Chapter Text
Robert was passionate about what he did, Lyra could tell that in their first five minutes of conversation. Throughout the tour, the man was keen to present the achievements that the course had accomplished through some exemplary students, which were the matters involved in that course and what Lyra could develop if she chose to apply to the university. As she was far from Marisa, the girl took the opportunity to clear up any doubts she had regarding oceanography, especially about the possibility of working by traveling to explore other parts of the world - the girl, as well as Pan, did not see themselves leading a life in England, they did not see themselves fixed anywhere and this generated disagreements with Will.
"The field research... are they sponsored by the university?" Lyra remembered the effort Asriel made to get funding at Jordan College, she hoped she wouldn't have to go through that in the future.
"Well, funding is always able to happen. I can't tell you for sure, but if you are highly recommended by the professors and guests at the university, I don't see why you wouldn't get it." Robert was frank.
"She's a guest of the university." Pan whispered in disgust.
"No, she just exchanges correspondences with the other theorists here. She's not a guest yet, she hasn't said anything about it." Lyra replied in thought to Pan.
"She doesn't need to tell us anything, she never tells us anything. You would do well to remember that once in a while." Pan settled better into Lyra's bag.
"My father had a lot of problems with funding while he was a researcher at another college, I can't quite remember the name of the college he studied. I don't know if my mother commented anything about that." Lyra tried to bring in elements of the past to wring information out of Robert.
"Mister Boreal?" The man presented a confused face.
"No, sometimes I forget she was married to Boreal. I'm sorry. His name is Asriel."
"Oh! I was confused for a moment, Lord Boreal sponsored a lot of research and expeditions at this university and others, he was a very generous man. Just as your mother is too, she has a high sponsorship quota here. Come, I'll show you some of the expeditions she funded from the fund Mr. Boreal set up a few years ago." Robert led Lyra into an exhibition room, it was a little further away from the other rooms in the Institute, but it held a collection of expeditions undertaken.
"I told you she could interfere with the funding, I told you." Pam grumbled.
"That is oceanography?" Lyra was appalled at the number of expeditions funded with the Boreal fund.
"Well, yes. Mister Boreal didn't invest much in that department, but your mother seems to have a taste for the unfolding of the unknown. I thought you'd know." The man looked slightly confused.
"No, my mother likes to keep some things to herself, you know? When she does some social actions like this... She doesn't divulge even to her family." Lyra tried to come up with an explanation, which was easily accepted.
"Pan, I don't understand. Why would she invest in oceanography? This is not new, she's been doing this since she arrived in this world." Lyra relayed her anxieties to Pan as Robert organized the documents he showed her.
"You'll have to ask her."
"She has a great heart, doesn't she? One of the most brilliant women to ever set foot in this university. A shame it took us so long to get her here, as a philanthropist and as a guest."
"She is a guest." Pan scoffed.
"My mother is a remarkable woman." Lyra agreed, there was a bitter taste in Lyra's mouth - she knew how remarkable her mother was, but she couldn't know who her mother really was.
"She won't give us a penny if it means going away from her claws" Pam warned.
"Well, shall we continue the tour?"
"I'd still like to know more about the expeditions. That's a part I'm very interested in." Lyra still felt she needed to know more about it.
Robert told her more about the expeditions undertaken in the waters of the Black Sea and the expansion they were making into Oceania. The college now funded expeditions that focused on understanding the changes in coral reefs, a topic that Lyra had not paid much attention to until then and now found herself fascinated by. The minutes passed so quickly that Lyra and Pam didn't realize how much time had already passed.
Pam couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to accompany Lyra on this water adventure, especially if he would be able to dive with her through the ocean or if they would have to go their separate ways. He hadn't considered that option yet but began to worry when Robert mentioned how deep the coral reefs they were studying were.
Lyra on the other hand was amazed by the conversation, she longed to feel the salty wind on her cheeks as she sailed out into the open ocean to find the coral reefs. It reminded her of Ma Costa and the Gyptians. Lyra remembered fondly the months when they hid her from Marisa as they headed north. At that time Lyra could barely go up on the pier or ask about the oceans and the wonder they held, she was too afraid for that and Ma Costa was too afraid of losing the girl to the magisterial officers.
"This time we will make new memories in the ocean." Pam said to Lyra.
"Yes, Pam. We will, I'm just not sure this is the right college." Lyra agreed with the daemon.
"LYRA! Did you enjoy the tour with Robert?" A melodious, almost angelic voice caught Lyra and Pam's attention. Marisa spoke with such calmness and sweetness that that call would have enchanted anyone.
Lyra straightened her backpack with Pam, a clear sign that something had made her uncomfortable.
"Very much so, the expeditions you fund and sponsor are amazing, Mom." Lyra made a point of emphasizing Marisa's participation, this was a tease.
"How wonderful. I was just commenting to Luca on how this subject has always interested you. I remember your eyes sparkling when you were still a little girl, every time I or any other adult would comment on oceans and long expeditions into the unknown."
"Marisa must be a wonderful mother, she talks with great passion about you, Lyra." Luca made a point of bringing this up as he stared at Marisa in a mesmerizing way. He was charmed by her, as any other man was when she used her charm.
When Lyra didn't respond to the comment, Robert felt it would be best to intervene.
"Well Lyra, you are always welcome here. Our application process starts in just two months. You know that your mother's nomination is already enough to guarantee your entry. It will be a pleasure to have you with us next year."
"I... I'll see about that. I still have to think I... I really appreciate all the patience and the conversation today, but I feel I need to think a little more. This is a big decision and I want to be sure I've made the best one I could." Lyra gave a dull smile but was beginning to feel suffocated by the watchful gaze of the three figures.
"Of course, you have my contact in case you have any further questions," Robert said his goodbyes briefly.
"Thank you, Robert and Luca. Mother, I think it would be better if we went home now. It's getting a little late and I have a lot to process today." Lyra spoke in the sweetest tone she could manage, she just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible, get away from all the attention she was getting because of Marisa.
"Sure, come on sweetie. Thank you both again, I'm sure you've left my Lyra delighted." Marisa said her goodbyes as best she could and started walking alongside her daughter out of the university.
Lyra didn't want to talk on the way to the car, she didn't make the slightest effort to do so and it seemed that Marisa knew that would happen. The two walked side by side in the most extraordinary silence, each absorbed in her own thoughts.
"Lyra, I think it would be best if we went back to our home today" Pam said, he wanted to return to Mary's house as soon as possible. Pam and Mary became great confidants, the scientist got into the habit of talking to the young daemon a lot and making sure he was listened to and cared for.
The girl didn't answer Pam, she still didn't know what was best. All she knew was that she wanted to get the hell out of there.
Marisa didn't try to talk to Lyra, not until they arrived at the hotel she booked into - and Lyra couldn't remember hearing her mother calling any hotel to book a room.
"I don't know what happened, but I'd like to know what you thought of our visit now this afternoon and the oceanography program." Marisa tried to start a conversation as she left her bag under a small table in the hotel room.
Lyra opened and closed her mouth a few times, she wanted to speak but wasn't sure how. She wanted to pounce and fill Marisa with questions, but the woman in front of her looked so fragile that she felt prevented.
"Lyra, please, you can tell me anything. What's up in your mind?" Marisa walked over to her daughter and held her hands firmly.
Pam stepped out of Lyra's bag at that moment, he no longer needed to hide and felt he could give Lyra strength.
"I really enjoyed the expeditions. I enjoyed the whole thing. You know, my best childhood memories are inside Ma Costa's Boat. I remember feeling the salty wind and having Pam turn into a fish next to the boat. We only got to do this a few times, we had to hide from the Magisterial officers, but it was all special. I was reminded of that today as I listened to Robert talk about the expeditions." Lyra began.
"I knew that woman was hiding you from me back then. I sent dozens of officers after you." Marisa grumbled. Jealousy shone in her blue eyes.
"I know, Ma Costa had a hiding place under the kitchen cooker. I would always slip in there when the officers came, I couldn't be caught. The gypsies didn't like me playing on the pier and leaving Pam in the sea, they were afraid of the attention it might bring. We always found a way though." Lyra took Pam on her lap.
"I don't know what you're getting at. I did what I had to do because I wanted to get you back, I wanted you back. Lyra, you have no idea the dread I felt at the thought that the Oblation Council officials could have you in their hands, that they could easily capture you. I barely slept at the time. I don't regret the searches I ordered for you, I don't regret any of them." Marisa was sincere in her words.
That touched Lyra, she had never heard her mother make that statement before. The dispatches from the magisterial staff were a fear as to Lyra's safety. For all this time the girl thought the officials were just trying to return her to Marisa, to the clutches of the woman in London, but it was more than that.
"I don't understand why you invest in oceanography. I understand you taking me to this university, you want me around, and you don't want me to leave, but I don't understand these massive investments you make. Robert showed me the expeditions you fund."
"Really, Lyra? You really don't know?" Marisa scoffed.
Lyra held her mother's gaze. There was a lot of pain between the two of them.
"I don't have many memories with you as a child. You were taken from me shortly after your birth and I only had you back when you were a little older. Even after getting you back I didn't have much time, I spent 5 months with you. 5 months represent nothing of your childhood and adolescence, absolutely nothing. I know you know that when we don't have many memories, we hold on to the little we have and make that our guide. I don't remember seeing you saying your first words or taking your first steps, nor could I, but I remember the look in your eyes when we studied the northern sea currents. I remember your enthusiasm to understand how we could meet the ocean. Lyra, I held onto that because oceanography reminded me of you, and brought back happy memories we had of our few months together." A solitary tear ran down Marisa's cheek.
The conversation was very emotional and necessary for the two wounded hearts. Marisa was opening her heart in a way she hadn't done before, but more than that, she was making herself vulnerable to the person she loved most in the world.
"Do you fund oceanography because you feel it brings you closer to me?" Lyra still looked in disbelief at the statement, it wasn't that she thought Marisa was a liar at this point, but it brought out a motherly side that Lyra didn't think really existed there.
"I fund oceanography because I remember Lyra's 11-year-old eyes studying about it."
"You... You miss the months we spent in London together, don't you?"
"I loved our months together too, I wanted so badly to have a mother and I felt you were the closest thing to that I would have. I loved our lessons about oceans, not the ones about algebra or grammar, those were stupid." Lyra provoked a giggle in Marisa.
"I wanted to bring you here because you have a great chance at being an explorer from a very highly regarded university. You will be a great explorer, Lyra."
"I admire that, I loved the visit and all the expeditions. I just... I just don't want to depend on you anymore, I don't want to feel like I'm giving you control." Lyra blurted out.
A silence settled in the room.
"I don't want to depend on you to run expeditions, I don't want it to be your money that funds or stops funding anything at the university. I don't want that. I want to earn my way, I want to feel free."
"I would never stop you from clearing other places if that is your will."
"And you would never encourage me to go that far if another researcher wanted it too."
"Not wanting you away from me is not a crime." Marisa's voice faltered.
"No, but having the power to make my choices for me isn't right. I loved the work you're doing there and I really admire you for it, Mom. I really admire who you have become in this world. I just want to walk my own path, please." Lyra sat down next to Marisa on one of the beds and held her hands. The girl made sure to look deep into her mother's eyes.
"I'm afraid of losing you, more than I ever have." Marisa whispered.
Marisa was struck with memories of Lyra disappearing from her flat in London the first time, of Lyra fleeing Bolvangar, of Lyra not being with Asriel when she found him on the mountain, of Lyra choosing not to live with her when they stayed in the new world. She had lost Lyra many times and she didn't know if she could lose the girl again now, in this world she didn't control the institutions like in the other.
"You won't lose me, I will always be here." Lyra brought one of her hands to Marisa's heart, holding her there.
"She's afraid, Lyra. I've never seen her scared like this before." Pam confided.
Marisa's phone began to ring, she ignored the call twice, but the attempt at communication continued.
"Answer it, no problem." Lyra assured it was ok for Marisa to pick up her phone.
"Asriel... I'm not sleeping at home tonight. No, I'm not in town. I'm with Lyra, we're in a hotel in London. Of course, she agreed to come with me, do you think I would force her to come? You're unbelievable. I'll tell her... No, just after. Make sure the house is in order before I come back, Alma won't be working until next week. Me too, I love you too." Marisa went from angry, angry to kind a few seconds into the call.
"Let me guess, he thought you kidnapped me?" Lyra joked.
"Yeah, can you believe him? Complicated man." They laughed.
Indeed, Asriel had his reasons for believing that Marisa would kidnap Lyra in this new world. It's not like she hadn't tried in the first few months. Once they had settled into the new world, Marisa had set up a scheme with two detectives at Oxford to kidnap Lyra after her class and bring her to the farm. Asriel found out about the plan and made sure everything was finished before it began. In the new beginning, they could not initiate by crooked and unconventional means, it would only alienate Lyra and take away her peers' trust in them. That's not to say that Marisa didn't plan other such events, she just couldn't go through with her plan. The woman would just never tell her daughter about it.
"I'm a little tired, do you mind if I go take a shower and lie down? I think I've had a lot of emotions today."
Marisa readily agreed, they had been through a lot of emotions together in a few hours.
A flash of nostalgia hit Marisa: she always gave the baths or accompanied Lyra in them while they were in London. It made her feel needed, and motherly, in a way she had never felt before.
"Lyra, you..." Marisa gave up speaking and cowered.
"I what?" Lyra looked at her confused.
"Nothing, it was silly." Marisa got up from the bed and started rummaging through her bag, she wasn't looking for anything specific, she just didn't want to sustain her daughter's gaze.
"I think she wants to be with us." Pam said.
"But she's already here with us." Lyra answered him confused.
"No, she wants to be like she did in London. Sitting next to us while you showered."
"I'm not a child anymore, Pam. I don't need her to bathe me anymore."
"I think she wants to feel needed, she wants to relive that moment. We don't need to do that."
"I don't want her to bathe me, that would be weird, I'm not eleven anymore."
"She can keep you company, think about it."
Lyra considered Pam's points, she knew he was right. This was strange, she was no longer a little girl needing help bathing, she was practically a woman by now - or at least she considered herself that way.
"Just for today." Lyra said to Pam.
The girl was embarrassed to suggest such a thing, she was embarrassed to suggest that Marisa accompany her in an activity they did years ago when she was a child and innocent.
Lyra knew that Marisa had looked after her during the cave period, that she had bathed and cleaned her to the best of her ability, but she was unconscious. So that didn't count, it wasn't a real interaction between the two of them, it wasn't motherly.
"Do you want to join me? I can take the chair that's on the little table and put it on the side of the tub." Lyra's question made Marisa's eyes sparkle with hope. This was a gleam Lyra hardly saw in hardened blue eyes.
Marisa seemed to consider, she didn't know what reaction she should have. That request was very unusual. Of course, she would love to be next to Lyra in the bathtub, that was their ritual when the girl lived a few months in London.
"Are you sure?" Marisa wanted to confirm.
"Yes, mother. I am sure. You know... I would love to have my hair washed by you. It brings back good memories." Lyra moved closer to Marisa.
"Sure, come on. You go ahead. I'll get the chair myself. Don't make the water too hot." Marisa made a point of passing the orders to her daughter, she wanted Lyra to go ahead so she could get her back up a bit.
The older woman stared at the chair as she listened to the tub filling with water. She still couldn't believe the wonderful feeling that filled her chest. Lyra was making her so vulnerable and making her feel loved in ways she never thought possible.
Marisa knew that this invitation from Lyra didn't come out of anywhere, she had finally earned her daughter's trust and her respect. Washing Lyra's hair might not seem like a big deal, but it was a huge step in the relationship they were trying to rebuild, especially with Marisa.
The feeling that filled the room that night was one of love and a fresh start. Mother and daughter starting over, definitely.