Chapter Text
Inside the apartment, the two remaining women stand opposite one another. Emily's eyes are still trained on the floor in an attempt to avoid the scrutinizing gaze of her ex(?)-girlfriend. She feels unbearably small and exposed, like an unwelcome guest in her own apartment. Hannah takes a couple of measured breaths before breaking the silence.
"That was a pretty impressive show. She must care a lot about you."
It's not clear to Emily whether or not that remark was meant to imply anything, but a part of her hears it that way anyway. In any case, it's true. She knows that Jesse does care about her, though to what extent, she hasn't yet tried to figure out. Before she can form a response, Hannah is speaking again.
"For what it's worth, I do believe what she was saying. I understand now that you weren't able to get in touch, and that you weren't actively avoiding me."
"You do?"
"Yeah. I'm a psychologist. I can tell when someone is lying, and she was definitely not lying. But... I can tell other things, too." Her eyes which had been coldly boring down on Emily were now sad and dejected.
Emily has no idea where she's going with this, and for the moment, that innate curiosity that makes her so good at her job takes over, and overshadows her other emotions.
"What other things?"
Jesse, exhausted after the ordeal, and needing to loosen up a bit, reaches behind her head and takes the clip out, letting her red hair fall down around her face. How long should she wait before going back to the Bureau? If they don't come out to get me in ten minutes, I'll just leave. That should be long enough. It struck her that they might even think she's already left. It wasn't clear whether or not she was supposed to stay, and she feels like an idiot for not asking. Too late now. Actually, a lot of things are still unclear. Like whether she'd helped the situation or harmed it. Like why on earth Hannah's first instinct was to assume she and Emily were a couple. Like what Hannah meant by "that's pretty heartless, even for you." Did Emily have a history of being cruel to Hannah? No. That's out of the question. So what did that mean? Analysing what has just happened is beginning to give her a headache, so she decides instead to try to recall the details of Emily's apartment. She might never see the inside of it again, after all, and it was a nice distraction to try to piece it together from memory. Every little detail would teach her something new about her Head of Research, and she wanted to know everything. Let's see... on the wall there was a painting of the night sky... she must like stars...
Hannah shakes her head as if to sort her thoughts before deciding where to start.
"Well, first, it was impossible not to notice how fiercely protective she is of you. She may have come here in the capacity of 'Director,' but I can tell that you two must be close. Closer than Director and subordinate, at least."
Again, Emily's not sure what Hannah is trying to get at. She's a scientist who works with empirical data and facts. Making inferrences based on intuition and reading into people's tone has never been her strong suit. She needs things spelled out for her, or at least needs to be able to test her hypotheses in the physical realm. Matters of the heart and mind are, frustratingly, beyond her. Unfortunately for her, those very things are Hannah's area of expertise, and right now she's using her skills to pick apart Emily Pope and Jesse Faden.
Sensing that she's confused Emily, Hannah presses on.
"That's not the most important thing, though. It only helps contextualize it for me. The thing is, Emily, since I can tell that you two are at least close friends, there's something else that struck me. It's not in what she said about what you were doing for twelve days straight. It's what she *didn't* say."
At this point, Emily is fully lost. Was Jesse supposed to have said something else? Everything she'd said was all that had happened. Emily honestly had spent the entire lockdown working her ass off. If that wasn't what Hannah had expected to hear, she couldn't help that. Facts were facts. Jesse hadn't omitted anything.
"You're not getting it, are you?" asks Hannah, recognizing the perplexed look on Emily's face. It's a question she's posed to Emily before, and one that Emily always hated hearing. She's not an idiot. In fact, she's smarter than almost anyone else she has ever met. It's just that nebulous things like psychology always elude her understanding. If anything frustrates her more than being wrong about something, it's the powerless feeling of complete incomprehension.
"No, I guess I'm not. I'm trying to, but I guess I need you to elaborate."
"That woman came here as a favor to you, right? To help you by corroborating your excuse about being stuck at work. Why?"
"To keep us from breaking up, I guess? It wasn't my idea to bring her here, honestly. It was all her. She seemed adamant about making sure you didn't leave me. I mean, it's not that weird, right? For a friend to want to spare another friend from a break-up?"
There it was. Exactly what Hannah had been waiting to hear. The Director had come here to stop them from breaking up. At that moment, everything fell into place for her.
"So... this woman who has been working with you closely for the past two weeks came here to save our relationship. And all she tells me is that you've been hard at work, doing nothing else. That's all."
"Well, yes, because that's all I was doing." Emily's patience is wearing thin. She hopes Hannah is getting to the point soon, because she's not willing to humor this guessing game for very much longer.
"Emily... if she really came here to keep us together, don't you think she would have maybe tried a little harder? Think about it. What would make me decide to stay with you? It's nice to know you weren't kidnapped or cheating on me or anything like that, but what about your actual feelings? That's one thing neither of you mentioned at all. Now, I know you were busy, but if you had even said ONE thing to her during those twelve days about how you wished you could talk to me, or how you missed me, or how you wondered how I was doing... she would have brought that up, right? I mean, that would help her achieve her goal, wouldn't it? 'Hey, Hannah, you're making a big mistake. Emily has been stuck at work, and she kept worrying about you the whole time.' That's the kind of thing I'd expect to hear."
Hannah's unexpected reasoning blindsides Emily, leaving her standing mouth agape, completely at a loss for words.
"So now I'm left with two possible conclusions. The first is this: she came here pretending to want to get us back together, while intentionally holding back the information that would actually help. You know, the information that you do actually think about me from time to time. If she was hiding that from me, she must not want us back together at all, and in that case, I'm inclined to believe that she wants you for herself."
Emily says nothing. She knows that Jesse held back no such thing, and really did do everything she could to prevent this break-up. Which means the truth is even more damning. Hannah watches her closely while she pieces it together, and every expression that plays across Emily's face as she slowly understands her own guilt is on full display to her. Her voice takes on a removed quality that Emily would almost interpret as downright cold if it weren't for the slight hint of melancholy enveloping it as she continues...
"The other conclusion, and the one I believe now to be the true one, is this: you never did mention me. You never once brought up how you had someone you needed to see or check in with. Regardless of the fact that you wouldn't have been able to contact me anyway, it's only natural for anyone who actually *cares* about someone to at least voice that concern. If you had done so, she would have definitely made sure to add that bit of info to her little speech. And it would have worked, Emily. I swear, I'd have taken you back right then and there. I was waiting to hear it. Hoping to hear it. And I didn't." Her jaw is clenched and her eyes unblinking as she waits for some kind of retort. Nothing. "So... am I wrong? If I've missed something here, tell me."
She isn't and she hasn't. Actually, she's hit the nail on the head, and it's a revelation that rocks Emily to her core. Those twelve days were absolute hell. For her and for everyone at the Bureau. She could use that as an excuse for why her mind had become so hyperfocused on her job; after all, it was literally a case of life or death. But it was no use. Hannah hadn't even crossed her mind once during the entire ordeal, and she knew deep down that there had been at least some moments of quiet where she could have fit the woman into her thoughts. And she hadn't. It was during those exact times that a certain someone else had crept into her mind instead. But that was also work-related, right? She's not so sure now, but it doesn't matter. She's the worst. All she can manage is a slow, shameful shake of her head in response to Hannah's challenge.
"I didn't think so. And, you know, I wish I could say I'm surprised, but I'm not. Being with you was fun when you weren't completely absorbed in your work. But that was the problem. You often *were.* When I first met you, I thought your enthusiasm for science was endearing. It wasn't until I realized that your work would always come first that I began to resent it. I understand that you love your job, and I don't fault you for that. But this relationship can't continue this way. Not for me. It's over. You're a brilliant scientist, Emily..." She takes a breath as if to get up the nerve to say it-- "But you're a shitty girlfriend."
It's been fifteen minutes, and even though Jesse promised herself she'd leave five minutes ago, she's still out in the hallway, arguing with herself about how waiting five *more* minutes would really be the best course of action. It's at this moment that Emily's door opens, and Hannah walks out, immediately noticing Jesse standing there awkwardly off to the side.
"Oh! Hi again!" Jesse exclaims, hoping she doesn't look too pathetic.
Seeing Jesse with her hair down is another revelation all its own for Hannah, and she can't help but notice that the already attractive woman she met inside now looks absolutely drop-dead gorgeous.
"Jesus Christ..." she mutters under her breath, quietly enough that Jesse doesn't catch it. She realizes now that she'd never have stood a chance with Emily anyway. Not while Emily works alongside someone that looks like *this* and who waits around in dilapidated hallways on the off-chance that Emily needs her.
"Of course you're still here."
"Yeah, I, uh... wasn't really sure if I was supposed to stay or go, so I hung around for a bit. I was about to leave, though. Did... did you guys work it out?" Jesse's eyes are wide, but her voice small as she asks the question, not sure which answer she'd rather hear.
The psychologist shakes her head definitively. "She's all yours now, Director. Though, to be honest, I wouldn't advise it." And with that, Hannah's heading out the front door, happy to leave Emily Pope behind forever.
"...Huh?" Jesse asks aloud to an empty corridor. Wouldn't advise what? What did she mean by that?
Before she can puzzle out what Hannah was saying, her thoughts are interrupted by a faint sound coming from within Emily's apartment. Pressing her ear up to the door, she hears muffled sniffling and what she thinks is a small sob, and her heart shatters. She's never heard Emily cry before. No matter how bad things got at the Oldest House, Emily always kept a cool head and a stiff upper lip. It's a sound that affects her severely, and she's at once torn between wanting to chase down the woman that did this and introduce a forklift to her face, and wanting to rush into the apartment and sweep Emily up in her arms and cover her in kisses until all the pain is gone. Polaris shimmers and guides her attention toward Emily, away from Hannah. Probably for the best, she muses.
"Emily...?" Jesse gently taps her knuckles on the door before tentatively entering. She sees the scientist still standing in the spot she last left her, face in her hands and shoulders hunched and wracked with sobs. Though the woman's eyes and cheeks are covered, Jesse can see tears dropping onto the floor. It hurts Jesse to see her so vulnerable. She rushes to her friend's side, wanting to throw her arms around her, but holding back, unsure of whether or not that would be appropriate. Instead, she holds her hands up around Emily in an awkward kind of limbo, moving them back and forth, as though she's trying to get the best angle for a good hug, should she be so bold as to actually go for one.
"Hey, hey, hey... it's ok. It's ok, Emily. I'm here." God, she wishes she had the guts to touch her. Whatever happened in here, it must have been ugly, but she recalls how Hannah had seemed fine when she saw her. Maybe a little vexed, but certainly not about to burst into tears. Had this been easy for her? Because it sure as hell wasn't easy for Emily. Emily must have cared for her so much more than she cared for Emily... How could she be so fucking callous? And how could she not love this perfect woman? Does she not know how lucky she was???
Her words of assurance don't seem to be having much effect, as Emily barely even seems to register her presence, so she decides to at least place a hand on her arm, hoping it will have a calming result. At the sensation of Jesse's touch, Emily loses whatever sense of strenth was keeping her standing upright, and falls forward into Jesse's arms, leaning on her for all of her support. She's not heavy, but Jesse's not at all prepared for the sudden closeness and shift in weight, so she has to exert a bit of effort to not fall over herself. The result is that she ends up on a slow, yet somewhat controlled trajectory down to the floor, all the while holding Emily tightly to her. Luckily, they're close enough to one of the walls that Jesse is able to lean back against it while they sit together on the hardwood, allowing Emily to then lean back into her fully and cry her eyes out.
As they sit, Jesse keeps her arms around Emily, figuring that they're already past the point of keeping things professional and just wanting to comfort her friend in whatever way she can. It's a while before either of them says anything, and Jesse uses the temporary lull to observe more of Emily's living room. As she absentmindedly strokes Emily's arms with her fingertips, she notices an ornate Japanese tanto displayed on top of one of the book shelves. This girl and her knives... I've *got* to know what's going on with that. As she considers Emily's fascination with blades, she notices the scientist's crying beginning to subside, and decides that it's a good time to try some more comforting words.
"Em... Listen, I don't really know what to say here. I'm just... really sorry. I'm so, so sorry that this happened, and I wish I could have done more to help. I really do. I can tell that you obviously liked her a lot, and it just... it fucking sucks when you lose someone you care about. I will tell you one thing, though. That woman did not deserve you. Please don't hate me for saying this, but I really don't think she was worth your time or your affection, and you deserve better."
"No, Jesse..." Emily's voice is weak and raw from crying, and can hardly steady her breathing enough to form words as it is, but she needs Jesse to know that she's wrong.
"Emily, I know you must have loved her. I know she meant the world to you, but I can't help what I think about her. If she could leave YOU, of all people, then there's something wrong with her brain, and you will find someone better. Someone who will love you as strongly as you love them."
"Jesse... no. That's not it." She sniffles as she turns herself to face her protector. "Jesse, I didn't. I mean, God, I should have loved her, but I didn't. I couldn't. That's the whole fucking problem. I can't love anyone. She was the one who was wronged. I'm the bad one. She put all of the effort into our relationship, and I was just kind of... there. But not even there. Not really. She knew it. She told me I could never be a good girlfriend, and she was right, Jesse. I'm broken. I'm not meant to have anyone. I can't give anyone that kind of care and attention. I'm too absorbed in my work, and even if I want to, I just can't connect with anyone that way. I'm just... lacking. I'm... deficient." Her eyes begin to well with tears and her breathing speeds up to uncontrollable levels once more as the words escape her mouth. Hannah's last words to her had hit her hard, and she was still processing them and all of the implications that came along with them. She doesn't want to be alone forever, but at this point, she can see no other future for herself, and it terrifies her. Jesse, on the other hand, isn't buying any of this nonsense. Not at all.
"...Oh, helllllll no, Emily. HELL NO. Look, I don't know *what* that woman said to you, but don't you dare believe it. Not for a second, ok? She said you can't be a good girlfriend? Fuck that." She takes Emily's head in her hands and stares her boldly in the eyes before continuing. "You are the most caring, compassionate, thoughtful person I have ever known, and you are a literal ray of sunshine in my very dark and brutal world. I can't even wrap my brain around the idea that you could be considered 'deficient' in any way. Like, honestly. Deficient how? In what way?"
"I... I'm just not good at thinking of others. I'm not considerate. I'm self-centered." Jesse's protests and compliments had soothed her ever so slightly, but they didn't change how she felt about herself. If anything, Jesse was just another innocent person fooled by Emily's outwardly good nature, and it made her hate herself even more.
"Bullshit, Emily. I've only known you for a couple weeks, but you have ALWAYS been considerate toward me. You explain complex things in a way that my dumb ass can understand them, you always check to make sure I've been eating or sleeping enough, you spent valuable time and resources gathering information about Dylan and the Ordinary AWE for my sake even though we had a monstrous fucking crisis on our hands... Like... in what world is that self-centered??? I have never met anyone as fucking GIVING as you, Emily Pope. Anyone, literally anyone would be lucky to have you as a girlfriend. Hell, I'd kill to... well... I mean, you're just amazing, ok? (Dammit, Faden...) And you deserve someone who sees you for the fucking treasure that you are."
It's a lot. It's a lot for Emily to hear these things coming from Jesse. To know that this is how someone as incredible as the Director of the FBC sees her. She's still not convinced that she's not a selfish monster, but Jesse had provided evidence, and Emily was never one to ignore evidence. Perhaps she's not a lost cause after all. It's true that she has trouble connecting with people, but somehow that's never been a problem with Jesse. Again, the thought creeps into her mind that it's only because Jesse is part of her "work" that Emily cares about her at all, but this time, as she gazes back into the redhead's eyes, she's able to firmly shut that idea down. Yes, she loves running tests on the Director and discovering new things about her abilities and Polaris and her connection to the Oldest House and the Board, but she also just loves being around her. Even during the rare moments that there's no work going on. Even if they're just eating lunch together in silence, there's a warmth Emily feels whenever Jesse is around that she finds herself craving in her absence. She usually addresses this craving by getting to work on things that will help Jesse in some way, so that the next time she sees her, she can present her findings and maybe earn a smile, or, even better, more time together. It's never been a conscious thing, her desire to be near Jesse, but it dictated her actions time and again.
All these truths occur to her in a matter of seconds while her face is still being held in Jesse's hands, and while her self-hatred begins dissipate, it's replaced by something else. A new fear that's almost just as bad. On the bright side, she's finally sure that she can indeed have strong, selfless, loving feelings toward another human being, and can admit that she's not defective. On the not-so-bright side, she's just discovered that she's got those feelings... for her boss. And right now that very boss is sitting with her on her apartment floor, hair down, holding Emily's tear-soaked face at eye level, almost close enough to... Oh no. Oh God. Even as her mind screams at her to stop, she finds her hands reaching up to grasp Jesse's forearms, feels her body inching closer to Jesse of its own accord. An agonizing battle rages within her as she presses her forehead to Jesse's, one side of her psyche pushing her to take the plunge and the other vigorously trying to get her to retreat. Frustratingly, neither side is winning.
"Jesse..." she whispers, panting. Pleading. She needs the other woman to take action now. Whether Jesse grants her the permission she so desperately craves, or whether she denies her and stops things from going that far, Emily doesn't even care at this point. Anything is better than this unbearable limbo that paralyzes her.
It's a moment that completely overwhelms Jesse. The sight of her friend advancing on her is too good to be true, and though she knows it's really happening, part of her thinks she must be dreaming or hallucinating. Where did this even come from? There's no way her pep talk was that good. There's absolutely no explanation for Emily's behavior, but though she's alarmed, Jesse's instincts urge her to say 'to hell with it' and just kiss the woman. Luckily for both of them, Jesse always follows through on her instincts.
She tilts her chin up so that her lips meet Emily's, softly but resolutely. The warm contact sends an acute electric current through the two of them, and it's more magical than either of them could have possibly imagined. This is what they've each been longing for. This was the puzzle piece that neither of them even knew was missing. They never realized it before, but it's here now, staring them in the face as they hungrily deepen the kiss, and it's like the world finally makes sense. They pull apart only once, just for a moment, to look into each other's eyes. Emily almost thinks she can see Polaris twinkling inside Jesse's, while Jesse sees a thousand promises inside Emily's. No words are spoken. They simply fall back into one another, their lips melding them into one, as the chime of Polaris shuts out the rest of New York, and envelops them together in a perfect shelter all their own.
-END
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