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Xiaoge had spreadsheets. Lists. The tiny checkboxes and numbers gave him a feeling of control. He had spent so long using his body as a weapon, being used as a tool. Some days he wasn’t sure what he wanted, what he liked, what he was okay with, or what he just let others do to him, because it was easier than going against them. So he had spreadsheets. He could look at them when he was alone. Spend time with the thoughts of what he wanted. Spend time writing notes and details. He could point to each line and say, ‘This is how I felt when I didn’t feel pressured’. They were for him. For himself to know what he liked. He worried constantly about losing his memories again, and reverting back to just letting things happen. Having physical, non-tangential proof helped.
He wasn’t sure when this obsession started. When he had learned (relearned?) to use the internet, he had discovered there were all kinds of lists out there. He had printed every one that he had found and filled them out, painstakingly thorough. Sometimes it would take him a week to fill out one item. Ruminating over it, imagining how it would feel—did he like ‘Hand holding’? That one took him eight days, practicing, holding his own hand, which seemed pointless. Then imagining walking into a tomb holding Wu Xie’s hand, which seemed dangerous if it was his right hand, but maybe his left hand? He ultimately decided he would put it down as a neutral, to be decided with people he knew, but a definite no for strangers. Others were easy; did he like ‘Kissing’? Yes, but only if it was Wu Xie and Pangzi.
Xiaoge had thought these spreadsheets were for himself, so he knew what he wanted. So when Wu Xie went to kiss him, he knew without a doubt that he wanted it. That he wasn’t just going along with it. After watching Pangzi break down, then Wu Xie break down over Pangzi breaking down after the disaster of having sex, he realized that he wasn’t the only one that needed spreadsheets. If they all had spreadsheets and they all knew what each other's spreadsheets said, then everything would be better. Maybe then, Pangzi wouldn’t have felt pressured into doing something he clearly hadn’t wanted, and Wu Xie would know not to ask.
So when they got home, he went to his room, and took out the box that he kept the spreadsheets in. He supposed he could have done them on the computer, but it didn’t feel real to him unless it was printed out and written in his own handwriting. He had about three binders of spreadsheets at this point. He liked to categorize them. One he dubbed ‘Sex’, which listed all different kinds of sex acts and sexual things. He had quickly added the subtitle, ‘Only with Pangzi and Wu Xie’, since the idea of anyone else made him physically uncomfortable. He figured he should probably cross out Pangzi’s name now. The only thing stopping him was how the man had seemed so insecure about being left out. He would let Pangzi decide if there was anything in the binder that he might like. Another binder was called ‘Intimacy’. There he put anything that wasn’t solely sexual, that he only wanted to do with Wu Xie and Pangzi. Things like cuddling (only for short periods of time) and hand-holding. Then there was the third binder for everything else. A lot of this binder was full of handwritten things he thought of, as there was no internet list for, ‘Would you do to save an acquaintance's life?’ and actions such as ‘Give blood’, or ‘Be bait’.
Before going downstairs, he powered on his computer and quickly found a spreadsheet he had stumbled across in the past. It was meant to help guide and set boundaries in an asexual/sexual relationship. He printed out three copies, thinking Pangzi might find it helpful if they all filled it in and it wasn’t just him. He, of course, had already filled his own copy, but it wouldn’t hurt to fill it out again. He had at one point wondered if he was asexual, and had spend quite a bit of time researching. He ultimately decided he was just very picky with who he was attracted to. The fact he didn’t trust easily killed off most attraction. He thought about also printing off a list geared towards all types of sexual acts. In the end he decided the four-page list he currently had was probably intimidating enough. Plus, he worried what Pangzi would think. The vulnerability and fear in the man’s watery eyes when he thought Xiaoge and Wu Xie would leave him was an image he wouldn’t soon forget. He remembered being alone. So he gathered the newly printed pages and his box, and went back to the living room.
He thought his friends maybe weren’t expecting it to be so thorough when he had said that they needed to fill out what he called ‘consent lists’.
Wu Xie’s mouth dropped open when Xiaoge silently pulled out the first binder, then fell further as he pulled out the second, and then the third. Wu Xie reached for the ‘Sex’ one, eyes wide, and Xiaoge pulled it out of his reach. He wasn’t ready for anyone to read it yet. Even Wu Xie. So instead he pulled out the copies he had printed and handed Wu Xie his four pages, then also gave Pangzi his copy.
Wu Xie eagerly started reading, making happy exclamations and then scrunching up his face in confusion. Pangzi just gripped the papers tightly enough to crinkle them. Xiaoge wondered if this would do more harm than good. It had seemed like such a great idea at first. “Fill it out,” he said, handing them pencils. “Then we’ll share.” That thought scared him, to be so vulnerable. He figured it would help that they’d be just as exposed. The sheets had instructions at the top to assign everything a number on a sliding scale. It also stated to write in any clarifying details if wanted.
He started filling in his own copy. It was pretty easy as he remembered most of the answers he had put down in the past, and, for the most part, still felt the same about them. He looked up when he was halfway through to the sound of lead snapping. Pangzi looked about to cry again. Xiaoge didn’t know what to do. What if Pangzi didn’t want anything on the list? How would this relationship work? These two people meant the most to him in this world. “You don’t have to like anything,” he finally said. “If you just want friendship, I won’t leave you.” He wasn’t sure why a vulnerable Pangzi made the words flow out of him in a way they often didn’t. Maybe it was the fact that Pangzi went so quiet.
“I… I want more,” Pangzi said quietly. Xiaoge handed him his own pencil, and gently took Pangzi’s broken one. Xiaoge glanced over at Wu Xie, who had been uncharacteristically silent. He was writing angrily, pencil moving in sharp, bold lines down the page. Xiaoge glimpsed Wu Xie’s answer to “Having sex with my partner,” which was a dark bold capital ‘NO’—he had forgotten a number. Xiaoge realized this was a mistake. Wu Xie had enjoyed sex, until he had realized Pangzi hadn’t enjoyed himself. Now Wu Xie was apparently filling out his sheet with what he thought Pangzi wanted to see.
Xiaoge thought about saying something. Ultimately he decided not to; these sheets were personal and there was no right way to fill them out. Maybe Wu Xie wasn’t ready anymore and would need time. He took out his knife and sharpened the broken pencil and quickly finished. When he was done, he sat back, watching them. They were all still on the floor. They both appeared to finish at the same time and looked toward him.
“Right, now we go down the list and give our answers. Discuss any details we want.” His throat was getting scratchy from being used so much. Wu Xie nodded enthusiastically. Pangzi shrugged, hunching his shoulders forward as if he wished to be anywhere else. “So, non-mouth kissing. I gave it a five,” Xiaoge started. Five was the top of the scale, an enthusiastic yes.
Wu Xie smiled widely and said, “Yes.” He looked like he was about to get up and kiss Xiaoge on the spot, his head leaning towards Xiaoge.
Pangzi looked between them, clearly reading the mood, and got up abruptly. “I’m hungry. You two go on without me.” He left his sheets behind. Xiaoge could see he had written a lot, but didn’t look closely to see what he had written, not wanting to violate Pangzi’s trust.
“That’s not how it’s supposed to work!” Wu Xie shouted at his back. This was a disaster. Xiaoge silently picked up his own sheets and Pangzi’s and followed him to the kitchen, Wu Xie trailing behind him.
“Pangzi,” he said, hoping all his concern and love and care showed in that one word.
Pangzi got vegetables from the fridge and carried them to the counter. “I don’t want to disappoint you,” he said to an onion, smelling it.
Xiaoge looked at Wu Xie, hoping he would have the words to fix this.
“Pangzi, I understand there are things I want that you do not. I think knowing what you don’t want will help. I don’t ever want to do something you don’t want again. It felt like crap,” he moved next to Pangzi at the cutting board. Pangzi handed him a carrot and a knife and Wu Xie started chopping slowly. “I want to do things with you that we both like. I think Xiaoge’s idea will get us there, with a lot less trial and error. Trial and error sucks.”
Pangzi started chopping his onion methodically. Xiaoge knew he could be efficient and lightning quick with a knife, so he must be doing it as a distraction, rather than actually wanting to eat anytime soon. Xiaoge joined Pangzi on his other side, leaning his back against the counter, content to watch the other two cook, and put Pangzi’s sheets in front of him.
“Maybe three,” Pangzi said, answering the earlier question about non-mouth kissing with a number in the middle of the scale to indicate neutrality. “It’s okay if it’s dry.”
Wu Xie beamed up at Pangzi happily and bumped his hip gently. “Thank you. I appreciate you trusting us with this.”
Maybe they just needed the distraction of cooking. Xiaoge felt content as they went down the rest of the list. When Wu Xie gave ‘Hand holding’ a two indicating he would rather not do it and Xiaoge gave it a neutral three, Pangzi’s shoulders had finally lowered in relaxation. Xiaoge guessed that the knowledge that Pangzi wasn’t the only one not okay with some actions, helped.
Then they got to ‘Having sex with my partner’. Wu Xie just said, as if it should be completely expected, “No.”
“Don’t lie, I know you liked it!” Pangzi shouted, slamming the knife into the cutting board, then letting the knife go and backing up a step, as if he couldn’t trust himself with it.
“Not after! I hurt you. It was the worst. I never want to again,” Wu Xie finished with a soft mumble. He didn’t look up, his carrot turning to mince as he kept chopping it smaller and smaller.
“It’s okay not to want sex anymore, Wu Xie,” Xiaoge spoke up. “Or if you do, but you need time. If you ever decide it’s something you want to explore, I am interested. For now, we won’t.” He left it at that.
“I shouldn’t have yelled. I feel guilty for turning something you enjoyed into this, and angry I can’t change that,” Pangzi said sincerely, turning to Wu Xie.
“Hug?” Wu Xie asked, clearly wanting physical comfort.
Pangzi obliged, and when Wu Xie looked over to Xiaoge in question, he joined in too, wrapping both his arms around the outside of them. They both smelled a little sweaty, a familiar and comforting smell.
He let go when he had enough; the other two stayed together for a couple more minutes.
They weren’t there yet—still just three best friends feeling out what they wanted out of a relationship. Xiaoge now felt confident that they would figure this out. They were the Iron Triangle, after all.