Chapter Text
SIX: EPILOGUE
Things changed .
How could they stay the same after all that happened?
After that night, Jungkook came back to the church, late and quiet, wearing clothes that weren't his. The priest asked him if he was okay and he said that he was tired.
He stays too quiet .
He avoids having long conversations with the priest because he fears the truth will come out.
Jungkook and the priest were always very close and between them existed an unbroken trust and honesty. Because of that, Jungkook grew up being a talkative guy who shared all his confusions, fears and doubts with his loved ones. So, he just feels the need to communicate all that's going on inside him, his feelings, his experience, his doubts and his curiosities, but he has no one. This is something he can't talk with anyone, not because Kim Namjoon wanted it to be a secret, but because it's a sin in the eyes of the priest.
The priest loves him, Jungkook knows that, he's sure that this man would do anything to protect him from anything bad that could happen to him. And he also knows that he wants the best for him. But what's good or bad isn't something objective to Jungkook anymore, so he can't accept being judged by that.
If the priest knows about this, he would blame himself for exposing Jungkook to Kim Namjoon, blame Jungkook for what he did, and blame Kim Namjoon for promoting those kinds of acts. The result would be devastating for the three of them. Jungkook couldn't live with the guilt and the shame.
Those thoughts haunt him during the bedtime when he finally realizes what he was doing. Lying, having sex and coming back to the church, saluting God's image like he's still the same loyal follower he was yesterday. He sighs, the flashbacks of the night fill his head and he keeps feeding them with new ideas and things he wants to try in the future. It's like a door had opened and now that he saw what was outside, he can't close it again.
🕯️
The weeks passed and Jungkook stopped trying to repress his thoughts. He can't stop remembering what Kim Namjoon says about the penetrative sex, how he should open himself. So, he has been trying to get to that point, enjoying the pleasure he just discovered there. Masturbating became something like a routine, like a habit. Fingering himself was his favorite method.
It is addictive .
That's something Kim Namjoon didn't tell him. But when something produces a huge amount of enjoyment, you can overdo it, because when the feeling disappears, you just want to feel it again. It is never enough .
His busy schedule doesn't leave him too much space for that either, so he sleeps less. His new lifestyle is exhausting. Pretending, expressing himself in two different ways: trying to fit his new self in his old spaces it's so tiring. The pressure, the fear and the frustration and the fact that Kim Namjoon has been absent for his work travels, all of that is accumulating to drive him crazy.
He heard about the life of those who practice a lustful lifestyle, and the consequences they face. The priest was very persistent about it. So, Jungkook feels the weight of this life, the weight that can only exist for the exhaustion of having to hide and pretend. There are some nights when Jungkook wants to explode in a million pieces and let the air spread to him freely.
Jungkook stopped reading religious poetry, and staying extra hours in the choir practice, and talking with those who visit the church frequently, so he has more time to be himself, explore who he is and how he wants to be.
🕯️
Jungkook enters Kim Namjoon's house to work as he does regularly. But this time he finds some bags in the front door. An overwhelmed excitement overcomes him.
"Mary," Jungkook says, entering the house, calling the maid who takes care of the place when Kim Namjoon isn't home.
He doesn't receive an answer, so he keeps walking in until he hears voices in Kim Namjoon's Office. The door was half open and Jungkook could see Mary talking to Kim Namjoon. Jungkook can't see the man but his voice is impossible to confuse with someone else's. A big smile appears in his mouth just for the happiness of seeing him again.
Jungkook waits but even if it was less than a second, he can't wait anymore. Kim Namjoon is the only one who knows who he really is, and he's the only one he can talk to. So, he opens the door and steps inside. Kim Namjoon's eyes open wide when he recognizes him, both stay hypnotized admiring each other's presence.
"I'm here to work as always, sir," Jungkook says. "I didn't know you were back," he smiles and Kim Namjoon does it too. "Welcome home,"
Kim Namjoon nods. "Thank you, Jungkook" he says. "How have you been? Mary said you have been working very diligently" he adds.
"What Mary says is correct," he says.
"Mary," Kim Namjoon calls her. "You can go rest for the rest of the day, everything is perfectly clean and in order," he says. "I'll take care of the rest"
"Of course, sir" she says and leaves the office, closing the door behind her.
The two men turn shy after being left alone. Kim Namjoon sighs. "You look great," he says to him. "Also, very different"
Jungkook smiles. His hair looks less perfect as it used to be, now looks messier and more natural. His eyes look smaller and his body language seems to be more elastic, like he's been exercising or practicing other activities that made him gain control over his body.
"Thank you," Jungkook says. "You look happier than before"
Kim Namjoon smiles. "Less serious, I'd say"
Jungkook nods. "Truth"
There's an elephant in the room that no one wants to address directly but they are both aware of it. But, how to talk about it? how to say what they are feeling? Both are afraid of the other's feelings. No one wants their heart to be broken.
"We can come back to wor-" Kim Namjoon starts saying, walking to the door, but stops when Jungkook hugs him tightly.
"I'm glad that you are back," he confesses.
"I'm glad to be back too," Kim Namjoon replies, hugging him with the same force.
The day passed, they just dedicated themselves to work on what they normally work. Doing paperwork and things like that. For time to time, they look at each other in silence and they come back to their activities. They look like they are waiting for the right time to finally speak. Jungkook can't wait but his instinct says that it's the right thing to do.
Jungkook leaves the paper work well organized over Kim Namjoon's table. "It's all done," he says distractedly, trying to hide the smile growing on his face.
"Perfect," Kim Namjoon says.
Jungkook ignores Kim Namjoon's indifference and grabs his things, taking his jacket too, and that's when a hand stops him, holding him by his wrist. He looks at the person doing it. Jungkook for sure changed. His innocence and his shy eyes are now firm and searching for his partner's look.
"I'm leaving," Jungkook says. "Unless you need me for something else" he adds.
"You did a good job today," Kim Namjoon tells him. These are all excuses. "Wanted you to know that"
"Practice makes perfect," Jungkook says. His words sound obscene even if they have a completely different meaning.
"You didn't waste your time when I was out, did you?" Kim Namjoon asks.
Jungkook smiles. "I have been doing my homework"
Kim Namjoon doesn't understand this one. "Oh?" he asks. "I told you not to bring work to your home, you should rest"
Jungkook laughs. "Hyung!" Jungkook whines. "I'm ready, should I prove it to you?"
Kim Namjoon remains clueless. "Namjoon-hyung," Jungkook says, looking him directly into the eyes. "I am ready for your dick"
Kim Namjoon squeezes his hand around him after hearing that. Jungkook nods, confirming it. "That's how I have been spending time, fingering myself until I feel ready for you" Jungkook confirms.
"Hyung," Jungkook sighs, the lust washes a little bit of his eyes. "How could you leave me after what we did?" he whispers sadly. "I went crazy without you, I had no one to talk to," his hand is playing with Kim Namjoon's suit.
"I hated it too," Kim Namjoon replies. "But I had to" he adds.
Jungkook shakes his head and palms Kim Namjoon's crotch through the pants. "I shouldn't have done it, uh?" Kim Namjoon whispers. "Should have stayed and fuck you like I promised?"
Jungkook nods and then kisses Kim Namjoon better than before. They both moan.
🕯️
Once in the position he wanted, Jungkook's bravery fades a little bit, he starts to look like that guy from one month ago, who came for the first time in the hands of this man. Kim Namjoon's wet three fingers are deep inside his hole, fingering him deliciously. Jungkook is fucking himself against them lazily and moaning slightly.
Jungkook's wet right hand searches for Kim Namjoon's dick and strokes it, hinting that he's ready to get it inside. Kim Namjoon kisses him passionately and flexes his legs, planting his feet in the mattress firmly.
"Don't try to fit it all in at once," Kim Namjoon whispers against his lips. "We have time for you to get used to its size"
Kim Namjoon takes his fingers out and Jungkook moans for the sudden loss of sensations. "Hold on to my legs, okay?" Kim Namjoon suggests him. Jungkook nods, grabs the dick, and rubs it against his hole. Quickly, he starts to penetrate himself, the feeling of having it inside leaves him with an open mouth. A moan leaves his mouth.
It's not even half inside but Jungkook thinks it's good to make little steps, so, he starts to fuck himself on it. His hands are over Kim Namjoon's chest, and he feels his partner's hands touching him everywhere. He can't help but moan and get himself even more turned than he already is.
The minutes passed and his hole started to adapt to the size, and allowed Jungkook to take more and more, until he finally sat over him, holding himself by the knees. "Oh, my god," he moans. "Yeah," he moans and starts to move in circles, afraid of moving up and down before making sure it isn't going to hurt. And that's when he feels the dick touching his prostate. His eyes turn white .
"My god," he almost cries. "I want more," he moans. Jungkook loses a little bit of balance and quickly holds himself with his hands over Kim Namjoon's chest while he holds him by the hips.
Kim Namjoon pulls him closer to kiss him in the mouth, his dick moves a little bit out of his ass and that's when he starts to fuck upwards into Jungkook slowly. "Oh, shit!" he says between the kisses. "That's so good, hyung, don't stop, ah!"
"Fuck, you're squeezing my dick so good," Kim Namjoon whispers to him. They both moan and Jungkook sits again. They keep fucking slowly until they are so worked up. Then, it's when Kim Namjoon starts to fuck up again but faster this time, making Jungkook bounce over him.
"So good, so good, hyung, please" Jungkook begs. "Wanna orgasm just for your dick, do it harder-" he moans.
"Hyung," he calls. The sound of the wetness of the penetration is very loud and it's staying in Jungkook's memory for the rest of his life. "Ah…" he moans.
"Hyung, I love it," he says when the rhythm starts to slow down. It's still good, deeper enough for Jungkook to see stars but he would like it to be rougher. But it wasn't necessary, because after some minutes at that pace, Jungkook's eyes filled with tears and his mouth fell open.
Kim Namjoon wraps his hand around Jungkook's dick but he stops holding him by the wrist and then he comes all over him and over his hand. The thrusts continue but very slowly, just to help Jungkook to relax again.
Kim Namjoon hugs him while he keeps thrusting inside, kissing him all over his face. Both are agitated. "How was that?" Kim Namjoon whispers.
"Hyung, ah… it's too much," Jungkook says and grabs Kim Namjoon's dick and takes it out slowly. "Ah…" he moans. "I loved it, hyung, it's so good"
Kim Namjoon smiles weakly. "I'm glad" he says.
"It's still so hard," Jungkook says, stroking his dick, feeling the veins with his thumb. Kim Namjoon moans.
Jungkook kisses him again and then moves slowly to his dick and starts to suck it lazily. Taking only what's comfortable. He's making Kim Namjoon go crazy. "That's so perfect…" Kim Namjoon moans quietly. Then Jungkook goes down and takes one of his balls inside his mouth. "Fuck, ah…"
"So good, Jungkook" he says. "You're so good," he adds. Jungkook comes back to his dick. "Ah…" and that's when he comes, half inside Jungkook's mouth and the rest over his own stomach.
🕯️
Five months passed after that second night. They have been fucking daily since that day. If you come to Kim Namjoon's house, an hour before Jungkook's work's schedule ends, you would find them fucking expertly, like they are a married couple, like they know each other for years.
Jungkook holds Kim Namjoon's head while he sucks his dick, pushing it down a little bit to take more of him. "Oh, god," he moans and Kim Namjoon fits it all inside his mouth making Jungkook want to cry. He pulls away with an obscene sound. They both kiss and then Jungkook wraps his legs around Kim Namjoon's body and feels his dick getting inside. It is so easy and smooth compared to old times that it makes both moan. Immediately after, they start to fuck.
The goosebumps fill Jungkook's body with every thrust against his prostate. "Oh, fuck" he moans. "I love how you fuck me, I love fucking with you"
"I love it too," Kim Namjoon moans into his ear.
When the orgasm hits them, Kim Namjoon rests his sweaty head over Jungkook's stomach. They are breathing fast.
"Do you think you can stay a little bit more today?" Kim Namjoon asks. "I want to try some new things with you"
Jungkook laughs. "If you want to lock me here and fuck me all day, just say it" he jokes.
"I don't need to lock you here because you want to stay," Kim Namjoon says, kissing his stomach.
"Half of an hour would be enough?" Jungkook asks.
Kim Namjoon laughs. "If you can come that fast…"
Jungkook laughs too. "You want me for the whole night, don't you?" he says, helping Kim Namjoon to come closer to kiss him.
"Yes," he replies. "But I won't insist if you really want to go,"
Jungkook smile. "Okay," he says. "I'll stay"
Kim Namjoon almost choked for the surprise. "Really?" he asks, surprised. Jungkook nods with a precious smile, his eyes are glowing. "What about the priest?" he asks.
Jungkook shakes his head. "I'll take care of it," he replies. "Trust me, I have it all fixed"
Kim Namjoon nods. "I trust you"
They kiss.
Kim Namjoon wants to take care of Jungkook and protect his old life, that's why he takes precautions, but doesn't know that Jungkook just took his first decision without thinking about the priest's decision. He decided to stay because he wanted to.
Things will be awful someday .
Right now, they aren't , and that's all that matters to Jungkook right now.
🕯️
Jungkook opens the door of the priest's office after avoiding the meeting the whole day. There's another priest in the place but they shut up when they see him enter.
The priest sighs and looks at Jungkook relieved because he was very worried about him. "Priest," he says to the other man in the room. "Can we continue this conversation tomorrow?" he asks.
The other priest knows he stopped being the center of the priest's attention after he saw Jungkook entering. "Yeah, of course," he says and walks to the door. "Have a good evening"
"You too!" Jungkook and the priest speak at the same time.
When the door closes, the priest sits behind his desk and Jungkook does it too. He's avoiding eye contact and hesitating to talk.
"Priest," he starts. "I am sorry I have been coming back late-"
"Please, don't, boy" the priest says with a relieved smile. "I was worried, that's true, but now that you're here I am perfectly fine"
Jungkook doesn't say a word and nods. He lets the priest talk.
"I knew a day would come when you like outside more than here," the priest says. "I knew also that Kim Namjoon would open a lot of door for you, and he would keep you busy and you would definitely have to stay later"
Jungkook is very shocked, he definitely was waiting for another reaction, but the priest never really got mad at him, not even when he was a child, so it's very crazy that Jungkook was scared. Maybe it was the weight of the sins that he feels is what is keeping him so pressed and guilty.
"It means that I have to see you later, that's sad," the priest says. "But it also means that you are building a brighter future for you," he says. "That's what matters the most. God knows my personal desires should be put aside."
Jungkook smiles sadly.
"Oh?" The priest reacts when he sees Jungkook's face. "Is everything alright?"
Jungkook sighs. It's hurting more than he thought it would. Because when he agreed to let Kim Namjoon fuck him the whole night, he wasn't thinking at all, he could be even near to imagine the sadness and the guilt.
Jungkook nods. "Yes," he says. "Everything has been so alright, priest" he says, tears growing in his eyes.
The priest touches his hand. "You don't have to thank me at all," he says. "I told you before"
Jungkook shakes his head. "I have been staying late at night with Kim Namjoon," Jungkook tells the priest. "But not because of work…" he keeps saying.
He wants to say it but he just can't.
"Priest," he says, repressing a sob. "I don't know if I want to become a priest"
The priest's facial expression changes but he doesn't interrupt him, he keeps listening.
"I am not sure," he repeats. "Like you said, Kim Namjoon has been opening a lot of doors to me and showing me other options that I like more"
The priest smiles. "Being a priest won't take away your dreams, Jungkook" he argues. "You know there are…"
"Priests that are teachers, lawyers, and doctors, I know that," Jungkook completes the phrase. "That's not…" he says but suddenly stops.
"If the vocation isn't the problem," the priest says. "Then, what's failing is your… faith?" he says sadly.
Jungkook looks down and shakes his head.
"If I wasn't that faithful, priest," Jungkook says sadly. "If I didn't believe in God's word like I do," he adds. "Then I could keep chasing after the dream of becoming a priest"
The priest is confused now.
"Look, priest," he says. "I haven't been following the Bible correctly lately," he continues. "I have been absent from my normal activities, and I have been skipping my prayers at night, I have been having thoughts and desires that aren't appropriated" Jungkook says defeated and with his eyes overflowing with shame.
Jungkook hears the priest sighing. "It shocks me, it's true," he replies. "But it's normal that a young man like you can have thoughts and desires that aren't pure, but that doesn't mean you can't control them with time and mold your character" the priest explains. "Don't be afraid of God, Jungkook, he is your friend, not your enemy and he will love you and protect you no matter what"
"It's not just that, I haven't only been sinning in thought, I also did it in actions, word and omission" he says. "I have been thinking, doing, saying and hiding things. I don't think God can forgive easily"
The priest sighs. "Don't overthink it," he says. "There's nothing He can't forgive,"
"I have been having sex," Jungkook says. "With Kim Namjoon, that's why I have been staying the whole night there, because I was sleeping with him in his bed"
The confession made Jungkook feel very light, but at the same time it covered him with the mark of a thousand sins.
The priest keeps himself quiet for a few seconds. When Jungkook looks up at him, his eyes seem to be very close to falling off his lids. His hand reaches his glasses and he takes them off, resting the back of his hand over his forehead for a second. Then, he sighs.
"Oh god," he whispers. "I should have known" he says and then he starts to move around the office, thinking and looking nervous. Jungkook starts to panic.
"Priest," Jungkook tries to call. "Please, calm down"
"How can I calm down when I sent you there alone with a person like him?!" The priest says and Jungkook sees the deception in the man's face.
"A person like him?" Jungkook asks.
"Yes, a person like him," the priest repeats. "A man who likes to molest other guys to turn them into what he likes"
Jungkook sighs, he feels like crying. It's shocking what this man is saying and at the same time, he knows it was said with the biggest love in the world.
"I am not a kid anymore," Jungkook says. "You can't give him all the credit for this!"
"How can't I?" The priest says. "He's an atheist, and a pervert!"
Jungkook can't say anything anymore, he never saw the priest like this before. He feels sad and disgustedly guilty for all the things this man is saying.
"Jungkook, you might be an adult now," the priest says, holding him by the shoulders. "But there's a lot of things you don't know about"
"Kim Namjoon didn't force me into anything," Jungkook affirms. "I was the one who started to feel in a special way towards him. I was the one who asked for everything. He never forced me to do anything!" Jungkook confesses.
The priest stays silent. "I am this way, priest" Jungkook whispers.
"You're not!" The priest says. "I have known you since you were a kid, I raised you! I know exactly who you are!"
"How could you know?" Jungkook asks. "I don't even know who I am?!"
"And Kim Namjoon knows better?" The priest asks.
This is not a discussion between a priest and a catholic, they look like father and son. The priest lost all his manners and his beliefs, just because he was seeing Jungkook wanting to do something that, in his eyes, could hurt himself.
"He doesn't crop reality to fit a narrative ," Jungkook says. "He tells me everything and let me judge what I think it's right."
"He let you decide? Are you being yourself right now? Blaspheming God's word ? Calling it a narrative ?" The priest accuses him.
Jungkook looks down, he feels the same anger that the priest feels. He feels guilty and scared of himself too.
"I have been feeling so much guilt and pain because I was following what you and the Bible said, father. I wanted to be a good catholic, I wanted to follow the Bible correctly… but I can't" Jungkook says sadly. The tears come down his cheeks.
"Being… this way is what I am and what I want to do, you know I have never been good when it comes to Abstinence and Will," Jungkook says. "All these years I looked up to you and admired your capacity to avoid and ignore any temptation, waited for the day I could be like you, knowing deep down inside me that I wouldn't be able to."
The priest shakes his head.
"I don't want to be unhappy," Jungkook says. "I don't want to feel guilty and miserable anymore. I want to study other things, know other people, work and gain money, build a whole new life," Jungkook explains. "And I want to become a man you can be proud of," Jungkook adds. "but I can't be that man faking, pretending, and lying," Jungkook continues. "I realized that I can't be myself and still be someone loved by God"
"To be a good catholic you have to be someone who's ready to sacrifice inner desires for others, that's what makes us less selfish and less unjust" the priest says. "If you are not even trying to do it, then, you can't even be a good catholic, let alone a priest" the priest continues. "I raised you to be strong, perseverant, selfless and hardworking, and I tried to build a church with the same values," the priest says. "It was dumb of me to think you wouldn't be blind by the lights as soon as you could leave the church"
"I am not being naive or something, priest," Jungkook says. "I know I am young and inexperienced but that doesn't make my decisions any less strong"
"And I thought the same, that's why I trusted you" the priest says. "Now I know I was wrong," the priest continues. "I am so disappointed on you, Jungkook"
"I am disappointed in myself too," Jungkook whispers, looking down. "I'm looking forward to the day I am not"
The priest listened but he pretended he didn't. Jungkook nods and walks to the door. "I think I should leave now," he says. He wishes the priest could stop him right now, tell him that he will fix all of this, that he can go back to what it used to be. But he fears that even if that happens, he would still choose to go.
"It's the right thing to do," the priest says. "Anyone who dares to blaspheme God's word shouldn't be living in His house."
Jungkook cries and tries to dry his tears quickly, before the priest sees them. "God bless you, father" he says and leaves.
🕯️
ONE YEAR AFTER
"And what you told them you were going to visit on vacations?" Kim Namjoon asks while he kisses him.
"I told them you were a casual lover, " Jungkook replies, kissing him back. Their naked bodies pressed together.
Kim Namjoon laughs.
"What's so funny?" Jungkook asks.
"It's just that I can't believe that after studying in Italy, meeting all those beautiful and young Italian men, you still come back to me" Kim Namjoon says.
Jungkook laughs too, then he bites his lips. "Because I love how you fuck me" he says like it's nothing, and then his cheeks turn red.
Kim Namjoon laughs again. "Your dirty talk is getting better"
Jungkook hides his face behind his two hands. "See? I come back because sometimes I miss having this conversation with someone who knows me and understands that I am working hard to be more like myself and less like a robot" Jungkook says. "Men in Italy think I am a master in sex or something, and it's good sometimes, but some others I just want to be with someone who really knows me and loves me that way"
"That person will appear sooner or later," Kim Namjoon says.
Jungkook looks at him in the eyes and smile. "I'm not looking for it desperately," he says. "I think it's maybe closer than I think"
Kim Namjoon smiles. Jungkook knows he knows exactly who he is talking about, but neither of them are going to say it out loud. They are both foolishly attracted to each other.
"Look," Kim Namjoon says, searching over his nightstand. "This letter was left here this morning, it's for you"
Jungkook takes it. "For me?" He asks, searching for any information on the envelope. But it only says: Jungkook . "How could this person know I was going to be here?"
Dear Jungkook :
It's a pleasure to inform you that you are formally invited to the celebration of the 30th anniversary of the foundation of church "Mother Mary". The holy mass will be celebrated at 20:00 and afterwards we will share some snacks and drinks with the community.
We will be really honored with your visit.
Please, don't miss it!
God bless you too,
Father Wen .
An overwhelming joy invades Jungkook's body, and he just laughs softly, and a tear falls shyly down his cheek. He doesn't say it but the word 'finally' is stuck in his throat. His past self and his new self, both seem to be close to the reconciliation. God bless you too , Jungkook won't forget those words in a lifetime.
"It's from the priest," Jungkook says, showing the letter to Kim Namjoon. "He's inviting me to the anniversary of the church"
Kim Namjoon smiles. "Really?" Kim Namjoon asks. "You want to go?"
Jungkook smiles. "There was no day I didn't wish to come back," he says. "Wouldn't like to be anywhere else"
Jungkook stands up from bed and starts to search, in his untouched bags, for something to wear in the ceremony. He's so excited and happy that it makes Kim Namjoon laugh.
Jungkook is perfectly ambivalent. His reaction to the letter reminds Kim Namjoon to the young man he met a long ago, the one who was still hiding behind the Bible and the faith, but now he's being loud and expressing his content and joy, and that reminds Kim Namjoon to the new Jungkook.
And then is when Kim Namjoon understood the meaning of the words Jungkook just said: Wouldn't like to be anywhere else.