Chapter Text
Obi-Wan was conflicted. His feet tapping away at the cockpit floor and wings fidgeting on either side of the pilot seat. At least no one else was around to witness how unbalanced he truly was.
So many emotions ran through his mind in a maelstrom, so many contradictions battling it out.
He was happy and excited. This was the first time he was going back to Stewjon, his place of birth and original culture before the Jedi, in over twenty two years. He was giddy with the thought of exploring what he should have known from the beginning and all that had been forgotten. The language, the customs, the people. They weren't his yet, but he held out hope in his heart that they one day would be again. He hoped he could discover the history, and about his blood-family and the Kenobi tribe.
But there were also so many things to fear.
What if he couldn't fit in? He had spent most of his life as a Jedi and going on adventures and missions throughout the known galaxy. The Jedi culture is already unique and some consider it to be dogmatic. Of course, the Jedi code has always been up to interpretation by the members of the order, but to those who aren't jedi the code is very strict and sometimes harsh. They misinterpret 'there is no emotion, there is peace' most often, and rule out the jedi as unfeeling droids. What if the Stewjoni also feel the same? What if the culture clash is too great?
Then there's the opposite outcome to be worried about. What if he fits in too well? So well that his place in the Jedi is questioned? There are those in the order that would consider even visiting his home planet a form of attachment. He can't imagine they would be very welcoming of him if he is successfully integrated in with Stewjoni society.
All of this was on top of the stress of the undercover mission. He originally was only given a month to prepare for the mission by the council. But with his visit to Stewjon he was given another 2 weeks on top for the shadow part of the intensive training. So there's a month to learn how to be as Stewjoni as possible, then two weeks work with Quinlan to be ready to make contact with the target. The timescale was not ideal, but the Jedi knights could not be afforded any more time. While Obi-Wan reconnected with his home planet, Quinlan would not be idle. He would be gathering as much intel from a distance as he could in case the shadows needed to accelerate their plans. Tillian's cartel was too much trouble to be left running for too much longer.
Despite all these thoughts, nothing compared to what he had been thinking for about an hour now.
Qui-Gon and he fought before his departure.
It wasn’t the first time he and his master had disagreed or had an argument and it certainly wouldn’t be the last. But this one… well it was bad. Words were said that neither could take back. Words that came from anger, and words that Obi-Wan hoped didn’t have much truth to them.
Obi-Wan could tell Qui-Gon’s opinion from the way he slowly and deliberately placed his tea cup onto its saucer on the caff table. It was the displeased action, accompanied by a slight frown that Qui-Gon always struggled to hide, that he saw often throughout his padawanship. It told Obi-Wan that Qui-Gon will give his opposing opinion in the most patronising way. What Padawan Kenobi had dubbed the ‘I know best, my very young padawan’ voice. And after Qui-Gon's debate with the Council and himself, Obi-Wan didn't hold out hope that he would like this opinion.
The young knight sighed and looked away before his former master could speak. “You… disapprove of the mission?”
Jinn cleared his voice. “I simply worry that… Perhaps you should petition the council to choose someone else for this… ‘shadow mission’.”
Obi-Wan had only told Qui-Gon the bare minimum. He hadn't told him of the severity, or the potential length. Only that the council has asked him to go undercover as a temporary Jedi Shadow to take down a bad organisation. Nothing more. In hindsight, maybe that's why he became so offended, knowing that his master was forming opinions despite him not knowing what the mission parameters were.
”I won’t be on my own, Master. I’ll have a shadow partner.” He deliberately left out that it was Quinlan. That wouldn’t go down well, knowing Quin and Qui-Gon’s opinions of each other. Qui-Gon thought Quinlan was nothing but trouble and felt he was a bad influence on his padawan. Quinlan blamed Qui-Gon for everything bad that happened to Obi-Wan - more specifically held a grudge over Melida-Daan despite Kenobi forgiving Qui-Gon years ago. "Besides, the Council have faith in me, they selected me specifically for this."
“That’s not as reassuring as you think. I simply feel you are…” He trailed off before humming to himself, picking up his tea cup and taking a sip to stop himself speaking further.
"I’m what?" Kenobi asked.
"Following the Council too blindly, trying to earn their approval. It was the same as yesterday when talking about Anakin's therapy."
"You're calling me a 'lap dog' again." Obi-Wan stated incredulously. He folded his arms in challenge. Being called a lap dog wasn't too bad, but the Stewjoni felt there was something else. "Is that seriously all there is to it?"
"Not really, I feel because of your willingness to follow their orders, the council are giving you too difficult a task too early."
"Do you not believe me to be capable?” O bi-Wan felt his frustration rise up, but he kept his voice calm.
“Truth be told, no.”
A slap to the face.
“I did not train you to be a shadow, and you are a fresh knight." Qui-Gon's flimsy reasonings were spoken, but Obi-Wan had frankly stopping listening at this point. "Your expertise lies in negotiation and lightsabre forms, not espionage or knowledge of the more seedier side of the galaxy.”
How could Qui-Gon still not-- after all these years, he still didn’t trust Obi-Wan’s ability. After all they had been through together - Bandomeer, Melida-Daan,… Dr Jenna Zan Arbor, Telos IV, New Apsolon, Naboo. Despite killing a sith, and despite all his missions as a green knight ending in success. Obi-Wan didn't know whether to feel angry at his former master or ashamed at himself for longing so desperately for his approval and falling short, again.
“Besides, as a Stewjoni the galaxy has never been kind to you. What you’ve been through already,” He shook his head. “Wherever this shadow mission takes you will be worse, I can guarantee you that. I just feel you are not ready. You lack the training and the experience.”
He chose to be angry.
“Please, all due respect master, shut up.”
Qui-Gon fell silent for a beat but he let his ire known. A sharp spike down the bond.
"You do this every time. I've come to you with an achievement and all you've done is belittle me." Obi-Wan shook his head and laughed humourlessly. “Every time."
“I don’t appreciate being told to ‘shut up’, Padawan.”
“Yeah, well I don’t appreciate being censured and basically called incompetent.” He snapped back standing quickly. “And I’m not your padawan anymore. Sometimes I feel that’s the problem, you don’t recognise me as your equal, your colleague. I feel you have wholly underestimated me, again. Why must you be so critical? Why can’t you just be supportive for once?”
Qui-Gon frowned. “I merely said what I thought," He shuffled, readjusting his robe on his lap. "And what do you mean ‘for once’? I’ve been supportive of you your whole padawanship.”
Kenobi huffed. “My whole padawanship, huh? You’re lying to yourself if you think that’s true. I was never good enough for you. I never met your expectations no matter how much I strived for your approval!”
“That’s not true!” He exclaimed indignantly, standing as well. “You were always a diligent and worthy apprentice.”
“That’s not what you told the council when you first recommended me for the trials.” He exaggeratedly put his hand to his chin as if in thought “What were those words again? Ah yes! I remember now! ‘Capable but much to learn’. Such high words of praise for your 'worthy' padawan of 12 years. Tell me were you planning on ditching me for Anakin that day?
“There is no need for that sass, padawan. It is immature.”
“Perhaps it is immature and unnecessary, but I don’t hear any denial.”
Qui-Gon remained silent.
“Was it a spur of the moment decision to repudiate me?” Kenobi’s eyes narrowed, arms crossing. “Or were you just waiting twelve years for the perfect excuse?”
“I never wanted to repudiate you!”
“No. You just wanted a padawan who could live up to Xanatos’ skill without the dark side tendencies.”
Simmering silence filled the room, the air charged and ready to explode.
That was the wrong thing to say. Xanatos would always be the wrong thing to say. A sore wound that would never heal in Master Qui-Gon’s heart. Obi-Wan felt the heavy sinking of guilt in his chest, but he couldn't take it back now. He took a deep breath.
His former master’s expression turned stormy. It was the angriest Qui-Gon ever got.
“How can you blame me?” Qui-Gon seethed, teeth gritting against the need to raise his voice. “When an angry little boy was forced upon me, one who was painfully useless in every regard except for his rare species and his selfless need to sacrifice himself. Clumsy and uncouth. How could you live up to my previous padawan in ability when the only similarity I could see was his darkness inside you? I made you into someone. I made you the knight you are today, and to disrespect me like this? How dare you?!”
The stewjoni trembled on the spot. Every doubt confirmed in his mind. He clenched his fists to his side.
He was a Jedi Knight now.
And he didn’t need to stand for this anymore.
Despite his shaking, despite the knives stabbing into his heart and the brick wall he viciously slammed up along their bond, he bowed.
“Thank you Master Jinn, for your honesty.”
When he rose up again, the expression on Jinn’s face was a mix of anger, shock and shame as if he didn’t know which one to choose. He opened his mouth as if to speak but Obi-Wan beat him there.
“I’m headed to Stewjon. Give Anakin my regards.”
Then he stormed out in a swish of robes and feathers.
Perhaps not his finest moment… something that should have been a simple visit to share a proud achievement with his master escalated into something unnecessarily harsh. Sharp blows landed on both sides that Obi-Wan didn’t actually believe either man wanted to say. At least, he hoped Qui-Gon didn't believe those things about him. If that were the case he must have been glad to be rid of Obi-Wan, and a bit of distance would be good for them. Maybe the argument was long overdue. Obi-Wan couldn’t remember the last time their fights had gotten so personal, and yet they didn’t even cover all the grievances that sat between them, simply brushing the surface.
A loud beeping interrupted his thinking, an amber light blinking its warning. He was exiting hyperspace.
The Sewjoni system wasn’t too far from Coruscant as it was in the deep core. Many millennia ago when the Old Republic was first formed, the core planets were some of the first to be extended invites, including Stewjon. At the time they politely declined and also sent a very blunt request to be wholly left alone. Throughout the republic's history there had been times where contact was made with similar results of being told to go away. There were also reports of slaver sightings, people like the Zygerrians and Hutts who were brave enough to try and tempted by myth and speculation. Other than that, everything about the planet was locked away behind Stewjon's atmosphere.
That was all Padawan Kenobi could learn from the temple archives and senate databases, or rather the only concrete evidence. Everything else was from word of mouth throughout history. That Cultural Planets assignment was especially hard for him, not knowing what was fact and what was spacer-stories. Growing up, trying to learn about yourself and what exactly you were, was hard. He often felt alone.
Master Qui-Gon was a big help...
And how do I thank him? I'm such an idiot.
He angrily flipped the switch to leap out of hyperspace.
The blue streaks faded out of his vision and left a large planet in his viewport, and suddenly his ire didn't matter.
She was beautiful, a mix of green and blue. A splash of yellow in the more tropical zone. Whites at the poles and the several mountain ranges that he could see. He could see the meadows, similar to that of his mindscape, and the oceans and lakes. The settlements where his people awaited. A swell of emotion rose up in his throat. She was so familiar, and yet it was as if he was taking her in for the first time.
After a minute or two of staring, someone from below hailed him. He pressed the answer button.
“Jedi Shuttle 238, Her Majesty notified us of your arrival, we’ve been expecting you.” A voice with a thick brogue accent spoke over the comm unit. “Sun-Ray, Tribe of the Sun. Welcome back home.”