Archive of Our Own ^beta

Oh, I wish I had words to encourage inspire

But the truth is I'm wrecked and I'm sad and I'm tired

I'm a loser in love, an abandoner of dreams

And today I gave up for one for him and me

~

“ Are you sure, Shigaraki? You know that once it is done– “

“I know. Just do it already.”

Or I'll find someone else who can do it , was left unsaid because who else was he supposed to ask? He was their only doctor and the only person who knew about it besides Compress. The only person who could make this go away.

Petals, white ones. That was how it started.

Tomura wasn't an idiot and knew immediately what was going on. His throat had felt sore for days, causing him to think that he caught a cold. But this was worse than a cold or any other illness he could have gotten at that point. Something with only three choices and all three of them cruel and almost impossible. ( Ignoring dying, confessing or returned love) Months ago he would have thought that it was a side effect of a quirk that had hit him while sneaking out but Re-Destro had many books and Shigaraki read many of them during the time after the war against him so it was obvious that he would stumble across this.

Hanahaki Disease; an illness born from one-sided love where one coughs up flower petals.

Again, he wasn't an idiot and knew exactly who was the cause of this. The only thing he didn't know was what kind of flower it was or what the flower meant and why fate had chosen him. Maybe it was karma for all bad things he had done or caused; or because he simply didn't deserve to be happy, not one fucking thing worked out in his favour. Just once in his life he wished that something would go according to plan.

A dry chuckle escaped him, causing him to cough and spit out more petals. He really needed to find out what the flowers meant. Red roses meant love – returned love – but they were white and no roses. The white haired villain got up, followed by another coughing fit and more petals. Luckily he was able to control his quirk much better and decayed every single one immediately, not wanting someone to find out about this mess. He didn't know what to do and before he had not thought about it more and come up with a solution, Shigaraki wanted to keep it a secret (probably forever). He got dressed quickly, a usual black suit and the coat with the scratchy brownish fur. His white hair fell in his face and covered most of his scars as well as the dark circles beneath his eyes.

After getting dressed and with Father hiding his face plus a few more coughing fits he left his bedroom, walking down the long hallways to the meeting room where he was supposed to be. Breakfast could wait, he wasn't hungry or could stomach anything anyway. Without knocking he opened the door and went to the head of the table where his throne-like chair was. The League members greeted him like usual while Re-Destro himself was overjoyed to see him again, praising him like a god. Everyone (except Yotsubashi of course) stood up and bowed slightly, showing him the respect he deserved. They knew better than to disrespect him and their crippled former leader was proof enough. With a wave of his left hand he motioned them to sit back down before he sat down as well, scanning the room. Everyone was there minus the doc and.....Dabi. Of course he would be too late, not that he expected anything different. The scratching inside his throat came back, causing him to cough. Wonderful, even being angry at him made him cough.

“Are you not feeling well, Shigaraki-san? We can postpone the meeting! It is not necessary to – “

“No, we won't – nnh – postpone it. Where's patchwork? I want to start and get done with this.”

Completely ignoring Yotsubashis worry, he leaned back into the soft cushions on the chair, his arms crossed in front of his chest.

“He said he won't come, he has something else to do. Probably fucking the bird!”, giggled Toga which earned her a sharp look from Shigaraki.

Of course, the hero . The pyromaniac fell for the number two hero like some dumb middle school girl. Not that he could blame him, he was attractive and everything Shigaraki was not. Where he was crusty with chapped lips and dry, cracked skin the winged hero was beautiful, no fucked up face, wore eyeliner and had soft, smooth skin. While he was smaller, more petite and scrawny Hawks got a toned body and was tall with two beautiful wings adorning his back. Two deadly hands, scars all over his body caused by himself or others and an ugly, long mop of white hair. But Dabi could overlook these things, even his family's hands (especially Father) since he wasn't that much of a model himself with his burnt skin stapled to healthy skin and his broken jaw and burnt smell. No, the thing that was even more unlovable about Shigaraki was his whole character, his attitude – something he couldn't ignore. He had horrible mood swings, only focused on video games, had a foul mouth and death threats were a daily routine. Dabi had disliked him from the start and he had nothing to make it up to. No looks, no funny attitude and a few weeks ago he didn't even have any money or a plan. Without Re-Destro, as much as he hated to admit it, he would be nothing and the others would have left him if the fight had continued a little while longer.

Some kind of leader he was. So he wasn't surprised that not even someone as fucked up as Dabi liked him beyond the leader-follower relationship. (He probably couldn't even count him as a close friend/family member because he knew that Dabi had his own goals and would only stick with as long as he was deemed useful) Hell, even he would fall for the blond hero – if he wasn't already feeling something for the arsonist.

“Whatever, we will start without him then. We don't need him for this anyway.”

An annoyed snort escaped the ice villain at this, knowing full well that he was the one who had to fill in Dabi about the meeting later. Something he probably didn't look forward to.

“O-of course! About the current situation concerning … ”

The meeting went as expected, barely any interruptions without Dabi (only Twice muttering sometimes) and only a few times where he had to cough whenever Dabi was mentioned. Whenever he coughed out some petals he stuffed them into his glove without further notice. With Father blocking the view it was quite easy actually. He could feel the others questionable looks on him but nobody was brave enough to ask if he was okay – not even Himiko who would tease him. Once they were done Shigaraki dismissed them with a wave of his hand, staring between Father's fingers at the papers in his hand. He didn't notice that everyone except Compress had gone. With Kurogiri gone and him probably the oldest of the group he had taken over the father figure in their fucked up version of a family.

“Shigaraki, do you have a moment?”

His head snapped up and he removed Father carefully, knowing that it was useless to hide himself from the magician or trying to fool him.

“Mh. Sure.”

The masked villain sat down, closer than before with only one seat separating them.

“I was wondering if you are alright? You have coughed a lot, do you want one of us to get the doctor? Or perhaps you would be up for a tea or one of my famous hot chocolates? Surely, Yotsubashi-kun must have some expensive teas or ingredients for a hot chocolate.”

The meaning behind those words held much more concern than Compress let on but he really didn't want Ujiko to get involved – not now at least. Sooner or later he would need to go to him anyway – if he didn't want to die from vines suffocating him. The 'famous hot chocolate' had caught his interest and didn't sound bad at all, his scarlet eyes focusing on the white-black mask.

“'s nothing, just a dry throat. No need to get Ujiko for this, he has other things to work on”, replied the white haired villain. “If your hot chocolate doesn't taste as good as Kurogiris or better I'll decay you.”

It was his sense of humour but Mister understood and got up, bowing in front of him.

“You will not be disappointed! I promise you to make the best hot chocolate that will even beat Kurogiris!”

And with that the magician left, leaving him alone with his thoughts. Another cough bubbled up in his throat and he spit out the petals, collecting them plus the ones inside his glove and decay them. The dust fell on the ground and since the floor was carpet it was easy to hide. Shigaraki put on Father once more and left the meeting room as well, walking down the hallways to meet Compress in the small, cozy kitchen. He sat down and was painfully reminded that it wasn't Kurogiri who stood behind the counter. He missed the mist man, especially now. Kuro would know what to do, how to handle the situation and give him advice without pushing or forcing him to do something. His advice was the best. But he was gone, rotting away in Tartarus. Though, not for long anymore. He would be the first one to save, not even his Sensei would come before him. Tomura huffed and pushed the thoughts back, it was useless to think about this now so he took out his phone from the jacket pocket and began to look for flowers and their meanings. It wasn't hard for him to find the flower. A primrose, also known as Primula – the first. And judging from the article he was reading, the meaning of the primrose was despair. Shigaraki bit his lower lip and closed the page, stuffing his phone into his pocket before another cough followed. The petals in his mouth were disgusting, all bitter and soft on his tongue, and he used the moment when Compress turned around to spit them in his glove, decaying them immediately and letting the dust slip through his fingers. Just in time, the magician turned around again and placed the mug in front of him. Tomura took off Father and wrapped his hands around the black mug with different stars and his constellation inside.

“Thanks.”

He lifted the mug to his chapped lips and took a small sip. The warm liquid soothed his already sore throat and Compress had kept his promise – the hot chocolate was indeed good! Though, not as good as Kurogiris. Nothing would ever top this – not that he would ever tell anyone. Although....maybe once they saw each other again he would tell him. False pride didn't get him far anyway.

“It's the least I can do. And judging from me being able to breathe and talk I take it that you like it?”

The white haired nodded, taking another sip and suppressing another cough.

“It's good, yes, but it will never top Kurogiris. Still, it's good.”

The magician huffed out a chuckle, not offended in the slightest. Everyone knew and could tell how much the mist man meant to their young leader and how much he missed him. Compress took a seat next to him and removed the mask, placing it in front of him.

“I know that I am not Kurogiri, my advice might not be as good as my hot chocolate but maybe they are..good enough. Just know that whatever troubles your mind you can come and talk to me, Tomura. I will not push you, it is quite obvious for some old magician to know that something troubles your mind that you cannot share with someone. But if you ever change your mind, I will listen.”

It would be good to talk to him about it, about everything and it was not like he didn't trust him but he had not even seen his real face nor could he be sure that he would keep quiet about it. But the gesture was good and he needed to hear this. Even something like hugging him could make him feel better, yet he didn't ask or make any move to do it.

“I appreciate your concern, Sako, but this is something you cannot help me with. ….Not even Kurogiri could.”

The last four words were whispered, barely loud enough for Compress to hear. Shigaraki downed the rest of the warm liquid before he got up, Father in his left hand and leaving him alone.

It took two whole weeks for him to realize the extent of what had happened to him. He was good with suppressing unwanted memories or feelings but not forever and with the continuous coughing and throwing up petals Tomura was unable to ignore it any longer. During the week his coughing had gotten worse but it was still controllable for him – most of the time. The petals had also stayed petals, no whole flowers yet, but the amount had increased. His throat was sore constantly and his chest began to hurt from the vines growing and squeezing his lungs. Most of the time he stayed in his room, locked up and resting or playing video games to ignore the situation and urgency – if he didn't sit by the toilet for hours, puking out his stomach acid and petals. Barely even food stayed inside and he refused to eat whenever Compress or someone else brought him something light. He had gotten skinnier in just a week because of the puking and not eating which made him disgustingly frailer than before.

Night time was the worst. Shigaraki felt so young, so useless. As if All For One had just found him and without someone Kurogiri to talk to. Silent screams escaped his throat, leaving it even more abused and his voice even more scratchy than usual to the point where he only spoke when absolutely necessary. His neck was covered in fresh scars, dried blood beneath his fingernails as he tore it open even more. He looked like a mess, his hair in knots and his eyes puffy from the whole crying. Luckily nobody had asked him about it, how could they? Father covered his face and nobody had seen him without. Or perhaps they thought that it was just him coping with the past and everything that had happened over the last months. The walls were thick but not thick enough to cover his screams and cries. And the others were on the same floor so they must have heard him at some point. Since he was unable to sleep he was sitting in front of a big plasma TV in a comfortable and very fluffy armchair most of the night, playing video games whenever he was able to focus a little but it didn't take long and the scratching continued, followed by coughing up more petals. His bed was covered in white primrose petals in the morning and he began to decay them over and over and over again – to no avail. They kept coming back, leaving him more tired and exhausted.

It was something else to prepare to die during a battle, there was always the chance of surviving and knowing that in three to six months he will die. There was no way out except the surgery but a part of him, the bigger part, didn't want this. Because he did feel something for the stupid arsonist, more than he wanted to admit to himself. But he loved him, otherwise the disease wouldn't have been in the first place. And Dabi, being the idiot he was, chose to love someone else.

It took two more days before Shigaraki saw the patchwork again. He was on his bed like usual, surrounded by pillows and beneath three blankets, wearing a black hoodie, socks with different milk cartons on them and simple black shorts. Father was seated on the small table next to his big bed, untouched since he had been in there. Without knocking the raven haired barged into the room, carrying a bottle of water and a paper bag.

“Yo boss, 's been a while and I thought – damn, you look worse. Anyone told ya yet? Guess not. What happened, didn't Baldy want to buy the new Playstation you wanted?”

Tomuras scarlet eyes shot open, piercing the turquoise ones. A growl escaped him which turned into coughing, leaving him without retort. He covered his head with one of the blankets, retching out all the flowers that clogged up his throat while his body was curled beneath the mountain of blankets. He wiped away the spit and petals, making sure that every single one was hidden before poking his head back out. Dabi was still standing there, his eyebrows lifted. Tomura stayed silent.

“Urgh, gross dude. Guess I don't need to ask how ya doing, huh? Here, got'cha somethin'. Well, Compress made me bring you some food and water so here it is. Don't wanna catch whatever disease you have so I'll leave. When you need more, don't ask me to bring you some. Ask Baldy or Mister, 'm sure he'll be able to compress the food and roll the marble through the door.”

Ha....hahah...ouch. Normally he would have screamed at him, insulted him back with both of his hands reaching out for the other to strangle or decay him but instead he stayed beneath the blankets, turning around with his back facing the fire user. The words hurt, more than he thought they would. He made it unmistakably clear how much he disliked – hated – him. Tears were burning in his eyes, threatening to roll down his cheeks. But he refused to cry again, instead pulling the blanket over his head once more to signalise him to leave him the fuck alone.

“You're no fun, honestly. Whatever, I'll go, birdie got some information for me. And stay away from me as long as you're puking out your guts.”

With that the arsonist stomped off, leaving him alone again. Just in time, because as soon as he was gone Shigaraki jumped out of the bed, running into the bathroom next to his bedroom to puke out the content of his stomach, the tears running down his face now. Just why couldn't he be nice for once? He got it, he hated him! So there was no need to rub it into his face over and over and over and over again!! Tomura kept sputtering and hacking, fingernails digging deep into the scars, opening them once more. He felt like suffocating, the petals refusing to come out. Fear overtook his body, causing him to hyperventilate. Was this it? Was this how he died, without saying goodbye to the others? Without seeing Kurogiri or Sensei one last time, without making Sensei proud?

A disgusting rattle erupted from his clogged up throat and with a final choke he puked out a whole flower . Wasn't this too fast? Flowers were supposed to come out after three months, not after three weeks ! Shigaraki tried desperately to catch his breath, shaking and completely paralyzed with his scarlet eyes staring at the flower in the toilet bowl.

“Shigaraki, are you okay? Are you in there?”

Tomura didn't even pay attention to the voice on the other side of the door, his only thoughts were how long he actually had before the vines were killing him. A month? Maybe only a week? He couldn't tell.

“Shigaraki? I'm coming in now. It's only me, the others are on a mission or away.”

The door creaked open and in stepped the magician, closing the door behind him once he was inside.

“Are you alright? Dabi mentioned that you probably didn't feel well so I went to see how you are.”

At the mention of the arsonist he snapped back to reality, flushing the toilet immediately so all evidence was gone. Like a robot he went over to the sink, refusing to look into the mirror and splashing some water in his face. He felt disgusted that not even washing his hands was enough. Maybe after a shower he would feel better. The wounds on his neck were probably infected, the taste in his mouth was sour and his hair greasy. A shower was much needed but first he needed to take care of Mister. He opened the door and stepped outside, his eyes widening as he saw that the magician held the blankets in his hands, revealing the flower petals beneath.

“I – I can – “

“How long...? And who?”

But the villain leader kept quiet, his gaze lowering on the ground instead with a slight smile. Lying was useless and suddenly he felt like a child once more, being scolded like one.

“.....Two weeks. Nobody.”

Compress sighed and took off his mask, sitting down on a clean spot.

“..Alright fine, you don't have to tell me. But please talk to me. Do you plan on confessing or do you want me to contact Ujiko for the surgery?”

But he only shook his head, staring at his hands. He had been able to avoid the topic long enough but everything had to come to an end. Shigaraki could only hope that the other wouldn't tell the others – especially not Dabi or Yotsubashi.

“I won't tell them.”

His voice was like sandpaper when he spoke and it hurt like he had swallowed little pieces of glass. Tomura sat down in his favourite armchair, avoiding to look anywhere else than the ground.

“So, the surgery it is then.”

Again, he shook his head which left Sako confused.

“But...then, what do you wish to do? Surely you do not plan on...dying, right?”

Tomura stared at the ground, his eyes focused on a small darker spot in the carpet while his fingers had found his neck once more, tearing apart the skin for what felt like a 100th time. Sako got up and knelt in front of his leader, gently prying his hands away from his neck, mindful of the fingers.

“I....I don't know. I don't know what to do.”

He sounded so utterly defeated that the magician couldn't resist and hug him. The hug was returned immediately, his fingers digging into the burgundy coloured fabric of the shirt as he pressed his face into the dark grey vest, coughing out more petals. Compress understood and stroked through the matted white locks, rubbing his back soothingly while trying to detangle the white mess so he could focus on something else instead.

“Shh shh. We will figure it out, we will find a way. You don't need to tell me who the person is but do you not think that your feelings will be returned? Perhaps if you talk to – “

“No. They....made it very clear that they're not interested. And I don't blame them, why should anyone be interested in someone like me anyway.”

“Nah, do not say this! You are a lovely young man with quite a unique character. And clearly, this person does not know what they are missing out on. I have known you for a while now and I am impressed with how much you have grown up in such a short time. Within a few months you turned from a bratty child – no offense – to a king with a whole army behind you. You defeated Gigantomachia on your own and I am grateful to have met you, to be a part of your group. That you let an old and broken magician be a part of your vision of a new world.”

His words soothed him, if only a little but they helped and that was what counted. Tomura puked out some more petals and whole flowers, decaying them immediately as if this would help to ignore the actual problem. Sako had never been the most trustworthy with never revealing his face or telling him about his true intentions but in this moment he knew that he could completely trust and rely on him. And Shigaraki did, enjoying the comfort and craving for more – which Compress happily provided. He had taken down his mask and now tugged on the balaclava before removing it as well, slipping it over his head. The leader let go of him just enough to see his face and was stunned. He had expected some kind of scars, a hideous face or anything for that matter – even an animal head! – but...he was normal – handsome even. Tomura lifted his non-broken hand, stroking carefully through the brown locks and Sako let him, a smile covering his lips.

“Why have you...kept your face hidden? You have nothing to hide.”

The brown haired just smiled and leaned into the soft touch of the deadly hand.

“Because a true magician never reveals his secrets. And now we both have a secret only the other knows. In case you doubt my word and believe that I might tell someone.”

Shigaraki had not expected this, the meaning behind such a simple gesture was more than anyone else had ever done for him. He took down his hand again, resting it in his lap before he tried to start to speak, spitting out another flower head with more petals.

“I...don't know what to do. I'm afraid to lose all feelings and become a lifeless puppet but I also don't...want to die. And a tiny part wishes that they would...return this feeling. I don't know what the right choice is, I can't fuck this up. I....I'm....scared.”, admitted the white haired leader, spitting out another whole flower.

He could feel Sakos eyes on him, his hands stroking over his upper arms in a gentle way.

“I wish I could lift this burden from your shoulders, to point out another way at least but there is only much a magician can do and my magic is not a miracle maker – sadly. I can only assist you while you figure out what you'd like to do. Though, I truly hope that you do not choose death and think about at least getting the surgery. I will stay by your side if you wish.”

Tomura exhaled, leaning against the others stronger body once more. Sure, he was not Kurogiri but his advice was just as good and he was glad that he would keep quiet about it and help him without pressuring him for an option. Even the offer to stay with him during the whole ordeal helped him, though he doubted that he would actually ask him. If only talking to Dabi about this topic was easy. Another cough ripped through his body, leaving him gasping for air as a flower was stuck in his throat. He jumped up from the bed and dashed into the bathroom where he puked out the remaining content of his stomach – which wasn't much. A defeated and exhausted cry echoed through the large bathroom, making him want to run away from all the problems. Shigaraki took a towel and wetted it, wiping away the spit and petals from his mouth. He looked horrible and maybe a shower would help while the brown haired magician prepared a hot milk with honey for him.

“Pre–....Could you prepare hot milk with honey for me? I'll take a shower and...puke out flowers.”

A dry chuckle followed and he began to unbutton his shirt.

“You will be surprised that it is going to be better than Kurogiris hot chocolate.”

The corners of his mouth quirked up into a short-lived smile before he turned around, signaling the other to go and make his drink while he walked into the bathroom to finally take a much needed shower. His clothes landed on the pile of clothes he still needed to wash (more like ordering someone to wash them for him) and his prosthesis was put next to the sink for later. Shigaraki was still not used to seeing his hand like this and the stumps felt weird beneath his fingertips. He turned on the water and stepped inside, closing the huge glass doors. The water felt good, washing away the filth and worries, keeping his mind at ease. Even the flowers were kept at bay, not a single one was puked out while he washed his body thoroughly.

Once clean Tomura stepped out and wrapped a big, fluffy white towel around his hips, shivering when the cold wind hit his wet body. He took a look into the big mirror attached to the even larger, white sink. He looked much better, his hair white instead of grey and all the grime, spit and blood was washed away. The young leader put on the prosthesis and began to get dressed, choosing a simple long-sleeved black shirt and black pants, tying his still wet hair into a bun before he took out some disinfectants, ointment, some cotton pads and a clean bandage to treat his sore neck. A hiss slipped past his lips as he cleaned the scratches with the disinfectant first. Well, it was his fault that it had gotten this bad in the first place and he had a high pain tolerance but still, it stung like hell and he had always hated this kind of pain to the point where he preferred a bullet wound over this. Tomura rubbed the ointment in his skin, put a larger cotton patch on the sore area and wrapped a bandage around his neck. He opened his hair and began to blow-dry it. Should he cut it? But he wasn't able to, the one and only time where he tried to cut his hair had ended in a disaster which Kurogiri had to fix but as much as he had tried it still looked like a disaster. He hadn't taken down his hood for two whole weeks so that he didn't have to see himself like this. So no, he wouldn't cut his hair – at least not without help. The only one who could help him as Dabi and he would never ask him nor would the arsonist help him.

Tomura gripped the sink, his pinkies hovering an inch about the white porcelain and his knuckles turning white as he couched out another flower. Tears welled up in his eyes and he spit the remaining petals in the sink. Stupid disease, stupid flowers, stupid Hawks, stupid Dabi!! His left pinky slipped and he wasn't able to control his quirk, decaying a hole into the sink. Shigaraki flinched and removed his hands immediately, keeping them pressed against his chest as the porcelain crumpled to the ground. Luckily he had stopped before his quirk reached the pipes. No water was flooding the bathroom but now he needed to talk to Yotsubashi about a new sink, adding more money to their debt list (not that he ever planned on paying). Tomura got rid of the flower, flushing it down the toilet. He tied the top half of his hair into a bun and put on his prosthesis again before leaving the bathroom and making his way to the living room.

“Look who woke up from the dead! Boss! Good to see you!”

“Tomuuu! We missed you!”

He bit back the urge to choke up another flower and gave them a nod, sitting down on the couch. Toga was seated on his left with Twice in front of her while she was putting some hair pins and other accessories into his hair. They were watching some kind of rom-com, nothing interesting for him then. The picture was ridiculous but just as lovely in a weird way, two villains watching a rom-com with their leader next to them.

“Spinner is still sleeping and Dabi is meeting Hawks again! Traitor!”

Of course he was, where else should he be? With them, waiting for him? Perhaps cooking, making lunch for them? Yeah, as if. Tomura shrugged and watched Compress entering the room with two cups in each hand. He sat them down on the table and took a seat in the arm chair, the black mask covering his face again.

“Good to see you, Tomura-kun.”

He replied with a hum and took the cup, taking a sip. The milk soothed his vocal cords immediately and it tasted surprisingly well. Nothing he had expected and Kurogiris hot chocolate was barely able to keep up with this. Sako seemed to notice it and couldn't help but to smirk but was interrupted before he could say something.

“Tomu-kun? Can I do your hair next? It's so long and white, let me make it pink!”

“Or green! Yellow? Oh, how about blue but darker?”

His scarlet eyes narrowed and he sent her a deadly glare before

“How about black? Fits his new image, all emo n' stuff.”

Tomura whipped his head around, staring at the dark haired male that had entered the room. He was about to say something, to insult him in some way or whatever when he felt his throat tighten and another coughing fit interrupted his plan, making him bent over. Toga was immediately next to his side, taking the cup in her hands before he would let it drop.

“Tomura...? Tomu!”

“Boss!”

He turned his back to them, decaying the flower almost immediately. Compress knelt down next to him, rubbing his back soothingly as he hid the flowers that came out from the others. How he managed to hide the flowers was a mystery for him, probably using his quirk on them. Tomuras whole body trembled, sweat covering his forehead. His lungs hurt and he could swear that he felt the vines wrapping around them, slowly squeezing. Tears were pricking in his eyes and a choked whimper escaped him as he finally spit out a larger flower, wheezing for much-needed air once his blocked windpipe was free again, taking deep breaths.

“I suggest that you go back to bed again and rest a while. You can come back once you feel better, okay?”

But stubborn as he was, Shigaraki shook his head, coughing out more flowers that decayed in a second. Sako made sure that nobody saw, releasing a sigh at the stubbornness of his leader.

“Someone should get him to the doc or call the doc to get here. Whatever disease you got, it's nasty 'n I don' wanna catch it, creep.”

“Dabi....!”

The loose strands of his hair covered his face, hiding the look on his face. He had nearly thought that Dabi was concerned about him. Turned out he was simply looking out for his own well-being. But maybe the magician was now able to see why he wouldn't talk to him. More petals filled his mouth which he kept in his mouth. It felt like the vines were also wrapping themselves around his heart, squeezing it tightly and making everything more painful. He bit back a whimper, ignoring the tight feeling in his chest.

“...Leave. Before I'm going to dust you. And this time there is no Kurogiri to save your pitiful face from my hand.”

“Whatever, freak.”

The turquoise eyes looked right into his own, piercing him with his gaze before he turned around and left again, leaving Shigaraki alone with his problem. He should be used by now, the insults were nothing new but it felt different. Had been for a while, if he was honest. Tomura swallowed the petals down, ignoring the bitter taste and the dull throb in his heart.

“Don't listen to him, Tomu! He's an idiot!”, huffed the blonde girl, clinging onto his arm with a pout on her lips.

“Yes, don't listen to him! Next time I'm going to kick his ass! No I won't! He'll burn me!”

Tomura let out a dry chuckle and pushed her away as gently as he could before standing up, not looking at any of them. Without another word he left the living room again, marching down the hall.

It was a stupid idea to leave the safety of his room but he needed to finally do something. This could not wait any longer. Once back in his room he got ready, wearing his usual black suit and Father on his face. He sent Ujiko a quick message and it wasn't long until the black goop swallowed him and Shigaraki stood in the lab, the teleportation Nomu on the ground in front of him. He gave him a gentle pat on the head as a welcome.

“Hoho, Shigaraki-san! To what do I owe the pleasure?”

The younger male leaned against the wall, his scarlet eyes fixated on the doc while another cough interrupted him. Of course this got the doctor's attention, he was probably smarter than Compress and knew that this wasn't a normal cough. He didn't know how to start, trying desperately to keep his cool.

“I trust you to keep quiet about it, they mustn't know.”

If what he had said before didn't get Ujikos attention then this did. His bushy eyebrows were raised and his eyes were staring right into his own, scarlet ones.

“Of course, of course! You can indeed trust me, Shigaraki. Please, continue.”

Since showing him was easier Tomura took off Father and coughed out a whole flower, not decaying it for now. The doctor gasped, his eyes widened in shock at the slightly bloody primrose. He wiped away the spit and decayed the flower then, the dust running through his fingers. It was silent for a while, the only noises were Johnnys waddling around the lab and the bubbling from the tanks where some of the Nomus were inside, floating in a weird-looking liquid. Soon he would join them, floating in one of the tanks as well.

“F-for how long do you have it? This needs immediate treatment! I-it is already a whole flower! Who is this person anyway?”

Shigaraki shrugged, knowing that Ujiko didn't care about him at all but about his experiments which he could not continue. And All For One would not like it to hear that the young leader had died because of unrequited love of all things. Plus he didn't want to end up as a Nomu as well.

“Three or four weeks I guess. And who it is does not matter, this is none of anyone's business.”

He was playing a dangerous game with the doctor as the only person who could help him. Still, he knew that he wasn't stupid enough to deny him the surgery. His eyes wandered to the small Nomu – Johnny – and then back to the doc again whose face was chalk white. All colour was drained from the others face as he heard for how long he already had it. The surgery needed to happen soon, otherwise he would die.

“ Three weeks?! A-are you sure??! A flower only comes out after three months! Are you sure you are not mistaken?”

Tomura confirmed it with a nod and put Father on one of the tables while hoping that he could help him. Ujiko had heard stories about where the Hanahaki disease was different, it had taken only half of the normal time and the patient died after six weeks and not after six months. This normally had a trigger such as the desired person treating them like shit or having another relationship. Suddenly he had a feeling who this other person was and the corner of his lips twitched into a creepy smile. Interesting, that their young leader apparently had feelings for a certain arsonist...

“So, can you help me?”

Ujiko huffed, clearly offended by his question.

“Oh? Hoho, of course I can! What do you take me for??!”, sputtered the old man, clearly bothered by it. “But...there is something that has been bothering me. Excuse my blunt question but why have you not come to me sooner?”

This old fucker already knew the answer, that deep down he had hoped that his feelings would be returned, and the question was simply a way to confirm what he already knew. But Tomura kept his cool, shrugging once more while trying to look unbothered. He knew that showing weakness in front of Sensei or the doc would get him killed or turned into a Nomu.

“Thought this would go away, that it was a quirk-related side effect.”

Tomura couldn't see the look on Ujikos face, he didn't know if he believed him or not.

“Perhaps...you thought that there was a chance that this person would return your feelings?”

The doctor did not get the desired reaction. No twitch, no cough, no flinch – nothing.

“I have to disappoint you, that is not the reason and I would be lying if I say that I don't have such feelings because the illness is proof enough that deep down I am able to feel a weak kind of....love. But I will not let these feelings stop me. Otherwise I would not be here, would I?”

Otherwise he would be with Dabi, spending quality couple time or whatever shit there were supposed to be doing as...whatever shit they were supposed to be. A short cough escaped him, more petals tumbling on the ground.

“Ah, I did not expect you to say anything else, Shigaraki. A wise decision, really! As long as you do not forget your duty.”

The underlying threat that he would tell All For One if he were to abandon his duty, the reason why he was doing this in the first place, layed heavy in the air. Even someone as dense as Twice would have noticed the change.

“Don't worry about this, doc. I will not abandon this. I have come too far to let something like this stop me.”

“Very well. So, I recommend getting rid of this immediately. But as you probably know I need some time to prepare everything for the surgery first and this will take some time as well. Give me five days and you can come back. The process will take the whole night, I want you to come at 8pm. Your throat might be sore for a few days but it will fade within days.”

Five days before he would get rid of his feelings towards the other. Five days for Dabi to return his feelings and to change the fate....

“....What about other feelings? Will I be able to feel a certain kind of joy in killing my enemies? Or will anything else be gone as well and I'm like a zombie on drugs?”

“This, Shigaraki, I cannot tell. Perhaps you only lose the ability to love? Or perhaps you lose every feeling at all. We have to see how the surgery will go.”

Wonderful. Not even this was something he could say. He didn't want to lose the ability to feel the last bit of joy or to feel the love for his new-found family. But dying was no option so he had to do it – no matter how it would end.

“Very well. Is this everything or do you have another question?”

The white haired villain stood up and shook his head.

“This would be all. Thank you, Ujiko.”

“Ah, no need to thank me, Shigaraki! It is a pleasure to help you! So if this is all then John-chan will bring you back now. John-chan, where are you? Come and see who visits us!”

The Nomu waddled to them, tubes and wires were dragged along which were plugged into the back of his body. He gave a weird squeak as he spotted Tomura, his red tongue lolling out while he picked up the speed. Johnny couldn't stop and crashed against his legs, more strange sounds escaping him to which Shigaraki had to smile and pick him up, his pinkies lifted.

“It is good to see you. Did you miss me..? I'm sure you did.”

His voice was so much more gentle despite the burning in his throat. Johnny rubbed his snout against Tomuras cheek, happy noises erupting from his throat before he dragged his tongue across his cheek. The young leader's lips quirked up into a faint smile, his cheek wet with the others slobber. It has been way too long since he had seen him or spent time with him, the pads of his fingers rubbing against the top of his snout. The scratching in his throat came back pretty fast – too fast. The tight feeling in his chest caused him to wheeze, trying to get rid of the vines wrapped around his lungs – to no avail. He had to put the teleportation Nomu down, hacking up more and more flowers. He didn't know if the creature could understand that he was in pain but he was back at his legs, rubbing his snout against his leg to soothe him.

“You should have come to me sooner, Shigaraki. I do hope that it will not be too late, but to my dismay I cannot speed up the process.”

Tomura waved him off and placed Father back on his face again when he was done coughing up flowers, hidden by the large hand once more.

“Thank you, Ujiko. I'll see you in five days then”, stated the younger male, completely ignoring the others comment, “see you in five days as well, Johnny.”

Shigaraki was glad that the Nomu understood as much, the black goop swallowing him once again and within a few seconds he was back in his room again. A painful sting caused him to flinch and he was coughing out more and more flowers – bloody ones this time. The petals were nearly gone, replaced by the now bloody flowers..

The rest of the days were spent alone, in peace. Nobody disturbed him, even Compress knew to keep the distance and not to annoy him any further. The magician was most likely aware of where he had been and wanted to leave him alone so he could think about it. Though, it was probably not the best idea to leave him alone but he was too stubborn and he would confess his feelings first before asking for help or admitting that he needed help. Tomura left his room for only getting food, he had moved the appointments for the meetings to after the surgery and spent the time playing video games and puking out the flowers.

When he woke up in the morning before his surgery Shigaraki found himself covered in bloody flowers. It had gotten worse, he was barely able to talk without throwing up flowers and if he was able to talk then his throat hurt as if he swallowed tiny pieces of broken glass. It was a miracle that he didn't spit out blood yet or that the flowers were growing out of his mouth already. Though, he was pretty sure that he could feel the vines crawling up his throat, slowly suffocating him. The white satin sheets had red splotches, the blood had even soaked into the mattress. Within one minute he decayed every single flower and changed the sheets, decaying them as well to leave no proof. It was not like he could not afford new sheets, all he had to do was let Re-Destro know and he would order new, softer ones. He stayed in his room until noon, vomiting more and more flowers while trying to look decent but the dark circles beneath his eyes and skeleton-like features made it unnecessarily harder than usual. The young leader took his sweet time in the bathroom, getting cleaned up and kind of presentable.

With Father on his face he left the safety his room provided, making his way over to their living room with only Dabi and Compress were. The rest was most likely bugging the former MLA members or exploring their huge home. Tired, scarlet eyes were ignoring the searching turquoise ones, instead focused on the white wall while the familiar-grown itch in his lungs was scratching on the inside of his throat.

“Ah, good morning Shigaraki. Would you like a cup of hot chocolate?”

Compress acted as if everything had been normal, as if the young boss had not been missing for days. Tomura confirmed it with a grunt and plopped down in the arm chair, leaning back and staring against the ceiling. He could have fallen asleep if not for the raspy voice breaking the silence.

“Yo, boss. Feelin' better? Haven't seen you for days, thought you died.”

As if he had asked, Tomura began to cough, not able to suppress the urge to choke out the flowers any longer. This probably answered his question. Shigaraki turned aside, the flowers immediately gone with a single touch.

“Guess not.

“Fuck off, staples.”

“Gladly, creep. Don' wanna catch your disease anyway.”

“It's not a disease! It's just a cough!”

“Yeah? Just a cough? For how long now? Three weeks? Four? Five?”

“How would you know, you're not even here most of the time.”

“Ohh, jealous? Come on, boss , never took you for the jealous type but with such a face 's no wonder that – ”

“Stop it this once! Both of you but especially you right now, Dabi. Don't you think that, given the circumstances of your own appearance, it is a little extreme to say anything regarding Tomuras appearance?”

Compress had stepped in while Tomura was not able to say anything, too shocked to even give into the itch and scratch his neck. His scarlet eyes were widened, the familiar burn stinging in his eyes but he refused to give in and cry. Nobody could see this one tear that slipped down, thanks to Father and his hair covering most of his face. That was all that he allowed himself, nothing more. Everything inside him hurt, his heart was shattered once again by the very same person. The vines around his lungs were squeezing them tightly, reminding him over and over again that these feelings were useless. And he had really thought that there was a tiny chance for the arsonist to return his feelings. What a dumb idiot he was. But it made the decision for the surgery easier, if not ridiculously easy. A very faint yet sad smile covered his lips.

“.....It's fine, Compress. He's not entirely wrong after all but I do have to thank you for this, Dabi. Thank you.”

Without waiting for an answer (not that he would get one anyway) Shigaraki got up and left the room, Father hiding the pain inside his eyes, leaving a bloody petal behind. He knew that nobody would follow him, they did not dare. And Dabi had made it very obvious that he couldn't care less. He would spend the rest of the day with Ujiko and Johnny, maybe he was even finished with preparing the surgery so Tomura could finally get rid of this. The white haired took out his phone and sent him a quick message. Not a minute later and he was swallowed by the black slime, standing in front of the doctor, a big grin covering his face.

“Shigaraki, good afternoon! Please sit down, I have to run a few test and will be with you shortly. It went better than expected so we can start right after the tests are finished. Unless....you have changed your mind?”

“No. If possible, start with the surgery immediately. I don't want to wait any longer.”

“Hm! Very well!”

With that, he disappeared behind a curtain, leaving him alone with his thoughts that began to cloud his mind. So, that was it then? Maybe he should have talked to Dabi? But his behaviour had been more than enough for him to understand that there was no love at all. Not even something similar to companionship. He hated him, and had made it very clear at their first meeting. Shigaraki tried everything he had been able to think about; making him his second-in command, making him the boss of their first real mission – hell, he even gave him his own Nomu! Nobody had ever gotten something like this! And yet....he preferred the winged hero who would probably betray him in the end. But this was not his fault, he had not told him to seek out a hero to join. How dumb was he, to think that Hawks would ever join their cause? He knew enough to know that Hawks would always be a hero, no matter how much he tried to pretend that he was sick of it. The only reason Dabi had not let them meet was because it would get in the way with his own goals. After all, he still needed Shigaraki. But it was only a matter of time until he was useless and would be thrown away completely.

Something – Johnny – nudged his snout against his leg, snapping him out of his thoughts, wriggling with his lower part while the tubes and wires were off for once. Just like Mon. With a four-finger grip he picked up the Nomu, running his fingertips over the mushy brain carefully which he clearly enjoyed, his tongue hanging down. Once the doc decided he didn't need him anymore, Tomura would take John with him. The weird-looking creature had become his first friend as Tomura Shigaraki, always trailing after him whenever Sensei had to talk to Ujiko and he couldn't stay alone at their place. They had played together for what had felt like hours, playing hide and seek, catch or exploring the lab. Did he remember? Probably. The Nomu was smarter than everyone thought. A short smile appeared on his lips as Johnny rubbed his snout against the fingertips, a few whines and purrs escaping him. Huh, didn't know they could purr.

“The preparations are complete. Please, follow me. It will only take a minute and once you wake up you will feel – “

Nothing. Just like Sensei had always wanted. Not for Dabi, probably not for anyone else. And maybe not even for Johnny or Kurogiri anymore, something he already regretted dearly but this was the only option. With a final, gentle poke against the red tongue, Shigaraki sat the Nomu down again and got up, following the doctor deeper into the dark laboratory, not noticing how John grunted and tried to catch up with him.

~

It was just like the doc had said, he didn't notice anything during the surgery. His chest was bandaged with another soon-to-be scar covering his chest now. The door creaked open, revealing the teleportation Nomu once more and a fond smile covered his face at his attempt to get up the bed. At least he was able to feel something for him and the others (except Dabi) so not all positive feelings had vanished, only the ability to love someone or something. Not that he had much feelings in the first place but now even the smallest part was gone. This...was good. Better than expected – but not perfect. Once more he lifted him and placed him on the bed, hissing at the stretch of the wound. No blood seeped through the bandages so he had not ripped it open. Johnny let out a whine, pressing his head into his chest. Shigaraki knew that the Nomu was able to sense feelings much better than humans, knowing as well that he didn't like that he had chosen the surgery over just telling the fire user his feelings.

“Stop this. There....was no other way and I can't die – not yet anyway.”

Another unsatisfied sound erupted from the creature but he stayed silent otherwise. A knock caught his attention and with a grunt Shigaraki allowed the intruder, probably Ujiko, to enter. Only that it wasn't Ujiko.

“Why...? Fucking – fuck, just...why?”

Scarlet met turquoise and....he didn't feel anything. No spark, no butterflies – nothing. Only emptiness. Not a good nor a bad one but a neutral emptiness. While the fire user was clearly angry with him for a reason Shigaraki didn't – couldn't – understand. Not anymore.

“I can't die yet. I have a mission and – “

“WHY DIDN'T YOU FUCKING TELL ME?!?”

The loud, booming voice caused the teleportation Nomu to flinch and let out something like a whine. But Shigaraki felt nothing, not even anger towards Dabi. There was nothing and the white haired leader didn't know if he was supposed to feel scared, sad, angry or happy.

“Because it wouldn't have changed anything. You clearly didn't feel the same and I – “

“Shut the fuck up. Fucking shut up! Shutupshutpshutupshutup!!You know nothing about how I feel! You don't get to tell me – “

“Calm down, Dabi.”

“Calm down?! Do you know what you just did?! And you didn't tell me shit! It also involved me, you can't just decide shit without letting me know!! I thought you trusted me! Instead you chose a dumb operation!”

His right-hand man was screaming, his eyes furiously staring at his boss while he was panting heavily, steam escaping the seams of his patchwork body. Blood was running down the staples that were tugging hard on the corners of his mouth due to his screaming. This wasn't his Shigaraki anymore, the Shigaraki who would jump at his insults every time, who would insult him just as much as he did or bicker with him over stupid little things. No, this was only an empty shell with the last bit of love he was able to feel gone. Only wrath and spite were left. Gone were the days where they would teasingly insult each other. Now he would get nothing back, probably not even a glance. He would be ignored, cast away, just like when he had been a child.

“Why do you care so much now? You showed me more than once that you hate me, talking to you would have been pointless. And of course I trust you, otherwise you would not be my second-in command.”

This left Dabi speechless for a few minutes, no answer wanted to come out. Not that he had an answer at all. This was how he had been his whole life, this was how he worked!

“This is how I am! How I work! I show my affection through insults! And clearly, you don't trust me because I'd have listened! I'd have helped you! If only you had said something!”

A hum escaped him, his eyes empty from all the adoration and love it had held before as his eyes were still looking deep into the turquoise ones. All that was left was a blank expression on his face, something Dabi did not like the slightest.

“How would you have helped me? It was either dying or the surgery and I decided to live.”

It was the other who snorted this time, more blood running down his cheeks due to him clenching his teeth.

“You really don't get it, do you? Have to spell it out for ya? Dense motherfucker. FUCK!! I love you!! But guess this doesn't matter anymore now, huh? Doesn't change the fact that you didn't come to me, doesn't make the operation undone.”

He....loved him?

“What about Hawks then? Why didn't you – “

“Why didn't I, what? Come to you and tell you? Just like you did ? And what about Hawks? I thought he'd be a good opportunity to get more information for your plans – whatever they might be! I had to spend some time with him to keep him away from you since he's lying about joining us! As if I let him ever get close to you!!”

Okay, maybe he got a point. Still, he had known when the insults were too much and when not to talk back. If only he had just told him, if only they had just talked instead of assuming something but the fear of rejection, of being laughed at and left alone had been too big so it was obvious that Tomura would not say anything. Especially after him insulting Shigaraki over and over again.

Johnny nudged his head under his hand, making strange grumbling, then purring noises again. He took a deep breath, trying to ignore the upcoming headache as he collected his thoughts.

“Guess it's too late now, isn't it? Should have talked to each other.”

“Yeah, should have...”

The fire user let out a dry chuckle and sat down next to the bed, poking the Nomus snout gently while avoiding to look at his boss. He reached out for him with his gloved hand, lifting up the others head gently to look him in the eyes. Dabi leaned into his touch, his eyes slowly trailing up to look him in the dull, crimson eyes. Even now his eyes were hypnotizing, drawing him closer and closer until he felt Shigarakis breath against his lips, their lips almost touching. He tilted his head aside, not once breaking the eye contact. It was also the dark haired villain who broke the last distance, pressing his mismatched lips against the chapped ones. A satisfied hum escaped him as their lips touched, the sensation overwhelming all of his senses but it didn't last long, the younger one pulling back.

“Don't. You're only hurting yourself like this, Dabi. I don't want to be cruel to you so don't make me push you away even further.”

Normally Shigaraki would have wrapped his arms around him, pulling him closer and kissing him back, euphoric to finally be able to open up about his feelings for the burnt fire user and to feel him close. Instead, he felt nothing. Had both not already suffered enough? No, probably not. The dark haired refused to let go of him, pulling him carefully against his chest, running his hands through the white locks while being careful that the staples wouldn't get caught in the hair. He hid his face into the others hair, breathing in the faint scent of roses, disinfectant and home . It took a while until he spoke again.

“One kiss, that's all. You owe me that much, Tomura. Just....one kiss and I will never ask this of you again.”

His voice was barely louder than a whisper as he demanded the favour. And to his and Shigarakis surprise he received a 'yes'. The younger one wriggled himself free, trying to recall what he had dreamt about just a few days ago. It was obvious that the other couldn't believe his luck to feel his boss so close again and he wouldn't give him time to change his mind so without thinking much he pulled him against his chest once more, cupping his face into both of his hands while his thumbs stroked over the scars and mole around his lips, his turquoise eyes taking in all the details as if it was his last time that he saw the man. He leaned closer, placing his lips against Shigarakis once more who relaxed in his arms. Dabi tried to pour all of the love he had into the kiss, hoping to magically bring back his feelings – to no avail. He didn't want to stretch his patience so Dabi pressed his lips against the others with more force before leaning back to let go of him, both sitting in uncomfortable silence with Johnny between them, the dark haired male tugging on a staple on his wrist with his gaze fixated on the sheets. It was Tomura who broke the silence, minus the purring noises coming from the Nomu who had fallen asleep.

“I trust you to handle the others. Don't tell them anything, I will be back tomorrow. What happened between us will stay between us.”

“Sure thing, boss. But can't promise not to set the ice man on fire though, 's too tempting.”

The fire user was back to his usual self again, a smirk plastered across his face as he spoke about his plan to set Geten on fire (something he would regret later). Still, Shigaraki knew that it was all an act, being able to see through the others' facade of pretending to be okay while deep down he was suffering.

“Just don't overdo it, Dabi. I still need you and don't want to lose you because you couldn't stop teasing Geten.”

It came out way too caring even though he did not feel anything, his voice rough and hoarse yet calm and strangely soothing for the dark haired villain who didn't miss the caring tone in the others voice.

“Who, me? Nah, never. Wouldn't want to leave you alone with Baldy and the fried chicken.”

Dabi ruffled through the white locks and got up without waking Johnny who was still nuzzled into Shiarakis stomach, now snoring.

“Don't overwork yourself, boss. If ya need something just call me and I'll be back..”

He turned around and was about to walk out of the room when Shigarakis voice made him stop immediately.

“Dabi...”

“Yeah...??!”

Dabi turned around a little too quick, his heavy coat swinging behind him, the last bit of hope flickering in his eyes that the surgery had been a stupid joke and Tomura demanded to be kissed, touched – anything would be fine. But the little bit of hope vanished as he looked in the still dull, red eyes without any emotions left.

“...I'm sorry...”

A soft huff escaped his right-hand man, his gaze lowering while his lips were pulled into a melancholic smile.

“Me too, boss....me too..”