Chapter Text
The sun hasn’t even risen when Lux stirs from her sleep.
She had only just soothed herself to sleep a couple of hours ago, too busy hyperventilating and sobbing into her pillow to sleep, her nails bit down to the quicks, her stomach in knots. She knows it’s the best choice, choosing to have some modicum of dignity, self respect and all that, but it’s fucking impossible when Ellie kisses her like that, when she begs. I’m doing the right thing, she kept reminding herself throughout the night.
That mantra did little to settle her.
The noise that wakes her is the creak of the door opening. She lies there beneath the blankets, too tired to get up. Part of her knows who it is, anyway. She cracks an eye open, met by Ellie, who quietly shuts the door. Her stomach flips, heat spreading up her neck. She hates that she still reacts this way, with excitement and anticipation, when she’s trying to put this all behind her.
Ellie’s face is blank as she enters the bedroom. She’s wearing her tan suede jacket, a buttoned flannel, and jeans. Her boots squeak against the floor as she comes in, sitting on the side of the bed where Lux sleeps, nearly sitting on top of her legs. She digs her arms out from beneath the blankets, still lying down. Ellie is staring, her eyes shining from the moonlight coming in through the window. She exhales, cupping Lux’s face, her thumb pressing against her jaw. Lux closes her eyes. I shouldn’t let her do this, she thinks, but she’s tired and weak, so she lies there, savoring Ellie’s touch.
The bed creaks as Ellie leans down, kissing Lux on her mouth. Lux mentally chastises herself as she wraps an arm around Ellie, pulling her close. The truth settles horribly upon her, turning her blood cold and sucking all the air out of the room, that Ellie may very well never come back, that she’ll die on her journey, or that she might just leave Jackson behind. Her stomach hurts now and she feels tears forming behind her closed eyes. Ellie breaks away from the kiss, pressing her forehead to Lux’s, just like she had done yesterday evening.
Lux opens her eyes, wanting to take everything in, to remember Ellie’s freckles and the little black mole beneath her eye, her auburn-brown hair, pulled back halfway, her stone, unyielding expression. They don’t speak. It would just lead to another fight, more pain. Ellie looks away from Lux as she pulls away from her touch. Lux drops her arms at her sides. She closes her eyes, feeling a sob creeping up from the depths of her stomach, not wanting to watch the door open, for Ellie to disappear into the foggy morning air.
The mattress shifts when Ellie stands up, the warmth of her nearness gone. Her boots thud against the floor, Lux’s eyes still squeezed shut, forcing warm tears out. The door opens and shuts, and that dreadful, nagging sensation in Lux’s chest deepens. She keeps her eyes closed. Maybe this way, she can pretend Ellie’s still right here, just out of arm's reach.