Archive of Our Own ^beta

It’s nearly impossible to spot an accident before it happens. You don’t get into a car with the intention to get in a fender bender, don’t chop up vegetables for dinner with the plan of slicing your finger open, or walk down the stairs and think “You know what would be fun? Tripping!”

Luke insists this thing with Ashton is just another accident that he didn’t ever imagine happening. He’d hoped for it, yes, but he never thought that anything outside of friendship was ever possible with him.

When Luke was just a lowly freshman, straight out of high school with not a single friend on campus, he was miserable. He spent his time cooped up in his room counting down the days until winter break so he could go home for a while, despite the fact that he lived no more than twenty minutes away from campus and his mom is the head of the psych department. She had insisted that he needed to stay on campus, to get the “total college experience” and wouldn’t bring him home until the holidays for that exact reason. However, she did try to help by suggesting he meet up with a student taking her Adolescent Psych course, determined that he would be a great friend for Luke to have on campus.

The idea of his mother introducing him to people at college made Luke feel like a child at first, but agreeing to have lunch with that Ashton kid was the best decision he could have made. Ashton immediately made him feel right at home and helped him branch out, introducing him to another struggling student named Calum, who quickly became one of Luke’s closest friends, too.

But Ashton stuck by Luke’s side even after introducing him to Calum, making sure that he was available to help Luke out in any way possible. Their friendship blossomed quickly, and if Luke developed a crush on the upperclassman, who was to blame him? Ashton was all honey glistening curls and fine laugh lines, the human embodiment of sunshine wrapped up into a virtually perfect package. He was friends with everyone and anyone and the life of any party. Everyone idolized him, Luke included.

Luke was lucky to be able to stick in Ashton’s orbit through his first year. So how was he supposed to say no when the object of his affection tossed him the idea of being friends with benefits in his second?

”We’re both single, we know we’re compatible as friends, what harm could it do? Just a way to blow off steam,” Ashton had said one late night in his room with Luke sitting comfortably in his bed at the beginning of the fall semester.

If it’s the only way that Luke would ever be able to have Ashton, then so be it.

It’s a dangerous game they’re playing, with Luke satisfying one part of his desires but completely ignoring the part that yells, screams, that he wants something more than tangled limbs after midnight, while Ashton is none the wiser.

It’s fine, he tells himself. Everything will be fine.

Ashton’s room is Luke’s favorite place to hang out on campus, mostly because the senior scored a single this year, so there isn’t anyone else to bother them when they hang out. Not that Luke dislikes his roommate Michael, but he plays video games almost all day long and yells at the screen, making it really damn hard to have a normal conversation while he’s in the room.

So Luke finds himself sitting on Ashton’s floor more often than not. His room is a perfect depiction of who he is as a person, filled with trinkets and photos and just things everywhere that show off the inner workings of his mind. Assorted textbooks litter the desk and bookshelf in absolutely no proper order while every single hoodie and coat that Ashton owns lays across the singular armchair in the corner of the room.

The walls are plastered with portraits, artwork, and notes, all aiding Ashton's search to figure out his own mind through psychology, or so he says. Luke can’t say that he necessarily understands what the fuck Ashton is blabbering on about, mostly just nodding along as he spills information about his final project of the Psychology of Love and Attraction. He’s been pouring his heart and soul into this assignment for the whole of his senior year so far and Luke has been happy to encourage his soul searching journey through his work as he sits on the floor and tries to decipher his own data sciences courses.

Luke thumbs through his textbook while lounging on his stomach alone in Ashton’s room, waiting for him to come back from a meeting with his capstone advisor. Their long standing Thursday dinners are one of the things that Luke looks forward to most each week after they fell into this routine during Luke’s freshman year. When classes and obligations may keep them apart for days on end, they at least make sure to keep every Thursday night free so they can spend time together, just the two of them. Secretly, it’s Luke’s favorite day of the week, always most satisfied when he has Ashton’s attention all to himself.

He’s torn from his daydream as Ashton comes into the room, dropping his backpack by the door and flinging himself back onto the floor with a certain sense of desperation that Luke has come to know as his “My Advising Meeting Went Poorly” angst.

“What happened this time?” Luke asks in lieu of a greeting, shutting his textbook in favor of sitting up to get a better look at Ashton. His eyes are shut but his shoulders are tense, drawn up around his face.

“Jamie fucking tore into my paper. Gave me about ninety things to revise and told me to rework the entirety of my research analysis. Said it looked jumbled and unprofessional.”

“Ouch,” Luke sympathizes, nodding in false understanding. He’s never dreamed of doing the work that Ashton is doing, finding it far too hard and frustrating to even attempt at understanding the ins and outs of the human brain. Any psychologist of any type deserves all the praise in the world for comprehending the bullshit in people’s minds.

“I have two months to get it together before it’s due to the review board. Because if it stays in its current shape, I’m not getting into the Master’s program and I might as well drop out now because there’s no coming back from that.”

“That’s a bit dramatic?”

“Hardly,” Ashton moans, opening his eyes and shifting his head to look at Luke. “What have you been up to?”

“Reading, kinda. Mostly zoning out.”

Ashton makes a noise of understanding in the back of his throat and rolls his head like he’s attempting to loosen up the muscles there as he sits up. The grimace on his face is a telltale sign of just how stressed out Ashton really is as he massages his neck lightly.

“Can I help?” Luke asks before he can chicken out, nodding at the way that Ashton is holding his neck.

“Hmm?”

“Let me give you a massage?”

“Are you just trying to get me in bed?” Ashton jabs, though he’s smiling through his pain.

“No!” Luke says quickly, eyes widening in emphasis, “Fuck, no, I just wanted to help you!”

Ashton laughs, shaking his head in amusement. “Sure, whatever you say. But yeah, if you want to. I won’t ever turn down getting your hands on me.”

“You’re horrible,” Luke says as he pushes himself off the floor, standing and offering a hand to Ashton.

He makes quick work of laying on his stomach on the bed, giving Luke a view of the swell of his ass as he settles. His thighs will provide the perfect cushion for Luke to sit on while he kneads into Ashton’s back, he thinks as he climbs up onto the bed and swings a leg over Ashton’s body. He takes his position, ending up a little more on Ashton’s ass than his thighs, punctuated by a soft groan from Ashton.

“Did I hurt you?” Luke asks.

Ashton’s voice is muffled by the pillow, but Luke catches the “nope” nonetheless. Luke leans forward, resting both his hands at the base of Ashton’s neck, right below the condor tattoo that inks the skin there, Luke’s favorite place to kiss in passionate moments. He presses lightly, testing out how much pressure he’ll need to put on in order to elicit some kind of reaction from Ashton.

The little hisses that Ashton lets out every so often motivates Luke to continue, moving his hands down Ashton’s shoulder blades and back up again, working through any knots that he encounters on his path. Ashton’s small noises eventually turn increasingly louder and louder, until he’s lifting his body up off the mattress and flipping over onto his back in a semi-fluid movement, startling Luke.

“Hey!” Luke protests as he straddles Ashton’s waist now, though his protest is lost as Ashton pulls his body down to capture his lips. And well. That might not be how Luke was intending this to go when he very genuinely offered to help Ashton, but he’s not too mad about the progression.

Ashton nips at his bottom lip as they kiss, running his tongue along the bite as Luke gasps and unconsciously rolls his hips down. He’s starting to get hard, invested in where this is leading as he ducks his head down to mouth at Ashton’s collar bone, just light enough to feel nice but not enough to leave a mark. Never enough to leave a mark.

Ashton’s hands find Luke’s back, pressing him down into his chest harder as he rolls his own hips up in pleasure, sighing into the feeling. Luke smiles at the way he’s able to make Ashton react, still straddled perfectly over his lower body as they move together.

“Wait,” Ashton interrupts, pushing Luke back. Luke sucks in a few deeper breaths at the pause and cocks an eyebrow. “Dinner time.”

Luke laughs incredulously. “Are you serious? As if there isn’t something a little better than dinner happening right now?”

Ashton smirks, leaning up to ghost his lips across Luke’s, featherlight and teasing. “Nothing is more important than our Thursday night dinner, Luke, you know that.” He taps Luke’s hip before moving to sit up, not even giving Luke the time to move himself as he’s being knocked off Ashton’s lap and onto the plush mattress.

Ashton hops off the bed and leaves Luke sitting there, half hard and panting, as he moves to find his shoes. “Come on Lu, don’t wanna miss out on getting our usual table.”

Luke thinks he might love him.

Nothing really changes, at least not in a monumental way. Luke still spends most of his free time daydreaming about what it would be like to walk across the quad with Ashton’s hand clasped around his, tethering them together for all to see. He imagines what it would be like to sit at the dinner table and hook his ankle around Ashton’s. He yearns to kiss him goodbye at the door to his classes.

It’s fucking cheesy.

But that’s what Ashton does to him, reduces him down to a sweet sticky syrup. Luke wonders if he’s the flavor Ashton would want to put in his morning coffee.

They still get dinner every Thursday. Luke still spends most of his time in Ashton’s room, even when he’s not there. Luke still spends most of his time under Ashton when he is there.

It works, mostly.

But then why is Luke still so hollow? He’s got the guy, at least in the physical way. He’s got him in an emotional way too, but that’s between friends. And therein lies the problem, because how do you get over a crush that you’re still with all the time?

It’s not even that he’s afraid of Ashton rejecting him, but instead it’s what happens if it all goes south? He’s already going to lose Ashton physically after this year, he can’t lose the friendship too. That would just be too much to handle.

But at the same time, he can’t stop thinking about what it would be like to wake up next to Ashton and be able to press a kiss to his lips, rather than waking up in his own bed after a late night booty call with the memories of the night before as the only proof that it even really happened.

It’s these thoughts that have him complaining to Calum and Sierra at lunch.

“You need to just tell him you wanna do more than just fuck,” Calum says around a mouthful of sandwich. A crumb falls from the corner of his mouth while he chews.

“Or,” Sierra says, shooting Calum a look, “you ask him if he’s entertained the idea of being in a relationship before.”

“Same thing,” Calum says.

“Yeah, but,” Luke starts, but Sierra stops him with a hand on his.

“No buts, you’ve been obsessed with him since the day you met, you either need to make a move or get over him, because it’s clearly not going to happen on its own.”

“She’s right, Ashton is too far into his capstone to even think about that right now, but if you brought the idea to him, I’m sure he would be into fucking with feelings.”

“Eloquently said,” Luke mutters, but he’s nodding his head regardless. “Yeah, I probably just should. What’s the worst that could happen? We keep fucking with the knowledge that I wanna date and he doesn’t?” It’s slightly bitter at the corners, but Luke can’t help but be a little pessimistic about the situation.

“He’s not gonna say no,” Calum says, shrugging as he takes a sip of his soda. “He’s clearly attracted to you, for some reason, if he’s been fucking you for months. He definitely likes you since he spends all his free time with you. So all you add into that is a little more PDA and voila, boyfriends.”

Luke hums into his pasta, letting Calum’s words sink into his brain. They kinda make sense, surprisingly. What’s the harm in shooting his shot when he’s already at least eighty percent to a relationship?

“Okay,” Luke says, smiling weakly, “I’ll try. Next time I get him alone, I’m gonna lead with that.”

“Atta boy!” Calum cheers, while Sierra fondly rolls her eyes. Luke’s truly lucky to have such amazing friends.

“Now,” Calum says, grinning mischievously, “you said no to a threesome before because you weren’t together, does that mean we can revisit the idea?”

Nevermind.

It turns out, Luke absolutely does not get the chance to ask Ashton as soon as they next get time alone. Because what started with Luke innocently reading his textbook on Ashton’s bed in the middle of the afternoon ended with Ashton attaching his lips to Luke’s before he had a chance to say a single word.

Who is Luke to deny making out with Ashton in favor of talking about feelings?

The first words Luke really gets to say are, “What’s gotten into you today?” Which is immediately followed by Ashton’s, “Been thinking about getting my hands on you all day.”

And that erases all thought of relationships from Luke’s head.

Instead, the thoughts are replaced by a string of moans as Ashton grabs ahold of him through his pants while he nips at Luke’s slightly exposed collar bone, but not hard enough to leave a mark. Never hard enough to leave a mark.

“Oh,” Luke sighs, tilting his head back at the sensation. He’s roused from his euphoric state quickly, getting his arms around Ashton’s shoulders in an attempt to pull him closer. They tumble back on the bed, Luke kicking out his leg to get the books off the mattress to give them more space.

“Off,” Ashton mumbles against his mouth, tugging on the side of Luke’s joggers before licking into Luke’s mouth once before pulling away.

“Yes,” Luke pants, lifting his hips up as Ashton hooks his fingers into both of his layers, dragging them down until they get caught around his ankles. He yanks on the ends, doing nothing more than just pulling on Luke’s feet rather than actually making progress at removing the clothes.

“Are you struggling?” Luke says through a laugh, sitting up to help Ashton.

“Don’t make fun of me or I won’t suck your dick.”

“Who said I was making fun of you!” Luke cries, “I just noticed that you were-” His complaint is cut off by Ashton licking up Luke’s dick before swiftly getting to work on what he was intending to do.

Luke adjusts his legs to allow Ashton more space, chest already heaving by the time Ashton gets his mouth fully around Luke, hollowing out his cheeks as he bobs his head. He’s unnecessarily good at what he does, knowing just how to move his tongue to have Luke borderline sobbing in a matter of minutes.

“Ashton,” Luke pants, grabbing a handful of his mop of hair in his hand, tugging slightly in the way that he knows Ashton likes. He’s rewarded with a pleased hum from Ashton, sending electricity shooting up Luke’s abdomen from the sensation.

“Fuck,” he tacks on, closing his eyes to stop from letting go just at the sight of Ashton’s lips sliding down over his dick.

A slight pinch disrupts the pleasure, with Luke’s eyes flying open as he looks down at Ashton, who has an eyebrow raised threateningly. It’s a look Luke knows well enough by now, one that means Ashton wants his eyes on him, no matter how good he’s feeling. He wants to know that Luke is enjoying it by more than just his noises.

The thought makes Luke moan a little louder, just a touch more desperate as Ashton squeezes what isn’t in his mouth as he sucks on the head. He pops off for a moment, using his spit as lubrication to slide his hand up and down while he catches his breath. Without another word, Ashton winks and ducks down again, taking Luke completely into his throat with one slick movement.

Luke cries out as he clutches the comforter, tapping on Ashton’s shoulder in their unspoken way of “you need to stop now before it’s too late.” Except Ashton doesn’t stop, instead opting to bob his head up and down fully again not once, not twice, but three times, until Luke is genuinely sure he’s about to start crying from the need to let go as he tries desperately to hold on.

“Off,” Luke manages to sob out, struggling against his instinct to shut his eyes and succumb to the euphoria.

Ashton rolls his eyes as he finally relents, instead thumbing over the head of Luke’s dick once, sending him into bliss with a shout of Ashton’s name. It’s only then that Luke’s eyes finally shut as he quivers through the orgasm, leaving him boneless and breathless on the mattress.

“Since when do you boss me around like that?” Ashton laughs as he hops off the bed to clean his hand.

“Since when do you try to hold me on the edge so long?” Luke shoots back, blinking up at the white popcorn ceiling.

“Thought it would be fun to spice things up a little.”

“Calling me boring?”

Ashton grins as he sits on the edge of the bed again. “Not a chance babe, but if you’re not a fan of it, I won’t do it again.”

“Never said that,” Luke mutters under his breath, shaking his head at Ashton as he moves to return the favor. Ashton’s hand stops him.

“Nah, that was about you. Not really in the mood for a blowjob myself.”

“Who the fuck are you and what have you done with Ashton?” Luke laughs, reaching down to pick up his pants.

The strange sensation that this was more than just a friends with benefits situation hits him then, reminding Luke what exactly he was here for. Before Ashton has a chance to add on a quip of his own, Luke interrupts again. “Oh, wait, there was something I wanted to talk to you about actually.”

“Oh great, I suck your dick and now you’re gonna tell me you don’t wanna do this anymore?” Ashton jokes, though there’s a very thin veil of nerves behind his voice.

“No, I actually uh. I wanted to see how you felt about maybe being more than just this?”

Ashton’s eyes widen in surprise, barely masking the hesitancy that came with the question. “More than this?” he echoes, fiddling with the skin around his fingernail.

“Yeah, I mean. I was thinking how we’re already basically there? Like we have the physical part down, we already are best friends and I know I want to spend all my time with you, so why not take it a step further? Unless you don’t have feelings for me like that, which is fine, we can keep going the way we’ve been doing, I just liked the idea of having a better title than friends with benefits or something.”

Ashton snickers at the way Luke babbles through his worries, smiling softly, though a touch reserved, at Luke. “No, don’t worry, it’s not because I don’t like you. If I didn’t like you, I wouldn’t have kept hanging out with you after last year. And I like kissing you. And fucking you, among many other things.”

“Charming,” Luke inserts, though his heartbeat is steadily increasing in anticipation. This seems like steps in the right direction, standing right on the edge of being able to clasp their hands together and freefall into the future.

“But,” Ashton continues, sending Luke’s stomach into a fit of somersaults, “I’m not sure I want a public relationship right now?”

Luke cocks his head to the side, “So no public relationship, but a private one?”

Ashton shrugs, “Yeah, I mean I would love to date you, call you my boyfriend and shit, but maybe just behind closed doors? Maybe just for us, with no one else knowing?”

“Why would we do that?” Luke asks, trying to wrap his head around the idea. It wasn’t the worst case scenario, rejection, but it sure as hell wasn’t the best case scenario of joyous agreement either.

“It’s a small school, everyone gets up in your business if they know you’re together. There’s no privacy and everyone starts watching you like a hawk. Keeping it just for us would make it easier to control that perception, at least for a little while.”

It makes sense, though it’s not exactly what Luke had in mind. There goes the chances of holding hands in the quad, linking ankles in the dining hall, and kissing goodbye at classrooms. But is that the price he’s willing to pay to have Ashton all to himself? To know that there’s no one else occupying his time and affection?

“Okay, I guess that would work. But we can tell our families?”

Ashton shakes his head vigorously, “No, especially not your mom, she works here! All it takes is one slip up and the whole campus knows.”

“I’m still not sure I see the issue in that,” Luke mumbles, looking down at his hands.

“Please,” Ashton says, taking one of Luke’s hands in his. Luke tries to hide the smile at the display of affection. “I agree with you, I want to be your boyfriend. I love spending time with you, I love talking to you and getting to see you grow and we really do just click. But I just need some time, we deserve time to get ourselves together before we have the vultures circling in on us.”

Luke sighs, biting on his lip in contemplation. He won’t be able to keep this a secret, at least not forever. He’s the kind of person who wears his heart on his sleeve and wants to share his emotions with the world, not one who zips his lips and avoids personal details. He’ll go insane without telling anyone.

“Can we at least tell Calum?” Luke reasons, trying to find any ledge to grasp onto here.

“Yeah, Calum would be fine. Mutual friend, it works,” Ashton agrees, starting to smile a bit wider. “Does that mean you’re okay with it?”

“Okay isn’t necessarily the word, but if it’ll make us official, I’m willing to make it work for the short term.”

Ashton’s smile takes over his face and Luke is struck by how the tables have turned here, starting with him asking Ashton to be more and ending with Luke being the one who needed to say yes. Still, he can’t help the smile that also spreads across his still rosy cheeks, especially not when Ashton leans forward across the tiny gap and kisses Luke softly, much more chaste than he ever has before. It’s a kiss filled with promises and new beginnings unlike any other.

“Thank you,” Ashton says quietly, though Luke isn’t really sure that he’s the one who should be saying thank you. While one weight has been lifted off his shoulders, another has taken its place, and Luke isn’t quite sure how he’s going to be able to carry it.

Luke knows he’s positively beaming when he gets to lunch with Calum the next day. He can’t keep the smile off his face at all, too content with the fact that he woke up in Ashton’s bed this morning and was able to kiss him immediately after opening his eyes.

It’s a new kind of contentment, spending those first hazy minutes wrapped up in the arms of another instead of listening to Michael’s alarm blast for an unreasonably long time.

He tries to hide the extra spring in his step and excitement in his eyes by the time he gets to the table, but Calum can see right through him. It’s not that surprising, considering Luke’s smile is never truly this animated.

“Things went well, then?” Calum says as Luke takes his seat. Sierra is still nowhere to be seen, but Luke leans in a tiny bit to whisper.

“We’re keeping the relationship a secret right now, but I’m allowed to tell you.”

Happiness, followed quickly by confusion, flashes across Calum’s face. “Why are you keeping it a secret?”

Luke takes a bite of a french fry. “Ashton wants to, says that the school is so small and gossip travels fast. I’m not really sure about it, but if it means I can actually date him, then I’ll accept it for now.”

The apprehension is clear on Calum’s face, but he smiles regardless. “Whatever makes you happy,” he shrugs.

Before Luke has a chance to defend his relationship any further, Sierra and KayKay round towards the table, effectively shutting him up. He’s never been the best actor, but he’s trying to prepare for the inevitable questioning.

“Did you ask him!” Sierra chirps before her plate even touches the table.

“Hi to you too,” Luke replies, waving a fry at her. “Learn better manners please.”

Sierra deflates a little in her chair. “So you didn’t ask him then.” And well, that was much easier than Luke expected.

“No, I didn’t get the chance. I’m not sure I want to, now that I’m thinking about it more. There’s only a few more months left of school then he’s gone, so no point in starting something now.” Don’t oversell it, he reminds himself, hoping it’s enough to keep Sierra off his case for a while.

“Shame, you’d be a really great couple,” KayKay chimes in, pouting dramatically at Luke. Sierra’s slightly pleading, slightly excessive frown matches hers perfectly.

“You two are really too scarily similar,” Luke teases, easing the spotlight off of himself. Deflecting has always worked in his favor.

“That’s why we work so well!” Sierra grins, leaning over to place a quick kiss on KayKay’s cheek.

Jealousy flares in Luke immediately, wishing he would be able to do the same to Ashton. All in good time, he reminds himself. There will definitely be an end to Ashton’s want of a hidden relationship.

“Fuck psychology,” Ashton says in lieu of a greeting as he storms through his dorm room door.

“At least take psychology out on a date first,” Luke teases from his spot curled up in Ashton’s arm chair. He’s made himself a sort of nest out of Ashton’s various hoodies and jackets on the chair, using them for cushioning around him as he writes a paper on his laptop. He’s been spending almost all his time here now, not that he wasn’t doing that before, but somehow he still finds himself clinging to the little pieces of Ashton that he can get when he’s not actively in the room.

“Not funny,” Ashton groans, walking across the space towards Luke’s cocoon. “Is there room for me in your bundle of my clothing?”

Luke frowns at the tight quarters he’s already in, “Not really? But I’ll cuddle you in bed if that’s gonna make you happy?”

Ashton nods, already turning around to kick off his shoes and remove his hoodie. It’s steadily getting warmer outside, though not quite warm enough for one layer; snuggling under the covers tends to be a very warm affair as is.

Luke shuts his laptop and stretches his legs before throwing back the sheets on Ashtons’ bed. “Wall or edge?”

“Wall is your side of the bed,” Ashton says, like it’s the most obvious thing in the entire world. It warms Luke’s heart, but he chooses not to comment on it. Instead he crawls in, settling on his side and opening his arms for Ashton, who follows behind. He slides down the bed slightly so he can press his head against Luke’s chest as much as possible, while Luke secures an arm under his neck and the other around his torso.

They sit in silence for a bit, letting the gentle breeze from the window punctuate the nothingness. Luke makes the conscious effort of matching Ashton’s breathing, inhaling in sync. The giddy excitement of a moment so filled with love still hasn’t lost its shine, even after three weeks of officially dating.

“So, why do we hate psychology?” Luke finally asks, trailing a hand up Ashton’s arm. He traces nonsensical patterns over his skin, hidden treasure maps connecting the lines and marks on his body.

“Jamie tore into my paper again, basically told me no programs will ever think of accepting me without changing a good third of the content.”

“Does Jamie’s opinion really matter all that much? What does she know?”

“In theory, she’s the professor for Love and Attraction, so she’s the expert on my entire capstone,” Ashton says harshly, but soothes over the sting with a lighter addition. “But she isn’t in charge of admissions anywhere, so she doesn’t really know for sure. Hell, she’s not even in charge of admissions to the psych program here.”

Luke hums thoughtfully. “Would it help to have my mom look over it? I could ask her for you?”

Ashton grows rigid in Luke’s arms, tensing up considerably. “No, that’s okay, she’s probably too busy anyway. There’s a bunch of big things happening in the department soon, she’s probably gearing up for those.”

“Okay, well let me know if you change your mind, I’d be happy to ask her for you.”

Ashton tilts his head up towards Luke, smiling softly before trailing his eyes down to Luke’s lips. He leans up slowly, shifting up the bed to get a better angle before he presses his lips to Luke’s fully. Ashton quickly takes the lead, turning his head just right to kiss Luke slowly, a far cry from the hungry bruises his lips tend to leave.

But things are different now, they can kiss for the sake of kissing without it having to lead to something more. Ashton still nips at Luke’s bottom lip periodically as their lips move against one another, but it’s not hurried. It’s easy, a push and pull that leaves them breathless.

Luke can’t help the little pleased noises he emits periodically, each always resulting in a tiny smile from Ashton, or a moment of increased intensity. The kiss never gets boring, alternating between feverish exchanges and lazy moments where their kisses are barely more than presses between panting for air, desperate to join together once again.

Ashton’s scruff scratches against Luke’s chin with every movement, irritating the skin below and leaving a burn that has Luke searching for more. He tilts his head to press in, wanting the most subtle of a mark left on him as a more lasting memory of their moments together. Even if he can’t have an actual display of belonging to someone else, the uncomfortable tug on the red skin will serve as enough of a reminder.

At some point, Luke lands more on his back with Ashton almost entirely laying on top of him. Ashton’s hand trails down his side, sliding up under his t-shirt to grip at his hip, holding onto the slight lip of skin above his waistband. He moves his hand periodically, lighting up Luke’s skin with pinpricks of excitement as the wandering hand lands on his back, his shoulder, his stomach, shivering under the skin to skin contact.

There’s nothing moving them to take this any further, just lazily making out in the afternoon glow, basking in the early spring warmth. As far as Luke can remember, this is the most content he’s ever felt, right at home in Ashton’s room tangled together. He would spend every moment with Ashton licking into his mouth if he could.

Ashton pulls back for a moment, trailing his eyes over the details of Luke’s face slowly. Luke does the same, trying to memorize the way that Ashton’s eyes glow golden in the sunlight filtering through the glass. The slope of his nose, the tiny wrinkles at the corners of his eyes. Stray strands of caramel curls hang into his field of vision, obscuring parts of his face, but Luke thinks he could remember what they looked like even in the dark. He could map the trail from his scruff, to his dimple, to the very tip of his hairline.

“You’re beautiful,” Ashton whispers, just a breath in the space between them.

Luke opens his mouth to reply, but finds the words won’t ever be able to say what he truly wants to. Instead he doesn’t fight the blush, doesn’t try to hide away as he bashfully grins up at Ashton, only moving to connect their lips together in perfect synchrony. He wants to tell Ashton that he loves him, always has and always will, but that will come in time.

For now, he’s content to lay in the sweet moment of serenity.

Luke hates lying.

He hates lying more than he hates most other things, especially when it’s lying to people he cares about. He really thought it would get easier as time went on, but instead he found it harder and harder to keep up the facade as his relationship with Ashton continued.

It’s not as hard to lie to Sierra and KayKay. They already knew he was fucking Ashton, so he doesn’t have to lie about spending time in Ashton’s room or make it seem like he isn’t satiating his needs in one way or another. Though it’s hard to keep Sierra off his back about asking Ashton out for real. She’s dedicated to the idea that they would be the perfect couple and Luke has to bite his tongue on more than one occasion to keep from spilling out “I know, we are a good couple.”

Hiding it from Michael is a little harder. It shouldn’t be, because he really doesn’t find himself talking to Michael all that often, but he can feel Michael’s eyes on him when he comes back into their room after spending the night in Ashton’s room. Which is most nights, really, but Michael never says a word.

Luke can tell he’s curious though, only adding fuel to Ashton’s fire that all news travels fast around a school like this. So he keeps his lips locked and doesn’t disclose where he is or what he’s doing when he’s not staying in the room. Michael can make his own assumptions and Luke will pretend like he isn’t bothered by not being able to tell him the truth.

The worst one by far is Luke’s mom. He’s always hated lying to her as the people pleaser that he is. He never wanted to be on her bad side, ever, so lying to her about his dating life feels like a total betrayal.

He avoids going to her office most of the time, claiming that he’s swamped with work and plans, but she starts pulling the mom tricks at some point, finally saying she brought cookies to the office today and would be happy to save him one if he wanted to stop by later.

She’s devious, really.

Luke walks into the psych office and waves to the secretary before heading right back to his mom’s door, marked with Dr. Elizabeth Hemmings on a gold nameplate. He knocks softly and waits for her call to come in, dropping his bag by the door frame before he even fully enters the room.

“Ah, he exists! I was starting to think you were nothing more than a text message now,” she teases.

He rolls his eyes and gives her a quick hug before sitting in the plush armchair across from her desk. “Funny, missed you too.”

“I had to bribe you to come see me, you can’t miss me too much.”

“Stop trying to guilt trip me,” Luke says lightheartedly, smiling at the laugh it produces. He really has missed spending time here, especially since it was his safe place when he was a homesick and stressed out first year student. His refuge may have moved to a different location now, but that doesn’t mean that he still doesn’t feel comforted by her pale blue walls and grey carpeting.

“What’s new? Catch me up on your life!” Liz says, turning away from her computer to give Luke her full attention.

He flounders for a moment, trying to come up with anything new to tell her about. “Uh, classes are going well, I’m trying to keep my grades up with the end of the semester. I’ve just been… busy.”

“Busy,” she echoes with eyebrows raised. “Busy with what?”

“Busy with friends, you know? Spend a lot of my time hanging out with them.”

“Uh huh.”

Luke plucks a cookie off her desk to avoid having to fill the empty air between them. He knows she can tell something is off, mostly because he’s acting cagey as hell and can’t look her in the eye, but he’s trying, he really is. It’s just not easy to lie straight to the face of the person he wants to tell about his relationship most.

“How’s Calum?” she finally asks, watching Luke carefully. He’s more aware of his body now, trying to remain neutral as he knows where this line of questioning is going.

“Calum is fine, still annoying as always. He’s been trying to get me to go running with him more often, so I’ve been trying to join at least once a week.”

“And Sierra? KayKay?”

Luke shrugs, “Haven’t seen all that much of them honestly, other than sometimes at lunch. KayKay’s been working a lot and Sierra is cramming for finals.”

“Reasonable. What about Ashton? I’ve heard a lot of talk about him around the department lately.”

His ears perk up at that, though he has to refrain from letting his eyes get too wide. “What kind of stuff have you heard about him?”

“Oh you know, he’s one of the most promising students in the program, and his work on his capstone has been particularly interesting.”

“Meaning?” Luke asks, afraid of the answer.

“Nothing to worry about, just that one’s capstone is typically something important to them since they have to focus on it for so long. That’s all,” she says cryptically, likely analyzing Luke’s every response. Damn psychologists.

“Ah, yeah well, I’ve been hanging out with him a lot. He complains about how much work it is.”

Liz nods knowingly, “That it is, and I know he’s been putting a ton of work into it. It really shows how dedicated he is.”

This all feels like a trick, Luke thinks as he fiddles with his fingers. She’s waiting for him to crack, to say that he’s dating Ashton and been keeping it a secret because he’s a liar and an awful son. He hates this feeling, hates the guilt eating away at his gut leaving him trembling.

“Yeah, he’s the best,” Luke offers weakly.

“Well! I don’t need to keep you here if you have places you would rather be, I know you’re in high demand,” she smiles, turning back to her computer to tap away at the keyboard. Luke exhales a deep breath of air as he says goodbye and exits to the hallway again.

The only thought circulating through his mind as he passes by happy couples holding hands on his way back to the dorm is he needs to convince Ashton that they should make this public. He’s not sure how much longer he can hold on otherwise.

Talking about something like bringing their relationship to the public eye is easier said than done, Luke comes to find out. He avoids starting the conversation in the early morning, instead relishing in the moments of peace before they have to go about their days. He doesn’t want to talk about it in public, not where someone could overhear their conversations. And the evenings are reserved for working and unwinding, however they see fit.

So it’s not exactly the easiest topic Luke has ever tried to broach.

He keeps searching for the right moment, the one where they’re both comfortable and open and ready to discuss the matter at hand like adults. Luke debates slipping it into conversation during their morning coffee, finding a place for it among the dissolving crystals of sugar.

There might be a home for it in the hushed seconds before they drift off to sleep at night, whispering it into Ashton’s ear to result in a sleepy declaration of needs and wants.

In the end, the urge to get it over with bursts out of Luke in the sated silence after his climax. They had come back from their Thursday dinner with the intention of working on their homework, but Luke may have let his hands wander a bit when Ashton mouthed at his neck. He left warm presses on his skin, but never dared to make a mark. He never makes a mark.

“Can we talk about this?” Luke says, rolling onto his side to get a better look at Ashton after he’s effectively caught his breath.

“Talk about what?” Ashton replies, reaching a hand out to push a sweaty curl behind Luke’s ear through his own punctuated breaths.

“Us, you know, making us public.”

“Luke,” Ashton warns, closing his eyes and laying back against the pillows.

“I know you don’t want to, but why? I just wanna be able to love you in public like you deserve. I want the whole world to know that I have you.”

Ashton sighs as a bead of sweat drips down his forehead. With his eyes shut, the lines at the corners of his eyes soften, bringing a peaceful expression to his face under the glistening sheen of their activities. He’s serene, a limitless oasis for Luke to slip into when he’s stressed out. But now, Luke wants nothing more than to break that calm and dive into the deep end of their insecurities.

“We agreed that we would keep this just between us.”

Luke runs a hand through his hair in exasperation, “I know, but what if that’s not what I want anymore? What if I want to be able to kiss you in public and not have to be worried about someone seeing us, or lying to my family about you, or just, anything!”

“That’s not what I’m looking for though,” Ashton says plainly, shrugging a shoulder with his eyes still shut, hiding away from the present moment.

“Are you ashamed of me or something? I really just don’t get it at all.”

“Of course not,” Ashton says, voice lacking conviction.

He’s at the end of his rope, unsure where to go with Ashton anymore. He’s the perfect boyfriend: extremely attentive to Luke’s needs and wants, treats Luke with the same respect that he expects in return, and makes him laugh like no other. He’s charming and loving and Luke has never felt so fucking appreciated in his entire life. But it all stops the moment that they leave Ashton’s dorm room, and he’s sick of it.

“Then I really don’t understand. You’re dating me in secret, what’s the difference of having it be out in the open!”

“That’s not smart right now,” Ashton says again with a sense of finality in his tone. Like he’s done with the conversation and willing to just end things if they’re going to keep arguing like this.

“Then I’m not sure I can keep doing this,” Luke says in frustration, rolling off Ashton’s bed and beginning the search for his clothes littered around the floor.

“Luke,” Ashton says, but it’s plain. It’s resigned. It’s done.

“I can’t keep going on like this, I refuse to be your dirty little secret anymore.”

“That’s not what this is!” Ashton huffs, finally sitting up in bed with the sheet pooled around his lap. “We’re having fun! This is supposed to be about us, not about sharing it!”

“Well it’s not fun for me anymore! I don’t want to have to hide one of the best parts of my life.”

The silence hangs around them as Luke gets dressed, blinking back his tears of frustration as he looks at anything but Ashton. This isn’t the way he thought this conversation would go, praying that it would have been the resolution he had been waiting for. It shouldn’t be a fight to bring their love to the daylight. Nothing good happens after midnight.

Luke snatches his phone and backpack off the desk chair before steeling himself to look over at Ashton. The twin sized mattress looks too large for his body alone, calling for Luke to abandon his needs and crawl back in for the night. But he’s standing tall this time, unwilling to bend to Ashton’s hesitancy.

“Come back to bed,” Ashton tries again, voice small in the darkness, illuminated only by the yellow glow of the desk lamp.

“I can’t, Ash. I can’t do this.”

“Then what happens now?”

“I,” Luke starts, before blinking back the tears that still sit along his waterline. He clears his throat. “It’s done. We’ll act like nothing happened. We’ve been friends first and we’ll continue to just be friends.” It’s not even enough to convince Luke of his own words, falling abysmally at his feet.

Ashton sighs, but nods. “Yeah, okay. Sure.”

With a curt nod of his own, Luke turns on his feet and exits, closing the door softly before heading up the stairs to his own dorm room. The tile floor and cream walls laugh mockingly with every squeak of his rubber soles as he flees the one thing that should bring him contentment, not frustration. It shouldn’t be a crime to want to love someone out loud, to be able to scream from the rooftops how much they love each other. He spent enough time in the closet, Luke doesn’t want to live there any longer.

Michael is still up playing video games when Luke returns, screeching at the screen as his character falls off the cliff in whatever game he’s playing. “Hey,” he nods, glancing at Luke before returning to the game. After a second, it seems like his mind catches up with what he saw, turning back to Luke with a concerned expression. “You good?”

Luke huffs out a pitiful laugh and shrugs, knowing he won’t be able to hide the anguish from his roommate. “I will be, I think.”

Confused concern stays on Michael’s face as he pulls his headset down off his head and fully turns to Luke. “Okay, but let me know if you wanna talk or something, yeah? I hear I’m pretty good at just listening when I need to.”

With a slightly wobbly smile, Luke nods and hops up to his own bed. “Thanks, I… Yeah, thanks.” Michael’s eyes trace Luke’s face once more in the dim light before he smiles softly and returns to his game, thankfully keeping his yelling to a minimum as Luke slips into his own sheets. They’re not as warm and welcoming as Ashton’s are, don’t smell like his soap and don’t wrap him up in the comfort that Ashton’s normally do.

He falls asleep to the symphony of Michael’s controller clicking with a steady stream of salty sadness slipping down his cheeks, hoping that he wakes up to this all being a terrible nightmare in the morning.

It in fact wasn’t a nightmare. Because the nightmare is trying to live life like he doesn’t have his heart trailing behind him, getting beaten up as it drags against the cement with every step he takes.

Luke carefully avoids making things seem abnormal as he crawls through his day, getting to each of his classes and building up the facade that everything is fine, he’s fine, life is fine.

And no one seems to be the wiser.

He gets lunch with Sierra and KayKay, biting his tongue painfully when they hold hands on the tabletop, itching to fucking scream about how unfair it is that others get to love out in the real world. But he just sucks in another deep breath of air and laughs at their jokes, keeping his eyes off their clasped hands as much as he can.

He goes to his classes, staring blankly at the whiteboards even though he knows he needs to be taking notes in order to pass these courses. But he can’t manage to pick up a pen, instead counting the number of soft taps that the marker makes against the plastic. Five hundred, sixty three. It’s enough to occupy his mind for a little while.

His mom’s office in the psych department becomes his hideaway again. When he isn’t sitting in bed, he’s taking up space in the back of her office, much like he used to during those early days of Freshman year.

She’s concerned, not even trying to hide the worried gazes she shoots his way over her computer when she’s doing whatever the hell it is that the head of a psych department does. But she doesn’t pry, at least not all that often. When she does, it’s gentle prodding, mostly asking about how classes are, Calum, Michael. Luke tries his hardest not to bite his tongue so hard that it bleeds when she asks about Ashton.

“I haven’t seen him around all that much lately,” Luke lies, shrugging. “He’s really busy with his capstone and grad applications and stuff. I’m sure I’ll see him soon.”

She always looks like she wants to ask more questions, or offer some kind of wise advice that will make him feel better, but she only nods, launching into a story about something Luke’s dad did at home instead, anything to keep his mind off of the dramatics swirling inside.

Luke tries to keep the truth from Calum too, not willing to hear the “I told you so” that will inevitably come with the confession. It doesn’t last forever, not when it reaches the first Thursday since The End and Luke asks Calum to go to dinner with him.

“Okay, what the fuck,” Calum says as he approaches Luke outside the dining hall.

Luke hums unhelpfully, trying to keep his expression neutral. Everything about this feels awful, unnatural and forced. He’s never been here on a Thursday night without Ashton and suddenly he’s feeling like a lowly first year again, way out of his depth and barely treading water.

“Don’t play games Luke, what’s going on with you and Ashton?”

“Don’t know what you’re talking about,” Luke says petulantly, heading through the door without another word.

“We’re not done with this conversation, I’m not letting it slide this time,” Calum says behind him as Luke is swiping into the hall.

Luke moves through the lines with distracted ease, trying his hardest not to think about the strange longing sitting heavily in his chest. He gathers his food and ignores the small voice in his head that mockingly picks on him for not putting some kind of vegetable on his plate along with the pizza he’s chosen. That same voice pinches his hip when he trips on his own feet, laughing at him for being a clutz but holding onto his arm for the rest of the trip to the table. The voice pulls him back when he walks right past the place that he normally occupies on Thursday nights, instead moving to a small table in the corner, away from prying eyes.

Ashton is nowhere to be seen.

Calum sits at the table with a dramatic flop, placing his plate in front of him and folding his hands over it, leaning forward towards Luke. He stares across the table, eyes memorizing every line and blemish on Luke’s face, almost like he’s looking for a crack in his armor somewhere. Little does he know, one misdirected sneeze would have Luke losing his composure.

“Hey?” Luke says weakly, smiling crookedly at Calum.

“When did you break up?”

Luke chokes on air, blinking wildly. “What are you talking about?” he squeaks, coughing to clear his throat.

“Don’t act like I’m an idiot,” Calum says, stabbing into his salad with unnecessary force.

Weighing his options, it’s significantly easier to just tell the truth and stop avoiding talking about the breakup out loud, but speaking the words makes it real. Is he ready to deal with reality?

“Last week,” Luke says plainly, feeling the burn in the back of his throat as he swallows down the need to cry.

“Oh,” Calum says softly, with a look of pity on his face. “What happened?”

“I wanted public, he didn’t. Simple as that.”

Calum frowns, “But why didn’t he want to be public?”

“I don’t fucking know,” Luke groans in frustration. He threads his hands through his hair and tugs at the ends. “I tried to get a reason out of him, but he literally didn’t even fight for me. Like fuck, am I that easy to let go of?”

“I don’t think that’s it,” Calum says.

“Did he say anything to you?”

Calum shakes his head, “Haven’t heard from him since last week. I thought it was just because you guys were too busy fucking or something, but now I’m a bit concerned.”

A slight urge to reach out bubbles in Luke’s chest, but he washes it away with a sip of his water. He’s been through enough fucking pain with Ashton, he can’t go through a second rejection. Losing Ashton has been losing one of his best friends and his lover in one, ripped away from him before he even had the chance to love it properly.

“Yeah, well,” Luke says unhelpfully, shrugging and shoveling a piece of pizza into his mouth to avoid having to speak again.

“Look, I’m sorry. That really fucking sucks, I was really rooting for you guys. But clearly Ash has some shit to work through if he wasn’t willing to love you where people could know. That’s just messed up really.”

Luke presses his lips into a tight line, anything to avoid spilling more of his insecurities out onto the table between them. That’s what Ashton was for, reassuring his fears and worries in the quiet of the night. Calum isn’t his safe person, but maybe he’ll have to become that person.

“Yeah, I just want to forget about it all really. It sucks, but just a few more weeks and he’ll be gone, and I’ll be here. It’s just life.” Luke raises his glass of water to Calum. “Cheers to bad decisions and misery.”

“Cheers,” Calum echoes with a troubled expression.

“CHEERS!” Someone screams from the corner of the room, sloshing beer onto the ground in front of the pong table.

Luke hates parties. Like, genuinely doesn’t know why he even bothers to try to show up at these things.

But when he’s seven shots deep of Patron, he starts to not care about how unruly his hair gets or how sweaty his shirt is getting.

No, wait, he does care how sweaty his shirt is getting, because it’s clinging to his back in all the wrong places, making his underarms chafe. Who the fuck thought it was a good idea to pack seventy college kids into a living room? In a brief scan around the hazy space, Luke can tell that no one gives two shits about what he’s doing or what he looks like. So does it matter if he takes his shirt off in the middle of a party? Maybe not.

And that’s how Luke ends up drunk, shirtless, and singing along to No Scrubs into a broomstick on top of a dining room table.

He’s pretty sure he’s never going to find his shirt again, and Calum is looking at him disapprovingly across the room. Wait, when did Calum get here? Luke came to the party alone, electing to hang out with the tech kids who always invite him to their parties. Maybe part of him hoped that Ashton would be here too. Maybe he won’t say that part out loud.

He chaotically waves across the packed party, nearly tipping off the side of the table in his efforts. There’s a drunken giggle from beside him, but when Luke turns, he’s alone. Was that his drunken laugh? He’s not that drunk, is he? He’s only had a few shots, when did he become a lightweight? He’ll have to ask Ashton when he became a lightweight.

No, Luke’s mind rudely interrupts, you won’t be asking Ashton anything. Because you broke up. He wants nothing to do with you. Luke wishes that voice would shut the fuck up.

“Alright bud, I’m gonna help you down from the table,” a voice calls over the music. Luke looks down at the tiny Calum leaning on the side of the table. Calum looks like an ant from up here. Luke tells him as much.

“Yeah, you’ve had a little too much, huh?” Calum shakes his head as he tries to coax Luke to the side. “Please just sit, I’ll get you some pizza if you sit your ass on the table.”

“Make it mozz sticks and you’ve got yourself a deal.”

“You drive a hard bargain,” Calum agrees with a grin. “Come on, I’ll order some when we get back to the room.”

“Make sure you ask Ashton what he wants!” Luke yells as he very, very gracefully falls to his ass on the side of the wooden table. It’ll probably leave a mark, but who cares.

He almost misses Calum’s grimace as they head to the door, weaving through people that Luke has never seen before, but he ignores that thought while looking for any familiar face. Isn’t this supposed to be other data sciences majors? Where are all the people he knows?

“Where is your shirt!” Calum yells over the bass when they finally get to the front door.

“No fucking clue, I don’t care about it!” Luke yells back, patting Calum on the cheek softly before yanking open the door and stumbling onto the front lawn.

The campus green is so different at night, not littered by students wandering around on their way to class. Now, in the dead of the night, there’s no more than the stars above him and the crickets chirping to keep him company.

“Get the fuck up, Luke.”

Well. And Calum.

Luke pulls himself up to a standing position, watching as the world sways around him precariously. When did he start being able to feel the world as it slowly spins on its axis? Maybe that tequila was extra potent or some shit.

“Come on, let’s get you home,” Calum says, placing a hand on the small of his back. Just like Ashton used to. Ashton.

“Can we go find Ashton?”

Calum frowns, expression looking out of place on his round cheeks. “You and Ashton broke up, remember?”

“Fuck.”

With a somber smile, Calum slides his hand around Luke’s back to lay heavily on his hip. Luke’s skin vibrates with the knowledge that this isn’t who should be touching his body. The only person who should be allowed to touch him is Ashton. Ashton, the one who didn’t want to commit out in the open. Ashton, who promised Luke the world, if they could only keep things behind closed doors. Ashton, who couldn’t be who Luke needed him to be.

The walk back is quiet. Luke hums to himself to stay distracted, switching between Nickelback and All Time Low easily. Calum laughs when he starts on a particularly passionate rendition of Rockstar, but Luke stops short. Like, quite literally stops in his tracks, making Calum backpedal to urge him to keep moving. But Luke is cemented in place, looking out at the building in the distance in shock.

Because that’s Ashton. That’s Ashton currently standing in front of a hall that he doesn’t even live in, with a body pressed up against his that is most definitely not Luke’s. And if that isn’t enough, Luke can’t take his eyes off the trainwreck that is Ashton leaning in to kiss the body he’s holding onto.

“Holy fucking shit,” Luke breathes when his lungs protest that he really fucking needs air or he’s going to pass out. Maybe it would be for the better anyway.

“Huh?” Calum questions, squinting into the darkness in the direction of Ashton.

“That’s fucking Ashton. That’s fucking Ashton kissing someone else. Holy shit, we broke up like a fucking week ago and he’s kissing someone else.”

Suddenly everything is too much. The alcohol drains away from his brain, leaving him more angry than happily buzzed. His fingers twitch, desperately wanting to reach out into the darkness and either wring Ashton’s neck, or grovel on the floor at his feet, begging for forgiveness. Forgiveness for what, Luke isn’t all that sure, but he’s not sure of anything anymore.

How did he move on after only a few weeks? Is that the reason that he wouldn’t commit to Luke in the daylight? Was Luke some disgusting little dirty secret romance, hidden away from Ashton’s real life? Oh god, he’s going to be sick.

“Luke,” Calum says, half as a question and half as a warning. He’s got a grip on Luke’s bicep that says if he makes any indication that he’s about to go talk to Ashton, Calum won’t let him. “Ignore it, come on.”

“How the fuck am I supposed to ignore it?” Luke yells, echoing into the darkness. Echoing loud enough that Ashton and the other person turn to look at Luke in the darkness. Even across the space, it’s easy to see when Ashton recognizes Luke, face shifting from shock to something else quickly, maybe guilt? Shame? Embarrassment? Drunk Luke can’t figure that one out in the late night shadows.

“Come on,” Calum says with more insistence this time, pulling Luke’s arm to guide him down the path. He goes willingly, unsure how his feet manage not to stumble over themselves as he continues after Calum. He’s dazed for the whole walk, staring hazily at nothing as Calum leads him away.

So many thoughts spin around in his mind, bouncing off one another to try to work themselves out, but not a single thought or emotion can gain dominance. He’s confused, heartbroken, furious, and desperate all at the same time, tied together with a bow of jealousy at the hands of whoever the fuck just had their hands in Ashton’s hair. That should be him, not that nameless stranger.

They make their way up to the front door of Luke’s building where he clumsily pulls his ID card from his wallet, tapping into the building to let himself and Calum into the dorm.

From behind, a meek “Luke” rings out behind them, clear as day. It sends a painful shiver up Luke’s spine, a dagger straight between his shoulder blades. He’s suddenly dizzily drunk again, head swimming as he turns to face Ashton jogging up to the door behind them.

“Oh fuck no, not now,” Calum complains, tugging Luke forward again.

“Calum just let me,” Luke starts, pulling in the opposite direction.

“No, absolutely fucking not,” Calum insists, yanking on Luke a little harder now.

“Luke,” Ashton says again, now standing directly in front of Luke on the other side of the threshold. “Where the hell is your shirt?”

“On the floor at a party somewhere,” Luke says, looking at Ashton’s darkened eyes glistening in the dim lighting.

“Okay, we’re leaving,” Calum says, pulling on him again.

“Calum,” Luke challenges.

“No,” Calum insists again, “You’re not talking to him while drunk.”

“But I want to-”

“You should listen to Calum,” Ashton says gently, guiding Luke into the lobby fully so he can let the door swing shut behind them all. The spot where Ashton’s hand sits on Luke’s back burns, though Luke can’t decipher if it’s a good burn or a bad one.

“I want to talk to you!” Luke says, a touch louder than acceptable for the late hour.

“Shut it, I don’t want to get yelled at,” Calum hisses, glaring at them both.

“We can talk in the morning,” Ashton says as a compromise, though the dejected look in his eyes shows that he’s not being truthful in that sentence.

“No, I want to talk to you now” Luke demands, stomping his foot. It’s a touch on the childish side, but he’s drunk and he’s pissed off and he wants to give Ashton a piece of his fucking mind before he chickens out in the morning.

“Luke,” Calum says, and though Luke isn’t looking at him, he can hear the way that Calum’s got his eyes shut, counting to ten in his brain to keep from blowing up at Luke. God, Calum is a good friend.

“Ten minutes?” Ashton finally says, smiling weakly over Luke’s shoulder at Calum.

Luke turns to his friend with pleading eyes, as if he’s not a fully capable adult who can make decisions on his own. He knows that if Calum really, truly thought it was a bad idea, he would tell Ashton to fully fuck off and lead Luke right up those stairs to his own room.

But he doesn’t. Instead Calum sighs again, a touch more aggressively. “Ten minutes. I’m going to be sitting right in this fucking lobby waiting, and I’m coming in after ten minutes.”

Luke has half a mind to launch at Calum and press kisses to his cheeks in thanks, but he holds back on the gesture. Instead he smiles at him and turns back to Ashton, noting the hesitancy in his eyes. Even in his mostly drunk state, Luke would be able to read that emotion from Ashton at any time. No, he would be able to read any emotion Ashton shows, at any time.

Ashton leads the way to his dorm, unlocking it and letting Luke step in first. Nothing has changed in the few weeks since Luke had last been here, but he still feels like a stranger standing in the middle of the space. It’s not the safe haven that it once was, instead a conglomeration of all the stress and unhappiness he’s been internalizing for weeks.

“Here,” Ashton says, handing Luke a random t-shirt from the drawer, “Probably would feel better not to be half naked.”

“Thanks,” Luke mumbles, pulling the oversized shirt over his head. The scent is comforting, making him want to crawl back into his hoodie nest of before and hide away like nothing ever happened. Like he never said that he wanted more from Ashton.

He stands at the corner, unsure where exactly to sit. Luke’s visions blurs, though it could be from the alcohol or the intoxication from being this close to Ashton once again. It wouldn’t be too hard to reach out across the space and touch him, just to make sure that he’s real and not some figment of Luke’s imagination.

“So,” Ashton says, perched on the edge of his bed. Luke wants to crawl back between the covers and hide under the duvet.

Luke swallows around nothing. “So.”

Ashton raises an eyebrow in amusement, “You wanted to talk?”

“Uh,” Luke starts, unsure what he even wants to say. The second he’s opened his mouth, it’s terrifyingly empty of all potential thoughts or conversations. Nothing exists other than the consistent mantra of Ashton’s name playing on repeat in his mind.

With an entertained chuckle, Ashton shakes his head. “I’ve missed you.”

And that’s all it takes for Luke’s anger to flare up again. “You’ve missed me? You wouldn’t have to miss me if you weren’t such an asshole.”

It catches Ashton off guard, but it starts Luke on a warpath. “You wouldn’t have to miss me if you could have loved me the way I fucking deserved. I didn’t deserve to be a secret! I don’t want to be anyone’s secret, I just want to be enough!”

Ashton gapes for a moment before he’s able to make sense of his own thoughts. “You were enough, Luke, I promise.”

“Then why the fuck did we break up!”

“You were the one who called for us to break up, if you recall. There was nothing wrong with what we were doing, you were the one who wanted to change things.”

Luke pushes off the wall and starts towards Ashton, stopping a few feet away. He flings his hands around as he speaks and his frustration increases. “I didn’t want to break up! I was so fucking happy with you but I wanted to be able to love you! I wanted to fucking hold your hand while walking or, I don’t know, kiss you and not have to overthink it!”

“I was getting there!” Ashton groans, wiping a hand down his face. “I just needed more time, but you didn’t want to wait.”

“More time for what!” Luke yells.

“We can have that talk when you’re sober,” Ashton chastises lightly, like he’s talking down to a small child. Luke hates the feeling of being belittled and it’s happening so fucking much tonight. Why can’t people just treat him like a damn adult?

“Yeah, when I’m sober and you can go back to whoever you were making out with on the quad.”

Ashton at least looks a touch ashamed, casting his eyes down at the floor in embarrassment. “Yeah, that wasn't my finest moment, but they didn’t really mean anything to me.”

“Just like I didn’t mean anything to you either? Just ready to cast aside when something better comes around?”

“Luke,” Ashton pleads, stepping forward to reach for Luke’s hand. He snatches it away, unwilling to get burned.

“Fuck off, why the fuck am I in love with you when you treat me like shit.”

It takes a solid five seconds for Luke’s brain to catch up with what his mouth just said, only registering the gravity of his words when Ashton’s mouth parts in surprise. Neither of them speak for a moment, time only punctuated by Luke’s irregular breathing and the dull whirl of the fan in the window.

“Love?” Ashton whispers, eyes somewhere between awestruck and disbelief.

“I-” Luke starts, interrupted by the door opening, revealing a very exhausted Calum on the other side.

“Time’s up,” he says, smiling tensely at the pair.

“No,” Luke starts to beg, but Calum shakes his head firmly.

“No more tonight, Luke. You need to sober up.”

“I’m not that drunk,” Luke tries to reason, but Ashton pokes into the conversation then.

“Yeah, Luke, I’m pretty tired. Maybe we can talk more tomorrow.”

Luke spins to face Ashton, ignoring the churning of his stomach at the movement. He hopes his betrayal is evident on his face as he glares at Ashton indignantly. He holds his hands up in surrender, backing up slightly.

“Let’s go,” Calum says softly, leading Luke out the door. Luke doesn’t miss the pained look in Ashton’s eye just before the door shuts, leaving them both confused and unsure.

The next morning comes with a dry mouth and raging headache.

He doesn’t fully remember getting in bed last night, but he knows he was far more intoxicated than he planned on being. His head throbs when he turns to the side, seeing a bottle of water and a few Advil sitting on his bedside table. The faint memory of Calum bringing him home and tucking him in bed floats to his mind and Luke makes the note to text him later to say thank you. God knows he was a fucking disaster.

After downing the bottle and meds, Luke lays back on his bed with his eyes shut, breathing through the pounding in his head. The pain echoes in his skull, bouncing off the sides and splitting across his forehead. He wants nothing more than to fall back to sleep, but the light streaming in from the window likely isn’t going to allow that to happen.

He blinks over at Michael’s sleeping body across the room before he stares at the popcorn ceiling, connecting constellations as he tries to remember what exactly happened yesterday. Party. Drinking. Lots of fucking drinking, what was he thinking. Shirtless on the table. Wait.

Luke pats his torso, finding it pleasantly clothed, despite his knowledge of how that happened. He looks down at his chest to the heather grey t-shirt covering it. That’s definitely not his, because he knows that shirt well and it belongs to Ashton.

The memory of arguing in Ashton’s dorm room floods in slowly until it all comes back in a rush of regret, anger, and confusion. While the words are fuzzy, Luke can grasp at the edges of Ashton playing mind games about their breakup and Luke saying he loves Ashton. Present tense.

God he needs to stop drinking tequila.

His phone is nowhere to be found, not plugged into the charger next to him or floating somewhere randomly in his bed. He pats around for it with his eyes shut, trying to figure out what he could have possibly done with it in the time he can’t fully remember. It’s possible he left it at the party, but if that’s true, then he’s going to have to deal with getting a new one because it’s a lost cause.

A gentle knock at the door interrupts his thoughts, rousing Michael from his sleep. “I swear to fucking god,” he moans rolling over to face Luke. “It’s way too fucking early.”

“You act like I’m the one knocking at the door,” Luke bites back as he swings his legs out of the bed and pads slowly across the floor, rubbing at his eyes.

On the other side of the door is one Ashton Irwin, dressed in sweatpants with two coffees in his hands. Not exactly the sight Luke expected to see on a Saturday morning.

“Hey,” Ashton offers, holding a coffee out for Luke. “Thought you might need this. Vanilla latte.”

“Uh,” Luke says, blinking at the man in front of him like he’ll evaporate if he closes his eyes enough times.

“Take it,” Ashton urges, smiling weakly. “I have your phone too.”

“Oh thank god,” Luke groans, rubbing a tired hand down his face as he reaches for the cup. “I thought I lost it.”

“Nope, just left it in my room last night, that’s all.”

“Thanks for holding onto it for me. And thanks for, well, this?” Luke says, holding up the coffee before taking a sip. He’s never not had the words to say to Ashton, but standing here now, he feels awkward and uncomfortable and just wants to get back in bed.

Ashton nods once before shuffling on the balls of his feet a little bit. “Listen, I wanna talk about last night if you have a bit?”

“Ash,” Luke says cautiously, taking a half step back into his room. “I don’t know-”

His rejection is cut short by a hand on his shoulder, causing Luke to jump and jostle his cup. Michael laughs from behind him. “Let me get out of your hair,” he says cooly, already dressed with shoes and a hoodie. “Text me when you’re done, I’ll be around.”

“No, I-” Luke starts, but Michael is already out the door, nodding once at Ashton as he passes by. Well. There goes that excuse.

“Can I?” Ashton asks nervously, rotating his coffee cup in his hands. Luke sighs deeply and steps back into the room, gesturing for Ashton to follow.

It’s not that Ashton hasn’t been in Luke’s shared room before, it’s just that they never, ever spend any time actually interacting in the room. They only ever stop by as a pitstop on the way to Ashton’s room, usually to grab textbooks or jackets or whatever things that Luke needs that Ashton can’t supply. With Michael always occupying his desk, there really isn’t enough room for them to sit comfortably without sharing the bed in their tiny double room.

Luke sits on his bed immediately, letting Ashton decide whatever he wants to do to sit down on his own. He couldn’t care less about his comfort right now, not after all the shit. That’s a lie, and he knows it, but no one has to know.

Ashton pulls out the desk chair and sits facing Luke, taking a slow sip from his coffee. He looks like he hasn’t slept at all, between frantic hair and purple eye bags. Luke thinks he probably looks just as bad, if not worse, if only from his stench alone.

“How’s your head?” Ashton asks as a starter, looking genuinely interested in the answer.

“Kills, but not as bad since Cal left me stuff.”

Ashton nods, “Yeah, you were lucky Cal was around to watch out for you, sounds like you had a busy night.”

“Yeah,” Luke nods, not giving Ashton anything else to work with.

“What do you remember?”

Luke scoffs, closing his eyes. “I remember tequila, dancing on a table, seeing you outside, and then getting to your room. The words are fuzzy but I understand the general concept of what went down, I’m not a child.”

“Can we talk about it then?”

“What is there to talk about? You didn’t want a relationship, we broke up, and I saw you kissing someone else, we argued about it last night. That seems like how the whole story went really.”

“It’s not that I didn’t want a relationship,” Ashton asserts, picking his battle.

“Sorry, you didn’t want a relationship with me.”

“Will you just fucking let me speak? I can explain myself.”

“What if I don’t want your bullshit explanation now? I’m fucking hurt and I have to act like everything is fine all the time? No, fuck you.”

“Luke.”

“No, really, fuck you Ashton, I’m sorry I had a stupid fucking crush on you and I’m sorry I ruined our friendship. It’s fine, there’s less than a month until you leave anyway so just. It’s fine, it’s over.”

“I got into the psych program here.”

It’s not enough to shake the frustration from his chest, but it’s enough to jar him out of the anger for just a moment, long enough to derail the conversation.

“Congrats? When did you decide you were trying to stay here for your degree?”

“It was the only program I was really looking at.”

Luke narrows his eyes, “Why didn’t you tell me that? I was worried about the future after you left school and that could have been a good piece of information to tell me.”

With a slightly aggravated groan, Ashton puts his coffee on the floor and clasps his hands together. “Luke, your mom is the head of the department. Who do you think decides who gets accepted to the program?”

“I don’t understand?” Luke frowns.

Ashton shakes his head, running a hand through his hair with a sigh. “I wouldn’t date you publicly because of the program.”

Luke’s face scrunches up in distaste and confusion, because what the fuck? Luke was nothing but supportive of Ashton’s capstone, of him trying to get into the Psych Master’s program. He gave Ashton all the attention and confidence that he possibly could, and he gets repaid by being doomed to a hidden relationship?

“Okay well really fuck you then.”

“No, listen. I didn’t want to get into the program because of you. If we were dating, it would have looked like you asked your mom for a favor to get me into the program. I wanted to earn my spot fair and square.”

“I wouldn’t have done that,” Luke says, eyebrows furrowed together in confusion. Even if he wanted to, his mom wouldn’t have taken his opinion into consideration when reviewing the applications.

“No, but imagine how that would look outside of us. From your mom’s point of view, how uncomfortable would it be to reject your son’s boyfriend and have to keep seeing him around? I didn’t want any sort of influence on her choice.”

“She was the one who introduced us in the first place though, clearly she already loved you?”

“Yeah and that’s something that I earned on my own. I didn’t want to have any outside influences impact my success or failure. That’s why I didn’t want you to tell her we were together in the first place.”

“That’s fucking stupid,” Luke says. Because it is fucking stupid. It all could have been avoided with communication and trust, but obviously Ashton doesn’t think that highly of him if he thinks that Luke would interfere with his future, for better or worse.

Ashton shrugs, “Maybe, but I needed to prove to myself that I could do this on my own.”

“But you could have avoided this whole issue if you just talked to me instead of convincing yourself that I was gonna mess things up.”

“You would have tried to convince me otherwise just like you’re doing right now, I know you better than that,” Ashton replies, finally standing to face Luke properly as he sits perched on the edge of the bed.

With an exasperated sigh, Luke closes his eyes. He’s right, but it’s still fucking frustrating to be treated like a child and intentionally deprived of information about the damn relationship he was in.

“But I’m in the program. I did it, on my own too. So, if you’ll have me, I’d love to have you back.”

The shocked and vaguely appalled laugh escapes Luke’s throat without warning, startling both of them. “You let me think that I wasn’t worthy of your love out in the open and fucking dragged me through emotional hell by going out on a date with someone else, and yet you still expect me to get back with you?”

Ashton’s face falls, creeping back to that sullen embarrassed and shame filled look that it’s held before. “Well,” Ashton starts slowly, but Luke cuts him off again.

“Look, I love you, I know I said that last night and I meant it. Really, but you put me through hell for a perfectly avoidable reason. I… I need some time to get over that, I think. Or at least I… I don’t know. I need to take a walk.”

“I’m not gonna stop you, but I… I do love you, Luke. I’ve loved you since the first day your mom set us up for lunch together when you were just an awkward first year worried about embarrassing yourself. You were so fucking endearing, like you just kept hesitating and worrying and, well, I was already infatuated. Like, fuck, okay, Sternberg’s three parts of love are intimacy, passion, and commitment. Intimacy is attachment and closeness. Passion is sexual attraction and infatuation. Commitment is well, wanting to be around them all the time and making long term plans. If you can tell me you don’t also feel those things, that’s fine, I’ll move on, but I love you, I’ve spent the past year studying the way I love you.”

There’s a heavy pause where Ashton’s words simmer in Luke’s mind as a jumbled mess of chaos. Ashton breaks that pause again. “But please go take that walk, take the time you need or whatever because I know my decisions weren’t exactly fair to you, but I hope you can at least see some of my points.”

Luke nods, slightly dazed under the confirmation that Ashton really does love him too, even after all this time, after all they’ve been through. He’s riding on the damn teacup ride at the fair, spinning around and around and it just won’t fucking stop spinning.

Ashton leaves his room without another word and Luke falls back against the blankets before quickly rolling over onto his stomach and screaming into the pillow. Why can’t things just be fucking simple for once! Just for once! Surely he hasn’t done anything bad enough to warrant this kind of horrible karma. He’s nice, he tries not to lie, and does the right thing as much as he can. Fuck the universe for messing all that up.

He rolls back over onto his back and inhales, shutting his eyes to avoid the reality of the world around him. Maybe this will stop the pounding in his head and his chest, both for very different reasons, with his heart thumping wildly with confusion and his head screaming at him for his past mistakes.

And if he falls asleep, that’s not on purpose.

The dreamland is mostly filled with nothing but cotton candy clouds and dreamy mountainscapes of no content. He’s blissfully void of all pain and thoughts, floating down a stream of warm air leading to nowhere. Luke finds himself thinking about how nice it would be if real life were this peaceful, immediately breaking from the dream.

“Annoying,” he mutters under his breath as he rubs at his eyes again. Why is it that you can realize you’re in a dream and that’s what takes you out of the dream? He just wanted to enjoy the blissful nothingness for a while longer without being drawn back to reality.

Luke sits up and evaluates his surroundings; Michael still not in the room — oops, he forgot to text Michael when Ashton left, bad roommate — and the sun pouring in through the window and a folder on the floor in front of the door. He does a double take back at the folder, narrowing his eyes at the abnormal shape on the ground. That definitely wasn’t there earlier when he got in bed, but who knows when it made an appearance on the ground.

Hesitantly, Luke stands to retrieve the thick folder, finding a small note written on the front.

”Maybe this will help you work through your thoughts. -A”

Luke opens the folder slowly and sucks in a breath at the first page.

Final Capstone: The Psychology of Falling In Love, by Ashton Irwin.

He backpedals until he’s sitting on the edge of the bed in an attempt to ground himself as he thumbs through the pages of Ashton’s final. ”Love at first sight is a myth,” one section starts, ”because to truly have love, one needs to know the concepts intimacy, passion, and commitment. Passion is the closest equivalent to love at first sight, immediately finding the person in front of you attractive. However, you cannot know true love until you’ve come to know someone deeply and fully, though that can happen in as little as just a few days. Sometimes, your first meeting can share enough information to create a pretty good indication that you will love that person.”

Luke holds his breath through the pages, speed reading it all but trying to take in every single word. Laid out in front of him, in black and white, is essentially the story of Ashton falling in love with Luke. The academic version, of course, with sources and explanations of what your brain is doing through these stages of falling in love, but it’s painfully, blatantly obvious that Ashton is talking about falling in love with Luke.

Sections lay out how important it is to feel comfortable around them, to be able to open up your space to them as if it was your own. Wanting to be with them all the time, even when you’re apart adds on another layer. Sexual intimacy is a part, but not always an important one in many relationships, sometimes it manifests with just physical touch being enough to bond two people together. Planning a future with their interests in mind as much as your own. It’s all there, written far better than Luke could ever imagine.

“Holy fuck,” he whispered under his breath, blinking at the final page of the paper in awe. Ashton may have his faults and may have made things unnecessarily complicated by not communicating, but how is Luke supposed to deny the sweetest thing someone has ever done for him? This doesn’t fix everything, not by any means, but Ashton dedicated an entire year worth of work to Luke. Everyday when he came back to his dorm complaining about the capstone, each night he spent reading page after page of research, was all about Luke.

Holy fuck, he needs to talk to Ashton, like, now.

Luke turns to put his shoes on and catches a glimpse of how fucking horrible he looks, all stringy, greasy hair from sweating at the party, oily face, and ratty pajamas. A quick shower is really in both of their best interests, saving them from a potentially tragic situation.

He speeds through his routine, impatiently scrubbing his teeth while rehearsing what he’s going to say to Ashton over and over in his head. Each time he comes up with something slightly different, slightly more meaningful or deep or questioning, until he says fuck it and decides he’s going to wing it in the moment.

The stairs down to Ashton’s room have never felt longer. They’re steep, tiny ravines to jump over on his way down to the treasure. His footfalls slow as he approaches the door, sucking in a few deep breaths to slow his racing heart before he knocks on the door and takes a step back.

An endless collection of seconds pass by before Ashton is opening the door with a slightly apprehensive, yet hopeful look in his eye. His plump lip is caught between his teeth as he looks at Luke expectantly, waiting for him to say something about the stack of papers clutched in his fingertips.

So he does the only thing his brain tells him to, he lunges forward and kisses him.

Ashton tumbles back a few steps with his arms wrapped around Luke’s torso, laughing through the gap in their mouths. Luke pulls back long enough to wrap his arms tightly around Ashton’s neck while laughing to himself, shaking his head in astonishment.

“You’re insane.”

“Love you too?” Ashton laughs, unable to help himself.

“You wrote your entire capstone about falling in love with me.”

“Technically it was about the concept of falling in love and attraction, but I guess you could interpret it that way too,” he teases, smirking at Luke.

“You’re not off the hook yet because that was a dick move and it’s gonna take more than just a proclamation of love to help me get over that lack of communication, which we absolutely will be talking about more, you fucker.”

Ashton smiles sheepishly, “I deserve that and more. Tell me how I can start making it up to you though? I’ll do anything.”

Luke licks his lips, tilting his head up to the ceiling with closed eyes. “Two things. One, you take me on a real, proper date like I deserve. I’m talking holding hands in public, kissing me at the table, all the cliche stuff.”

Ashton nods along, making tiny noises of affirmation in the back of his throat.

“And two,” Luke sighs, “When we fuck, this time you better leave a mark.”