Work Text:
It’s loud today. Which is to be expected, honestly, but that doesn’t make it any easier. The first day of a new semester, people reuniting and sharing stories, catching up.
It’s one thing to block out all of the voices, but when you can read people’s thoughts, it’s a whole different story.
Benji Campbell has been afflicted with this ability since birth. And yes, he considers it an affliction, not a gift. Though over the years he’s learned to apply filters, to block out thoughts when he really concentrates, there are days like today where they come at him from all sides, unavoidable.
And loud. So damn loud. It’s not like he can even discern most of what he’s hearing; it’s just white noise, a salad of words and voices and images. Every so often he’ll catch a phrase: Giselle is dating Tommy now, Abel’s dog ran away and they still haven’t found it, Mariella got her bellybutton pierced and her parents haven’t spoken to her since.
He chuckles and adjusts his grip on his composition notebook. It’s not much of a notebook, at this point. He’s had it since the beginning of the summer and most of the pages are missing, drawn on and ripped out—whether to keep or to toss directly into the garbage.
“Benjamin,” a familiar voice sings from behind him.
He turns to find Lucy leaning against her locker. He’d walked right past her. Benji typically tries his hardest not to read Lucy’s thoughts out of respect for his best friend; not that it matters, Lucy tends to say whatever’s on her mind anyway.
“You walked right past me,” she says. Idiot, she thinks, though affectionately.
Benji shakes his head. “Sorry. I already have, uh…a lot on my mind.” That’s one way to put it.
She pushes away from the wall and throws an arm around Benji’s shoulder. “Did you have a good break? Mine kinda sucked. We were supposed to hang out, remember?”
“I remember,” Benji says, guilty. “Derek scheduled a bunch of extra rehearsals, and I was working on that series of landscapes—“
“Benji, relax,” she says, patting his chest with her free hand. “I was just messing with you, it’s no big deal.” But of course he can tell that it is a big deal, that she’d really been looking forward to spending time with him.
“Look, are you doing anything after school today? I have off from work today, we could grab something to eat and catch up before the Winter Carnival.”
Lucy grins. “Sure, sounds cool. You’re not bringing Derek, though, are you?” she asks, wrinkling her nose. Benji doesn’t even have to look inside her head to know how she feels about his boyfriend. She’s always been pretty transparent about disliking Derek.
“No, he’s busy anyway.”
So I’m the second choice, Lucy thinks. As always.
“But even if he weren’t, I want to hang out with you,” Benji says. “I promise. I’m sorry I’ve been sort of flaky, it’s just…”
“No, I get it. He’s your boyfriend.”
“But you’re my best friend.”
“Yeah, and don’t forget it,” she says, removing her arm. “Gotta get to homeroom. See you at lunch?” He’s totally gonna forget about hanging out later. Should I even bother going to the stupid carnival?
Benji nods. “Definitely. See you then,”
Lucy gives him a forced smile, then hikes her backpack up on her shoulders and heads off in the direction they came from.
Shit. He’s gonna have to find a way to make it up to her. Benji checks his phone; sure enough, only a couple minutes until homeroom. The white noise is fading as people peel off, all of their thoughts trapped behind the confines of classroom walls.
His mouth is dry. Guess that’s what he gets for drinking an iced coffee for breakfast and forgetting to pair it with water. The ice cubes should count, right? Luckily, there’s a water fountain on the way to his homeroom.
Already stressed about everything—classes, the band, Derek, Lucy—he tries to shake out the last of the stray voices and pushes his hair back. If he’s gonna be stressed, he has to look good doing it. He rounds the corner where he knows the fountain is and bends down, the water cool on his lips.
He’s so pretty. Whoah. Benji stops himself from laughing. Someone’s crushing hard. One benefit of this condition is that Benji is at the forefront of all the gossip. He would make a killing if he sold out and started working for Creek Secrets, but that just feels unfair.
Pulling away from the water fountain, he pushes his hair out of his face again. He wishes it didn’t flop around like this, but if he used any more product he’d be walking around with a shell on his scalp.
Please don’t do that. But also keep going.
He’s not sure he wants to know who’s thinking something like that at eight in the morning, but as he walks down the hallway, the voice seem to get stronger. Why do you have to make this so hard for me?
“Oh, hey, Benji!”
The voice—this one out loud, thank god—snaps him back to the real world. It’s Felix; they haven’t spoken much, but they’ve gone to school together since they were five. Plus, Felix is sort of a regular at Brasstown. Not that Benji thinks it wise for Felix of all people to be consuming caffeine.
And with him is…wow. It’s a new kid. And he’s cute. Benji looks him up and down, trying not to make it too obvious. Warm brown skin, wavy black hair, and his lips—oh, okay, shoes, he has cool shoes, compliment him on the shoes, Benji, the shoes.
“Nice shoes,” he says. “Vintage Nike Cortezes?”
“Yeah,” the new kid says, sounding a little surprised. I can’t believe he actually know that. “Yeah, my mom got them at a garage sale just because they were my size, she didn’t even know how cool they were.” Wait. Was that a dumb thing to say? “Not saying that my shoes are cool!”
Benji swallows down a giggle. “No, they are! It sounds like those shoes were your destiny. If you believe in that kind of thing.”
Oh no. This guy is so cute. What do I say? Uhhhhhh…
Benji almost trips over himself, even though he’s standing still. Those stray thoughts from before—it was him? Thinking about Benji?
“Yeah! Yeah, I do…um, believe in cool kicks.” I’m an idiot. Please just walk away and forget this happened. Or kill me.
The bells rings and Benji’s heart is racing; he plays it cool, utilizing all the years of practice to make it seem like he’s not losing his mind. “Well, it was really nice meeting you, um…”
My name. It’s. Wait. What is it again? OH YEAH. “Victor,” he says, stepping forward and shaking Benji’s hand. So soft, how?
“Benji,” he replies. He gives Felix one last look, smiles again at Victor, and takes his leave. The last thing he needs is to get a demerit for missing role call on day one, and his name is tragically close to the beginning of the alphabet.
He fights the strong urge to look back over his shoulder as he goes. The new kid—Victor—is adorable. And gay? Bi, maybe? Either way, he was thinking some pretty intense and pretty queer thoughts. About Benji. He’s always been pretty confident in the way he looks, but it still catches him off guard. Maybe it’s because Derek doesn’t usually think things like that anymore, let alone say them out loud.
Looking at his phone as he walks into his classroom, there’s a text from Lucy. It’s just the knife emoji. He rolls his eyes but smiles as he pockets his phone, finds an empty desk toward the back, and prepares himself for a day full of storms in his brain.
“I’m fine,” Victor says, huffing as he walks away.
Benji watches as he goes. He’s obviously not fine. And obviously not ready to be out, either. Benji sets his jaw, angry at himself for being disappointed.
Andrew’s already gone, so he turns to the guy who’d just jeered at Victor. “Hey, Chris?”
“Yeah, what’s up?”
“Go fuck yourself.”
Chris opens his mouth to say something. Why am I scared of this kid?
Benji bites back a smile, then looks through the crowd until he finds Lucy. As expected, she seems thrilled that there’s drama on the first day, especially since she has nothing to do with it. He sighs and leaves the circle that’s formed around him, the voices loud, so loud.
He thinks of Victor’s face, the emotion Benji felt when their hands touched, and he blocks out the rest.
Victor passes right by. I wish I could be brave like you, he thinks. But I’m not.
Benji smiles at him, then watches as he asks Mia to ride the Ferris wheel with him.
Lucy gives Benji a concerned look. “Who was that?”
“Him? Nobody important,” Benji says, wishing it were true. Wishing Victor had stopped, wishing it were him getting onto the ride, wishing he finally had a reason to break things off with Derek. But he doesn’t know who he is if he doesn’t have somebody to love, so he just shrugs. “Wanna get some popcorn?”
The next day passes without any notable events. Just the usual headache of swimming through the minds of a thousand teenagers and trying not to drown. Benji’s used to it.
At least things are quieter at Brasstown. And the music helps, the somber indie tunes that Benji hums as he works. It’s like the notes somehow deflect all of other noise. It’s probably why he likes music so much.
“Excuse me?”
Benji turns around, his heart stuttering when he sees Victor approaching the counter. “Oh, hey man, what’s up?” No response. Not even a thought “It’s…Benji? From school?”
I don’t think I can do this. Not with him. Nobody should be allowed to be that hot wearing an apron. “Oh, I—I just wanted to interview for the barista job. But it’s cool—“
“Lucky for you, I’m the assistant manager,” Benji says, snatching the application out of Victor’s hands. Now that he’s seeing him up close again, he’s really struck by how handsome Victor is. “Come on back, let’s talk.” He lets Victor back behind the counter and pretends to look at his application, as if he’s not going to give him the job. Ha. “So, Victor, you have any experience making coffee?”
Victor chuckles nervously. Benji tries to put up a wall; he’s already heard enough of Victor’s thoughts, and he seems sweet. The last thing Benji wants is to invade his privacy, even if he’ll never find out about it. “Um, I have experience drinking coffee.”
Benji nods. “Well, it’s not rocket science. You know, once you can pull a shot of espresso, you can basically make any drink. Here, watch. First, you take the portafilter and fill it with grounds.” He shows Victor the process, though it really is so simple. “And then pack it real tight.” He turns to Victor. “See how tight that is?” Okay, so maybe he’s torturing the kid a little bit now. Can he help it? Derek never pays attention to him like this.
“Mm-hmm,” Victor says, gulping and then smiling, clearly panicked.
Benji pushes his hair back, trying to keep all of the errant strands together. “And while that brews, we steam the milk. Now, you try. Here.” He allows Victor to take the pitcher of milk. “There you go, you’re a natural!”
Victor smiles at him. Benji can’t help himself, he lets the wall down. I want to kiss you so badly right now.
The milk bubbles over and sprays all over both of them. Benji can’t even count the amount of times he did that when he was first starting.
“I’m so sorry,” Victor says.
“It’s fine,” Benji mutters, grabbing a towel and pressing it to Victor’s shirt.
“You know what, this was a bad idea. I’m sorry to waste your time,” Victor says, turning away, grabbing his stuff and making a quick exit.
Benji laughs to himself. That hadn’t gone how he’d meant it to, exactly. Still, something about Victor intrigues him, even though he is a little bit hopeless. He throws the towel over his shoulder and removes the “Help Wanted” sign from the counter. Sarah doesn’t need to know.
It takes him a couple of hours to work up the courage to call Victor and offer him the job. The whole rest of the day, actually. Part of him wonders if it really is a bad idea for the two of them to spend time together, especially now that he knows Victor can’t be around him without going into full-on gay panic.
But the kid seems sweet, and he’s nice to look at, and hey, maybe if there’s something between them…
No, he can’t let himself go there. Not yet. Not when Derek has been all over him lately about spending more time together, which is hilarious considering the amount that Derek bails on plans. Only when they’re Benji’s plans, though. It seems things only fall through when the idea isn’t Derek’s.
Fuck it. Benji finishes stacking the stools on the counters and dials Victor’s number—he’d left it on the application, of course.
“Hello?” Victor says when he picks up, sounding unsure.
“Victor, it’s Benji. Sorry it’s late, I hope I’m not waking you up—“
“I’m up! Uh, what’s goin’ on?”
Benji considers pivoting, asking Victor to just come and hang out. He has no idea what is is about this guy that’s got him acting like such an idiot. Benji, you called him for a reason. The job, dummy! “Look, I know today’s barista lesson didn’t go perfectly, but since none of the rich ass kids at school need jobs, you’re kinda my only applicant.” That’s half true. After Victor left, there were actually two people who came in the hopes of taking the position, but Benji lied and told them that the spot was already filled. Part of him needs Victor to accept, if just for the sake of sparing him from a Sarah lecture. He shudders at the thought. “So, the position is yours.”
“Um…”
Shit. “If you want it.” He wishes he could glean Victor’s thoughts through the phone, but that’s not how this works.
“Yeah, thanks.”
Oh, thank god. Okay, be chill. “Well, see you tomorrow. And every day after school, until the end of time. We’re gonna be spending a lot of time together.” Fuck. Good, very chill.
“Cool, can’t wait,” Victor says.
Benji can practically hear the smile on his face. There’s a pause, then before he can say anything else that’s massively stupid, Benji hangs up the phone. Unfortunately, what’s waiting for him on the screen is a text from Derek. He sighs and stares at it for a second, then shoves his phone in his pocket and leaves Brasstown.
Victor is surprisingly good at the job. After his first shift, Benji’s genuinely impressed, especially after the disaster from that first day. And Benji had been on his best behavior, walls up as strong as they would hold (which meant only most of Victor’s thoughts about how cute Benji is were blocked off).
They’re closing the cafe now, and after a brief dance party—Benji had made fun of Victor for listening to Call Me Maybe, but of course it’s one of his all time favorites, too—and an unfortunate reminder that Victor is still trying to make things work with Mia, Benji is conflicted.
On the one hand, he really likes Victor, so he just wants him to do whatever makes him happy. On the other hand, he’s wondering if he could be the person who makes Victor happy. And the fact that he’s so confident about his feelings is new to him, and also a little scary. But it’s undeniable. The way they can already joke around, poke fun at each other. It doesn’t help that Victor is basically the cutest person Benji has ever met (sorry, Derek).
Regardless, the two of them had worked well together, in the literal sense of the word. Benji is good at applying filters to the thoughts he receives, so he was able to stick mainly to the work-related stuff. When Victor needed help with something, when he needed Benji to pass him a towel. Though it makes him a bit guilty, he thinks this “barista sixth sense,” as Sarah calls it, is the reason he got promoted to assistant manager in the first place.
A plan is germinating as he leans against the front counter. Was it completely evil to invite Victor to the battle of the bands with Mia? Maybe. But Benji knows that Victor is forcing himself to be someone he’s not, and Benji knows exactly the way to get Victor to come out of his shell. If he can do that, maybe Benji can be brave enough to break things off with Derek and start fresh.
“We’re doing something else tomorrow,” Victor says, looking regretful. “Sorry.”
“Oh. Well, maybe next time.” Damn it. He smiles, wishing Victor could read his mind.
Because it comes down to fear. It comes down to the bone-chilling fear that maybe Victor could be the right person for him, and that he’s only been hurting himself by staying with Derek for so long. Benji’s done his fair share of hurting himself, after all.
“We are not singing that stupid song,” Derek says, scrubbing a hand over his face.
Benji looks past him, into the audience. He doesn’t even care that they won. Victor showed up. “But we practiced it, and people will love it.”
“It’s not even a good song, Benji. I don’t get why you suggested it in the first place.”
“Look,” Benji says, trying not to let his conflicting emotions get in the way. He wants to placate Derek and make sure there’s no tension between them, but… Fuck. He knows it’s wrong. He shouldn’t be playing with Victor like this, not now that he knows how Victor feels. Especially because he knows how Victor feels. He’s torturing both of them. “It’s what we practiced, so let’s just do it. It’s not even a big deal, it’s a gig at the coffee shop where I work,” Benji says, making himself smaller so Derek feels fine. “It’s not like it’s an important show or anything.” He hates that he’s learned how to weaponize that, but it doesn’t stop him.
“Whatever,” Derek says. “Let’s go.”
And so they perform Call Me Maybe, and as he sings the lyrics, as he thinks about dancing with Victor in this very room, Benji realizes he’s fucked up.
Did he do this for me? No, that would be crazy. Why would someone like him even want to be with someone like me? But…I want him, don’t I? Not Mia. Benji. Shit. Shit, shit, shit. I’m gay. I really am gay.
Benji almost forgets to keep singing, all of Victor’s thoughts writing themselves over the lyrics. This was a horrible idea.
When the song ends, he can’t take his eyes off Victor. The room is loud, the applause and the cheers and all of the thoughts, but he locks in on Victor.
Is he coming this way? Oh my god, he’s coming this way. He—
Benji is intercepted by Derek and quickly pulls his face into a smile as Derek kisses him. He kisses him like they hadn’t just argued backstage, like Derek hadn’t called his song stupid, like Benji hadn’t trivialized this event he cared about because he knew it would make Derek feel better.
He has a boyfriend.
The emotion behind it punches Benji in the stomach as he pulls away from Derek. He feels nothing when he kisses his boyfriend. But he feels everything when he looks at Victor.
Things are weird after that, for Benji at least. He knows it’s his own fault, that now he’s the one who has all of these feelings and nothing to do with them. That makes it worse. Just another thing he’s fucked up.
Work is better than ever, oddly enough. Part of it is Victor’s new state of mind, which Benji is unable to prevent himself from peering into. He seems more at peace now that he knows about Derek—fuck, Benji should’ve told him about that sooner. What a horrible way to find out.
He’s also dating Mia still, which Benji knows is a lie. And he knows how much that lie hurts, how deeply scared Victor must be for this level of commitment. Benji knows, because he’s been there too. He gets it, he just understands Victor. He knows the pain and the fear, and he wants to be the person who takes that all away.
Regardless, selfishly allowing himself into Victor’s head has also made their shifts together that much easier.
Like when Victor asks, “Hey, Benji, can you open the—“ and the fridge door is already open, and when Victor says, “And hand me the—“ and Benji is already handing him the container of milk, and when Victor says “I also need the—“ and Benji slides the steaming pitcher across the counter.
It’s wrong. Benji knows it is. But now that he’s started, and now that Victor sometimes smiles at him the way he does when he thinks they’re just on the same wavelength, he doesn’t know how he’s supposed to let that go.
Right after one of these moments, his phone starts to ring. Derek. He’s technically not supposed to answer the phone when he’s on the clock, though that doesn’t usually stop him. This time, though…
Benji lets the phone ring, and ring, until it stops.
Victor frowns. “What was that about?” Shit. Shouldn’t have asked that. None of my business.
“Nothing important,” Benji says, thinking that Victor could ask him anything, that he would spill his guts if Victor asked him to, that this would be so much easier if Victor could look into Benji’s eyes and see behind them the way Benji does.
“You know, we make a pretty good team,” Victor says, smiling and leaning against the counter. “You’re always somehow one step ahead of me.”
Benji smiles and crosses his arms. “Well, when you’ve been a grade-A barista for as long as I have…”
God, he’s so cute. Ugh. No, he has a boyfriend, remember? And you’re with Mia. Mia is great, and you like being with Mia. You can make it work. You can.
“What are you doing after you get off today?” Benji asks, trying to sound casual. Hoping he doesn’t sound like he’s just been reading Victor’s thoughts like a romance novel.
Victor blinks at him. “Uh. Nothing, I think? Why do you ask?”
Benji shrugs and pretends to wipe the counter so he doesn’t have to look at Victor. “I was just thinking we should hang out. Maybe see if we…make a good team outside of Brasstown, too?” He pauses, trying to pick up on Victor’s response. It almost makes him laugh that Victor’s thoughts have gone absolutely silent.
“Yeah,” Victor says. Benji is glad he’s turned away; his own cheeks are red, and he can tell from Victor’s tone that his are too. “That. Sounds good. Yeah.”
“Perfect,” Benji says. He clears his throat and straightens up. “Are you okay manning the counter for a second? I have a phone call I have to make.”
Before Victor can even respond, Benji is on his way to the backroom, dialing Derek’s number.
“So. Why Creekwood?” Victor asks as they stroll, side by side. The grounds are almost completely deserted, but Benji’s taken Victor down a more secluded path for some privacy.
Benji chuckles and shakes his head. The truth is, he’d completely panicked, and this was the only place he could think of. “Just thought it would be good to stay within walking distance, you know?”
The sun is starting to go down, kissing the horizon, sunset dripping into the blue. Benji is thankful they weren’t on closing shift. Much better to do this in the light, where there’s nowhere to hide.
“I broke up with Derek,” Benji says.
He WHAT? Victor shouts in his head. “You what?” Victor then shouts aloud.
Benji nods. “Things between us hadn’t been working for a long time, Victor. It was only a matter of time before it fell apart. Plus, he’s in a completely different part of his life. It never really made sense, to be honest.”
“I’m…so sorry,” Victor says. Shit. Am I gonna have to quit my job?
“I’m not. Not sorry at all.”
“Really?”
“Really. I feel great, actually,” Benji says, laughing. He swallows down his nerves. He’s been peering into Victor’s head for too long. It’s time to let Victor into his. “What you said at Brasstown earlier…about us being a good team?”
Victor smiles at Benji, clearly panicking. “Uh, yeah, I mean, we make really good, uh, coffee together.”
“Right. But…don’t you think it’s more than that?”
I want it to be, and that terrifies me. There are tears in Victor’s eyes. “What do you mean?”
“Look at it this way. Derek and I never felt like a team, not even at the beginning. He led and I followed, and that’s just sort of the way it worked. At first it made sense. I was newly out, he was my first boyfriend. I needed the guidance. But then, once I really came into my own, I thought maybe we would be on equal ground. And that never happened. Maybe it’s the age difference? Or just the fact that he’s a little full of himself?” And that’s a kind way to put it. On the phone, Derek had been outraged that Benji was the one to break up with him, saying that Benji was lucky to be with him in the first place. At that point, Benji hung up the phone and returned to the counter, returned to Victor.
“Maybe,” Victor says, voice trembling.
Benji stops and grabs Victor’s shoulder. With everything he has, he blocks out Victor’s thoughts. He wants to do this the right way, doesn’t want to cheat his way into happiness anymore. Because ultimately, that’s why things hadn’t worked with Derek. They never should’ve been together in the first place, and Benji had faked his way into the relationship. He said all of the things he knew Derek wanted him to say, he did the things he knew Derek wanted him to do.
He’s done with that. From now on, Benji is saying what he wants.
“You have feelings for me.”
Victor steps back, but not far enough that Benji has to let go of his shoulder. “I—how did you know that?”
“It doesn’t take a mind reader,” Benji says, laughing at his own joke. “I see the way you look at me, the way you just sort of relax whenever I’m around. Am I wrong?”
Victor wipes his sleeve across his eyes. “I’m so scared of how I feel,” he whispers.
“I understand that, and I’m sorry if this felt like an ambush. I wouldn’t ever tell anybody, you know. I haven’t.” Not even Lucy, who’s insisted there’s something up with Benji. Sometimes he wonders if his mind reading is contagious, because she always seems to know exactly what’s up with him. “But it sucks coming into work every day and knowing I have to see you, that we make this perfect team, but I can’t do something like reach over and grab your hand. I almost have. I almost do, every day I almost do.”
“Me too,” Victor admits, exhaling, tears spilling from his eyelids. “I’ve been trying to push it down. And then I found out that you were with Derek, which sort of made it easier, since it wasn’t even an option anymore. And Mia…oh god, Mia.”
Benji shakes his head and gives Victor a squeeze. “You weren’t trying to hurt her, right?”
“Of course not.”
“And do you trust her?”
“More than anybody.”
Removing his arm, Benji sways back and forth slightly. “Then maybe it’s time you just…tell her the truth.”
Victor looks at him, eyes wide. “I don’t know if I can.”
“You can. And I can help, if you want. Perfect team, remember?”
Through his tears, Victor laughs. “But then what happens after that? Won’t it just make things too complicated if you and I…”
Benji shrugs. “Then we wait. We give it some time.”
“You would wait for me?”
“I think I’ve been waiting for you for a long time,” Benji says, fighting the urge to reach out and stroke Victor’s cheek. “What’s a little longer?”
Victor exhales deeply, drying the last of his tears. “I’m not usually this much of a mess, I swear.”
“This stuff is hard, Victor. I’m sorry that I pushed you, but I couldn’t stand it anymore. Ignoring this thing between us.”
“No, I’m glad you did,” Victor says, nodding fervently. “It’s the push I needed to admit that…I’m gay.”
Benji takes one of Victor’s hands. “Is that the first time you’ve said that?”
“Out loud? Yeah,” Victor says with an elated giggle. “I’m gay.”
“Hey, me too,” Benji says. “Guess that sort of works out, doesn’t it?”
Victor smiles at him, tightens his grip around Benji’s hand. He looks around, and once he’s sure there isn’t anybody around, his shoulders seem to release their tension, his body relaxing. “I’ll work things out with Mia. Today, I’ll do it today.”
“Like I said, there’s no rush. I don’t want to move into something new too quickly. I have this feeling that we have all the time in the world.”
He doesn’t have to read Victor’s thoughts to see the relief in his eyes, the relief that comes from being known, from someone seeing you as you really are. And though Benji wants to push up on his toes and kiss Victor, tangle himself in Victor’s hair, he pulls away. It’s okay. A team like this can’t stay separate for long.