Chapter Text
“Jiminie?”
The young idol looks up, relieved that he isn’t on his own anymore. Sitting at a table in a pyeonuijeom, furiously hoping that no one will recognise him, is not where he saw himself end up earlier that day, but when he woke up from a nice dream that suddenly turned into a nightmare, Jimin just couldn’t stay in bed any longer.
“Hyungs… I’m so sorry -”
“You don’t ever have to apologise, but you are going to have to explain to us why we are here right now. Did something happen? Your text message sounded so… Panicked?”
Seo-Joon sits himself down next to the younger, quickly followed by Bo Hyun, Minho, Minhyuk and Hyungsik. Each of them have a worried look on their faces, but also a soft smile. It’s been a while since they had seen their maknae because all of them had been very busy, but knowing that Jimin still had faith in all of them, it definitely did something to them.
“It must be something serious if you contact us now, in the middle of the night. Also… I can’t help but notice your boyfriends aren’t here.”, Bo Hyun points out, “Did they hurt you again?”
“No, no! Of course not. I’m being ridiculous, but if someone is going to understand where I’m coming from, it’s you.”
“Knowing you Minnie, I think I know what is going on.”, Minhyuk tells him, “Or maybe it’s because I have been waiting for this moment, but I don’t think I’m too far off.”
Everyone is looking at him. Minhyuk might be one of the more silly members of their band of brothers, he is also very perceptive, but if he knows what is happening and the others don’t… Have they been paying enough attention to their youngest?
“You are too happy.”, Minhyuk tells Jimin and before he can explain it further, he is met with a chorus of disagreements.
“What are you on about? He is happy, the happiest he’s ever been, I agree but how is that a bad thing?”, Minho shakes his head, not understanding what’s so bad about loving life.
“Minnie can never be too happy. He deserves everything good and more! Too happy? Do you want him to be sad?”, Hyungsik clacks his tongue in utter annoyance, ready to hit his friend over the head.
Being the only one who saw Jimin nod slightly, Seo-Joon tells the other to quiet down and let Minhyuk explain. As the second eldest in their friend group, people tend to listen to him quickly, but it’s Bo Hyun staying quiet, cleary paying attention to his same age friend, that calms the others down. The power of the eldest, for sure.
“I’m not saying Jiminie is too happy, it’s how he feels. He has only ever been this happy a handful of times in his life and whenever he did, something always went wrong. He was happy as a toddler, he had to give up his family. When he finally allowed himself to relax and be fully happy with his second family, they died. Then he joined BigHit, which was another great moment in life for him, he was bullied for two years, torn down completely by his members that he loved so dearly… Then in the military, he found himself a new family… We all know what happened there. Then he came back, his band mates promised to look after him, he ended up being attacked in a mall, being hit in the face, nearly went solo… Now he’s in a relationship with six people who were horrible to him but have made all the changes to show him that they mean well with him, but he’s still guarding his heart, making sure he’s not getting hurt. Something he doesn’t want to think about during the day, so at night that results in nightmares. For the longest time he was the right person in the wrong place. Despite being happy, the world always decided he didn’t fit in or he didn’t belong. Am I wrong?”
Jimin shakes his head, because no, Minhyuk is not wrong. He always wanted to build a proper life with certain people and it was always taken away from him. People would always tell him that those people, those places weren’t right for him, that he would know when he would belong. But every time he thought he knew, he clearly didn’t. Now, being accepted in his boyfriends’ families, being accepted by them, something he has been dreaming of for years… His brain can’t help but provide him with all the scenarios that can go wrong.
“I never felt like this with you… And I thought I was getting better… Then why?”
“Minnie, we never hurt you. It’s that simple. The attack in the military didn’t involve any of us and we have been there for you without any doubt. Our friendship was so easy and it still is. Our biggest difficulty was having to learn to trust your band mates and not bad mouthing them when they were trying to be better, but we have overcome that.”, Hyungsik replies.
“I thought I had too. We are good now. They put in so much work, as did I.”, Jimin rubs his eyes. Still so very tired, but also jittery, nervous and just… All over the place. He has always known that he feels a lot, too much, but the way he is feeling tonight… It’s been a while since he felt this… Whatever this is.
“You have been working hard, just like your boyfriends have been, but you can’t forget that for the first two years of you guys working together, they traumatized you. Whenever they pretended to be nice to you, the bad treatment you got afterwards was insane. It wasn’t just ignoring you, there were insults, mockery, physically hurting you. It was proper abuse, mentally, physically and emotionally. You are used to putting up a wall, several walls if we are being honest, in order to survive. Knocking them down, no matter how smooth you want it to go, there are going to be bumps in the road. Your heart might be ready to fully love these boys, but your head is going to remind you of things to look out for. That is normal. Healing isn’t just supposed to be hard for a while and then all ranbows and butterflies. You are going to have bad moments, good moments, the ones in between and the moments that you have no idea how to categorize them, like today. Things go well, but your brain tells you to watch out and you have no clue why. That’s confusing and it’s more than fine to admit that you are confused. If they love you as much as they say they do, they will understand that.”, Minho says, while scooting a little closer, trying to soothe Jimin with his presence.
“Besides, I’m pretty sure you are not the only one having moments like these. Those six guys are probably still scared you are going to walk out on them. The fact that they have been behaving like literal puppies, to make sure you are happy and smiley… The change in them is incredible, but that came with a lot of work and will need even more work. What you can’t forget is that the six of them are dealing with their own fears, one of those fears is definitely losing you. The thing is... You didn’t hit them, insult them… They don’t have that trauma to battle through. In turn, their fears you don’t have, but the advantage they have is that they have several people to talk to about, what they think is, their irrational fear. You don’t. I mean, you have us, but we’ll always take your side because we are very biased. We know what happened because we saw a few things and we heard your stories, but we never lived it. The six of them have gone through the same experiences. They do understand each other.”, Bo Hyung continues, “But I am truly convinced that your boyfriends will do their very best to understand you. Even if they can’t, they’ll try to do their best to make you feel understood by listening. They aren’t the men we met in that hospital.”
“I can’t wait for my brain to decide that it’s safe.”
“Your brain knows that it is safe, but sometimes something will trigger you and unfortunately for you, it will probably be for the rest of your life. You needed them at a moment in your life that you already felt vulnerable, but instead they made you even weaker. That’s not something you just forget. It becomes a part of you, it turned you into the person you have become. But when it happens again, talk to them about it. I think they’d prefer it if you wake them up in the middle of the night to confide in them, over you running outside without anyone to keep you safe to hide out in a convenience store for your hyungs to arrive. Did you tell them you were coming here? Or that you were meeting us?”, Seo-Joon questions. Knowing very well that his youngest friend forgets about everything when he’s panicking.
“Oh no, I forgot! I started typing a message when I arrived at the store, but then other people came in and I realised I didn’t have any disguise on, so I hid myself and then panicked more… I never send that message. They are going to be so angry with me. Ugh! I can’t do anything right!”, Jimin’s body starts to shake and he can’t help but to hit him himself against the head, big tears are falling down and his mind goes blank.
“Jiminie.”, Bo Hyun says calmly, “Everything is fine. I messaged them. We know you, I had a feeling you might have forgotten. Everybody makes a mistake sometimes, but I’m sure that when you explain why you left and met up with us, they’ll understand. I’ve said it earlier as well, but they aren’t the same men we met the first time. These guys might be upset, but it’s purely because they worry for you, because they love you. They’ll be upset because you didn’t wake them up, that they didn’t show you enough that you can confide in them.”
“They a-are going to bla-ame themselves?”, Jimin sniffs, his voice cracking.
“Probably yeah.”, Minhyuk answers honestly. He hates watching the maknae cry, but Jimin needs to work through these emotions and he needs to understand that his boyfriends are different people now. Yes, he might have moments that trigger him for the rest of his life, but the fewer, the better and Jimin is strong enough to deal with this. The younger is the strongest person he knows.
“But tha-at’s not ri-ight!”, Jimin tries to stop crying, but his tears are stubbornly making their way down his cheeks.
“Maybe not, but it is a step in the right direction. Before everything went down, they would have either not cared or they would have blamed you. At least now they realise they still have to work on communication and your relationship in general. You’ll always have to work on your relationship, the minute you stop putting in effort is the moment you should give up. But they don’t want to let you go and you don’t want to go, so this situation isn’t as bad as you think it is. All you have to do is talk and be honest.”, Hyungsik caresses Jimin’s back slowly, something that seems to calm him down a bit.
“How about we pick up a new colour for your hair, go to my place, make some noodles while we wait for your boyfriends to pick you up? If you want to continue talking, you can, you know you can. If you want to watch a film. All good. If you just want to sit in silence, sure. Everything goes. What do you reckon?”, Seo – Joon suggests.
Jimin nods, stands up and walks up to the hair dye. He knows his hair stylist is going to murder him for using box dye once again, but he’s not planning on having this colour for too long. Next time, he’ll let her dye his hair professionally, but he’s just not ready to sit down for eight hours. All he wants is a quick change in his life, something he can be in control of, something that if it goes wrong… It is easily fixable without hours of therapy.
Sitting on the sofa, his hair wrapped in tin foil, with a bowl of spicy ramen in his hand, Jimin is watching a documentary on whether Rose and Jack could have both survived the sinking boat disaster if only Rose had shared the door she was sitting on or if Jack was really doomed from the start. He’s not paying a lot of attention, though the tidbits he has heard were quite interesting. Jimin has always loved science, but seeing as he left school to become an idol, he hasn’t had a lot of opportunity to learn more about it. If only he wasn’t so scared about his boyfriends’ reaction to him leaving the house in the middle of the night, he might have looked into some online science courses.
A knock on the door makes him jump a little, nearly dropping his ramen... Nearly. Because if there is something that Jimin will not do, it is let his food go to waste. Not after his boyfriends put in so much effort to have him eat normally again, not after they taught him that he can enjoy his food without feeling guilty. That it’s not just a chore, but something to actually enjoy. This is him trying to show them that he isn’t falling back into old habits.
Minho opens the door to six nervous looking guys, all still clad in pajamas, clearly not watching what shoes they were putting on, because it seems that Jin and Namjoon are sharing two pairs. One set of sneakers and one set of boots. Jungkook is still in his slippers, Yoongi is wearing such bright shoes they expect he just accepted whatever Hoseok handed him. Hoseok himself is wearing shoes that are a few sizes too big on him and Taehyung is walking barefoot. Somehow, that one surprises them the least. That man never wears his shoes properly and if he can kick them off, he will, so this… This is pretty normal for Tae. Or at least from the few times they saw him once they made up with the idols. Their hair is uncombed, their eyes look frantic, but the bag underneath their eyes show just how tired these men are. But they are here, clearly worried for their youngest boyfriend, and it moves Jimin’s military hyungs so much.
“He’s in the living room. Be careful of the hair though.”
With a chorus of soft thank you’s, they dash into the living room where Jimin is sitting on a chair, so as to not stain the couch, with aluminium foil in his hair and is currently mid-bite. His lips are stained red from the spicy noodles and his nose is running.
Grabbing a tissue out of the packet he has in his trouser pocket, Jin then carefully sets himself in front of the younger, lovingly wiping his mouth and nose. He makes sure to have a smile on his lips at all times, so that his youngest boyfriend is aware of the fact that he isn’t mad. Having Jimin shut them out now would be very counterproductive. Jin, and the five others, want to keep moving forward in their relationship with Jimin. Even if the steps are small.
“Such a messy eater. Still cute though. Also, I’m very proud at you for eating. Good job.”, Jin coos, stroking Jimin’s cheek, “I’m curious to see how your hair turns out. What colour did you go for?”
“Silver.”, Jimin whispers.
“Oh, good choice. What are you watching?”
“A documentary about Titanic’s Rose and Jack, they are trying to figure out if they could have both survived.”
The others are watching the interaction between their eldest and youngest boyfriend, afraid to move and therefore unsettle Jimin.
“Jiminie? Can hyung ask you a question?”
The younger averts his eyes. He know the question that is waiting to be asked and it makes him nervous. This is the moment where things can either go really good or very bad and right now, Jimin fears it's the latter. It’s what he’s used to, though not in the past few months, but can people really change?
He simply nods, knowing he can’t hide from this conversation, but scared to answer out loud. What if the loudness of his voice bursts everyone’s kindness bubble?
“Before I ask the question, I want you to know I’m not angry, none of us are. I’m just curious. Okay? There is no good or bad answer. All there is, is us trying to understand what happened and learning from all of this so we can continue to do better and be our best version for you.”
“You are not mad?”, Jimin asks, voice small.
“Not even close. Worried? Yes. Upset? No. Well, maybe a little. But not with you. We are upset with ourselves. You running here means that you didn’t think you could trust us with whatever it is you are struggling with. That’s on us, not you. Just like how you know we will make mistakes, because unfortunately old habits die hard, we know that you can’t just fully trust us within a few months simply because we are doing our best to change. So, can you please tell hyung why you ran, so we can do our very best to make this right?”
“It’s going to sound... stupid.”, Jimin hesitates… Convinced his hyungs will be annoyed with him once he comes clean.
“Now, now. What did I tell you? There is no right or wrong answer. Whatever it is you felt, those feelings were and are still valid. And we have two options here. Either, all of us get angry with you and put the blame on you, like we did before. Which solves nothing and honestly… We aren’t those people anymore. Or you tell us, we listen, we see if we can change something about the situation and then we go home, back to bed, cuddling you close. Showing you that we love you. The last option, that’s the one we prefer.”
“Min. Jin hyung is right. None of us are upset with you or angry. We are just worried because whatever freaked you out, had you running out on the street in the middle of the night. Luckily, you have good friends who drop everything for you, which we are so very thankful for, but what if someone else had seen you? Someone with bad intentions? You must have been stressed out a lot to put yourself in a situation like that. So can you please tell us?”
The young idol sighs, closes his eyes and clutches his bowl tighter, “I was too happy. I am too happy.”
“Is that a bad thing?”, Hoseok asks kindly. There is no ounce of judgement in his voice, just curiosity, a desire to understand his youngest boyfriend better.
“I didn’t think it was, until I woke up earlier today in a complete frenzy. Something must have triggered my fear of being left behind I guess, but I have no clue what. The last few months have been amazing and you have shown me so many times that I’m safe with you guys, that you have changed and you have told me over and over again that you will make mistakes, but that we will talk about it and that you’ll do better. You have been getting to know me and not once have you complained about my not so great sides or the fact that I’m clearly a mess. So, why all of this is happening, I don’t know.”, Jimin, puts his now empty bowl on the floor, then wipes his hands over his face and takes a deep breath, “I have a knack for ruining everything so it seems, I’m sorry for all of this.”
“We’ve said this before, but you have nothing to apologise for. Especially not when it comes to how you feel. That’s on us, always has and always will be.”, Yoongi tells him, sitting himself next to Jimin, on the floor, and opens his arms as an invitation for the younger to sit himself on the rapper’s lap, “I am so happy to hear that you notice our efforts and that you have been trusting our words for the past few months.”, Yoongi continues, while helping Jimin with crouching down so he doesn’t fall down on top of the older, but is able to keep his balance while finding the perfect way to sit down comfortably.
Putting his head on his hyung’s shoulder, Jimin just nestles himself closer. He needs the warmth, the reassurance, the love and he loves how easily Yoongi is willing to give that to him, without even using his words. He just shows it to him, while still giving him the option to say no. That same Yoongi who hit him, that same Yoongi who would explode on him so easily, that same Yoongi he was afraid to be alone in room with for the longest time. While it confuses Jimin even more, because why would he be afraid of this man, he decides to just enjoy the moment and allow the rapper to rock him back and forth, lulling him into a slumber.
He can tell when he’s picked up to get his hair washed out and he knows it’s not his military hyungs actually washing his hair because none of them would be this careful, it’s as if they are washing every strand separately, barely touching his hair as if they are afraid they’ll make a wrong movement and trigger him again.
Then his hair is dried, just as gently, while he’s being held up by three of the men and the fact that it’s Jin, Jungkook and Namjoon making sure he’s not falling down, while Yoongi is drying his hair with Hoseok and Taehyung softly murmuring sweet nothings to keep him calm. One of the compliments he thinks they give him, or maybe it’s just wishful thinking, is that his hair looks very beautiful on him. It fills him with the same warmth he always feels when he’s with them. That ice cold feeling that took over his heart when he woke up and made him run out of the house earlier that day, is completely gone. He thinks he sighs in relief, but he’s not sure. Feeling safe again does wonders to his brain, the golden hue around his dreams, sucks him deeper in the dream and he can’t fight the fogginess in his brain any longer. Before he allows himself to fully relax, he thinks he hears his boyfriends thank his JeonggaSquad hyungs and confirm the time for a carnival, but he’s not sure.
When he opens his eyes, he’s being carried inside the house, his coat draped over him and his shoes somewhat on, while he feels several hands on him. One is holding his own hand, two are supporting his head and another few hands are shielding his legs from bashing against the wall.
Carefully placing him on the sofa, Jimin opens his eyes a little and the first thing he sees makes his heart drop. Did none of the others see it? And if they did, why did they not get angry? Why did they not punish him? His tired brain is going back into panic mode which scares Jimin just as much as it did the first time, because is this how his life is going to be from now on? Is he always going to freak out whenever something goes wrong, because he can’t seem to believe that he is allowed to be happy? That something good doesn’t mean something bad is about to happen?
“Hyung.”, Jimin sits up, a little too fast, watching the room spin in front of his eyes, “I’m sorry.”
His boyfriends look at him confused.
“Minnie, we told you not to apologise. We understand. Well, no… We don’t understand, but we are trying to. It’s not because we don’t have the same fears as you, that yours aren’t valid.”, Jin pats his now silver hair lovingly.
“No, not that.”, He says, while casting his eyes down, then pointing at Yoongi’s sweater.
The men’s eyes follow in the direction of Jimin’s finger and they all just smile. Seriously, their maknae is just too cute. Who gives a damn about a sweater they can easily re-buy when an hour earlier, that exact same sweater was a source of comfort for him and helped him calm down.
“Min-ah, don’t worry about it. Seriously, I don’t care. It’s a sweater. Not even my favourite one and even if it was, the hair dye would make it even more special, because I would always be reminded of how you trusted me enough to hold you in my arms even though you were freaking out only moments earlier. This sweater is going to be a reminder for the rest of my life that if I keep working hard on myself, I get to be your safe space forever and there is nothing I want more.”, Yoongi sits down on the sofa next to Jimin, placing the younger’s head on his lap, “This sweater is a token of the second chance you have decided to give me. Nothing about this is ruined, it’s even better than before. Besides, have we told you already that your silver hair is absolutely divine?”
“I already said it! Being his soulmate, I just knew he needed to hear it.”, Tae brags, then softly strokes Jimin’s cheek.
“He was asleep, you muppet. I’m pretty sure he didn’t hear it!”, Jungkook exclaims.
“Okay, before we start fighting, how about we change Jimin’s pajamas, because they are covered in hair dye and ramen soup, and make sure he sleeps a few more hours.”, Namjoon smiles at his younger boyfriends, laughing at the thought of how none of them used to be that jealous, maybe a little bit but never that much, but now… When it comes to Jimin… Yeah, it’s safe to say their maknae has them wrapped around his tiny fingers.
“Maybe we can ask Sejin hyung or Mister Bang if we can have another day off tomorrow. Knowing how draining panic attacks can be, Jiminie might need all the sleep he can get before his birthday.”, Hoseok suggests.
“Good plan. I’ll call them. As the band’s leader…”
“Wait, wait. You aren’t planning anything too big right?”
“Of course not Min. But you know are families are coming over and so are your military hyungs. And if we can, we want to do a birthday live for you and maybe a small concert. But we are still talking to organisers, because it is all last minute. Not because we had no idea how to celebrate your birthday, but with how busy we have been preparing for our next album, we didn’t have as much time as we thought we had to plan something.", Namjoon replies, then looks at his boyfriends conspiratorially.
“Hyung, that’s okay. Just... Don't put too much effort in me. It is just a day like any other, though I am glad your families will be here and that you want to celebrate the day with me, you know… Because you actually want to, not because you feel like you have to because otherwise the world might label you as bad hyungs and band mates.”
“Yeah, we were jerks last year. None of that this year. Now, it’s all about you and we are ready to celebrate you and only you. Also, we are putting all the effort in you. You aren't asking anything of us, we just want to do it ourselves, because you deserve everything that is good in this world. Now are you ready for bed?”
Yoongi opens his arms, for the second time that night, patiently waiting for the younger to crawl back in his lap. Picking him up then, he asks again if Jimin is ready to go to bed, seeing as he didn't reply the first time. The younger replies by putting his head on the rapper’s shoulder, placing his nose in the crook of the elder’s neck. He nods, then hums and that’s enough for Yoongi to understand that the idea of bed made Jimin feel even more exhausted.
“Yoongi hyung?”, Jimin whispers.
“Yes?”
“Will you sleep next to me tonight. I know it’s not your night and I’m honestly happy with all of you sleeping next to me, but… my heart is asking for you.”
The second eldest boyfriend doesn’t even have to ask for permission from his boyfriends. The other men did catch up on their whispered conversation and while all of them want to sleep next to Jimin, tonight isn’t about them. It’s about their baby, who needs to feel extra loved tonight and if they can make him feel that way by allowing Yoongi to sleep next to him, so be it.
Notes:
I made a playlist with every song mentioned in this story.
I have ordered the song by chapter. It's always first the title of that chapter, which is a BTS song. Then, if other songs are mentioned, they are underneath that title (you know, the BTS song). That way, if you are looking for a specific song, you only need to know the title of the chapter it's in. For those of you who want to have a listen:
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4MrxoOb7mH6r4UxZHyMtc8?si=f0288bfcabf1437c