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It’s one of those nights. They’re in bed, in Yixing’s apartment in Seoul this time. Yixing just started shooting his new drama today and honestly, he’s exhausted.
But his head is buzzing with thoughts and memories. He hasn’t had time to just think in months.
Junmyeon is lying next to him, sleeping. He’s so close that Yixing can feel his warm breath hitting his shoulder steadily.
The moonlight shining through the window lights up the room just enough for Yixing to admire Junmyeon’s face: his sharp jawline and thick eyebrows and the way he looks so, so calm as he sleeps next to Yixing.
Yixing thinks Junmyeon should be a model.
He looks ethereal, his skin silver in the moonlight.
He’s the most beautiful man Yixing has ever met, both his physical appearance and his character. He’s hardworking and genuine and so unbelievably kind. He always cooks for them while they live together and he loves children and animals. He volunteers at animal shelters and buys coffee for his colleagues in the morning. He never misses anyone’s birthday, never forgets anyone’s name. He answers Yixing’s calls even at 2am and he always listens to him. He takes care of Yixing when Yixing forgets to take care of himself.
And Yixing is in love. He’s so, so in love.
Of course, nobody can know about that; about them. Their relationship is a secret, kept away from cameras and press. It only exists in Junmyeon’s or Yixing’s apartment or sometimes in the private backroom of a restaurant.
Yixing wishes it could be different.
He wants to be able to kiss Junmyeon when they are out shopping and he wants to post the cliché couple pictures they take together. Yixing wants to take Junmyeon with him to all the ceremonies, award shows and galas he has to attend; the invitation always telling him he could bring a plus one. He wants to tell the interviewers who his love songs are really about. He wants to shout it from the rooftops every time Junmyeon smiles at him.
“Hey! Look at him, that’s the man that I love!”
But Yixing knows he can’t. It would destroy his own reputation and career and Junmyeon wouldn’t be able to keep living a normal life. They would have to deal with so much hate. Not only because Lay Zhang, Zhang Yixing, China’s pride and joy, is dating somebody but because he is dating a man.
It’s unfair, Yixing thinks. It shouldn’t matter what gender the love his life has. It shouldn’t matter that he’s dating somebody of the same sex. All that should matter is that he’s happy, that they’re happy.
It’s unfair, but he can’t change it.
And he’s lucky he’s got Junmyeon who understands. He never demands that Yixing should come out, even though he wishes they could be open about their love.
Junmyeon has been there, Yixing knows. He had been pressured into coming out to his family. They hadn’t taken it well and it still affects Junmyeon to this day. He would never want Yixing to go through anything like that.
They talk about it, of course. About being out. They dream about what it would be like if their relationship was public and if people accepted them. Yixing would immediately do it if the repercussions wouldn’t be so severe and Junmyeon knows that too. But Junmyeon understands what’s on the line, not only for Yixing but for both of them, and he never pushes his boyfriend.
Junmyeon can read Yixing like an open book and the other way around. They know each other better than anyone else.
Yixing used to think he would never fall in love like this. Of course, he always hoped he would and he has had relationships before with men and women alike but it never felt right.
It feels right with Junmyeon.
Just a few months into their realtionship Yixing had felt like Junmyeon was The One. And it has turned out to be true.
They’ve been together for almost two years now and not once has Yixing doubted their relationship. Junmyeon makes him feel safe and understood and the other way around. They fit together perfectly like the pieces of a puzzle and Yixing can’t imagine being with anyone else. None of his relationships have ever been this serious.
Yixing wants to marry Junmyeon. He’s been thinking about it for a while now. Of course he knows they can’t legally get married in either China or South Korea but they could go abroad, to Europe maybe or to the United States. It would be a small ceremony with only close friends and family in a garden, surrounded by beautiful flowers. Gardenias, because they’re Junmyeon’s favorite.
Junmyeon would also like to have children in the future. Yixing’s first thought was a surrogate but Junmyeon would rather adopt. “Every child deserves to be loved,” he had said.
They could buy a house together somewhere a little more quiet. In the countryside, with a big garden.
They could raise their kids there and grow old together, far away from the buzz of the big city and press and paparazzi.
Yixing wants all that and so much more with Junmyeon.
He wants to hand him the world on a silver platter.
But then he can’t. He fails time and time again. He can’t give what Junmyeon deserves, he can’t be open about them and he puts his career first. He’s selfish and sometimes he wonders why Junmyeon even stays because there are so many people who could give him more, who are brave enough to be themselves, who are better than Yixing and why does he stay when-
“I can hear you think”
Yixing almost jumps when he feels Junmyeon’s arm drape over his torso.
He wants to say something but his head feels empty. He opens and closes his mouth a few times but all that comes out is “Sorry”
Junmyeon sits up slightly so he is facing Yixing. He smiles softly “It’s okay”
But Yixing doesn’t think it is.
He looks at Junmyeon. He can barely make out his face in the moonlight but Junmyeon’s smile is still the most beautiful thing Yixing has ever seen. And he thinks again about how Junmyeon deserves so much more. He is so kind and patient and he always answers his calls and always listens and he deserves the world, hell, the whole universe and Yixing can’t give it to him. He could never be enough and Yixing wonders why Junmyeon doesn’t just break up with him because all Yixing does is hide him, from the press and his fans and everyone and-
“Yixing”
Junmyeon’s voice sounds soft but worried.
“You’re crying”
It’s only then that he realizes there are hot tears running down his face, “I’m sorry”
Junmyeon’s eyebrows furrow slightly, “For what?”
Yixing closes his eyes. “For hiding you and for not being brave. You deserve so much better”
He can hear the sheets ruffling and then there’s a warm hand on his cheek.
“Yixing, look at me”
He hesitantly opens his eyes.
Junmyeon is smiling softly.
“You’re everything I want,” he says and it just makes Yixing cry harder. His boyfriend immediately pulls him into his arms and Yixing buries his head in the crook of his neck.
“God, I just feel like you- you deserve so much more than me and I don’t… I don’t get why you stay with me when I can’t even be open about how much I love you, when I have to keep you a secret. All I do is- is hide and you deserve better than that… But I don’t think I can ever be that person… I can never be what you deserve”
“Baby, I… Look at me, please”
Yixing does. His eyes are probably red and swollen. He feels bad for telling Junmyeon about this. It’s the only worry he’s never shared with Junmyeon and he must be shocked and not know what to do or say.
Except he does.
“Yixing, I love you more than anything else in the world. That’s why I stay with you. Because I love you so, so much. You’re everything I want. You’re so caring and considerate and always there for me. I love you more and more each day. And I knew what I was getting into when we started this. I knew that we would have to be a secret. But if that’s the price I’ll have to pay to be with you, I’d pay it a thousand times”
Yixing sobs. Junmyeon just pulls him in again and holds him.
Later that night, when Yixing’s tears have dried and they’re laying down again, Junmyeon asks, “Why did you never tell me about this?”
Yixing isn’t completely sure if he was supposed to hear that or if Junmyeon thought he was asleep but he answers anyways.
“I… I didn’t want to burden you because I don’t usually think about it that much but you know how I get when I’m stressed. These thoughts just kept piling up over the last few weeks and…,” He hesitates, “And I got anxious. I even thought if I told you, you’d realize that you’re wasting your time and you’d leave me”
Junmyeon sighs. “I don’t think I could ever leave you. Don’t think I’d ever want to,” Yixing can hear him smile, “And you’re not a burden. I wish I could’ve helped you sooner. If you feel like this again, please tell me instantly. You know you can always call me and I’ll always listen, okay? And please don’t think you don’t deserve that because I know you’d do the same for me. You have done the same for me. I’m so grateful for you, Yixing. I love you”
Yixing feels Junmyeon press a kiss to his temple. He smiles tiredly, “I love you too”