Chapter Text
How someone was legally allowed to be as endearing as Robert was beyond me. It was another one of those days where we were supposed to be watching my sibling, but they seemed to take enough care of themself these days that they didn’t need our constant supervision.
Despite how much I needed to study for the finals, and despite it being quite sealed that Toronto university would take me with open arms even if I failed every single one of them, I knew that bothering Robert was going to be the last straw. We had spent far too long fooling around while his parents had been away and my mother was off at one of her socialite events.
My self control melted away when he propped himself up on the chair, leaning back against one arm while dangling his legs over the other side as his brow furrowed as he became lost in thought, possibly he could have been just as distracted by me as I was with him.
I crawled onto his lap as he sat, his legs draped across the arm of the chair. Robert only looked at me once I placed a finger on the top of the book that he was reading. He looked at me with a slight smile on his face, he didn’t really want anything to do with me at this moment, or at least that was what he was trying to tell me. When in reality I could see the opposite being true.
“James, I have things I need to do,” he stated as I only shook my head, leaning down over him and pushing his book to the ground as I ran my hands up and down his chest. He began panting harshly as I brought my lips to his neck.
“I didn’t know that things was your new nickname for me,” I spoke as I ran my fingers through his hair and he arched his head back following my movement. I leaned forward to kiss his neck and he pushed me back with a stern look in his eyes. Clearly he was going to be stubborn about this which after all seemed fair enough in my eyes. He placed his book in one hand while he somehow managed to pick me up with the others.
I gripped onto him as a child would its mother as he carried us both over to the couch. Gently he set me down first and then lay down beside me. “We can cuddle, nothing more.” He spoke as I pulled a blanket over the two of us. I rested my head on his chest listening to his heartbeat as he continued to study. Eventually I began to feel my eyes beginning to close wishing that we could always live like this. In each other"s arms, where our love was the only thing that we needed…
If only there were a world where what we were wasn’t shunned and where our lovemaking wasn’t illegal. A world where we could act like all other lovers did in broad daylight without the humiliation that it would cause, not to mention, t, the prison sentence. Even if they couldn’t prove that we had slept with each other I am sure that they would be more than happy to see two deviants hang at the end of a rope. They have after all secured punishments with less evidence.
Eventually awoken from my slumber, I felt Robert"s gentle fingers beginning to run through my hair. I moved my head slightly so that I could look up at him. And as our eyes met, it was almost like I could see the future of what our lives could look like together reflected in the way that he looked at me. So filled with adoration… He kissed my forehead as I somehow managed to snuggle closer to him.
Robert pulled the blanket further up so that we were both covered a little more. “Go to sleep my darling.” He ran his finger down from the middle of my eyebrows to the tip of my nose repeatedly. He began to hum a tuneless song as I felt myself beginning to drift back into slumber. The sound of his heartbeat guiding me into a dreamless sleep.
I suppose my mind knew that nothing it could fabricate could be better than this.
𝜮
The professor always looked so put together, even when it appeared as though his eyes were trying to tell me that he had literally just crawled out of bed to speak with me. I had called him in the middle of the night, but what I hadn’t expected was Mister Browning to pick up the phone. It had never truly dawned on me that the two of them might have been closer than I first envisioned.
He combed his hair back with his hand, trying to keep himself from looking impatient as he set the tea tray on the coffee table. I knew that it wasn’t for the best to have caffeine at this time of the night as I had no intention of staying up. Despite the fact that I had seemed to go this far without sleeping all that much anyway.
“Why have you awoken me at this late an hour?” he questioned, however it appeared as though he were not upset with me, almost pitiful in the way that his eyes looked me over. I probably looked just as disheveled as he did, as it is not as though I was worried about my presentation as I left the house… I didn’t exactly have an answer for him. Why did I come here?
I only kept on trying to think about the reason as to why I had come… “Am I a coward?” I asked, unable to look up at him, just looking down into the water contemplating what on earth I was going to do as the tea began to leech into the once pristine steaming liquid.
“What are you talking about, man?” Godfrey seemed all the more frustrated by the way that I had asked the question. As though me even considering myself to be something of the such was completely and utterly ridiculous.
I looked up at the professor with tears in my eyes. “For abandoning him. When he needed me.” It felt like I could barely speak. My entire body began to tremble the more the grief came back, overwhelming me once again.
Based on the silence that filled the sitting room, I could only assume that my former professor had no clue how to respond to what I had said. Perhaps he was trying to digest it. He let out a sigh as the creak of the couch indicated him sitting back in it. Probably in an attempt to get more conformable. “You think yourself a coward?”
My eyes flicked up to where he was sitting, it was strange that he tossed the question back at me as opposed to giving me an answer. If anything it began to spark my anger. “I abandoned him!” I spoke, trying to keep my voice down.
“He loved you, he loved you so much Gillies. You must know that.” He tried to reassure me but it only caused my anger to boil further.
Slamming my fist down at the arm of a chair only for a second before planting it down gently, I could feel myself beginning to cry. “It doesn"t matter how much he did or didn’t love me. I left. Until death do us part, yet I abandoned him right after he was condemned to death.” The look of pity on the professor’s face made my strange swirl of emotions continue to churn as though it were some kind of a rough sea.
“He said once he was thankful that you never came to see him.” He paused for a second as I looked up again wanting to snarl something at him. He must have been making that up. “They broke his arm in two places.” As Professor Godfrey tried to speak he seemed as though he were halting. “They suspected-”
“Of course they did.” I looked up, barely able to keep restraint on my emotions, based on the look the professor was giving me. He seemed slightly intimidated, after all I did manage to take out the head of the department. Should I have gotten too infuriated with him he could have been the next body under my belt. It was easy enough for him to figure it out. “You managed to figure it out, didn"t you?”
“Because you two looked like a young couple so deeply in love with each other it was painful to try to disguise it as brotherly affection.” He stopped and I could see the mourning in his eyes as he tried to think about the situation. “I tried talking to him about it, but there was no stopping him. The way that he spoke about you even as he was about to walk to the noose.” I could hear the mournful way in which he spoke of him. I could not be surprised after all, especially since he did personally choose Robert to be his teachers assistant.
I could feel myself beginning to break as his words continued to flow in little bits. Clearly he appeared to be as emotional about this as I was, which did after all make sense. I took in a deep breath trying to calm myself down, it only seemed to be quelling the Inevitable. “I… I want him back.” I could feel the tears beginning to slip from my eyes and I wiped them away quickly.
“I know,” Professor Godfrey whispered, it was almost unintelligible but I managed to pick up what he was saying. A silence befell the two of us but I was unable to respond with anything, I only brought my hands up to my face trying to shield the sorrow that had taken over my entire being. “I wanted to talk to you about this sooner, but I only felt it right to wait until you were ready.” He finally added breaking the silence that was of course filled with my silent sniffling.
I uncovered my face as I looked up at him, I am sure that I looked a dreadful mess. I hated being this vulnerable with anyone, especially since I had just lost everything. It was difficult judging if I could trust Godfrey or not. Based on how he knew about our secret I had no reason not to.
“It was me,” I blurted out, there was no sense in trying to conceal the truth from him any longer. He deserved to know the truth, Robert wasn’t keeping me out of the equation because the two of us had done it together… “Robert only agreed…. It was all my idea, the timing device, everything.”
The look on Godfrey’s face immediately changed into that of surprise as he watched me begin to spill my guts to him. Or at least he would have testimony that would allow for me to join Robert in whichever afterlife I was sent to. Or at worst we would be separated, after all he did take the fall for me. Perhaps whatever deity was out there would actually see past his being in love with another man and take him in for sacrificing himself for another. Is that not similar to Christian mythology?
He appeared to be speechless, which was something that was extremely out of character for the professor. There was almost always a quip coming from him despite the situation. At least this solidified that Robert had never bothered to tell him the truth. After all if he did there would have been a chance that the testimony could and would have been used against me. To make the sacrifice that Robert had made all in vain.
As I tucked my legs up so that I could try to contain my sorrow, I felt arms wrapping around me. Looking up I noticed that the professor was wrapping his arms around me in an embrace. Only able to look at him I was so stunned by someone who was as cold as Professor Godfrey wrapping his arms around me in an embrace. I barely moved as I felt the tears beginning to flow.
It was like his arms around me opened some kind of a floodgate once again, the same way that I had done when I was with Ruby. “It was all me…” I sobbed as I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my face in his shoulder. Everything that I had been holding back for so long finally came bubbling to the surface. “He did it to protect me-” My voice cracked before I could go on. I could feel the professor gently rubbing circles into my back in an attempt to soothe my anguish.
Pulling out of the hug I only attempted to wipe the tears away from my face but they only kept on coming, wave upon wave of tears that seemed unyielding. “It"s all his fault!”
The professor looked almost concerned as he sat down beside me putting a hand on the side of his face. I had always imagined that this was the kind of thing that a father was supposed to do for his son, but since I had a stunning lack of any kind of kindness from mine how could I be sure?. “Who’s fault, son?” His voice was soft, with concern laced throughout.
“He took everything from me…” My voice shook and broke with every word. Although I didn’t have to clarify as the look my old professor gave me was clear enough that he had figured it out. “It was perfect!” I yelled as my voice cracked once again and Godfrey pulled me into his arms again slowly rocking me faintly.
I was thankful as I was allowed to just cry, instead of having the professor try to reassure me, or worse yet try to rationalize the fact that it would have been next to impossible for me to be able to pull something off without a single piece of evidence being left behind.
“What on earth is-?” I heard the unmistakable voice of my employer from the top of the stairs. He must have stopped when he realized what was going on. Godfrey turned to look at him. “Albert…. I.” He only paused as he looked at someone he probably saw as being constantly calm and collected breaking down into a sobbing mess.
Taking in a couple of shaky breaths I tried to calm myself down. There was no point in looking like a mess around everyone in Toronto, despite losing someone so close to me they would have suspected that I had been shocked that he were capable of something as terrible as murder. I wiped my face on my jacket sleeve.
“Come on, I will take you to bed. The guest room is made up?” Godfrey looked up at Browning who only nodded in response. As he let go of me and stood up he extended a hand for me to grasp. Thankfully he helped pull me to my feet, tossing an arm under my arm to keep me upright as my entire body was trembling. This was the first time that I had ever allowed the mournfulness to completely take over my being.
He strode back up the stairs mumbling to himself. I found it strange that the two of them were living together when I had the chance to think about it. However it was none of my business to be delving into their personal matters. Godfrey gently helped me up the stairs as I could barely catch my own balance, my vision still blurry from the tears that refused to stop coming.
I don’t even remember being helped into the overly comfortable bed. My sleeve was rolled up gently as my employer drew up a syringe. I felt myself immediately beginning to panic, Godfrey however grabbed my hand. “What…” I started and tried to squirm away from my only sense of self preservation that I had left in me
“It"s fine, James, it"s only heroin to calm your nerves. I doubt crying yourself to sleep again would be of any help to you.” I felt the professor’s thumb running over my knuckles gently as I was stuck with the needle. The pinch didn’t even allow me time to fully process the fact that I had been referred to by my first name.
As he brought the needle away immediately I began to feel my eyelids beginning to shut, as though I had somehow had the grief taken from me as though it could have been extracted and placed in a bottle alongside the opioid that they had injected into my system. “Rest son… Just rest.” The professor leaned forward and pushed some of my hair out of my face.
He looked up at Mister Browning and stood up slowly walking out of the room. I was left in darkness and what felt like an uncomfortable amount of silence. However the thing that bothered me the most was that I felt as though a fog had taken root in my mind.
It was as though every single thought or plan that I had fell away, my mind only able to conjure up faint images of Robert. Images that looked as though it were coming from a distorted film, worn by both age and use. Slowly I drifted away into a restless slumber.
𝜮
When the number of miscreants that wandered in through the front door looking for various opioids had skyrocketed over the last couple of days. Despite the fact that they seemed to know full well that I wasn’t just going to hand them out to anyone, it was almost like a game to see who could wear me down first. Phony doctors notes were sitting in a bin in the back, it was a game of sorts. Or at least that is how I preferred to look at it to stop myself from being driven insane. I suspected that the addiction that it caused was much worse than doctors played it out to be. Giving the stuff out though it was candy.
I could feel the injection mark on my arm begin to itch the more that I thought about the opioid that had been injected into me. I wished that I had been asked before they had given me that poison for no good reason. Even if they had wanted me to calm down I could have done it on my own rather than rely on a substance that made me feel as though my mind had been replaced by cotton.
The bell for the door rang once again as I standed close to the filing cabinet placing another one of the patient cases away where it rightfully belonged. I was ever so thankful that I would never have to deal with the files teetering off the top of a table again. I understand it being a fairly new addition to the world of pharmacy, but the last thing I was going to do was have this business fall behind.
“If you have come back again to ask for opioids, I regret to inform you that it is not going-” I turned around and was looking straight at the detective who seemed just as surprised as he gripped the brim of his hat. Clearly he had the intention of taking it off but must have been frozen based on my comment. “Apologies, I thought that you were someone else.”
Clearing his thoughts and finally getting through with the action of removing his hat, he held it close to his chest, as though it were some kind of armour. “If you are having trouble with vagrants, you could give the constabulary a call, Mister Gillies.”
I only rolled my eyes as I leaned against the counter. “If you were unable to spare a constable to look after Ruby after her life had been threatened as she was about to appear as a witness for a high profile case I doubt that you could bother with attempting to chase away some wanderer looking for cheap opioids.” My voice was harsh, I had only wished that the detective had sent one of his loyal dogs to come in place of himself appearing. He was the last person that I had wanted to see, especially after my breakdown.
The detective thought about my words, mulling them over as though they were somehow a riddle that he needed to unwind. “I do apologize about that, it was-”
I only raised my hand in turn. “Please don’t bother with some lame excuse Detective Murdoch, it"s unbecoming of you.” My comment may have been harsh, but my kindness was the last thing that he deserved. “Is not telling a falsehood something that you would consider a sin?” I had to hold my tongue to keep myself from hissing. I knew that adultery was up there as well, and even if he wasn’t the one committing the act he was facilitating it.
He only dipped his head, he knew that his apologies would have no use on me after all, since it wasn’t the offence that he had committed against Doctor Garland that was getting under my skin, little did he know about the truth. Which was probably for the best after all. “If I have been in any way unpleasant to you-”
“No.” I stated flatly. I wasn’t going to spill my guts to him, he could figure out where my disdain lay on my own. He was a detective after all, it should have been easy enough. “Now why have you come? If you don’t have a prescription that needs filling or-”
“I wanted to ask if you wanted to go for tea?” I felt as though the entire room were crumbling around me as he spoke. Was he asking if I wanted to willingly spend more time with him than I had to out of my civic duty. However, my shock prevented me from saying anything in response for a number of seconds. The tick of the clock being the only thing illuminating me to how much time had gone past while I was stunned into silence. “Or perhaps dinner. Or the opera?” He asked as though he were trying to appeal to my better thoughts. I however only let out a little chuckle.
“Are you being serious?” I stood up straight trying to think of a way to respond to him. “Let me put this rather bluntly, I would rather spend more time with Miss Eva Pearce than have to sit through any extent of time with you. Now is there something that I can help you with or were you just here to humiliate yourself?”
Once again a silence befell over the entire building. I could however hear Mister Browning snickering behind me as he continued to work on a fairly complex prescription. I was glad that at least someone managed to appreciate my quick wit, as the detective only seemed to continue to stare at me as though I were a lost puppy.
“Is that a no?” It felt strange for him needing clarification, it seemed so out of character for him. I only raised an eyebrow and he seemed to get the message.
“I am sure that Doctor Ogden would be more than happy to join you.” I am sure that it would allow me some time to get better acquainted with Darcy, who I am sure would be easily seduced into bed with me, Robert had always said that I was ever so irresistible. The pang of pain however wretched throughout my entire being as I thought about him while also lusting over another. Or perhaps the only reason I wanted to sleep with someone else was to prove that I had gotten past the love I had for Robert… When in reality I was still haunted by his death.
Placing his hat back on he turned his back to me, clearly not taking the rejection all that well. Which I suppose is fair, it is not every day that one good looking detective gets rejected by someone. I could only hope that he was propositioning me for some kind of strange friendship between the two of us. As though that could ever happen, I couldn’t stand the man who claimed that he desired to find the truth and yet couldn’t have been bothered.
Grabbing another one of the files that had been laying about I stared at the patient"s name for far longer than was probably expected before sliding open the corresponding cabinet and placing it inside.
“What have you, George?” I was surprised that I could hear the detective’s voice from outside, it was clear that they hadn’t bothered trying to get out of earshot of the shop. However soon after I could hear his voice beginning to grow more and more silent.
My curiosity got the better of me and I placed the remainder of the files onto the cabinet as I stalked over to the window where I could hear them speaking s I got closer.
“Air, I found something in regards to the murder of Mister Hoffman-“ It sounded as though the constable, Crabtree if I am correct, had gotten cut off by the sound of a passing motorcar. It was possibly nothing important after all.
“If you are going to eavesdrop, you may as well do a better job of it.” I turned to look as Browning turned the corner with his eyebrow raised. I only stared back at him with a similar look on my face as the other conversation began to fade into the background.
Folding my arms over my chest I looked him over. “Perhaps it is the heroin you gave me the other night” I was still quite miffed that he had done such a thing, especially since it seems as though Professor Godfrey was the one who had convinced him that it was a good idea to drug the guest.
Perhaps after all it was for the best as I did quite sleep well, it was the first time since my youth where I had been able to dull my mind enough to not have my thoughts whirring about as I continued to contemplate the world in which I found myself in.
“I admit that was against my better judgement, but you must admit that it helped you?” He asked as he stayed in the hallway as though he were waiting for a reason to dismiss himself from the conversation.
“I will never take another opioid again if that answers your inquiry,” I sneered. Which I know is against my better nature, but he had no reason to dismiss me for showing my quick tongue. I am sure that the professor had given him plenty of forewarning about that after all. He had experienced a lot of it first hand if I do so recall.
Mister Browning only chuckled in turn as he turned and strode back off to work. “Be careful, Gillies,” He commented as his voice drifted further and further into the back to continue whatever task he had taken up. I couldn’t blame him for trying to take his mind off of last night"s revelations.
My attention turned back to the conversation taking place outside as the tones of the two began to take that of hushed tones. They had something that they wanted to keep hidden from the world and I was determined to ensure that it didn’t happen. Getting as close as I could to the wall, I pressed my ear against it, being able to make out a couple of words here or there, until of course they were forced to move once again and the conversation came in through one of the vents.
“We haven’t any evidence, sir, but I have come to believe that our victim might have been hanging around with… the wrong crowd.” The constable I believe, it was the only explanation as after all the detective had no reason to address someone of lower rank with that much formality. His voice was much deeper anyways. Not as though I was taking note.
I could hear the disgruntled sigh from the detective, clearly he was sick of the vague descriptions that he was getting, thankfully of course he was much more patient than I. “Please elaborate, George.” His voice was shockingly able to disguise the slight frustration he was feeling, not enough however for him to fool someone who was paying as much attention as I.
“H-h-he was known for fancying a gentleman’s club, if you catch my point sir.” His words seemed to be strained, or at least he was trying to find the best way to explain it. I however managed to pick up on the point and based on the way that the detective responded it was clear that he had figured it out as well.
“Did he have a known lover?” The way that the detective had spoken the word lover made it sound as though it were some kind of a forbidden word. Either that or filled with the same kind of filth that was associated with those who cheated on their spouses, which seemed ironic coming from him. I didn’t hear any kind of reply from the constable so I assumed that he handed him something with the name on it, or some other means of contact for whomever this man"s sweetheart was.
“So he was a homosexual.” I could hear the disdain in the detective"s voice, the sweet drip of hatred in his voice. It was as though I could feel my already quite fragile opinion of him shattering into a million pieces. He was just a hate filled bigot as I had thought that he was, why should I have thought any differently when I found out that he was a Catholic.
It was hammered into their minds that we were sick, instead of feeling love all we wanted was to take the same sex to bed. To fulfill our lustful desires, however this seemed slightly ironic coming from one who was clearly enabling a clear act of adultery. The only thing about his statement that surprised me was that he didn’t refer to him as a sodomite. It seemed all too in character for him to do something as such, after all his kind believed that all we cared about was seducing ones we found attractive into bed with us.
As I slunk back over to the counter my anger coming to a boil I had one important realization. Detective Murdoch found out that not only that Robert and I were not only in a relationship but had been caught which led to us having to destroy the one who was out to ensure that we would never be able to live any semblance of a normal life.
Should he have known the truth he would have been just as trigger happy to ensure that the two of us ended up in prison, which would have destroyed any chance that Robert"s sacrifice would have meant nothing. There is still the potential that it could mean nothing should he find out about it now I am sure that he would happily throw me behind bars for my crime. Yet despite his crimes against Darcy he was still allowed to walk around a free man.
𝜮
“James?” Darcy seemed surprised as he watched me stride in through the door and walk right over to him as though I hadn’t a care in the world for common decency. Which I suppose should be expected as the two of us had become so chummy over the last little while.
“Is your housekeeper present?” I asked, my voice full of hesitancy as I took off my hat and placed it on the counter. Darcy only shook his head in turn.
“No…” It was almost as though he could read my mind as he rushed over to me, wrapping his arms around me and pressing his lips against my own. Why did I have a thing for men that were taller than I? Immediately his slender fingers were tugging at my jacket as he pushed it onto the ground.
He was nowhere near as good a kisser as I was used to but I would have to at least give him a chance to practice on someone who knows full well what a man prefers. “Upstairs?” I asked as I pulled away from him, panting faintly from the exertion. I didn’t even realize that my heart was pounding out of my chest as he ran his hands up and down my back. He only nodded as he gripped my hand and led me upstairs.
Turning around in the doorway, Darcy let go of my hand and I dipped into a bow as though I were about to propose to him. Bringing his hand up to my lips I gave his knuckles a kiss. “Are you sure?” I asked, feeling as though I needed to be sure, but in reality it felt as though I was trying to ask myself more than I was asking Darcy.
Only nodding in turn he ran his fingers through my hair as I straightened up gently pushing my curls out of the shape that I had managed to get them to stick in earlier. Taking the place of his hand was his lips, starting at my temple and making his way to my neck. It was tender and yet still begging for more. He wanted this, he was desperate for me, something I never thought that I would see again.
Pushing me gently backwards until my knees hit the frame of the bed, he pushed me back onto it bringing his lips to my own. I began pulling off his jacket, or at least helping him in that as he pulled my shirt up and ran his hand up and down my bare torso. I couldn’t be surprised he was taking the time to explore my body, he has never been intimate with another man before.
Pulling away for a second, I undid the top button of my shirt once I had loosened my bowtie to go over my head, pulling my shirt off. Darcy shuddered a little bit as he looked at me, his eyes meeting my own as his look grew more and more lustful by the second. I had to do everything in my power to keep from crying out Robert’s name the more that he got to explore every inch of me, I would however end up being the one to school him in these matters if we were to go through with it.
Despite his clear enjoyment of being in control, after he had also removed his shirt, I took things to the next level and switched positions, pinning him down with my knees firmly digging into either side of his hips. “I thought-” He began but I only brought a finger up to his lips. Slowly I lay down on top him so that I was right next to his ear.
“Let me show you,” I purred as I continued to feel his slender fingers exploring my bare torso. I couldn’t exactly explain the shiver that had ran down my spine as he did so. As I straightened up he once again gripped the back of my neck and slammed our lips together, desperate for more, as though he were just as desperate as when he was drunk. Perhaps something about this was more real than even I had figured it was.
Rather than focusing on the half naked figure under me I couldn"t stop my mind from wandering back to thoughts of Robert. Us laying next to each other in the summer sun, our fingers intertwined as we watched the world move all around us. Those moments were stolen in the closet where we had shared our first kiss, when I had first told him that I loved him.
My mind was brought back to the present when Darcy of course wished for things to escalate and since I wasn’t taking my turn to do as he liked he took matters into his own hands. I gasped and was moments away from crying out for Robert again, the only thing being I don’t know what stopped me from doing so.
Before he could fully unsheathe me from my clothing I pulled away from him and got up sitting on the edge of the bed. I felt my partner sit up, propping himself up with his elbows as he rested his chin on my shoulder rubbing my other one with his hand.
“I… I can’t,” I responded as I turned to look at him, feeling the fever from earlier beginning to fade away. The pure anger that drove me to believe that making love would eradicate it had long since faded and it was only replaced with an overwhelming guilt. He put a hand on the side of my face and brought our lips together once more. I pulled away still shaking my head. “I can’t, Darcy,” I responded as I was tempted to push away from him. However, even from where I was I could feel the disappointment. Or perhaps it was something stronger than that, the rejection that he had experienced with his wife he was now going through all again with me.
I turned around immediately to watch him retreat with a nod as he sat on his knees looking down at his fidgeting hands. As though he would be able to find the answer in that. “I was being foolish, I stated as he began to grab his shirt. I reached out and grasped his hand with compassion filling my features.
“Darcy, it"s not you. You know I am still mourning, I thought I was ready.. I was wrong. I am sorry.” I spoke softly as though I were admitting to some kind of a secret. I only hoped that he didn’t turn his disappointment into pure rage, he could after all have ruined me if he so felt like it. At his own expense of course, even if he did manage to convince the authorities that he was the one who had been propositioned he would still be in quite a heap of trouble. It is a hangable offence after all.
He only nodded as he tossed the discarded clothing onto the floor and crawled under the sheets. He left a part of it open and patted the bed as though he were beckoning me to follow him into it. I only shook my head for a second as he let out a sigh. “James, I don’t wish to force you into something you don’t want to do. But it is almost nightfall and I have a feeling neither of us wishes to be alone tonight. Regardless if we…” He trailed off, his inability to speak to what we were about to do was as though he were admitting to sticking his hand in the cookie jar. I took in a deep breath as he did so and crawled in beside him. He gently tossed the blankets over me as I felt the exhaustion beginning to fill my being.
Slowly, Darcy began to trace the tips of my fingers with his own as though it were a deeper exploration of my touch. Or that he could use his own hands to be able to memorize what my fingermarks looked like. Which after all would have been funny, if I had decided to follow through with taking out his wife all those months ago.
“I’m sorry, James.” Darcy finally spoke as he hesitated for a second, looking directly into my eyes. I pushed a strand of hair out of his face with one of my fingers. “I am sorry about everything.”
“Please don’t blame yourself,” I started flatly as I intertwined our fingers. I truly wasn’t ready to move on like this. He was my first after all, it wasn’t easy to just move on from the death of someone who had meant so much to me. Despite how handsome the basic stranger beside me looked in the evening glow of the sun.
Seeing the very window that I had almost crawled through not all that long ago threatened to send a shiver through my spine. I doubt that anyone of any interest would be coming after Darcy anytime soon, who would have a vendetta against him anyways? Other than perhaps the detective. But he was far too much of a pacifist to partake in murder, if anyone however he might have been the one who could commit the perfect murder.
“I have to admit, I am frightened.” He spoke softly still as though he were still afraid someone might catch us. Something I remember hearing in Robert’s voice every once in a while. There were only a few occasions that the two of us would actually feel as though we were truly alone.
I only chuckled as I listened to his confession, of course he was frightened by the possibility of being in bed with the likes of me. After having to spend time with a woman feeling the love of a man must have been quite the treat. “Rightfully som” I purred as though I were about to take up what I had previously done but actually go through with making love to the doctor. “I should be going.” I moved as though I were about to get up when Darcy grabbed my hand.
“Would you stay with me?” he pleaded, his eyes turning to the size of saucers to try to appeal to me. Why on earth did it actually work? That is all that I have to ask. With a smile and a curt nod I lay back down beside him curling up at his side and resting my head on his chest as our fingers interlaced.
Looking up at him I paused for a second. “As long as you don’t mind if a cat decides to join us?” I more just kind of stated than asked, he didn’t wish for me to leave after all. Why on earth would he have wanted me to stay since he seemed more than aware that my cat would probably not be too far behind me.
Based on the chuckle that Darcy let out I assumed that it was a yes. He only kissed the top of my head as he began to play with my hair faintly. Why was it something that he finds charming about me? Or rather what at all did he find so charming about me when he had a woman such as Doctor Julia Ogden. Despite my lack of interest in the fairer sex, I could appreciate it when one was particularly attractive.
I listened to his heartbeat as the sun began to fade from view and darkness took over the room that we had occupied. It didn’t take long for the doctor to fall asleep, it was as though he were longing to be able to hold someone that he cared about while he slept once again. My own eyelids began to droop as I continued to listen to his beating heart.
It didn’t take long for sleep to take me to the depths of my unconscious, a place I had always feared of what it could possibly present. Either my wildest dreams or my darkest nightmares… Both of which seemed to be a reality.
𝜮
Darcy placed the tray down between the two of us, it seemed nice enough of him to give his housekeeper the day off. After all she would have asked too many questions about the two of us being together in the morning looking as disheveled as we did. He planted a gentle kiss on my cheek as he sat down across from me in a comfortable looking chair.
“I have finally come to a decision James,” he stated as he mixed in the milk and sugar; it was impressive actually that he had remembered how I had liked my tea, that and my adamant disdain for coffee. I grabbed the cup with the plate and egged him on with a simple raising of my eyebrows. I was curious after all what he was going to divulge to me. What was it that seemed so important to him? “I am going to grant Julia a divorce,” he stated almost more flatly than I would have expected.
Had I not swallowed my tea a fraction of a second prior to him speaking I may have spat it all over him. Something I am sure could have spun into something of the sultry nature as I had done before, but it was not something that I was proud of. “A divorce,” I choked.
He only gave me a solemn nod as he took a sip out of his cup. The papers that had been sitting on the side table of the bed begun to paint a picture in my mind. He clearly was unsure if he wanted to go through with it or not, why on earth would he suffer the scandal because his wife was off with someone else. “You really should have divorced her already,” I commented, It was easy getting him on my side. Almost too easy.
Darcy raised his eyebrows as he looked over at me, his oblong face plastered with a smug smile. I did have a point and he seemed to finally have an understanding for that. “She only began this sordid affair after she spoke of her desire for divorce. However, I never stopped noticing how that detective looked at her.” He snarled as he took another sip. “If she desires to act like a hussy she may as well be labelled as such.”
Such an insult sounded as though he were really truly having my traits rub off on him. I never thought that I would see the day that the straight edged paediatrician would ever begin to take on some of my traits. “Harsh words.” I paused as a silence filled the room between the two of us. I however leaned forward to place the cup down as I had finished it. “But what made you change your mind?”
“You.” He spoke flatly as he looked me over as though he could memorize every single little intricacy. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was, after all, trying to study everything that he could before he turned me into the police or something. Considering how much he wanted me last night I have been beginning to doubt he was playing the long game. “I saw what a romance could be with you James and… It"s more than I could have ever wished for.” He paused for a second. “I realize that it must seem as though I just want to partake in carnal activities but you must know that you mean so much more than that to me.”
The way that he had looked at me with his eyes wide I was unable to resist him, I leaned forward and planted a gentle kiss on his lips. He only closed his eyes in enjoyment as he rubbed my forearm gently before pulling away. “I would much rather be with you. I would suffer the scandal to be with you… Besides, Detective Murdoch has been at the centre of my misfortunes for far too long. May as well give him what he wants.”
I found it strange that he didn’t speak about what his wife had wanted, she after all should have been the one that he was much more focused on. The look Darcy was giving me indicated that he no longer cared what she had wanted out of the relationship. “I am honoured that I am the one.” He put a hand on the side of my face as he began caressing my cheek with his thumb. It did feel strange however that I seemed to be the only one looking out for the doctor’s sanity in all of this. However her discontent with her husband showed that clearly she couldn’t have cared less if she were divorced or not. It was what she had asked for, may as well finally give that to her.
I was still slightly confused about why he was so convinced that I was the one who was going to change everything for him. Or perhaps he was just experimenting with me and would toss me aside like a worn dishrag once he was done with me. Whatever that was supposed to mean.
“Is that an acceptance of my proposal?” he asked. I froze in turn once I took the chance to soak in what he had said. A proposal? Was he trying to ask that I marry him? Even if it were legal it seemed as though it were far too soon for the two of us to become engaged.
“Proposal?” My inquiry was laced with fear. I attempted to hide it, but there was no point in doing so as I was sure that Darcy would have seen right through it. He didn’t know me as well as some of the others in my life, and yet he seemed to be able to read me like a book.
“That we begin a relationship, A real relationship. I of course have little experience with this, but I long to be nearer to you James. If you would have me.” I brought my own hand up to place it onto of his still resting on my cheek. I nodded fairly.
“Of course I will.” The only thing was, I wasn’t even sure if I was lying to him or not. However as I continued to think about the proposition the more worried I began to get. “Darcy...” I could see the way that he was looking up at me, his eyes wrought with worry which I suppose was normal after all. “I... I"m still mourning the loss of my first partner. I don’t know what I was thinking last night, but... I need time.”
“I will give you all the time in the world.” He leaned forward once again and kissed my cheek. I suppose he did have the time to mourn the loss of his wife given the way that he was reacting, or perhaps it would hit him once the divorce proceedings were going through. “I do apologize if-” he began but I brought a finger to his lips. It was none of his doing after all. I pulled his hand off of my cheek and held it gently. Rubbing my thumb over his knuckles.
“There is no need for you to apologize.” Planting a gentle kiss and as I pulled away I could see that based on the look in his eyes he was begging me for more. Desperate for something real when he had spent so long with a wife who despised him for not allowing her to pursue her lustful desires. Or rather that is all I could assume that it was, after all why would one marry someone they were not ready to spend the rest of their days with. Perhaps it has become something trivial to care about choosing a proper partner.
𝜮
I handed the manilla envelope back to Darcy, the papers he had asked me to look over to ensure that everything had been signed. He gripped my hand and I looked up at him, tilting my head to the side as he did so. Based on the look that he was giving me I could tell immediately that he wanted to kiss me then and there.
“You need to stop worrying. Everything is in order, you should be thankful that she isn’t trying to take everything you own,” I stated flatly as I pulled out of the touch, I didn’t want to do anything that would potentially incriminate the two of us. “Good luck,” I wished as I stepped away from him, after all the remainder of the divorce had to be completed by him and him alone. It did feel strange wishing him luck for something as painful for him as a divorce, thankfully he as well as his wife have relationships to walk into after.
After the door to the courtroom had swung shut behind Darcy I decided that I had better things to do than just stand around and await the return of my newly unwed Darcy Garland. I made my way down to the Don river; it would at least give me some time to clear my constantly whirring thoughts.
The sound of the water crashing against the rocks was something that I had always found to be soothing. Especially since it usually came with the unmistakable sound of rocks skipping across the surface and Robert"s laughter as he watched me fail miserably. I thumbed over the rock that I had picked up, assessing how smooth it was before attempting the throw.
“Who knew James Gillies, criminal mastermind, was such a good rock skipper.” I turned around to face the one who had spoken to me, it was obvious from the first word who was attempting to crack some kind of a cruel joke. Since when was I considered to be a criminal mastermind? If of course he had managed to figure out that it had all been me I suspected the first words out of his mouth would have been ‘James Gillies you are under arrest’.
Turning to look at the intruder I narrowed my eyes. “Have you always been this abysmal at telling jokes?” I stated as I continued to thumb over the rock, as though I could get rid of all of the imperfections in it with mere thought alone. The detective looked down for a moment, as though he were unable to make eye contact with me.
“Indeed.” It seemed almost out of character for him to agree with me about something so deliberately meant to be an insult. Either that or he hadn’t bothered to pick up on it, for whatever reason. He was probably convinced that I was behind something or other and wanted to ensure that I was behind bars.
After a few moments the two of us were just staring at each other. I quickly began to push past him, no longer wanting to be standing in his presence, there was no point. Especially since if I knew if he were to find the truth I would be thrown in prison or worse, thrown to the noose.
“James, wait.” He spoke softly, almost as though he were just waking and trying to call a fleeing lover. I however froze in my tracks and turned to face him my anger once again beginning to boil as though I were listening to him repeat the word homosexual with such disdain.
My lip curled. “You will refer to me as Mister Gillies, and Mister Gillies alone. You have not earned even a smidge of my respect, let alone enough to call me by my given name.” I could see the light in his eyes beginning to fizzle out as I scalded him. Whatever intentions he had he must have realized that I had no interest in humouring him.
“My apologies.” His words were stilted, unsure. Clearly he had no idea how to respond to me, as though I were some strange creature that he came across in the depths of the forest that he had hoped would answer the questions about the meaning of life. I would have been lying if I wasn’t in the least bit curious as to what he wished to speak with me about, but I didn’t have the patience to have to listen to his blathering in order to figure out what it was.
“I have places to be detective, if you will excuse me,” I spoke flatly before beginning to walk off, however once again he was determined to stop me before anything had happened. I turned back to look at him, the anger continuing to burn in my stomach. “What could you possibly desire? After all, you are about to get everything you have ever wanted.”
“I doubt you would believe that my desires have changed.” He sounded pained when he spoke to me. As though it were something that I could understand, perhaps in some senses I did after all. I had loved Robert and now I was agreeing to pursue a relationship with another.
“I will not pretend to understand whatever you are trying to imply. Regardless, I have very little intention to listen to you speaking further on the subject.” I hissed. “How much you have hurt Darcy and yet you treat him with sarcasm, as though he were the one who had been sitting the wrong way when he had only married a woman he thought had loved him. Unless you plan on proving that to be a crime or anything that I have done a crime I would rather not continue this conversation.”
“He refused her a divorce until recently!” I had never heard the detective speak anything other than a harsh word or two when he had gotten angry with Robert upon the ruse of attempting to make it look as though I had been out to kill him. “On the grounds that if he couldn’t have her no one could.”
“He made the promise until death do us part, is a good Catholic such as yourself admitting to not knowing of one of the sacred vows of marriage?” It would have been ironic should I, a homosexual, have been correct. That I understood the meaning of being in a committed relationship when the relationship that I had been in would never have been sanctioned by the god he so adamantly believed in. “Aren’t your kind not permitted to marry divorcees?” I asked ,my voice just as harsh as it had been prior.
I could see the sorrow in his eyes as I spoke, as though I were stirring the pot of his emotions that I am sure he had spent countless hours mulling over. “If you believe me not to have been troubled by this you are very much mistaken,” the detective spoke, his voice pained. I only wish that some part of me could have cared about his misfortunes. I only tilted my head faintly as I listened to his complaints.
Taking in a deep breath to try to quell my anger, I spoke again. “And yet you are still willing to allow Doctor Ogden to go through with said divorce, I am sure at your insistence.” It is not as though I saw her as unable to be autonomous, clearly she had proven that enough times over but I had no intention of allowing his part in all of this to go unnoticed.
“It is at her insistence, I begged her not to.”
I only chuckled faintly as I tossed my head back. “Oh of course you did.” I looked down at him through my eyelashes as I could feel everything beginning to surface. “Because those hotel records indicating the affair clearly showed how much you wished for her to stop caring about her sordid feelings.” I gestured to him.
It was clear that he was beginning to realize how right I was, how what he had done was doing wrong by Darcy more so than doing wrong by any deity whom they had sealed their vows in front of. He was right there and science was more than able to prove that perhaps the world hadn’t been created by a divine entity who also created those that he claimed to hate for something beyond their control.
“You think that I would….” He stopped for a second, almost aghast that I must have held such a horrible opinion of him. As far as I was concerned all he was doing was digging the grave for himself. Perhaps if he kept on digging he would have ended up at the centre of the earth should that have been possible.
“I much more than just think that you would, this is enough proof to have someone hanged if of course it were in such a context.” My response was curt, I hadn’t intended to cause him any pain but I would be lying if I had not been thrilled with the idea of wounding him with my tongue. “And yet you feign innocence, how adorable.”
“Just as you did after your friend murdered your professor.” I could hear the slight dissonance in his voice, as though he thought it to be a clever comeback to my comment. Despite the fact that it was two years ago.
“Bringing up old sins, quite mature of you detective, I should assume that you realize that this means that you are admitting to me being right in my deductions.” They weren’t just deductions of course, there was plenty of evidence backing it up. I didn’t want to dig up the old wound. “The only thing I have yet to figure out is motive.” I looked him up and down.
“Should it not have been obvious?” he stated as though he were trying to prove I was not as clever as he. Or rather the fact that I had overlooked something in all of this.
“No one can ever be sure of motive without a confession.” Something he should know full well, despite what one might have been able to figure out through the evidence, often there was some wild story behind their actions. Something I had learned fully well over the years.
He only raised an eyebrow as he looked at me, the shame melting away into something I could only assume was admiration. “Chief constable Giles was right about you, you would make a fine detective.”
I narrowed my eyes as I looked at him, directly in his eyes. “Are you telling me that you want me to work under you, for you to order me around as though I were one of your trained dogs?” My voice was full of less malice than I had intended and I stepped closer to the detective. As I realized what I had done I took a step back from where I was. “So what was it then?”
“A choice, conscience over duty. In choosing to follow my better conscience, I.…” I saw him continuing to have thoughts swirl about in his eyes. He wasn’t sure how to continue, then again I still doubted his story. Or perhaps he was more of a coward than I could have ever imagined.
“I didn’t think that you had such a thing,” I stated in turn. After all, would someone with a conscience be able to encourage one already married to another to betray their partner in the most heinous way possible? Something that I could never have even thought of doing during the five years that both myself and Robert had been together.
The detective grasped my wrist gently and looked directly at me with his eyes filled with swirling emotion as well as his own intelligence. It was strange, how in the fraction of a second a single choice made by someone can alter the course of another life. I would never forget this one in particular when the detective pulled me closer to him and he pressed his lips against my own.
I wished to try to push him off of me, but slowly I melted into his embrace as he placed his other hand on my hip. Pulling me closer to him as my eyes began to flutter shut, I would have hated myself if I had come to admit that some piece of me genuinely enjoyed the kiss. He was warm, tasting slightly of aftershave as his tongue brushed against my lips.
Shockingly enough I didn’t even think for a second about the thought that we were out in public and should we have been seen it would have been the end for both of us. More importantly the end of any hope for the future of his career. Once one was outed to not fit the social norm, no matter what good they had done for said society they would be cast out without a second thought. Degraded to an ex-convict for a single moment.
What had possibly shocked me the most about my own behaviour was that the longer we were locked, the more I began to warm up to the embrace. I actually leaned into the kiss, kissing him back even. As my tongue darted out to meet his own I didn’t even think about who it was I happened to be locked in an embrace with him.
The moment that we had found ourselves in felt as though it had been elongated to months or even perhaps years by the time the detective had pulled away from me a faint blush coating his cheeks as he looked up at me, his eyes gleaming with something that I had never seen before. I would hesitantly think that the look was unbecoming of him.
Once my thoughts had finished spinning around the more animalistic part of my brain as I assessed the kiss I realized the great significance that it held between the two of us, and not only that but those that were currently getting a divorce in order to pursue further relationships with both of us. As it hit me, I leapt back from him still feeling as though I had been hit by a train running at full steam.
I would be lying if I had said that I had the exact thing to respond to this situation by leaping onto my tongue and making itself known to the world. Instead I was completely and utterly speechless. Especially after the way I had heard him talk about homosexuality before he seemed to show so much disdain for anyone who showed attraction to the same sex.
Hearing what sounded like a stifled cry from up above I looked to see that Darcy was standing on the bank of the river looking straight at the two of us. It was apparent based on the look on his face that he had seen what we had just done, the horror in his eyes alluding to the betrayal that I had seemed to have committed against him. After all he was leaving his wife so that she could be with said detective and here I was, kissing him.
I had the desire to call out to Darcy to try to explain myself to him, instead however I remained speechless, rooted in the ground and unable to move. As though this entire moment has been encased in lead, preventing me from acting in reaction to what had just transpired.
My eyes however turned back to the detective as my anger began to heat up once more as he continued to look at me with that depraved gaze of what I could only consider to be some form of terrible acting to make it look as though he were completely and utterly enamoured with me. “Are you not content with taking his wife away?” I snarled as I pulled my arm out of his grip.
Thankfully my senses came to me as I began to take steps away from him. Despite the look of longing that he was giving me. I shivered faintly as I shook my head, he wasn’t even able to respond to me when I had confronted him with the fact that I clearly knew that he had some kind of grudge against Darcy. “I truly will never understand you,” I responded, the grief becoming evident in my voice. He of course took my second chance at a relationship away from me with his impulsive actions.
“James, James please!” The detective pleaded with me as though he could sway my opinion on him with just a few words. However I stopped in my tracks once I heard him refer to me with my first name. My hand balling up into a fist.
“That is Mister Gillies to you, Detective,” I hissed repeating my sentiment once again, why of course I had to repeat myself I could never be sure. He was supposed to be good at his job and would not my clear vindication for being called by my given name be something important for him to note?