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It was around midnight when Lev woke to a loud crack of thunder suffocating his sleep. He blinked groggily as lightning split the sky in two, sending flashes of hot light through his window seal.
No. Not his.
Yaku’s.
He suddenly remembered falling asleep with Yaku studying in his arms. The older boy must have put him to bed, wrapping him in the thick fluffy blanket he had received as a gift from Lev on their anniversary this year.
Lev sat up, rubbing the sleep from his emerald green eyes. He didn’t feel Yaku’s presence in the room, but the sheets were still warm next to him. Restroom, Lev thought, throwing his long legs over the side of the bed. He stood, slowly making his way out of the room. He idly scratched the back of his head as he knocked on the bathroom door, but got no response. He knocked once more before realizing the light wasn’t on. He sighed, coming to the conclusion that Yaku had probably stayed up too late again, studying.
Lev groaned at the idea of Yaku overworking himself again and started towards the living room. Yaku didn’t have an office in his small apartment so he studied on the couch often and next to Lev on the bed when he was around.
Stepping foot into the living room, Lev sighed. Yaku was sitting on the couch, wrapped tightly in a blanket. His knees were pulled to his chest, making the small boy even smaller. The lights were off though, Lev almost missing Yaku altogether.
“Mori, why aren’t you in bed? It’s late,” Lev questioned, tiptoeing quietly across the squeaky floorboards. Yaku jumped, a bit startled by his skyscraper boyfriend.
“Oh, Lev, I- I um,” Yaku began to wipe his face with the ends of his long sleeves. He was wearing Lev’s hoodie again, which almost swallowed him whole.
The wavering in his voice suddenly brought Lev closer, kneeling down to look Yaku in the eyes. He couldn’t see the tears staining his boyfriend's cheeks, but Lev knew something was wrong. He couldn’t sense Yaku’s usually confident self or the slight fear from Yaku’s mood swings.
Instead, the air was cold, undoubtedly tense.
Lev thought about his options quickly, a thing he’s been trying his best to adjust to when it comes to dealing with Yaku and his different moods.
But he’d never seen this one before. So he was stuck.
“Mori,” Lev was quiet, “Are you alright?”
Yaku didn’t speak. He was glad Lev couldn’t see that he was crying. He had never cried like this in front of him and he never planned to.
Yaku had been dealing with this anxiety for a few months now, panic attacks becoming more and more frequent in his night time routines. Since starting college, he’d had at least twenty-three different attacks. Some were worse than others and all for different reasons.
The worst were the ones pertaining to his sweet boyfriend who he missed so goddamn much it hurt. Even when Lev would skip school to come and spend the night with him, Yaku still wanted more. He wanted to see Lev’s stupidly beautiful face everyday. After a while, he began to overthink, leading to his own demise.
“Mori, please talk to me,” Lev reached out to cup Yaku’s face in his hands. Yaku immediately pulled back, resisting.
Lev froze, confused. “Morisuke-“
Yaku shot up, the adrenaline pumping through his veins now. He dropped his blanket and ran as quickly as he could to his small bathroom, where he locked himself inside.
Lev followed after him but Yaku was just too fast.
“Morisuke, are you mad at me? What did I do? Baby, I swear I-“
“It’s not you, Lev.”
Yaku held his hands to his chest as his breathing became irregular. He felt that same numbing chill wash over his body in waves. His tears become steady again, his hands shaky. He rested his body against the door, slowly sliding to the floor.
Lev was fully awake now, aware that his boyfriend was in fact not alright. He stood on the opposite side of the door, hand on the knob.
“Baby, please let me in,” he spoke softly.
Yaku couldn’t hear him over the thick sobs that were now escaping him. He felt helpless, losing all control of his own body.
He wanted Lev to wrap him up in his arms and kiss all this awful sadness away but he knew that he would ultimately end up pushing Lev away. Yaku decided keeping Lev was more important than anything at the moment.
Just don’t let him see your weakness, he thought to himself.
But that wasn’t going to work because Lev could hear everything happening on the other side of the door. He could hear the pain in Yaku’s cries and that scared him. He had never heard such wails come from his fearless boyfriend. He wasn’t quite sure how to react.
He just wanted it to stop.
“Morisuke, baby, are you okay? Are you in pain? What’s going on? Are you sick? Please-“
He was cut off by another one of Yaku’s loud cries.
Lev’s heart ached.
This wasn’t something Lev had ever dealt with. He felt his own hands growing shaky. He began to sweat.
What if he’s sick?
What if he’s hurt?
What if he’s…sad?
Sad and Yaku didn’t mix properly in Lev’s mind. He couldn’t figure out why his boyfriend could be sad.
Lev had never been a thinker, not until he met Yaku during his first year in high school, where Yaku always pushed Lev to work harder, pay attention, and observe everything. He made Lev half the man he was today. If it weren’t for Yaku kicking Lev’s ass every time he slacked off, Lev might’ve ended up being someone completely different.
Lev thought about the day's events, trying to decide what could have made Yaku so upset.
He surprised Yaku this morning by showing up at his doorstep. His boyfriend was angry with him for not telling him he was coming, but Lev knew Yaku secretly loved his pop up visits.
They had lunch together, while Yaku studied. They cuddled, while Yaku studied. Lev watched a movie, while Yaku studied. They ate dinner, while Yaku studied. Lev showered, while Yaku studied. Lev went to bed, while Yaku studied.
Maybe Yaku is just stressed from school.
Lev momentarily kicked himself for not noticing how overworked Yaku had been. He should have made him stop studying, if even just to take a short walk. He quickly decided Yaku was banned from studying for all of tomorrow as he knocked on the door once more.
“Hey baby…are you stressed from school? I’m sorry I didn’t notice, I should have made you stop studying today. You’re putting too much on yourself and I didn’t even-“
“Lev, no- No!” Yaku mumbled, “Don’t-“
He couldn’t breathe. It was getting harder to speak. He didn’t want Lev to blame himself though, this wasn’t his fault. He had to make sure Lev knew that.
“Morisuke please breathe. You’re scaring me…” Lev pleaded. He could hear the strained breathing as Yaku spoke. He was very unsure of what to do.
“Baby, just let me in. Let me take care of you, please?” Lev wanted nothing more. Hearing the sobs had started to get to him. He felt like a failure, unable to reach out and hold Yaku’s hand.
He then had a thought. He laid down on his stomach, slowly pushing his long pale fingers under the crack in the door, into the bathroom.
Yaku didn’t notice until Lev poked him in the side.
“If you won’t let me hold you, at least let me be here, Mori.”
Yaku looked down at Lev’s fingers under the door. He hadn’t realized how much he needed him until that moment. He brushed his own fingers over Lev’s wanting to bring himself back to reality.
“I miss you so much Lev,” Yaku choked, trying his hardest to not just completely fall apart then.
“I miss you too baby,” Lev felt Yaku’s small fingers on his, easing his stress the smallest bit.
They sat like that for a minute before Yaku pulled his hand away. Without thinking, he unlocked the door.
Lev heard the soft click of the lock and retracted his hand. Yaku pulled the door open slightly, letting out a thin strip of light.
After a moment of silence, Lev reached his hand through the now open crack of the door. He didn’t want to overwhelm Yaku by just busting in.
He reached out, hoping Yaku would accept his hand. When Lev felt that same small hand wrap it’s skinny fingers around his long ones, he couldn’t help but smile. Yaku’s breathing had begun to steady out now, but he still couldn’t stop his body from shaking. He hoped Lev couldn’t feel that now as they held hands.
“Let me know if you need me, okay?” Lev whispered, hoping Yaku could hear him.
Yaku squeezed his hand lightly in response. He was grateful for his boyfriend's hand. He wasn’t actually quite ready for Lev to see him like this. He wasn’t ready for his eyes to see how pathetic he really was.
“Do you want to tell me what’s wrong, now?” Lev asked, once he could hear Yaku’s crying calming down.
Yaku didn’t want to admit it. He didn’t want to say “I’m struggling.” That seemed too obvious now. But what? What else was there to say?
I'm scared of losing you.
Yeah, he was, he thought to himself. Yaku was so deathly afraid of losing Lev that it shook him to his very core. The once giant dumbass who made him more aggravated than anything was now the love of his life, the only person who his heart ached for.
Yaku had come to realize how much time they spent apart after he started college. Lev was still a second year in high school too, which made schedules even harder for the two. They could barely see each other, and when they did, Yaku was always too busy to give Lev the attention he deserved. He was behind in classes and struggling to keep up. Failing wasn’t an option for him.
But that left him wondering how better off Lev would be if he was in a relationship with someone his own age. Yaku couldn’t be what Lev needed at the moment and that was scary. Lev was very attractive. Yaku always joked about how Lev could be a model one day, he could definitely find someone more attractive than a tiny, pale, average looking male. He was a foot shorter than Lev, he was always moody, and Yaku knew deep down there wasn’t anything too special about himself, not anything worth being in love with.
So why did Lev stay?
Am I holding him back?
But I love him…how could I do this without him?
“Baby,” Lev brought him back from his thoughts, gently caressing the back of his hand with his thumb. “You don’t have to say anything right now, okay? I just want you to calm down for me. Just breathe.”
Yaku felt the hot tears coming back.
Why is he so sweet to me?
I ignored him all day after getting upset with him when he surprised me with a visit. I was so happy to see him, yet I treated him like dirt. For what? To hold up some shitty reputation? Bull fucking shit, Morisuke. You’re trash. He’ll leave you one day. He’ll get tired of all of it. He’ll get tired of you.
Lev is too good for you, Morisuke.
“Please don’t leave,” Yaku mumbled under his breath. It was very quiet for a moment. He hadn't realized he had even said that out loud until the door was being pushed open, revealing his long, slender, green eyed, beautiful boyfriend.
But his usual smile was replaced with a faltered frown and sad eyes. He hated it. Yaku had caused this. He messed up again.
“Morisuke, why would I ever leave you?”
His words cut deep. He knew that he had no choice but to answer. Yaku wouldn’t be able to hold it in anymore. All his worries and fears, he would have to pour them all out for Lev, right there on the cold tile of his bathroom floor.
“Because I’m a shitty person,” Yaku started, “I’m such an ass. I don’t give you the attention you need and you don’t deserve that shit. You are too fucking good to me and you’re so handsome while I look like this. Sometimes I wonder if you’d be better off with somebody else. I’m so scared, Lev. Shit’s been real hard lately and I don’t know how to cope. This keeps happening. I keep overthinking and then next thing I know I can’t breathe and I’m shaking and I end up crying myself to sleep. I’m losing my mind, Lev. I-”
“Mori, slow down...just breathe,” Lev interrupted, reaching his hand out to grab Yaku’s free one.
Yaku hadn’t realized he had been holding his breath, spitting all of that out too quickly.
“Now, one thing at a time, okay?” Lev’s eyes were so soft, Yaku wanted to escape into them, hide away from the world. Disappear.
“Um, okay,” Yaku took a deep breath, then started again, this time slower. He told Lev about how hard school was, how he was struggling to eat, struggling to sleep. He talked about his insecurities and all the things he worried about when it came to Lev. He didn’t hold anything in.
Lev was there, listening intently. He was there for Yaku and he knew that he needed to let him be. If he was ever going to get over this, he would have to let Lev see this side of him.
“Mori…” Lev paused. He was shocked to hear about all the problems Yaku had been going through over the past couple of months. He couldn’t grasp the idea that his strong, confident, fearless boyfriend was actually chipping away slowly. And he had no idea.
That hurt, Lev couldn’t lie. He felt bad for not noticing.
Lev didn’t understand how Yaku felt he wasn’t good enough. That thought had never crossed Lev’s mind. To him, Yaku was precious. Yeah, he got angry more often than not and their relationship got off to a rocky start, but Yaku was always the boy Lev wanted to hold hands with. He wanted to scoop his small body up in his arms and pepper him with kisses. He wanted to be the one Yaku had a soft side for. He was so pretty to Lev, so special.
That hurt too.
I should tell him more often. He deserves that, Lev took a mental note. He’s too pretty to doubt himself.
Lev was speechless. For the first time in his life, he was truly speechless. He couldn’t find the right words to say. Everything sounded so cliche, so…obvious. Dumb even.
He wanted Yaku to feel better though. That’s all he wanted. He just wanted to see that crooked smile he would give Lev when he hated to admit that Lev made him happy.
“Come here,” Lev pulled Yaku into him, holding him close. He rubbed his back gently and placed kisses to his forehead. Yaku was mostly back from his panic attack at this point, which made Lev feel a bit better.
He ran his fingers through his short locks, brushing it back so he could stare at Yaku. He wanted to see him, really see him.
His eyes are so pretty , Lev thought to himself. And his skin is so soft. He’s got this look that makes me just want to melt. I’m so in love with you, Morisuke. You’re everything to me.
Lev rubbed the remaining tears from Yaku’s face, smiling.
“There are so many things I want to say right now, but I don’t know how to say them. I don’t want to mess this up. I want you to know how I feel,” Lev said, looking deeply into Yaku’s eyes, his stare not wavering for a moment.
“Just say them,” Yaku retorted, desperately looking for a response. He had just poured his heart out and he needed Lev’s words to fill it back up.
Lev caressed Yaku’s cheek, trying to get his words together.
“I wish you could see yourself the way I see you, Morisuke,” Lev began, his voice trailing off. Suddenly, he had a thought. “Mori, can I carry you?” he asked abruptly.
Yaku eyes widen the slightest bit. “Why? I-”
But before he could answer, Lev was on his feet, picking Yaku up from the ground. The smaller boy instantly wrapped his limbs around Lev’s neck and sighed.
Without hesitation, Lev was gliding across the hall, back to Yaku’s bedroom. He switched on the light, causing them both to squint as their eyes adjusted.
And without warning, Lev plopped Yaku down right in front of his floor length mirror. Lev sat behind him, cradling Yaku in his arms again.
Yaku looked at himself in disgust. He had never realised how puffy and swollen he looked after he cried. This only made him feel worse. He wanted to fully disappear now. God, was he unattractive.
“Look how perfectly you fit in my arms, Morisuke,” Lev whispered, breaking Yaku from his miserable thoughts. He saw how Lev’s long arms surrounded him, pulling the older one into his chest. He looked so tiny in Lev’s arms, almost delicate. It made Yaku’s heart flutter ever so slightly.
“It’s almost as if you were made for me,” Lev continued, his breath hot on Yaku’s ear. A chill ran down Yaku’s spine, the butterflies in his stomach were fighting each other.
“I think you were,” Lev was smiling, brushing his lips against Yaku’s ear. It looked as if this was about to turn into one of those steamy makeout sessions, but Lev knew what he was doing.
“Look at how cute you are when you blush.”
Yaku noticed how pink he was, how flustered Lev was capable of making him. He wanted to kick himself out of embarrassment, but he couldn’t deny the fact that he looked more alive with a tint on his cheeks. It did oddly make him feel the tiniest bit attractive.
“And your eyes, Mori- I get so lost in them,” Lev was resting his head on Yaku’s shoulder now, his hands on the smaller ones knees in front of them.
“You make me feel things I don’t know how to handle. I’m not very good at this, I know, but Morisuke, you are very special to me. I want this to be us forever. You and me, like a puzzle no one else can figure out.”
Yaku saw himself crying again but this time was different. Just subtle streams falling down his cheeks.
“Don’t cry, baby,” Lev began to wipe his tears.
“I thought you said you weren’t good at this,” Yaku chuckled, leaning back into Lev, closing the inch of a gap between their bodies.
“I hope you know that all those little things you worry about are just little things. You are more than enough for me. I only want you. I know we don’t get to spend a lot of time together and when we do, you have stuff to do. That’s okay. Just promise me from now on that you’ll take a little break when it gets too much. You can’t keep doing this to yourself, Morisuke.”
Yaku sighed, peering at Lev in the mirror. He looked genuinely concerned and it made Yaku feel so important. He would never admit it though.
“Yeah, yeah. Alright.”
Lev pressed a kiss to the top of Yaku’s head. He felt a sudden rush of relief. He only wanted the best for Yaku.
“How about tomorrow we both take a break?” Lev smiled, poking Yaku in the sides.
Yaku giggled, being very ticklish, “What do you mean?”
“No school, no studying, no worrying. None of that. Just you and me. We can go on a date maybe? Get some lunch, watch a movie, whatever you want to do.”
“Lev, if you miss another practice, Kenma will murder you-“
“Kenma-san can murder me all he wants. I want to spend time with you,” Lev spoke, brushing his thumb across Yaku’s cheek. He blushed again, unable to control the things Lev was able to do to him.
“Fine. As long as I get some cuddles,” Yaku grinned, going soft for his big teddy bear of a boyfriend.
“Of course. How could I say no to you?” Lev squeezed Yaku tight in his arms, causing the older boy to tense up. “Lev, I can’t breathe!”
Lev shook his head, letting go of his boyfriend, only to return to wrapping his arms around his waist. “Do you feel better?”
Yaku thought about it for a moment before smiling. He did. Lev had somehow managed to make Yaku feel like a king. He was grateful for that and every word that left Lev’s mouth that night.
“Yes. Thank you, baby,” Yaku answered sheepishly.
Lev gasped at the pet name and smiled that stupidly heart warming smile, “Anything for you.”
Deep down, Yaku knew he was right where he belonged.