Chapter Text
I tapped the tip of my pen against the side of the inkwell as though that would be able to give me the inspiration that I needed. Spending hours sitting at my desk musing as to how I was going to begin to try to explain myself was something that had rarely happened to me as when I took action on something I almost always had a perfectly good explanation for doing so. This time words failed me.
“Are you sure that you are okay?” Ruby asked, startling me as she crept up behind me. I whipped around and looked at her, ink getting all over my hand in the process. Clearly not thinking I wiped the ink that had gotten onto my hand all over my shirt. “I will take that as a no.”
“I’m fine, Ruby, really. Perhaps a little distracted.” Which was putting it lightly to say the least. Should I have confessed to the detective having kissed me in broad daylight I wasn’t sure how she would react. She did know of my relationship with Robert, so clearly my sexual preference was none of her concern and yet still I was hesitant to explain the entire situation to her.
“Why are you writing a letter to Doctor Garland?” she inquired as she noticed the first line of the letter that I had begun. Thank heavens she hadn’t taken notice of all of the crumpled up balls I had placed in the waste bin.
“To congratulate him on his divorce.” I rolled my eyes as I made said comment, I suppose part of it was true after all. I was happy that he finally managed to free himself from his troublesome marriage. His wife after all clearly has no understanding of the concept of loyalty. It appeared as though it was something that had leached off onto her beau as well.
Ruby only scoffed as she grabbed one of the cups and sat down across from me at the seat where she had felt most comfortable. It was Robert’s mothers chair so it almost seemed quite fitting that she chose it to be her spot in the household.
It was still strange having her move in with me, as far as the world was concerned she was courting me and the two of us had the full intention of being married. When in reality it was the last thing that I could have desired. It would have been the same as kissing my sibling, after all I had spent so long embracing my attraction to other men. Why on earth would I try to hide it now?
“Lucky him I suppose.” She took a sip of her tea before pausing as though she had another thought. “Does this mean that the Detective is to finally be married to Doctor Ogden?” I had to hold my tongue from making any further comments on the matter, after he had kissed me I had a feeling that he no longer had any intention of marrying the doctor. If that were so then why go ahead with the divorce? He could have asked her that he had changed his mind on the whole affair and was determined for her to try to make her marriage work?
My mind felt as though it were about to implode from the thoughts colliding with one other. The only person who would be willing and able to answer them was the detective himself and he was the last person that I would be willing to speak with. Even if we were the last two men on the planet.
For about the fifteenth time tonight I heard the phone begin to ring, instead of picking up the receiver I only hit it down to decline the call before it could even go through. I was sick of listening to the horrendous ringing over and over again. “Who would be calling at this late an hour?” she asked once again as she turned and looked at me.
“None of your concern, possibly some other woman attempting-” Once the phone went off once again Ruby picked it up before I could decline the call.
“Good evening, Ruby speaking,” she answered, her voice overly cheery. As though she were back at work all over again. I watched as her eyes widened and she covered the receiver with an overly thrilled grin on her face. “It's the detectives” she whispered harshly as I motioned for her to hang up. She however decided something else. “Yes, Detective Murdoch, es Mister Gillies is home. I will pass the phone to him-” I strode over to her and pressed down on the receiver she only looked at me with confusion.
“He is the last person I wish to speak with right now,” I hissed as I turned back to the table. Finally beginning to add the ink to the page in a more constructive way than by me smudging the ink with my hand as I wrote.
“James, what happened?” she asked, rather than her usual excitement when it had anything to do with the detective she actually seemed concerned about my wellbeing. But her constant prodding only fuelled my anger.
“Please just save it. I will explain everything to you later but as of now I have so much more that I have to process,” I commented flatly as I turned back to the letter as though it would solve everything.
I watched Ruby nod slowly out of the corner of my eye. I felt bad for scalding her like I had done, but she was not going to stop unless I gave her an answer otherwise. So perhaps it was for the greater good that I finally shooed her away from the conversation until I was ready.
“I'm sorry for prodding. You have your right to secrecy.” She clearly however was trying to use a form of manipulation to get me to spill my guts to her, after all I knew well enough that she was either going to dig into the subject and figure it out on her own or wait until I finally told her everything that she wanted to know.
“Don’t think that I don’t know what you are trying to do,” I spoke as I continued to write down my rambling thoughts to the doctor. At least something was better than nothing, even if my thoughts were all over the place.
I heard the sound of the teacup being placed on the saucer once again. “And that might be?” She loved pretending to be completely innocent in all of these things. It was only interesting seeing how much she wanted to lead me on as though she could get away with playing me the fool.
“I know you would like more information about why I am so shaken about all of this. However, you will find it in due time.” I gently began to blow on the letter as though that would take the place of blotting the ink. Perhaps this way it gave me some more time to think about what I was going to say to the doctor before I approached him with the letter should my words have once again failed me.
She opened a book, but took a couple of times to glance over at me through her dark eyelashes, as though her constant attention would somehow break me. I had no intention of telling her what had happened in the slightest. I was sure after all that the second I decided to do so I would end up with an entire group of ardent admirers of one detective Murdoch chasing my coattails to find out if he was a good kisser or not.
“I will be back,” I stated as I finished folding the letter into some makeshift envelope. It all looked like such a mess but then again I had a feeling that Darcy would be understanding, if he was willing to listen to me at all in the first place.
I didn’t stick around long enough to listen to any kind of response that Ruby might have had to my departure. I grabbed my overcoat, neglecting a hat, and trotted out of the house, slamming the door behind me. It took a bit of debating if I was going to go get Basil or make the trek on my own. It’s not as though it were a long walk to the house, beside it might give me a chance to clear my thoughts.
As I began under the streetlights my thoughts continued to swirl from the singular moment that had encapsulated my mind off hours now without any chance of having them dissipate. Mostly of course it was why in the name of all things holy had the detective kissed me? Was it out of some kind of morbid curiosity? Or perhaps he wanted something to make confessional all the more interesting. I am sure saying that same thing over and over again did get boring every once in a while, imagine the scandal should he have confessed to kissing another man?
There was little to no chance that any part of the kiss had been genuine, there was no way. Especially after the way that he had spoken about one of the suspects in that case. I realized that perhaps it was a different context, but there was no disguising the disdain in his voice. There is no way that he would think of me in any other way other than a degenerate for my feelings if he were to uncover the truth about anything. Or perhaps why Darcy had become so upset when he had seen the two of us.
Based on the relentless calling, it was clear that he was trying to explain himself to me. But I don’t even know if I would like to listen to whatever explanation that he might have had to whatever the hell he had done. Drawing in a long breath I finally rounded the corner onto Jarvis street.
I could see that the porch light was still illuminating the stoop, which I could only hope would mean that Darcy was still awake. I after all couldn't have been the only one to have trouble sleeping upon everything that had happened.
Slowly I made my way up the steps, my thumb running over the paper of the envelope, unsure of what on earth I was even going to lead with. I needed to smooth things over with him or else I suspected that the two of us would never be able to sleep again. Biting my lip I brought my hand up to the door before giving it a rap.
“Darcy?” I called as I continued to knock, as though he had missed me the first time that I had tried to get his attention. “I realize that you are upset, but just talk to me… please,” I begged as I began to lower my hand from the door. The fact that the lights were on in the den and yet Darcy was not responding seemed a little odd to me.
“Darcy.” My voice became more concerned as the time wore on. My better conscience told me to drop the letter in through the mail slot and let him come to me when he was ready to talk, but some nagging feeling at the back of my mind told me that something wasn’t right. Perhaps he was in some kind of danger. Or that he needed to hear from me that the kiss had meant nothing. That if anything I had been frozen for so long out of shock of what was happening rather than anything else.
I slid my hand down to the doorknob and grasped it with slight hesitation. If he didn’t wish to speak to me there was no way that he would leave it open for me. I could break in through the window as I had done before. I am sure that it would surprise him, or perhaps my determination might actually impress him in one way or another.
However, without even realizing it, I pushed the doorknob down and the door swung open. Unlocked. That seemed strangely out of character, not that he was not in the slightest a paranoid person but still wasn’t the type to leave his door unlocked.
Squeaking in protest, the door opened and I poked my head in, still feeling as though I shouldn’t have just sauntered in without being invited. Especially after what Darcy had just witnessed, I am sure that he had no intention to talk to me. Why of course I felt the desire to continue on into the room, I couldn’t be sure.
Even if I were interrogated by the boorish inspector I am sure that I wouldn't have been able to come up with an answer to what I had found once I had walked inside of the house. It all blurred together as my eyes filled with tears and I let out the most guttural sound I had ever made. Something that sounded more animalistic than human, perhaps that is why the neighbours responded as quickly as they had.
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One hallway should not be able to make one feel as though it were stretching on for thousands of miles in either direction. It was a physical impossibility and yet whenever I looked up that is all I could see. Hallway stretching on from either direction with no discernible end to it. I hung my head once again as I ran my fingers through my hair making it look even more disheveled then I already had.
The sound of a throat being cleared made me look up. I saw the doctor who had spoken with me earlier. “Mister Gillies?” he asked, his voice mournful, or at least trying to show some semblance of sympathy for me.
“Yours truly.” I attempted to use humour to lighten the situation, but based on how my own voice had sounded it sounded as though I knew it was in bad taste before even saying it in the first place.
I could see a slight smile begin to crack on the edges of his worn features but he only gripped the clipboard closer to his person as he looked down at me. The longer he took to speak the more tension began to permeate. Beginning to make the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. “I have news about Doctor Garland’s condition.” He seemed overly solemn. I just wished he would stop beating around the bush and get to the point of updating me instead of leaving me hanging. “He’s stable as can be for now, I can’t make a proper prognosis. If he makes it through the night I will get a better idea.”
Giving him a curt nod I looked away from his electric gaze as I felt as though a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. “Thank you. May I see him?” I asked, trying to give my most pleading look possible to get him to agree without a second thought. However he did take a moment to process everything.
“Yes, of course.” He stepped aside and opened the door gesturing for me to walk in. “It's bandaged as best as we could, it’s a lot of trauma and will take multiple surgeries if he manages to pull through. You did say that it was a burglary gone wrong, yes?” I was not sure as to why he wanted to learn more about the intricate little details of the case. As long as he did whatever he could have to try to keep Darcy clinging to life that is all that mattered to me.
Dragging myself to my feet I nodded and walked through the door. Seeing him was as though I were looking at some kind of warped mirror. Almost the entirety of his face was covered with gauze in attempts to piece together what had remained. I sat down on the edge of the bed as I looked at him, my eyes beginning to well up. His were still closed.
“Good morning.” My voice cracked as I grabbed his hand gingerly, afraid that he was going to tear apart like paper if I were to grasp it too hard. I began to shiver faintly as I watched him move around faintly in his sleep. “I tried to explain, I wanted to tell you everything…” I stopped as I could feel my emotions beginning to surface once again. I didn’t exactly want to deal with it right in the middle of the hospital where anyone could have walked in.
“H-She kissed me.” I spoke, careful not to incriminate the two of us should someone else have been listening. Since he just got out of an intense surgery I would have been surprised had he not been supervised, especially if he had some kind of adverse reaction to the anesthetic. “I wanted to explain, I … I never thought that she could… I was not lying to you. I never was.” Gently lifting his hand I kissed his knuckles as though that could have solved anything.
It was almost as though the timing were meant to be that his eyes began to flutter open, there was a pained look in them as he looked me up and down. Even without being able to see his entire expression I knew that he was surprised that I had come to see him despite everything that had transpired. I suspected he figured that I was about to walk out on him as Doctor Ogden had.
“I won’t leave you,” I stated as I curled up beside him, resting my head on his chest as though that could bring him back. All the hospital staff needed to know was that the two of us were good friends, friends who respected each other and I was still fearing for his life as the prognosis that I had been given wasn’t the best. “I promise,” I stated as I looked up at him, I only wished that he could talk to me. So that I could explain everything as I had planned on doing all that time ago.
The sun arched across the bed as time wore on, Darcy going in and out of sleep as the hospital staff puttered around checking in on us every hour on the dot. It was almost impressive how they managed to keep everything so organized. The longer that time wore on the more hope that I was given that Darcy would be able to pull through this. I still hadn’t even bothered pulling the note that he had left addressed to me on his desk and reading through it. There was no point, he was going to make it through this and he could tell me himself.
He had to be okay… It was as darkness fell and my eyes began to feel heavy that I could hear his heartbeat, as slow as it was, still drumming along. Until of course it just abruptly stopped. I shot up immediately and looked to see the remainder of the color in Darcy’s face had completely drained away.
“Darcy?” I called as I reached up to touch him but hesitated. “Darcy!” I yelled out as though I were trying to reach through to get to him. Instead however I didn’t receive a response, feeling arms around me as I was lifted up off the bed. “Darcy!” I called once again, my voice breaking with grief as I tried to pull away from whomever had been holding me back.
Swarming like a group of ants, the staff was onto him as soon as they heard my calls of desperation. It was as though they had known that something was wrong the moment that it happened even without my alerting them.
As the gurney holding Darcy was carted away I could barely stop crying out for his return. If anything, whomever had been holding me back didn’t get paid enough. Especially if they were some kind of other specialist.
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Holding the paper up, it was stained with a familiar crimson liquid as I ran my fingers over the handwriting. It was after all the last piece of him that I had with me, I only wished that the constabulary had bothered to look into the case more. Station house one only gave the place one look over and gave up completely in trying to find anything of use to them. Of course there wasn’t anything to find, but it is not as though I was going to tell them that.
As far as they knew, I was just a friend in mourning. After all, I lost someone important to me and needed time to process everything. Why I had lied about the situation was to try to keep the doctors standing within his social circles. I took in a deep breath as I shoved the letter back into my pocket and turned around to see that finally I had been watched.
Doctor Ogden was facing me, she seemed to be as upset as I about the situation despite the fact that she had clearly left the man without a second thought. Or rather at least it seemed as though she was almost completely unbothered with the fact that a man that she had been married to was now about to be put six feet under.
“My condolences, Mister Gillies,” she spoke as though it were some way of trying to examine me mentally, as though she would be the one to find any cracks in my facade. If anything it would have been amusing to watch her try should it have been under any other circumstances.
“And I you. Despite you and Darcy’s circumstances.” The harsh tone that I had brought with me was not something that I regretted. I did after all have nothing to hold back since my burning anger was obvious to pretty much everyone who attended.
I seemed to have pushed some buttons, she was after all wearing the customary widow’s black. Despite the fact that she was no longer wedded to Darcy, of course it is not as though his family knew that and based on the fact that she was wearing a ring on her left hand; perhaps she was going to try to convince his family that they were still married before his untimely death.
“I do apologize if I have somehow offended you Mister Gillies.” She spoke, softly trying to appeal to my better judgement. Some piece of me knew that no matter what she did or tried she wouldn’t be able to get through to me. “He was a good man. I didn’t wish ill of him. I hope that you know that.”
I took in a deep breath to try to keep myself calm, despite my raging storm of emotions. “You have not offended me, rather your beau holds that honour.” I spoke flatly, the hints of anger making their way in. I was never good at surprising my fiery fury, something Robert often spoke too.
Seeing the look on her face when I mentioned the detective almost seemed to be worth the slight outburst. I only raised an eyebrow in turn, she was possibly not the one who was used to being assessed as though she were the patient. I of course couldn’t help myself, using those miscellaneous classes that I had taken to be able to show off my prowess.
“He is no longer my beau.” She looked slightly unnerved, as though this were the first time that she was admitting it to the world. Or perhaps the first time that she was admitting it to herself. “If anything his lack of interest has been made most clear to me.” If we had been somewhere more private I might have asked if she had known about the kiss on the beach that had caused Darcy to act out in such a way.
“Has he found another?” I asked in curiosity, if anything I would find it both an honour and an insult if he had set his sights on me. That the kiss was much more than curiosity of what it would be like to kiss the same sex as opposed to him reaching out into oblivion in hopes that I might have been interested in a relationship of any kind.
“Truthfully, I haven’t the slightest.” She breathed still with the same elegance that she approached everything else with. However my curiosity would no longer be sated by the answer as I had figured. Clearly the two were close, why he had not bothered to spill the fact that he had his sights on another. Or perhaps it was some woman of the congregation that he had the opportunity to crash into, that would be a much better explanation than him giving up a wife and a family to pursue someone such as myself.
Giving her a curt nod I strode across the grounds of the cemetery and over to where they had just lowered the body into the ground not all that long ago. The last thing that I wanted to do was to spend time around people who feigned to know what had happened to Darcy. In reality I was the only one who knew, he probably would have wanted it that way anyways.
I had not regretted the fact that I had to travel to Buffalo as his family had requested. I strode back to where the headstone rested; it was so lavish. An insult to the one that they had given Robert. I kneeled down in front of it again and gently began to run my fingers over the engraving.
I let out a breath as I tried to keep myself from breaking down once again. I had done so so many times on the ride over here, as well as I suspected what would happen on the ride back. The only thing that I had hoped to come from all of this was that perhaps I would be able to open the letter that he had left for me.
His parents had seemed kind, his brother of course was making eyes at me from the moment he noticed my presence as I had brought flowers and my condolences to the family, it only seemed right. The only thing that they hadn’t been privy to of course was the letter, as far as they knew it was the story that I had given the police. I am sure that they probably deserved to only know the fabrication, the truth would be far too much for them to bear. They would have also moved his grave if that were the case as well… Religious folks never took to the idea of one taking their own life.
I was glad that they had decided it was for the best that I had some time on my own. Of course Doctor Ogden had decided that she was going to try to use whatever method she saw fit to get to the truth of what was going on with me. Rather she was the last person that I had wanted to speak with. Especially since the only words that came to my mind would be considered vile in the worst of circumstances.
Still running my hand over the letter I dug into one of my pockets until I grabbed exactly what I was looking for. Flipping it open I stared into the orange glow for a little while, watching it flicker back and forth in the slight breeze.
“Never took you for an arsonist.” I didn’t even bother to turn around to face him. My anger seethed through my entire system. I shouldn’t have been surprised that he was to follow the doctor, but to the funeral of the man that he pushed to his demise.
“What in god's name are you doing here?” I could already imagine him crossing himself at the thought of me speaking his god's precious name in vain. It was perhaps one of the worst things that I could have done to him, maybe.
“Paying my respects.”
I only let out a faint chuckle as I turned around to face the detective, one of my eyebrows cocked in the air. Anger continues to brew, with no attempt from myself to keep it down. I placed both of the objects back into my inner pocket of my jacket in order to keep them concealed. The last thing that I would have wanted was for anyone to have noticed them. Especially my favourite detective who seemed to always get his nose into places it didn’t belong. I suppose after all it was some kind of an occupational hazard.
“We both know that is a lie, detective.” My voice was flat, he was still the man who took Robert from me and now of course he had taken Darcy alongside him. I really can’t understand why he continues to get involved with me. “What is your business with me?” I hissed, determined to get some kind of an answer from him.
“I…” he appeared as though a cat had gotten his tongue. Perfect, he wasn’t going to tell me anything more. Which perhaps was the only answer, manipulation. Trying to prove some kind of a theory by putting his reputation on the line. Perhaps if he was going to prove that I was a homosexual deviant he would be the one ensuring that I would end up at the end of a noose. Just as he had seen Robert do.
Shaking my head I looked down. Of course he had nothing to say. “As far as Doctor Garland’s family knows he is still married to Doctor Ogden, leave and I will spare them from the horrible truth.” I turned away from him and strode off, determined not to speak with him any further.
I could hear him beginning to trip over his words once again, but he didn’t stop me as I walked away tears beginning to prick at the edges of my eyes. I was shocked however that he had believed that a divorce could have been processed in a matter of hours… Perhaps she was a widow after all.
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Some part of me felt a kinship to that of Harriet Smith, falling for her Robert despite the fact that he didn’t have much to offer her. At least in my case I would have been able to offer him the world. A world that would have been cut off from him once Toronto’s society had learned about what his family had done. More importantly their debts, that I would have settled as soon as I could have. For his sake rather than his parents.
Leaning my head against the window I watched as the rain began to hammer down against the side of the train. It seemed almost a cruel irony that it was stormy out as my mind was clouded over with thoughts of the letter and the detective. What on earth was he willing to follow me to hell and back to try to tell me? Whatever it was it couldn’t have been that important, even if it were pertaining to the kiss that he had planted on me he was the one who had incited it in the first place.
Unconsciously I ran my fingers over the gold lettering of the novel as though that could take my mind off of everything. Darcy’s sudden demise, the detective’s sudden interest in attempting to get my attention. I shoved the book back into the suitcase that I had brought with me. I didn’t think to bring much with me, which was probably for the best considering I left shortly after the service was concluded.
I wished to try to bring myself to sleep, but I had a feeling that until I arrived in Carleton Place where my sibling was awaiting my return, rest would not find me. I had sent them a telegram shortly before my flight, I knew the second that I should call them they would have been quick to scold me. Which possibly would have made the call last for hours as opposed to minutes as I had intended. A telegram meant that they could collect their thoughts before I returned, at least then their scalding could be direct.
The inky darkness of the outside world as the rain continued to pour from the heavens allowed me to get lost in my own thoughts. I wished that I could get lost in it instead of having to worry about my own meandering concerns. A young mother from the other end of the train began to hum a tune to her restless child.
It took a couple of bars before I realized where I had heard that song before. It was something that Robert’s mother used to sing to him and in turn something he used to sing to me when I was restless. Which was more often than not, despite his arms being wrapped around me as I listened to his steady heartbeat as he would play with my unruly curls.
As I rested my head against the window I began to feel my eyes begin to go heavy as I listened to the song. It was as though rather than her voice I was listening to that of Robert’s as he lulled me to sleep as I rested in his embrace. An embrace that I thought I would always have, he spent so long by my side it was so strange to all of a sudden have him ripped from me.
Pieces of me wished that I was more upset with Darcy’s untimely passing, however I was of course more upset with the detective's actions. Of course, Robert meant so much more to me than Darcy had, which I am sure that he would have understood well enough. A five year committed relationship… That was perhaps more than even he could boast. I am sure that a lot of heterosexual couples were the same way, marrying on a whim only to separate months or years later when the idea of commitment no longer suited them.
My eyelids began to go heavy as sleep began to grasp me into its thrall. I shouldn’t be surprised after all since I didn’t get much sleep the last couple of nights. As soon as I fell asleep carrying me away at the will of my unconscious mind, I heard a familiar voice. Why in the name of all things holy was the Detective on the same train as I? Assuming of course that he had come with the Doctor, there was no reason for him to leave Buffalo as soon as I had.
Immediately I jolted upright, my mind becoming clear in the matter of moments. Slowly I turned around and noticed as he looked throughout the cab, perhaps he was looking for me after all. It was almost impressive how he had managed to follow me this far. Why he had waited until now to make himself known made little to no sense to me, if he had been so adamant to find me why wait so long?
The downfall to being on a train is that he would have me almost cornered, the only way for me to escape him would be to leap off at full steam. We were coming to a stop, so perhaps the train might have slowed for that. I would have to take the chance if I wished to escape him. Although as I turned to get another glance, I had to admit that the wide brimmed hat gave him a rugged look to his handsome features I couldn’t help but admire.
Pulling my jacket over my head I leaned back against the window and shut my eyes as the sound of footsteps followed and abruptly stopped. There was no reason for him not to recognize me, I could only hope that he didn’t have a reason to wish to attempt to wake me. It would have been cruel of him, I suspect he should have known about my lack of sleep since Darcy had passed. The dark circles under my eyes had altered me to my body’s tiredness. If he still had his nature for investigation I would have hoped that he noticed as well.
Abruptly stopping, I closed one of my eyes so that I was still able to watch the reflection in the train window to see that the detective had noticed where I was. Watching him move his head he had clearly noticed that I was asleep. I just hoped that my theory that he didn’t have the heart to try to wake me up after everything that I had been through was correct.
The footsteps continued and it took everything in my being not to release the breath that I had been holding. Right on cue, it was almost amusing how predictable he could be. That was something that I had loved about Robert, despite knowing him for practically my entire life there were still times where he was able to surprise me.
Once I had heard the door open to the next car, I leapt out of my seat. It was only once I was standing in the centre of the aisle that I realized I hadn’t grabbed my bag. I however leaned down and grasped it, not breaking eye contact with the door which the detective had gone through. I hadn’t thought about what now, since the Detective had turned around as I had made noise and looked directly at me. I could tell that he was pleading with his eyes for me not to run. It only solidified my anger as I turned tail and bolted down the end of the car and shoved the door open.
The wind whipped me in the face, ensuring of course that I had woken up if I hadn’t already. I stared down at the ground as it mattered by grasping onto the side of the car. I turned back to see that the Detective was making his way back up the aisle. It was now or never and the last thing that I wanted was to be forced into a conversation with him.
Biting my lip I let go of the side of the train and launched myself as far as I could away from the tracks as I pushed myself away. I handed it roughly as my body was thrust to the ground with such force I was surprised that I didn’t break a bone.
Taking in a breath to try to cure me of how winded I was, I pushed myself up to my feet and watched as the train made its way out of sight. It appeared as though I hadn’t been followed, perhaps it was for the best after all. The last thing I wanted was a row in the middle of the night with the man I most despised.
Picking myself up, I dusted myself off which of course seemed a little unnecessary given that the rain was still pouring and I would be soaked to the bone in a matter of half an hour. I shook my head as I continued to follow the tracks, I would eventually find the next stop and probably find myself a horse to get me the rest of the way. At least in that case the likelihood of me being found by the detective once again was slim.
My hair dripped down the edges of my face as my hair began to droop into my eyes as it usually did once I had crawled out of whatever swimming hole I had chosen for the time. I took in a deep breath as I finally began to relax, for now I would be alone.
I froze once I saw a figure standing on the tracks ahead of me, illuminated by the moonlight it made whomever it was all the more dramatic. But there was only one person who possibly would have even been crazy enough to leap off the train after me. If of course it wasn’t some kind of deviant out on a midnight stroll with the intention of killing me. In that case they would have quite a fight on their hands.
Rather than making the foolish choice and walking towards them I started walking backwards, I'd much rather try to avoid whomever it was. As soon as I turned my head and noticed that they had started running after me I took off as well.
I got about as far as the train bridge overlooking what I could only assume was the Trent river before they had caught up with me. As I reached for my revolver a voice broke out over both the sound of the rain and the rushing river.
“Please, Mister Gillies,” Murdoch pleaded as he finally stopped a few yards away from me. I turned around to face him, my anger burning through the cold of the wind and rain. He removed his hat, his dark hair a mess possibly from searching for me. It was almost impressive that he was able to track me for this long if of course it weren’t a vital part of his job.
“I have half a mind to throw you off this bridge,” I responded, my voice cool and cold as he took a couple of steps towards me. He was maybe a meter away from where I had been standing.
Instead however he only panted faintly as he looked me over, possibly to ensure that I wasn’t injured. “I came all this way to see you… James, I had to see you.” He breathed, his voice seemingly strained which seemed slightly strange. “These months… since you have returned to Toronto, I don’t know how I pulled through…”
“What does any of this have to do with me? You are that desperate to find a reason to throw me behind bars?” I was rightfully confused, why on earth was he seemingly so nervous to put me under arrest. After all, he had done it so many times before and it never seemed to phase him. It was just something about me specifically that put him on edge perhaps.
“I love you,” he blurted out and I felt my jaw attempting to go slack. He has come all this way to confess his love to me.
“If this is your idea of some kind of a joke-“”
“Most Ardently. I am offering myself to you and can only hope that you feel the same. I refuse to believe any love could be wrong, putting aside my beliefs, my position and my life work. You have bewitched me body and soul James Gillies, I can’t stop thinking about having you in my arms.”
“You think this is some kind of a cruel joke? You must have known about my relationship with Robert Perry all this time…” he only reached forward with slight hesitation before resting a hand on my arm in an attempt to calm me down. I only pulled away as though he were made of molten rock. “What more could you want from me?” My voice trembled, this was more personal than even taking Robert from me. Begging for me to feel the same about him when it would be like signing my own death certificate. If after all my theory was correct and he was looking for any reason to hang me.
“No.” He seemed to be since enough, but then again he could also just be a good liar. If after all he managed to get Robert to believe that I was trying to kill him I couldn’t be all that surprised.
“Why do I have trouble believing that?”
“I don’t know what to say to convince you of the truth... The kiss. It was real.”
I only took in a deep breath feeling my seething anger. “I hope the feelings in which you have described regarding your hesitance can help you in overcoming whatever you are feeling for me.” I hissed while the look on his face began to fall. As though he was just watching me kick a dog or perhaps some other small animal it looked more pathetic than it appeared to whatever kind of mercy I had left.
“Is this your reply?” He paused for a second, the betrayal and heartbreak prevalent on his features. It didn’t suit him. “Are you… Laughing at me?”
“Since you are so keen on always finding the truth and ‘getting your man’ as your beau would say, let me set things straight.” I stated flatly as I pushed my hair out of my face with my free hand as my other gripped onto my briefcase. “The murder of Professor Bennett, the one Robert Perry confessed to committing. It wasn’t him, it was me. The timing device, the letter. Everything,” I stated flatly, although it did seem strange finally confessing it to someone who could have done something about it.
“Furthermore, I am sure you can wager that wasn’t the first soul under my belt, I am sure of course that you could have easily figured that out. I could tell you where to find the remains, but that would ruin half of the fun, wouldn’t it?” I continued. “I am a murderer, my hands are covered with blood. Whatever you had told yourself about me to convince yourself that I am worthy of breaking every code that you claim to believe in is false.”
“Are you rejecting me?” His voice was soft, broken. I could have sworn I heard his voice crack under all of it after all.
“What part of you could think that I would ever think of accepting the affections of someone who sent my first love to the noose? Perhaps someone who also had the desire to see me join him in whatever afterlife you Catholics were so keen on envisioning, as I am after all guilty of committing the worst sins. You said as much yourself.”
“Murder—”
I only let out a heartfelt laugh as I heard him begin to go on about the blood on my hands. “Not the murder you abhorrent fool, that I am a homosexual. Is that not worse?” I didn’t realize how harsh I was being with him, however in every way I believed that he deserved it. “I heard that day referring to one, now what was his name again, Mister Hoffmann? The way you spoke of what he did behind closed doors with the disdain in your voice. The pure hatred and fury for someone who failed to live up to your foolish expectations of others. As though who we love is some kind of a choice.” I began as I took a step closer to him as though I were trying to assert my dominance. “I am sure that you are well aware that isn’t the case, detective.”
He only looked at me completely gobsmacked, possibly from the amount of anger coming from me as opposed to the words. He had heard me use my poisoned tongue against those who had wronged me before, this was hardly the first time but he was still unsure as to what he was going to say. “I care nothing of who you were, I fell for who you are now. The brilliant, charming-” He reached for my hand and I pulled away.
“What of Doctor Darcy Garland?” I stiffened up as I ensured that he would not be able to grasp at my hand. The last thing I wanted was for him to try to get close enough to kiss me again, for fear that my anger would melt into lust.
“What of him?”
“I am sure that you were well aware of his misfortunes that you had thrust him into by seducing his wife. Not only that but making him believe that you had taken me as well.” He seemed genuinely taken aback by the revelation that the two of us were beginning a relationship. “You feign ignorance? The reason he agreed to a divorce in the first place was because of his growing desire to be with me. If you want the truth as you so claim, then you should know that Darcy killed himself.”
The detective took a step back as though he had been blasted in the chest by the revolver burning a hole in my pocket. Despite the fact that it would be utterly useless in rain like this. I was just thankful that I had placed the letter into my briefcase before stepping out into the rain. “What?”
“You heard me, he killed himself. After all, you not only took his wife from him but his prospective relationship as well. I truly saw your selfish nature and your feigned ignorance for the feelings of others. Even if you were the last man on earth, I would never enter into a relationship with you. Not after what happened with Darcy and especially not after you sent my first love to the noose without a second thought.” I outstretched my hands in front of me so that he could easily cuff them. “Arrest me.”
Detective Murdoch only shook his head shock , beginning to pool in his eyes. Or perhaps was that tears? I couldn’t exactly tell from where I was standing in the dim light. “No.”
“You bloody coward. I just confessed to murder and here you are unable to-”
“You, James, hold quite the negative option of me. Justice has already been carried out, if your lover did sacrifice himself I would hate for that to go in vain. Regardless, Darcy isn’t as innocent as you claim that he was in all of this.”
“Would you expect less of me? Knowing what you have done without a single word of apology. Even making a mockery of his own funeral service.”
“I came to speak with you! I never wished ill of Doctor Garland. You must have known that.” He seemed to be sincere enough, which I suppose after all was true. He never openly envied his marriage to Doctor Ogden which I did find a little strange, perhaps he truthfully had no idea about Darcy and I other than our friendship.
“Regardless of the truth of what happened with Darcy, I still could never forgive the man who forced the one I loved to confess to a crime he didn’t commit. You didn’t even have a motive and yet you still relished when he was sentenced to hang.” He opened his mouth to counter my point but I only raised my hand. “No. I saw you there, that subtle look of satisfaction on your features. I am sure you were more than satisfied to see another homosexual deviant gone from the world.”
It looked as though based on the looks on his face he was beginning to accept the fact that he wasn’t going to get through to me. If he came all this way I am sure that he had hoped based on the fact that for a singular moment, and a lapse of judgement, I would have had some piece of me that felt the same way about him. “I am so sorry for taking up so much of your time, Mister Gillies.” It had just hit me that he had been using my given name, and yet I didn’t take offence to it coming from his lips. If anything it sounded far too natural. As though he had spent a lifetime using it during early morning pillow talk sessions as we both awoke from slumber.
What compelled me to act next was something that I would never have the gaul to understand. Perhaps after all it was I who was the coward after all of this. I grasped his hand, pulling him close to me and smashing our lips together once again as the rain fell around us. The sparks that seemed to rush through my entire being like a live wire seemed so out of place. He was my sworn enemy and yet here I was beginning to outline the inside of his mouth with my tongue, chasing the trace amounts of whatever he had imbibed before leaping off the train in pursuit of me.
I pulled away and took a step back wiping my lips as though to remove a foul taste from them. Perhaps it would get him to believe that I was making a point, proving how revolting I had found him after he seemed to be arming himself on a one man crusade to end everything I had fought so long to achieve.
“Good day, detective.”