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I.
The house is already fully engulfed in flames by the time they get there, so they know right away that they don’t have a lot of time. There’s a woman on the sidewalk screaming in the June heat. Her kid is in the house. It’s not the kind of scene you want to pull up to. Buck sighs as he hops out of the truck.
“Buckley, Wilson, I want you two clearing the house, as fast as you can,” Interim Captain Han orders, surprisingly calm for the situation they’ve found themselves in. “I’ll stay out here and get medical ready.”
“Ma’am, what’s your child’s name?” Hen asks the woman.
“Tyler,” she says. “My son’s name is Tyler. He’s twelve.”
Buck and Hen take off into the house, yelling for Tyler. Anxiety twists in Buck’s gut at the thought of a young boy trapped in a burning house. It feels too familiar, too close to home, and he knows the sound of the woman screaming outside won’t stop ringing in his ears until he’s at Eddie’s again, and can see Christopher with his own two eyes.
“Tyler! Tyler! LAFD!”
He and Hen take turns calling out, moving as fast as they can, until they find the boy in what was at one point a bathroom, wheezing heavily and coughing, but somehow still conscious.
Buck scoops him up just in time for their radios to crackle. “Get out of there, now. It’s coming down!”
Buck tightens his grip on the boy and jogs through the house, followed by Hen, who stops abruptly when she hears a bark.
“A dog?”
Buck shakes his head. “It doesn’t matter, we have to keep going.”
Hen nods, but scans the living room anyway on her way out, looking for the dog. Of course, she catches sight of it behind the burning couch. She’s out a full 30 seconds after Buck, just in time for the house to collapse. The dog jumps from her arms and heads for the mother—who is much calmer now that her son is safe. Buck smiles to himself, watching the family reunite.
“You okay?” Hen asks.
“I think I should be asking you that,” Buck laughs. “You’re the one who went back for the dog.”
“Yeah…” she shakes her head. “That’s usually your move, isn’t it?”
Buck shrugs. “Just following Cap’s orders.”
Hen looks like she’s about to say something else when Chimney calls her over, and the moment is gone. She rides to the hospital with Chim and the boy, and Buck and the rest of the crew stay behind to actually put out the fire, and for a couple hours he thinks maybe she’s forgotten the whole thing.
But, of course, she hasn’t. She waits until it’s late at night, when the rest of the team is trying to sleep—sleep has been evading him since the shooting, and Hen usually forgoes sleep in favor of homework. Buck is reading a book on ancient Egypt (Christopher’s latest interest) when she sits down next to him on the couch.
“So, are we gonna talk about it?”
He plays dumb. “Talk about what?”
She levels him with a look that says she’s not in the mood for any bullshit. “I’m talking about that call earlier.”
He sighs and sets down his book. He’s not getting out of this.
“Since when do you not go back for the dog?” Her tone is soft, concerned even. Ironic, considering this is usually the reaction he gets when he doesn’t follow orders.
“I just…I can’t be that guy anymore,” he says, simply.
“What, the dumb and heroic guy?”
She’s teasing, but he answers seriously anyways. “Emphasis on dumb.”
“You’re not dumb, Buck—“
“I am when I’m needlessly putting myself in danger,” he cuts her off. “You have a family, you must understand how important it is that you come home to them, right?”
“Of course,” Hen frowns. “I didn’t realize you and Taylor were so serious about each other.”
“What?! No, no,” Buck shakes his head a little too vigorously. “No, I meant Eddie and Christopher.”
If that surprises Hen, she doesn’t show it. “Is this about what happened to Eddie?”
“No.” Buck bites his lip, unsure if she should tell her. He strongly doubts Eddie has told anyone except maybe Bobby. But it’s late, and he hasn’t even told Maddie because she’s struggling enough without his crap to deal with, and he knows if he doesn’t tell someone eventually, he’s going to explode. “Well, not entirely. After, uh. After Eddie was shot, he told me that it’s in his will that if-if something happens to him…”
“You get Christopher.” It’s not a question.
“You knew?” Buck is incredulous.
“Eddie didn’t tell me,” Hen rolls her eyes. “But I’m not surprised. You did drop everything and move into his house when he was in the hospital, and you’re still spending more nights there than in your loft—don’t deny it.”
“I—Yeah.” Buck sighs.
“So you not going after the dog today was you wanting to make sure you go home to them?” She asks. “And you don’t think you’re being a little extreme?”
“Hen…” He swallows. “Eddie looked me in the face and told me that I’m not expendable, that he—that they need me. Am I not supposed to take that seriously?”
Hen is quiet for a long moment, digesting this. Buck doesn’t blame her for needing a minute, he still hasn’t fully wrapped his brain around it, and he’s had weeks. When she finally speaks, it’s a question. “Is he still dating Ana?”
Buck snorts. “Define dating. I’m pretty sure they haven’t spoken in the last two weeks, save for a few texts.”
“But they haven’t broken up?” She raises an eyebrow. “Why is he stringing her along?”
“Stringing her along?” It’s not that it’s not a fair question, it’s blatantly obvious that Eddie isn’t very invested in his relationship. But a part of him still feels the need to defend Eddie. He’s not doing anything wrong. “He’s just focused on his recovery.”
“The recovery you ’ve been helping him with.”
He knows what Hen is getting at, and he wants to argue, explain that he has Taylor now, and that he and Eddie aren’t like that, that Eddie and Ana just aren’t serious enough yet for him to want her to be the one helping out, but he knows that Hen would see right through it. (He’s pretty sure she thinks he’s oblivious, but he’s not, not really. He knows how it sounds, how it always sounds.) So he just sighs and nods.
“Yeah, the recovery I’m helping him with.”
II.
Bobby comes back to work at the beginning of August, and Buck breathes a sigh of relief. Not because he doesn’t like Interim Captain Han--in all honesty, Chimney did a good job this time around, especially when he decided to let Buck handle all the cooking--but because it finally feels like things are starting to get somewhat back to normal. Not normal enough, of course, without Eddie there. But more normal than the past couple of months. These are the thoughts that swirl in his head when they arrive on scene in Angeles National Forest. It’s hot--of course it is, it’s Los Angeles in August--the summer sun beating down on all of them. They’re looking for a lost hiker. A teenage girl, who slid down the side of a cliff while out with her older sister. Her sister, twenty years old and home from college for the summer, called 911 and guided them to the spot where her sister fell, but the hill was too steep and long to search on foot, so they called in a helicopter.
“Alright,” Bobby says. “Dispatch says the chopper is only a few minutes out. Who wants to harness up?”
Hen and Chimney glance at Buck.
“Why me?”
“You don’t want to do it?” Bobby asks, surprised.
“What if she needs medical attention? I think Chimney should do it.” Buck doesn’t mean to throw Chim under the bus, but it just makes more sense for it to be him. “I can help Hen prep the ambulance.”
Hen gives him a knowing nod, but Chimney raises an eyebrow. “Didn’t you complain last time we did a helicopter rescue and you didn’t get to do it?”
Buck shrugs. “Things change, Chim. I’m good here.”
Buck can feel Bobby’s eyes on him, and he wonders if Bobby knows. Eddie goes to Bobby for advice sometimes, maybe he did this time, too. Maybe Eddie legally had to tell Bobby, Either way, there’s something in Bobby’s stare that feels like understanding.
“Alright,” he finally says. “Chim, you go up.”
Hen and Buck wait on the ground, readying the ambulance like Buck suggested. “You know--”
“Please don’t,” Buck shook his head. “I know.”
“I was just going to say, Chimney has a family to make it home to as well,” Hen continues, prepping an IV bag. “Your sister and your niece.”
“I know,” Buck sighs. “It’s not that I think something will happen. It’s more that I don’t want to do anything I don’t need to do. I could’ve taken Chim’s place, but it will be better for that girl if someone with paramedic training finds her. Me taking Chim’s place wouldn’t have been about doing my job, it would’ve been showing off.”
He doesn’t notice Bobby’s footsteps behind him, but he does notice the way Hen’s eyebrows raise. “That’s very mature of you,” she says.
“Buck,” Bobby says gently.
He turns to face his captain, his father figure. “Yeah, Cap?” Bobby nods, jutting his chin out towards the other side of the truck, and Buck takes that as a cue to follow.
“I take it Eddie told you about his will.” Bobby says as soon as they’re out of earshot of Hen, his voice warm, thick with emotion, for reasons that are beyond Buck.
“You knew?”
Bobby nods. “He told me about it after that train crash.”
Buck remembers that night, how inexplicably angry Eddie was. “Oh.”
“For what it’s worth,” Bobby continues. “I think he made the right decision.”
Buck blinks. It’s worth quite a lot. “You do?”
“I do,” he smiles. “I know you’d do anything for him, for Christopher. And Eddie knows it, too. And now that you know, you’re proving it.”
Buck doesn’t know what to say to that, doesn’t want to get emotional in the middle of a call. So instead he asks. “Did you split us up on purpose on calls?”
“You noticed.” Bobby shrugs. “Best way to ensure one of you comes home, right?”
Buck lets that soak in for a moment. Bobby doesn’t just know , he’s been making choices in response to that information. “Do you think I made the right call today?”
“I do.” Bobby’s voice is warm again. “I’m proud of you, Buck.”
And, fuck. So much for not getting emotional in the middle of a call. Buck can feel his eyes well with tears and doesn’t trust that if he opens his mouth anything coherent will come out, so he just throws his arms around Bobby. He allows himself a moment in Bobby’s arms, relishing the feeling, the knowing , that Bobby loves him. He pulls back and wipes his face and attempts to swallow any last bit of emotion. He knows he fails.
“Uh, thanks.” He manages, finally.
Bobby lets him go back to Hen with a smile and a nod. He walks back to find Hen leaning against the ambulance.
“So what was that about?” Hen asks.
Buck shrugs. “Nothing. Did you finish prepping the ambo?”
“Yes,” she answers quickly. “Are you crying?”
“Wh-No,” Buck stammers. “It’s sweat. Since it’s so hot.”
“Right.” Hen shakes her head, and takes the cue not to press. “So, any big plans for tomorrow?”
He’s grateful for the subject change. “We’re taking Christopher to the beach.” Buck can’t help but smile at the thought. “He’s so excited about it, which is great because
he used to be afraid of the beach, y’know, after the tsunami.”
“That’s nice.”
“Yeah. I know Eddie is looking forward to getting out of the house.”
“Is Ana coming along as well?” Hen asks casually.
“Ah, no,” Buck shakes his head, suddenly feeling very awkward. “They broke up.”
“Oh.” She pulls a breath in through her teeth. “You going to see Taylor?”
“Nah, she’s working.” Buck frowns slightly. He and Taylor are almost never free at the same time. Then again, even if she was free, he knows he’d rather spend the day at the beach with the Diazes. “Besides, Eddie couldn’t handle a beach day on his own. His range of motion is still pretty limited.”
Hen gives him an indecipherable look. She opens her mouth, probably to ask why Buck is even still with Taylor when they hardly have time to see each other, but she’s interrupted by the beating of helicopter wings. He’s glad.
He doesn’t have an answer.
III.
Buck wakes up that morning with the overwhelming feeling that he wants to throw himself off the nearest cliff. The sun is shining through his loft, the birds are singing, Los Angeles has a spring in its collective step. Buck groans and pulls the covers over his head. He knows he has to get up soon and get ready for his shift, but all he wants to do is burrow into his blankets and never leave. He broke up with Taylor the night before, and he should probably be sad about that, but he’s not. He knew it was coming, and ultimately he’s the one who said the words, who ended it. Not her. He felt good about it last night, but then he woke up alone in the harsh light of day.
Maybe it’s time to face the facts. He’s never going to find the love he so desperately craves.
He reluctantly pulls himself into a sitting position and runs a hand down his face, trying to shake off his restless night. He downs some coffee, throws on some clothes, and rushes into work. Hen and Albert are playing video games when he arrives--and that’s something new, Albert working with them. Buck’s never really trained a probie before, but with Eddie still gone, he’s shouldering quite a bit of the responsibility. He sort of likes it. He especially likes calling Albert “Probie'' as often and as annoyingly as possible.
“Hey, Probie!” He calls. “Don’t you have chores to do?”
“C’mon, man,” Albert looks up from the screen and Hen uses his momentary distraction to kill him and win the round. His eyes snap back to the game. “No fair!”
“Toughen up, Probie,” she quips.
“Free to do those chores now?” Buck asks. Albert opens his mouth, probably to say something about not wanting to do chores, but he’s cut off before he speaks by the bell, signaling the first call of the day. He grins and dashes for the pole. “This conversation isn’t over!” Buck calls before following him down.
The universe has a cruel sense of humor, so they’re called to a sheer sandstone cliffside near the beach. There’s a college student at the bottom, leg broken and bent unnaturally, sand stained red beneath him. He made the mistake of walking too close to the edge of the cliff, ignoring the multiple signs warning him that the sandstone was unstable, and it crumbled under his weight.
“Is it safe for us to repel down?” Buck asks, eyeing the signs. There’s a monster in the back of Buck’s mind that hopes it’s not. It’s the same voice in his head that told him to climb to the very top of the tree in front of his parents’ house when he was twelve, the same voice that told him to break traffic laws on his motorcycle when he was twenty, the same voice that told him to call Taylor that morning and beg her to take him back.
For once, he wants to ignore it. To shove it down and away, to drown it out and focus on Eddie’s voice instead. You are not expendable.
“It’s definitely risky,” Bobby confirms. “But as long as only one person goes down, and we’re very careful with the line, it should be fine.”
Buck nods, and turns to Albert. “How ‘bout it, Probie?”
Albert’s eyes widen. Next to him, Chimney grins, and claps him on the shoulder. “I think that’s a great idea, Buckaroo.”
“Why am I feeling ganged up on?” Albert whines, but he takes the harness that Bobby hands him anyway. “This is so unfair.”
Buck and Chimney hold the line and lower Albert down to the ground to assess the patient. Barely any time passes before he radios for the basket. “Looks like a broken leg, and a concussion, no spinal damage, but definitely some bruised ribs, possibly some internal hemorrhaging.”
Chimney is beaming with pride over his little brother as they lower the basket. “He’s doing great, isn’t he?”
“Oh yeah,” Buck agrees easily. “He’s a natural. Saving people must run in the Han blood.”
“It’s in the Buckley blood, too.” He smirks. “Jee-Yun is totally screwed.”
Buck snorts. “Oh yeah, absolutely.”
Chim’s smile wavers. “Is it selfish of me to hope she does something safer with her life?”
“She’s your kid,” Buck says. “Of course you want her to be safe. That’s what we all want for our kids.”
“Yeah, you’re ri--” Chimney freezes. “What did you just say?”
Fuck. Shit. “Uh, I said, that’s what we all want for our kids?”
“You don’t have any kids.” He looks at Buck like Buck’s an idiot--which he is, for letting that one slip out.
“I know, I know, but I do have a lot of, y’know, kids in my life that I love a lot, and uh, so I was thinking about them, y’know?” Buck stammers, trying to play it off.
“Uh-huh.” Chimney is, predictably, very skeptical. “This wouldn’t have anything to do with why you’ve been so careful lately, has it?”
“Wh--What do you mean?” He can’t tell Chimney, if Chimney knows, the whole station will know, and then Eddie will come back to work as the center of gossip, even more so than he already will be, and Eddie hates gossip, and he’ll be mad and--
“Buck!” Chimney snaps his fingers in front of Buck’s face. “Where’d you go, man?”
“Look, I’m going to tell you something, and you have to promise me you won’t go gossiping about it, okay?” Buck narrows his eyes at Chimney. “Hen and Bobby already know, so they’re fair game. And I won’t ask you to keep things from Maddie. But that’s it.”
“That seems fair,” Chimney agrees.
“If anything happens to Eddie, uh…” Buck swallows, self-consciously. “I get custody of Christopher. It’s in his will.”
He grins. “I knew you meant Chris! The way you talk about that kid?. It’s not how most people talk about their best friend’s kid.”
Buck sighs, because yeah. He’s not exactly subtle with how much he loves Christopher. He’s not trying to be. He just hopes it’s as obvious to Christopher himself as it is to everyone else.
“So, you and Eddie, then?” Chimney prods. “Are you guys…?”
“No, we’re just, y’know. Best friends.” Buck bites his lip, and then, before he can stop himself he blurts out, “I broke up with Taylor last night.”
“Because of Eddie?” Chimney asks.
Buck could lie, but he’s the one who stupidly brought the breakup into this conversation in the first place, so it would be pretty obvious that he was backtracking. So, he steels himself. “Maybe partially. But mostly because I wasn’t invested in the relationship the way I should’ve been.”
“Makes sense.” Chim sucks in a breath. “For what it’s worth, I think you and Eddie have always been a great team.”
Buck doesn’t have time to ask what the hell that means because Albert’s voice crackles over the radio. The patient is secure and he’s ready to be pulled back up.
IV.
Eddie comes back in the middle of September. They’re both nervous, but they’ve also both gone through it all in therapy enough to feel ready, even if Buck asked Eddie to wear his uniform at home a couple times before his first day, knowing that seeing him in uniform for the first time would likely be triggering. Eddie spends most of the day on edge, looking over his shoulder, and Buck wishes he could do something to help, but he knows he can’t. So he offers an arm bump as they walk up the stairs and presses his knee against Eddie’s in the truck, and hopes it’s enough, hopes that Eddie hears him when says I’m here and I got you without any words.
Luckily, most of their calls are easy. A handful of basic medical calls, and one small restaurant fire. There’s a big chunk of down time in the afternoon, during which time Buck and Eddie sit in the bunkroom, squished together on Buck’s cot, talking quietly.
“How are you doing?” Eddie asks.
“How am I doing?” Buck scoffs. “It’s your first day back.”
“Yeah, I know,” Eddie rolls his eyes. “But I can tell you’re stressed, too.”
“You shouldn’t have to worry about--”
“I swear to God, Buck,” Eddie interrupts. “When will you get it through that thick skull of yours that I lo--care about you? I’m always gonna worry.”
Buck’s chest aches. “Well, I’m always gonna worry about you, too.”
They stare at each other for a moment too long, and for a split second Buck thinks Eddie might kiss him. He doesn’t, of course. He shakes his head and redirects his gaze over Buck’s shoulder and Buck sighs. He was imagining it, he’s sure.
“We’re both okay right now though,” Eddie says finally. “Right?”
“Yeah,” Buck manages hesitantly. “I think so.”
It’s enough for Eddie. Or, almost enough. “You should come over after shift. Crash on my couch. Pick Christopher up from school with me.”
“Sounds great.” Buck hopes his voice doesn’t betray just how great it sounds to him, how relieved he is that Eddie offered, saving him from having to ask. Though, looking at Eddie’s warm brown eyes, he thinks Eddie might already know.
“So, Bobby told me you’ve been more careful lately,” Eddie says, changing the subject. “I appreciate that.”
“Well, y’know,” Buck nudges him, smiling. “Someone told me that I’m not expendable.”
He returns Buck’s smile, except on him it looks so soft and warm, so inexplicably fond. “Oh, well, whoever told you that sure knows what they’re talking about.”
Buck wants to say something else, anything else, but the words die under Eddie’s affectionate gaze, and before he can pull himself out of it, Albert pokes his head into the bunkroom to inform them that it’s time for dinner.
It’s later, much later, in the middle of the night, when they’re called to the industrial fire. The smoke smells acrid and kind of disgusting when they pull up in the ladder truck, and Buck feels his stomach twist with nerves. He glances at Eddie as he steps off the truck, to find Eddie is already looking at him.
“There’s about a dozen people still inside. Buck, Eddie, you take the West side of the building,” Bobby orders. “Chim, Albert, you take the East side.”
Buck swallows hard, fighting through every instinct in his body that wants to be partnered up with Eddie at all times. “Actually, Cap. I was thinking I could go with Albert?”
Bobby sighs. “Buck, I know you and Eddie have your...arrangement, and you know I've been respecting it, but I want you two together on this. You work best as partners.”
“I know, but--”
Eddie puts a gentle hand on Buck’s shoulder. “It’s okay, Buck. We’ll have each other’s backs.”
Buck sighs, and acquiesces. “Fine.”
They move quickly and carefully once they’re inside. They call out through their masks, and strain to hear if anyone calls back. They hear nothing. Eventually they come across two bodies. Eddie takes their pulse, shakes his head.
“We got two black tags, Cap.”
“Copy that.”
They continue for a few more yards, until the building begins to shake and groan around them. Buck stops first. “We should turn back.”
“What?”
“This building is going to come down soon,” Buck explains. “I don’t want either of us to be in it when it does.”
Eddie’s response is cut off by Bobby’s voice on their radios, saying approximately what Buck just said, so instead Eddie responds to the radio. “Copy that, Cap. We’re coming out.”
They make it out just in time. Chimney and Albert found some survivors, but they leave more people inside the fire than they save, and the weight of it is heavy on all of them. As soon as they’re back to the station, Buck is in the shower, attempting to scrub off the feeling, and then he’s in the bunkroom, staring at the ceiling, pretending to sleep.
He should’ve done more, he should’ve kept going, he shouldn’t have left--
“Buck.” Eddie’s whisper cuts through his thoughts. “Are you awake?”
“Yeah,” Buck sits up, and peers through the dark to see Eddie sitting awake on his own bunk. “What’s up?”
“I just wanted to say thank you.” If Buck could see Eddie’s face, he would know that Eddie is looking at him with the same fondness from earlier.
“For what?” Buck asks, earnestly.
“You remember the last industrial fire we were called to?” Eddie sighs. “The hand sanitizer factory?”
“Yeah…” Of course Buck remembers. He remembers almost giving up, almost letting the flames consume him, and the man he was trying to save.
“You stayed in that fire until the last person was out, and you...when we saw the building explode…” Eddie sighs again, frustrated, like it’s hard for him to get the words out. “It scared me. And when we pulled up tonight I thought maybe we were going to have a repeat of that. But we didn’t. So, thank you for not...for not treating yourself like an afterthought. Thank you for not getting hurt today.”
“Oh.” Buck feels the familiar warmth that always blooms inside his chest when Eddie says something like that. “You’re welcome.”
Maybe just keeping himself alive is enough, after all.
V.
Buck knows it’s going to be a bad shift before it even starts. The rain is coming down in sheets and he sees two accidents on his drive to work. It’s the first rainstorm of the season--if you could even call the meager amount of rain Southern California gets between November and February a rainy season--and as always, it’s pandemonium. Noone here knows how to drive in the rain, but only half the people on the road are aware that they don’t know what they’re doing. The rest are cocky and stupid. Either way, rain in the Southland always means car accidents.
But it’s worse than that, because this is the first time it’s rained in months, and it’s a heavy storm, which means all that dry, dusty earth is going to get caught up in the torrents of water and turn into mud. It’s only a matter of time before they get called to the site of a mudslide. Buck knows it, and so does everyone else on the team. They’re all on edge, waiting for the call, which eventually comes in around 6 PM. Right at dusk. Of course.
“Hey,” Eddie says as they walk towards the ladder truck. “At least it won’t be as bad as the slides from the dam breaking last year.”
Buck rolls his eyes, gives him a light shove. “Okay, Mr. At Least It’s Not A Tsunami.”
“What?” Eddie puts his hands up, ever so innocently. “I’m just trying to break the tension a little bit.”
“I know.” Buck smiles as he hops up into the ladder truck. “And I do appreciate it, even if your sense of humor could stand to be a little less dark.”
“Would you prefer I read from Christopher’s Big Book of Jokes For Kids?” Eddie asks, eyes shining as he follows Buck into the truck.
“You know, I think I would,” Buck says.
“Hey,” Chimney cuts in. “Dad jokes are my thing.”
“You can’t just claim a monopoly on corny jokes,” Hen argues. “Eddie is a dad, too. He has just as much a right to ruin our day with puns as you do.”
“Thanks?” Eddie chuckles. “I think?”
“Well, then,” Albert says. “Tell us the joke.”
Eddie grins mischievously. “What do you call a dinosaur who crashes her car?”
“I don’t know.” Buck does know, he heard this joke from Christopher a week before. He doesn’t care. He wants to hear Eddie say it. “What?”
“Tyrannosaurus Wrecks!”
Everyone groans, Eddie looks delighted.
“Awful,” Hen shakes her head. “Just awful.”
“How is it that even your dad jokes are a little bit dark?” Chim asks, smiling in spite of himself.
Eddie just shrugs, the grin never leaving his face.
“Alright, my turn.” Buck decides. “How do you make an Octopus laugh?”
“How?” Albert cocks his head to the side, seeming to genuinely be considering the question.
Buck turns to Eddie with a wide grin. “You give him ten tickles!” He jumps on Eddie then, shoving his hands under his turnout coat to tickle his sides. Eddie squirms, bites the inside of his cheek to keep from giggling.
“B-uck! Stop!” He finally manages.
Buck pulls away, pleased with himself. “You being ticklish might be the best thing I ever learned about you.”
Eddie glowers at him. “I hate you so much right now.”
“I don’t think you do.”
Their eyes meet for a moment, and Buck’s breath catches in his throat when he sees the fondness in Eddie’s gaze. Every fiber in his being is suddenly vibrating, begging him to reach out and pull Eddie in, to touch him, to hold him, to kiss him. He thinks Eddie might be thinking the same, but he’ll never know because before either of them can say anything, the truck is lurching to a stop. They’re on scene.
The scene is a mess. It’s dark and wet and muddy, and quite frankly dangerous. They’re somewhere on a hiking trail, looking for the person who called 9-1-1. They told dispatch they were stuck in the dark, so the team figures the mudslide pushed the hiker into a small cave. Lucky for them, they’re not in the actual wilderness, so much as just a county park, and dispatch is able to ping GPS off the hiker’s phone. They find the cave pretty quickly all things considered.
Which is, predictably, when things start to go sideways.
The ground is too soft from the rain to secure a rope line, meaning whoever goes down won’t be properly harnessed, and will have to pull the victim out all on their own. It’s a risky move, but it’s the only one they’ve got. Buck glances at Albert, who is looking a little nervous, and then at Chimney, who is looking a little too stoic. He knows Chimney worries about Albert, knows how scared he is to lose another brother. He so desperately wants to save Chimney from that fear, to be the one to go down into the cave.
But then he looks at Eddie, sees the pleading in his eyes, and he can’t. He just can’t.
“Albert, you good to do this?” He asks.
Albert nods. “Yes, I think so.” He’s hesitant, of course he is. He’s still a probie, after all.
Chimney puts a hand on his brother’s shoulder. “Be careful, please .”
“I will.” Albert says firmly, knowingly, before turning to Bobby. “I’m ready.”
At first, it seems okay. Albert crawls slowly through the cave, and radios after about five minutes to say he found the patient, and again a bit later to say they’re stable. And then there’s another goddamn mudslide. This one is smaller than the first, but it’s enough to push Albert and the patient further into the cave, it’s enough for them to lose contact with Albert.
Chimney flips. “Cap, you gotta let me go in.”
“We have to be patient, Chim.” Bobby says, keeping his voice level. “I’m sure Albert just needs a minute. There’s no reason to put yourself in danger just yet.”
Chimney sighs, and nods, but his brow is still creased with worry. It doesn’t smooth out for another fifteen minutes, until Albert comes crawling out of the cave, covered in mud, patient in tow, radio completely water logged.
Hen assesses the patient, allowing Chimney to check on his brother. Albert is a little bruised, and his ankle is swollen, but other than that he seems fine, much to everyone’s relief. Buck tries to swallow the guilt that’s already building inside him.
It should’ve been me.
Chimney decides that Albert should get checked out in the hospital, so it’s just Buck, Eddie, and Bobby riding back to the station in the truck. Buck is quiet the entire time, unable to ignore the guilt eating away at him. He knows Albert is fine, but what if he wasn’t? What if Chimney lost another brother? All because Buck was trying to be careful, to keep himself safe. But doesn’t Albert deserve to be safe? Shame swirls around in his mind, not letting up even once they’re back to the station.
Eddie finds him in the gym, wailing on the punching bag, lost in his head.
“Albert and Chimney both knew going into this that it would be difficult,” Eddie tries. “That it would be especially hard for Chim to see Albert in danger.”
“I know.”
“But Albert joined the department anyway,” Eddie continues. “And Chim accepted that, and the risks that come with it. Albert was doing his job.”
“I know.” Buck doesn’t know what else to say. He knows all this. It still doesn’t satisfy the guilt he’s feeling.
“You know,” Eddie finally says. “You’re Chimney’s brother, too.”
The earthquake hits two weeks later, a few days after Thanksgiving. Albert is still out on medical leave for the sprained ankle he sustained during the mudslide incident. According to Chimney, he’s very eager to come back to work. Buck thinks he might be less eager today. It’s not as bad as the 7.1 quake from three years ago, but it’s bad enough.
They’re called to a collapsing apartment building.
“Deja Vu, huh?” Eddie asks, as they move carefully through the second floor of the building, looking for survivors, and black tagging those who didn’t survive.
Buck snorts. “Yeah, kinda.”
Eddie smirks. “Maybe you’ll meet another pretty bottle blonde.”
Buck wants to say, “ she’ll be disappointed” but what he says instead is: “Yeah, maybe.”
They keep chatting as they walk, trying to pretend like everything is normal, even though they both know it’s not. They focus on Christmas plans and what Christopher wants from Santa this year, instead of voicing the worry that’s gnawing at both of them. They have to stay focused on the job at hand, they can’t succumb to their fears. Christopher is safe at school.
Buck is a few steps up on the staircase, Eddie close behind, moving to the third floor, when the aftershock hits. The stairs underfoot disappear, and he reacts on pure instinct, pushing Eddie back with all his might, praying it’s enough to get Eddie back to more solid ground. But Eddie reacts himself, refusing to release his grip on Buck’s arms, leaving Eddie flat on his stomach and Buck dangling over the chasm that replaced the stairs.
“Eddie, you’ve gotta let me go,” he says hoarsely.
“The hell I do!”
“Your shoulder’s not strong enough,” Buck shakes his head. “You won’t be able to pull me up in time.”
Eddie grits his teeth. “I’m not leaving you.”
“The building isn’t stable,” Buck argues. “You have to get out of here before the next aftershock hits. You have to make it home to Christopher.”
“So do you,” Eddie says, voice breaking. But Buck can already feel himself slipping out of Eddie’s grip. “Buck, please."
Buck doesn’t know how far he falls, but he hits the ground with a sickening crack. Pain explodes across his torso, chest, and back. He can barely breathe for the pressure on his chest, and he wonders if something landed on top of him, but he doesn’t dare move, just in case there’s spinal damage. He tries to wiggle his toes, and it feels like he’s doing it, but he can’t look to be sure, and he doesn’t want to risk it.
He doesn’t even reach for his radio when he hears Eddie’s panicked voice crackling through it.
He’s not sure how long it takes before Eddie finds him--time moves differently when your body is in shock--but eventually Eddie is there, cursing at him for being such a self-sacrificial idiot. Buck is inclined to agree.
“Ed--Eddie,” Buck says when Eddie finally stops for breath. It’s surprisingly difficult. “You okay?”
“I’m fine,” Eddie rolls his eyes. “You’re not, though.” He begins his assessment with a pen light in Buck’s eyes, and after determining that Buck’s helmet saved him from a concussion he moves on to check his blood pressure and breathing, and finally checks for spinal damage, sighing in relief when there is none. Eventually he sits back and sighs. “You broke some ribs, and you’ve got a punctured lung, and you’re bleeding internally.”
“That...explains...why it’s hard...to breathe.” Buck manages.
“Don’t be cute,” Eddie glares at him.
“‘m always cute.”
Eddie runs an exasperated hand through his hair before picking up his radio. “Buck’s hurt, Cap. I’m gonna need a basket to move him.”
“Copy, Hen and Chim are coming your way. Sit tight.”
“Copy that.” Eddie drops his radio and sighs. “Looks like we’re waiting awhile.”
Buck feels a surge of panic. “You gotta leave, Eddie. Not safe.”
Eddie crosses his arms. “I already told you, we’re not leaving you here.”
Buck frowns. “sorry.”
“Sorry that we have to wait, or sorry that you got hurt?”
Buck grimaces. “Both?”
Eddie shakes his head. “If this happened again, you’d do the same thing, wouldn’t you? Push me out of the way? Let yourself fall?”
Buck swallows. “I--Yeah.”
“How many times do I have to tell you that you’re not expendable for you to get it?” Eddie snaps. “I can’t--I can’t lose you.”
Buck’s chest tightens, but he doesn’t know if it’s from his injuries or from Eddie’s words. He wants to say something, anything, but his whole body feels heavy. “‘M sorry..”
“Hey, hey, stay with me, Buck.” Eddie’s eyes are frantic. “You gotta stay awake.”
“Tired.”
“I know, but you have to keep your eyes open,” Eddie is begging, his voice cracking with desperation. Buck tries for him. “That’s it, there’s those baby blues.”
Buck manages to keep his eyes open for a few more seconds, but inevitably he loses the battle with consciousness. The last thing he remembers is Eddie’s voice.
Stay with me, I need you.
He wakes up in a hospital room. Maddie is there, face clouded with worry.
“I can’t believe you almost died again .” She says.
“I’m sorry.”
She sighs. “I’m just glad you’re okay.” She leans over his bed to hug him, careful of his injuries. When she steps back, her phone is in hand.
“Who--”
“Eddie,” she says, like it’s obvious. “He had to go home to Christopher, but he wanted me to call him as soon as you woke up.”
Eddie. Oh, God. “Is he pissed?”
“What do you think?”
Buck sighs and leans back against the scratchy and uncomfortable pillow. “How long was I out?”
“Only overnight,” Maddie assures him. “Your surgery went very well. You’re going to be fine.”
His chest still feels heavy and sore, but he’s not so desperate for breath, so he believes her. “Thanks for staying here.”
“We took turns,” Maddie explains. “Eddie was here first, until he had to go home for Chris. Then Bobby was here for a few hours. Then Athena. Then Chim. Then Hen. And now me.”
Buck opens and closes his mouth a couple times. “Really?”
“Why are you surprised?” Maddie rolls her eyes. “You know they love you.”
“I--” Buck stammers. He does know that. But he forgets sometimes. He doesn’t know how to explain to Maddie how hard it still is for him to believe that people want him around, because he’s been in therapy over a year, and he’s supposed to be better. And he is, for the most part. He’s trying. But when it comes down to it, he’s always going to choose someone else over himself, especially if that someone is Eddie. Maddie is looking at him expectantly, but he doesn’t have an answer for her, at least not one she’ll like, so he just shrugs.
Eddie shows up unsettlingly quick, and Buck tries not to think about the number of traffic laws he must’ve broken to get here. He just stares at Buck for a minute, not saying anything. Buck gives a small wave and even smaller smile.
Maddie clears her throat. “I’m gonna head home, if you’re good here?” She’s looking at Eddie.
“Yeah, I’m--We’re good.” Eddie nods.
Maddie presses a kiss to Buck’s forehead before she leaves. “Bye, Evan.”
“Bye, Mads.”
Eddie waits until she’s out of earshot before speaking. “How much do you remember?”
“I remember you yelling at me,” Buck tells him. “And, uh, I remember you said…” Buck’s breath hitches. “You said you couldn’t lose me.”
“I meant it.” Eddie’s voice is firm, never wavering. “I still mean it.”
“I know.” He does. “But I can’t lose you, either. And when it comes down to it, you’re the one with the son to get back to, not me.”
“Buck--”
“No, let me finish.” Buck cuts him off. “I love Christopher so much, and I always want to be there for him. But you’re his dad , Eddie. I’m just the contingency plan.”
Eddie blinks rapidly. “You don’t really think that, do you?”
“It’s the truth, isn’t it?” Buck doesn’t meet his eye.
“No.” Eddie finally moves further into the room, sitting down in the chair Maddie had occupied previously, and taking Buck’s hands in his. “ Evan , you are so much more than just the backup, okay? You’re--You’re everything to me. To us. We’re a family. ”
Buck can’t quite form the words to respond to that.
“I know a hospital room isn’t the ideal setting for this,” Eddie continues. “But I love you. I’m in love with you. And it’s not because I’m scared, or because you got hurt. I’ve been feeling this way for a long time. I just haven’t found the right time to tell you, and I still haven’t, clearly. But I can’t hold it back anymore.”
Buck’s not sure how it feels to go into cardiac arrest, but the way his heart feels like it’s about to burst out of his body must be similar. Eddie loves him. He knows deep in his core that it’s the truth, can feel the truth of it in Eddie’s gaze. But it still takes him by surprise, still feels like it should be impossible. He’s aware somewhere that he should say it back, but his mind is still swimming, and he’s definitely on some drugs. So instead he says: “We’re not having our first kiss on a hospital bed.”
Eddie snorts. “Not exactly the response I was hoping for here.”
“Yeah,” Buck grins dopily. “But you love me.”
“I do.”
Finally, he says it back. “I love you, too, by the way.”
Eddie smiles, soft and affectionate and warm, and Buck finally has an explanation for the undefined something that’s always in Eddie’s eyes. Love. “I know you do.”