”

Takemichi watched his bestfriend and soaked in the attention he was being given. Dragonflies. Ocean beaches. Aurora borealis. But he loved the teal in Chifuyu’s eyes the most. The only shade that ever mattered. “We weren’t really together,” Takemichi confessed. His shoulders trembled a bit, remembering their fall out. “It was only a front. We were— fuck buddies.”

Chifuyu flipped out. Maybe he really shouldn’t have said that.

“You were —WHAT?”

Takemichi came across Inupi huddled with books between the bookcases. There was one that has the thickest cover, flopped open on his lap. The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes and Other Stories . “I’m torn,” Inupi said. “Between wanting to be a detective or starting a motor shop.”

Takemichi nodded in understanding. It was two weeks before graduation, everyone was planning for their career, choosing, deciding. Takemichi himself was anxious about it, still indecisive, the path ahead yet to turn clear. But that was alright, he still had the time in the world to figure it out. He won’t rush, but he won’t act idle about it either.

“You don’t have to sacrifice anything,” Takemichi said, standing close to browse the books above Inupi. “For example, you can study in university to be a detective. Save money and all that, then you can start a motor shop as a hobby.” 

“That’s—” Inupi bit his bottom lip. “That’s pretty smart. What about you, Takemichi? Got anything in mind?”

He sighed. “Remember what you said a while back? About ‘realizing stuff before it’s too late’? Well, guess what.”

Inupi glanced in interest. “What?”

“I do realize things now. I’m done running away.” 

For a moment, Inupi didn’t make a sound. And when Takemichi looked down at him again, he was smiling. “That’s good news. I’m happy for you.”

Even if Inupi probably didn’t have any idea what he was talking about, it still felt good to have someone else that knows . “You too,” he said. “You should figure things out with Koko.”

Inupi’s composed expression wavered briefly, and then he broke to a soft smile. “I already did, Takemichi.” I already know , his eyes said. 

He wished Koko knew too.

*

Takemichi was frying his brain trying to name three universities that were in his options. He hadn’t done any exploring for the whole week!

“You look like you’re having a hard time there, pal.” Akkun regarded him with an equal amount of pity and amusement.

“This sucks. I’m losing brain cells too fast.”

“Do you even have any to begin with?” teased Chifuyu, sitting on his chair with his legs spread on the back posts, chin propped on the top rail.

Takemichi scowled. “Damn you, Chifuyu! Just because you’re not going to college! Help me out here!”

Chifuyu stuck his tongue, laughing. “No way!”

“But,” Takuya said, smiling at them fondly. “It sure is sad now that we’re all going our own ways.”

Makoto cringed away from them. “Don’t go crying now, you baby!”

“I will not?! If anything, it’ll be Takemichi who’ll cry!”

“Haha, that’s right, Takuya!”

“Eh! Shut up, Kazushi! Why am I suddenly being ganged up on!”

“Because it’s true.”

“Not you too, Chifuyu!”

*

The days were flying too fast. Graduation was two days away before they knew it —not technically two days, as there was still stage practice and stuff that Takemichi would probably only attend once —and he had more or less completed filling out his college plan form to submit to their class president.

He thought about it over and over again: what he wanted. The answer came in the sheet before him, words spelled out in dark, heavy ink.

“Criminology?” Chifuyu pried the paper from his hand, inspecting it. “Ooh, that’s very like you.”

Takemichi sprawled himself on Chifuyu’s bed. Summer was starting to make itself known, with the boiling mornings and all too bright skies. 

“Hmm, I guess I’ll see you in four years, huh?”

A smile made its way on his face. “I guess so,” Takemichi said. “So before I go, I need to say goodbye to people!”

“Idiot. It’s not like you’re going to die or something.”

He laughed. “Well, yeah. But four years are long time. Whether we like it or not, we’d be different people after.”

Chifuyu knocked the tip of his manga to Takemichi’s head. “We’ll still be the same in heart. That I’m sure of.” 

Takemichi sat up, hit by a bolt of metaphorical lightning. “You think I’m going to change, Chifuyu?”

There was a twinkle in Chifuyu’s green eyes that kept him fervent all over, different from the sweltering heat of the sun, different from the summer wind coming from the east. “I’m sure you won’t. But you’ll definitely be better.”

He wished he could be young forever, but time was not patient, never for them. “In graduation,” he muttered. “I want to confess to the person I like.”

“Oh?” Chifuyu perked up. “You like… someone?”

“Yeah. I’m in love with them, actually. I’m planning to confess at graduation. That person is leaving, you see.”

From the corner of his eyes, he saw Chifuyu stiffen like a rock. “I see… Is that why you look like you’re glowing every day?”

He went red to the tip of his ears. “G-Glowing?! What was that!”

Chifuyu chuckled instead of answering. Takemichi wanted to say, you’re the one who’s glowing. “So who’s this? How long have you liked them?”

“For years. I only realized it recently,” he answered truthfully, drifting his gaze to the void. 

Chifuyu awkwardly nodded once. They were quiet for a couple of seconds, only the sound of flipping pages filled the air. He asked, “Why do you like them?”

He felt the air go warm before he could breathe it in, said the words out loud before he could think about them. “His eyes,” he murmured gently.

“His eyes?” Chifuyu echoed. And just like that, everything spilled out.

“Yeah, they always seem to shine, when he’s happy, or mad, or he goes dreamy with his books. They narrow when he’s angry, like they go really, really small. And when he eats, he unconsciously shuts them when the meal is too good. When he drinks though, his eyes get really wide, like this.” Takemichi demonstrated by opening his eyes to the furthest extent, showing the whites above and below his orbs. “He doesn’t even know that he does it! He likes wearing shabby clothes, jackets, sweaters, and sometimes I like borrowing them, not for the warmth, but because they smell like him. He loves cakes with too much icing but doesn’t eat icing alone. In winter, he catches snowflakes with his tongue because he thinks it will give him luck.

“He touches his earring when he’s scared. I know he started to like peyoung yakisoba because someone he greatly respects likes them. I know he doesn’t like puzzles but stay with me until evening to finish them anyway. I know he’s scared of Nostradamus and horror films and any movies where the animals die in them. He likes romance mangas and once I saw him crying in the closet holding one, but he’d totally deny it if I’d ask. His dream was to be a pilot but he said it was so expensive.

“I love him most when he wakes up in his bed hair, or pokes my cheek when he thinks I’m asleep. When I talk long, he’d just watch me and smile occasionally, and I know I’d forget what I would have been saying then. I love him. I love him so much that sometimes everything else would stop mattering to me.” 

He took a deep breath, and when he mustered the courage to glance at Chifuyu, he saw his mouth parted open, eyes widest he’d seen.

He exhaled and buried his face on his knees. Somewhere along the way, he didn’t realize his tears had fallen unguarded, and he thought, I’d said it. I really said it .

The silence was suffocating. Every breath of it felt like something would shatter the next second. Chifuyu shifted in his seat, pulling his knees up together the same way Takemichi did.

His voice came shaky, but it didn’t falter. “I also have someone I like.”

Takemichi held his breath, fear almost corroding him. He almost begged him, almost said he didn’t want to know, not ever.

Chifuyu continued, “When I was six, I hang out in the playground a lot. I met a lot of kids there, one of them was even crying when I first encountered him. One time, my mother took me to there again and didn’t come back. This crybaby kid stayed until evening with me, waiting for her. He was crying the entire time, one would think he was the one who was forgotten there. 

“When I was seven, some kid I was fighting with hit my head with a crowbar, because he knew he was going to lose. I bled red all over, and this same kid rushed me to the hospital. He cried even when I was healed, and didn't eat anything until I could so that we could have dinner together. He slept with his hand on mine so he could be alerted when I woke up.

“When I was nine, I had to leave for province. He cried a lot too, then clung to me the day before. When I returned, he was the first person I saw when I got out of the van, all speed in the world to reach me. He caught me in his arms, and I knew,” He ran a hand on his own mop of hair, “I fell in love with him that day.”

If this was a dream, if he was just sleeping, then Takemichi wanted to stay here forever, he had already forgotten the him prior to this day. 

Still, he pinched his palm. And it stung and stung and stung, but the moment was still here, Chifuyu was still crying next to him, he was still with the person he loved the most.

“This guy you love,” Takemichi said, and didn’t care if his voice was cracking or even barely a voice. “He sounds lame.”

Chifuyu laughed, too many emotions contained in that sound. “He really is.” He wiped his eyes with his sleeves. “He shoves food to his mouth until his cheeks get all bloated. Miraculously, he never seriously choked himself. He falls asleep on his assignments, bites my shoulder for no reason other than he’s bored, can bite his ice cream, stays awake for his puzzles, believed in Santa Claus until he was fifteen, still believes in ghosts. And despite all that.

“I keep falling in love with him everyday. I love it when he says my name, and he does that a lot as if he knows , when he wants something. I realized there’s no one else I could ever love the same. I liked Baji, but Baji was not him.”

For a long moment, Takemichi tried to debate with himself that it might not be him, that there was someone else, someone who had also stood with Chifuyu like that. He denied it, over and over—

But if it was true, if it was a message meant for someone else, then just this moment, Takemichi will live in a lie. Tomorrow could destroy him, but isn’t it fair to enjoy a viridescent sky while it lasted? No one really knows when a tornado might come.

*

He fell asleep hugging Chifuyu, limbs tangled over one another, like the first time they had slept over. He was too in love to dream, and forgot about tornadoes.

*

The dream didn’t fade, there was the light ceiling in Chifuyu’s room, the faint scent of cat food, the airplane model sitting on the far desk, old and pale in color. He smells Chifuyu’s hair before he can see him, feels the pleasant ache before yesterday’s memories hit his mind. 

Nonetheless, there was school. He got up, planted a chaste kiss on Chifuyu’s hair, and stumbled downstairs, where Chifuyu’s mother was cooking breakfast.

She immediately brightened at the sight of him, who was still dazed in his sleep, wobbly and unfocused. “You’re awake! Won’t you like to have breakfast here?”

He shook his head, flashing a grateful smile. “Sorry, I still need to go back home. I left my uniform and my backpack there.”

She put away her spatula. “Alright. Take care, Takemichi!”

“Yes!”

He borrowed their bathroom for a bit, lucky that they have a couple of disposable toothbrushes. He took one, then washed his face, saw his light complexion in the mirror, a tinge of pink in his cheeks.

He smiled a bit. 

Then, he was on the road, sprinting. He still felt lightweighted to start the day like this, it’s two hours away from school time, running like a scalded dog. Just then, a motor halted next to him in the road. Takemichi was prepared to make a run for it, until he recognized the lopsided grin. “Takemitchy, need a ride?”

“Mikey!”

Mikey gestured his head. “Hop aboard.”

He mounted behind him, a bit awkward, anxious to ask how are you? I missed you. Are you doing fine? Have you found someone else? I know it was just two weeks but maybe in love you’re capricious too? I still don’t get what you found in me—

“I don’t think I could go to your graduation,” Mikey shared suddenly. Takemichi nearly let go of his waist. 

“Eh, why?”

“Busy with some stuff. “

“Emma will be sad,” he said without thinking.

Far from worried, Mikey grinned mischievously. “All she said though was, ‘Then don’t go, stupid Mikey!’” he mimicked, raising his voice in few octaves.

“That might be her own way of saying she wants you there!”

“Shinichiro will be there. Besides, who would want to watch very long end credits, anyway? She’ll probably just stand in stage for one second or shorter.”

He sighed, that was a very Mikey-thing to say. Takemichi grinned. “I’m taking criminology, you know?”

“Oh?”

“Yep! I heard from Chifuyu you get involved with criminal stuff once in a while, what are you doing! So—”

“You won’t go easy on me?”

“I was going to say I’m just one call away to bail you out in case!” 

Mikey burst out laughing, Takemichi almost thought he’d fall off the motorbike. “You’re already a crooked cop now!”

“Well,” he said. “It’s still four years away. So don’t go doing serious illegal stuff!”

“So I’d be able to once you’re a cop?”

“No! I’m just saying— urg.” He groaned in resignation. “Listen, take care of yourself! People won’t always be at your beck and call!”

Mikey drew his head back, a smile tugging the corner of his lips, said that’s not quite true , and made a quick turn in an intersection before Takemichi could retort anything. 

“Hey, Mikey.”

“Hm?” Far on the horizon, beyond the river, the sun is gradually painting the world in warm colors. 

“Thanks for everything.” Had Mikey not pushed him to Chifuyu’s house, maybe they would still be ignoring each other’s existence today. 

"Is that something you say to someone you rejected?"

He nearly fell over. "Eh?!"

“I'm just making fun of you, dummy." Mikey chuckled, his smile teasing. “Likewise, Takemitchy,” Mikey said, in a note of finality.

He wondered if that was a goodbye. He didn’t want it to be, but who was he to drag Mikey further down? Takemichi knew Mikey deserved everything for all he’s given him.

The road ahead was still long, but it was familiar now. Everyone had led him back home, back to Chifuyu. 

The beginning started like this, and the skies were clear on that day.

Hina emerged as their valedictorian, and Takemichi felt proud for her. Yuzuha was even more so, jumping from her seat the moment the speech ended, waving her hand with too much vigor from the visitors’ seats he thought she’d start spinning her head next. Hina blushed on her way down.

He had his mother to end his high school, and Chifuyu’s mother was here too. And oh— they were waving at him to come to their spot, take pictures, and tell congratulations. The Sano siblings sans Mikey were already in their circle, flashing photos.

Takemichi ran to them.

*

“What the heck, Takemichi! Is that your smile?!”

“Shut up, Hakkai! You got a problem with my face?!”

“Be gentle with him, he’s just too nervous.”

“Don’t give Hakkai weird ideas, Chifuyu!”

“Okay, 1…2…3—”

.

.

.

“SAY CHEESE!”

*

Takemichi felt mortified looking at his recent classroom group picture, his smile frantic and embarrassing in all ways. He wanted to weep for the failure this was. Chifuyu laughed when he saw that, just like Takemichi expected him to do, but there was warmth and fondness with it.

They hang out with the others one last time, with Hakkai, Emma, Mizo Middle, Hina, Yuzuha, and they even invited Koko and Inui. Hakkai said he’s planning to enter the modeling industry, following after his older sister’s footsteps. Akkun wanted to be a hairstylist, Takuya as an architect, Kazushi as a programmer and Makoto chose Fine Arts.

“You sure you’re not going to a university?” Takemichi asked, in the softly lit balcony of the restaurant Hakkai brought them to (the rich bastard). The half-moon was shining like the sun, no day could ever be as perfect.

“Yep,” Chifuyu answered, surely. The heaven-blue jacket he was wearing made his features seem softer. “I thought about it thoroughly. I really want to inherit grandma’s pet shop.”

“That’s good then.” Takemichi didn’t want him to have any regrets. He wouldn’t worry anymore. “Hey, Chifuyu, I’m gonna do that promise now.”

“Huh? What promise?”

Takemichi held his gaze. “You know, the one where I’d confess to the person I like after graduation.”

He waited as bestfriend’s eyes glowed in epiphany before he uttered:

“I’m in love with you, Chifuyu.”

The instant those words were said, Takemichi felt drained, all the energy leaving him, yet he felt so so alive. The shadows subdued, casting light on his feelings. 

Then, Chifuyu was pull, pulling him, gently as the moon drawing the ocean; a palm on his neck, fingers on his chin, and then, soft lips on his own. And for the first time in ages, Takemichi thought finally, finally, it felt right.

Takemichi melted right into it. His heart was pounding loudly, ever reminding that it’s still there, that he’s still alive and not dying, that he wasn’t sent to heaven during the moment. 

His hands made their way to Chifuyu’s hair, fingers entangled, pressing him closer, because the kiss was light and almost feathery, and Takemichi wanted more . His bestfriend licked his lips, a request to open up, and Takemichi did it instantly, caressing the soft tufts on his head. Chifuyu dipped his head slightly before running his tongue forward, curiously exploring.

Chifuyu lets go of his chin, his hand brushing to his arm, sending shivers in its wake, until it found Takemichi’s other hand, empty. He intertwined them together.

If something eternal did exist, he would pray for this moment to last that long.

Chifuyu brought his thumb to Takemichi’s cheek, wiping his tears tenderly.

“Takemichi?” he hummed on his lips.

“Hm?”

“I love you too.”

Takemichi fell apart, too overwhelmed to think anything. He embraced Chifuyu, nuzzled his face to the hollow space between his neck and shoulder, and god he can’t breathe. Chifuyu lifted his hand and kissed the scar there— their scar, made under the same moonlight, and he knew it witnessed too many broken promises, but he also knew they were rebuilding them, here, right at this moment. 

He knew their friends were watching them in a hidden part of the wall, but he didn't have the strength to glance back. He was thankful of them too, for Emma, for Mizo Middle, for everyone who had been there from the start. He was thankful for Baji too. 

“Takemichi, do you have everything?!”

He whirled his head to the doorway again. “Yes, mom!”

Outside, waiting by the gate was his best friend-slash-boyfriend-slash-partner. He was leaning by the wall, sunlight stroking his face perfectly. He waved when he saw him exit at long last. “Takemichi, you’re gonna be late!”

He clicked his tongue as he ran forward. “I know, I know! Seriously, I think the gifts they’ve given me are supposed to be thrown in my coffin!” The Sano siblings individually gave him objects to remember them by, as well as his close friends. Even Kakucho, all the way from the Philippines with his boyfriend, sent him a gift. He was not dead yet! It’s not like they weren’t allowed to go out of the university the whole year, but they seem to believe otherwise, like he was on a one-way trip with no intention to return!

Chifuyu laughed, catching him in his arms in a quick, sweep of a hug. “I’ll miss you, dummy.”

Takemichi breathed his scent. “I’ll miss you more. Wait for me, ‘kay?”

“That goes without saying, babe.”

“Babe? Is that what we’re going to call each other now?”

“Darling works too. Or sweetheart. Or cutie-pie—”

“I’m just going to call you Chifuyu!” Because Takemichi, in fact , did love saying his name the most.

Chifuyu chuckled, and kissed him passionately, fleetingly. “Yeah, you do that.”

This wasn’t a goodbye, he knew, but a beginning for something more, one rewritten where Chifuyu’s hand is in his this time, and none of them would ever let go. 

The sky seemed to smile at them from above.