Chapter Text
Felix is 24 when Chan pulls him against his lips, in front of their six groomsmen and their intimate gathering of friends and family. There's cheers around him, some cries too, but all he can focus on his Chan's hand on his cheek, and the feeling of his lover's lips on his. The lake watches over them, silently congratulating them. Felix sighs into the kiss, their first kiss as a married couple, and places his forehead against Chan's as he gathers himself. It's intimate, far too intimate of a moment for it to be shared with so many others, and yet Felix doesn't want it any other way.
The soft tunes of Ed Sheeran's 'Thinking out loud' enter his ear, and the scent of Chan's cologne enters his nose as he put his chin on his husband's shoulder during their first dance. The lyrics tug on Felix' heartstrings, and he thinks of all the times Chan has played it during his Vlives, smiling because he knew Felix would he watching. 'Our song', he called it.
It's magical. It's perfect.
Felix is almost 25 when he finds himself standing backstage, ready to step onto an all to familiar stage in Sydney to kick off their third world tour. Chan's hand is holding his tightly as he gives the members an encouraging speech, before they get into position to go on stage. The cheers from the fans are almost deafening as the intro music is played, and yet it calms Felix down. As he looks around, at the members, at the staff, he knows he's happy. He meets Chan's eyes and smiles.
"Hey, sunshine?"
"Yeah?"
"Remember I love you."
Felix is 25 when he first starts noticing it. They're in the middle of their tour, currently in Paris, and he's tired. He's exhausted. Exhaustion isn't new to any of them, yet this kind of tiredness feels new to Felix. It's seeping into his very core.
They've been touring for weeks now, and have done well over 20 concerts so far. Cuddling up to his husband is barely possible anymore, as he falls asleep as soon as his body hits the mattress. It puts a little bit of a strain on their relationship, and while Chan tells him otherwise, Felix knows it's his fault.
Felix is 25 as he looks out of the window to watch the fireworks outside. It's New Year's, and he's hauled up in his apartment in Sydney with Chan and the other members. He's standing right in front of the window, hand pressed against it, and breathing leaving slight traces of fog on the glass surface. There's a hand around his waist, thumb tracing circles in his side, and it's keeping him grounded.
He hears six pairs of gasps behind him, belonging to his members, his brothers, his second family. It's the first time they've all spent New Year's eve in Sydney together. Felix can feel a tear drop at the realization, and if the slight tightening of the arm around his waist is anything to go by, Chan noticed it.
"It's okay, love. I know. I feel it too." he whispers in his ear. Felix can't do much more than lean into him more, and tuck his head in Chan's neck.
Felix is 25 when he first starts noticing it in the other members as well. They're all young, and should be in the high of their lives, but there's something weighing them down. All of them. The world tour has taken a toll on them, some more than others, but all of them nonetheless. Their comeback has been postponed as Jisung had been captured once again by the claws of his anxiety. There's still daily dance practice, but no one seems eager to go. Felix doesn't feel as free as he once did during dancing. The happiness he felt at the very start of their world tour has never quite returned. He's happy, of course he is, just not as much as he used to be.
He sees it in the other members as well. Hyunjin's mental health is constantly being put under strain by the heaps of negative comments that still flood in every day. Changbin is reluctant to enter the studio, doesn't feel excited anymore at the thought of producing new music. Seungmin is struggling with singing, the years of being the main vocalist taking their toll on his voice. Jeongin has gotten jittery being with the members and the company 24/7 and seems eager to get out there, to explore the world and it's possibilities. Minho is torn between trying to keep the members happy and excited and taking care of Jisung, who's barely able to get out of bed anymore.
And Chan?
The glint in his eyes has dimmed.
The glint that was there, so very present at their wedding and honeymoon, is almost impossible to find nowadays. Felix searches for it desperately, but the only time it returns is when they're cuddled close together, hands intertwined and heartbeats matching up.
It had dissapeared once before, Felix remembers. When they'd gone from 9 to 8 and Chan had spent days, weeks blaming himself for it. Felix had been afraid at that time, afraid that the glint in his eyes would never return.
He's afraid now, too.
Felix is almost 26 when he knows there's no way Stray Kids will fulfill their entire 10-year contract. Minho's gone off to his mandatory military service, and it had been a heartwrenching couple of days after his departure. No one had been able to leave the dorms, let alone focus on work and practice. They're sitting at the dinner table, poking away at what is a perfectly fine meal, but none of them have an appetite. As Felix looks around the table, he knows it can't be attributed solely to Minho's departure. There's something else going on as well.
Chan takes him apart after dinner, and quietly locks the door to their room. He sits Felix down on their bed, and sits down besides him, quietly taking his hand.
"What's going on, love?" Felix asks as Chan keeps quiet, seemingly at war with his own thoughts and emotions.
"I- I don't think I can keep doing this. Everyone's hurting. I feel like- like I'm responsible for it."
"You're not responsible, baby. You're not responsible for our feelings or physicality."
"But- it's only been 8 years. Stray Kids has only been around for 8 years! Groups should exist for much longer than that, we're all so young and I- I can't be the one who ends this. I don't want to be that person."
Chan is crying, Felix sees, but so is he. So is he because Chan is voicing his excact thoughts and concerns about their group. They're still a relatively young group, and haven't even finished their contract. Yet Felix knows they can't keep doing this.
"No one wants to be that person, love. But look at them. Jisung barely leaves his room. He's lost a scarily amount of weight, I'm worried he won't even be able to step onto the stage if we have a comeback again. The others are hurting too. Yes, we're young, but if we're at our limit, we have to end this. Or take a break, at least."
Chan nods, and Felix mirrors it because he knows he's right. The thought of disbanding is terrifying, yet the thought of continuing like this for years to come is even more haunting.
"Okay, okay. I'll, um, I'll talk to the company about it." Chan says, and Felix sighs. He tucks his head into the elder's neck, like he did a few months ago, while watching the fireworks.
Felix is 26 when his knees give out during dance practice. The crash to the ground doesn't hurt, his body feels like it's numb. The members are on him in a second, even Jisung, who was silently watching from the couch. Chan is cradling his head in his hands, and he's saying something, but the sound doesn't reach Felix ears.
In that moment, he knows.
It's over.
He can't keep doing this.
Felix is 26 when he grasps Chan's hand as they take their final bow. The metal of the elder's wedding ring feels cold in his hand, but nothing compares to the coldness that runs through his veins as he sees tears, screams of disbelief, and pain when he scans through the fans in the public. He knows, knows it's the only right choice. Knows that this break, hiatus, as they're calling it, is the only right choice.
But it hurts.
It's March 25th, 2027, when all eight of them write their signature on the paper that will end their contract with JYP. There's a steady flow of tears all around the room while they scribble their names down, but Felix knows they're doing the right thing. His left hand is grasped tightly by Chan. His husband. Husband.
Felix chuckles wetly as he thinks about the life they have ahead of them. A life they can spend together, without any outside pressure from the company of the fans. A life in which they will still be a group, the eight of them, just not like they have been for the past nine years.
It's Felix' 27th birthday when he finds himself at Tamarama beach, Chan right besides him, Berry and Misty playing at their feet. None of the members are there to join them, as they all decided to go to the military at the same time right after they'd disbanded. The only member not in the military is Minho, but he's at home recovering from a back injury he'd gotten during the final days of his service.
"This is nice." he says, not really meant for anyone's ears, but Chan picks it up anyways.
"It is. Remember what happened there, three years ago excactly?" Chan asks as he points to a little spot close to the rocks. Felix chuckles, because of course he does. The feeling of his two rings on his finger reminds him of it every day.
"Yeah, I cried the ugliest tears I ever did that day. You with your whole 'I'm not a romantic person' and yet you proposed to me right there?"
Chan laughs, and the sound of it does something to Felix' heart. There had been quite a few months where he hadn't been able to hear that sound, and he'd missed it immensely.
Felix is 27 when he stands in the middle of the living room, hands behind his back to hide Chan's present from him. Chan has done nothing but complain loudly ever since he woke up about 'how old he's getting' and that turning 30 basically means you're elderly already. As soon as he gets the other man to shut up for a second, he hands him his present. Chan unpacks it to be met with a jewel case, a messy '2016' scribbled on top of it.
"This is-"
"It's a collection of songs, made by me and the members. 2016 is when we met and I- I wanted to tell you all of my emotions and you always did that through songs so, yeah. I guess I made you an album."
Chan cries.
Felix is 27 when he finds himself back in Seoul for Minho's 29th birthday. The other members have taken a leave from their military service to be able to spend this special day all together. Minho cries for half an hour straight after all members jump up from behind the couch as soon as he enters his apartment. It feels like the old times. Like they haven't been apart for more than a day. The only new thing is Jisung, Jisung and Minho to be more excact, and the fleeting kisses they share every now and then.
Felix is 27 when he welcomes 2028. It's the 12th year he and Chan are spending together, the 8th year they'll be spending as a couple, and the 3rd full year they'll spend as a married couple. He sighs softly against Chan's cheek as they look out of the window. Their window. Misty's barks are no longer accompanied by Berry, and while it feels a little empty, the three of them make it work. They're a happy little family.
Felix is 27 and a half when he first starts noticing signs of something in his husband. There's something missing, it seems, something that's keeping Chan from being completely satisfied with his life. Felix guessed it's absence of the members, but even an impromptu visit to Seoul doesn't help with filling the little emptiness Chan has in his heart.
Felix is 28 when he figures out what it is. He curses himself for not noticing earlier, even though all the clues were right there in front of him. All the glances at the playground they live close by, the happiness in his eyes when Felix' nieces come over, the cries of joy when Seungmin announced he'd become a dad, it all adds up.
Felix is 28 when he confronts Chan with it. Sits him down, talks him gently through what he'd observed in the past months, tells him he believes Chan wants a kid, wants a family. Chan's tears are enough to tell him that he'd come to the right conclusion.
"It's okay, love. I- I think I'm ready, too." Felix tells him.
Chan cries even more.
Felix is 28 when Chan takes up a new job. They've been doing some research on adoption, and found that it can be quite expensive. Years of Stray Kids and saving up has left them with more than enough money, but they want to make sure they can offer their child the best life possible. Chan promises it's just for a while, just a few months so they can save up a little more money.
Felix is 28 and a half when he starts feeling lonely. Chan's job has something to do with music production, and like the early days, he's gotten completely absorbed with it. He's away more often than not, and the days he's at home are spent quietly cuddling due to his exhaustion. Felix has Misty, of course, and Luna, but it doesn't feel the same. They'd gotten Luna as a friend for Misty, and the two are inseparable.
Felix is 28 and 7 months when he decides that it's enough. As soon as Chan comes home that evening, Felix pins him to the front door.
"You're going to quit your job. Somewhere between now and the next 10 minutes. This is bullshit, Chan, we have more than enough money, we don't need any more, and I can't- I can't- I miss you."
Felix loses all his strength by the end of his small tantrum and crumbles to the floor, taking Chan with him. The elder just holds him in his arms, shushing him and pressing kisses into his hair.
When Felix wakes up the next morning, it's to sunrays on his face, the scent of eggs and freshly brewed coffee, and the sight of his husband next to him.
He smiles.
Felix is almost 29 when he finds himself in front of an apartment, nerves rushing through him like fire through his veins as Chan rings the doorbell. The only thing keeping him grounded is Chan's slightly larger hand in his, wedding ring pressed in between his pinky and ring finger.
When the door opens, it's to a friendly looking woman with a baby on her arm.
"Look, Alice, these are your dads!"
On Felix's 29th birthday, they bring Alice home for the first time. It had taken her a bit of time to get used to the two males, but she's clinging to Chan now like he's the only person in her world. Well, except for Felix, of course, who she's making grabby hands to. They sit her down on the windowsill overlooking the Harbour Bridge, and she lets out little noises of joy.
"Welcome home, love."
Two days after Felix' 29th birthday, there's rapid knocking at their front door. Chan is passed out on their couch, Alice sleeping soundly on his chest, so Felix gets up to open the door. Six, no, eight pairs of eyes stare back at him. Six pairs of familiar eyes, and two pairs of eyes he's never seen before. One pair belonging to the little girl on Seungmin's arm, and one belonging to the boy that's holding both Jisung's and Minho's hands.
Felix right about collapses in the doorway.
The reunion is sweet, joyful, and a little emotional too. They'd known about the birth of Seungmin's daughter, but Minho and Jisung finally taking the next step and adopting as well had been a complete surprise to them. Alice seems to click with the other babies, as much as babies can have an actual bond with each other. The members stay over at their apartment for two nights, and even though Felix cries at their goodbyes, his heart is once again filled with love.
Felix is 29, celebrating his husband's 32nd birthday, when he feels fully satisfied for the first time in his life. He's got Alice in his lap, all three of them covered in confetti, and Chan at his side. Felix wouldn't change the moment for the world.
It's absolutely perfect.
Felix is 29 when he sees firsthand that there's no such thing as perfection in relationships. Seungmin shows up at their door, suitcase in one hand and his daughter holding his other hand. The fresh tear tracks and a broken 'she left me' tell Felix everything he needs to know.
Seungmin stays with them for almost a month, and while Felix would like nothing more than keep the other there for eternity, just to make sure he's happy, he knows he has to get a life of his own again. Seungmin knows it too, as he thanks them profoundly for letting him stay over, and apologizes for the inconvenience. Chan and Felix send him off at the airport with a heavy heart.
Felix is 29 and a half when he comes home from grocery shopping one day to find Chan sitting on the floor, eyes wide and mouth open in surprise.
"Hey, love, what's-"
Felix never gets the chance to finish as Alice suddenly emerges from behind the couch, legs wobbly but taking her first steps nonetheless. Felix slumps down onto his knees at the sight, arms automatically opening for Alice to stumble into. He hugs her close, and cries because he's proud of his daughter. Their daughter.
A pair of strong arms encircles the both of them, and if that makes Felix cry even more, well, no one has to know.
On June 10th of 2030 Felix finds himself on Jeju island, seated side by side with Chan as they watch their youngest member tie the knot. The ceremony is beautiful, and while Felix has only met Jeongin's fiancee a handful of times, he can see how he makes their youngest happy.
The reception is nothing but happiness and good vibes, giving the 8 a chance to properly catch up with each other. The number might have been expanded a little, with all the new additions, but they're still the same group they were years ago.
Changbin has devoted his life to music, still working in the industry, but at a much more leisurely pace than he did before. There's no one special in his life, but going by his own words, he 'has no need for such things'.
Seungmin looks happier than ever with Minji in his lap. The two of them are a great duo, and Felix feels himself tear up a little at the thought of Seungmin being such an amazing single dad.
Hyunjin has been in a relationship for about three years now, and while he's in no rush to get married of have kids, there's genuine love in his eyes as he talks about his lover.
The evening is beautiful, and the fireworks that end off the night stay engraved in Felix's mind for hours and hours after the wedding ends.
Felix is almost 30 when Jisung suggests a reunion concert for the first time. The mere thought makes Chan and Felix crack up. While it's only been a little over 3 years since their disbandment, the members have aged considerably, most of them married or having kids, and they definitely don't look as good as they did years ago. Their dancing has probably become rusty, with Minho being unable to do any choreo at all with the back injury that took him out years ago.
The concert wouldn't be fun for anyone but themselves. And yet, they all agree.
Felix is almost 30 when he finds himself backstage for the first time in years, looking at some of their old stage outfits. There's even a few outfits from award shows, but Felix isn't sure if any of them are going to fit.
It's Stay's anniversary, and they all decided that would be the perfect day for a reunion concert.
"Hey, you ready?"
Felix smiles, nods, and follows Chan to the lift that will bring them on stage.
The concert is amazing. It feels like yesterday they did their last concert, beats of the music being enough for the members to remember their dances, remember their little ad-libs, remember the quirky things they used to do during concerts. There's a lot less choreo than there used to be, with their main dancer being unable to dance, but the fans still enjoy it.
The members are happy, Felix sees it in everyone. When they bring out their kids for their encore stage, headphones on to protect them from screams, Felix can feel himself tear up. With Alice in his lap, Chan by his side and Stays in front of him, life is absolutely perfect.
Felix has just turned 30 when Chan proposes the idea of releasing a new album. The concert has made them all think twice about giving up Stray Kids forever, and while they can't do any more comebacks or tours, they do want to give their fans a little bit more than just 3 hours of fun.
Chan sets up a little studio at home, and they have daily calls with the other members, who are doing their part of the song production back in Korea.
On December 1st of 2030 they release their album called 'Eight'. There's no teasers, or concept pictures, or comeback stages. Just a link posted on Chan's Twitter account, with a picture of all 8 of them as their album cover.
Felix is 30 and 4 months when the perfection that's been his life lately comes to an end.
The day started perfectly. Felix woke up to Chan pressing kisses into his hair, onto his cheek, onto his nose, onto his forehead and onto the corner of his lips. Alice had been asleep, the apartment blissfully silent spare for the quiet breathing and kisses.
"I want to kiss every inch of you, my love. Want to remind you how much you mean to me." Chan had said, pressing an extra long kiss to Felix' right ring finger and his wedding ring. Moments of intimacy were rare with a baby, so they savoured the ones they had. They'd gotten Alice out of bed after an hour or so and had cuddled up on the couch, just looking at the outside world.
It's now 10pm, and Felix is terrified. Chan had promised to come home by 6, after visiting a friend in the suburbs, but the house is deadly quiet. No signs of Chan. Just him and Alice, poking at their dinner that has long gone cold. It's way past the little one's bedtime, but she's restless without her dad.
"Apapa?"
"Daddy's gonna be home soon, love."
It's all Felix can to in a fruitless attempt to reassure himself. There could be traffic, Chan's phone might've run out of battery, he may have lost track of time. And yet Felix feels his blood run cold.
At 10.37 pm, Felix gets the call.
Felix is 30 and 4 months old when he finds himself in the hospital, alone, looking through the glass doors at the pristine white room that holds his loved one.
There had been a drunken driver, apparently. T-zoned Chan's car, flipped him over a couple of times, and landed him on the side of the road.
Felix is crying, trembling. He wants to run away. Wants someone next to him that will tell him it's going to be fine. Wants to cuddle up to Alice, but he'd decided it would be best for her to stay with her grandparents.
The doctor's words fall on deaf ears. 'Not a big chance of survival.' he says. Felix doesn't want to hear it.
Felix is 30 and 5 months when he finds himself in the hospital again. Like every other day. He's got his own chair placed besides Chan's bed. There hasn't been progress, and yet there hasn't been a decline either. Felix stays optimistic, but it's hard, especially when your 1 year old daughter is old enough to miss her father but too young to understand why he's not at home.
The other members have been visiting too. Booked hotel rooms close by so they can keep an eye on their eldest while Felix gets some needed sleep.
It's that day, that exact day when Felix breaks down. He's been trying to keep calm, for Chan, no matter if he's able to hear him or not. But today, today he breaks.
"You have to wake up, baby. You have to wake up for me, and Al, and- and the members, and for Misty and Luna because they miss you, and your parents because- because they've been coming over so much and your mother can't handle seeing you like this and- and for me because I miss you, miss your smile, miss your laugh when Alice walks over to you instead of crawling and miss your kisses when we wake up, miss your stories that aren't even true most of the times but your insomniac brain makes them up and I love them and I- I love you, Chan. I love you so much. Alice loves you too, baby. You need to wake up for me- us, for us. The world without you in it would be, would be nothing. I don't want to watch the fireworks this year if it's not with you. I don't want to wake up in the morning if it's not to you and your smile and your kisses. Please just- wake up, for me, okay?"
Felix spends hours next to Chan's bed that day, counting his freckles. They've always been faint to begin with, and the harsh lighting and hospital air hasn't done anything but fade them even more. Felix kisses every single freckle he can find and once visiting hours are over, he leaves one last kiss on a tiny freckle on the elder's nose.
Felix is 30 and 5 months when he wakes up to a text from Changbin, who'd taken the 'night shift' as they'd started calling it.
'Hospital. Now.' it reads.
Felix prepares for the worst.
He prepares for the worst, but is in no way prepared to step into the room and find a pair of light brown eyes stare at him. They're glossed over, a little dazy, yet open nonetheless.
He passes out.
Felix is 30 and a half when he brings Chan home again, after being alone in the apartment for 2 months. It's definitely not as it was before, Chan needs Felix to hold him up onto his legs, and his steps are wobbly, unsure. Alice is holding onto the elder's hand like her life depends on it, and is babbling away without saying any actual words. Felix helps Chan onto the couch, and carefully cuddles next to him. Alice joins them too, and while life is definitely not as perfect as it was before, with Chan still in obvious pain, it's as perfect as it could be.
The recovery takes long. Even when the scars have healed and the pain has left, there's still scars that can't be easily healed. Chan wakes up screaming more often than not, and it weighs down on him so much Felix can almost see him crumble under the weight.
Felix is 30 and 8 months when he comes home to an empty apartment. Alice is with her grandparents, so he hadn't been expecting her in the first place, but Chan's absence is weird. He finds a little note on the counter, with a messy 'Sorry' written on top of it.
Felix finds Chan knee-deep into the blue sea at Tamarama beach. He's crying when he reaches him, staring out at the ocean while the breeze ruffles the curls that Felix had come to love.
"Why'd you left?"
"I'm ruining us."
Felix drags his husband out of the sea after those words leave his lips. Sits him down, stares him down, asks him for an explanation on how he managed to plant such a stupid idea in his head. Chan goes on and on about how his accident, and the trauma it caused him, is weighing down on their family. It takes all of Felix' strength to not slap him back into reality right there and then. Chan's hurting, he knows he is. Chan's hurting and he can't do anything about it other than be there with him, and be there for him.
On Felix's 31st birthday, he's woken up with sweet kisses, belonging to both his beloved and his daughter. They spend the day inside the apartment, Felix getting spoiled with presents from both of the most important people in his life. Chan doesn't smile all day, and that's okay. He needs time to heal. And Felix is giving him that time.
Felix is 31 when Chan greets him with a long, sweet kiss as he comes home from grocery shopping. He immediately knows something is up, with the way his husband's face pulls into a big grin. When he asks what's going on, Chan shows him a picture of a baby boy.
"What's-" he starts, but isn't able to finish his sentence when Alice rips the picture out of his hands.
"Look, apapa, that's little brother!"
On Chan's 34th birthday, their family gets a new addition in the form of Noah. The first evening they spend as a family as four is one Felix will never forget. Just him, Chan, Alice and Noah, in their little bubble.
Felix is 31 when he walks towards the stairs at the Opera House. His left hand is holding Alice's, and his right is intertwined with Chan's. Noah is making noises of surprise from where he's perched on Chan's hip, taking in everything around him.
As soon as they get to the top of the stairs, the kids are off to the other members and Minji and Dohun, Minho and Jisung's son. Felix turns around and while he knows what's waiting for him, the sight doesn't fail to blow him away. Chan's strong arm around his waist keeps him grounded, keeps him from drifting away in surprise.
The Harbour Bridge is right in front of them, illuminated, with a countdown projected onto it.
"You ready for 2032, love?"
"I'm ready for anything as long as it's with you."
The countdown feels like it lasts for hours. Felix has his head on Chan's shoulder, hand against his chest. His head is turned back so he's able to see the bridge, see the lights.
5
Felix inhales deeply.
4
Turns his head back around to face Chan.
3
Smiles as his eyes find his lover's.
2
Feels a tear run down his cheek.
They're here.
They made it.
1
Felix chuckles. Chan pulls him close.
"Happy new year, sunshine."
The fireworks behind him reflect beautiful in Chan's eyes.
"I love you."
Felix inches even closer
"I love you too."
Their lips meet.